The Boredom Files: TAR Tables

 When I get bored, I do stuff. In this case, it's trying to see which teams on The Amazing Race are the best, using statistics to get the job done. In this case, it's adding up a team's placements, then dividing them by the number of legs run. For added nerdiness, I subtract the best and worst placements, then divide for the adjusted results because damn it, I am such a damn geek.

I know . . . the 23rd season doesn't kick off until September 29, but it's either copy and paste stuff I calculated months ago, or pick through the train wreck that I imagine Survivor: Blood Vs. Water will be . . . and brother, it's gonna be a train wreck. With 22 contestants that I've never heard of before, I'd say The Amazing Race will be the more bearable viewing experience.

First Place

Season	Team	Relationship	Legs	Place	Avg.	Adjust.	Readjust.
20	Rachel & Dave	Married	12	22	1.83	1.50	1.25
15	Meghan & Cheyene	Dating	12	24	2.00	1.70	1.38
14	Tammy & Victor	Siblings/Lawyers	11	25	2.27	1.56	1.71
9	BJ & Tyler	Best Friends	12	28	2.33	2.20	2.00
22	Bates & Anthony	Hockey Brothers	12	28	2.33	2.00	1.88
13	Nick & Starr	Siblings	11	27	2.45	2.22	1.86
1	Rob & Brennan	Lawyers/Best Friends	13	32	2.46	2.27	2.22
10	Tyler & James	Models	12	30	2.50	2.30	2.00
3	Flo & Zach	Friends	13	35	2.69	2.64	2.56
8	Linzes	Siblings	12	33	2.82	2.33	2.29
19	Ernie & Cindy	Engaged	12	34	2.83	2.80	2.75
17	Nat & Kat	Doctors	12	37	3.08	2.80	2.50
4	Reichen & Chip	Married	13	41	3.15	2.82	2.78
7	Uchenna & Joyce	Married	12	38	3.17	2.90	2.75
12	TK & Rachel	Newly Dating	11	35	3.18	3.00	2.86
18	Kisha & Jen	Sisters	12	40	3.33	3.30	3.25
2	Chris & Alex	Lifelong Friends	13	44	3.38	3.27	3.11
5	Chip & Kim	Married Parents	13	44	3.38	3.18	2.89
11	Eric & Danielle	“Dating”	13	47	3.62	3.64	3.67
6	Freddy & Kendra	Engaged Models	12	33	3.67	3.50	3.50
16	Dan & Jordan	Brothers	12	52	4.33	4.30	4.25
21	Josh & Brent	Goat Farmers	12	56	4.67	4.80	4.75

Second Place

Season	Team	Relationship	Legs	Place	Avg.	Adjust.	Readjust.
9	Eric & Jeremy	Friends	12	21	1.75	1.60	1.63
6	Kris & Jon	Dating Long Distance	12	26	2.17	2.10	2.00
20	Art & JJ	Border Patrol Agents	12	27	2.25	2.20	2.25
16	Jet & Cord	Brothers/Cowboys	12	28	2.33	2.10	2.00
1	Frank & Margarita	Separated Parents	13	31	2.39	2.27	2.22
7	Rob & Amber	Engaged	12	29	2.42	2.30	2.13
2	Tara & Wil	Separated Couple	13	32	2.46	2.36	2.33
5	Colin & Christie	Dating	13	32	2.46	2.18	1.89
13	Ken & Tina	Separated	11	29	2.64	2.44	2.71
11	Dustin & Kandice	Beauty Queens	13	38	2.92	2.82	2.67
12	Rob & Kimberly	Dating	12	36	3.00	2.80	2.63
8	Bransens	Dad & Daughters	11	34	3.09	2.89	2.71
15	Sam & Dan	Brothers	12	38	3.17	2.80	2.75
17	Brook  & Claire	Home Shopping Hosts	12	38	3.17	3.10	3.00
12	Ronald & Christina	Father & Daughter	11	38	3.45	3.11	2.86
19	Jeremy & Sandy	Dating	12	43	3.58	3.50	3.38
21	Jaymes & James	Chippendales	12	42	3.58	3.20	3.13
18	Flight Time & Big Easy	Harlem Globetrotters	12	42	3.75	3.70	3.75
4	Kelly & Jon	Engaged	13	50	3.85	3.73	3.56
14	Jaime & Cara	Former Cheerleaders	11	46	4.18	4.11	4.14
22	Max & Katie	Newlyweds	12	51	4.25	4.10	4.00
3	Teri & Ian	Married Parents	13	59	4.54	4.36	4.22

Third Place

Season	Team	Relationship	Legs	Place	Avg.	Adjust.	Readjust.
3	Ken & Gerard	Brothers	13	35	2.69	2.55	2.44
1	Joe & Bill	Life Partners	13	36	2.77	2.82	2.78
14	Margie & Luke	Mother & Son	11	31	2.82	2.89	3.00
17	Jill & Thomas	Dating	12	36	3.00	2.80	2.75
7	Ron & Kelly	Former POW/Pageant Queen	12	37	3.08	2.60	2.63
5	Brandon & Nicole	Dating/Models	13	43	3.11	3.27	3.33
21	Trey & Lexi	Dating	12	38	3.17	2.80	2.50
18	Gary & Mallory	Father/Daughter	12	39	3.25	2.90	2.75
8	Weavers	Widow & Kids	11	36	3.27	3.33	3.29
20	Brendon & Rachel	Big Brother Contestants	12	41	3.42	3.30	3.25
2	Blake & Paige	Brother/Sister	13	48	3.69	3.45	3.56
4	David & Jeff	Best Friends	13	52	4.00	3.73	3.69
11	Charla & Mirna	Cousins	13	54	4.15	4.09	4.50
12	Nicolas & Donald	Grandson/Grandfather	11	46	4.18	4.11	4.14
15	Brian & Ericka	Married	12	51	4.25	3.90	3.75
9	Ray & Yolanda	Dating	12	52	4.33	4.40	4.25
16	Brent & Caite	Dating Models	12	52	4.33	4.40	4.38
22	Mona & Beth	Roller Derby Moms	12	52	4.33	4.30	4.38
19	Amani & Marcus	Married	12	53	4.38	4.30	4.38
6	Adam & Rebecca	Formerly Dating	12	55	4.58	4.70	4.75
10	Lyn & Karlyn	Single Moms/Friends	12	60	5.00	4.90	4.75
13	Andrew & Dan	Frat Boys	11	57	5.18	5.22	5.29

Fourth & Fifth Place

Season	Team	Relationship	Tot. Legs	Legs Ran	Place	Avg.	Adjust.	Readjust.
19	Andy & Tommy	Pro Snowboarders	12	11	29	2.63	2.33	2.14
11	Oswald & Danny	Best Friends	13	12	32	2.67	2.60	2.63
6	Hayden & Aaron	Dating Actors	12	11	31	2.81	2.67	2.71
3	Derek & Drew	Twin Brothers/Models	13	11	34	3.09	2.44	2.71
15	Flight Time & Big Easy	Harlem Globetrotters	12	11	34	3.09	3.00	3.00
8	Godlewskis	Sisters	11	10	31	3.10	3.13	3.33
13	Toni & Dallas	Mother/Son	11	10	31	3.10	3.00	2.83
10	Dustin & Kandice	Beauty Queens	12	11	36	3.27	3.11	3.14
21	Natalie & Nadiya	Twins	12	11	36	3.27	3.22	3.43
1	Kevin & Drew	Fraternity Brothers	13	11	37	3.36	3.00	3.00
9	Joseph & Monica	Dating	12	10	34	3.40	3.25	3.00
18	Zev & Justin	Best Friends	12	11	38	3.45	3.22	2.86
12	Nathan & Jennifer	Dating	11	10	37	3.70	3.13	3.00
4	Jon & Al	Best Friends/Clowns	13	11	41	3.73	3.67	3.57
2	Oswald & Danny	Best Friends	13	11	44	4.00	2.89	3.86
5	Linda & Karen	Bowling Moms	13	12	50	4.17	4.10	4.13
14	Kisha & Jen	Sisters	11	10	43	4.30	4.25	4.17
16	Louie & Michael	Detectives	12	11	48	4.36	4.22	4.00
20	Bopper & Mark	Best Friends	12	10	46	4.60	4.50	4.33
22	Joey & Meghan	YouTube Hosts	12	10	47	4.70	4.88	4.83
3	John Vito & Jill	Dating	13	10	48	4.80	5.00	5.00
20	Vanessa & Ralph	Dating Divorcees	12	11	54	4.91	4.78	4.71
22	Caroline & Jennifer	Country Singers	12	11	54	4.91	4.56	4.43
17	Nick & Vicki	Dating	12	11	58	5.27	5.11	5.00
7	Meredith & Gretchen	Married/Retired	12	10	53	5.30	5.50	5.50
5	Kami & Karli	Twins	13	10	58	5.80	5.75	5.50
19	Bill & Cathi	Grandparents	12	10	55	5.50	5.25	5.33
18	Kent & Vyxsin	Dating Goths	12	10	60	6.00	5.88	5.83

Minimum ten legs

Adventures In Baltimore 2013: Day Three

I wound up bailing out of the convention around 1 p.m. today. It’s not a matter of boredom of the convention so much as I just wanted to go home. My backpack was getting heavier as I bought water bottles and a trade paperback. I kept waiting on sketches. I had to hit the ATM beforehand, and I didn’t want to spend any more money than I needed. If I was staying at the hotel tonight, I would’ve stayed as long as I could hold out. But with a few hundred miles between me and home, I had to leave as soon as I could.

            The ride was a mixed bag. At one point, I pulled over at a rest stop for gas, and I couldn’t find my credit card. That’s a scary moment, isn’t it? I wound up having to use my debit card. When I got home, I emptied all my bags, searching every nook and cranny I could find, but it wasn’t anywhere. I called the hotel, thinking that I could’ve left it in my room. You want to know where I found it? In my wallet, wedged into a different section. It was a small miracle, akin to the Jets winning this afternoon.

            In total, I got twelve sketches; nine in my sketchbook, and three on blank-covered comics. I also walked 7,648 steps total. I wasn’t in “wandering dead” mode, but I did feel my batteries draining. Worst part was when I got up from killing time, started walking . . . then had to stop because my leg had fallen asleep. I had to stand there and wait until the tingling stopped.

            Despite the fatigue, I had fun. Baltimore is a fun city to visit, though – once again – I’m not sure if I’ll be coming back for their convention. My next big adventure happens next month, when I’ll be attending the New York Comic Con, which is a stone’s throw away from my home borough of Staten Island. It’s four days long, but I’m certain that it won’t kill me.

Adventures in Baltimore 2013: Day Two

This was written yesterday, September 7:

            I did top 14,000 steps. Granted, I needed two trips, including 13,474 steps during the day, followed by 1,435 going to the Inner Harbor for dinner. I totaled 15,909 steps, and I think I’ve felt every one of them.

            It’s not that the convention itself is dull. However, there are times when I’m walking around with my backpack, and I start to wonder if I’m getting too old for conventions. I drop off my sketchbook with an artist, I look for bargains, I go to a panel, I gawk at cosplayers . . . lather, rinse, repeat. Don’t get me wrong, I wind up meeting all sorts of nice people. And anytime I think I’ve seen all characters portrayed by the costumed, somebody walks by with something awesome. Today, I saw a guy dressed as Barf from Spaceballs. You know . . . Mel Brooks movie? Parody of Chewbacca played by John Candy? Half man, half dog, he’s his own best friend? I cannot make that up.

            I ran into a few roadblocks on the way over. First, I leave my confirmation letter at home, so I had to wait and give an attendant my ID. Then I wound up waiting on line to get in for at least a half hour. One good thing about Baltimore in September is that it’s not very humid. Combine that with a copy of Sports Illustrated, and the time flew by. But it was about an hour into my con experience when I realized that I left my references at the hotel. I print all sorts of stuff for artists to use while sketching stuff for me. It’s probably the only that I’m anal retentive about. I could use the iPad for that purpose, but once again, that’s not asking for trouble. That’s begging for trouble.

            I managed to get six sketches total today. I got to see Danielle Corsetto for what will probably be the only time this year. In addition to working on her webcomic, Girls With Slingshots, she’s also been tabbed by BOOM! Studios as a graphic novel writer for their Adventure Time license. It’s perhaps the quirkiest show on television today, if not merely the quirkiest cartoon. I got my copy of Playing With Fire signed, and she did a haunting sketch of Flame Princess, a girl who’s quite literally volatile, yet seeking to escape her father’s sinister reach.

            In addition, I got a quick sketch from Roget Langridge, and I didn’t ask for anything Doctor Who-related this time. I got a killer sketch of Abraham Lincoln shooting Deadpool on a blank-covered copy of Deadpool #1 from Buz Hasson. He was nice enough to give me a copy of The Living Corpse DVD afterward. Perhaps my biggest score was hitting up superstar artist Adam Hughes. Occasionally, he does quick head shots for $20 for Old English Sheepdog rescue. A few years ago, he dressed up as Pam Poovy, the pervy Human Resources director from Archer, one of my fave shows. Well, I got a sketch of Pam from Adam Hughes. Hey, I love being different. Right now, my book is with Chris Giarrusso. I don’t know how many sketches he’s done for me over the years. He’s working on a sketch of Mouse, a kid who runs around with rats in DC Comics’ The Movement.

            Other than the sketches and a few purchases, I didn’t do much today. And I found out that next year’s show will be extended to three days. I don’t think I’ll be coming back to Baltimore. It’s a friendly show, but I don’t know if I want to get a third night’s stay. It’s easy to splurge for two nights, but three might be pushing it. One of these days, I’ll have to go somewhere when a comic convention is not involved and just play tourist for 3-4 days. The sad thing is that I have no idea where I’d want to visit first.

            I wound up bailing out before 6 p.m. so I could lie down for a quick nap. I managed to get vertical, walking out to the Inner Harbor and having a pizza at Uno’s. The only downside was that my waiter took too long getting my cookie sundae, and the nearby tourist shops had closed down. I usually get myself a t-shirt before I come back from a trip.

            That’s about it for me. I’m going to pack up everything and have it held by the hotel before I bail out tomorrow. Thanks to the hotel’s computers, I couldn’t upload my entry about yesterday’s experiences, so I’ll have to wait until I get home tomorrow. At least I’ll be coming back with lots of experiences, as well as too many photos.

Adventures In Baltimore 2013: Day One

Note: The following entry was written on Friday night, September 6. My laptop doesn't have WiFi, so I thought I'd write it out and upload it on a computer at the hotel. Well, that didn't work . . . and that's why you're reading this two days later.

            Here I am. In Baltimore. Again. Going to the Baltimore Comic Con for – I believe – the fourth time.

            I’m not being that fair. Sure, I’d want to go to a bigger show, but San Diego was out of the question this year, and Toronto wasn’t doable. On the bright side, I didn’t go to Wizard World Philadelphia for the second year in a row. After going there for so many years, I felt it lost a lot of luster. And that’s where Baltimore comes in . . . I stay at a nice hotel for two nights, drive both ways, and maybe get some tourism in. Last year, I managed to get in a visit at the Ripley’s Museum before seeing the Yankees whack the Orioles, thanks in part to Alex Rodriguez’s 300^th homer as a Yankee. His 300^th jack-up, PED-tainted home run. But enough about that.

            This time, I wound up getting out of the house early. The biggest bad news: I lost my good camera, leaving me with my cell phone and Bloggie; the latter was a Christmas present from my mother, a camera that is decent as long as there’s light. At the dim confines of TARCon? That’s not a good place for it. I can’t get a physical connection for my laptop, but I did bring an iPad that I won at a raffle. I’m breaking it in slowly, and I’m sure as hell not bringing it to the convention with me. I blubbered the time I lost a Camcorder and my sketchbook . . . imagine losing a state-of-the-art piece of hardware I lucked into. Anyway, getting out early was what I needed . . . according to my pedometer, I walked 14,170 steps today, and I have the chapped thighs to prove it.

Sheraton Inner Harbor

            Like most hotels, it’s too good for the likes of me. I have two double beds to choose from, four pieces of art on the wall, and a view of the Orioles’ and Ravens’ respective homes. I used to stay close to the airport, where I could get a shuttle there, and then take the light rail into the city. Today, I splurge for two days at a convention rate, then get out to play tourist.

National Aquarium: Baltimore

            I wound up going further into the Inner Harbor than ever before. I never had time to go there before today. It’s all indoors . . . bad news if you’re looking for seals or penguins. The last time I visited an aquarium was when I hit Coney Island last year, before Hurricane Sandy wrecked the New York Aquarium. The biggest memory I have was the overwhelming musk of an up-close female walrus. In Baltimore, most of the animals are behind glass. There was a dolphin show, which was fun, but most of the exhibits weren’t that up close. There was a lot to see, and I took too many pictures . . . up to and including the feeding of the puffins. By the way, when I told my mother about them, she told me about how a co-worker went to Iceland and ate puffin. Why, Mom?

Sports Legends Museum

            If you’re into sports, this is a good place to go . . . unless you’re a Browns fan, bitter how Art Modell carpertbagged the original team to Baltimore, and that the Ravens have won two Super Bowls. Or if you’re a Giants fan still bitter Ray Lewis wasn’t in jail during Super Bowl XXXV, winning MYP honors.

            Baltimore has a rich tradition with sports, going back to the original Baltimore Orioles of the 19^th Century, before they moved to New York and became the Highlanders (the ancestor for the Yankees). The Orioles’ exhibit broke the city’s history with baseball into nine innings, going through the city’s minor league Orioles, the former St. Louis Browns that moved to Baltimore in 1953, and the Orioles’ titles in 1966, 1970 and 1983. Natch, there’s also a lot on Cal Ripken, among other legends. The Museum also holds the Orioles Hall of Fame. I wound up taking a picture of a small exhibit dedicated to Davey Johnson, who won several Gold Gloves and two World Series rings long before leading the Mets to their last title in 1986.

            There were also exhibits dedicated to such things as the Colts, college sports, the Ravens, the soccer team known as the Blast, and Babe Ruth. While the Bambino is usually connected with Boston and New York, he was born and raised in Baltimore. And for a few extra bucks, you can follow a trail of baseballs on the sidewalk past Camden Yards and towards . . .

Babe Ruth Museum & Birthplace

            I vaguely remember coming here with my folks in 1994. It’s rather small with two floors of exhibits. It’s worth visiting if you’re in the area, with pictures of players who have hit 500 home runs (including some of the more stained members), lots of stuff on The Babe (including two banners’ worth of nicknames he had), and a theater. Today, I got to see how “The Star-Spangled Banner” was first connected to baseball. Fittingly, it was during World War I, at the 1918 World Series. It was played in the middle of the seventh inning, normally reserved for “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” The winning pitcher? Babe Ruth of the Boston Red Sox. It all comes back to the Sultan of Swat, it seems.

Orioles Park At Camden Yards

            If the Orioles are in town, I have to see them. It’s my one Major League game of the year. I got an affordable seat, and I wound up eating a “Beer Can Chicken,” which was a giant leg and thigh. I would’ve gotten a hot dog, but I stupidly got one at the Aquarium because it was cheap. For the second year in a row, the O’s are in contention for the postseason, and they get the hapless Chicago White Sox for a four-day weekend series.

            This time, I have the time to write about the game. Because I’m a geek, I kept score. I always keep score. I had to run out of my seat and back to get ice cream, just so I don’t miss anything. It’s a sickness. Anyway, the game started as a duel between pitchers John Danks and Scott Feldman. Danks managed to get the first eight Orioles out, all on fly balls. But then he gave up a homer to designated hitter Danny Valencia, putting the O’s up, 1-0. Feldman got into trouble in the fourth inning, giving up a two-out hit to Jordan Danks (any relation? No clue). That would’ve drove in Jeff Keppinger from second base, but Adam Jones threw a one-bounce strike to the plate to nail Keppinger and end the inning.

            Last year, I groaned seeing A-Rod go deep. Tonight, I got to see Chris “Crush” Davis go deep for his 49^th homer in the fifth inning, just as Jenks’ odometer went past 100 pitches. Jenks followed that up with another bad pitch to Matt Wieters, who made it back-to-back homers. Combined with another Valencia RBI (infield hit in the fourth inning), the Orioles went up 4-0, and Jenks was taken out.

The rest of the game was relatively uneventful. Relievers Jake Petricka and Daniel Webb stopped the bleeding for the Pale Hose, but it was too late. The star of the game was Feldman, who pitched a complete game, five-hit shutout for his twelfth win. The crowd was into it . . . I saw patches of empty seats, but it wasn’t as bad as seeing Rogers Centre from above in the CN Tower back in 2011.

Tomorrow should be another full day as I go to the convention. I got references printed up, and I should be well-rested. I don’t think I can top 14,000 steps tomorrow, but I’m sure it won’t be dull

My Sketches: One Piece (Part Two)

. . .  and here are the rest of my One Piece-based sketches. With way too many characters to count, I'm sure this won't be the end of me plunging into this deep anime.

My Sketches: One Piece (Part One)

I'm getting ready for the Baltimore Comic-Con this weekend, and I thought that it would be fun to show off my sketches. Tonight, I'd like to start by showcasing sketches based on the popular (and awesome) manga and anime, One Piece. I'm starting with the members of the Straw Hat crew. Monkey D. Luffy pops up twice because I had an idea of having Straw Hats pose as American comic book characters. I'll post the rest of the characters in the near future. In the meantime . . . scroll over the sketches for artist information, and enjoy!

Best Challenge Endgames Ever (Part One)

Note: I still have no friggin' clue how to properly do footnotes on Blogger, so I'm just going to copy, paste, and research later.

It’s been over a decade since I started recapping Real World/Road Rules Challenge on Reality News Online. I wound up “covering” four seasons for RNO[1], followed by two seasons on my own with this blog. A lot have changed over the years. For one, with Road Rules dying an unlamented death, we’re left with The Challenge, which now runs an hour long on Wednesday nights. Most of the regulars I wrote about have gotten on with their lives, replaced by a generation filled with “Fresh Meat” players and products of The Real World which have veered as far away from the days of original ingénue Julie Oliver, country singer Jon Brennan and the original casts. In other words, we’re left with assholes, and we’re getting bigger assholes with every passing season.

As much damage as Bunim-Murray Productions has inflicted on its viewers (most of whom, like me, probably hate themselves), they did stumble into something special: the endgame. Okay, it’s mostly known as “elimination rounds,” but fuck it . . . my blog, my term. Starting with The Gauntlet, players on the outs with their own teams had an option: win a game, stay on the show. Lose the game, get sent packing. No other show used this format on a regular basis. Survivor had a College Bowl-type playoff in its Africa season, as well as fire-building contests to break ties[2], but it would be years before Mark Burnett introduced “Redemption Island” to completely wreck the entire “The Tribe Has Spoken” mystique the show had. In trying to create more drama, BMP managed to create something special.

Since we’re coming up on the tenth anniversary of The Gauntlet, I thought that I could share the endgames that stick in my head the most. The Gauntlets, Infernos, Duels, Jungles, Gulags, and all the other labels used by BMP. Some are easy to remember, like “Johnny Bananas Backpack,” because fuck Johnny Devenanzio, that’s why. Others are better known for their aftermaths, like the time after an Inferno where Katie Doyle almost murdered Veronica Portillo with her bare hands. And some of them you may have forgotten. God knows I have, and I’m not hellbent on poring through every single endgame to pick the best. I don’t remember jack about Fresh Meat, but I know I would equate Wes Bergmann & Casey Cooper’s five Exile wins to Sarah Greyson’s five Gauntlets won. I adored Sarah way too much to compare her to the debuts of the Ginger Jackass and his whiny partner. Hopefully, I’ll be able to take the time to write about my fave endgames, and I hope you’ll enjoy them. Let’s start with The Gauntlet and the first-ever do-or-die challenge.

The Gauntlet: David Broom (Real World) vs. Sarah Greyson (Road Rules)

            The first-ever endgame was a no-win situation for me. You can ask my friend Clara about how disappointed I was, because she was nice enough to have me over, a tradition that carried over for several seasons.

            If David were a movie, he would’ve been a horror flick from the Fifties: The Ego That Walked Like A Man!!! He managed to alienate his roommates, make a fool of himself with his rapping and scatting, and sleep with about nineteen women during his stay in New Orleans. I think that’s a record; unlike the ribsy Teck Holmes[3] of the prior season, at least you’d get why women would be hot for David. By the time The Gauntlet rolled around, I was thinking of him as a human being. He was part of the peace talks in trying to keep Puck Rainey in Battle of the Sexes[4], and he had a thing going with crazy Ayanna Mackins prior to his elimination after four missions.

            On the flip side, I had no fucking clue why Sarah was doing this show. She was part of Road Rules: Campus Crawl, one of the worst seasons in the show’s history. Unlike her castmates, she wasn’t athletically gifted, and she wasn’t much into socializing with them. She would be voted off mid-seasons and replaced, and she wasn’t missed much. That probably explains why Rachel Robinson and Darrell Taylor were scheming to get rid of her from the start of The Gauntlet. Here’s their abridged talk:

Rachel: You got my back, right?

Darrell: Fiddy tye nye dicky do! But y’all know we gotta get ridda Sarah, right?[5]

Rachel: I know, right? She sucks so hard! She isn’t like me, a mediocre athlete who scares people with her muscles!

Darrell: (interview) Diddy die Sarah suck. She suck so hard. She suck all the live-long day. Tiddy tye tiddy toe, Sarah gotsta go!

            And then we’d get a flashback to the time Sarah almost killed herself running in a Citadel-based mission. She fell down twice that time and was sideline, and most of her castmates hated her for holding them back. Meanwhile, I emphasized with her, since the only other thing that got enough love on the Television Without Pity forums was not Kendal Sheppard, but her badass coat.

            Anyway . . . in the first mission, the 28 players had to endure a frigid pool with snakes in it for some reason. David was the first person out, and he’d get voted into the Gauntlet by his teammates. Sarah wasn’t hot on his heels . . . Laterrian Wallace (RR: Maximum Velocity Tour) was the first Road Rules player out. Sadly, the bulk of the team valued Laterrian (and his muscles) over Sarah, and she was thrust into the Gauntlet. Between the oft-put-upon chick and the reformed asshole, I knew things would suck either way.

            The first-ever endgame was a bit of an anticlimax. Since Real World won the mission, David got to roll a die, and he and Sarah were put into Dead Man’s Drop[6], where they had to hang from their legs on trapezes above the pool. David’s muscular physique worked against him, as he fell into the pool into elimination and trivia.

            Before leaving Telluride, something funny occurred with David. One of his roommates from New Orleans was making his debut . . . .Matt Smith[7], the ultra-white hipster doofus who had been his best bud. Matt had made the mistake of getting on the bad sides of teammates Tonya Cooley and Coral Smith (miss her so much), and David gave him advice. The amusing thing was that Matt had been trapped in his bed in most of the times where David was getting freaky with a woman nearby. The talk didn’t work . . . five missions later, Matt was sent into the Gauntlet, where he’d lose to Sarah. In Dead Man’s Drop. And now, because you've been such good boys and girls, I offer this . . . "Come On Be My Baby Tonight." You're welcome.

  

Next time: Coral gets revenge, Sarah endures more pain, and Steve gets swept away without so much a fond farewell.

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[1] The breakup was ugly. Like, Rachel Robinson saying “ugh-gah-lay!!!” after she was voted off Battleof the Sexes. I won’t go further that this, save that I still hold grudges. And the guy who replaced me and took the first few paragraphs to shit on my writing style? I got words for him.

[2] RememberBecky vs. Sundra in the final Tribal Council in Cook Islands? With Jeff Probst shouting “We’re going to matches”? That was awesome.

[3] Anytime I think of Teck, I imagine all the child support payments he has to make for all the half-black kids in Honolulu with scraggly bleached blonde hair. Nice guy, but he threw it around way too much.

[4] Short story: I think the fight between Puck and David Edwards was staged. In my head, BMP could only rustle up seven male RW alumni, so they brought in Puck, promising him a wedding to his baby mamma and a no-questions-asked departure halfway through the show. And David Edwards got to fake stirring up shit about getting spat in the face by Puck before leaving the show after the first mission. Otherwise, human beings were acting the way they were acting . . . and that would be depressing as fuck.

[5] In my recaps and on forums, I’ve referred to Darrell as “Pootie Tang.” Lest you think I’m racist, the man coined the phrases “infuorno,” “poorlest” and “non-flexibilist cat.” I think I was onto something back then.

[6] At the time, the game was known for being the second mission in Battle of the Sexes, climaxing with warrior goddess Ruthie checking her wristwatch while hanging, making sure she got a win for her fellow women.

[7] No, no, not the Matt Smith that got to play the lead in Doctor Who. No, this one was a little more alien-looking. He was so damn white, he didn’t need a lamp to read in bed.

Note #2: . .  . and apparently, Reality News Online also died a unlamented death, along with all the stuff I wrote with them. As much as I'd love to talk shit about the site, I'm more concerned whether to find all my material and repost it here . . . or if anybody would care.