Saturday, May 21, 2005

Inferno 2 Episode 11: Have a Cow

Previously on Inferno II: Derrick and Landon got a little too physical during a wrestling match. Landon blew the What a Drag mission for the Good Guys, and the Bad Asses increased their bank to $60,000. Mike got out of the Inferno by winning the Aztec Lifeshield, and Brad’s name was picked out of a hat to replace him. And since karma seems to be asleep at the switch this season, Abram defeated Brad in the Inferno. Mike hoped that his team could bounce back.

We’re back at Jarro, with the usual drinking and dancing. Landon looks like he’s drunk already. Hopefully, everybody around him had the sense to hide any and all knives from him. After a blurry/drunken POV shot out of the bar, Landon and Derrick start scrapping. Landon interviews that he gets competitive day and night. “With Derrick,” he adds, “I’m trying to rev his engine a little bit and piss him off.” Good plan. Landon slurs, “Your sister was enjoyable!” Rachel interviews that the guys bring competition with them wherever they go. The pair grapple in the street. “I’m very confident,” Derrick interviews, “in fighting someone that’s bigger and stronger than me. I have no problem with that.” Derrick manages to push Landon into a car. Darrell: “Landon and Derrick, in the street, wrestling, grabbin’ booties again. I don’t get these two cats. They need to stop playing.” Derrick feels his bloodied ear, doubting that he needs stitches. “Landon, I’ll admit it,” he says in an interview, “you can beat me in a wrestling match, but you’re gonna regret it.” Landon appears to taunt Derrick, and Derrick responds with a middle finger.

Back at the Villa, Dan watches an impaired Landon stumble up the stairs. Dan tries to guide him up. He gets distracted for a second, and Landon almost falls down the stairs. Happily, Landon manages to locate his bed. Mike interviews that the guys decide to mess with Landon, since he’s “blackout drunk.” Darrell starts by hitting Landon with a pillow. Mike ups the ante, whipping out a marker and writing “ENTER PENIS HERE” above his waistline. Real clever, Miz. Darrell draws what appears to be a heart, along with “KARAMO BEEN DERE DONE DAT.” If I’m saluting Karamo, I’d draw a dotted line around Landon’s neck. But that’s just me. Soon, Landon’s back is filled with third-grade humor. Tonya writes her piece, then kisses his neck. Derrick arrives with his ear bandaged. He interviews that he got stitches for his troubles, but the night isn’t over yet.

Derrick goes up the stairs, seeing Landon and the “novel written on his back.” As the editors pipe in classical music in the background, Derrick shaves off a clump of Landon’s hair. “If I’m gonna have the little Dumbo ear for a little while,” he interviews, “I think he should have something back.” CT and Derrick have a good laugh while Landon sleeps. “Now he knows what happens when you fuck with the Bad Asses.”

Morning! Landon is in the bathroom getting freshened up, telling us about the stuff on his back and his missing hair. He deduces that it was Derrick did it for payback on his ear. Derrick gets a good laugh from this. Landon examines Derrick’s stitched-up ear, finding that he doesn’t remember everything from last night.

Time for a radical scene shift. Remember Tonya? Blonde, little self-respect, passing resemblance to Tonya Harding...ring any bells? She interviews that the unholy trinity of Veronica, Rachel, and Tina are still on her case no matter what she does. She stands outside a room, listening in to their latest gripe session. Rachel blathers about Tonya getting sensitive. Veronica thinks Tonya is ready to crack. Rachel: “She’s going into her crazy mode. But we need to nip this in the bid right now.” Tonya interviews that they think she’s the weakest link. Is “weakest” the same as “most fragile”? I still think Rachel is a liability in missions. “I know what I got in me versus what they think I have,” Tonya goes on, “and I’m still capable of doing this Challenge regardless of what they try to pull.” In another room, Julie tells Tonya that she hopes they lay off her. She interviews about feeling bad for Tonya becoming a sacrificial lamb.

Elsewhere, Mike and Darrell urge Landon to get a skullet. Or they tell him to “skull it.” He interviews that he doesn’t want people to think he’s going bald at 25. No, I’d think he hangs around with dummies who mess with him while he sleeps off benders. I can’t adequately describe the new hairstyle Darrell and CT give Landon, which leaves him with two tufts of hair on the front of his head. I can say that I’m pining for the return of Abram’s Mohawk, and that ain’t right. Derrick laughs that his mother will be happy he’s not getting that. Dan: “It’s like a landing strip for Dumbass Airlines.” Yeah...and you would be the flight attendant. Landon likes it, and he thinks it’s intimidating.

Sponsor clue! Derrick reads it off: be ready for the next mission by 11 a.m., wear team colors, swimsuits and sneakers. Mike: “The thing that amazes me is that he can actually read.” Where did that come from? Dan with a shocked look.

Mission site. The players arrive in slow-motion, noticing a rowboat, a life-sized cow figure, and a wolf pinata. Dave welcomes everybody to today’s mission: Riddle Me This. Everybody bow your head in memory of Frank Gorshin. The objective: solve a riddle. Abram interviews that he has no clue what they’re about to do.

After commercials, Dave lays out the rules: each team has a rowboat, a stack of hay, a cow, and a wolf. The players must read the riddle first. They can only use their hands and arms to power the rowboat on the water. The team that solves the riddle and transfers all three items to the island wins $10,000. Mike shouts about knowing the answer, and his teammates have to shut him up.

The Good Guys gather to go over the plan. Turns out Julie sees the riddle coming from a mile away: the wolf cannot be left alone with the cow, and the cow can’t be in the same place as the grass. Meanwhile, the Bad Asses disagree over methods. CT interviews that the team does well in missions. “However,” he goes on, “there’s a lack of communication on our team.” Dan adds that everybody talks over each other like they’re all wrong. “Well, we’re the problem,” he finishes, “except for me.” Dan bitches to the others about being quiet. CT: “They’re always yapping, always complaining, always pointing the finger.”

Dave blows his airhorn to start the mission. Both teams uncover the riddle. Jamie confirms that Julie was right in her assumption, and that she’ll read it over while Jamie and Shavonda grab the cow. She adds that it will come down to how well they work as a team. In other news, today’s forecast calls for a 100 percent chance of falling anvils. Both sides get their cows in the boat and start paddling. The Bad Asses reach the island first, putting their cow down and piling back into the boat. CT interviews that everybody is stepping on each other and into the boat, and the boat is taking in water. The Good Guys take the lead, grabbing their haystack. Shavonda tells us that her team has more logic than the Bad Asses. Speaking of which, their boat is a mess. Veronica screams, asking her team if they know how to row a boat, even as she paddles with one arm. Abram: “I am in a boat full of screaming idiots, and it’s horrible.” Veronica screams some more, and Derrick switches sides on the boat. Abram: “Everybody is scooping handfuls and splashes of water into the boat. Stop splashing water into the boat!”

Both teams drop the hay off on the island. Julie reminds us that the cow cannot be left alone with the hay, so it has to go back to the mainland. The Bad Asses lag behind picking up their bovine. Meanwhile, the Good Guys swap out their cow for the wolf. They launch as the Bad Asses come in with their cow. Shavonda interviews that the main problem with her opponents is that they yell at each other and get personal. Both teams rush towards the shore for the final leg. “I swear to God,” Tina interviews, “our boat is rockin’ back and forth. You would think a hurricane just hit us!”

The teams come for their cows, with the Good Guys in the lead. Veronica interviews that her teammates are reacting instead of thinking. The Bad Ass boat gets tilted, as Rachel tells us that the game is far from over. As the Good Guys unload their cow, Rachel interviews that the Bad Asses have decided to block their path. Landon: “I’m about ready to throw CT or Derrick off the raft because of how pissed off I am.” Doesn’t he need a drink first?

Following the commercials, Shavonda reminds us that her team can’t get on their boat. Dave yells from the shore, seeming to wave off the Bad Asses. They unload their cow, while Tina screams about the water in the boat. The Good Guys eventually pile onto their raft and start paddling. Dan interviews that every time his team gets into the boat, it takes in water. “One minute, the boat [is] floating.” he continues. “The next minute? Not so much.” The boat ends up submerging, and the Bad Asses are forced out of it. The camera then pans to Julie whooping it ip on her boat, flashing devil horns. While I’m a fan of Bad Asses getting humiliated, I don’t particularly like the price we have to pay for it this time. “They look like little flounders in the water,” Julie brags, “flapping and gasping for air.” Tina and Tonya yell at their teammates. Nice to see those two on the same side. Tina interviews that karma is a bitch, since they tried to be bad and suffered for it.

Dave blows his airhorn, giving the Good Guys their victory. The Bad Asses paddle their submerged boat back to shore. Mike notes that his group worked well as a team, while Landon thinks it’s embarassing that the Bad Asses tried to cheat and lost. “The team is fucked up!” Tina exclaims in her interview. “Everybody is egotistical, everybody wants to be a leader, and everybody wants to be the hero.” Abram adds that there cannot be one leader on the team, because the personalities don’t mesh. Veronica and Tina snipe, and Abram tries his best to rally the team together. The team keeps squawking, as Abram says, “One, two, three, team.” As opposed to Mike and his cheers, this had nothing. Veronica speaks for us all when she says, “Well, that was real.” Rachel interviews that the mission failure was a long time coming for her team. “We have been arguing and managing to win for a while now,” she tells us, “and this was a slap in our face.”

Denouement. Dave reviews that the riddle wasn’t the hard part, but teamwork was. He awards $10,000 to the Good Guys, increasing their bank to $50,000, ten grand less than the Bad Ass bank. Landon feels good to have won, especially after the Bad Asses cheated. Dave orders the teams back to the villa to nominate two women into the Inferno. Rachel notes that Tonya and Julie have been talking a lot, and that Julie was the “mastermind” behind the vote switching. Wait...so the Bad Asses knew it was Julie’s idea, and they dumped on Jodi anyway? Man, that sucks. What’s wrong with breaking Julie down until she bawls?

Good Guys Deliberation Meeting. Landon asks if Tonya is easier to beat than Veronica. Julie thinks Veronica is weaker. “I want to go into the Inferno with Veronica,” she interviews, showing all her front teeth. “Bring it on. Let’s do it. Right now.” Jamie and Shavonda (wearing one of Rachel and Veronica’s “Future MILF” t-shirt) say that if they go into the Inferno, they’d want to go up against Tonya. Jamie tells us that she wants somebody she would be “super confident” to face in the Inferno. Landon votes for Veronica, figuring that any of the girls can beat her. I’m still miffed nobody’s gunning for Rachel. Julie tells us that since the Good Guys won today’s mission, they pick their nominee second, and she might be tempted to switch her choice. She never learns, does she?

Bad Asses Deliberation Meeting. Veronica feels that if the team acts like it did today, they would lose the final mission. CT cites a lack of communication. Tonya throws in her two cents, saying that the other girls haven’t included her in their conversation, and they want her to go home. While she says this, Veronica gnaws on an apple, CT lies back, and Dan rolls his eyes. I guess being Tonya’s friend didn’t do Dan any good. Tina asks where Tonya’s conspiracy talk is coming from. Tonya interviews that Veronica is gunning for Julie despite being intimidated by her, and that it’s shady. “Julie’s the toughest competitor in my opinion,” Tonya goes on, “I really feel like in the final mission, if we don’t have her there, we have more of a chance to win.” Dan thinks Julie is tougher than people think. Veronica: “Julie is not to be trusted, and she’s not a person to be believed.” Pot, meet kettle. Everybody on the team votes for Julie. “It has nothing to do with consensus or that the girls are comfortable with it,” Abram smirks. “I just don’t like the bitch!” Was this before or after she straddled you in the pool, Abram?

CT brings up the switch issue again, then Julie might flip her vote for Veronica. Abram adds that Julie is out for Veronica’s blood. Veronica admits to being nervous about the prospect. We flash back to Julie coming up with the plan, and Jodi implementing it. Rachel is also nervous, and she goes to the Good Guys’ meeting to make sure the flip doesn’t take place. CT notes that flipping isn’t against the rules. Rachel snaps that it’s not him getting picked every time. Looks like we’ve found the dominant partner in the Rachel/Veronica relationship.

Sure enough, Rachel ambles over to the Good Guys’ side, asking if they’re still changing votes. The team denies this, but Julie smirks at Rachel, interviewing that she’s tempted to switch. Rachel blathers that she doesn’t want shadiness or personal vendettas. I’m sorry...what show is she on? Landon assures Rachel that there will be no tomfoolery this time. Rachel walks away happy, while Julie flashes a big grin. Rachel fills Veronica in on the meeting, adding that Julie walked away. “All I know,” Rachel adds, “is that she’s really fired up, and she will rip your eyes out.” I think a blind Veronica would still show up for her Challenges. She interviews that everything is crumbling around her. If only, girl.

A flame segue brings us to the announcements. Dave goes to the Bad Asses for their pick. CT announces Julie’s name, and she shows off the teeth as she gets up. Dave asks the Good Guys for their choice. Veronica instinctively gets up before Shavonda announces that it’s Tonya. Julie: “When Veronica stands up and starts walking towards me, I just want to say, ‘Sit down, sweethaht, it’ll be next week’.” Ew...Julie tried to do a Boston accent! As Julie and Tonya place their figurines in the Mininferno, Dave reminds them that they can bail themselves out by outperforming their respective teammates to win the Aztec Lifeshield. Somebody shouts out “eating mission,” which is kind of funny. “This is a great match-up,” Tina enthuses in her interview, as we see Tonya and Julie walk away together. “The devil versus Jesus. And I can’t wait to see some blonde hair being ripped out!”

Next time: Dave welcomes everybody to the mission: Time To Ride. The mission involves navigating scooters over a course above water. As for the Inferno? We got Julie and a girl who may or may not be Tonya, both attached to cords, as they seem to be grabbing stickers off each other’s bodies. Dan: “You can just see fingernails and hair. It’s vicious!”

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