Closet Optimist

Reality Rant: When Katie Attacks

2009-10-28T01:36:00.000-04:00

Normally, I'd bitch about the latest episode of The Ruins, which featured Tonya getting ejected from the game after she smacked Veronica, something viewers like myself had waited a long time for. However, somebody did a great job talking about the episode, and giving much-needed grief to the jerks who've helped wreck the franchise. Katie Doyle, one-time member of Road Rules: The Quest, veteran of several Challenges, and creature that runs on alcohol and cigarettes threw in her two cents on her MySpace blog. Despite some grammar errors, she managed to articulate her rage surprisingly well. Because I have a life and am also a bit lazy, I will comment on Katie's blasts regarding her final episode, where she lost to Sarah in the Ruins, something few people will remember about the show.

Evan and Kenny thought it would be hysterical to pour baby powder in my suit case. All over my clothes. Then I discover the plunger in my bed. That is just disgusting. I do not like to be the target of anybody's joke. I think I have made that pretty clear over the years. Regardless, Kenny and Evan do not care. They just want to be amusing, silly and have fun. But, they seem to only want to do it at someone else's expense. Not mine, fuckers.

I immediately like that Katie has the same contempt for those two assholes that I do, and I don't even have to live with them. And she's just getting warmed up.

As far as the Sarah story line is concerned...she isn't that bad. She did try a little too hard to fit in with the "Champion" team which was bizarre because she should have been trying with her own team. But everyday, morning or night- she never left our room. I was not the only one who thought that was weird. People called her "superfan". Her obvious crushes on Evan and Kenny were more than apparent. And yes, the guys did say bad things about her when she would actually leave the room.

And with that, I lose respect for Sarah. Crushing on the likes of Evan and Kenny? That's just sick. From what I hear, Sarah will be on the next season -- Fresh Meat 2 -- but I think everybody will be distracted disrespecting the attitude of her ex-roommate, the mouthy transsexual known as Katelynn.

The next day, I felt bad. I knew that my anger [towards Sarah] was misdirected. I should have flipped out on Kenny and Evan. Funny how neither one of them even remotely defended her as I screamed. They let her take the heat and even laughed about it. They don't care. That is the type of guys they are. They are on the wrong show. They should be on Tool Academy.

Here, Katie is dead wrong. Those two would never make it to Tool Academy. From what I've gathered, girlfriends "enroll" their less-than-respectful guys in the Academy. Can you see either of those two with a steady girlfriend, as opposed to an on-air hookup? Of course not. In fact, the end of the latest episode had Kenny lying on his bed, with Evan over him like he's about to plant his lips behind Kenny's ear. They're probably not gay for each other like I rant on the TWoP forums, but footage like that makes me wonder.

Seriously, I have heard the same jokes with Evan for the past 5 years. He used them on Freshmeat. He switches it up a bit to cater to his new audience. I am so completely confused how these 2 assholes have managed to be popular from this show. They were NEVER even on Real World or Road Rules! And because it IS the title of the show, um...I am still confused where they fit in. As far as I am concerned, they guest star on the show.

And that's why Fresh Meat has ruined the show. With Road Rules defunct, Bunim-Murray Productions needed to inject new life into the franchise beyond the seven meatheads on any given season of The Real World. Of the ten new cast members from Fresh Meat, five of them (Aviv, Chanda, Jesse, Johnnie, and Linette) have never been seen again. I figure that Ryan and Eric are rather inoffensive. What are we left with? An overachieving lesbian who sold out her principles for big money and quit on her team in order to save a friend (Evelyn); a cancer survivor whose dramatics have rubbed some the wrong way and who willingly dated CT (Diem); a twit who's afraid of half the missions, used her prize money to get implants and who talked shit about Coral (Casey); and Evan and Kenny. Even if I take away Diem, somebody who hasn't given me enough reason to dump on her, that's still enough reason to dread Fresh Meat 2.

Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I am also not in the editing room at BMP. Because with all the Wes drama, I don't think Evan needs to constantly be the mouthpiece for the team. Its ALWAYS what Evan says that makes air. Why not show Darrell's, Syrus or Derricks opinion? Must it always be from Evan and Kenny? For fucks sake, I lived the show and get bored watching the same 2 pricks put there fucking opinion in over and over. The house had 28 people! Use Ibis, Kim, Adam...anyone but them over and over and over. I get it, they are witty. But still...

Exactly. Of course, Darrell's interviews are no fun unless he's massacring the English language ("non-flexiblist," "infuerno," "I ain't come at you foul!"), but you get Katie's frustration -- as well as my own -- that these two tools get the lion's share of the commentary. Norma, well-adjusted folks just don't get the commentary time. That's why back during Road Rules: The Quest -- Katie's initial season -- we dubbed Steve as "HiSteve" because it was so rare that he got any sort of camera time. Meanwhile, most of it went to Adam (obnoxious ADD case) and Ellen (equally obnoxious twit who had a love/hate thing with Adam).

What's confusing to me is that Evan can be really friendly outside of these shows. We got along great on Duel 2. But then again, we were not on the same team. He used to bring me chocolate candy bars on Duel 2 but on The Ruins I get plungers.

It's possible to say that Evan is the worse of the two because he wasn't an asshole to start with. He was pretty cool during Fresh Meat, back when he was paired with Coral. But somewhere along the line, he let himself turn into a douche, culminating with him turning his back on her in Gauntlet 3. And that's why the conclusion of Duel 2 sucked ass; because Evan eked out a win over Brad for the big money, and Brad was a far nicer, far less dramatic guy than Evan. Even though I don't drink or act like a meathead, I'd probably hang with Brad before Evan. To me, Evan's the worst thing to come out of Canada since SARS. Or maybe just Celine Dion.

Evan does not care about Tonya. Don't be confused with his pathetic attempt at looking like a nice guy. He tortured that girl the entire show. I mean, fucked with her so bad- most of it didn't even make it on TV. Evan is hyper aware of the camera's. (Clearly) So he saw an opportunity to get his mug on TV a little more by consoling Tonya. That is all it was. I can promise you that. That's why I was so annoyed after he gave Sarah the flowers after I screamed at her. I wish Evan had the fucking balls to admit to peoples faces what he says behind their backs. But that's what he does. He always makes fun of someone to get some laughs. But every moron on the show laughs hysterically thinking how funny he is...until they walk out of the room and they become the joke. Naive idiots, I tell you.

The whole Tonya/Veronica feud and its ugly conclusion reminded me of the "Cripple Fight" episode of South Park, where differently-abled rivals Timmy and Jimmy wound up beating the shit out of each other in front of the whole town, reenacting the big fight scene from They Live. Only when both of them knock each other out does an adult step forward and tell them to break it up. I didn't buy Evan's consolation for a single moment, seeing it for what it was: a pathetic attempt to look good in front of the cameras. In fact, some viewers think they saw Evan hold back Wes before Wes could break up the brewing fight between Tonya and Veronica. If that's true, Evan is really a piece of shit. And if it's not? He's still a piece of shit, but for different reasons.

I know they don't like me. Even when Evan pulls me aside to explain he didn't do the plunger and we are "friends". Fuck you. Evan has fucked over many of his "friends" on these shows. Coral? Paula? I mean, do these girls really think he cares??? Come on! This guy will do whatever he can to benefit himself. Always.

No real comment, at least none I haven't posted already. I'd love some sort of comeuppance in an upcoming Challenge where the women gang up on Evan and toss his ass into the fire, but something tells me that's not going to happen. I'd settle for Evan, Kenny, Johnny, etc., getting booed on a reunion special like the losers that they are, but that also never happens. I guess it's my fault for expecting torches and pitchforks.

I also really like Wes. We are friends, they don't show that. But we are and I defended him on numerous occasions. No one agreed with me, but I still said what I thought.

How messed up a season is this where Wes is a voice of reason? I mean, he's still an asshole, and he probably would throw his teammates under a bus out of spite, but he did seem to care about Tonya.

Ok, so I have said what I have wanted to say. I recently saw Evan in Vegas and we actually got along quite well...but then I heard from a mutual friend, Murtz, that he insulted the shit out of me. So game on, motherfucker.

I don't know how truthful Katie was about The Ruins being her last Challenge, but there's a part of me that wants to see her eviscerate Evan with the same amount of gusto she did attacking Veronica in The Inferno. Hell, I'd settle for her sneaking up behind him in a "real life" setting and letting him have it.

Believe it or not, i like 90% of the people on these shows. I like Johnny, he was never an asshole to me.

And there's the glaring blind spot of Katie's blog entry. Like I've said before, Johnny is every bit the tool as Kenny and Evan, if not more so. I guess it's a combination of a lack of screwing her over and actually appearing on a season of The Real World.

Katie, you're probably not reading this, but if you are? Thank you. Thank you, you tiny volcano of simmering resentment, you. And even though you're no longer on the show, I'd love to hear more about the events in The Ruins from your perspective.

Reality Rant: Road To "Ruins"

2009-10-10T23:05:00.001-04:00

I watch television. A lot of it. Perhaps too much to be healthy. Some of it sucks and I'm all right with that. Sometimes, I watch a show that isn't good for me, yet I watch because I want to stick with it as long as I can. Smallville is a prime example; the premise of Clark Kent growing up without calling himself "Superboy" lost its appeal years ago. I can go on about it, but I want to talk about another show where all hope has been abandoned: Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Specifically, the current season: The Ruins.

I know that show is supposed to be trashy. It was trashy in the days of Challenge 2000 and Extreme Challenge. It was trashy while I was recapping it for six seasons. But now, it's gotten VH1 reality show trashy. True, there hasn't been a deuce dropped on stairs -- at least none that has made it on air -- and the biggest would-be candidate for Tool Academy is currently on The Amazing Race. But thanks to several bad apples, the Challenge has gotten to be downright unbearable . . . and we're only two episodes into the current season.

The usual suspects have stepped up to rise as this season's Axis of Ass: Evan, Johnny and Kenny. These three have been trying to run Challenges for years, and they're all punks. Worse, they're punks who won big money in the past two seasons (The Island for Johnny and Kenny, Duel 2 for Evan). Joining the Axis this season is Darrell. I've had mixed feeling about him; he started his Challenge career by trying to throw Sarah -- my favorite player -- under the bus in The Gauntlet. Yes, Sarah was a competitive underachiever back then, but I didn't need her ex-castmates from Road Rules: Campus Crawl Darrell and Rachel looking to boot her off right away. Over time, I mellowed on Darrell as he lost his attitude and steered clear of drama, winning a record four Challenges in as many tries.

So where did Darrell go wrong? In an obvious attempt to get Wes kicked off the show, he openly talked shit about his girlfriend Kelly Anne. He kept saying that Wes couldn't "turn the ho into a housewife" in order to get punched by Wes, thereby getting him booted. Not that Wes's action would be tragic to his Champions team (those who have won Challenges in the past); Bunim-Murray Productions probably has MJ on speed-dial, after he was brought into Gauntlet 3 and Duel 2 in similar circumstances. Also, I suffered a flashback of my own. Back in the days when I was attending talk shows for article fodder, I made the mistake of going to a taping of Sally Jesse. There were newlyweds whose marriages were already on the rocks, an there was this one guy decked out in a blue suit, insisting over and over, "You can't turn that freak into a housewife!" It was so bad, I bailed out of a subsequent taping right away. Anyway, Darrell made me remember that, and he sucks for it.

Getting back to Wes . . . at this point, he's the closest thing to a protagonist this season has. For those new to the show, he was one of the worse things about The Real World Austin, which was one of the ugliest seasons in the history of the show, Real World Awards results be damned. He's not a team player . . . in fact, he's never been on a team before, having played for himself (The Duel) and partnered with Casey (Fresh Meat). So he gets put on the Champions team, and he has this idea of pulling names out of a hat to determine who would be up for a potential sacrifice. Really quick: three men and three women from each side step up before the mission, and the winning team's sextet determine the male and female matchups for the endgame known as The Ruins, where the winner stays in the game while the loser goes home. Anyway, Wes is obsessed with the hat, and while the Axis were justified in shooting him down, they did it in the douchiest way possible. So Wes decided to out-douche the Axis by scheming to throw missions whenever possible.

Onto the second episode. A plan is hatched to put the screws to Wes. The scheme: get the Challengers to put up Kelly Anne, then bring in Evelyn from the Champions to take her out in The Ruins. Of course, Kelly Anne and Evelyn are best friends, and they're the only people in the game -- along with Wes -- who don't know the plan is coming. And when the Champions majority -- Derrick, Johnny, Susie and Katie -- take Evelyn's Ruins choice out of her hands, she exploded. Apparently, she learned nothing about how Johnny put the screws to her in The Island. She probably thought everything was cool after she won the final mission along with Johnny, Kenny and Derrick. It never occured to her that Johnny could still be a scumbag. And shame on Derrick for rolling over like the 5-foot-6 dog that he is. Way to set an example to your wife and kid, Wee D.

Anyway, Wes and Evelyn had their Hulk-outs, while the Axis were shocked -- SHOCKED! -- that Evelyn would have reservation about fighting her BFF instead of a weak Casey. Evelyn threatened to throw missions down the line, while Wes got up in Johnny's fugly grill. When the two strongest members of your team are openly rebelling, it's not a good thing.

Cut to The Ruins: Evelyn and Kelly Anne are pitted against each other, and Evelyn decides the best way to screw her team . . . was to throw the game. Instead of making the Champions' lives a living hell, she took the easy way out, and this came three seasons after she crapped on Coral for doing something similar. And that's why I can't like Evelyn, ever.

There's so much other bullshit to sift through, like Johanna threatening to sell Wes's house from under him, Tonya being a human trainwreck, and the next episode, where Veronica snuggles up to Evan, making one of the fugliest couples in reality show history. There doesn't seem to be any genuinely feel-good moments on the horizon; even if all three main Axis members are taken out, you still have a lot of idiots who don't deserve the money to be won. In fact, there are only three people worth rooting for without guilt: Cohutta (no drama, good sense of humor), Syrus (fun older guy) and Brad (guy who has gotten screwed in every Challenge he's been in to date). Worse, BMP is bringing back the "Fresh Meat" edition for next season, where reality headaches old (Wes, Evelyn, Kenny) and new (CJ from RW: Cancun, Katelynn from RW: Brooklyn) are paired up with newcomers . . . and if you think the company would bring in a few stable people like last time (Aviv, Linette, Ryan), you're sadly mistaken.

I wish I could quit this show with all these mental midgets. It would be nice to see South Park at 10 p.m. instead of waiting for the midnight repeat. But I'm stuck with this show, for better or for far, far worse. And unlike actual marriages, I don't think I'd get alimony if I break it off.

Reality Rants: Host With The Least

2009-10-03T01:15:00.001-04:00

A funny thing happened when I was contemplating recapping the latest season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Namely, I got a job. While it's a part-time position, it's important enough where I can't waste extra brain cells searching for quotes, picking out moments, and telling people to shut up like they can hear me. But I'm willing to compromise. So here's my plan: whenever I feel like it, I will engage in a "Reality Rant," going off on whatever's bugging me in the genre. And what better way to start than with the Emmys . . . specifically, the "Best Host" category.

The thing you have to understand about me is that I'm a devoted fan to The Amazing Race. I don't think it was an accident that it won Best Competitive Program seven years in a row. Sure, you'd think the Emmy voters might be lazy, and there have been off years for the show (Family Edition, anybody?), but I firmly believe that even at its lowest point, it still kicks ass. And a big part of that success lies with its host, Phil Keoghan.

In case you're new, I'll be brief. Phil comes from New Zealand, finishing runner-up for the Survivor hosting gig. He acts as the show's narrator, guiding the audience to the exotic locales the Racers run through. He greats the teams at the end of each episode, often eliminating the last pair to arrive. And perhaps most importantly, there isn't a time where he makes himself more important than the show.

Cut to Emmy night. Phil is nominated for Best Host after getting snubbed last year. It seems like a slam dunk; since TAR is the only winner of its category, why wouldn't Phil win his? Wrong. Instead, it goes to Jeff Probst. Again. Cut to me yelling "BULLSHIT!" at the television screen.

What was my problem? Jeff Probst was the right guy at the right time, hosting Survivor as it led the reality television boom of 2000. But that was then, and this is now: Probst has become more of a factor on the show than he should be these days. His running commentary affects challenges. At Tribal Council, he once shamed a tribe into picking a leader on the spot. And he loves alpha males in such an unhealthy way, it makes him disdain almost any other competitor. Sure, he dated one-time contestant Julie Berry (from Vanuatu), but you have to wonder about him at times. Clearly, this is not the guy who should be given an award for being a dick.

Order was restored a few minutes later, when TAR won its seventh straight Emmy. You can say that Phil sharing a stage with the production people is a metaphor for how the show is a team effort, but it still felt hollow. Clearly, there had to be a way to stop Emmy voters from making the same mistake next year. My solution: open up the category by renaming it Best Permanant Cast Member. This way, judges and other personalities can be elligible. I don't want Project Runway, but I've heard enough about Tim Gunn to know he could wipe with Probst. At this point, I don't care who does it, as long as it gets done.

Attention, Emmy voters! You guaranteed a scene in Season 20 of Survivor where Probst, clearly thinking he's in the right, will snuggle in the lap of JT and/or James. And guess what? It's your fault that it'll happen.

Battle of the Sexes (2003)

2009-09-19T00:50:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, I considered Rachel, Veronica and Eric Nies to be human beings, I thought Emily was the biggest bitch out there, and that Puck was the biggest douche alive. Guess which two I've reconsidered since my time recapping Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle Of The Sexes?

After my stint on Dog Days, I picked up where Television Without Pity left off, recapping Bunim-Murray Production's band of money-hungry misfits and their monkeyshines. In retrospect, I think I did a good job, even if I was easily irritated and in the proverbial bag for Melissa. You'll see lots of quotes, requests to shut up, and the feeling that I could be doing something else. And that's what I called "fun."

The Good, the Bad & the Notorious Host Jonny "Big Air" Moseley and contestant Ruthie preview the newest season of the Challenge.

Guide to the Fantasy Game Remember the fantasy game on MTV.com, where you picked players and got points for all the stuff they did? I give advise here. Oh, and I didn't pick Puck during the whole season, because I would have felt dirty.

Episodes 1 & 2: Jamaica Me Crazy The season starts strong, with a fierce battle between David from Los Angeles and Puck, Melissa ranking on her roommate-turned-enemy Julie, and one of the biggest upsets in Challenge history.

Episode 3: Riding (and Dying) in Cars with Boys Laterrian's gung ho attitude gets him nowhere with a pitiful score, while Beth gets booted over a pregnant Gladys. Also: Ruthie reveals herself as Superwoman for the first time.

Episode 4: Log Cabin Fever Puck celebrates his birthday by picking on Ellen. Meanwhile, the teams try their hand at log cabin building, and Jisela contemplates killing Jonny.

Episode 5: Will You Be My Baby Tonight? The sweet romance between one of the most egocentric characters in BMP history and crazy Ayanna fizzles as David is voted out of the game. Also: Puck's relatively sane fiance and baby son come to Jamaica, and he apparently threatens to kick Ellen's ass.

Episode 6: My Big Fat Puck Wedding If you ever hated Puck as much as I do, this is not the episode for you. I suffer through it so you don't have to. Also: Aneesa walks around topless.

Episode 7: Everybody Loathes Ellen Ellen works everybody's nerves, including mine. Puck wins a mission with Theo. Bonus: my somewhat flawed Survivor: The Amazon predictions.

Battle of the Sexes, Episode 8: Cold-Butted Snakes The drama peaks as Emily convinces Ellen and Ruthie to screw team protocol and vote off Rachel. Also: an ice-cold mission turns Melissa into a Melissicle.

Episode 9: Life Goes On, Puck makes a dramatic exit from the game. Dan's welcomed back with open arms, only to depart yet again.

Sharing the Blame: An Analysis of Puck’s Departure from ‘Battle of the Sexes’ I put a little too much thought into Puck leaving and BMP's less-than-stellar efforts.

Episode 10: Shirks and Skins A mission involving trivia and stripping splinters the girls' team, even though THE STRIPPING IS STRICTLY OPTIONAL. In other news, Veronica fails to get Emily booted, and Jake leaves on his own. Jake who? Exactly.

A Midseason Review With an off-week, I take a look at the season thus far. Also: my conspiracy theory centering on the David/Puck fight.

Men’s Midterm Review A look at the men's highlights so far.

Women’s Midterm Review A look at the women's highlights so far.

Episode 11: The Ancient Jungle Monkey (And Other Jamaican Folk Tales) While Emily's clique bashes Veronica, Eric climbs like the eldery simian that he is.

Episode 12: True Colors Emily (and her bloody axe) strikes again, convincing Ellen and Ruthie to dump Veronica and her ton of makeup. Also: Jamie is sexual chocolate, while Melissa makes like a poor man's Peter Pan.

Episode 13: Ayanna Get Your Gun It's Ayanna vs. the underfed Anne, as the girls are overmatched by the guys (with a Warriors-invoking Jamie) and their laser guns.

Episode 14: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Shane contemplates leaving the game, stays on, wins the mission, and finally puts the Ion Lifesaver to good use.

Episode 15: Passing the Franc At long last, the men are forced to make a decision as to who should get sent packing, and their choice has a major effect for the women.

Episode 16: Everybody Sucks Don't mind me . . . I'm just mad at everybody and everything, including MTV for a technical glitch.

Episode 17: Penultimate Plunge, A harrowing mission gives Ruthie the best stage to show off her superhuman skills. In other news, two of the most entertaining players are eliminated, and Lori finally gets some camera time.

Episode 18: Finale The guys and girls fight it out for the $150,000 grand prize, and the boys kind of cheat to win it all.

Hot & Bothered: The RW/RR Challenge Battle of the Sexes Reunion Cast members reunite to look back at BOTS.

Gauntlet 2 (2005-2006)

2009-09-13T01:57:00.000-04:00

Gauntlet 2: An Overview: A preview of the horror that is to come.

Rookie Guys Preview: A quick look at Adam K., Alton, Danny, Jamie, Jeremy, Landon, MJ and Randy.

Rookie Girls Preview: A brief insight into Cameran, Cara, Ibis, Jillian, Jo, Jodie, Kina and Susie.

Veteran Guys Preview: A peek into Ace, Adam L., Brad, David, Derrick, Mark, Syrus and Timmy.

Veteran Girls Preview: Analysis of Aneesa, Jisela, Julie, Katie, Montana, Robin and Ruthie. And Beth. Boo, hiss.

Rough Seas Ahead: The Gauntlet 2 Preview Special: Host TJ Lavin takes a look at the upcoming season.

Episode 1: Debacle Of Madness: The gang gets adjusted to their new digs and Jo freaks the hell out.

Episode 2: Delayed Karma: Jo quits, Derrick starts kicking ass, and Adam Larson gets kicked in the teeth four seasons too late.

Episode 3: Succumb All Ye Faithful: A boring episode is saved with Cameran quitting and Aneesa trying to cut Cara with words.

Episode 4: Earmuffed: The kids take part in pyramid scheming, Danny gets pissy, and Alton humilates him in the Gauntlet.

Episode 5: Mark Smash! Nice guy Mark finally explodes like the douche that he is. In other news, the season's token erotic mission is unveiled, and Jisela takes her usual departure.

Episode 6: Brokeback Meatheads: Brad and Derrick get into it, overshadowing a Speedo mission and Adam King going home.

Episode 7: Horror & Disbelief: The season takes a turn for the worse when Beth beats Ruthie in the Gauntlet. Plus: Alton is Superman, and Montana gets in some choice shots at Beth.

Episode 8: Clutch Performance: Cara and Susie come under suspicion, both teams struggle with a truck-pushing mission, and Ace's screw-up costs him a shot at the finish.

Episode 9: The Eighth Sign: Beth runs her mouth, underachieves in the mission . . . then chucks rival Montana out of the game. Clearly, karma has given this show a pass.

Episode 10: Broken Bull: Jodi and Alton get closer to each other. Syrus picks a bad time to fail, and an overmatched Derrick chucks him out of the game, causing Beth to cry.

Episode 11: Resistance Is Futile: The teams engage in rope-holding. Beth somehow doesn't go to the Gauntlet, but Cara does.

Episode 12: Tired And Sick: Beth underachieves yet again, but Ibis and simple mathematics defeat the Rookies, who wind up sacrificing Jeremy to Mt. Alton.

Episode 13: Beth Ruins Everything: Good news: Beth is finally gone. Bad news: she does it in the most self-pleasing way possible, avoiding a predestined and deserved beating from Aneesa.

Episode 14: Television With Pit: The teams improvise to climb out of a hole. Derrick and Brad finally have it out in the Gauntlet. Plus: more Alton/Jodi canoodling.

Episode 15: Blind Faith: After a mission of blind trust, Kina goes mental before taking out Jillian in the Gauntlet.

Episode 16: Penulitmate Pitfall: Derrick rips his indecisive team, and a poor table pays the price for his anger.

Episode 17: Whimper: After a dramatic Gauntlet, the Veterans let themselves and everybody else down, bringing a crappy season to a crappier end.

Who Wants To Be A Superhero? (2006)

2009-09-09T18:33:00.002-04:00

Back when I was recapping for a reality site, there was one show that I wanted to recap. Who Wants To Be A Superhero? was in developmental limbo for years; I wound up picking up an application back at Comic Con International in 2003. I was told that I'd get to recap the show once it came out, but then it got promised to another. By the time the show came out on Sci Fi (now SyFy) in 2006, I was independent and a few months removed from quitting recapping The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

You'll notice that I only recapped the first half of the season. What happened? I got the first three episodes covered, but then I dawdled on the fourth. In the mess in my room, I still have the notes from that episode. I just fell behind, and I decided to pull the plug without any fanfare. Aside from the elimination of fan favorite Major Victory, there weren't any real surprises, as superfan Feedback triumphed over Fat Momma to win a mediocre one-shot comic from Dark Horse.

It's not that I stopped caring about the show. Not only did I watch the second (and final) season, I wound up getting -- to date -- ten sketches based on the contestants from both editions. Really, how many other reality shows can you do that with and not feel weird about it afterward? And I hope for a revival down the line. Even with the misfits (Ms. Limelight and Mr. Mitzvah from the second season), plants (Rotiart and Iron Enforcer) and questionable decisions made by sole judge Stan Lee (the eliminations of Tyveculus and Major Victory), it was a great show. While other summer reality shows featured backstabbers, media whores and all-around losers, WWTBAS? had people trying to reach a higher standard, attempting to be better people in the process. Looking back, it's a miracle the show got two seasons.

So, for your reading pleasure . . .

Issue #1: Heroism 101: Stan Lee deals out harsh lessons for the assembled heroes. Levity learns that he can sell himself too much, Nitro G comes up a little short (in more ways than one), and Major Victory commences to chew scenery.

Issue #2: Mad Dogs & Makeovers: The heroes endure a test of bravery, then get costume makeovers. Cell Phone Girl gets disconnected, Stan makes Iron Enforcer an offer he can't refuse, and Monkey Woman becomes doggy chow.

Issue #3: Stan Never Promised A Rose Garden: After botching a hidden mission, Monkey Woman gets destroyed by Snarlin' Stan. In other news: Dark Enforcer is unleashed on the heroes, and Tyveculus fails to take himself down a peg, winding up running out on pegs in the process.

To Recap Or Not To Recap

2009-09-02T15:44:00.004-04:00

I got the news a few days ago: Television Without Pity was no longer going to recap The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, and the forums were going to be eliminated. Some would view this as a good thing, since the recapping of the show had been mediocre over the past few years and the less TWoP has to do with MTV the better. But now there's this voice in my head, whispering, "It's time to step up again."

This isn't the first time this happened. Back in 2001, TWoP had stopped recapping the Challenge after Extreme Challenge aired. The move made sense, since the show only aired once a year at the time. I think it was that event which inspired me to contact another recapping site whose name I'm not going to say for reasons I'll get into later. They already had somebody recapping the show, but I carved out a niche as I wrote articles and opinion pieces, culminating with recaps of Dog Days from Animal Planet. And by the time Battle Of The Sexes rolled around in early 2003, I was ready.

In retrospect, the first year of recapping the Challenge was my salad days. With BOTS, I had to put up with a lot of bullshit from the show; specifically, the attention-grubbing antics of Puck from The Real World: San Francisco. It was clear that he never grew up, and the poster boy for media whores yet to come managed to make himself the center of attention before leaving midway through the season. There was also stuff like Emily (second season of Road Rules) and her two snotty friends (blah Christina, underfed Anne) and her vendetta with Veronica (RR: Semester At Sea), culminating with Veronica's dismissal from the game. But there were good times to be had: Jamie (RW: New Orelans), his Jesus-like beard and his overachieving; Antoine (RR: Europe) and his ambigious sexuality; playa David (RW: New Orleans) not only being on his best behavior, but also finding a love connection with crazy Ayanna (RR: Semester At Sea); and Melissa Howard in general. I adored the girl, and I enjoyed defending her, even when her heart wasn't in the game. Her getting rid of ex-friend Julie Stoffer in the first episode? That was a bonus. And I was recapping with both barrels. Sure, it took me longer to recap than the other writers, but I used the TWoP method: write down everything from the tape, put out the memorable quotes, and leave little out. I can't believe it's been almost seven years since I went over that season. I also can't believe I once treated Veronica, Rachel (RR: Campus Crawl) and Eric Nies as human beings back then.

Then came The Gauntlet in late 2003, which I consider to be the last truly great season. For one thing, I got to recap the dynamic duo from RW: Back To New York: aspiring wrestler/meathead Mike Mizanin and caustic bitch Coral Smith. But the real scene-stealer was Sarah Greyson. She had been the most identifiable to me during RR: Campus Crawl, and it broke my heart when she was voted off by her teammates, most of whom couldn't stand her. Two of said castmates -- Rachel and Darrell -- started off The Gauntlet by wanting to take Sarah out of the game. Half of the Road Rules team wanted Sarah gone, voting her into the Gauntlet five times. And all five times, she'd come back as the winner. That year, the website had its year-end awards, and we voted her as Most Courageous/Inspiring Moment on a Reality Show. Of course there was stuff to offset that, like Coral's breakdown after getting voted into the Gauntlet, the Abram/Rachel/Veronica threesome in the shower, and Coral getting bit by a spider and half her team thinking she was dogging it. All in all, The Gauntlet had drama, but it was fun drama.

Things went downhill throughout 2004 and early 2005. It wasn't just about writing about the Road Rules team bullying Katie during The Inferno or the guys destroying the girls throughout most of Battle Of The Sexes 2. Every now and then, I'd post something on the website's forum, something that wouldn't really offend anybody on TWoP, and I'd have other recappers looking to rip my head off. Suddenly, it was bad for me to have opinions. I swear, I never cracked my knuckles over a keyboard, hellbent to make other people mad. It was just a matter of my inability to feel the temperature of a room. Combined that with my increasingly negative recaps during BOTS2 and my inablity to produce in a timely manner, that was enough for the head honcho to boot me from the sight without me getting a chance to defend myself. I responded by making this blog and recapping the following two seasons: Inferno II and Gauntlet 2.

By the time Fresh Meat rolled around in 2006, I wondered, "Do I have to do this again?" Recapping a toxic Beth week after week during Gauntlet 2 had taken its toll, becoming one factor of many that led me to stop recapping. I had a brief fling with Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, a story that will be told at another time, but I lost the will halfway through the season.

So why start again now? Because the situation is similar to when I first got started. Because I still don't have much of a life. Because I need to work through the crappy season of The Real World: Cancun which precedes The Ruins. Because some of the folks entering The Ruins need to be reamed. For every person there that's halfway normal (Ibis, Darrell) or positively entertaining (Brad, Derrick), there are ugly mothers like Susie, Evelyn, Johnny, Evan and Kenny. Look through my posts on TWoP; people like them bring out the worst in me. And that's a reason for me not to recap. Why risk what little sanity I have left on the likes of Wes, Johanna and Shavoun? Is it funny for me to claim that Casey had "titty envy" of Coral, or is that anti-woman of me to say? Does saying "Shut UP, Veronica" and calling her "Verantula" every week really worth it? What do I have to prove?

Bottom line: I'm on the fence. The Ruins starts up in late September. I could go whole-hog and spend days going over an hour's worth of tape to bring the best recap I can. I could just half-ass it. Or I could not bother at all. It's nice to have choices, and I'd like to hear what anybody reading this has to say.

Night In The Citi

2009-05-03T00:43:00.006-04:00

It had been a few weeks since the New York Mets opened their new stadium. Seeing how these are the Mets we're talking about, they sold the naming rights to Citi Bank, which ended up getting bailed out by the government. And naturally, the third pitch thrown in an official game (exhibition games against the Red Sox don't count) got launched into the stands by Jody Gerut of the Padres. When you're a Mets fan -- even a lapsed one such as myself -- you have to cope with this sort of stuff.

It had been four years since I had gone to Shea Stadium, which I documented on this blog. I had meant to come back before the last game was played, but I never got the chance. Today, the Mets play in Citi Field, a shiny new ballpark that owner Fred Wilpon has been dreaming about all his life; a park with the facade of old Ebbets Field and all the bells and whistles. Sure, Shea Stadium had been rendered an antique, but all it needed was some remodeling. But now, all traces of the park are gone. Some may have considered it a pit, but I reckon it was our pit.

So I decided to go see the Mets in action. This is tough for me, not just because the tickets are pricier than when I started seeing games in 1983, but also because the Mets have a ticketing plan wherein people pay more for certain dates. Click here to see what I'm talking about. It's okay . . . I'll be here when you're done.

Back? Yeah, it's insane, isn't it? Anyway, with "Value" dates few and far between, I decided to go to a Wednesday day game. But then I got saddled with taking my grandfather to a doctor's appointment. Then I had a realization: why not go the night before? It's not like I had anything worth getting up for the following morning.

Because I'm a dummy, I spent too long at home and got to the express bus stop at 4 p.m., three hours before game time. It took me over ninety minutes to get to the 7 train; I could've zipped on the 4 train downtown, but I wanted to nap on the bus. By the time I got to Citi Field, I didn't have much time to explore. Well, at least not as much time as I would have wanted.

I entered through the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, which is a huge exhibition space dedicated to baseball's first black player. In retrospect, you'd think there would be something representing the Mets, but instead there's space for a guy who retired five years before the Mets were born. In short: Jackie = Ebbets Field = Fred Wilpon in the owner's box, with a hand in his pants. In Wilpon's defense, Jackie's number getting retired by Major League Baseball did happen at Shea in 1997, so there is that. It is beautiful, though . . . lots of video footage of Robinson, quotations along the walls, and a big "42" for people to pose next to, not unlike the retired numbers of Orioles players outside of Camden Yards.

I bought a "baseline box" for $45, but I found myself in the outfield, a stone's throw away from the left field foul pole, with a good view of the retired numbers: Casey Stengel's 37, Gild Hodges' 14, Tom Seaver's 41 (I was there at the ceremony in 1987), Robinson's 42 and a circle honoring Shea Stadium. To be fair, the baseline was nearby, so it wasn't false advertising. After checking out my seat, I had to go exploring. I found myself at the Taste Of New York area, full of food stands. You want ribs? Go to Blue Smoke. Or maybe pick up something at the Shake Shack. Or play around at FanFest, maybe play the latest MLB video game. Only problem? The lines were unbelievably long, and time was short. I'm anal about baseball, in the sense that I always -- always -- have to keep score, meaning little to no movement from my seat. I ended up "settling" for a sweet sausage in a roll with onions and peppers.

Before the game, Gary Sheffield was honored for hitting his 500th home run about a week ago. This is messed up, given that a. Sheffield is a suspected steroid user, and b. His milestone homer was his first as a Met. He ended up getting a crystal bat for the occasion. Maybe that's why the Tigers cut up loose in spring training; not because he's a malcontent, but that they couldn't come up with the scratch to properly reward him. Even weirder was the montage on the video screen showing his homers for seven other teams. For a guy with Hall Of Fame numbers, he sure got around. Also, it turns out that he was the third guy in MLB history to homer in his teens and forties; the other two being Ty Cobb and Rusty Staub. That explains why "Le Grande Orange" was at the festivities.

After cellist Bianca Kovic played the national anthem, it was game time. The Mets were one game under .500, facing the slumping Florida Marlins. The starting pitchers were playing Who Wants To Remain In The Rotation?, with Livan Hernandez taking the stage. He did well; he only pitched five and a third innings and gave up three runs, but he struck out five. The Mets went out to a quick lead after Sheffield, the man of the hour, tripled in two runs in the first. By the time the seventh inning rolled around, the Mets were up, 4-3. I was comfy with my seat; one thing that I saw with the new park was that the vendors were always there. Sure, I'd have to get up to get ribs, burgers or fries. But if you want the staples -- beer, soda, franks, ice cream, peanuts, Cracker Jack, etc. -- all you needed was a loud voice and money. And with the Mets up, I knew what would happen; they'd turn to setup man J.J. Putz to hold the eighth inning (that's "Putz" as in "Puts 'em away"), followed by Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez saving the game at the ninth. Simple, right?

Enter reliever Sean Green. Top of the seventh inning. After walking Alfredo Amezaga, Green struck out pitch hitter Ross Gload for the first out. Emilio Bonifaco singled, followed by Amezaga stealing third. One ground ball from Cameron Maybin, the game was tied. John Baker walked, leading to Jorge Cantu coming up to bat. First of all, is it obvious that I'm writing all this off my scorecard? Secondly, Cantu had already homered in the fourth. Tied score, late in the game . . . you can probably guess what happened next.

Cantu homered to center. Marlins led, 7-4. And nothing really happened after that. The Mets only got one hit in the final three innings. This wasn't as ugly as the time I went to the Braves/Mets game in 2001 when Armando Benitez blew a big game, the Mets lost in extra innings, and I ended up spitting on a belligerent Braves fan after the last out . . . but it wasn't fun. I mean, the stadium makes me what to come back and spend more money, but a win would've been nice.

Epilogue: The Mets didn't fare well the following day, so I didn't miss out on anything. Johan Santana had trouble early, and his ERA swelled to 1.10, but the Mets supported him. Then Putz blew the game, and the Mets couldn't make up the difference. New park, same Mets. At least they haven't been forced to slash prices on their pricier seats, unlike the Yankees.

Graphic Novel Reviews

2009-02-05T01:29:00.009-05:00

Beyond Race Magazine was founded in 2006, a quarterly magazine geared towards progressive thinkers. And since its inception, I have been writing feature stories for BRM. In 2008, I decided to fill a niche. Other writers reviewed new albums; I decided to cover graphic novels. Here are the links to my reviews:

Incognegro (DC Comics/Vertigo)

Shortcomings (Drawn & Quarterly)

Fox Bunny Funny (Top Shelf Publishing)

Life Sucks (First Second)

Water Baby (DC Comics/Minx)

Jessica Farm Volume One (Fantagraphics)

Too Cool To Be Forgotten (Top Shelf Publishing)

Shmobots (BOOM! Studios)

Pocket Full Of Rain And Other Stories (Fantagraphics)

Burnout (DC Comics/Minx)

The New York Four (DC Comics/Minx)

Bottomless Belly Button (Fantagraphics)

Prince Of Persia (First Second)

Essex County Volume Three: The Country Nurse (Top Shelf Publishing)

Breakdowns: Portrait of the Artist as a Young %@?*! (Pantheon Press)

Joker (DC Comics)

Bat-Manga! The Secret History Of Batman In Japan (Pantheon Press)

Deitch's Pictorama (Fantagraphics)

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe (Oni Press)

The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Century -- 1910
(Top Shelf Publishing)

The Color Of Earth (First Second)

Connective Tissue (Fantagraphics)

The Color Of Water (First Second)

The Eternal Smile (First Second)

30 Second Recap Contest: What I Learned From Comics In 2008

2009-01-04T14:37:00.003-05:00

Once again, Chris Sims has asked for entries to his 30 Second Recap Contest. Once again, I answer the call, even though I have no business drawing anything, ever.

Last year, I covered almost a year's worth of one of my favorite books, The All-New Atom. I didn't win anything, though Sims thought I ought to deserve an award for having Adolf Hitler getting kicked in the face. On the bright side, I got a laugh from Gail Simone, an online acquaintance of mine who also wrote the book at that time. Surprisingly enough, that was an award in itself.

This time, I'm showing off what I've learned from comic books in the past twelve months. Once again: I can't draw for spit. Expect characters with round heads and near-symmetrical, undefined bodies staring blankly at you while they give off what I hope are humorous lines. Due to my getting off to a late start, you won't be seeing Gorilla Grodd actually throwing The Brain at Monsieur Mallah, let alone hitting him (as awesomely depicted here), one of the snarky white gorillas from Wonder Woman lifting his own car battery, the exposed dong shot from the consistently-delayed War Heroes getting censored by Felony from Special Forces telling us about her consistently-delayed series, and -- most tragically -- the scene from Final Crisis: Requiem where Batman friggin' catches on psychic fire while driving the Batmobile, calmly telling Alfred that he'll check it out once he deals with the hoods he's pursuing. Frank Miller can go over-the-top with his non-satire satire All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder all he wants, he can keep using the word "goddamn" like a comma, he can make all the other heroes look like total bozos (except Black Canary, whom he makes Irish . . . seriously, I don't know), and yet there's Batman. In DC continuity proper. On fire. While driving. If I had the chops, I would've drawn it. For that, I'm sorry.

Okay, I've kvetched long enough. Enjoy!

Eighty Reasons Why I Love Comics

2008-09-14T22:17:00.003-04:00

I'm not much of a meme guy. Hell, I barely post here nowadays. But a blog called seebelow unveiled a meme based on Fred Hembeck's list of 100 things he loved about comic books. Soon, the meme infiltrated comic blogs I frequented, including Christopher Bird (of MightyGodKing.com) posting forty sets of panels as evidence that he'll love comics forever.

I sat down and I listed stuff that I've liked reading over the years. And I kept writing. And since I stink at writing lists, I came up with eighty reasons in total. There's probably a lot more that I can think of, but a. there would be more overlap of reasons that I have right now, and b. I need to stop while I'm still relatively sane. If I included cartoons and manga, the list would be even long, so I stuck with comics. Most of the links are from my Flickr account, where I've posted sketches that I've been getting since 2000. If I ever get back to blogging on a regular basis, I might explain some of my picks. But in the meantime, enjoy the list and leave a comment if you'd like.

1. Kingdom Come
2. Marvels
3. Impulse (by Mark Waid & Humberto Ramos)
4. Young Justice (Peter David & Todd Nauck)
5. Top Ten (Alan Moore, Gene Ha, Zander Cannon)
6. Black Panther (by Christopher Priest)
7. Quantum & Woody (Priest & MD Bright)
8. Gail Simone
9. Evan Dorkin
10. Pedro & Me
11. The Adventures of Barry Ween
12. "Do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago." (Ozymandias, Watchmen #11)
13. No, I was a failure. If I were a real hero . . . I would have been here in time to stop the first plane." (Mayor Mitchell Hundred, Ex Macchina #1)
14. Adam Warren
15. Deadpool (by Joe Kelly)
16. Danny the Street (Doom Patrol)
17. Kemlo "Hyperdog" Caesar (Top Ten)
18. Joe Pi (Top Ten)
19. "The Intervention" (Dork! #9)
20. Kyle Rayner: The Last Green Lantern (as written by Ron Marz and Judd Winick)
21. "Maybe Next Year" (Peter Parker: Spider-Man #33)
22. Mogo and Rot Lop Fan (introduced by Alan Moore, Green Lantern #188 and Tales of the Green Lantern Corps Annual #3, respectively)
23. All-Star Superman (Grant Morrison & Frank Quietly)
24. Tommy Monaghan (Hitman)
25. "Mad About The Boy" (Wonder Woman #153)
26. "She's A Wonder" (Wonder Woman #170)
27. "So there was only one Green Lantern . . . and I'm it. Everybody better get used to the idea." (Kyle Rayner, Green Lantern #0
28. "How To Win Friends And Influence People" (Impulse #3)
29. Spider Jerusalem (Transmetropolitan)
30. Everett K. Ross (Black Panther)
31. Vincent Van Goat, aka H.A.E.D.U.S (Heavily Armored Espionage Deadly Uber-Sheep) (Quantum & Woody)
32. "Captain Traynor, sir? All due respect sir . . . Permission to use extreme force." " Break her &$%!ing neck, son." "Yessir." (Jeff Smax and Steve "Jetman" Traynor, after Commissioner Ultima killed Girl One, Top Ten #10)
33. Empowered (by Adam Warren)
34. "Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow?" (Superman #423 & Action Comics #583)
35. "What's So Funny About Truth, Justice, & the American Way?" (Action Comics #775)
36. Deadpool kicks a possessed Captain America in the balls before saving the world (Deadpool #25)
37. Nextwave
38. Transmetropolitan: Lust For Life trade paperback
39. Ghost Rider 2099 #1-12
40. Ryan Choi (The All-New Atom, by Gail Simone)
41. Secret Six (Gail Simone)
42. 7 Guys Of Justice (Brian Joines)
43. Action Philosophers
44. Starman (by James Robinson)
45. The Shade (as written by James Robinson)
46. Couch-bound ex-baddies: Caged Demonwolf (Empowered) and Head (The All-New Atom)
47. Barbara Gordon wiggles her toes (Birds Of Prey #85)
48. Reverend Doctor Michael ibn al-Hajj Achebe (and Daki the handpuppet) (Black Panther)
49. "Kiss Me" (Hitman #21)
50. Steve Englehart's contributions to the Ultraverse: The Strangers and The Night Man
51. "Beginning's End" (Green Lantern #150)
52. The Shift/Indigo romance (Outsiders)
53. The short-lived Ragdoll/Mad Hatter friendship (Secret Six #6)
54. Grunge & Twenty-Man Tommy settling a dispute through ferretlegging (Gen13 #65)
55. Bizarro Comics and Bizarro World
56. "Uptown" (Black Panther #17)
57. Superman/Batman: World's Funnest (written by Evan Dorkin)
58. "The Santa Contract" (Hitman #22)
59. Easter Eggs in Top Ten from Gene Ha
60. Joker, Green Lantern, and Superman from Tangent Comics (pre-Superman's Reign)
61. Spider-Boy (Amalgam Comics)
62. Livewires
63. Spider Man/Human Torch: I'm With Stupid
64. The Golden Age
65. T'Challa sucker-punches Mephisto, sells his soul for the safety of his people, and walks away victorious (Black Panther #4-5)
66. "Cluttered Like My Head" (Dork! #7)
67. Milk & Cheese
68. "Failed Universes" (Gen 13 #69-70)
69. Wally West makes Reverse-Flash his bitch, finally comes into his own as Flash (Flash #80)
70. The William/Josh "trivia-off" ("Bring Me The Head Of Boba Fett" by Evan Dorkin)
71. "Running From The Past" (Impulse #16)
72. "Stop Me if You've Heard This One..." (Superman/Batman Annual #1)
73. Supergirl/Batgirl: World's Finest
74. Wildguard
75. Amish Kal-El vs. Kryptonian DNA-infused Jimmy Olsen (JLA: The Nail #3)
76. Dr. Thirteen: Architects Of Morality trade paperback
77. "With Great Powers Comes Great Coincidence" (Deadpool #11)
78. "Switch" (Quantum & Woody #10)
79. "Shazam! SHAZAM! SHAZAM!" (Captain Marvel, Kingdom Come #4)

And finally . . .

80. "Spinach and cottage cheese? That's a Spectre Platter?" "Look at it this way. It's flattering to be remembered somehow." (Jim Corrigan and Norman McKay, Kingdom Come)

Building a Better Gauntlet

2008-03-15T01:29:00.001-04:00

I have come to accept that Bunim-Murray Productions doesn’t care about Real World/Road Rules Challenge in the sense that fair gameplay doesn’t facilitate drama, so it takes a back seat. I know that the players will be cast for maximum entertainment; any chances of halfway normal people – Roni, Steve, Dave, Jacquese, Lori, etc. – coming back are practically nil. I’m resigned to the realization that a story as involving as Sarah winning five Gauntlets will never be told again because the engine that drives the show needs very little sympathy to run. Even worse, not only do I hear that Beth – pushing 40, by the way – is open to doing more Challenges, but Mark Long might be coming back as well. This former good guy turned cradle-robber, fit-thrower, and giver of $60,000 to an undeserving prick like Eric Nies, actually swore he was done with Challenges at the reunion special for Gauntlet 2. What, Reality Remix isn’t good enough for you, Marky Mark?

Yes, I do wonder why the hell I should care about this show, especially since it brings out the vilest emotions from my soul. The road to each season’s “handsome reward” has been riddled with potholes, and BMP does little to fill them. This season on Gauntlet 3, we have the team losing a mission forced to watch as the victors pick one of their own to go into the Gauntlet, as well as protect a prospective “easy pick” from going in. Then the losers would deliberate as to who else would have to fight in the Gauntlet to stay in the game. Great ides, especially the part when the captain system from Gauntlet 2 gets dumped. So what went wrong to make Gauntlet 3 the absolute worst season in Challenge history?

First, the Gauntlet still alternated between men and women, which means at any given time, that one gender isn’t at risk, and they can throw a mission to send somebody into the Gauntlet that they don’t like. This has led to countless interviews with Evan, Kenny, CT and Danny bitching about how the women on their team don’t pull their own weight, even though their side hasn’t lost that many missions outright. The unspoken second problem is that there are no bank accounts in play this time; instead, we have an all-or-nothing system where only the winning team gets paid, and the losers walk away with little more than sponsor prizes. Also, most seasons end on a long distance mission, where more people could be a problem. This is probably one of the bigger bugs up CT’s ass, since he was a part of the Bad Ass team in Inferno II that only lost one player (Dan) to the Inferno (Beth took a powder, Karamo had a prior obligation and threw his Inferno against Landon), only to helplessly watch as Tonya (fatigued from a night out) and Tina (more mouth than leg muscles) dragged them down for a loss. Being a better team in missions or in endgames doesn’t seem to benefit winning teams directly, leading to the ugliness of Gauntlet 3 and Coral’s departure.

Well, I’m here to help. I’ve recapped six seasons of the show, and I’ve devoted too much time and too many brain cells to it. I’ve figured out how to organize teams, how success in missions and Gauntlets would pay off (I prefer Gauntlets to Duels, Infernos and Pits, so that’s the format I’ll be using), how one person can stand head and shoulders above a team and win the most money in Challenge history . . . and how anybody can be motivated by the ultimate threat.

The Teams

In the beginning, there was Real World and Road Rules. Then it was men against women, but that was brutal to watch at times. With the death of the Road Rules franchise, BMP found new ways to divide the players, first with “Good Guys” and “Bad Asses" starting in Inferno II, followed by “Veterans” (those who had done two or more Challenges) and “Rookies” (comprised of newbies, second-timers, and Jamie, who had won two prior Challenges. Don’t ask) in Gauntlet 2. There were teams of two on two separate occasions (Battle of the Seasons, Fresh Meat), and players going solo with The Duel . . . but since freakin' Wes won $150,000, we’ll pretend that never happened. I’m ignoring all that for a new notion: Red vs. Blue.

Here’s how it starts: the 24 or 28 contestants are hustled to either a clearing with woods surrounding it or the 50-yard-line on a football field. The host does the welcome speech, when goes on about how things are different this time. Cue the helicopter hovering about a half-mile away. From there, $5,000 of fake money in single bill form is dropped, a nod to how All-Star Challenge kicked off. The twelve or fourteen guys are told that 4,998 bills are green, but they have to look for a red and a blue bill, then bring it back. Oh, and tackling others to get those bills would be permitted. A few minutes later, while the guys are scrambling, another 5,000 bills are dropped, and the girls get to make their run.

At the end of this mission, one guy and one girl will have blue bills, and another pair will be holding red bills. They will helping to form the teams. As a reward, these four get to split the traditional $10,000 prize money for a mission win, and immunity from the first Gauntlet. After a quick session of rock-paper-scissors, one team picks one of the 20 or 24 remaining players. The other team follows with a pick from a different gender. The teams rotate, either male-female-female-male-male, etc., or female-male-male-female-female, etc. To make things interesting, a “scapegoat prevention clause” would give immunity to the last guy and girl picked for each team, so they can “step up,” “redeem themselves,” and whatever other cliche phrases you can think up. Oh, and there are no twists in terms of belonging on a team. Once the teams are formed, they will be no trades or defections.

The House

In my head, there would be three main areas: the center would be a “free” area for both sides to mingle, ans two “wings” would be attached to either side. Before Gauntlet deliberations, both sides would be sequestered away from each other in their respective wings. After making their decisions, the teams would call the house on a private hotline before proceeding to the Gauntlet. Speaking of which, the Gauntlet will be right outside the house, just like back in Telluride, Col., in the original Gauntlet.

The Missions

I wouldn’t change much by way of actual missions, as long as not an emphasis on the icky and the excruciating (like forcing players into freezers and submerge themselves in ice water). Any timed missions would be averaged out per person as opposed to cumulative, especially in the case of a numbers advantage. The team that wins a mission gets $10,000 for their bank account, the final one pays out at least $150,000, and only those that make it to the finale get to share in the riches. Also, I’d put in time limit missions; if both teams don’t succeed in the allotted period, neither side gets money, and that amount gets added to the final mission jackpot.

The Gauntlet: Spiel

“Take a look around, people. Anybody here could face anybody else. Your best friend may have to take you out in order to stay in the game. You might have to battle your worst enemy, somebody you’ve barely met, maybe even the one you’re hooking up with. Just remember . . . all roads lead to the Gauntlet.”

The Gauntlet: Deliberation

As stated earlier, both teams would be sequestered in their respective wings, with no interteam conversation before the Gauntlet. Regardless of winning or losing, both teams would nomination one of their number to go to the Gauntlet, then call the host on the hotline with the decision. They can vote any way they'd like . . . privately, publicly, the 3-2-1 system Steve came up with that his own team used to send him to his doom by Trishelle's hands, etc.

The Gauntlet: Restrictions

For the first time since The Gauntlet, there would be no same-sex endgames. However, the same gender cannot be sent into the Gauntlet more than twice in a row. For instance, a side that has sent two females must pick a male afterwards. In addition, any player that wins a Gauntlet is immune from the next vote. This shall be known as the “Grayson Rule,” at least for myself and any other hardcore fan of Sarah. Also, Most Valuable Player (MVP) awards would be given to the top players in every other mission in the first half of the season and every mission in the second half. Instead of rewarding the best player from each team, the MVP honors would be given to the top male and female competitors, who would be immune from the Gauntlet.

The Gauntlet: Game Selection

In the beginning, there was the oversized single die rolled by the player from that week’s winning team. Now we have a spinning wheel, which doesn’t work as well, and there’s the potential for rigging by production. I mean, Beth got to choose Reverse Tug-Of-War twice. That’s the definition of “shenanigans,” right? For this edition, I’m going old-school: lottery machine.

Here’s how it would work: three balls would represent each game. Just press a button, watch the ball pop up . . . boom, there’s your game. After the draw, that ball would be taken out for good, in order to minimize games coming up again and again. In addition, there would be three “winner’s choice” balls, where the competitor from that episode’s winning team would choose the game, and a single “loser’s choice" ball would be mixed in to make things interesting.

The Gauntlet: The Twist

I came up with what I thought was a great idea. It’s hard to explain, so I’ll have to go with an example.

In this simulation, the Red team has won the mission and $10,000. After both sides call in their Gauntlet choices, Red gets ten red balls put into the machine. They can replace one red ball for a blue one for $1,000 per ball, which comes from that episode’s winnings. That money would be added to the $150,000 awarded in the final mission.

The Red side decides to spend $7,000 to replace seven red balls. One ball pops out. If a red ball comes out, nothing changes. If a blue ball comes out, Red can pick anybody from Blue that is not immune from the vote. However, if they pick Blue’s Gauntlet representative, Blue can turn around and pick somebody from Red to replace their doomed player. If they choose the player picked by Red, then nothing changes, and the Gauntlet goes on as originally scheduled.

I know . . . it’s a bit complicated, and I can’t imagine some veterans wrapping their minds around it. The main goal is to set up a stage where anybody could face anybody else in the Gauntlet, regardless of team affiliations. Imagine this playing out in the original Gauntlet. We could’ve had a battle between polar opposites from RR: The Quest: alpha douche and poster boy for ADD-riddled assholes Adam versus underexposed smart guy Steve. Coral might have been forced to fight her best girl friend on her team (Elka) or her worst enemies (Trishelle and Matt). Even scarier: a one-on-one rumble between Coral and Mike. Or how about lovebirds Mike and Trishelle? Here’s one that would have been fun: the allegedly weak Sarah taking on Rachel, who’s been all muscle and little hustle in her entire Challenge career. Rachel vs. Veronica, Matt vs. David, Theo vs. Adam, Abram vs. Tina . . . the possibilities wouldn’t have been endless, but the fun could have been.

Gauntlet: The Games

One major caveat is that endurance contests would be scaled back, if not eliminated altogether. I’d like to see some more action, not two people hanging upside down from trapeze bars. Also, I’d bring back the different-gender policy from Gauntlet – where only half the games were used – but I’d make things a little more fair. In other words, there wouldn’t be a repeat of the final Gauntlet, where Theo struggled on a mechanical bull, while Cara got a simulated ride on a sedated cow, as then-boyfriend Dave smirked about how she’s so used to it.

As for actual games, I’d import Balls In from Inferno II, with players alternating turns. I’d also bring back Perfect Fit (players dive into pool, fish out puzzle pieces, then assemble puzzle in a tray) and Knock Your Block Off (the jousting game), and I’d alter previous games from the past.

Trivial Brawl: Both players start at opposite ends of a field. The host asks a trivia question relating to any of the other Challengers. The players rush past each other to separate pits, each filled with balls with players’ names on them. For fun, throw in black balls (a layer covering the top of the pit), balls with names of non-Challengers, and balls with misspelled names. Once the players get balls with what they feel is the correct answer, they have to rush back to where they started . . . and contact is highly encouraged. First player back to his/her starting point wins a point. To make things more interesting, the players have to get ten points to win, with questions ranging from one to five points – the more points, the tougher and more obscure the question – chosen by the player winning the prior point. Also, some questions would require multiple answers, and contact would be allowed only when players get all the balls they need. (Same Gender Only)

Trivial Chase: It’s the same setup as Trivial Brawl, only no contact can be made between players. Instead, they are given seven trivia questions that have to be answered in order. Both players go back and forth, collecting the corresponding balls for each question and putting them on a stand. Once all the balls are retrieved, a judge checks to make sure they’re correct. If not, the player is given the number of correct answers, and the player has to figure out what questions were answered wrong. Repeat as necessary until somebody wins. (Both Genders)

Turntable: This is adapted from a Gauntlet mission. Instead of putting the opponents on the same turntable and eliminating whoever flies off first, each player gets their own turntable. The mission: stay on for a designated number of revolutions. The twist: each player has the ability to control how fast the turntable moves. Have it turn too slow, you risk getting burned by your opponent. If it turns too fast, you fly off, whatever revolutions you’ve already made are wiped away, and you have to wait until the turntable stops before getting back on and starting over. Puking is not grounds for disqualification, even if it’s on the opponent . . . but let’s hope it never comes to that. (Both Genders)

The Finale: Prelude

This season, the Axis Of Ass has horrific visions of the girls slowing them down in a long distance run, with Coral faking an allergic reaction to cover for fatigue. Hey, I believe that happened to her back in the day, but Kenny pissed on that in the preview special. Anyway, who knows what the mission will be? So here’s what I’m thinking: the winner of each mission gets a set of puzzle pieces. Collect five sets, you can read what the final mission will entail. If they get the gist in less than five sets? Whatever.

Finale: Rules

Originally, I was going to keep the long distance run with a twist: the results from the Gauntlet would factor far greater. In the original Gauntlet, Road Rules would’ve had a five-minute head start for each Gauntlet won by players on their team still in the game. With Sarah’s five Gauntlet wins and Cara’s two, the team would’ve had 35 minutes on Real World. However, fifteen minutes would’ve been deducted by the three RW players that won Gauntlets (Alton, Coral, Mike). This way, RR could’ve benefited directly from Sarah’s victories instead of Adam contemplate smothering her while she slept.

But then I got a better idea: why should some Challengers be deprived of going into the Gauntlet? There were underachievers who skipped out the endgames (Veronica, Rachel), supporting role players (Roni, Dave), and alpha dogs (Adam, Darrell, Theo) who never had a chance to go in. So the final mission for a Gauntlet edition? The Gauntlet.

Here how it would work: both teams make a list of players in order of when they’d like to be sent into the Gauntlet. Those on the top of each list face off. After that, each team sends their players in order. Once a team reaches the bottom of the lineup, they go back to the top. Each player gets one life, plus one more life per MVP and/or Gauntlet won. Once a player loses his/her lives, they are out of the game. Once a team reaches 3-4 players, the time between Gauntlets is extended to allow for rest. And we go on and on and on until one team runs out of players . . . then the other side wins the game. Simple as that.

I have three additional ideas, all of which would be optional. Let’s see if you like them.

1. Team Shares

Instead of spilting team bank accounts equally, how about by the amount of work done when it counts? For every MVP honor and Gauntlet win, a player receives one additional share. I came up with this idea near the end of The Gauntlet, where Sarah would have walked away with six figures easily. That would’ve been better than my other fantasy: Sarah getting into her prize car and trying to mow down Adam, Rachel and Veronica.

2. Last Person Standing

The Duel abandoned the pretense of teamwork, letting individual players go at it for $150,000. And the results were good . . . unless you remember dickhead Wes beat Brad in the final mission. I don’t care that Wes swore off Challenges . . . he’s still a dick. But I did figure out how to make my game into an individual contest at the end.

After the final mission, the losing team goes away, and the winners get 24-48 hours to celebrate before coming back to the Gauntlet. They pick up where they left off, going in two at a time to face each other. Figure for each win in the finale, they get an additional life for this bonus stage. And the last person standing in the end doesn’t get a share of the team’s bank account . . . that person gets the same total as the team. That means if the team wins $250,000, then the one who survives the ultimate mission wins a separate $250,000 jackpot. Of course, I’m not sure BMP has that much money to give out. Also . . . can you imagine if the winner was, say, CT? How much muscle mass formula and prostitutes can a man get for a quarter million bucks? I don’t think we’re ready for something worse than Wes with $150,000.

3. The Ultimate Incentive

Now this one might be my best idea, and possibly my most evil. Go to the first episode, where the host (Rob Dyrdek in fantasy, T.J. Lavin in harsh reality) goes over the rules. The he drops the bomb: “The team that loses the final mission . . . all team members either there or at home will be barred from competing in future Challenges. FOREVER!” Cut to everybody freaking the hell out. One or two veteran players interview how shaken they are. A newbie can’t believe his first time on a Challenge could be his last. And the editors subtly drop in “Never Again” by Kelly Clarkson.

Is it mean? Hell, yes. Could decent players be screwed over? For sure. But it would be the ultimate incentive to win . . . to keep yourself, your teammates, and those unfortunate to have lost in the Gauntlet to keep suckling on that Challenge teet. I’d be unfair enough to spare anybody that had been on the winning team, up to and including a case like CT getting kicked off Inferno III for hitting Davis before a single game was played. You lose, you’re barred from Challenges and any other BMP show.

Here’s another idea which might be even more horrific: you lose, no Challenges for three years or five seasons, whichever comes first. Let’s say this was in effect during Inferno II. Out of the ten members of the losing Bad Ass team, only three have not come back to the Challenge (Dan, Karamo and Rachel), and a fourth (Veronica) only came back for Road Rules: Viewers’ Revenge. Imagine the fates of the other six: Abram, Beth, CT, Derrick, Tina and Tonya. Out of that group, only Abram has appeared in just one more Challenge (Inferno III). Tonya would’ve had to find a new way to pay off debts, which I believe was her reason for coming back every few seasons. Speaking of Tonya, she wouldn’t have done Fresh Meat, and neither would Derrick and Tina, meaning Johnny (remember him? Not the “Bananas” guy), Diem and Kenny would’ve had different partners, and maybe Diem could’ve found somebody else to get cuddly with for a longer time so she never hooks up with CT, and Kenny gets somebody as a partner who wouldn’t enable his constant need to be funny on camera. And while the ten exiled players would’ve been trapped in their own private Phantom Zone, mental midgets from The Real World, Fresh Meat and Viewers’ Revenge would be recruited to fill the void, and those excluded would be praying that there would be a place for their drama when they’d come back. Otherwise, it’s actual 9-to-5 jobs for them. I’m thinking guys like CT and Danny would resort to armed robbery if they had my 7-to-3 schedule.

So that’s my plan. If you have an opinion, like I’m missing something obvious, let me know. I’m also contemplating mailing out this essay to actual Challengers for their feedback. That would mean they’d wind up with my address, and the idea of people like Beth and Evelyn having a way to contact me upsets my stomach. The bottom line is that I don’t want to feel like an idiot for watching this crap every week. Is that too much to ask?

Gauntlet 3: Walking Away

2008-03-08T03:18:00.000-05:00

On the Television Without Pity forums, there’s a thread where posters put up motivational posters based on various shows. One running topic compares programs to drugs. After this past Wednesday, I ha an apt parallel for Real World/Road Rules Challenge: PCP. All I know is I usually wind up extremely mad, bordering on foaming at the mouth, ready to tear people in half with my bare hands.

In my rage over Gauntlet 3, which has eclipsed Battle Of The Sexes 2 as the worst season ever – no small feat with me getting fired from a recapping gig in part to increasingly negative reviews, as well as Eric Fucking Nies – I was left to examine the legacy of one Coral Smith, who looked at her team members trying to screw her over, saw a nasty bitch itching to destroy her, and said “fuck this shit” and left. Coral went into Gauntlet 3 having won only one Challenge, but she had never been eliminated from the game except when injured. She would scheme and scam, but she’d never try to run anybody over with the malicious intent as this season’s Axis Of Ass. In The Inferno, when the Real World team sought to throw a mission to shove Leah into the Inferno, Coral tried to play the mission honestly. Nine times out of ten, the subjects of barbs as jagged as her name had it coming. But when she walked away, she hurt her legacy. I am happy to note that when I logged off about 30 minutes after the episode aired, there had been only two posts negative towards Coral. The rest that I read before going to bed either praised her, ripped the Veterans, and/or declared that they were done watching the show. Since then, there has been more haters taking shots at Coral, but there’s little proof of a backlash against her,

It’s one thing for me to be an apologist for Coral, but less than twelve hours later, as I originally wrote this essay at work, I still had not changed my mind, and I don’t think I will. Yes, I did come down hard on Beth when she quit in Gauntlet 2, but I see differences between the two incidents. Beth was unquestionably the worst player on the Veterans team, but she had a captain’s position thanks to two lucky spins of the Gauntlet wheel. Beth also has rarely shown the capacity for caring the way Coral has in the past, like when she comforted Sarah following the Gauntlet Queen’s heartbreaking win over good friend (and onetime roommate of Coral) Rachel, or riding in an ambulance with Leah after a massive freak-out. Beth was a nasty shit-stirring bitch, and when she fled a Gauntlet date with Aneesa, tailed tucked between her legs, I was livid. I had to listen to Beth badmouthing people left and right, I had to watch her blow mission after mission for her teammates, and she denied me a potential bloodbath. That’s why Coral’s victory over her two weeks prior was so important for me . . . there were no disqualifications, no walking away. Good stared down evil and won.

As for Coral, she had enough. She had spoken to Evan, trying to come to grips with the prospect that he had helped throw missions. They had been partners during Fresh Meat, and they had gotten along while crushing the competition (winning the first three missions and five out of the first seven) before they both bowed out due to injuries. She found herself walking down the same round as in The Gauntlet, when Mike cast the deciding vote to send her to the Gauntlet, and she cried about how he was her homie. The difference? Even though Mike acted like a butthead throughout his times on the Challenges, even though he aspired to become a professional wrestler and get employed by scumbag supreme Vince McMahon, Mike wasn’t a total asshole. On the other hand, Evan went from being a somewhat funny guy into being one of those idiots who has to say stuff, not to mention get into a relationship with Kenny that’s more than likely sexual. Fuck it, I can speculate all I want on those two. When Coral had declared to win at all costs in the Challenges – up to and including eating babies – but she wanted to balance friendship in the process. Once again, she never schemed to underperform to hurt somebody else, even though her team had more than enough male muscle to spare. So with her back against the wall, blindfold over her eyes and a cigarette pressed between her lips, Coral elected to walk away. When Beth pulled that four seasons ago, her team celebrated. When Coral left, the Veterans still had to pick somebody to face Evelyn.

(This seems about as good a time as any to acknowledge the Challenge Rules Committee, or whomever makes up how the show works. Gone are the days where Bunim-Murray Productions could at least pretend to make things fair. You have a sizable advantage over your opponents? Fuck you, here’s a mission where combined times are measured, as opposed to averaged out. Tyrie has to leave the game to tend to his ailing girlfriend? Not only do the Rookies get a replacement in MJ, he’s enough of an upgrade to make a difference on paper. And if Coral walks off in a huff? Fuck it . . . Evelyn needs to tear into somebody, so no default win for her like Aneesa had with Beth. Honestly, I’d love to run the competition portion of this show. Let 'em fight, screw and drink, but at least I’d make things fair and interesting.)

I’ve seen indecision before in deliberations, most notably the Great James/Shane Debate from Battle of the Sexes. But I’ve never seen people look as if though they had forgotten how to wipe their own asses . . . and with Neanderthals like CT and Danny, that was a distinct possibility The only thing missing was a shot of Coral watching a live feed on the bus ride to the airport, cackling at her team’s indecision. Eventually, Casey stepped up to be the sacrificial lamb, and nearly everybody made a huge deal about how good a teammate she was. I understood Casey’s rant against Coral . . . but when she bitched about how Coral had been screwing teammates for about eighteen years (which she did, like, once) and how she should get a job, I hit the ceiling. While Coral took two Challenges off after Fresh Meat, Casey rushed to do The Duel. When was the last time Casey updated her resume? And where did she get the money for her breast enhancements? Working a 9-to-5 job, or using the $5,000 she won on Fresh Meat? Casey should shut the fuck up, like, forever.

So the Axis of Ass is still in effect, and they might use the final female Gauntlet to screw Katie, who is the biggest victim of Coral’s departure. I would not have blamed her had she grabbed onto Coral’s legs and refused to let go. With Casey gone, Katie is now the de facto weakest Veteran, and the Rookies can’t save her again like they did in the latest episode. Here’s the thing about Katie: Yes, she’s weak, but she’s also a human being. After witnessing her team repeatedly throw her under the bus in Inferno, including Abram openly humiliating her while throwing a mission, I feel for her. I’d be honest to her about sending her off to an endgame, but I wouldn’t actually attempt to lose in order to make it happen. The only bright side is that Katie might reach critical meltdown like she did with Veronica, but that probably won’t happen.

While I’m thinking about it, here’s more stuff I’d like to happen, even though I know it’s a waste: Evan & Kenny come out as a couple; Frank succeeds in baiting CT to punch him, sending the Masshole home; Adam responds to CT pouring beer on him by kicking the Masshole in the cannoli; Jillian gets beat in the Gauntlet, killing any comparisons anybody would make between her and Sarah; and Frank and Nehemiah injure each other in the Gauntlet, taking them both out of the game.

Things that more than likely with happen: Veteran males scheme to “trim the fat” yet again; Kenny and/or CT will “quip” about how they can’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die; Brad gets defeated in the Gauntlet, making him 0-for-5 in Challenges; Diem staying with CT, making it obvious that whatever cancer she had in her ovaries has traveled to her brain and affected judgment of boyfriends (totally nonfatal . . . I’m not hoping for anybody to croak just yet); the Veterans win the Challenge, even though most of the team doesn’t deserve a single cent of prize money; and nobody – and I mean NOBODY – gets booed at the reunion or completely called on their callous actions.

There is one ending that I could live with. In teasers pimping the season, we saw Eric on the ground, obviously out of breath, in serious peril. While I don’t hate the one they call “Big Easy,” how funny would it be if he costs the Veterans their all-but-guaranteed win in the final mission? I’m ashamed to admit that the thought didn’t occur to me until I read somebody suggesting it on the forums. Really, all this talk of “trim of fat,” and nobody even considers Eric’s overt obesity as a problem? Really?!?

Two weeks ago, I said that the prospects of comeuppance and schadenfreude were good enough to keep watching Gauntlet 3. Apparently, I was wrong. Now I just want to see this crap through to the bitter end, because I’m masochistic enough to do it. And this makes Coral a more stable person than me, because when she saw nothing but assholes, bitches and scrubs in front of her, she walked away. If only I could do the same.

Surviving Fans And Favorites

2008-02-29T23:27:00.001-05:00

I should be putting my full effort into writing a book review or two. Instead, here’s an essay on the opening episodes of Survivor: Micronesia – Fans Vs. Favorites I wrote out while at work this morning. You’re welcome.

Four episodes into Survivor: Micronesia – Fans Vs. Favorites, I can say that it’s a slight improvement over the previous season (China). Even though players from both tribes (Malakal for the “favorites,” “Airai” for the “fans”) have shown a lack of brainpower, and there’s little to suggest that this edition won’t be a colossal fuck-up like any other “all-star” season on CBS, at least there’s some game-playing going on, misguided as it may be.

In last week’s episode, Malakal suffered a loss at the immunity challenge, and somebody had to go. At this point, there were two factions: a loose-knit coalition between couples Pavarti & James and Amanda & Ozzy, and the foursome of Jonathan, Yau-Man, Eliza and Ami (the latter two having zero business posing as “all-stars,” but that’s a gripe for another day). In the middle: Cirie, the couch potato-turned-power player from Exile Island two years ago. She got wooed by both sides for her votes. She talked with Amanda and Pavarti, and soon there was a move on her part to boot Yau-Man.

Let’s pause the action to reflect on this. Yes, Yau-Man is dangerous. He’s not at all big, but he’s wilier than any cartoon coyote you’re likely to meet. He managed to last 38 days on Fiji and came within one bad deal from winning the $1 million prize. But at this point in the game (nine days), wouldn’t you need somebody like that on your camp, winning challenges and making camp life bearable? To me, Cirie was thinking too far ahead. She dreaded the idea of Yau-Man going to Exile Island and retrieving the sole hidden immunity idol, a feat he pulled off in his first season. Here’s the problem: he would either have to be picked to go by Airai when they won a reward challenge, or selected by his tribe If they won. In my head, both were scenarios nobody would explore if they were smart.

So what happened? Jonathan took Cirie’s wavering as an insult, they had a verbal battle, and Yau-Man got five votes out of nine to get sent packing. One genuine fan favorite was gone, and the other two had a backlash against them over on the forums at Television Without Pity. Like I had posted there on that night, it was like a holiday dinner at your house where your favorite aunt and uncle from separate marriages yelled at each other, and the beloved granduncle keeled over into the mashed potatoes. And it didn’t help matters to see Eliza sick in the following episode, and a few tribe members realizing they got swept up in Cirie’s zeal. It was a hangover without alcohol (“We did WHAT to Yau-Man last night? Really?!?”) But at least Cirie was trying to play the game; if she had been passive in Exile Island, she would’ve been the first person off, and she’d be rooted to the couch today, watching this season with the rest of us.

Moving on to the latest episode, we had Malakal winning the reward challenge. For the third time, they sent Kathy to Exile Island. This was a smart move, since there was less of a chance a weak-looking player such as her would find the idol. And if they knew she was on the outs along with Chet and Tracy, she could be handed the idol and be sent back to make things go awry at Airai (I’m prouder of that phrase than I really should be). But the rub was that somebody from Malakal had to join Kathy . . . and this time, it was Ozzy.

Pause. As I write this at work, where I’m wide awake and haven’t done jack this morning aside from handing in my timesheet, I remember reading in the episode thread at TWoP where somebody had found out that Malakal had a system where there was an order as to who would go to Exile Island. The only way this is a good idea is if the person who retrieves the idol tells everybody else in the tribe about it, with the understanding that it would be played if the wielder was threatened. In exchange, the idol would be easy to track after the obligatory tribal shakeup, and it would be used as a weapon to take out any perceived power player from Airai. Hey, it makes sense in my head. Then again, I’m not actually there, and I can play “armchair survivor,” trying to figure out strategies in a week while the actual players would speculate over a few hours. So I understand why taking turns going to Exile Island might be a good idea.

However, this is a flaw in the system, and its called “Ozzy.” This guy is half-man, half-fish, all-amazing. If there is water involved in a challenge, Ozzy will rock it. In the reward challenge, Ozzy had the presence of mind (or instructions from his comrades) to stay underwater and move coconuts closer to the edge of the cage in order to make it easier for his teammates to retrieve them. Bottom line: Malakal had voted off the biggest threat to find the idol . . . and they sent the biggest threat to find the idol.

Back to the action: Kathy didn’t feel up for an idol hunt, perhaps still worn out after she and Cirie slogged through the water two episodes ago. At worst, she feels singled out by Malakal and only two people like her at Airai. At best, it’s like she’s at a Survivor fantasy camp, and she’s paid five grand extra to receive private sessions from former cast members. On more trip to Exile Island might bring her a romantic package with James . . . emphasis on “package.” Ozzy said he wanted to look for food, and she bought it. He read the clue. Swim, swim, swim, clue. Swim, swim, swim, clue. Swim, swim, swim, clue. Swim, swim, swim, idol. Now one of the strongest players in the game had even more power. I’m not saying Ozzy cliched a total victory, especially after dumbass James got voted off last season while carrying two idols last season. But Ozzy does seem to have a few more brain cells than the gravedigger. And in a salute to Yau-Man’s discovery of an idol two seasons ago, Ozzy crafted a dummy idol and put it in the hiding place. It would have been every better had Ozzy went into a giggling fit and flicked his tongue like Yau-Man, but you can’t have everything. It’s hard not to like Ozzy right now, even if he does have Jeff Probst hanging off his jock.

Fast forward: Airai has lost the immunity challenge – their fourth defeat in the last six challenges – and somebody had to be sent off. All common sense pointed out Chet as the obvious choice. He had been following Janu’s path from Palau with the lack of effort in challenges and camp, and the accelerated disintegration of the body. His only allies: Kathy and Tracy. Chief amongst the majority was Joel, a very large and tattooed firefighter who looks like he lives on a diet of puppies and orphans. Two episodes prior, he got it into his head that Mary and Mikey B. were a power couple, and he got Mary voted off, passing up a chance to oust Chet. He still had it in for Mikey B., even though the guy’s greatest sin was making people call him “Mikey B.” Reality fans with a masochistic streak already put up with a “Mikey B.” of sorts (Mike Malin, a.k.a. “Mike Boogie” from Big Brother), so why watch another? Getting back to the point: again, Chet seemed to be the correct choice to boot. Of course, we had somebody say that Chet was going home in the episode’s first act, so the seed of doubt was already planted in my mind.

Enter Tracy. Right now, I can’t tell her from Alexis and the other woman whose name I can’t be bothered to remember. In retrospect, you can understand her fear of a vote against Chet; if he got voted off and Kathy – a potential loose cannon – had retrieved and kept the idol, she’d be the next to go. So she came up to Joel and played on his loathing of Mikey B. The obvious move was to keep the tribe strong, especially when there was no obvious timetable for a merge or shakeup. But Joel listened to Tracy, nodded his head . . . and managed to talk a few allies into voting for Mikey B., who went out 6-3 and didn’t even think to punch Joel in the mouth for the change of plan. Also, Airai had Chet for seemingly the next few days, a loose wheel ready to pop off the axel in challenges. You can understand why Jason voted for Chet, looked into the camera and said, “Please leave the island.” But Chet is still in the game thanks to Tracy . . . and I’ve decided to think of Joel as “Mongo” from here on out, because he would so fall for an exploding candygram. Also, I wouldn’t put it past him to punch a horse.

Whatever beefs anybody has with no obvious weak links getting voted off so far have been rendered moot by the teaser for next week’s episode, where Jeff orders everybody to drop their buffs for a tribal shakeup. Now Cirie and Tracy will be seen as smart for getting rid of potential power players that could have gone against them. And maybe things will pick up for a franchise still reeling from the strategic vacuum that was China. At the very least, whomever wins this season will look like a saint compared to the winner from Big Brother 9. And no contestant has insulted the mentally handicapped . . . but the season is still young.

Axis Of Ass: Then & Now

2008-02-23T19:19:00.001-05:00

In 2003, I was recapping Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet, and I was furious. I had made the mistake of staying emotionally attached to Sarah Grayson, and I took exception anytime her teammates sent her into the Gauntlet. I had followed her since Road Rules: Campus Crawl. I had occasionally written to her, especially after she posted on the RR thread at Television Without Pity. I even met her at a reality event at Calico Jack’s in Manhattan, even as I was suffering through a nasty cold. It was a good night . . . I got to meet some of the saner stars of the Challenge, and I witnessed Antoine dancing on the bar before getting pulled down by management. Good times.

Anyway, whenever Sarah got sent into the Gauntlet, I got pissed. Eventually, I came up with a term to group the jerks together: the Axis of Ass. There were three members: Adam, the douchy ADD case with the stupid beard; Rachel, the butterface lesbian, who should go down as the single most overrated Challenger ever; and Veronica, a bitch whose bitchy actions before and after Gauntlet are still talked about. There was also Darrell (a cast member on Sarah’s season who had wanted her gone from the start), Laterrian (who had knocked her out a rolling log and refused to take responsibility for it in order to avoid the Gauntlet), and Abram (more on him later), but the Adam/Rachel/Veronica troika was the main Axis. In the end, they stayed on the winning Road Rules team and got their shares of the $150,000 prize. Happily, none of them has won a Challenge since, and Sarah managed to go out with her money, as well as her dignity intact.

I would feel the need to invoke “Axis of Ass” several times in my recaps and on the TWoP forums. The Inferno gave us a Road Rules team hellbent on eliminating weak link Katie, but four teammates took center stage. Veronica was in on it, of course. Holly and Christena emerged as stealth bitches whom I had once liked. Finally, there was Abram, the knuckle-dragging Bozo from Bozeman, whose throwing of a mission was one of the most sickening acts I had ever witness. Down the line, there came other Axes: elder assholes Mark and Eric in Battle Of The Sexes 2, the “Mean Girls” trio of Veronica, Rachel and Tina (a discount version of Coral) in Inferno II, and Beth, Wes and Nehemiah in The Duel (I had posted that Aneesa belonged with them, but I think it was more about buddying up with members of The Real World: Austin – one of the suckiest seasons ever – and not wanting a piece of Beth after she bailed out of a Gauntlet date two seasons prior).

As the Challengers devolved into a cesspool of media whores, where sanity and manners were increasingly out of fashion, I didn’t feel a need to lump two or more people together. But now, I do. Out of the darkness of Gauntlet 3 rides four supreme dicks. Two of them have telltale Boston accents, and you have to take delight that they were probably crying in their beer when the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Two of them are products of the Fresh Meat season, and neither one of them are as funny as they think. You can tell them from the others by their repeated interview loop: “Trim the fat, trim the fat, lose the girls and trim the fat.” They are the all-new Axis of Ass, and in the latest episode, they came dangerously close to getting rid of a Challenge legend and keeping somebody who’s about as malignant as they are. Let’s meet them, shall we?

Evan Starkman

Basically, Evan is the Canadian version of Challenge veteran Theo Vonkurnatowski, in the “I used to love you, but now I have to kill you” sense. He came off well enough during Fresh Meat, and he and his partner Coral tore through their share of missions. But he wound up with a hernia, and he and Coral ended up getting sent home early for their injuries. Over time, he’s become less funny, and the latest Challenge has revealed him as an unredeemable jerk. I’m hoping he’ll stay north of the border following this season, but I doubt it.

Kenny Santucci

Unlike Evan, I’ve known Kenny as little more than a punk from the start. He’s always coming off as fake in interviews, always trying to be clever and funny. Basically, he’s a knockoff of Veteran teammate Brad. Before the season started, he had the gall to say that Coral faked her severe allergic reaction to a spider bite at the end of Gauntlet, during the preview special, Physically and Mentally Challenged: 25 Most Unforgettable Challenge Moments. It was bad enough when his ex-Fresh Meat teammate Tina said the same thing, but Kenny wasn’t anywhere near Telluride when that went down.

Danny Jamieson

If not for RW: Las Vegas, Danny would have had a huge part in the worst season ever. I mean, when you act like such a dick that you erase any sympathy people might have when you got your face smashed into pavement, that is bad. Danny is another gung-ho alpha dog who insists that the women on his team are a huge weak link. Of course, if the Rookies had the same philosophy and tried to eliminate his fiancé Melinda, he’d have a huge fit.

Chris “CT” Tamburello

If you look up “Masshole” in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of CT in a sleeveless and stained t-shirt, a cigarette in his mouth, a can of beer in his hand, and a Patriot or Red Sox cap cocked at an angle on his head. This evolutionary throwback has taken to the “trim the fat” philosophy like fair-weather Bostonians jumping on the Celtics bandwagon. Interestingly enough, the Assembly Required mission wasn’t the only time CT helped throw a mission. Back in Inferno, he played a huge part in getting his close buddy David win the Aztec Lifeshield in order to escape a date in the Inferno and put Leah (CT’s ex-roommate in Paris) in his place. In retrospect, David was just as much dead weight on the Real World team as Katie was to Road Rules, and it was fitting that she defeated him in the final Inferno, as badly designed as it was. There was also the time CT tried to pick a fight with Dan (Inferno II), the time he lost to Brad on a disqualification in the final Duel and proceeded to lose all of his shit, and the time he got kicked off Inferno III for punching Davis. Following that, CT’s replacement for the Bad Ass team – Derrick – went on to win his first Challenge in six attempts. I honestly think CT doesn’t believe in karma; otherwise, he’d try not to be such a big-haired prick all of the time.

The fact that the Axis of Ass (along with any other collaborators) got away with throwing a mission is galling. But that lead to a chain of events that along eliminated Coral. For some viewers, Coral is a heinous bitch whose bark is far worse than her bite. To me, she’s an entertaining bitch who gives great interviews, whose ability to avoid elimination is almost magical, and who snipes on those who truly deserve it. This is somebody I want to see from start to finish. I will admit that she did get too prissy when the Rookies revealed that it came down to a coin flip between her and Evelyn (shades of Brad getting drawn to battle Abram in the Inferno) to go into the Gauntlet. Her anger raged even more when the Veterans team went against her wishes and picked Beth to face her. I do understand the team’s need to banish Beth, since she’s usually a drag on team morale wherever she goes. But Coral had a point about the possibility of giving up 50 pounds to Beth. And when the spinner landed on Ball Brawl, I got worried . . . scared, even. I’ve seen Beth overpower Ruthie (who gave up a lot more than 50 pounds) and Montana (who doesn’t make the Challenge her life) in Reverse Tug-Of-War. I’ve seen Beth win a wrestling-based mission in Duel (defeating Diem, Jodi and Robin), and coming close to taking out Svetlana in Push Me. A win from Beth meant that she’d be gunning for the Axis afterwards. It would have been like watching a knife fight between Hitler and Hussein. Who would you root for?

Happily, Coral overcame Beth’s weight advantage to win Ball Brawl. There’s a one-in-three chance Beth will claim to have thrown the Gauntlet, but I don’t care. In a clash of the Challenge titans, good prevailed over evil. However, this was a clash that should not have happened in the first place, and I blame the Axis for that.

I will give the Veteran women credit for not returning the favor and intentionally giving up on the following mission, which would have resulted in the elimination of one of their male teammates. A few of them probably knew about the screw job, nobody would have blamed them for throwing the mission. Katie still has the tire scars from where her Road Rules teammates threw her under the bus during Inferno, and I’m amazed she didn’t try to rip CT’s eyes out during their heated exchange preceding Assembly Required. But whether the ladies were too dim, too cautious or tool cool to throw Walk The Plank, the results were a slap in the Axis’s collective face.

The mission was simple: in separate gender-based heats, one team had to walk down a plank over water, while the opposition hurled tethered medicine balls at them. After the Veteran guys staked the team to a lead, the girls could only afford one fall in order to clinch the win. Casey was the only one knocked off, and not only did she have the presence of mind to not take Katie with her on the way down (shades of Laterrian), she kept her legs together hitting the water. That was the way I was taught to jump off a ship prior to taking a cruise years ago. For somebody whose fear of falling kept her from missions in her first few Challenges, Casey has managed to evolve nicely . . . something no member of the Axis can claim. Speaking of which, Evan and Danny had gotten knocked off, and Kenny drew a disqualification for grabbing a tether.

The ensuing Gauntlet could not have worked any better for the Veterans. After the team picked Derek (a perceived “big gun”), the Rookie chose Ryan, figuring that the stronger Derek would win any contest. But the spinner came up on Sliders, and with verbal help from the Veterans, Ryan pulled off the upset. This left the Rookies with only three men along with Ryan: MJ (a gift from the producers after Tyrie left to be with his ailing girlfriend), Frank (living on borrowed time by flapping his yap over girlfriend Jillian going to the Gauntlet three times), and Nehemiah (got cuddly with Beth during Duel, so you know he’s got mental problems). In contrast, the Veteran guys are seven strong, and the Axis can send in outsiders such as Adam (knocked out in two previous Challenges), Eric (the overweight “Big Easy” who is seen getting medical attention in trailers for the season), and Brad (who has taken over Derrick’s mantle as the hard luck Challenger) into the Gauntlet. And for this, the guys have the girls to thank for the advantage . . . not that the Axis will be quick to do that.

Why should anybody continue to watch this Challenge? Because I firmly believe that at least two members of the Axis will get thrown into the Gauntlet, and maybe they’ll be pitted against each other. I believe that karma will punish as many of the Axis members as possible, even if it’s not as overt as losses in the Gauntlet. Maybe Danny and CT would have to say goodbye to their girlfriends (Melinda and Diem, respectively). Maybe Evan will lose Kenny or vice versa. And while scrubs like Casey and Katie might be sacrificed for a supposed “greater good,” those who whine about “trimming the fat” and “no more free rides for the girls” will be equally at risk to get stomped. Comeuppance and schadenfreude . . . that’s what keeps me going. I hope it’s good enough for you.

Thoughts From A Blah Friday

2008-01-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

Thoughts On A Blah Friday

Note: The following was written this past Friday at work. Edits were made accordingly.

As I start this entry, it’s 7:50 a.m. I’m nowhere near a computer and I won’t be able to get online until about 4. That’s because I have a job. It’s been about six weeks since I’ve started this temp assignment and I’m a little surprised that I’ve lasted this long. I don’t have the gig, but I have to get here before 7, meaning I’m expected to get up around 5 . . . something unthinkable for me as recently as late November. Here’s a rough breakdown of a typical day:

7 a.m.: Arrive, get settled in,

7:15-12:30 p.m.: Arrange medical charts, fetch them for others, help out by running errands. Bigger priority: not falling asleep. Honestly, there are times where I have nothing to do, and I’ve barely improved on my nighttime sleeping habits. So I have to try and not drift off into sweet slumber. This is done by going outside in the cold (in contrast to my work area, which has gotten as warm as 80 degrees), drinking water, snacking, reading magazines and newspapers (my supervisor frowns on this, so I have to be sneaky about it), working on puzzles (usually copying the day’s Jumble onto an index card and trying not to get too stressed when I get stumped), working on potential blog entries, and talking to co-workers. I’ve connected with the others, though I could have done without suffering a serious allergic reaction in front of them.

12:30-1:30: Lunch hour. I always go out at this time. I get some fresh air, get the Village Voice (Wednesdays), The Onion (Thursdays) and drop off my check at the one bank (Fridays). Some days I bring lunch, other times I buy it.

1:30-2:55: More working, albeit at a more relaxed pace, since things have died down.

2:55-3:00: Mad dash to catch the ferry back home. Usually, I get to the terminal in time. I hate running, especially since it involves quick sprints following and walking and trying to cope with the burning in my legs, but I don’t want to wait another thirty minutes for the next ferry.

While I am making friends and developing some semblance of a work ethic, I can’t see myself staying at that place for keeps. A lot of it centers around the early hours, but it all comes down to me wanting to write. I still have a magazine that I freelance for, and if it really takes off, I could go there on a regular basis, hopefully getting up in the morning when there’s light out. That’s just the way I feel.

Onto two quick topics so I don’t doze off again (yep, I’m still weak):

The Amazing Rebound

When was the last time we went into the finale of The Amazing Race certain we’d be smiling at the end? After the utter crap that was All-Stars, we needed a comeback season, an edition that wouldn’t be the best but far from the worst. We started with donkeys, and we’re ending with no jackasses running for $1 million. Okay, there is Ronald Hsu, but at least he tried to be a better teammate for daughter Christina after he ripped into her a few times. It’s not like he constantly yells at her like Mirna did to Charla last season. He’s just another member of the Nice Person/Bad Racer Club (president: Flo Pessenti).

The Hsus’ wins in three legs puts them in position to become the first team bonded by blood – other than the Linzes from Family Edition to win the race, if not merely topping the current standard set by the Mycoskie siblings (TAR2) and the Duphiney brothers (TAR3). Another family team making it to the finale has proven to big a bigger shock: youngster Nicholas Fulks and his grandfather, Donald Jerousek. There hasn't been an age difference this great in the show's history, but these two have lucked their way towards the finish line. They've emerged as the cuddliest team remaining . . . mostly because of the 68-year-old Donald, who got muddy performing a pole-vaulting Roadblock in Ransdorp (The Natherlands), and had trouble playing robot soccer in Osaka. In addition to the memories, the duo will also be walking around with tattoos, which they received in Italy in order to receive a Fast Forward.

The logical favorites to win are TK Erwin & Rachel Rosales, another in a long line of dating couples. I haven't had much insight into these two, save that they are very laid back. They're like hippies, but not the dreadful "hippies" from three seasons ago. They have argued, but - and this is rare by reality television standards - they actually work through it as adults should. That alone makes them unique . . . which is ironic for me, considering that "TK" is a mark writers make when they don't have the information they need as they're writing. Just me? Okay, then.

The real miracle came in last week's episode, where Jennifer & Nathan got eliminated. They were the bickering couple, with the hook being that Nathan had cheated on Jennifer(or was it the other way around?), and they were now going to make things work, audience members' eyes and ears be damned. If you don't watch the show, then you don't understand; having a team like that in the final leg of the race is almost always a given. These two fought each other through most of their stay, and it was hard to watch. They were competitive enough, but they never won an individual leg. That was awesome, especially after Jennifer bitched about how everybody should get a chance to win after she and Nathan came in second right behind Azaria & Hendekea in Burkina Faso. At one point, they came out of a Detour in the lead in Croatia, but a cab driver wouldn't take them to the Pit Stop because Jennifer was wet. Meanwhile, a less discriminating cabbie took Ronald & Christina to another leg win. It was a great running gag while it lasted. The end came in Taiwan, when a squabble over getting to Youth Park in Taipei, Taiwan cost them the game . . . and on Jennifer's birthday to boot. When they arrived at the Pit Stop, I'm sure I wasn't the only one singing "Happy Birthday" at the TV screen.

Bottom line: Sunday, 8 p.m., one hour, happy ending. I'll be doing the usual thing: going to Stitch in Midtown for TARCon, followed by DimSumCon the next day. The best part is that the get-together at Jing Fong falls on national holiday, so I don't have to sweat losing a day's pay. For The Amazing Race, things have been great. Here's hoping they get even better.

A Token Gesture

Last month, I visited the recap site I used to write for. You know, the one where I spent my last few months getting flayed for my opinions before getting cut loose. Anyway, the head honcho was crowing about how Entertainment Weekly recognized the site as one of the best online, especially for their interviews with reality contestants.

First of all, the way interviews were handled wasn't too special when I was there. On the night where a contestant was eliminated, us writers would be asked for questions on the site's Yahoo groups forum. It wasn't that complicated. Secondly, I think most of the bigger reality sites get interviews, so it's not that big a deal. We're talking e-mailing questions to producers. The funny thing is that the site was second on "Must Click Television" sites list. The first entry? Television Without Pity. That just seems right to me.

Another thing I wanted to mention about the site is that they'll probably be doing their annual "25 Most Memorable People In Reality" list, or whatever it's called. Want to know who will be at the top? Dick & Daniele Donato from Big Brother 8. How do I know? For one thing, they've put participants from reality's foulest backwater on top in their first two editions: the "Friendship" alliances from Big Brother 6 (I have zero clue), and Mike Malin and Will Kirby from All-Stars (over Cirie Fields from Survivor: Exile Island and Yul Kwon of Survivor: Cook Islands). The fact that Alison Grodner, the show's executive producer, has been subject to speculation of rigging events to ensure a daddy/daughter finale will barely be noticed by the site. They just love to toss Big Brother salad. Besides, they lost all credibility with me two years ago, when they failed to place Tom Westman on the list. All Tom did was lead the Koror tribe to victory after victory on Survivor: Palau, snare a shark by himself, win all but two individual immunity challenges, not recieve a single vote the two times he was vunerable, and win the final vote 6-1. You know which Palau cast member did make the 25? Wanda Shirk, who spent a day and a half before getting pushed off after a "pick 'em" game to form the two tribes. Also getting the boot was Jonathan Libby, but he didn't make the list because he never sought attention by making up annoying songs on the spot. So if you get sucked into the countdown and find yourself pulling for Yau Man Chan or Jordin Sparks, don't say I didn't warn you.

It's about 2:50 p.m. now. I figure next time, I'll go into the TAR finale and aftermath, the unlikely resurrection of The Mole, and/or a review of a book written by Bill McDaniel, the Mole from the second season. In the meantime: stay warm, stay safe, and stay awake.

The All-New Atom In 30 Seconds

2008-01-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not much of an artist. Let's not mince words . . . I donwright suck. But when Chris Sims of Chris's Invinicible Super-Blog set up a recap contest for his site's third anniversary, I answered the call. The following is a highlight sequence from 2007 for one of my favorite comic books, The All-New Atom. It's supposed to be a 30-second recap, but I just had to put more of my crap MS Paint skills into it. If I had more time and a higher ceiling, I would've thrown in stuff like Dean Maryland and his circus peanuts or Atom spilling his guts while hanging on Wonder Woman's girdle. In the end, I'm happy with the finished product, and I hope you are as well. Oh, and click on each pic to see it full-sized.

Surviving Survivor

2007-12-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

I got a job as a temp. I end up waking up around 5 a.m. and I start the workday at 7. For me, it's a battle to try and stay awake. I wrote most of the following on Friday, and I figured that it would be a waste not to share, especially with the season finale of Survivor: China minutes away.

As the fifteenth season of Survivor stumbles and stutters to its climax, I take solace that in the wake of the Mitchell Report, things could be a lot worse. After all, steroids aren’t a factor on competitive reality programs. Then again, there was that one time during Inferno II where Landon’s neck veins were bulging out in a suspicious manner. And Mike was always a wannabe wrestler, and we all know most grapples can be all about the needles. Well, that and the mysterious deaths, but that’s another entry.

Not that Survivor: China couldn’t use the excitement. Sadly, the fall seasons pale in comparison to the editions following them, with the exceptions being Pearl Islands (introduction of Rupert Boneham, the most overrated player ever; Jon Dalton and his attention-grubbing ways; wussy boy Osten Taylor, who ended up quitting the game, the return of Burton Roberts and Lillian Morris after their torches were snuffed, and the latter’s thorough spanking of Dalton in the final immunity challenge) and Cook Islands (Yul Kwon’s brains, Ozzy Lusth’s athleticism, Jonathan Penner whacking Jeff Probst’s ego like a pinata, the outnumbered Aitu tribe that overcame a 6-4 disadvantage to make it to Day 38). With a second “all-star” edition set to air in a few months, it feels like we’ve been running out the clock, as we speculate on which players would make the cut, waiting in anticipation to see the “best” or “most worthy” battle it out . . . and how bad things will be, especially after the horror that was Survivor: All-Stars in 2004. I’m still surprised that Susan Hawk didn’t luge for Richard Hatch’s neck at the reunion; the only thing between those two was Rob Cesternino, and I bet even an 80-pound girl like Courtney could plow through him, to say nothing of a truck-drivin’ bruiser like Sue.

So what happened this season? Well, the casting skewed young, and that resulted in me being unable to tell most of the people apart . . . and it didn’t help that the more recognizable personalities got booted early, like old farmer Chicken, WWE “Diva” Ashley, Dave the total Section 8 case. There wasn’t really one bandwagon that fans could board at any time. For instance, James was a very buff dude who cracked wise a lot, but he tended to act like an asshole around the others, and he wasn’t that big of a threat in individual contests. Todd became the latest Mormon to shame his religion on reality television, as he took great pains to portray himself as a poor man’s Richard Hatch. While Todd claimed Hatch’s gameplay and sexuality as his own, poker player Jean-Robert grabbed the rest: ego, hairline, facial hair, and gut. Amanda? I never got a grip of who she was. I didn’t think she rode Todd’s coattails so much as she trailed a half-step behind him, waiting to use him as a shield at a moment’s notice. As for other players such as Frosti, Erik, Peih-Gee, Courtney and Denise, I never sensed that they would end up winning, since the editing skewed towards Amanda and Todd.

There were some memorable moments, like Todd essentially giving both hidden immunity idols to James, and then having the gall to wine on-camera about how James should have offered to give one back. Then Jaime grabbed a plaque that she figured could be an idol, and she attempted to play it during Tribal Council. The result: Jeff declared it not to be an idol, and tossed it into the fire, giving the assembled contestants a good laugh. Contrary to what a certain recapper griped about, I didn’t feel the message was, “Durr, Jaime so stupid!” For one thing, any hidden idol in past seasons came with instructions. For another, Jaime and Peih-Gee threw an immunity challenge in order to vote out Aaron – whom they booted over James, both of them having transferred from Fei Long to Zhan Hu – and I viewed this as sweet comeuppance. Actually, James did try to botch things on his own, pretending to hesitate on eating balut, but Denise gagged on her plate, and James reluctantly finished to help Zhan Hu to a win. Yes, it has been that sort of a season.

Anyway, James ended up getting voted off after failing to utilize either idol, earning everybody else the right to yell “JACKASS!” at him for as long as they can remember his screw-up. I thought it would open up the field, but Denise’s unwillingness to budge from the status quo resulted in Erik’s departure. Honestly, aside from him admitting to Jaime that he was a virgin, are we even going to remember him this time next year? With Peih-Gee’s boot on Thursday, we’re down to three days remaining and four players: Todd, Amanda, Courtney and Denise. I figure that Amanda is the odds-on favorite to win because she’s ticked off the least amount of people. If she gets voted off, Todd stands the best chance of winning. Courtney is a longshot at best. I’d say she’s wasted away to nothing, but that’s how she started the game. At one point, she got cuddly with Frosti, and I was hoping they’d get affectionate enough for him to play her exposed ribs like a xylophone. The worst moment from Courtney came after Todd’s sister came over for a family-reuniting reward challenge, and she revealed that their younger sister had suffered a miscarriage. Courtney wasn’t the only one to speculate on whether the story was true; Jon Dalton and his friend’s lie about a dead grandmother still looms large four years after it happened. But Courtney escalated this in an interview where she openly mocked the idea. I feel that was a unbelievably stupid move on her part. First, I consider Todd to be a different species of jackass than Dalton. Secondly, it’s not wise for somebody who can be knocked back by a stiff breeze to disrespect a story like that, especially with a reunion to be had months later, where the aggrieved party will undoubtedly get front-row seats.

Finally, there’s Denise. Sweet, kind, unable-to-rock-the-boat Denise. In the teaser promo for the finale, each finalit got a nickname. Todd was “The Schemer,” Amanda got “The Chameleon,” and Courtney became “The Longshot.” Denise? She was “The Lunch Lady.” She received minimal exposure through most of the game; all we could see was her mullet, which she’d try to put in a ponytail. In key twists in voting, she was usually left out of the loop. She’s won two reward challenges, but the first was with the help of her husband, and the second was given to her by Courtney, who kept misfiring with a Chinese crossbow and hitting Denise and Todd’s targets. She was a guest of Peih-Gee’s in a reward that took them and Erik to a Shaolin temple, while Denise showed her black belt karate skills to the local kids. However, Denise left Peih-Gee out of her rewards, mostly to keep Peih-Gee weak. Sadly, Peih Gee ended up getting her bitch out, and it wasn’t pretty.

Lately, I’ve been reading forum posts, and I can’t understand the amount of hatred for Denise. Okay, so she’s not strategically-inclined. She could have joined Peih-Gee and Erik to force a tie against the Amanda/Courtney/Todd troika, but she stuck with her tribal alliance. She seems to play not to win, but to finish fourth. Here’s my question: what’s wrong with that? I mean, let’s say either she wins immunity on Day 38 or Amanda does not, and the others turn on Amanda. Even with a jury full of embittered assholes and bitches (and Frosti, who doesn’t fit either description) who would hate the idea of somebody who “coasted” to the finale, would you tell me that Todd or Courtney would fare any better? Besides, there’s no way a Denise win should be considered to be worse than Jenna Morasca winning The Amazon. Also worse: Amber Brkich winning All-Stars, especially when she functioned mainly as Jerri Manthey’s sidekick during The Australian Outback and wasn’t really a star, let alone an all-star. Amber won because Rob Mariano carried her, and Rob advanced as far as he did because most of the other players were morons and stooges.

In the end, Todd will get the final boot, Amanda will win, Courtney and Denise will be lucky to get one vote apiece, and Jeff Probst will do everybody short of fellating James at the reunion. And we can move on with our lives and to what really matters: the rest of The Amazing Race 12.

Those Amazing Donkeys

2007-11-11T03:47:00.000-05:00

This past May, I watched in horror as two jackasses – Eric Sanchez and Danielle Turner – won The Amazing Race All-Stars, completing one of the show’s most ill-conceived, ill-planned, and ill-cast seasons.

This past Sunday, I watched in amusement as donkeys stalled two of the more irritating teams in The Amazing Race 12, eliminating one of them in the process. Suddenly, the rampant pessimism I have for the show has mostly dissipated.

It’s not easy being a TAR fan. Survivor remains the gold standard for CBS; you know there will be two installments airing every season and on Thursday nights. By comparison, TAR gets shuffled around a lot. The last few seasons, it got run on Sunday nights. That doesn’t seem too bad, until the fall rolls around, and NFL games starts going past 7 p.m. Then you’d have to wait for that to end, they endure 60 Minutes before TAR starts up. Hell, it didn’t even make the schedule this season, as it got confined to limbo, waiting for a show to drop dead in order to fill the slot.

On Monday, October 22, CBS mercifully put a bullet into Viva Laughlin and announced that TAR’s twelfth season would air in its place. On Tuesday, the first promo was spotted on YouTube. On Wednesday, the cast was announced. Makes me wonder why Viva was scheduled in the first place, since even the dimmest of bulbs would know that a drama with singing and dancing wasn’t going to fly too far.

As much as I like TAR, I have to say that casting has been crap the last few seasons. Too many alpha male teams, too many female duos that looked too much alike, and so many headaches to be had. Even the all-star season led to second-guessing. For instances, should frat brothers Kevin O’Conner and Drew Feinberg, the heroes of the original edition, have run the race despite Drew being banged-up before he fell down in the first leg? Was it that important to cast the underachieving David & Mary Conley a second time? And as far as mixing and matching Racers, the producers could have done a lot better than Eric & Danielle, particularly since a. Danielle didn’t run well the last time (fourth eliminated with best friend Danni in the ninth season), and b. people in the know noted that Eric wasn’t that into girls in the first place. Put it another way: the biggest casting coup for the show was not bringing in Dick & Daniele Donato. The noxious father/daughter duo had applied for TAR, but wound up on Big Brother 8 instead, claiming to be “estranged.”

Of course, the casting for this season doesn’t look that flawless. For one thing, over half of the cast comes from California. There’s also a lot of dating couples, bringing back memories of the third season. They even had a gay guy/straight girl team in Ari & Staella that resembled the terminally bitchy Aaron & Arianne. If the Race had taken them somewhere warm, I would’ve been ready for Staella to go topless in a cab, screaming, “Girls gone wild!!” just as Arianne did in Mexico.

There are some nicely-baited hooks, though. Nicolas & Donald are the show’s first grandchild/grandparent team. Kate & Pat got the biggest double take from fans since they’re official label is “Married Minsters.” They’re both women, by the way. I can’t stop grinning anytime I think “Lesbian Ministers!” And yet, in the online promo, Kate called the show “a love letter to the planet.” So yes...I’m a fan. One team I’ve hated at first sight, however, are the goths...or should I say, “goths.” After the nightmare that was pseudo-hippie douchebags BJ & Tyler three seasons ago, my threshold for phonies is pretty damn low. When I saw the “goths” in the promo, the guy called the girl “Vixen,” and I figured, “I bet she spells it with a ‘Y’.” I was wrong...she spells it “Vyxsin.” And his name is “Kynt.” And they showed up to the starting line in pink tops with black stripes, like they were caught in an explosion at Hot Topic. And their introductory footage had them frolicking in a cemetery. And they make comments like how they’re “gothic Energizer bunnies” and “Oh my goth!” Either they’re the biggest phonies this show has ever had, or the goth scene in Louisville is unbelievably weak.

Another concern I have is more about the long-term: piss-poor leg planning. Too many sponsor shoutouts and needle-in-haystack tasks are aggravating to watch. So far, we’ve gotten one quirky Roadblock (one Racer rides a bicycle on a high wire almost 200 feet over the North Atlantic while the other sits below, suspended by the bike) and a task where teams have to take peat, load it onto donkeys, and go to the next route marker. Anytime you bring in animals on this show, whether it be gentle orangutans, mine-sniffing rodents or noisy camels, you have the makings of a party.

It was at that time where two donkeys, sent from the heavens, decided to stall. The first halted on Ari & Staella, even as Ari threatened to cut into the beast of burden and eat it. The other slowed down on Jennifer & Nathan, one of the dating teams. Their deal is that he more or less cheated on her, and there’s lots of tension between them. In other words, a Top 3 team, guaranteed. But they couldn’t handle their ass, and team after team whizzed by them and Ari & Staella. In the history of TAR, there’s never been a team that went out first which would have been a problem for viewers in future episodes. We had teams that invoked indifference (Matt & Ana, John & Scott), nice teams that seemed ill-prepared for the long haul (Gina & Sylvia, Debra & Steve, the Black family), and teams whose early departures were a crying shame (Deidre & Hillary, Avi & Joe, Ryan & Chuck, Bilal & Sa’eed, John Vito & Jill), but never an appalling team. And yet, here were two of the stubbornest donkeys around, honking and braying their respective teams into oblivion. I have to say, it was awesome.

Eventually, Jennifer & Nathan managed to get their donkey moving and finish tenth. Ari & Staella, on the other hand (or hoof), got the first elimination. Maybe this is an omen for the remainder of the season. Maybe it’s just pure luck that events shook out the way they did. But as Survivor: China staggers to what will probably be an unsatisfactory conclusion, The Amazing Race has gotten off to a great start. Here's hoping the jackasses that walk on two legs don't screw it up.

TAR Stars: Loathing & More Loathing

2007-05-12T02:01:00.000-04:00

“What if.” That’s the most annoying and haunting question anybody can ask. You wonder if you should have zigged instead of zagged, gone down instead of up. For The Amazing Race: All-Stars, you can’t help but to ask that question over and over.

What if John Vito and Jill had better navigational skills? What if Drew didn’t fall down and go boom? Better yet, since he had gotten injured in a fight where he works as a court officer, what if the producers had the chance to replace him and Kevin with a healthy, popular team?

What if David & Mary weren’t a television exec’s dream come true, two Kentuckians going into the world for the first team. What if Rob & Amber hadn’t had the leg from hell, breaking their lucky streak in Argentina? What if Uchenna & Joyce had played conservatively in leaving Poland, not going for broke when they had a lead? What if Oswald & Danny had elected to make the noodles instead of going for the nostalgia trip with the dragon drum?

Most importantly, what if producers Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri decided not to cast two people who had originally race as parts of separate teams? Well, we probably would have been spared one of the most depressing endings in the history of The Amazing Race.

You can probably imagine the mood at TARCon as Eric & Danielle arrive on the mat for the win. Save for a few wiseasses, I don’t think anybody wanted those two to triumph. Like I said before, I would rather have wanted beauty queens Dustin & Kandice to win, or Charla & Mirna. How upset was I? While venting to my camera, I actually said that I would have wanted Ramber to have won. And I said that with a straight face.

And how did the Stink and the Pink pull off the win? By winning one of the dumbest tasks created since a mere deep dish Chicago pizza stood in the way of Freddy and Kendra’s million bucks. One person from each team would answer four questions on what they thought of other racers, then enter numbers into an electronic safe. Then the other person would look at the questions and try to guess the combination. And Danielle finally does something right for once, as she get the combination before the others could. Next thing I know, Phil’s congratulating Stink & Pink, and butthead Jeremy’s giving his boy Eric love over the phone. I responded the only way I knew how: lots of booing and a middle finger. I don’t care if it was immature. So is Eric.

In the end, Eric & Danielle will go down as one of the luckier teams in the show’s history. They are the first pair to win only one leg en route to total victory. All this with Eric treating Danielle like crap more than half the time. Even worse, in an “Elimination Station” interview on CBS.com, John Vito & Jill were happy with the end result, because Danielle is from Staten Island like them. First of all, I’m from Staten Island (or “The Rock,” as JV calls it), and I sure as hell wasn’t happy. Secondly, if JVJ had faced Eric & Danielle in any event, they probably would have smoked the Stink and the Pink. If you’ve seen Jill on TAR3, you know exactly what I mean. That girl was all but fearless going through four continents. One time, she fell down and didn’t even give herself time to go “boom” before picking herself up and running. Basically, Danielle is the anti-Jill. And John Vito cannot tell me that he would be applauding Eric and not think, “Man, I can take this guy. I really, really could.” To think...of all the Islanders to get on reality shows, the good (JVJ and Drew, Nitro G, Stacy Carmona from Murder In Small Town X) and the bad (Island-born Nathan from Survivor: Cook Islands, Danni from my alumnus Wagner College, the various guidos from both of MTV’s True Life episodes based on the Island)...and Danielle was the first to win? Damn.

Eric & Danielle entered TAR as losers, and they leave as losers with $1 million between them. They have confirmed that they are no longer a couple, which means that Danielle is free to date guidos from Staten Island, and Eric is free to date...guidos from Staten Island. Hey, I’ve heard stuff about his preferences. I did laugh at one forum poster who were torn as to what Eric would buy with his share of the money: two $250,000 hookers, or 250,000 $2 hookers. Mean? Yes. Sick? Probably. But if it helps me through to the start of TAR12, I won’t mind
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That’s all for the venting. Next time, I’ll go over the pomp and circumstance of TARCon, the best way for me to take the pain away.

Countdown to TARCon

2007-05-06T02:36:00.000-04:00

"It could be worse."

This is what I keep thinking. I’m heading to TARCon tomorrow night, where the diehard fans of The Amazing Race convene for the season finale, and I keep thinking that, over and over, a mantra to keep away the thought of another dismal finish. Through crappy eliminations, poorly-planned legs, and Danielle’s barely concealed cleavage, I keep thinking: "It could be worse."

With the exception of Survivor: Fiji, The Amazing Race: All-Stars is a better reality show to watch than anything else. The Apprentice? Totally irrelevant at this point. American Idol? Hijacked by a voting bloc dedicated to keeping the less-talented in contention. Dancing With The Stars? I don’t follow that, but the phone voting raises the same questions as AI, especially with Master P – a rapper with all the mobility of a tree – lasting a few episodes too long two seasons back. The Real World: Denver? Fighting, fornicating, and the biggest psycho ever seen in the form of Brooke. Road Rules: Viewers Revenge? If I get started on that show and the all-new, all-ugly Axis of Ass, I will never stop. So yeah...even at its worse, The Amazing Race is still the superior reality program to watch.

The finale still has the prospect of being very painful. We start with Charla & Mirna, the quarreling cousins. These two hail from the show’s fifth season, where the producers went for broke and gave viewers enough gaudy contestants to get viewers’ attention, like beauty queens and a Big Brother runner-up with her dummy boyfriend. The big draw of Charla & Mirna was Charla being a little person. They performed well enough in TAR5, securing several second-place finishes before their elimination. The big problem wasn’t Charla’s height, but the space between Mirna’s ears. Sadly, these two haven’t improved much in their second go-round, starting with three straight eighth-place finishes before they managed to catch fire. Mirna still seems intent on making everybody miserable, she still puts on broken accents, and she still insists on being pushy to everybody she meets. As much as people adore Charla, they seem oblivious to her not being much better than her kooky cousin. There’s Mirna putting the squeeze on an airline agent...and there’s Charla underneath the desk. The cousins (or "Charla & Snarla," as I like to think of them) have gotten too lucky for too long...and yet, they’re a far better alternative as winners than the next team.

Meet Eric & Danielle. In the ninth season, Eric was running with best buddy Jeremy, while Danielle floundered and faltered with Danni. Apparently, Eric’s juvenile flirting rubbed off on Danielle, and they became a couple...an ugly, loud, eyeroll-inducing couple. These two are the latest in a very long line of racing couples that bicker and nag at each other while going deeper and deeper into the race. Eric hasn’t evolved at all from his first season, he doesn’t seem to be in sync with his partner, and he takes things too seriously. When they were Yielded by Dustin & Kandice, he got pissy, calling them "dirty pirate hookers." Ron Burgandy, this idiot isn’t. He pitched a similar fit when they were Yielded later, this time by Oswald & Danny. From what I heard, his biggest rant didn’t make the cut on television, but it was very ugly. Danielle races and acts as well as she did the first time: poorly, and with barely-covered breasts. Worse yet, she’s from my home borough of Staten Island, which has yet to field a winner in any reality show. Sadly, Danielle is closer to that goal than John Vito & Jill, the darling and hot team from TAR3 who displayed the same sense of direction as in their first go-round, getting eliminated first this season. Nine times out of ten, Jill would hand Danielle her ass on a platter, but I guess we’ll never see my hypothesis tested.

By process of elimination, I feel the need to root for beauty queens Dustin & Kandice, who placed fourth in TAR10. Back then, they raced competently enough that Phil Keoghan kept bugging them about their chances for becoming the first all-female team to win the race. They wound up placing behind Lyn & Karlyn, two women who had zero business finishing third. Then again, if that didn’t happen, they wouldn’t have gotten an invite to appear on The Early Show, they wouldn’t have come to TARCon with several older women in their entourage, and I wouldn’t have seen at least one of them rock out to "Sweet Home Alabama" playing on the jukebox. Anyway, both teams feuded, and the beauty queens kept calling their rivals the "sistas." Ugly? Sure...but I figured maybe Lyn & Karlyn reminded the queens of the fellas who raped Andy in The Shawshank Redemption. This season, Dustin & Kandice have raced well enough with a few bobbles here and there. Why root for them? They have four leg wins (to two from Charla & Mirna and zlich from Stink & Pink), they race competently enough, and I finally found a mnemonic to tell them apart (Kandice: girlier name, curlier hair). Sure, the "all-female" title was taken by the winners of the inaugural season of The Amazing Race: Asia, but I’d put my money on the beauty queens.

As you can tell, I just want this season to be over...and even then, I’m dreading CBS dropping an "America’s Choice" fan vote, where the overhyped and overrated get big money (lookin’ at you, Rupert). Sure, the good moments weren’t that many (Ramber’s colossal flameout, Charla in knight’s armor falling down twice, any moment with Oswald & Danny where they weren’t sweating a task). Yeah, this season couldn’t really be called "the best of the best," especially with David & Mary and a banged-up Drew running. And the redemption of teams of Team Guido and Teri & Ian got cut off as they got eliminated (as least the Guidos get to take part in the celebration this time, instead of being stranded some 4,000 miles away). In summary, this won’t go down as the best season in the show’s history. Heck, some folks actually consider it to be the worse.

So why am I pumped up for this show? Because my aderaline gets pumping watching every week. Because I learn new stuff at every location shown. Because I end up caring who stays in the game and who gets eliminated. Because Phil Keoghan kicks the ass of every other reality show host. And because thanks to TARCon, I know that I’ll never be alone in watching this show and taking it too seriously. No matter who wins tomorrow night, I know that I’ll have fun either way.

TAR Stars: Frats All, Folks

2007-03-03T01:45:00.000-05:00

Q. What's worse that watching one of your favorite teams become the first team eliminated?

A. Watching one of your favorite teams get eliminated in one extremely painful episode.

Back during TAR1, Kevin & Drew were the "it" team of the season. Yeah, Rob & Brennan seemed nice, and Frank & Margarita's relationship made for compelling drama, but the Frats were funny, savy and successful. Their feud with Team Guido felt like a battle between good and evil, right up until their final fight in the streets of Beijing, where the Guidos pulled victory from the jaws of defeat. At that time, TAR fans figured there couldn't be a worse elimination scene.

Cut to last Sunday. Drew had fallen down in the previous leg. He suffered altitude sickness, requiring oxygen treatment during the twelve-hour eat/sleep/mingle period. There was a report that Drew had been hurt in his job as a court officer when he got involved in a brawl. So there he is at the pit stop mat, walking away from Phil as the host was ready to drop the elimination boot. All Drew wanted was something to cover his head. Given the two legs he and Kevin had run, he might have wanted a paper bag instead.

In the last few weeks, the TAR-based threads on Television Without Pity's forums have been peppered with cries of "Why did they go on the show if Drew wasn't healthy?" and "I never saw the first season...what did people see in these jokers?" I can forgive those posters...TAR1 was a great time, and I can't recommend getting the DVD enough, even if it means waiting until it was half-off like I did. But as the Frats tried to claw their way to the middle of an increasingly dysfunctional pack, they shot themselves in the foot. The worst part was Kevin driving 40 kilometers per hour. That wasn't so bad, but they had missed the sign saying that they could increase their speed. While other teams whizzed past them, the Frats were sizing them up for time penalties. The worst part was the editors going back to a "50 kph" sign over and over. It's a tact used to make teams look stupid, and it's like hitting a bad puppy with a rolled-up newspaper. Except...it's the Frats getting smacked. That just feels wrong to me. I'm biased as hell towards the Frats, so I can never be impartial.

Since I hate myself, I watched Lynn & Alex's commentary on Reality Remix. They were outraged...OUTRAGED!...that Drew walked away. Along with host Kennedy (yeah, she's still around), they bayed for Drew to show some respect. At the end of the segment, they pointed out how Kevin & Drew cheated on the Roadblock. "When you cheat and lose," one of them snarked, "you suck!" I agree, but I have a few corrections:

1. The Roadblock was performed by Kevin, not Kevin & Drew.

2. Kevin didn't intentionally cheat...when Mary gave her answer to the guy handing out the clues, she actually said the correct answer out loud. The thing with Mary is that neither she nor husband David are smart Racers. While I argue with the notion that they are to TAR what Rupert Boneham was to Survivor, I agree that these two should never have been invited back.

3. Lynn & Alex couldn't carry Drew's jock. They're scumbags. They all but accused Amber of having anorexia, and now they're praising Ramber's racing skills. Are they hypocrites, or are they following orders since Ramber has a show on Fox Reality? They gave shit to the lovely organizers of TARCon. And the worst offense? I heard they made fun of Carissa Gaghan trying to hold back the tears when her family got eliminated in TAR8. And now they're misrepresenting what happened just to be vicious. I'd tell them both to go to hell, but since they're on Fox Reality, I'd say they're already there.

Wow...I guess I disagreed with the analysis after all.

I have the right to be cranky. Not only did I see another nice team go, but now Danielle is the only Staten Islander left...and she didn't deserve to be running in the first place. Also, David & Mary continue to suck, Mirna is back to being a shrill harpy, and even Charla had a huge fit. Over what? I don't remember. All I remember was they were following a cab, Dustin & Kandice were following them, and next thing I know, Charla and Mirna are screaming at the cabbie and genuflecting like crazy. If they're not out in the next two episodes, I will be shocked.

And yes, freakin' Ramber won another leg...I think they're the first team to win the first two legs. On the bright side, Oswald & Danny finished a strong second again. A few weeks ago, I pointed out how players who won all-star editions of Big Brother and Survivor hailed from the second seasons of their respective shows. Now chew on this: Kevin & Drew were fan favorites from the first season of TAR, and they were the second team eliminated. Rudy Boesch was the fan favorite of the original Survivor, and he was the second person eliminated. Hey, with my two favorite teams gone, I have to take whatever joy I can get.

TAR Stars: The First Cut Is The Deepest

2007-02-24T01:20:00.000-05:00

Happier times: JVJ & Me, TARCon4 (2003)

While I was writing my post on Sunday, I was aware that something could go wrong with the first episode of The Amazing Race: All-Stars. In each season, there's never a team that you knew you could do without. We had somewhat blah pairs (Matt & Ana, Scott & John), nice folks who probably would've been toast if they lasted longer (Deidre & Hillary, Gina & Sylvia, Debra & Steve), and fun duos whose absence in subsequent legs made their seasons a little less fun (Avi &amp; Joe, Ryan & Chuck, Vipul & Arti). Also, there were Dennis & Erika (the formerly engaged couple, she liked to skydive naked), the Black Family of Family Edition (perhaps the most unfortunately surrnamed team in reality show history) and Bilal & Sae'ed (cut out of TAR10 in the middle of the leg).

So there I was, painfully aware that a team I had liked in the past might be the first to be sent packing. I had the Frats, the Chas, the Guidos (had them to win) and Uchenna & Joyce (they did slay Ramber two years ago). The team that got eliminated first? Naturally, it was John Vito & Jill, the ones closest to me. And the worst part? They basically went out the same way as they did in their last outing

Here's the thing about JVJ: they showed strength in TAR3, as well as mental stability (looking at you, Flo), but they constantly bled time throughout the race. Some of it wasn't totally their fault, but they had lots of navigational problems. The biggest turning point came in the ninth leg. After finishing last in the previous episode, they went for the Fast Forward. You could see the wheels turning in their minds: Get the Fast Forward, win the leg, and don't worry about elimination for another two legs. Up until that point, there had never been back-to-back nonelimination legs.

JVJ broke off from the other four teams, hit a cabin in the Swiss Alps, and ate blocks of cheese to uncover the location of the Pit Stop. It seemed like everything was going to plan...until Flo & Zach got the break they needed when they didn't get eliminated. In the following leg, the teams went to Malaysia, JVJ struggled with the Detour, and couldn't catch up to Teri & Ian to the Pit Stop. As a result, JVJ got eliminated, and it was the start of the fall of TAR3...but that's another story.

Back to the current season: JVJ reached their bags first. They got to the ticket counter first, and they figured out that the flight that departed second would arrive in Ecucador first. At the end of the day, they managed to be in the front of the pack. Even better, in the "other teams talk about Rob & Amber" segment of the show, John Vito gave us this: "I've had enough of Rob & Amber, and I think that America may have also." As if I couldn't love the big fella any more than I already did.

The next day, the teams were let go in three groups, fifteen minutes apart. They had to go to Cotopaxi Park and make it to Hacienda Yanahurco...ideally at the north entrance. Rob & Amber and Oswald & Danny (the eventual top two teams for this leg) went for the same tact: speak Spanish and get taxis for themselves to follow. JVJ found a guy for him and Jill to follow. Eventually, JVJ finds out that they've been going the wrong way. While this is going on, every other team makes it to the park, and JVJ hit the south entrance. It came down to a race between JVJ and a struggling Kevin & Drew to not get eliminated...and since three people in there are Staten Islanders and proven fan favorites, I get depressed. If the editing is to be believed, the Frats managed to get to the Pit Stop before JVJ even got to the Detour. And just like that, my heart gets shattered every bit as bad as when they got eliminated the first time.

On Monday, I forced myself to watch Reality Remix, with commentary from unfunny and bitchy gay couple Lynn & Alex. They claimed that JVJ was the only team they didn't know about. So they knew who Teri & Ian were, but not JVJ? How does that work? They likened JVJ to the expendable slutty girl that gets killed off in horror movies. Then then declared that Kevin & Drew will be eliminated next, labelling them "the fat guys" and, according to Lynn, "they're going to roll themselves right off the track." As you can tell, I love to make myself suffer. Happily, the producers didn't want to punish their viewers by casting those twits, so they're stuck on Fox Reality where they belong.

It's been tough rooting for John Vito & Jill. First came the heart-breaking elimination in TAR3. Then came the news that they were no longer a couple. I mean, if the lovey-doviest couple around couldn't make it work, then what hope did the rest of us have? When I saw John Vito at TARCon9, I couldn't ask him for details. It wasn't any of my business, and I didn't have the stomach to ask if JV was dating Erika, or if he brought her to the party as a friend. And now, I have to settle for watching JVJ on "Elimination Station" on CBS.com, where viewers can check out eliminated teams as they're sequestered. Seeing them wander the grounds by themselves was painful to watch, and I'm pretty sure they're not going to become a couple again. It's like have a favorite aunt and uncle divorce; they're cool as singles, but you can't imagine them apart, and you wouldn't want to do that. As a heterosexual guy, I should be thrilled that Jill is on the market (as far as I know), but she looked so much better with John Vito than she would with me.

There was a lot more to the first episode, but I'm not in the mood to going over Rob & Amber coming out in front yet again, Teri & Ian finishing in the top three (something they needed eight legs to achieve on their own merits in TAR3), David & Mary freakin' fawning over Ramber and finishing behind eighth-place Charla & Mirna (didn't finish below fifth until their elimination in TAR5), and poor Drew getting banged up as he and Kevin finished in tenth. Right now, JVJ is gone, and The Amazing Race: All-Stars is poorer for it.

The Return

2007-02-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

I'm back. Not that anybody cares. Hell, I didn't care for the longest time. I never wanted to be somebody who would blog every day, regardless of how crappy I felt at the time.

I guess apathy played a huge part...I started this blog after I was tossed out by a certain reality-based website, and the need to recap faded away over time. Meanwhile, those really noxious ogres still chug along. When I read their yearly recap and saw they rated Will Kirby and Mike Malin over the likes of Survivor superstars Yul Kwon and Cirie Fields, I almost threw up. Then again, in last year's edition, not only did they not put Tom Westman -- the ass-kicking silver fox who dominated Survivor: Palau -- in their top 40 personalities list, they inserted Wanda Shirk. Remember her? Lasted about 36 hours on the show? So at least the dopes running the site are improving.

I've been keeping busy. For one thing, I'm freelancing for a free bimonthly magazine whose head honcho loves my work. Also, I'm gearing up for next weekend's New York Comic Con. You might have heard about their disasterous debut last year, when the fire marshall shut the place down for an hour or two, where people who had their tickets paid in advance were turned away, and where I found myself in a pissed-off mob, pressed against a wall, wondering if it was worth it to have gone to McDonald's before the proverbial fecal matter hit the fan. The good news is that there will be more room in the Javits Center to manuever. The potential bad news? The plans were made before folks like Stephen Colbert and Hayden Panettiere (Claire Bennet from Heroes) signed on. All it takes is for Masi Oka screaming "YATTA!" in a panel room, and everybody gets locked out again.

The real reason I'm writing is because the latest edition of The Amazing Race debuts tonight. This time, it's an "all-star" season, which doesn't bode well, given the past history of similar editons of established CBS shows. I'll ignore Big Brother, since that's the Special Olympics of the genre. Any show where a grown man who asks people to call him "Boogie" wins $500,000 is not that important. Survivor: All-Stars was crap from beginning to end, what with a naked Richard grinding on Susan's ass, Susan's subsequent freakout about it followed by her departure, and Amber and Rob taking on the likes of Jenna, Tom and Rupert. Look at those last three names. Do any of them strike you as the least bit intelligent? For me, the season peaked with Shii Ann holding off elimination by winning immunity, followed by her rubbing it in the other contestants' faces and calling them "stupid, stupid people" in an interview. Even if she wasn't the snarky "Shii Devil" I grew to love on Survivor: Thailand, I couldn't argue with her.

Anyway, it took months of speculation before the offical cast list was announced. It was like waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents, with Kevin & Drew represented by the Wii, while the likes of Eric & Danielle and Teri & Ian were the tube socks with premade holes. A lot of teams rumored to be in the race missed the cut, such as Kris & Jon (brightest spot of the abymisal TAR6), Kelly & Jon (rumored to have passed) and Dave & Lori (the nerds from TAR9). The biggest guns missing were Colin & Christie, since she was pregnant. Chip & Kim didn't get invited, provoking the usually mellow Chip to have a snit fit (justified in my opinion). Don't get me started on the exclusion of Ken & Gerard, two of the funniest guys who still had hair on their heads, fleeting as that may be.

So who do we have to contend with starting tonight? Let's run down the Racers...

Dustin & Kandice: Easily the strongest all-female team in the show's history. Sadly, these beauty queens were bratty last season, and I can't tell them apart unless they're wearing their "NY" and "CA" shirts.

David & Mary: Everybody's pick to be the first team eliminated. While their "rural couple meets new people" storyline was cute, their racing skills were very poor, and Mary had a tendacy to crack the whip on her husband. Also, I saw a clip on The Early Show where they're at an airport book store, and they freakin' fawn over Rob & Amber. Dammit, didn't Roise O'Donnell get you some dignity to go along with your new house?!?

Eric & Danielle: They're the weird "mixed" team, as Jeremy and Dani sit this one out. While Eric & Jeremy did a decent job in TAR9, I do remember that Danielle & Dani didn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of other teams. On the other hand, at least they got an invite that BJ & Tyler may have recieved instead.

Uchenna & Joyce: The only winning team racing this season. While they're very athletic and focused, it took a small reality show miracle for them to win TAR7, and that was probably the result of Joyce getting her head shaved in India for that to happen. If Ramber ends up getting eliminated, the pressure will be off this couple.

Rob & Amber: Why? Okay, they did dominate TAR7 with a vengeance, and they deserved the spot. But I am so tired of seeing them. I'm tired of hearing stuff like "reality royalty" to describe them. And I am tired of Rob bitching and whining about how he was robbed of a million bucks the last time. Guess what, Robby? Second place looks so good on you! Deal with it!

Charla & Mirna: Another team that gets in on "popularity." Look, I have no beef with Charla's lack of size. Problem is, she keeps going on about how she can do stuff normal people can, and doing stuff like biting into hundreds of chocolates to find one with a white center isn't my idea of normal. But Charla's even more lovable compared to her cousin, who had half of the teams in TAR5 ready to kill her at the drop of a hat. I did hear about a new strategy of theirs: Charla has those kiddie shoes with the wheels in them, and Mirna will drag her whenever possible. That alone would be worth seeing them in action.

Teri & Ian: What galls me about these two is the revisionist history CBS is willing to teach about these two. The official site on CBS.com calls them "one of the fan favorites from all the seasons of Race." Really? These two basically bickered their way through TAR3, lucked out in surviving each leg only when another team did worse, and managed to finish second, which was as big of a bummer as Flo & Zach winning. If I hear Ian yell "Time to hump!" or Teri break out the paper underwear, my head will make an appointment with the nearest wall.

John Vito & Jill: My people, and not just because I interviewed them way back in 2002. The team that didn't race well enough to thrive, but looked classy (and hot) doing it. However, these two are no longer a couple, and I'm not sure how that will affect them. All I hope for is that they remain civil to each other and to the other teams. And if they're still cool at the end and make the final episode, I might go to TARCon wearing the camo pants they love to sport.

Oswald & Danny: Better known as Team Cha-Cha-Cha, these fabulous gay guys ran TAR2 well, killing locals with kindness and managing to freak out their opponents with their zen-like racing tactics. Apparently, there was a falling out between the pair (not couple...never a couple), but they're back on good terms. They're probably going to bow out in the early going, but isn't that what some people thought the first that around? Besides, Amber came from the second season of Survivor and she won All-Stars, and Mike Malin also hailed from the second Big Brother...and Oswald & Danny are the only team from TAR2. Something to think about.

Joe & Bill: Am I crazy for thinking that "Team Guido" will win? I know they're the oldest team running this season, but their extensive travelling experience has to be an asset. With bunching more prevelant than in TAR1, the odds of a "Guido edit" (stranded in Alaska as the top two teams finished in New York) happening again are slim to none. Also, I don't think they'll be as evil as their first time out. I've met them a few times, and they don't seem to be mean-spirited and arrogant...as opposed to Richard Hatch, who's probably keeping that attitude up even in the slammer.

Kevin & Drew: The biggest "no-brainer" selection. The bald frat brothers parlayed their fame into guest spots on Rosie, their own reality show on the Discovery Channel (which I recapped), and handing out clues to teams on TAR8. These two weren't slouches in TAR1, winning three legs and staying in contention for most of the way. They're also responsible for some of the funniest lines in the show's history. I can't say how far they'll get this time around, but it should be a fun trip.

Hopefully, I'll get motivated enough to write about the new season as it runs. Also, I should go over my time at the NYCC, as well as the upcoming trip to The Colbert Report next Wednesday. Who knows...maybe I'll get to recapping the Challenge again. Yeah, right. Don't hold your breath on that.

Adventures in Baltimore

2006-09-14T15:59:00.000-04:00

I don’t remember much about the vacation I took with my family to Baltimore in 1994. I recall my father was jazzed since one of his favorite shows – Homicide: Life On The Street – was set in Baltimore. I had gotten tickets to an Orioles game, but the players’ strike left us taking a tour of Orioles Park at Camden Yards instead, as well as a trip to Bowie to see the Bowie Baysox of the Eastern League. I’m pretty sure we went to the Inner Harbor a few times. And I recall buying Green Lantern #0 and Starman #0 while I was down there. I’m sure I got two other comics, but I can wait on figuring out what they were.

As you know, I live near New York City, home of DC and Marvel Comics. Up until this year, New York didn’t have a major comic convention. Then came the New York Comic Con, a three-day event that turned into a full-blown disaster, what with the limited space and the fire marshal shutting the Javits Center down for a few hours. I needed something meatier. San Diego? Too far and too expensive. Chicago? Ditto. Toronto? I’d have a free room with Stephen, but the airfare got jacked up, and a twelve-hour train ride would be a hassle. In the end, I went with Baltimore, which is where I’m writing this.

Actually, I’m in Linthicum, which is near the local airport. Even though I decided to drive down here, the shuttle service allowed access to the light rail system, which takes me to the convention center. Throw in a good deal ($89 per night), and I was sold.

Friday

After packing up, checking a few last things online and having a quick breakfast, I was off on my journey. Getting to Linthicum was mostly simple...just take the New Jersey Turnpike the whole way south, breeze past Delaware, and make a few turns. Happily, I didn’t get any major scares, although I did have to gas up twice. The second time was a little messed up, when a gas attendent was asking me about a runaway fugitive who was hiding in upstate New York. The guy had a thick accent and no front teeth. I don’t know what was scarier...that guy, or the price I had to pay for gas.

I ended up screwing up, making one wrong turn and getting a tour of suburban Linthicum. I finally lucked into a parking lot near the airport and I got good directions. After rolling around trying to right the right hotel, I found my destination.

The room is a beauty. Sure, I take a hit in terms of television choices, but so what? I have a refrigator, a microwave (which I won’t use) and an ethernet connection (which I can’t use). It’s a big room, and it should be comfy for tonight and tomorrow.

After unpacking, I took the shuttle service to the light rail, and proceeded to Camden Yards. I bought a Left Field Lower Box for $27, then entered the park. The place is about a decade old and it’s held up well. After getting a pork sandwich at Boog’s Bar-B-Q, I settled into my seat. There was one small problem....the Orioles were hosting the Yankees, and lots of their fans decided to make the trip south to basically act like idiots. Really, nothing’s as bad as a Yankee fan rubbing superiority in your face. There were lots of them in my section, and they were loud. It could have been worse...in another section, I saw four Yankee fans escorted out. Naturally, they were waving their arms, happy with getting the heave-ho.

Surprisingly, the second-rate Orioles actually kicked some ass. Melvin Mora hit a two-run homer than landed one section to my left in the first inning. The O’s tacked on five runs in the second inning – three driven in on a Jay Gibbons homer – and chased Cory Lidle out of the game. The Yankees got two runs in the third, and that was as dangerous as they got against Erik Bedard. The only dark spot was that Alex Rodriguez didn’t screw up in a major way...he went 1-for-3 with a sacrifice fly. Joe Torre ended up replacing most of the lineup with rookies in the last few innings, and Craig Wilson got a two-run homer off Brian Burres, who was pitching in his first game in the majors (2/3s of an inning, one strikeout), but Julio Manon got Thompson to fly out to left field for the final out. If only the drubbing shut up the Yankee fans.

I made it back to the airport, where I screwed up where I was supposed to way for the shuttle. I ended the night by getting dessert (animal crackers from a vending machine) and going online at the business office.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I have my sketchbook (29 entries so far), some references, and money. I’ve been told that the Baltimore Comic Con is mellower than the bigger cons. I’ll see for myself.

Addendum: In Camden Yards, they don’t play “God Bless America” in the middle of the seventh inning...they go with “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” I miss that. Also, when I got a hot dog inside the back, the average age of the folks working the stand had to be at least 65.

Saturday

It was deja vu all over again.

About 90 minutes into the Baltimore Comic Con, somebody pulled a fire alarm. Not quite the same as the overcrowded Javits Center in Feburary, but there I was, waiting outside the Baltimore Convention Center, waiting to get back in. On a surreal note, Lou Ferigno – the Incredible Hulk himself – was five feet from me. That wasn’t the weirdest comic con experience I had...that would be the Sofitel Hotel in Chicago back in 2001, when Kenny Baker (the fella inside R2-D2) asked me how my breakfast was.

I got the morning started right...the hotel offers a free contiential breakfast. The best part: making my own waffles. I’m serious about this. They have cups of batter laid out. You pour the stuff into one of two irons (either four little waffles or a single one), flip the iron over for two minutes, then flip it back, open up and enjoy. Very yummy. Wish I could say the same about the convention at first.

The con hit a discouraging note at first...a few artists I wanted sketches from were charging big bucks. One of my faves was asking for $100 for pencils, inks and shadowing. It would look great, but it was outside my price range. One hundred bucks here, $50 there, $75 with this guy...not good.

The convention is small compared to the big shows in San Diego, Chicago and Toronto. It’s kind of like the Big Apple Con, only better laid out and fewer z-list celebrities (no offense to Lori Petty, who will appear at the con next week. The rest? No apologies, guys). I recognized dealers by their layouts...I’ll never remember their names, but I can sniff out what I want, even though I left my list back at my room.

As for sketches, I got four today. Three were free, and I got the fourth for buying two comics. I’m not above paying, but my ceiling is usually $25, $50 if I really like the creator. I had gotten Marvel Comics villianess Nightshade from Bob Almond back in New York, so I hit up Bill Willingham for a quick head shot of Nightshade from Shadowpact, a DC Comics heroine. I also got sketches from Alex Robinson (Ray Beam from Tricked), Michael Avon Oeming (Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen), and Pop Mhan (Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist). My big day will come tomorrow, because I did something kinda stupid, yet totally cool.

There I was at a DC Comics panel, relaxing from the grind and listening to A-list talent (Mark Waid, Kurt Busiek, Willingham, JG Jones, George Perez, Marv Wolfman, and Barry Kitson). Dan Didio (DC’s vice president and executive editor) asked the creators which character they’d like to kill off. Kitson goes into a story about a villain who had smokestacks on his back and fishnet stockings. Yes, it was a male. Kitson couldn’t remember the character’s name...he knew who drew it and what title it was from, but he was stumped on the name. So he made the audience an offer: find the issue, get a free sketch. Cut to me in my seat, light bulb above my head.

After the panel, I talked to Kitson to confirm the details, then I went down two floors to the con floor. In a few minutes, I found the guy: Bloodthrist, from Superman: The Man Of Steel. Ugly sucker. I paid $1 for it, went to Kitson’s table, got on line, waited until he returned, and I showed it to him. Ding ding ding, I was the first person with the book. I would have gotten the sketch today, but he had people in front of me sketch-wise. At Kitson’s request, I showed the issue to Didio. His reaction?? “Holy shit!” and “I’d kill him, too.”

The rest of the day was eventful. I had dinner at the ESPN Zone, walked around and got lost, and made it back to the hotel after 10 p.m. I also walked around the Inner Harbor, which reminded me of South Street Seaport back home, with all the shops and restaurants, and the smell of seawater. Last time I was at the Seaport, I didn’t keep track of Yankee fans. Today, they were out in force, in full colors. I guess Baltimore is to them as Philadelphia is to Mets fans...a place that’s close enough to root for the visiting team.

All in all, it was a good day...and I got at least five people who noticed my “The Fake News Is All I Need” t-shirt that I got in the mail from Glarkware on Thursday. I’ll hit Kitson and Danielle Corsetto for sketches tomorrow, look for more deals, then haul butt back to Staten Island tomorrow. Right now, I’m just going to pack up, take in some old-school Doctor Who on the local PBS station, and get some sleep.

Sunday

Long day. Lots of mistakes made. I checked out of the hotel, got on the highway, got off too early, and had to wait for a train before I could get back on track. From there, I wound up going back and forth between Kitson and Danielle, as both were busy sketching for other people. As a result, I couldn’t get sketches from any other artists. Not that this was a bad thing; I don’t know how many more freebies I could have squeezed from folks I merely kind of liked. It just got frustrating because I couldn’t find any deals on comics, at least before I got a copy of Justice League of America #0 at half-price. Also, I ended up misplacing my cell phone and camera, but I got both back. My mind? The jury is still out on whether I had one to begin with. In the end, I got an awesome sketch of Superman from Kingdom Come from Kitson. This goes nicely with past sketches from the groundbreaking miniseries of Red Robin and Kid Flash.

As for Danielle? I asked her if she was tired of drawing mostly female characters. She didn’t mind, because she wasn’t all that good drawing males. After some thought, I decided to have her sketch Monkey Woman from Who Wants To Be a Superhero?. Danielle had never seen the show before, and she was tickled when I explained it to her. She was also impressed by the picture I had brought of Monkey Woman from the show’s website. Also, she had folks read her sign-up list and get jazzed by my request. This is the final product, which goes great with her past sketches of Social Butterfly (Livewires) and Barbara Gordon (Birds of Prey).

I wanted to get out early to beat nightfall, but I lost. Aside from traffic congestion and the occasional raindrop, I made it back without major incident. It was the longest I’ve ever driven in one shot, and I’m impressed that I pulled it off. And the best part? I know that I can always come to Baltimore for my convention cravings. I just hope that Orioles aren’t playing the Yankees next time.