This past May, I watched in horror as two jackasses – Eric Sanchez and Danielle Turner – won The Amazing Race All-Stars, completing one of the show’s most ill-conceived, ill-planned, and ill-cast seasons.
This past Sunday, I watched in amusement as donkeys stalled two of the more irritating teams in The Amazing Race 12, eliminating one of them in the process. Suddenly, the rampant pessimism I have for the show has mostly dissipated.
It’s not easy being a TAR fan. Survivor remains the gold standard for CBS; you know there will be two installments airing every season and on Thursday nights. By comparison, TAR gets shuffled around a lot. The last few seasons, it got run on Sunday nights. That doesn’t seem too bad, until the fall rolls around, and NFL games starts going past 7 p.m. Then you’d have to wait for that to end, they endure 60 Minutes before TAR starts up. Hell, it didn’t even make the schedule this season, as it got confined to limbo, waiting for a show to drop dead in order to fill the slot.
On Monday, October 22, CBS mercifully put a bullet into Viva Laughlin and announced that TAR’s twelfth season would air in its place. On Tuesday, the first promo was spotted on YouTube. On Wednesday, the cast was announced. Makes me wonder why Viva was scheduled in the first place, since even the dimmest of bulbs would know that a drama with singing and dancing wasn’t going to fly too far.
As much as I like TAR, I have to say that casting has been crap the last few seasons. Too many alpha male teams, too many female duos that looked too much alike, and so many headaches to be had. Even the all-star season led to second-guessing. For instances, should frat brothers Kevin O’Conner and Drew Feinberg, the heroes of the original edition, have run the race despite Drew being banged-up before he fell down in the first leg? Was it that important to cast the underachieving David & Mary Conley a second time? And as far as mixing and matching Racers, the producers could have done a lot better than Eric & Danielle, particularly since a. Danielle didn’t run well the last time (fourth eliminated with best friend Danni in the ninth season), and b. people in the know noted that Eric wasn’t that into girls in the first place. Put it another way: the biggest casting coup for the show was not bringing in Dick & Daniele Donato. The noxious father/daughter duo had applied for TAR, but wound up on Big Brother 8 instead, claiming to be “estranged.”
Of course, the casting for this season doesn’t look that flawless. For one thing, over half of the cast comes from California. There’s also a lot of dating couples, bringing back memories of the third season. They even had a gay guy/straight girl team in Ari & Staella that resembled the terminally bitchy Aaron & Arianne. If the Race had taken them somewhere warm, I would’ve been ready for Staella to go topless in a cab, screaming, “Girls gone wild!!” just as Arianne did in Mexico.
There are some nicely-baited hooks, though. Nicolas & Donald are the show’s first grandchild/grandparent team. Kate & Pat got the biggest double take from fans since they’re official label is “Married Minsters.” They’re both women, by the way. I can’t stop grinning anytime I think “Lesbian Ministers!” And yet, in the online promo, Kate called the show “a love letter to the planet.” So yes...I’m a fan. One team I’ve hated at first sight, however, are the goths...or should I say, “goths.” After the nightmare that was pseudo-hippie douchebags BJ & Tyler three seasons ago, my threshold for phonies is pretty damn low. When I saw the “goths” in the promo, the guy called the girl “Vixen,” and I figured, “I bet she spells it with a ‘Y’.” I was wrong...she spells it “Vyxsin.” And his name is “Kynt.” And they showed up to the starting line in pink tops with black stripes, like they were caught in an explosion at Hot Topic. And their introductory footage had them frolicking in a cemetery. And they make comments like how they’re “gothic Energizer bunnies” and “Oh my goth!” Either they’re the biggest phonies this show has ever had, or the goth scene in Louisville is unbelievably weak.
Another concern I have is more about the long-term: piss-poor leg planning. Too many sponsor shoutouts and needle-in-haystack tasks are aggravating to watch. So far, we’ve gotten one quirky Roadblock (one Racer rides a bicycle on a high wire almost 200 feet over the North Atlantic while the other sits below, suspended by the bike) and a task where teams have to take peat, load it onto donkeys, and go to the next route marker. Anytime you bring in animals on this show, whether it be gentle orangutans, mine-sniffing rodents or noisy camels, you have the makings of a party.
It was at that time where two donkeys, sent from the heavens, decided to stall. The first halted on Ari & Staella, even as Ari threatened to cut into the beast of burden and eat it. The other slowed down on Jennifer & Nathan, one of the dating teams. Their deal is that he more or less cheated on her, and there’s lots of tension between them. In other words, a Top 3 team, guaranteed. But they couldn’t handle their ass, and team after team whizzed by them and Ari & Staella. In the history of TAR, there’s never been a team that went out first which would have been a problem for viewers in future episodes. We had teams that invoked indifference (Matt & Ana, John & Scott), nice teams that seemed ill-prepared for the long haul (Gina & Sylvia, Debra & Steve, the Black family), and teams whose early departures were a crying shame (Deidre & Hillary, Avi & Joe, Ryan & Chuck, Bilal & Sa’eed, John Vito & Jill), but never an appalling team. And yet, here were two of the stubbornest donkeys around, honking and braying their respective teams into oblivion. I have to say, it was awesome.
Eventually, Jennifer & Nathan managed to get their donkey moving and finish tenth. Ari & Staella, on the other hand (or hoof), got the first elimination. Maybe this is an omen for the remainder of the season. Maybe it’s just pure luck that events shook out the way they did. But as Survivor: China staggers to what will probably be an unsatisfactory conclusion, The Amazing Race has gotten off to a great start. Here's hoping the jackasses that walk on two legs don't screw it up.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
TAR Stars: Loathing & More Loathing
“What if.” That’s the most annoying and haunting question anybody can ask. You wonder if you should have zigged instead of zagged, gone down instead of up. For The Amazing Race: All-Stars, you can’t help but to ask that question over and over.
What if John Vito and Jill had better navigational skills? What if Drew didn’t fall down and go boom? Better yet, since he had gotten injured in a fight where he works as a court officer, what if the producers had the chance to replace him and Kevin with a healthy, popular team?
What if David & Mary weren’t a television exec’s dream come true, two Kentuckians going into the world for the first team. What if Rob & Amber hadn’t had the leg from hell, breaking their lucky streak in Argentina? What if Uchenna & Joyce had played conservatively in leaving Poland, not going for broke when they had a lead? What if Oswald & Danny had elected to make the noodles instead of going for the nostalgia trip with the dragon drum?
Most importantly, what if producers Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri decided not to cast two people who had originally race as parts of separate teams? Well, we probably would have been spared one of the most depressing endings in the history of The Amazing Race.
You can probably imagine the mood at TARCon as Eric & Danielle arrive on the mat for the win. Save for a few wiseasses, I don’t think anybody wanted those two to triumph. Like I said before, I would rather have wanted beauty queens Dustin & Kandice to win, or Charla & Mirna. How upset was I? While venting to my camera, I actually said that I would have wanted Ramber to have won. And I said that with a straight face.
And how did the Stink and the Pink pull off the win? By winning one of the dumbest tasks created since a mere deep dish Chicago pizza stood in the way of Freddy and Kendra’s million bucks. One person from each team would answer four questions on what they thought of other racers, then enter numbers into an electronic safe. Then the other person would look at the questions and try to guess the combination. And Danielle finally does something right for once, as she get the combination before the others could. Next thing I know, Phil’s congratulating Stink & Pink, and butthead Jeremy’s giving his boy Eric love over the phone. I responded the only way I knew how: lots of booing and a middle finger. I don’t care if it was immature. So is Eric.
In the end, Eric & Danielle will go down as one of the luckier teams in the show’s history. They are the first pair to win only one leg en route to total victory. All this with Eric treating Danielle like crap more than half the time. Even worse, in an “Elimination Station” interview on CBS.com, John Vito & Jill were happy with the end result, because Danielle is from Staten Island like them. First of all, I’m from Staten Island (or “The Rock,” as JV calls it), and I sure as hell wasn’t happy. Secondly, if JVJ had faced Eric & Danielle in any event, they probably would have smoked the Stink and the Pink. If you’ve seen Jill on TAR3, you know exactly what I mean. That girl was all but fearless going through four continents. One time, she fell down and didn’t even give herself time to go “boom” before picking herself up and running. Basically, Danielle is the anti-Jill. And John Vito cannot tell me that he would be applauding Eric and not think, “Man, I can take this guy. I really, really could.” To think...of all the Islanders to get on reality shows, the good (JVJ and Drew, Nitro G, Stacy Carmona from Murder In Small Town X) and the bad (Island-born Nathan from Survivor: Cook Islands, Danni from my alumnus Wagner College, the various guidos from both of MTV’s True Life episodes based on the Island)...and Danielle was the first to win? Damn.
Eric & Danielle entered TAR as losers, and they leave as losers with $1 million between them. They have confirmed that they are no longer a couple, which means that Danielle is free to date guidos from Staten Island, and Eric is free to date...guidos from Staten Island. Hey, I’ve heard stuff about his preferences. I did laugh at one forum poster who were torn as to what Eric would buy with his share of the money: two $250,000 hookers, or 250,000 $2 hookers. Mean? Yes. Sick? Probably. But if it helps me through to the start of TAR12, I won’t mind
.
That’s all for the venting. Next time, I’ll go over the pomp and circumstance of TARCon, the best way for me to take the pain away.
What if John Vito and Jill had better navigational skills? What if Drew didn’t fall down and go boom? Better yet, since he had gotten injured in a fight where he works as a court officer, what if the producers had the chance to replace him and Kevin with a healthy, popular team?
What if David & Mary weren’t a television exec’s dream come true, two Kentuckians going into the world for the first team. What if Rob & Amber hadn’t had the leg from hell, breaking their lucky streak in Argentina? What if Uchenna & Joyce had played conservatively in leaving Poland, not going for broke when they had a lead? What if Oswald & Danny had elected to make the noodles instead of going for the nostalgia trip with the dragon drum?
Most importantly, what if producers Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri decided not to cast two people who had originally race as parts of separate teams? Well, we probably would have been spared one of the most depressing endings in the history of The Amazing Race.
You can probably imagine the mood at TARCon as Eric & Danielle arrive on the mat for the win. Save for a few wiseasses, I don’t think anybody wanted those two to triumph. Like I said before, I would rather have wanted beauty queens Dustin & Kandice to win, or Charla & Mirna. How upset was I? While venting to my camera, I actually said that I would have wanted Ramber to have won. And I said that with a straight face.
And how did the Stink and the Pink pull off the win? By winning one of the dumbest tasks created since a mere deep dish Chicago pizza stood in the way of Freddy and Kendra’s million bucks. One person from each team would answer four questions on what they thought of other racers, then enter numbers into an electronic safe. Then the other person would look at the questions and try to guess the combination. And Danielle finally does something right for once, as she get the combination before the others could. Next thing I know, Phil’s congratulating Stink & Pink, and butthead Jeremy’s giving his boy Eric love over the phone. I responded the only way I knew how: lots of booing and a middle finger. I don’t care if it was immature. So is Eric.
In the end, Eric & Danielle will go down as one of the luckier teams in the show’s history. They are the first pair to win only one leg en route to total victory. All this with Eric treating Danielle like crap more than half the time. Even worse, in an “Elimination Station” interview on CBS.com, John Vito & Jill were happy with the end result, because Danielle is from Staten Island like them. First of all, I’m from Staten Island (or “The Rock,” as JV calls it), and I sure as hell wasn’t happy. Secondly, if JVJ had faced Eric & Danielle in any event, they probably would have smoked the Stink and the Pink. If you’ve seen Jill on TAR3, you know exactly what I mean. That girl was all but fearless going through four continents. One time, she fell down and didn’t even give herself time to go “boom” before picking herself up and running. Basically, Danielle is the anti-Jill. And John Vito cannot tell me that he would be applauding Eric and not think, “Man, I can take this guy. I really, really could.” To think...of all the Islanders to get on reality shows, the good (JVJ and Drew, Nitro G, Stacy Carmona from Murder In Small Town X) and the bad (Island-born Nathan from Survivor: Cook Islands, Danni from my alumnus Wagner College, the various guidos from both of MTV’s True Life episodes based on the Island)...and Danielle was the first to win? Damn.
Eric & Danielle entered TAR as losers, and they leave as losers with $1 million between them. They have confirmed that they are no longer a couple, which means that Danielle is free to date guidos from Staten Island, and Eric is free to date...guidos from Staten Island. Hey, I’ve heard stuff about his preferences. I did laugh at one forum poster who were torn as to what Eric would buy with his share of the money: two $250,000 hookers, or 250,000 $2 hookers. Mean? Yes. Sick? Probably. But if it helps me through to the start of TAR12, I won’t mind
.
That’s all for the venting. Next time, I’ll go over the pomp and circumstance of TARCon, the best way for me to take the pain away.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Countdown to TARCon
"It could be worse."
This is what I keep thinking. I’m heading to TARCon tomorrow night, where the diehard fans of The Amazing Race convene for the season finale, and I keep thinking that, over and over, a mantra to keep away the thought of another dismal finish. Through crappy eliminations, poorly-planned legs, and Danielle’s barely concealed cleavage, I keep thinking: "It could be worse."
With the exception of Survivor: Fiji, The Amazing Race: All-Stars is a better reality show to watch than anything else. The Apprentice? Totally irrelevant at this point. American Idol? Hijacked by a voting bloc dedicated to keeping the less-talented in contention. Dancing With The Stars? I don’t follow that, but the phone voting raises the same questions as AI, especially with Master P – a rapper with all the mobility of a tree – lasting a few episodes too long two seasons back. The Real World: Denver? Fighting, fornicating, and the biggest psycho ever seen in the form of Brooke. Road Rules: Viewers Revenge? If I get started on that show and the all-new, all-ugly Axis of Ass, I will never stop. So yeah...even at its worse, The Amazing Race is still the superior reality program to watch.
The finale still has the prospect of being very painful. We start with Charla & Mirna, the quarreling cousins. These two hail from the show’s fifth season, where the producers went for broke and gave viewers enough gaudy contestants to get viewers’ attention, like beauty queens and a Big Brother runner-up with her dummy boyfriend. The big draw of Charla & Mirna was Charla being a little person. They performed well enough in TAR5, securing several second-place finishes before their elimination. The big problem wasn’t Charla’s height, but the space between Mirna’s ears. Sadly, these two haven’t improved much in their second go-round, starting with three straight eighth-place finishes before they managed to catch fire. Mirna still seems intent on making everybody miserable, she still puts on broken accents, and she still insists on being pushy to everybody she meets. As much as people adore Charla, they seem oblivious to her not being much better than her kooky cousin. There’s Mirna putting the squeeze on an airline agent...and there’s Charla underneath the desk. The cousins (or "Charla & Snarla," as I like to think of them) have gotten too lucky for too long...and yet, they’re a far better alternative as winners than the next team.
Meet Eric & Danielle. In the ninth season, Eric was running with best buddy Jeremy, while Danielle floundered and faltered with Danni. Apparently, Eric’s juvenile flirting rubbed off on Danielle, and they became a couple...an ugly, loud, eyeroll-inducing couple. These two are the latest in a very long line of racing couples that bicker and nag at each other while going deeper and deeper into the race. Eric hasn’t evolved at all from his first season, he doesn’t seem to be in sync with his partner, and he takes things too seriously. When they were Yielded by Dustin & Kandice, he got pissy, calling them "dirty pirate hookers." Ron Burgandy, this idiot isn’t. He pitched a similar fit when they were Yielded later, this time by Oswald & Danny. From what I heard, his biggest rant didn’t make the cut on television, but it was very ugly. Danielle races and acts as well as she did the first time: poorly, and with barely-covered breasts. Worse yet, she’s from my home borough of Staten Island, which has yet to field a winner in any reality show. Sadly, Danielle is closer to that goal than John Vito & Jill, the darling and hot team from TAR3 who displayed the same sense of direction as in their first go-round, getting eliminated first this season. Nine times out of ten, Jill would hand Danielle her ass on a platter, but I guess we’ll never see my hypothesis tested.
By process of elimination, I feel the need to root for beauty queens Dustin & Kandice, who placed fourth in TAR10. Back then, they raced competently enough that Phil Keoghan kept bugging them about their chances for becoming the first all-female team to win the race. They wound up placing behind Lyn & Karlyn, two women who had zero business finishing third. Then again, if that didn’t happen, they wouldn’t have gotten an invite to appear on The Early Show, they wouldn’t have come to TARCon with several older women in their entourage, and I wouldn’t have seen at least one of them rock out to "Sweet Home Alabama" playing on the jukebox. Anyway, both teams feuded, and the beauty queens kept calling their rivals the "sistas." Ugly? Sure...but I figured maybe Lyn & Karlyn reminded the queens of the fellas who raped Andy in The Shawshank Redemption. This season, Dustin & Kandice have raced well enough with a few bobbles here and there. Why root for them? They have four leg wins (to two from Charla & Mirna and zlich from Stink & Pink), they race competently enough, and I finally found a mnemonic to tell them apart (Kandice: girlier name, curlier hair). Sure, the "all-female" title was taken by the winners of the inaugural season of The Amazing Race: Asia, but I’d put my money on the beauty queens.
As you can tell, I just want this season to be over...and even then, I’m dreading CBS dropping an "America’s Choice" fan vote, where the overhyped and overrated get big money (lookin’ at you, Rupert). Sure, the good moments weren’t that many (Ramber’s colossal flameout, Charla in knight’s armor falling down twice, any moment with Oswald & Danny where they weren’t sweating a task). Yeah, this season couldn’t really be called "the best of the best," especially with David & Mary and a banged-up Drew running. And the redemption of teams of Team Guido and Teri & Ian got cut off as they got eliminated (as least the Guidos get to take part in the celebration this time, instead of being stranded some 4,000 miles away). In summary, this won’t go down as the best season in the show’s history. Heck, some folks actually consider it to be the worse.
So why am I pumped up for this show? Because my aderaline gets pumping watching every week. Because I learn new stuff at every location shown. Because I end up caring who stays in the game and who gets eliminated. Because Phil Keoghan kicks the ass of every other reality show host. And because thanks to TARCon, I know that I’ll never be alone in watching this show and taking it too seriously. No matter who wins tomorrow night, I know that I’ll have fun either way.
This is what I keep thinking. I’m heading to TARCon tomorrow night, where the diehard fans of The Amazing Race convene for the season finale, and I keep thinking that, over and over, a mantra to keep away the thought of another dismal finish. Through crappy eliminations, poorly-planned legs, and Danielle’s barely concealed cleavage, I keep thinking: "It could be worse."
With the exception of Survivor: Fiji, The Amazing Race: All-Stars is a better reality show to watch than anything else. The Apprentice? Totally irrelevant at this point. American Idol? Hijacked by a voting bloc dedicated to keeping the less-talented in contention. Dancing With The Stars? I don’t follow that, but the phone voting raises the same questions as AI, especially with Master P – a rapper with all the mobility of a tree – lasting a few episodes too long two seasons back. The Real World: Denver? Fighting, fornicating, and the biggest psycho ever seen in the form of Brooke. Road Rules: Viewers Revenge? If I get started on that show and the all-new, all-ugly Axis of Ass, I will never stop. So yeah...even at its worse, The Amazing Race is still the superior reality program to watch.
The finale still has the prospect of being very painful. We start with Charla & Mirna, the quarreling cousins. These two hail from the show’s fifth season, where the producers went for broke and gave viewers enough gaudy contestants to get viewers’ attention, like beauty queens and a Big Brother runner-up with her dummy boyfriend. The big draw of Charla & Mirna was Charla being a little person. They performed well enough in TAR5, securing several second-place finishes before their elimination. The big problem wasn’t Charla’s height, but the space between Mirna’s ears. Sadly, these two haven’t improved much in their second go-round, starting with three straight eighth-place finishes before they managed to catch fire. Mirna still seems intent on making everybody miserable, she still puts on broken accents, and she still insists on being pushy to everybody she meets. As much as people adore Charla, they seem oblivious to her not being much better than her kooky cousin. There’s Mirna putting the squeeze on an airline agent...and there’s Charla underneath the desk. The cousins (or "Charla & Snarla," as I like to think of them) have gotten too lucky for too long...and yet, they’re a far better alternative as winners than the next team.
Meet Eric & Danielle. In the ninth season, Eric was running with best buddy Jeremy, while Danielle floundered and faltered with Danni. Apparently, Eric’s juvenile flirting rubbed off on Danielle, and they became a couple...an ugly, loud, eyeroll-inducing couple. These two are the latest in a very long line of racing couples that bicker and nag at each other while going deeper and deeper into the race. Eric hasn’t evolved at all from his first season, he doesn’t seem to be in sync with his partner, and he takes things too seriously. When they were Yielded by Dustin & Kandice, he got pissy, calling them "dirty pirate hookers." Ron Burgandy, this idiot isn’t. He pitched a similar fit when they were Yielded later, this time by Oswald & Danny. From what I heard, his biggest rant didn’t make the cut on television, but it was very ugly. Danielle races and acts as well as she did the first time: poorly, and with barely-covered breasts. Worse yet, she’s from my home borough of Staten Island, which has yet to field a winner in any reality show. Sadly, Danielle is closer to that goal than John Vito & Jill, the darling and hot team from TAR3 who displayed the same sense of direction as in their first go-round, getting eliminated first this season. Nine times out of ten, Jill would hand Danielle her ass on a platter, but I guess we’ll never see my hypothesis tested.
By process of elimination, I feel the need to root for beauty queens Dustin & Kandice, who placed fourth in TAR10. Back then, they raced competently enough that Phil Keoghan kept bugging them about their chances for becoming the first all-female team to win the race. They wound up placing behind Lyn & Karlyn, two women who had zero business finishing third. Then again, if that didn’t happen, they wouldn’t have gotten an invite to appear on The Early Show, they wouldn’t have come to TARCon with several older women in their entourage, and I wouldn’t have seen at least one of them rock out to "Sweet Home Alabama" playing on the jukebox. Anyway, both teams feuded, and the beauty queens kept calling their rivals the "sistas." Ugly? Sure...but I figured maybe Lyn & Karlyn reminded the queens of the fellas who raped Andy in The Shawshank Redemption. This season, Dustin & Kandice have raced well enough with a few bobbles here and there. Why root for them? They have four leg wins (to two from Charla & Mirna and zlich from Stink & Pink), they race competently enough, and I finally found a mnemonic to tell them apart (Kandice: girlier name, curlier hair). Sure, the "all-female" title was taken by the winners of the inaugural season of The Amazing Race: Asia, but I’d put my money on the beauty queens.
As you can tell, I just want this season to be over...and even then, I’m dreading CBS dropping an "America’s Choice" fan vote, where the overhyped and overrated get big money (lookin’ at you, Rupert). Sure, the good moments weren’t that many (Ramber’s colossal flameout, Charla in knight’s armor falling down twice, any moment with Oswald & Danny where they weren’t sweating a task). Yeah, this season couldn’t really be called "the best of the best," especially with David & Mary and a banged-up Drew running. And the redemption of teams of Team Guido and Teri & Ian got cut off as they got eliminated (as least the Guidos get to take part in the celebration this time, instead of being stranded some 4,000 miles away). In summary, this won’t go down as the best season in the show’s history. Heck, some folks actually consider it to be the worse.
So why am I pumped up for this show? Because my aderaline gets pumping watching every week. Because I learn new stuff at every location shown. Because I end up caring who stays in the game and who gets eliminated. Because Phil Keoghan kicks the ass of every other reality show host. And because thanks to TARCon, I know that I’ll never be alone in watching this show and taking it too seriously. No matter who wins tomorrow night, I know that I’ll have fun either way.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
TAR Stars: Frats All, Folks
Q. What's worse that watching one of your favorite teams become the first team eliminated?
A. Watching one of your favorite teams get eliminated in one extremely painful episode.
Back during TAR1, Kevin & Drew were the "it" team of the season. Yeah, Rob & Brennan seemed nice, and Frank & Margarita's relationship made for compelling drama, but the Frats were funny, savy and successful. Their feud with Team Guido felt like a battle between good and evil, right up until their final fight in the streets of Beijing, where the Guidos pulled victory from the jaws of defeat. At that time, TAR fans figured there couldn't be a worse elimination scene.
Cut to last Sunday. Drew had fallen down in the previous leg. He suffered altitude sickness, requiring oxygen treatment during the twelve-hour eat/sleep/mingle period. There was a report that Drew had been hurt in his job as a court officer when he got involved in a brawl. So there he is at the pit stop mat, walking away from Phil as the host was ready to drop the elimination boot. All Drew wanted was something to cover his head. Given the two legs he and Kevin had run, he might have wanted a paper bag instead.
In the last few weeks, the TAR-based threads on Television Without Pity's forums have been peppered with cries of "Why did they go on the show if Drew wasn't healthy?" and "I never saw the first season...what did people see in these jokers?" I can forgive those posters...TAR1 was a great time, and I can't recommend getting the DVD enough, even if it means waiting until it was half-off like I did. But as the Frats tried to claw their way to the middle of an increasingly dysfunctional pack, they shot themselves in the foot. The worst part was Kevin driving 40 kilometers per hour. That wasn't so bad, but they had missed the sign saying that they could increase their speed. While other teams whizzed past them, the Frats were sizing them up for time penalties. The worst part was the editors going back to a "50 kph" sign over and over. It's a tact used to make teams look stupid, and it's like hitting a bad puppy with a rolled-up newspaper. Except...it's the Frats getting smacked. That just feels wrong to me. I'm biased as hell towards the Frats, so I can never be impartial.
Since I hate myself, I watched Lynn & Alex's commentary on Reality Remix. They were outraged...OUTRAGED!...that Drew walked away. Along with host Kennedy (yeah, she's still around), they bayed for Drew to show some respect. At the end of the segment, they pointed out how Kevin & Drew cheated on the Roadblock. "When you cheat and lose," one of them snarked, "you suck!" I agree, but I have a few corrections:
1. The Roadblock was performed by Kevin, not Kevin & Drew.
2. Kevin didn't intentionally cheat...when Mary gave her answer to the guy handing out the clues, she actually said the correct answer out loud. The thing with Mary is that neither she nor husband David are smart Racers. While I argue with the notion that they are to TAR what Rupert Boneham was to Survivor, I agree that these two should never have been invited back.
3. Lynn & Alex couldn't carry Drew's jock. They're scumbags. They all but accused Amber of having anorexia, and now they're praising Ramber's racing skills. Are they hypocrites, or are they following orders since Ramber has a show on Fox Reality? They gave shit to the lovely organizers of TARCon. And the worst offense? I heard they made fun of Carissa Gaghan trying to hold back the tears when her family got eliminated in TAR8. And now they're misrepresenting what happened just to be vicious. I'd tell them both to go to hell, but since they're on Fox Reality, I'd say they're already there.
Wow...I guess I disagreed with the analysis after all.
I have the right to be cranky. Not only did I see another nice team go, but now Danielle is the only Staten Islander left...and she didn't deserve to be running in the first place. Also, David & Mary continue to suck, Mirna is back to being a shrill harpy, and even Charla had a huge fit. Over what? I don't remember. All I remember was they were following a cab, Dustin & Kandice were following them, and next thing I know, Charla and Mirna are screaming at the cabbie and genuflecting like crazy. If they're not out in the next two episodes, I will be shocked.
And yes, freakin' Ramber won another leg...I think they're the first team to win the first two legs. On the bright side, Oswald & Danny finished a strong second again. A few weeks ago, I pointed out how players who won all-star editions of Big Brother and Survivor hailed from the second seasons of their respective shows. Now chew on this: Kevin & Drew were fan favorites from the first season of TAR, and they were the second team eliminated. Rudy Boesch was the fan favorite of the original Survivor, and he was the second person eliminated. Hey, with my two favorite teams gone, I have to take whatever joy I can get.
A. Watching one of your favorite teams get eliminated in one extremely painful episode.
Back during TAR1, Kevin & Drew were the "it" team of the season. Yeah, Rob & Brennan seemed nice, and Frank & Margarita's relationship made for compelling drama, but the Frats were funny, savy and successful. Their feud with Team Guido felt like a battle between good and evil, right up until their final fight in the streets of Beijing, where the Guidos pulled victory from the jaws of defeat. At that time, TAR fans figured there couldn't be a worse elimination scene.
Cut to last Sunday. Drew had fallen down in the previous leg. He suffered altitude sickness, requiring oxygen treatment during the twelve-hour eat/sleep/mingle period. There was a report that Drew had been hurt in his job as a court officer when he got involved in a brawl. So there he is at the pit stop mat, walking away from Phil as the host was ready to drop the elimination boot. All Drew wanted was something to cover his head. Given the two legs he and Kevin had run, he might have wanted a paper bag instead.
In the last few weeks, the TAR-based threads on Television Without Pity's forums have been peppered with cries of "Why did they go on the show if Drew wasn't healthy?" and "I never saw the first season...what did people see in these jokers?" I can forgive those posters...TAR1 was a great time, and I can't recommend getting the DVD enough, even if it means waiting until it was half-off like I did. But as the Frats tried to claw their way to the middle of an increasingly dysfunctional pack, they shot themselves in the foot. The worst part was Kevin driving 40 kilometers per hour. That wasn't so bad, but they had missed the sign saying that they could increase their speed. While other teams whizzed past them, the Frats were sizing them up for time penalties. The worst part was the editors going back to a "50 kph" sign over and over. It's a tact used to make teams look stupid, and it's like hitting a bad puppy with a rolled-up newspaper. Except...it's the Frats getting smacked. That just feels wrong to me. I'm biased as hell towards the Frats, so I can never be impartial.
Since I hate myself, I watched Lynn & Alex's commentary on Reality Remix. They were outraged...OUTRAGED!...that Drew walked away. Along with host Kennedy (yeah, she's still around), they bayed for Drew to show some respect. At the end of the segment, they pointed out how Kevin & Drew cheated on the Roadblock. "When you cheat and lose," one of them snarked, "you suck!" I agree, but I have a few corrections:
1. The Roadblock was performed by Kevin, not Kevin & Drew.
2. Kevin didn't intentionally cheat...when Mary gave her answer to the guy handing out the clues, she actually said the correct answer out loud. The thing with Mary is that neither she nor husband David are smart Racers. While I argue with the notion that they are to TAR what Rupert Boneham was to Survivor, I agree that these two should never have been invited back.
3. Lynn & Alex couldn't carry Drew's jock. They're scumbags. They all but accused Amber of having anorexia, and now they're praising Ramber's racing skills. Are they hypocrites, or are they following orders since Ramber has a show on Fox Reality? They gave shit to the lovely organizers of TARCon. And the worst offense? I heard they made fun of Carissa Gaghan trying to hold back the tears when her family got eliminated in TAR8. And now they're misrepresenting what happened just to be vicious. I'd tell them both to go to hell, but since they're on Fox Reality, I'd say they're already there.
Wow...I guess I disagreed with the analysis after all.
I have the right to be cranky. Not only did I see another nice team go, but now Danielle is the only Staten Islander left...and she didn't deserve to be running in the first place. Also, David & Mary continue to suck, Mirna is back to being a shrill harpy, and even Charla had a huge fit. Over what? I don't remember. All I remember was they were following a cab, Dustin & Kandice were following them, and next thing I know, Charla and Mirna are screaming at the cabbie and genuflecting like crazy. If they're not out in the next two episodes, I will be shocked.
And yes, freakin' Ramber won another leg...I think they're the first team to win the first two legs. On the bright side, Oswald & Danny finished a strong second again. A few weeks ago, I pointed out how players who won all-star editions of Big Brother and Survivor hailed from the second seasons of their respective shows. Now chew on this: Kevin & Drew were fan favorites from the first season of TAR, and they were the second team eliminated. Rudy Boesch was the fan favorite of the original Survivor, and he was the second person eliminated. Hey, with my two favorite teams gone, I have to take whatever joy I can get.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
TAR Stars: The First Cut Is The Deepest
Happier times: JVJ & Me, TARCon4 (2003)While I was writing my post on Sunday, I was aware that something could go wrong with the first episode of The Amazing Race: All-Stars. In each season, there's never a team that you knew you could do without. We had somewhat blah pairs (Matt & Ana, Scott & John), nice folks who probably would've been toast if they lasted longer (Deidre & Hillary, Gina & Sylvia, Debra & Steve), and fun duos whose absence in subsequent legs made their seasons a little less fun (Avi & Joe, Ryan & Chuck, Vipul & Arti). Also, there were Dennis & Erika (the formerly engaged couple, she liked to skydive naked), the Black Family of Family Edition (perhaps the most unfortunately surrnamed team in reality show history) and Bilal & Sae'ed (cut out of TAR10 in the middle of the leg).
So there I was, painfully aware that a team I had liked in the past might be the first to be sent packing. I had the Frats, the Chas, the Guidos (had them to win) and Uchenna & Joyce (they did slay Ramber two years ago). The team that got eliminated first? Naturally, it was John Vito & Jill, the ones closest to me. And the worst part? They basically went out the same way as they did in their last outing
Here's the thing about JVJ: they showed strength in TAR3, as well as mental stability (looking at you, Flo), but they constantly bled time throughout the race. Some of it wasn't totally their fault, but they had lots of navigational problems. The biggest turning point came in the ninth leg. After finishing last in the previous episode, they went for the Fast Forward. You could see the wheels turning in their minds: Get the Fast Forward, win the leg, and don't worry about elimination for another two legs. Up until that point, there had never been back-to-back nonelimination legs.
JVJ broke off from the other four teams, hit a cabin in the Swiss Alps, and ate blocks of cheese to uncover the location of the Pit Stop. It seemed like everything was going to plan...until Flo & Zach got the break they needed when they didn't get eliminated. In the following leg, the teams went to Malaysia, JVJ struggled with the Detour, and couldn't catch up to Teri & Ian to the Pit Stop. As a result, JVJ got eliminated, and it was the start of the fall of TAR3...but that's another story.
Back to the current season: JVJ reached their bags first. They got to the ticket counter first, and they figured out that the flight that departed second would arrive in Ecucador first. At the end of the day, they managed to be in the front of the pack. Even better, in the "other teams talk about Rob & Amber" segment of the show, John Vito gave us this: "I've had enough of Rob & Amber, and I think that America may have also." As if I couldn't love the big fella any more than I already did.
The next day, the teams were let go in three groups, fifteen minutes apart. They had to go to Cotopaxi Park and make it to Hacienda Yanahurco...ideally at the north entrance. Rob & Amber and Oswald & Danny (the eventual top two teams for this leg) went for the same tact: speak Spanish and get taxis for themselves to follow. JVJ found a guy for him and Jill to follow. Eventually, JVJ finds out that they've been going the wrong way. While this is going on, every other team makes it to the park, and JVJ hit the south entrance. It came down to a race between JVJ and a struggling Kevin & Drew to not get eliminated...and since three people in there are Staten Islanders and proven fan favorites, I get depressed. If the editing is to be believed, the Frats managed to get to the Pit Stop before JVJ even got to the Detour. And just like that, my heart gets shattered every bit as bad as when they got eliminated the first time.
On Monday, I forced myself to watch Reality Remix, with commentary from unfunny and bitchy gay couple Lynn & Alex. They claimed that JVJ was the only team they didn't know about. So they knew who Teri & Ian were, but not JVJ? How does that work? They likened JVJ to the expendable slutty girl that gets killed off in horror movies. Then then declared that Kevin & Drew will be eliminated next, labelling them "the fat guys" and, according to Lynn, "they're going to roll themselves right off the track." As you can tell, I love to make myself suffer. Happily, the producers didn't want to punish their viewers by casting those twits, so they're stuck on Fox Reality where they belong.
It's been tough rooting for John Vito & Jill. First came the heart-breaking elimination in TAR3. Then came the news that they were no longer a couple. I mean, if the lovey-doviest couple around couldn't make it work, then what hope did the rest of us have? When I saw John Vito at TARCon9, I couldn't ask him for details. It wasn't any of my business, and I didn't have the stomach to ask if JV was dating Erika, or if he brought her to the party as a friend. And now, I have to settle for watching JVJ on "Elimination Station" on CBS.com, where viewers can check out eliminated teams as they're sequestered. Seeing them wander the grounds by themselves was painful to watch, and I'm pretty sure they're not going to become a couple again. It's like have a favorite aunt and uncle divorce; they're cool as singles, but you can't imagine them apart, and you wouldn't want to do that. As a heterosexual guy, I should be thrilled that Jill is on the market (as far as I know), but she looked so much better with John Vito than she would with me.
There was a lot more to the first episode, but I'm not in the mood to going over Rob & Amber coming out in front yet again, Teri & Ian finishing in the top three (something they needed eight legs to achieve on their own merits in TAR3), David & Mary freakin' fawning over Ramber and finishing behind eighth-place Charla & Mirna (didn't finish below fifth until their elimination in TAR5), and poor Drew getting banged up as he and Kevin finished in tenth. Right now, JVJ is gone, and The Amazing Race: All-Stars is poorer for it.
So there I was, painfully aware that a team I had liked in the past might be the first to be sent packing. I had the Frats, the Chas, the Guidos (had them to win) and Uchenna & Joyce (they did slay Ramber two years ago). The team that got eliminated first? Naturally, it was John Vito & Jill, the ones closest to me. And the worst part? They basically went out the same way as they did in their last outing
Here's the thing about JVJ: they showed strength in TAR3, as well as mental stability (looking at you, Flo), but they constantly bled time throughout the race. Some of it wasn't totally their fault, but they had lots of navigational problems. The biggest turning point came in the ninth leg. After finishing last in the previous episode, they went for the Fast Forward. You could see the wheels turning in their minds: Get the Fast Forward, win the leg, and don't worry about elimination for another two legs. Up until that point, there had never been back-to-back nonelimination legs.
JVJ broke off from the other four teams, hit a cabin in the Swiss Alps, and ate blocks of cheese to uncover the location of the Pit Stop. It seemed like everything was going to plan...until Flo & Zach got the break they needed when they didn't get eliminated. In the following leg, the teams went to Malaysia, JVJ struggled with the Detour, and couldn't catch up to Teri & Ian to the Pit Stop. As a result, JVJ got eliminated, and it was the start of the fall of TAR3...but that's another story.
Back to the current season: JVJ reached their bags first. They got to the ticket counter first, and they figured out that the flight that departed second would arrive in Ecucador first. At the end of the day, they managed to be in the front of the pack. Even better, in the "other teams talk about Rob & Amber" segment of the show, John Vito gave us this: "I've had enough of Rob & Amber, and I think that America may have also." As if I couldn't love the big fella any more than I already did.
The next day, the teams were let go in three groups, fifteen minutes apart. They had to go to Cotopaxi Park and make it to Hacienda Yanahurco...ideally at the north entrance. Rob & Amber and Oswald & Danny (the eventual top two teams for this leg) went for the same tact: speak Spanish and get taxis for themselves to follow. JVJ found a guy for him and Jill to follow. Eventually, JVJ finds out that they've been going the wrong way. While this is going on, every other team makes it to the park, and JVJ hit the south entrance. It came down to a race between JVJ and a struggling Kevin & Drew to not get eliminated...and since three people in there are Staten Islanders and proven fan favorites, I get depressed. If the editing is to be believed, the Frats managed to get to the Pit Stop before JVJ even got to the Detour. And just like that, my heart gets shattered every bit as bad as when they got eliminated the first time.
On Monday, I forced myself to watch Reality Remix, with commentary from unfunny and bitchy gay couple Lynn & Alex. They claimed that JVJ was the only team they didn't know about. So they knew who Teri & Ian were, but not JVJ? How does that work? They likened JVJ to the expendable slutty girl that gets killed off in horror movies. Then then declared that Kevin & Drew will be eliminated next, labelling them "the fat guys" and, according to Lynn, "they're going to roll themselves right off the track." As you can tell, I love to make myself suffer. Happily, the producers didn't want to punish their viewers by casting those twits, so they're stuck on Fox Reality where they belong.
It's been tough rooting for John Vito & Jill. First came the heart-breaking elimination in TAR3. Then came the news that they were no longer a couple. I mean, if the lovey-doviest couple around couldn't make it work, then what hope did the rest of us have? When I saw John Vito at TARCon9, I couldn't ask him for details. It wasn't any of my business, and I didn't have the stomach to ask if JV was dating Erika, or if he brought her to the party as a friend. And now, I have to settle for watching JVJ on "Elimination Station" on CBS.com, where viewers can check out eliminated teams as they're sequestered. Seeing them wander the grounds by themselves was painful to watch, and I'm pretty sure they're not going to become a couple again. It's like have a favorite aunt and uncle divorce; they're cool as singles, but you can't imagine them apart, and you wouldn't want to do that. As a heterosexual guy, I should be thrilled that Jill is on the market (as far as I know), but she looked so much better with John Vito than she would with me.
There was a lot more to the first episode, but I'm not in the mood to going over Rob & Amber coming out in front yet again, Teri & Ian finishing in the top three (something they needed eight legs to achieve on their own merits in TAR3), David & Mary freakin' fawning over Ramber and finishing behind eighth-place Charla & Mirna (didn't finish below fifth until their elimination in TAR5), and poor Drew getting banged up as he and Kevin finished in tenth. Right now, JVJ is gone, and The Amazing Race: All-Stars is poorer for it.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
The Return
I'm back. Not that anybody cares. Hell, I didn't care for the longest time. I never wanted to be somebody who would blog every day, regardless of how crappy I felt at the time.
I guess apathy played a huge part...I started this blog after I was tossed out by a certain reality-based website, and the need to recap faded away over time. Meanwhile, those really noxious ogres still chug along. When I read their yearly recap and saw they rated Will Kirby and Mike Malin over the likes of Survivor superstars Yul Kwon and Cirie Fields, I almost threw up. Then again, in last year's edition, not only did they not put Tom Westman -- the ass-kicking silver fox who dominated Survivor: Palau -- in their top 40 personalities list, they inserted Wanda Shirk. Remember her? Lasted about 36 hours on the show? So at least the dopes running the site are improving.
I've been keeping busy. For one thing, I'm freelancing for a free bimonthly magazine whose head honcho loves my work. Also, I'm gearing up for next weekend's New York Comic Con. You might have heard about their disasterous debut last year, when the fire marshall shut the place down for an hour or two, where people who had their tickets paid in advance were turned away, and where I found myself in a pissed-off mob, pressed against a wall, wondering if it was worth it to have gone to McDonald's before the proverbial fecal matter hit the fan. The good news is that there will be more room in the Javits Center to manuever. The potential bad news? The plans were made before folks like Stephen Colbert and Hayden Panettiere (Claire Bennet from Heroes) signed on. All it takes is for Masi Oka screaming "YATTA!" in a panel room, and everybody gets locked out again.
The real reason I'm writing is because the latest edition of The Amazing Race debuts tonight. This time, it's an "all-star" season, which doesn't bode well, given the past history of similar editons of established CBS shows. I'll ignore Big Brother, since that's the Special Olympics of the genre. Any show where a grown man who asks people to call him "Boogie" wins $500,000 is not that important. Survivor: All-Stars was crap from beginning to end, what with a naked Richard grinding on Susan's ass, Susan's subsequent freakout about it followed by her departure, and Amber and Rob taking on the likes of Jenna, Tom and Rupert. Look at those last three names. Do any of them strike you as the least bit intelligent? For me, the season peaked with Shii Ann holding off elimination by winning immunity, followed by her rubbing it in the other contestants' faces and calling them "stupid, stupid people" in an interview. Even if she wasn't the snarky "Shii Devil" I grew to love on Survivor: Thailand, I couldn't argue with her.
Anyway, it took months of speculation before the offical cast list was announced. It was like waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents, with Kevin & Drew represented by the Wii, while the likes of Eric & Danielle and Teri & Ian were the tube socks with premade holes. A lot of teams rumored to be in the race missed the cut, such as Kris & Jon (brightest spot of the abymisal TAR6), Kelly & Jon (rumored to have passed) and Dave & Lori (the nerds from TAR9). The biggest guns missing were Colin & Christie, since she was pregnant. Chip & Kim didn't get invited, provoking the usually mellow Chip to have a snit fit (justified in my opinion). Don't get me started on the exclusion of Ken & Gerard, two of the funniest guys who still had hair on their heads, fleeting as that may be.
So who do we have to contend with starting tonight? Let's run down the Racers...
Dustin & Kandice: Easily the strongest all-female team in the show's history. Sadly, these beauty queens were bratty last season, and I can't tell them apart unless they're wearing their "NY" and "CA" shirts.
David & Mary: Everybody's pick to be the first team eliminated. While their "rural couple meets new people" storyline was cute, their racing skills were very poor, and Mary had a tendacy to crack the whip on her husband. Also, I saw a clip on The Early Show where they're at an airport book store, and they freakin' fawn over Rob & Amber. Dammit, didn't Roise O'Donnell get you some dignity to go along with your new house?!?
Eric & Danielle: They're the weird "mixed" team, as Jeremy and Dani sit this one out. While Eric & Jeremy did a decent job in TAR9, I do remember that Danielle & Dani didn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of other teams. On the other hand, at least they got an invite that BJ & Tyler may have recieved instead.
Uchenna & Joyce: The only winning team racing this season. While they're very athletic and focused, it took a small reality show miracle for them to win TAR7, and that was probably the result of Joyce getting her head shaved in India for that to happen. If Ramber ends up getting eliminated, the pressure will be off this couple.
Rob & Amber: Why? Okay, they did dominate TAR7 with a vengeance, and they deserved the spot. But I am so tired of seeing them. I'm tired of hearing stuff like "reality royalty" to describe them. And I am tired of Rob bitching and whining about how he was robbed of a million bucks the last time. Guess what, Robby? Second place looks so good on you! Deal with it!
Charla & Mirna: Another team that gets in on "popularity." Look, I have no beef with Charla's lack of size. Problem is, she keeps going on about how she can do stuff normal people can, and doing stuff like biting into hundreds of chocolates to find one with a white center isn't my idea of normal. But Charla's even more lovable compared to her cousin, who had half of the teams in TAR5 ready to kill her at the drop of a hat. I did hear about a new strategy of theirs: Charla has those kiddie shoes with the wheels in them, and Mirna will drag her whenever possible. That alone would be worth seeing them in action.
Teri & Ian: What galls me about these two is the revisionist history CBS is willing to teach about these two. The official site on CBS.com calls them "one of the fan favorites from all the seasons of Race." Really? These two basically bickered their way through TAR3, lucked out in surviving each leg only when another team did worse, and managed to finish second, which was as big of a bummer as Flo & Zach winning. If I hear Ian yell "Time to hump!" or Teri break out the paper underwear, my head will make an appointment with the nearest wall.
John Vito & Jill: My people, and not just because I interviewed them way back in 2002. The team that didn't race well enough to thrive, but looked classy (and hot) doing it. However, these two are no longer a couple, and I'm not sure how that will affect them. All I hope for is that they remain civil to each other and to the other teams. And if they're still cool at the end and make the final episode, I might go to TARCon wearing the camo pants they love to sport.
Oswald & Danny: Better known as Team Cha-Cha-Cha, these fabulous gay guys ran TAR2 well, killing locals with kindness and managing to freak out their opponents with their zen-like racing tactics. Apparently, there was a falling out between the pair (not couple...never a couple), but they're back on good terms. They're probably going to bow out in the early going, but isn't that what some people thought the first that around? Besides, Amber came from the second season of Survivor and she won All-Stars, and Mike Malin also hailed from the second Big Brother...and Oswald & Danny are the only team from TAR2. Something to think about.
Joe & Bill: Am I crazy for thinking that "Team Guido" will win? I know they're the oldest team running this season, but their extensive travelling experience has to be an asset. With bunching more prevelant than in TAR1, the odds of a "Guido edit" (stranded in Alaska as the top two teams finished in New York) happening again are slim to none. Also, I don't think they'll be as evil as their first time out. I've met them a few times, and they don't seem to be mean-spirited and arrogant...as opposed to Richard Hatch, who's probably keeping that attitude up even in the slammer.
Kevin & Drew: The biggest "no-brainer" selection. The bald frat brothers parlayed their fame into guest spots on Rosie, their own reality show on the Discovery Channel (which I recapped), and handing out clues to teams on TAR8. These two weren't slouches in TAR1, winning three legs and staying in contention for most of the way. They're also responsible for some of the funniest lines in the show's history. I can't say how far they'll get this time around, but it should be a fun trip.
Hopefully, I'll get motivated enough to write about the new season as it runs. Also, I should go over my time at the NYCC, as well as the upcoming trip to The Colbert Report next Wednesday. Who knows...maybe I'll get to recapping the Challenge again. Yeah, right. Don't hold your breath on that.
I guess apathy played a huge part...I started this blog after I was tossed out by a certain reality-based website, and the need to recap faded away over time. Meanwhile, those really noxious ogres still chug along. When I read their yearly recap and saw they rated Will Kirby and Mike Malin over the likes of Survivor superstars Yul Kwon and Cirie Fields, I almost threw up. Then again, in last year's edition, not only did they not put Tom Westman -- the ass-kicking silver fox who dominated Survivor: Palau -- in their top 40 personalities list, they inserted Wanda Shirk. Remember her? Lasted about 36 hours on the show? So at least the dopes running the site are improving.
I've been keeping busy. For one thing, I'm freelancing for a free bimonthly magazine whose head honcho loves my work. Also, I'm gearing up for next weekend's New York Comic Con. You might have heard about their disasterous debut last year, when the fire marshall shut the place down for an hour or two, where people who had their tickets paid in advance were turned away, and where I found myself in a pissed-off mob, pressed against a wall, wondering if it was worth it to have gone to McDonald's before the proverbial fecal matter hit the fan. The good news is that there will be more room in the Javits Center to manuever. The potential bad news? The plans were made before folks like Stephen Colbert and Hayden Panettiere (Claire Bennet from Heroes) signed on. All it takes is for Masi Oka screaming "YATTA!" in a panel room, and everybody gets locked out again.
The real reason I'm writing is because the latest edition of The Amazing Race debuts tonight. This time, it's an "all-star" season, which doesn't bode well, given the past history of similar editons of established CBS shows. I'll ignore Big Brother, since that's the Special Olympics of the genre. Any show where a grown man who asks people to call him "Boogie" wins $500,000 is not that important. Survivor: All-Stars was crap from beginning to end, what with a naked Richard grinding on Susan's ass, Susan's subsequent freakout about it followed by her departure, and Amber and Rob taking on the likes of Jenna, Tom and Rupert. Look at those last three names. Do any of them strike you as the least bit intelligent? For me, the season peaked with Shii Ann holding off elimination by winning immunity, followed by her rubbing it in the other contestants' faces and calling them "stupid, stupid people" in an interview. Even if she wasn't the snarky "Shii Devil" I grew to love on Survivor: Thailand, I couldn't argue with her.
Anyway, it took months of speculation before the offical cast list was announced. It was like waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents, with Kevin & Drew represented by the Wii, while the likes of Eric & Danielle and Teri & Ian were the tube socks with premade holes. A lot of teams rumored to be in the race missed the cut, such as Kris & Jon (brightest spot of the abymisal TAR6), Kelly & Jon (rumored to have passed) and Dave & Lori (the nerds from TAR9). The biggest guns missing were Colin & Christie, since she was pregnant. Chip & Kim didn't get invited, provoking the usually mellow Chip to have a snit fit (justified in my opinion). Don't get me started on the exclusion of Ken & Gerard, two of the funniest guys who still had hair on their heads, fleeting as that may be.
So who do we have to contend with starting tonight? Let's run down the Racers...
Dustin & Kandice: Easily the strongest all-female team in the show's history. Sadly, these beauty queens were bratty last season, and I can't tell them apart unless they're wearing their "NY" and "CA" shirts.
David & Mary: Everybody's pick to be the first team eliminated. While their "rural couple meets new people" storyline was cute, their racing skills were very poor, and Mary had a tendacy to crack the whip on her husband. Also, I saw a clip on The Early Show where they're at an airport book store, and they freakin' fawn over Rob & Amber. Dammit, didn't Roise O'Donnell get you some dignity to go along with your new house?!?
Eric & Danielle: They're the weird "mixed" team, as Jeremy and Dani sit this one out. While Eric & Jeremy did a decent job in TAR9, I do remember that Danielle & Dani didn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of other teams. On the other hand, at least they got an invite that BJ & Tyler may have recieved instead.
Uchenna & Joyce: The only winning team racing this season. While they're very athletic and focused, it took a small reality show miracle for them to win TAR7, and that was probably the result of Joyce getting her head shaved in India for that to happen. If Ramber ends up getting eliminated, the pressure will be off this couple.
Rob & Amber: Why? Okay, they did dominate TAR7 with a vengeance, and they deserved the spot. But I am so tired of seeing them. I'm tired of hearing stuff like "reality royalty" to describe them. And I am tired of Rob bitching and whining about how he was robbed of a million bucks the last time. Guess what, Robby? Second place looks so good on you! Deal with it!
Charla & Mirna: Another team that gets in on "popularity." Look, I have no beef with Charla's lack of size. Problem is, she keeps going on about how she can do stuff normal people can, and doing stuff like biting into hundreds of chocolates to find one with a white center isn't my idea of normal. But Charla's even more lovable compared to her cousin, who had half of the teams in TAR5 ready to kill her at the drop of a hat. I did hear about a new strategy of theirs: Charla has those kiddie shoes with the wheels in them, and Mirna will drag her whenever possible. That alone would be worth seeing them in action.
Teri & Ian: What galls me about these two is the revisionist history CBS is willing to teach about these two. The official site on CBS.com calls them "one of the fan favorites from all the seasons of Race." Really? These two basically bickered their way through TAR3, lucked out in surviving each leg only when another team did worse, and managed to finish second, which was as big of a bummer as Flo & Zach winning. If I hear Ian yell "Time to hump!" or Teri break out the paper underwear, my head will make an appointment with the nearest wall.
John Vito & Jill: My people, and not just because I interviewed them way back in 2002. The team that didn't race well enough to thrive, but looked classy (and hot) doing it. However, these two are no longer a couple, and I'm not sure how that will affect them. All I hope for is that they remain civil to each other and to the other teams. And if they're still cool at the end and make the final episode, I might go to TARCon wearing the camo pants they love to sport.
Oswald & Danny: Better known as Team Cha-Cha-Cha, these fabulous gay guys ran TAR2 well, killing locals with kindness and managing to freak out their opponents with their zen-like racing tactics. Apparently, there was a falling out between the pair (not couple...never a couple), but they're back on good terms. They're probably going to bow out in the early going, but isn't that what some people thought the first that around? Besides, Amber came from the second season of Survivor and she won All-Stars, and Mike Malin also hailed from the second Big Brother...and Oswald & Danny are the only team from TAR2. Something to think about.
Joe & Bill: Am I crazy for thinking that "Team Guido" will win? I know they're the oldest team running this season, but their extensive travelling experience has to be an asset. With bunching more prevelant than in TAR1, the odds of a "Guido edit" (stranded in Alaska as the top two teams finished in New York) happening again are slim to none. Also, I don't think they'll be as evil as their first time out. I've met them a few times, and they don't seem to be mean-spirited and arrogant...as opposed to Richard Hatch, who's probably keeping that attitude up even in the slammer.
Kevin & Drew: The biggest "no-brainer" selection. The bald frat brothers parlayed their fame into guest spots on Rosie, their own reality show on the Discovery Channel (which I recapped), and handing out clues to teams on TAR8. These two weren't slouches in TAR1, winning three legs and staying in contention for most of the way. They're also responsible for some of the funniest lines in the show's history. I can't say how far they'll get this time around, but it should be a fun trip.
Hopefully, I'll get motivated enough to write about the new season as it runs. Also, I should go over my time at the NYCC, as well as the upcoming trip to The Colbert Report next Wednesday. Who knows...maybe I'll get to recapping the Challenge again. Yeah, right. Don't hold your breath on that.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Adventures in Baltimore
I don’t remember much about the vacation I took with my family to Baltimore in 1994. I recall my father was jazzed since one of his favorite shows – Homicide: Life On The Street – was set in Baltimore. I had gotten tickets to an Orioles game, but the players’ strike left us taking a tour of Orioles Park at Camden Yards instead, as well as a trip to Bowie to see the Bowie Baysox of the Eastern League. I’m pretty sure we went to the Inner Harbor a few times. And I recall buying Green Lantern #0 and Starman #0 while I was down there. I’m sure I got two other comics, but I can wait on figuring out what they were.
As you know, I live near New York City, home of DC and Marvel Comics. Up until this year, New York didn’t have a major comic convention. Then came the New York Comic Con, a three-day event that turned into a full-blown disaster, what with the limited space and the fire marshal shutting the Javits Center down for a few hours. I needed something meatier. San Diego? Too far and too expensive. Chicago? Ditto. Toronto? I’d have a free room with Stephen, but the airfare got jacked up, and a twelve-hour train ride would be a hassle. In the end, I went with Baltimore, which is where I’m writing this.
Actually, I’m in Linthicum, which is near the local airport. Even though I decided to drive down here, the shuttle service allowed access to the light rail system, which takes me to the convention center. Throw in a good deal ($89 per night), and I was sold.
Friday
After packing up, checking a few last things online and having a quick breakfast, I was off on my journey. Getting to Linthicum was mostly simple...just take the New Jersey Turnpike the whole way south, breeze past Delaware, and make a few turns. Happily, I didn’t get any major scares, although I did have to gas up twice. The second time was a little messed up, when a gas attendent was asking me about a runaway fugitive who was hiding in upstate New York. The guy had a thick accent and no front teeth. I don’t know what was scarier...that guy, or the price I had to pay for gas.
I ended up screwing up, making one wrong turn and getting a tour of suburban Linthicum. I finally lucked into a parking lot near the airport and I got good directions. After rolling around trying to right the right hotel, I found my destination.
The room is a beauty. Sure, I take a hit in terms of television choices, but so what? I have a refrigator, a microwave (which I won’t use) and an ethernet connection (which I can’t use). It’s a big room, and it should be comfy for tonight and tomorrow.
After unpacking, I took the shuttle service to the light rail, and proceeded to Camden Yards. I bought a Left Field Lower Box for $27, then entered the park. The place is about a decade old and it’s held up well. After getting a pork sandwich at Boog’s Bar-B-Q, I settled into my seat. There was one small problem....the Orioles were hosting the Yankees, and lots of their fans decided to make the trip south to basically act like idiots. Really, nothing’s as bad as a Yankee fan rubbing superiority in your face. There were lots of them in my section, and they were loud. It could have been worse...in another section, I saw four Yankee fans escorted out. Naturally, they were waving their arms, happy with getting the heave-ho.
Surprisingly, the second-rate Orioles actually kicked some ass. Melvin Mora hit a two-run homer than landed one section to my left in the first inning. The O’s tacked on five runs in the second inning – three driven in on a Jay Gibbons homer – and chased Cory Lidle out of the game. The Yankees got two runs in the third, and that was as dangerous as they got against Erik Bedard. The only dark spot was that Alex Rodriguez didn’t screw up in a major way...he went 1-for-3 with a sacrifice fly. Joe Torre ended up replacing most of the lineup with rookies in the last few innings, and Craig Wilson got a two-run homer off Brian Burres, who was pitching in his first game in the majors (2/3s of an inning, one strikeout), but Julio Manon got Thompson to fly out to left field for the final out. If only the drubbing shut up the Yankee fans.
I made it back to the airport, where I screwed up where I was supposed to way for the shuttle. I ended the night by getting dessert (animal crackers from a vending machine) and going online at the business office.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I have my sketchbook (29 entries so far), some references, and money. I’ve been told that the Baltimore Comic Con is mellower than the bigger cons. I’ll see for myself.
Addendum: In Camden Yards, they don’t play “God Bless America” in the middle of the seventh inning...they go with “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” I miss that. Also, when I got a hot dog inside the back, the average age of the folks working the stand had to be at least 65.
Saturday
It was deja vu all over again.
About 90 minutes into the Baltimore Comic Con, somebody pulled a fire alarm. Not quite the same as the overcrowded Javits Center in Feburary, but there I was, waiting outside the Baltimore Convention Center, waiting to get back in. On a surreal note, Lou Ferigno – the Incredible Hulk himself – was five feet from me. That wasn’t the weirdest comic con experience I had...that would be the Sofitel Hotel in Chicago back in 2001, when Kenny Baker (the fella inside R2-D2) asked me how my breakfast was.
I got the morning started right...the hotel offers a free contiential breakfast. The best part: making my own waffles. I’m serious about this. They have cups of batter laid out. You pour the stuff into one of two irons (either four little waffles or a single one), flip the iron over for two minutes, then flip it back, open up and enjoy. Very yummy. Wish I could say the same about the convention at first.
The con hit a discouraging note at first...a few artists I wanted sketches from were charging big bucks. One of my faves was asking for $100 for pencils, inks and shadowing. It would look great, but it was outside my price range. One hundred bucks here, $50 there, $75 with this guy...not good.
The convention is small compared to the big shows in San Diego, Chicago and Toronto. It’s kind of like the Big Apple Con, only better laid out and fewer z-list celebrities (no offense to Lori Petty, who will appear at the con next week. The rest? No apologies, guys). I recognized dealers by their layouts...I’ll never remember their names, but I can sniff out what I want, even though I left my list back at my room.
As for sketches, I got four today. Three were free, and I got the fourth for buying two comics. I’m not above paying, but my ceiling is usually $25, $50 if I really like the creator. I had gotten Marvel Comics villianess Nightshade from Bob Almond back in New York, so I hit up Bill Willingham for a quick head shot of Nightshade from Shadowpact, a DC Comics heroine. I also got sketches from Alex Robinson (Ray Beam from Tricked), Michael Avon Oeming (Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen), and Pop Mhan (Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist). My big day will come tomorrow, because I did something kinda stupid, yet totally cool.
There I was at a DC Comics panel, relaxing from the grind and listening to A-list talent (Mark Waid, Kurt Busiek, Willingham, JG Jones, George Perez, Marv Wolfman, and Barry Kitson). Dan Didio (DC’s vice president and executive editor) asked the creators which character they’d like to kill off. Kitson goes into a story about a villain who had smokestacks on his back and fishnet stockings. Yes, it was a male. Kitson couldn’t remember the character’s name...he knew who drew it and what title it was from, but he was stumped on the name. So he made the audience an offer: find the issue, get a free sketch. Cut to me in my seat, light bulb above my head.
After the panel, I talked to Kitson to confirm the details, then I went down two floors to the con floor. In a few minutes, I found the guy: Bloodthrist, from Superman: The Man Of Steel. Ugly sucker. I paid $1 for it, went to Kitson’s table, got on line, waited until he returned, and I showed it to him. Ding ding ding, I was the first person with the book. I would have gotten the sketch today, but he had people in front of me sketch-wise. At Kitson’s request, I showed the issue to Didio. His reaction?? “Holy shit!” and “I’d kill him, too.”
The rest of the day was eventful. I had dinner at the ESPN Zone, walked around and got lost, and made it back to the hotel after 10 p.m. I also walked around the Inner Harbor, which reminded me of South Street Seaport back home, with all the shops and restaurants, and the smell of seawater. Last time I was at the Seaport, I didn’t keep track of Yankee fans. Today, they were out in force, in full colors. I guess Baltimore is to them as Philadelphia is to Mets fans...a place that’s close enough to root for the visiting team.
All in all, it was a good day...and I got at least five people who noticed my “The Fake News Is All I Need” t-shirt that I got in the mail from Glarkware on Thursday. I’ll hit Kitson and Danielle Corsetto for sketches tomorrow, look for more deals, then haul butt back to Staten Island tomorrow. Right now, I’m just going to pack up, take in some old-school Doctor Who on the local PBS station, and get some sleep.
Sunday
Long day. Lots of mistakes made. I checked out of the hotel, got on the highway, got off too early, and had to wait for a train before I could get back on track. From there, I wound up going back and forth between Kitson and Danielle, as both were busy sketching for other people. As a result, I couldn’t get sketches from any other artists. Not that this was a bad thing; I don’t know how many more freebies I could have squeezed from folks I merely kind of liked. It just got frustrating because I couldn’t find any deals on comics, at least before I got a copy of Justice League of America #0 at half-price. Also, I ended up misplacing my cell phone and camera, but I got both back. My mind? The jury is still out on whether I had one to begin with. In the end, I got an awesome sketch of Superman from Kingdom Come from Kitson. This goes nicely with past sketches from the groundbreaking miniseries of Red Robin and Kid Flash.
As for Danielle? I asked her if she was tired of drawing mostly female characters. She didn’t mind, because she wasn’t all that good drawing males. After some thought, I decided to have her sketch Monkey Woman from Who Wants To Be a Superhero?. Danielle had never seen the show before, and she was tickled when I explained it to her. She was also impressed by the picture I had brought of Monkey Woman from the show’s website. Also, she had folks read her sign-up list and get jazzed by my request. This is the final product, which goes great with her past sketches of Social Butterfly (Livewires) and Barbara Gordon (Birds of Prey).
I wanted to get out early to beat nightfall, but I lost. Aside from traffic congestion and the occasional raindrop, I made it back without major incident. It was the longest I’ve ever driven in one shot, and I’m impressed that I pulled it off. And the best part? I know that I can always come to Baltimore for my convention cravings. I just hope that Orioles aren’t playing the Yankees next time.
As you know, I live near New York City, home of DC and Marvel Comics. Up until this year, New York didn’t have a major comic convention. Then came the New York Comic Con, a three-day event that turned into a full-blown disaster, what with the limited space and the fire marshal shutting the Javits Center down for a few hours. I needed something meatier. San Diego? Too far and too expensive. Chicago? Ditto. Toronto? I’d have a free room with Stephen, but the airfare got jacked up, and a twelve-hour train ride would be a hassle. In the end, I went with Baltimore, which is where I’m writing this.
Actually, I’m in Linthicum, which is near the local airport. Even though I decided to drive down here, the shuttle service allowed access to the light rail system, which takes me to the convention center. Throw in a good deal ($89 per night), and I was sold.
Friday
After packing up, checking a few last things online and having a quick breakfast, I was off on my journey. Getting to Linthicum was mostly simple...just take the New Jersey Turnpike the whole way south, breeze past Delaware, and make a few turns. Happily, I didn’t get any major scares, although I did have to gas up twice. The second time was a little messed up, when a gas attendent was asking me about a runaway fugitive who was hiding in upstate New York. The guy had a thick accent and no front teeth. I don’t know what was scarier...that guy, or the price I had to pay for gas.
I ended up screwing up, making one wrong turn and getting a tour of suburban Linthicum. I finally lucked into a parking lot near the airport and I got good directions. After rolling around trying to right the right hotel, I found my destination.
The room is a beauty. Sure, I take a hit in terms of television choices, but so what? I have a refrigator, a microwave (which I won’t use) and an ethernet connection (which I can’t use). It’s a big room, and it should be comfy for tonight and tomorrow.
After unpacking, I took the shuttle service to the light rail, and proceeded to Camden Yards. I bought a Left Field Lower Box for $27, then entered the park. The place is about a decade old and it’s held up well. After getting a pork sandwich at Boog’s Bar-B-Q, I settled into my seat. There was one small problem....the Orioles were hosting the Yankees, and lots of their fans decided to make the trip south to basically act like idiots. Really, nothing’s as bad as a Yankee fan rubbing superiority in your face. There were lots of them in my section, and they were loud. It could have been worse...in another section, I saw four Yankee fans escorted out. Naturally, they were waving their arms, happy with getting the heave-ho.
Surprisingly, the second-rate Orioles actually kicked some ass. Melvin Mora hit a two-run homer than landed one section to my left in the first inning. The O’s tacked on five runs in the second inning – three driven in on a Jay Gibbons homer – and chased Cory Lidle out of the game. The Yankees got two runs in the third, and that was as dangerous as they got against Erik Bedard. The only dark spot was that Alex Rodriguez didn’t screw up in a major way...he went 1-for-3 with a sacrifice fly. Joe Torre ended up replacing most of the lineup with rookies in the last few innings, and Craig Wilson got a two-run homer off Brian Burres, who was pitching in his first game in the majors (2/3s of an inning, one strikeout), but Julio Manon got Thompson to fly out to left field for the final out. If only the drubbing shut up the Yankee fans.
I made it back to the airport, where I screwed up where I was supposed to way for the shuttle. I ended the night by getting dessert (animal crackers from a vending machine) and going online at the business office.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I have my sketchbook (29 entries so far), some references, and money. I’ve been told that the Baltimore Comic Con is mellower than the bigger cons. I’ll see for myself.
Addendum: In Camden Yards, they don’t play “God Bless America” in the middle of the seventh inning...they go with “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” I miss that. Also, when I got a hot dog inside the back, the average age of the folks working the stand had to be at least 65.
Saturday
It was deja vu all over again.
About 90 minutes into the Baltimore Comic Con, somebody pulled a fire alarm. Not quite the same as the overcrowded Javits Center in Feburary, but there I was, waiting outside the Baltimore Convention Center, waiting to get back in. On a surreal note, Lou Ferigno – the Incredible Hulk himself – was five feet from me. That wasn’t the weirdest comic con experience I had...that would be the Sofitel Hotel in Chicago back in 2001, when Kenny Baker (the fella inside R2-D2) asked me how my breakfast was.
I got the morning started right...the hotel offers a free contiential breakfast. The best part: making my own waffles. I’m serious about this. They have cups of batter laid out. You pour the stuff into one of two irons (either four little waffles or a single one), flip the iron over for two minutes, then flip it back, open up and enjoy. Very yummy. Wish I could say the same about the convention at first.
The con hit a discouraging note at first...a few artists I wanted sketches from were charging big bucks. One of my faves was asking for $100 for pencils, inks and shadowing. It would look great, but it was outside my price range. One hundred bucks here, $50 there, $75 with this guy...not good.
The convention is small compared to the big shows in San Diego, Chicago and Toronto. It’s kind of like the Big Apple Con, only better laid out and fewer z-list celebrities (no offense to Lori Petty, who will appear at the con next week. The rest? No apologies, guys). I recognized dealers by their layouts...I’ll never remember their names, but I can sniff out what I want, even though I left my list back at my room.
As for sketches, I got four today. Three were free, and I got the fourth for buying two comics. I’m not above paying, but my ceiling is usually $25, $50 if I really like the creator. I had gotten Marvel Comics villianess Nightshade from Bob Almond back in New York, so I hit up Bill Willingham for a quick head shot of Nightshade from Shadowpact, a DC Comics heroine. I also got sketches from Alex Robinson (Ray Beam from Tricked), Michael Avon Oeming (Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen), and Pop Mhan (Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist). My big day will come tomorrow, because I did something kinda stupid, yet totally cool.
There I was at a DC Comics panel, relaxing from the grind and listening to A-list talent (Mark Waid, Kurt Busiek, Willingham, JG Jones, George Perez, Marv Wolfman, and Barry Kitson). Dan Didio (DC’s vice president and executive editor) asked the creators which character they’d like to kill off. Kitson goes into a story about a villain who had smokestacks on his back and fishnet stockings. Yes, it was a male. Kitson couldn’t remember the character’s name...he knew who drew it and what title it was from, but he was stumped on the name. So he made the audience an offer: find the issue, get a free sketch. Cut to me in my seat, light bulb above my head.
After the panel, I talked to Kitson to confirm the details, then I went down two floors to the con floor. In a few minutes, I found the guy: Bloodthrist, from Superman: The Man Of Steel. Ugly sucker. I paid $1 for it, went to Kitson’s table, got on line, waited until he returned, and I showed it to him. Ding ding ding, I was the first person with the book. I would have gotten the sketch today, but he had people in front of me sketch-wise. At Kitson’s request, I showed the issue to Didio. His reaction?? “Holy shit!” and “I’d kill him, too.”
The rest of the day was eventful. I had dinner at the ESPN Zone, walked around and got lost, and made it back to the hotel after 10 p.m. I also walked around the Inner Harbor, which reminded me of South Street Seaport back home, with all the shops and restaurants, and the smell of seawater. Last time I was at the Seaport, I didn’t keep track of Yankee fans. Today, they were out in force, in full colors. I guess Baltimore is to them as Philadelphia is to Mets fans...a place that’s close enough to root for the visiting team.
All in all, it was a good day...and I got at least five people who noticed my “The Fake News Is All I Need” t-shirt that I got in the mail from Glarkware on Thursday. I’ll hit Kitson and Danielle Corsetto for sketches tomorrow, look for more deals, then haul butt back to Staten Island tomorrow. Right now, I’m just going to pack up, take in some old-school Doctor Who on the local PBS station, and get some sleep.
Sunday
Long day. Lots of mistakes made. I checked out of the hotel, got on the highway, got off too early, and had to wait for a train before I could get back on track. From there, I wound up going back and forth between Kitson and Danielle, as both were busy sketching for other people. As a result, I couldn’t get sketches from any other artists. Not that this was a bad thing; I don’t know how many more freebies I could have squeezed from folks I merely kind of liked. It just got frustrating because I couldn’t find any deals on comics, at least before I got a copy of Justice League of America #0 at half-price. Also, I ended up misplacing my cell phone and camera, but I got both back. My mind? The jury is still out on whether I had one to begin with. In the end, I got an awesome sketch of Superman from Kingdom Come from Kitson. This goes nicely with past sketches from the groundbreaking miniseries of Red Robin and Kid Flash.
As for Danielle? I asked her if she was tired of drawing mostly female characters. She didn’t mind, because she wasn’t all that good drawing males. After some thought, I decided to have her sketch Monkey Woman from Who Wants To Be a Superhero?. Danielle had never seen the show before, and she was tickled when I explained it to her. She was also impressed by the picture I had brought of Monkey Woman from the show’s website. Also, she had folks read her sign-up list and get jazzed by my request. This is the final product, which goes great with her past sketches of Social Butterfly (Livewires) and Barbara Gordon (Birds of Prey).
I wanted to get out early to beat nightfall, but I lost. Aside from traffic congestion and the occasional raindrop, I made it back without major incident. It was the longest I’ve ever driven in one shot, and I’m impressed that I pulled it off. And the best part? I know that I can always come to Baltimore for my convention cravings. I just hope that Orioles aren’t playing the Yankees next time.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Five Years Later
I remember bits and pieces of the summer of 2001 before everything changed. I had an unpaid, uncredited internship at Travel Agent Magazine. I went to Wizard World in Chicago, staying at Hotel Sofitel for $99 and having Kenny Baker – the guy in the R2D2 unit in the original Star Wars movies – ask me about my breakfast. I went to Wrigley Field, a must-see destination for any true baseball fan. I watched the Staten Island Yankees many times in their new ballpark.
On September 9, I went into the city to the Sanrio (Hello Kitty) store, because Melissa Howard was doing a promotion there. Before you think I was stalker fanboy, we had been e-mailing each other off and on at the time. She was the second reality star I met after Judd Winick...and nine months later, I started my ritual visits to TARCon.
On September 10, I attended the first class of my final semester at New York University. I forget the title of the course. The teacher was Gary Belsky, who was an editor of ESPN: The Magazine at that time. I met familiar faces, swapped summer stories, the usual thing.
I had a plan for the following day. I wanted to get to NYU early, because I had to try and get some of my sketches scanned at the computer lab. My class for Tuesdays was Sports Journalism, taught by writer/editor Dr. William Serrin. I had taken Jounrnalistic History under him the previous year, and he was a fun guy to listen to. Heck, he even wore a New York Knights jacket, modelled after the fictional team from The National. Tuesday was going to be a good day.
I woke up to the sound of my clock radio, which was tuned to “Imus In The Morning” in those days. I heard Don Imus say something about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. I tried watching on the television in my room, but I wasn’t getting a signal. I had better luck with the cable, and I saw the unthinkable happen. Yeah, the Twin Towers had been bombed back in 1993, but we didn’t see this coming. I think we were used to bad stuff happening elsewhere...and we had stuff like the Oklahoma City bombing and the massacre at Columbine to deal with. But this was different.
I tried calling my mother...at the time, both buildings were still up. She worked on 32nd St., but the express bus she took went by that area. I remember calling the journalism department, telling that I might not be coming to school. I get back to the television, and one of the Towers was gone. Then the other one joined it.
I lost it. I really, really lost it. My grandmother called from Yonkers, telling me not to go to the city. You think? My grandfather called from Brooklyn, and he had to calm my blubbering down. I was all alone except for the family dog. Eventually, I found that my mother was on the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge at the time of the attack. She saw the planes hit the Towers from the express bus. She had seen death when my father passed on five years earlier, and she didn’t need to see that. Mom ended up in Brooklyn, and she managed to call me. She was okay...a wreck like me, but okay nonetheless.
I was lucky...I didn’t get killed, and I didn’t personally know anybody who died that day. I made a frantic phone call to my buddy Joe, and since I didn’t have online access at home, he had to relay my safety to our mutual friends. I was scared, but life had to go on. I vaguely remember going to a Bed, Bath & Beyond with Mom on Wednesday, which was painful enough without the lingering thoughts of “God, what happens now?” Of course, the new Barnes & Noble was closed down, and comic book delivery was bumped back a day. I got relief the following day with two books from my favorite writers: Judd Winick (The Adventures of Barry Ween v3 #4 and Christopher Priest (Black Panther #36). Hey, we needed comfort at the time.
I can’t say that life went back to normal by the time I was done with classes. As luck would have it, I had signed up to intern at the Villager, and they had an office near Canal Street, where non-residential vehicles were not allowed. One of the first stories I wrote had me interviewing reporters camped out along the West Side Highway. I did stories on cell phone service after 9/11, how Chinatown businesses struggled after 9/11, and other stuff I can’t recall. One story I wrote for class ended up in the Villager months after my internship was completed. In the aftermath of 9/11, several comic book companies scrambled to create stories for special tribute editions. I even got to interview Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada for the story, as I called him from one of the classrooms, frantically scrambling to write down his responses.
I wish I could say that 9/11 affected me for the better. I’m still the same person, just trying to live the best that I can. There are times where I felt guilty taking air meant for other people, but that thought went away. But anytime I see ads for movies about the events, I think “Too soon, too soon.” I don’t care how beautiful the films could be, I just can’t bear to remember what happened. I can imagine being on a plane like that, but I shouldn’t. Anytime I get on a plane, I wonder if this might be the last time. It’s not an overwhelming fear, but it’s something that never would have gotten in my head if not for that day when the world changed.
To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m saying here. I don’t live in fear, but I’m cautiously optimistic. I try to think of the best about most people, trying not to follow others and suspecting people based on race. I had a professor who came from Iran back when I was at Wagner College. I guess the bottom line for me is that I’m glad to be alive, and that I should never try and waste my life.
If you want to read something with a lot more meaning, try “They Missed” by Gail Simone, published on September 13. I met her online on Jonah Weiland’s message boards for Kingdom Come in 1996. While she would become a critically-acclaimed comic book writer, Gail nailed what happened that day and put a positive spin on it.
On September 9, I went into the city to the Sanrio (Hello Kitty) store, because Melissa Howard was doing a promotion there. Before you think I was stalker fanboy, we had been e-mailing each other off and on at the time. She was the second reality star I met after Judd Winick...and nine months later, I started my ritual visits to TARCon.
On September 10, I attended the first class of my final semester at New York University. I forget the title of the course. The teacher was Gary Belsky, who was an editor of ESPN: The Magazine at that time. I met familiar faces, swapped summer stories, the usual thing.
I had a plan for the following day. I wanted to get to NYU early, because I had to try and get some of my sketches scanned at the computer lab. My class for Tuesdays was Sports Journalism, taught by writer/editor Dr. William Serrin. I had taken Jounrnalistic History under him the previous year, and he was a fun guy to listen to. Heck, he even wore a New York Knights jacket, modelled after the fictional team from The National. Tuesday was going to be a good day.
I woke up to the sound of my clock radio, which was tuned to “Imus In The Morning” in those days. I heard Don Imus say something about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. I tried watching on the television in my room, but I wasn’t getting a signal. I had better luck with the cable, and I saw the unthinkable happen. Yeah, the Twin Towers had been bombed back in 1993, but we didn’t see this coming. I think we were used to bad stuff happening elsewhere...and we had stuff like the Oklahoma City bombing and the massacre at Columbine to deal with. But this was different.
I tried calling my mother...at the time, both buildings were still up. She worked on 32nd St., but the express bus she took went by that area. I remember calling the journalism department, telling that I might not be coming to school. I get back to the television, and one of the Towers was gone. Then the other one joined it.
I lost it. I really, really lost it. My grandmother called from Yonkers, telling me not to go to the city. You think? My grandfather called from Brooklyn, and he had to calm my blubbering down. I was all alone except for the family dog. Eventually, I found that my mother was on the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge at the time of the attack. She saw the planes hit the Towers from the express bus. She had seen death when my father passed on five years earlier, and she didn’t need to see that. Mom ended up in Brooklyn, and she managed to call me. She was okay...a wreck like me, but okay nonetheless.
I was lucky...I didn’t get killed, and I didn’t personally know anybody who died that day. I made a frantic phone call to my buddy Joe, and since I didn’t have online access at home, he had to relay my safety to our mutual friends. I was scared, but life had to go on. I vaguely remember going to a Bed, Bath & Beyond with Mom on Wednesday, which was painful enough without the lingering thoughts of “God, what happens now?” Of course, the new Barnes & Noble was closed down, and comic book delivery was bumped back a day. I got relief the following day with two books from my favorite writers: Judd Winick (The Adventures of Barry Ween v3 #4 and Christopher Priest (Black Panther #36). Hey, we needed comfort at the time.
I can’t say that life went back to normal by the time I was done with classes. As luck would have it, I had signed up to intern at the Villager, and they had an office near Canal Street, where non-residential vehicles were not allowed. One of the first stories I wrote had me interviewing reporters camped out along the West Side Highway. I did stories on cell phone service after 9/11, how Chinatown businesses struggled after 9/11, and other stuff I can’t recall. One story I wrote for class ended up in the Villager months after my internship was completed. In the aftermath of 9/11, several comic book companies scrambled to create stories for special tribute editions. I even got to interview Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada for the story, as I called him from one of the classrooms, frantically scrambling to write down his responses.
I wish I could say that 9/11 affected me for the better. I’m still the same person, just trying to live the best that I can. There are times where I felt guilty taking air meant for other people, but that thought went away. But anytime I see ads for movies about the events, I think “Too soon, too soon.” I don’t care how beautiful the films could be, I just can’t bear to remember what happened. I can imagine being on a plane like that, but I shouldn’t. Anytime I get on a plane, I wonder if this might be the last time. It’s not an overwhelming fear, but it’s something that never would have gotten in my head if not for that day when the world changed.
To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m saying here. I don’t live in fear, but I’m cautiously optimistic. I try to think of the best about most people, trying not to follow others and suspecting people based on race. I had a professor who came from Iran back when I was at Wagner College. I guess the bottom line for me is that I’m glad to be alive, and that I should never try and waste my life.
If you want to read something with a lot more meaning, try “They Missed” by Gail Simone, published on September 13. I met her online on Jonah Weiland’s message boards for Kingdom Come in 1996. While she would become a critically-acclaimed comic book writer, Gail nailed what happened that day and put a positive spin on it.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Lounging In Linthicum
I did it. Took me about four hours, an obscene amount of money for gas, and an encounter with a gas attendant missing his front teeth, but I made it to Linthicum, MD. Why have I come out here? Because I will be attending the Baltimore Comic Con for the next two days.
I had been yearning to hit a big con for a while now. While I would have liked to go back to Toronto and stay at Stephen's place for the Canadian National Expo, the price for a plane ticket got jacked up. Meanwhile, the Baltimore con wasn't as far, and I landed a great deal on a hotel. After contemplating coming over by plane, train and bus, I elected to drive down there, which is the longest I've ever driven in one shot.
How did I spend the evening? When I first came to Baltimore on a family trip in 1994, I got tickets to see the Orioles at Camden Yards, the wicked-cool retro stadium. Naturally, that was the year the players went on strike, and we had to settle for a stadium tour. Tonight, I found myself in the left field seats, watching the Orioles beat the snot out of the Yankees. Not that the New York fans in attendance cared...nothing could shut them up.
The only bad news is that I can't get online from my room, since I don't have ethernet. Right now, I'm going online in a 24-hour business room. I'll write out my experiences on my laptop and put them up under "Adventures In Baltimore" when I get back home on Sunday. After that, I'll work on the final recaps of Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, because I got sidetracked by other stuff. The show's been over for little more than a week, but it's not far from my mind. In fact, I printed up images of two heroes in order to possibly get sketches this weekend. Can you guess which ones? I'll say this...I didn't print up Fat Momma. I have nothing against her, but I needed a pic without her looking crazy and/or holding a doughnut.
That's about it. The fun starts tomorrow, and I can't wait.
I had been yearning to hit a big con for a while now. While I would have liked to go back to Toronto and stay at Stephen's place for the Canadian National Expo, the price for a plane ticket got jacked up. Meanwhile, the Baltimore con wasn't as far, and I landed a great deal on a hotel. After contemplating coming over by plane, train and bus, I elected to drive down there, which is the longest I've ever driven in one shot.
How did I spend the evening? When I first came to Baltimore on a family trip in 1994, I got tickets to see the Orioles at Camden Yards, the wicked-cool retro stadium. Naturally, that was the year the players went on strike, and we had to settle for a stadium tour. Tonight, I found myself in the left field seats, watching the Orioles beat the snot out of the Yankees. Not that the New York fans in attendance cared...nothing could shut them up.
The only bad news is that I can't get online from my room, since I don't have ethernet. Right now, I'm going online in a 24-hour business room. I'll write out my experiences on my laptop and put them up under "Adventures In Baltimore" when I get back home on Sunday. After that, I'll work on the final recaps of Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, because I got sidetracked by other stuff. The show's been over for little more than a week, but it's not far from my mind. In fact, I printed up images of two heroes in order to possibly get sketches this weekend. Can you guess which ones? I'll say this...I didn't print up Fat Momma. I have nothing against her, but I needed a pic without her looking crazy and/or holding a doughnut.
That's about it. The fun starts tomorrow, and I can't wait.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Who Wants To Be A Superhero? #3: Stan Never Promised A Rose Garden
Previously on Who Wants To Be A Superhero?: The remaining heroes had their courage tested by two trained attack dogs. Cell Phone Girl lasted a mere four seconds, and that was enough for Stan Lee to suspend her service. The heroes got shiny new costumes which they all liked...except for Tyveculus, who drew the short straw with an outfit that would guarantee a beatdown anywhere he’d go. In the end, Stan had enough of Iron Enforcer, what with the failed challenges, the bad attitude, and the accusations of body odor and steroid abuse. However, Stan decided to recruit Enforcer as the show’s resident supervillian: Dark Enforcer. Seven heroes remain...who gets eliminated tonight?
Good news: the opening spiel got cut down to one minute and three seconds, reducing the time before the new episode to 3:42. So cheers to Bruce Nash for taking out the extraneous stuff.
Lair. We hear the familiar noises of Monkey Woman as she – what else? – monkeys around, dusting a shelf while hanging from a nearby wall. She interviews that she has to excel at today’s challenge in order to win the game. Feedback practices his high-kicks in the living room. He reminds us about getting redcubed last week, and now he’s going to be even more serious and fouced on becoming the ultimate superhero. He kicks again...and somehow turns on the ceiling fan. I’m thinking that Stan will install a Danger Room for the next season. In the bathroom, Lemuria is scrubbing around the toilet rim using her foot. She thinks she’s in the lead, and she needs not to do anything to make Stan think badly of her. Like what? Cleaning the john using those expensive boots?
Stan summons the heroes into the living room. “Greetings, True Believers!” Drink! He goes into a spiel about how every superhero has a supervillain, and that the bad guy is almost as important as the hero himself. “In fact,” he adds, “sometimes it seems that the supervillain defines the superhero.” He draws the usual examples: Batman & Joker, Spider-Man & Green Goblin. “However,” he gravely intones, “there is one additional supervillian who might just be the greatest menace of all, because he is someone who’s threatening all of you, it’s right here and right now.” Whuh oh. Dramatic music plays as the heroes look at each other.
Suddenly, the lights flicker and go out. The heroes look around, all of them on red alert. A white light bursts from the stairs. Heroes go into defensive positions, especially Monkey Woman with her staff. A cloaked figure walks up the stairs. Feedback looks like his head’s about to explode.
The figure walks in front of the heroes. “Mr. Supervillain,” Stan asks, “what do you think makes a good arch-nemesis?” The villain speaks in an altered tone: “Maybe it’s a guy who’s been shunned by other people. Maybe it’s everyone’s favorite punching bag.” Holy crap...I could be a supervillain! Creature smiles, Lemuria gasps, and Tyveculus shakes his head. “Maybe it’s a guy who everyone claims uses steroids.” Ty: “No, it can’t be.” I guess nobody said, “So you’re not Levity?” “Maybe it’s me,” the villain declares, taking his hood and mask off, “THE DARK ENFORCER!” Dun dun duuuuuun! I’ll give this to Steel Chambers...the buggy eyes really sell the evilness. On the down side, the editors break off Ty shouting, “What is this treachery?!?” so all you hear is, “What is this-?!?” Bad form, guys.
Anyway, the heroines smile while the guys try their best to look determined. “None of you deserve to be on this show!” Dark Enforcer declares, “And I’m takin’ every one of you out!” Tyveculus pounds his chest plate, itching for a fight. Enforcer calls Ty a “joke,” then declares he doesn’t like any of the heroes. Major Victory: “Man, that was hellafunny, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Enforcer: “SHUT UP!” Great...the one other guy who doesn’t like the Major, and it’s this 'roided rival. Fat Momma snaps about Enforcer’s body odor, only to have Lemuria telling her to shut up. Enforcer reminds them that he was on their side once, but they insulted him. “The game starts tonight,” he seethes, as Major Victory gives his own gritty look. “I suggest you all watch your backs.” Tyveculus looks exasperated, interviewing about feeling betrayed because being a bad guy wasn’t what Enforcer signed up for. Ty...I love ya, but if the Enforcer was a bigger plant, he’d be Swamp Thing. Fat Momma tells us that she has to keep her eyes and ears open.
After Dark Enforcer departs, Stan tells the team that they’re probably shocked, but he reminds them that there would be twists, and Dark Enforcer is proof of that. “From this point on,” Stan says, “you’d better be on your game, because now more than ever, nothing will be exactly as it seems.”
Meeting. Creature tells us that the others became angry about the Enforcer turning evil because they don’t know what will happen next. Tyveculus gripes that he’d rather go back to his job than play a “bad person” for the show. Fat Momma figures that’s just Enforcer, and she states that it’s important to tell the truth, and nobody says to walk around and be nice. Lemuria: “Nice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to lose at the end of the game. I still want to be friends with these people.” Momma: “If you’re silly enough to let it get to you and not be a goo sport at the end...” Now the two heroines are fighting, and I’m feeling that I’m missing some of the story. Lemuria dismisses Momma, saying that this is what “they” want. Momma goes on about winning the game. Lemuria: “Kiss my natural brown ass!” Damn! More bickering. Feedback deduces that Dark Enforcer has done his job because heroes are turning on each other. He tells the team that they’ll rise whenever they get challenged.
Feedback expositions that Stan sent them out on a challenge. The deal: each hero gets $20. One at a time, they walk into a nearby café and order lunch. Stan will decide if their choices are befitting of a superhero. Separate shots of the heroes walking into the café in full costume. Feedback figures this is a trap because it’s “too easy,” but he didn’t see any cameras in the place, so he hung out and got his food. He thanks a waitress, and she gives a weird smile. For some reason, I think she might have been on a reality show. Then again, I’d probably think that of anybody 18-30 in Los Angeles and in good shape.
Lair. The heroes file in, putting their food down. I wonder how many of them ordered hero sandwiches. Stan welcomes them and is about to start when he’s interrupted. “Excuse me, boss,” Dark Enforcer says, as the music gets dramatic and the heroes make “oh, crap!” faces. Enforcer pops up on a screen next to the one Stan’s on, which must be a perk for turning to the dark side. “You got bigger fish to fry than this stupid food game!” he tells Stan. “You’d be surprised what we can find with a little bribery and a restaurant full of cameras.” He asks Stan the first rule for being a superhero. Stan’s response: never give up the secret identity. Cut to the heroes looking sad. Enforcer: “Ooooh, you’re not gonna like this, boss.” Stan folds his arms like a pissed-off teacher. Enforcer mockingly waves to the heroes, and we fade to art.
After a quick recap, Stan orders the footage to be rolled. Dark Enforcer disappears in favor of black-and-white footage from the café. Tyveculus tells the waitress that he’ll take his order to go. There’s a mild flirtatious vibe about Ty sticking around, since he doesn’t want to scare the customers. She asks for his name, and he introduces himself as Tyveculus, “Ty” for short. I feel vindicated for abbreviating the name. The waitress presses for his real name Finally, Ty asks her to keep it to herself, since people could be watching. He slips his driver’s license from underneath an armband. Very suave. She reads it out loud: “E. Quincy Sloan.” D’oh! Back at the lair, Ty looks on, while Stan shakes his head. Ty interviews about being pissed at himself. “[Dark Enforcer] might have set up the trap,” he adds, “but I’m the one that walked right into it.”
Footage. Feedback orders his food, and the same waitress asks if he’s an actor. He says that he isn’t, then introduces himself. Once again, she asks for a real name. Tense music plays. Feedback: “I can’t disclose my secret identity.” Triumphant music plays, and Stan gives a slight smile. On the other screen, Dark Enforcer gives the “I’ll get you next time!!!” face. Feedback interviews that he’s happy about not letting Stan down, adding that this challenge was easy. “Cameras or no cameras,” he points out, “a superhero never gives up his true identity.”
Footage. Creature giggles to a waiter. He asks if she’s on a reality show, then asks for her name. She gives it up right away: “Tonya Kay.” The waiter asks if they have to wear the costumes all day. She tells him about her new outfit, which he thinks is sexy. “Man, I really failed this test,” she interviews. “How could I have fallen for that?”
Up next is Lemuria. Jimmy (the waiter) asks for her name, and she introduces herself as “Tonatzin." She blinks at the footage, wondering what she was thinking, and knowing she fell for it.
Here comes Major Victory, who has passed every test so far. Waitress: “As a human, I’m CC.” Major: “CC? As a human, I’m Chris.” Down goes the Major! Down goes the Major! CC asks if he’s on a reality show, and he confirms it. “This really was an eye-opener for me,” he glumly interviews. “Sadly, today I was a weiner, not a winner.”
Next to the plate is Fat Momma. Jimmy introduces himself, then asks for her real name. Cue the thick tension. “Just Fat Momma,” she tells him. “I’m trying to rid the world of bullies, one doughnut at a time.” I’m guessing that the heroes get paid every time they spout off their catchphrases. Stan smiles, while Momma tries not to beam too brightly. “I just like to go around,” she tells Jimmy, “and see what I can do to help people out.” She interviews about being proud of her actions.
Finally, we come to Monkey Woman. Jimmy gives her a bunch of bananas. She introduces herself as “Monkey Woman, a.k.a. Mary.” Uh oh. Jimmy asks if this is a reality show. She nods. He admits to wanting to become an actor, but he doesn’t know how to start. Monkey Woman offers up three websites for him to check up. Stan folds his arms. “I have really messed up,” Monkey Woman admits. “I was trying to help that waiter, but all I was doing was giving away valuable information.”
Denouement. Stan cannot believe what he saw. Dark Enforcer: “Oops!” He’s obnoxious, but the group totally deserved that. Stan orders the team into the living room...it’s time for an elimination. Feedback’s face looks tense, and he actually did the right thing. Major Victory: “I have a new name: Major Dumbass.” Dark Enforcer taunts the heroes, wishing them luck.
Living room. Stan goes into review mode, noting that the challenge was about commitment and sincerety. He wanted to find which heroes can commit to their persona, and which ones can be easily persuaded. Needless to say, he was shocked by the results. He goes off about Superhero Commandment Numero Uno: Thou Shalt Not Give Up Thy Secret Identity. “Look at Clark Kent and Peter Parker,” Stern Stan lectures. “How many times have they been tempted to reveal who they really are? Unlike what happened with most of you, it would have taken a lot more than a little flirtation for them to reveal their true identities.” Make your own Civil War joke. Stan compliments Fat Momma and Feedback for not giving up the goods. The rest of them failed, and one of them disappointed Stan the most.
Stan calls on Monkey Woman, ordering her front and center. Turns out she was the only hero to give up her name without being asked. Cut to her introducing herself to Jimmy. Stan expresses how troubled he feels by her giving him websites for actor auditions, which is backed up by a flashback. Stan: “How do you know about such websites?” Ummm...she learned about them by watching him? Monkey Woman: “Because I too am an actress.” Bad move, simian sister. Dramatic drums pound as we zoom in on her. Stan is even more upset now, because everybody had to be here for the right reasons, and she had originally told him that she was a real estate investor and not an actress. She’s from California, buddy...can’t she be both? “But today the truth came out,” Sermonizin’ Stan notes, “and I couldn’t be more disappointed. Being a superhero shouldn’t be a shortcut to an acting job. It’s a way of life.” Monkey Woman stands strong, even though she’s dug herself a grave deep enough to fit Mighty Joe Young.
Stan: “Fat Momma...please get the trash can.” The massive matriarch places the can next to Monkey Woman, who chooses this time to start begging for survival. She’s really sorry for lying to him, and she now knows it was wrong. Stan looks on. Heroes look on. We fade to art, and we come back to even more drama. I think some old-school Batman narration is in order.
Will Stan Lee cut Monkey Woman from the team? Can the Primate Princess save herself from the cold streets of the urban jungle, where she would have to pay for her bananas? Tune in next week...same Stan time, same Stan chan-oh, crap, he’s made a decision...
“Monkey Woman...turn in your costume.” Totally deserved, even if she felt like it was the right thing to do. She places her staff and a bracelet in the trash can, as the heroes mournfully look on. She smiles at Stan’s monitor and does a graceful cartwheel. Her stuff gets blown up in the can. Lemuria looks shaken up.
Monkey Woman packs up, interviewing how it sucks for this to end for her. She adds that she’ll miss the other heroes. “Monkey Woman will definitely live on,” she adds, “and somewhere in a tree near you, you’ll be hearing the telltale...” Then she breaks into her trademark monkey noises, as we see her walk down the stairs. Awwwwww. I’ll be keeping an eye out for her...or at least for the business cards dropped from the tallest trees.
Living room. Stan hopes they all learned a valuable lesson about giving up their identities. “And when a superhero tells you something,” he adds, “you gotta be able to take it to the bank. Honesty is the number one trait of being a superhero. I won’t tolerate anything less.” He orders the team to bed, telling them to think about what they learned. Tyveculus interviews that the test was about commitment and he failed. “It won’t happen again,” he foreshadows. “It can’t happen again.” Creature: “The group just keeps dwindling and getting smaller, and then recent members of the group come back and are your enemies.”
Daytime at the Lair. Stan Headroom is in the kitchen, telling the heroes about the scariest challenge yet. “I’m sorry to say,” he adds, “it won’t get any more difficult than this one.” He orders the team to meet up on the roof. Major Victory doesn’t know what to expect, but he knows that the competition is getting crazier.
Rooftop. The group gathers around a television set. Stan says that one of the main attributes of a superhero is courage. He adds that they’re expected to have nerves of steel, and they will be tested on their nerves in the most dangerous challenge so far. Cut to a woman from a higher adjacent rooftop screaming for help, smoke billowing near her. Major Victory waves to her, yelling that they’ll be there to help. Stan points out the obvious: that woman is in desperate need of help. Since the heroes can’t fly to her, he’s dreamed up another way to get to the damsel. He orders them to look over the roof’s edge. “Careful!” he advises. “It’s a long way down!” The gang peer over the edge to see a construction crew at work. Stan directs their attention to a narrow beam, which will be placed so they can walk to the damsel. They also get a rope to guide them as they bring the lady to safety. “I’m aware that this is a dangerous challenge,” Snarky Stan says. “But hey...no one said it’s easy to be a superhero.” Fat Momma smiles, Lemuria looks nervous, and Creature grins. The damsel yells some more, and we fade to her yelling “Help!”
Lair. Tyveculus brings up his experience with the fire service, adding that he got thirteen weeks of training. Lemuria notes that they Ty trained that long for what they’re about to do. Ty notes that the challenge is about testing courage. Creature tell Lemuria it’s a big test, since she’s afraid of heights. Ty: “I’ve seen people get hurt and we’ve had people killed in smaller things than this.” Thanks for the pep talk! Feedback: “Game on.”
Stan: “Superheroes! It’s time!” Cut to Major Victory slowly walking towards Dark Enforcer. The Major lets us in on another twist: the Enforcer gets to blindfold them before they start off. Creature thinks that any human being would be scared.
Rooftop. Damsel yells some more. Dark Enforcer escorts the blind Creature to the beam, directing up up the stairs leading to it. Cut to the damsel yelling some more, as we see a beam on her rooftop. Enforcer gets Creature to feel the rope, and she starts walking on the beam. Walking. Tense music. Damsel yells some more. The wind whips up. Cut to an overhead shot to reveal that Creature is walking over a blue mat, nowhere near the roof's edge. Dark Enforcer hams it up nearby, enjoying the plight of the heroine. In a weird twist, the damsel has a twin waiting for Creature at the end of the beam.
Montage! Each hero slowly walks on the beam. Lemuria makes her stride in impractical high-heeled boots. “This is nuts,” she interviews. “I’m five stories off the ground and I’m terrified.” Cut to a shot showing that she’s five inches from the ground. “And now the wind’s starting to blow like a freakin’ hurricane.” Cut to Dark Enforcer wielding a giant electric fan. Major Victory nears his target, openly hoping the wind doesn’t mess up his hair. Spilt screen of Dark Enforcer hamming it up some more. Fat Momma, Feedback and Lemuria reach the end of the beam. Fat Momma tells the damsel to take one of her doughnuts for energy. Cut to the damsel hanging onto Tyveculus. Major Victory: “Hold your hands on my sexy hips!” Has Superman ever said that before? He wiggles his hips a little, stumbling on the beam. The heroes escort the damsel on their respective runs. Feedback orders her to hang onto his belt. Lemuria and Ty go forward. Ty notes that she didn’t ask for his name. He introduces himself, and gets thanked as they reach the end.
Lemuria is done, as the damsel stands on the blue area. Stan congratulates her, then instructs her to take off her blindfold. She does as told, and the damsel laughs, direction Lemuria to her twin. The heroine screams and laughs. Fat Momma takes off her blindfold, and she doesn’t notice the lack of peril right away. Once it dawns on her, she laughs. Tyveculus does a double take as he sees the twin on the rooftop.
Creature gets to the end, and Dark Enforcer turns her around. She takes off her blindfold and laughs. “I felt like there was a direction change!” she says. Major Victory takes his blindfold off. “You are hot,” he tells the damsel. She laughs, and he looks down to realize he got fooled. Feedback takes his blindfold off, not giving any real reaction to how “dangerous” this test was. Stan appears on the billboard, telling him that he passed the test. Feedback actually wanted to go from ledge to leade. He boasts about going all the way, and that nothing will stop him from winning. He keeps shooting his mouth off until Dark Enforcer taps his chest and threatens to take him down. “You’re gonna get me?” Feedback snipes. “Try with all of your might.” Enforcer points a finger at Feedback, their rivalry in full effect.
Living room. Stan tells the team that this was quite a challenge for team. He apologizes for the trickery, reminding them that this was a test of courage, not the ability to fly. All of the heroes completed the task, but somebody has to go. Turns out Stan has something in store for them. “I’ll give you all the rare opportunity,” he goes on, “to appreciate how difficult my job is.” The challenge: each hero will stand up and declare – in their best superhero manner – who deserves to be eliminated. Major Victory: “Woooow.” Stan adds that they must consider each other’s character, actions and personality, and they have to justify why their choice is no superhero. The Major interviews that this will be the hardest thing. “I don’t think this is hard at all,” Tyveculus announces aloud, “especially when you have a trained eye.” He turns his head to the side. “You know exactly who has the qualities of a superhero.”
Suddenly, Creature rushes to the front, wanting to go first. She talks about looking at a room of superheroes, not knowing what she’s doing here. She turns to Stan’s screen. “I think I should be taken off the show,” she says. Tense music. Stan turns to the side. Fade to art.
Coming back from commercials, Creature goes on about wondering why she’s not folding under the pressure, and she isn’t sure that she should be the superhero. She turns to Stan’s monitor, telling him that she doesn’t want to get her wrong about quitting, because she still wants to play.
After Creature sits down, Stan asks Major Victory who he thinks should be eliminated. He tells Stan that he won’t make things easier for him. He tells Feedback that he has the biggest heart. To Fat Momma: “You’re just a love.” Awwwww. The Major admits to Lemuria that he also has a fear of heights. To Tyveculus: “You’re what I strive to be, man.” He calls Creature “the most free spirit.” Turning to Stan, Major Victory picks himself for elimination.
Stan asks for a volunteer. Tyveculus gets up. He thinks Lemuria’s determination is outstanding, but she lacks self-control. In his eyes, she is missing the ability to know when to give up. Before the challenge, she had talked about getting through it even if it meant her life. Lemuria smiles, not believing what she’s hearing. Ty asks her if she would risk her life. Lemuria tries to reply, saying that wasn’t going to do that. Ty notes that he went up before her in order to let her justify her actions. He thinks that she has to understand her limitations, and he didn’t think that she did, making her a liablity to herself and the others. Ty tells “Mr. Lee” that he chooses Lemuria for elimination. She sighs, clearly not happy with Ty’s opinion.
Feedback comes up next. He feels that he’s inhibiting the others’ ability to enjoy the experience because he takes things too seriously. Feedback thinks he should be eliminated. Stan folds his hands as Feedback sits down.
Here comes Lemuria. She feels that everybody has different qualities...some she agrees with and some she doesn’t (close-up on Tyveculus). She thinks that the heroes are good and she loves them all. She tells Stan that if he can’t make a choice, she’ll volunteer herself.
Stan calls up Fat Momma. She doesn’t want to do his job, she doesn’t wish to go over the reasons why they should go, and she wants to stay in the game. Stan points out that it’s important to find out who she would elect. Momma figures that if she had to pick somebody, she’d choose Feedback, because he gets too upset with himself. “At any moment,” she notes, “he could snap.” Thank you! I’ve been thinking that from the first week! Fat Momma would pick Feedback for his safety.
Stan wraps things up, saying that he knows what he needs to do. He orders the team to the roof...it’s time for an elimination.
Rooftop. Lit cubes. The heroes arrive and step up on the cubes. Stan pops up on the billboard, wasting no time in ordering Tyveculus and Fat Momma on the red cubes. Stan then orders the final red cube to be turned off, because nobody else will be stepping forward. Stan looks very serious, as we fade to art.
Coming back, Stan states that the purpose of the show is to find a person with all the essential qualities of a superhero, and each one has demonstrated these one of those qualities is self-sacrifice. Stan admits he can’t measure the sincerity of the four heroes who volunteered to walk off, but they did the right thing, because it was a heroic thing to say. As for Tyveculus and Fat Momma? They pointed a “derogatory finger” at their fellow heroes. “Superheroes would never sacrifice a fellow hero,” he adds. “They’d choose to take the bullet themselves.”
Stan turns to Tyveculus, openly wondering if he picked Lemuria for the right reasons. Stan asks Ty of he doesn’t think she’s a good superhero, or if he just doesn’t like her. One thing is for sure: Ty failed the self-sacrifice test. Stan comes to Fat Momma next...she failed while picking Feedback, but Stan thinks her choice was made out of compassion. “I think, in your way,” Stan continues, “you were trying to save him, and at the end of the day, saving people is the business we’re in.”
You can probably guess what happens next. “Tyveculus...turn in your costume.” Great...the one guy I was rooting for, and he’s done. Ty nods and steps off his cube towards the trash can. Lemuria quietly says “sorry” as he inserts his articles into the can. Major Victory gets off his cube and hugs Ty, not wanting for him to go without saying goodbye. Feedback and Fat Momma join in on the group hug, with Momma getting on the verge of tears. She tells Ty that he’s a superhero for helping her. The trio say farewell, while Creature and Lemuria stay on their cubes. Ty places his helmet on the bottom of the can. Cue the lightning and smoke, followed by Ty walking away.
Tyveculus packs up, thinking Stan might have been right. He admits to possibly not having a right reason for pointing his finger at Lemuria, and maybe he let personal feeling get in the way. “What was I thinking?” he interviews. “Stan told us on the first night that we’d be tested on self-sacrifice. I should have remembered that, and now I’m paying the price...the ultimate price of being eliminated.”
Roof. Fat Momma is back on her cube, voice cracking as she expresses how sorry she is for Tyveculus getting eliminated. She adds that she’d prefer to go in his place. “I feel like my spirit is broken,” she sniffles out. Stan isn’t in the mood for a reprieve, as he tells the heroes that this would never be easy. He orders them to get some rest. “We’ve come another step closer,” he concludes, “to immortalizing one of you.” The heroes get off their cubes.
Lair. Fat Momma feels like the others were fake in sacrificing themselves, adding that Lemuria pretends to be so emotional. Lemuria snaps that Momma crossed the line. Both argue some more. Lemuria interviews that she’s do whatever it takes to win. “Stan’s gonna have to do a lot more than that to outsmart me,” she adds. Major Victory says that they lost a great man in Tyveculus, and it isn’t easy for him. Fat Momma declares that is the reason why she’s upset. She interviews that she’s having a hard time with this, and she thinks things are getting harder after every elimination. She adds that she was just playing a game at first, but now she has a plan: get payback for Ty. She concludes: “I’m gonna make sure that each of them go before I do.” Fade out on five panels of our heroes.
With Tyveculus gone, I think it would take a major boo-boo for Major Victory to lose. Creature has been failed the most tests, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s a plant like Dark Enforcer, if not merely Rotiart. Notice how she jumped up first and volunteered herself out of the game. Could she have seen Stan’s plan without a script? Lemuria looks a bit bitchy, albeit nowhere near as bad as some of the other women I’ve recapped. Fat Momma? She’s a little broken, and I can’t see a doughnut-eating forty-something being a heroine. Feedback? We might as well call him “Tick” because he’s a walking time bomb. In my mind, Tyveculus had the best shot to deny the Major the comic book and the movie. But it wasn’t to be...he wasn’t honest to Stan about the crap costume, and he was too honest about wanting Lemuria gone.
Next time: Dealing with convicts! Major Victory: “This is not a conjugal visit.” Guard: “The way you’re dressed, I can’t guarantee that!” Also: one hero has a dark, dark secret!
Good news: the opening spiel got cut down to one minute and three seconds, reducing the time before the new episode to 3:42. So cheers to Bruce Nash for taking out the extraneous stuff.
Lair. We hear the familiar noises of Monkey Woman as she – what else? – monkeys around, dusting a shelf while hanging from a nearby wall. She interviews that she has to excel at today’s challenge in order to win the game. Feedback practices his high-kicks in the living room. He reminds us about getting redcubed last week, and now he’s going to be even more serious and fouced on becoming the ultimate superhero. He kicks again...and somehow turns on the ceiling fan. I’m thinking that Stan will install a Danger Room for the next season. In the bathroom, Lemuria is scrubbing around the toilet rim using her foot. She thinks she’s in the lead, and she needs not to do anything to make Stan think badly of her. Like what? Cleaning the john using those expensive boots?
Stan summons the heroes into the living room. “Greetings, True Believers!” Drink! He goes into a spiel about how every superhero has a supervillain, and that the bad guy is almost as important as the hero himself. “In fact,” he adds, “sometimes it seems that the supervillain defines the superhero.” He draws the usual examples: Batman & Joker, Spider-Man & Green Goblin. “However,” he gravely intones, “there is one additional supervillian who might just be the greatest menace of all, because he is someone who’s threatening all of you, it’s right here and right now.” Whuh oh. Dramatic music plays as the heroes look at each other.
Suddenly, the lights flicker and go out. The heroes look around, all of them on red alert. A white light bursts from the stairs. Heroes go into defensive positions, especially Monkey Woman with her staff. A cloaked figure walks up the stairs. Feedback looks like his head’s about to explode.
The figure walks in front of the heroes. “Mr. Supervillain,” Stan asks, “what do you think makes a good arch-nemesis?” The villain speaks in an altered tone: “Maybe it’s a guy who’s been shunned by other people. Maybe it’s everyone’s favorite punching bag.” Holy crap...I could be a supervillain! Creature smiles, Lemuria gasps, and Tyveculus shakes his head. “Maybe it’s a guy who everyone claims uses steroids.” Ty: “No, it can’t be.” I guess nobody said, “So you’re not Levity?” “Maybe it’s me,” the villain declares, taking his hood and mask off, “THE DARK ENFORCER!” Dun dun duuuuuun! I’ll give this to Steel Chambers...the buggy eyes really sell the evilness. On the down side, the editors break off Ty shouting, “What is this treachery?!?” so all you hear is, “What is this-?!?” Bad form, guys.
Anyway, the heroines smile while the guys try their best to look determined. “None of you deserve to be on this show!” Dark Enforcer declares, “And I’m takin’ every one of you out!” Tyveculus pounds his chest plate, itching for a fight. Enforcer calls Ty a “joke,” then declares he doesn’t like any of the heroes. Major Victory: “Man, that was hellafunny, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Enforcer: “SHUT UP!” Great...the one other guy who doesn’t like the Major, and it’s this 'roided rival. Fat Momma snaps about Enforcer’s body odor, only to have Lemuria telling her to shut up. Enforcer reminds them that he was on their side once, but they insulted him. “The game starts tonight,” he seethes, as Major Victory gives his own gritty look. “I suggest you all watch your backs.” Tyveculus looks exasperated, interviewing about feeling betrayed because being a bad guy wasn’t what Enforcer signed up for. Ty...I love ya, but if the Enforcer was a bigger plant, he’d be Swamp Thing. Fat Momma tells us that she has to keep her eyes and ears open.
After Dark Enforcer departs, Stan tells the team that they’re probably shocked, but he reminds them that there would be twists, and Dark Enforcer is proof of that. “From this point on,” Stan says, “you’d better be on your game, because now more than ever, nothing will be exactly as it seems.”
Meeting. Creature tells us that the others became angry about the Enforcer turning evil because they don’t know what will happen next. Tyveculus gripes that he’d rather go back to his job than play a “bad person” for the show. Fat Momma figures that’s just Enforcer, and she states that it’s important to tell the truth, and nobody says to walk around and be nice. Lemuria: “Nice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to lose at the end of the game. I still want to be friends with these people.” Momma: “If you’re silly enough to let it get to you and not be a goo sport at the end...” Now the two heroines are fighting, and I’m feeling that I’m missing some of the story. Lemuria dismisses Momma, saying that this is what “they” want. Momma goes on about winning the game. Lemuria: “Kiss my natural brown ass!” Damn! More bickering. Feedback deduces that Dark Enforcer has done his job because heroes are turning on each other. He tells the team that they’ll rise whenever they get challenged.
Feedback expositions that Stan sent them out on a challenge. The deal: each hero gets $20. One at a time, they walk into a nearby café and order lunch. Stan will decide if their choices are befitting of a superhero. Separate shots of the heroes walking into the café in full costume. Feedback figures this is a trap because it’s “too easy,” but he didn’t see any cameras in the place, so he hung out and got his food. He thanks a waitress, and she gives a weird smile. For some reason, I think she might have been on a reality show. Then again, I’d probably think that of anybody 18-30 in Los Angeles and in good shape.
Lair. The heroes file in, putting their food down. I wonder how many of them ordered hero sandwiches. Stan welcomes them and is about to start when he’s interrupted. “Excuse me, boss,” Dark Enforcer says, as the music gets dramatic and the heroes make “oh, crap!” faces. Enforcer pops up on a screen next to the one Stan’s on, which must be a perk for turning to the dark side. “You got bigger fish to fry than this stupid food game!” he tells Stan. “You’d be surprised what we can find with a little bribery and a restaurant full of cameras.” He asks Stan the first rule for being a superhero. Stan’s response: never give up the secret identity. Cut to the heroes looking sad. Enforcer: “Ooooh, you’re not gonna like this, boss.” Stan folds his arms like a pissed-off teacher. Enforcer mockingly waves to the heroes, and we fade to art.
After a quick recap, Stan orders the footage to be rolled. Dark Enforcer disappears in favor of black-and-white footage from the café. Tyveculus tells the waitress that he’ll take his order to go. There’s a mild flirtatious vibe about Ty sticking around, since he doesn’t want to scare the customers. She asks for his name, and he introduces himself as Tyveculus, “Ty” for short. I feel vindicated for abbreviating the name. The waitress presses for his real name Finally, Ty asks her to keep it to herself, since people could be watching. He slips his driver’s license from underneath an armband. Very suave. She reads it out loud: “E. Quincy Sloan.” D’oh! Back at the lair, Ty looks on, while Stan shakes his head. Ty interviews about being pissed at himself. “[Dark Enforcer] might have set up the trap,” he adds, “but I’m the one that walked right into it.”
Footage. Feedback orders his food, and the same waitress asks if he’s an actor. He says that he isn’t, then introduces himself. Once again, she asks for a real name. Tense music plays. Feedback: “I can’t disclose my secret identity.” Triumphant music plays, and Stan gives a slight smile. On the other screen, Dark Enforcer gives the “I’ll get you next time!!!” face. Feedback interviews that he’s happy about not letting Stan down, adding that this challenge was easy. “Cameras or no cameras,” he points out, “a superhero never gives up his true identity.”
Footage. Creature giggles to a waiter. He asks if she’s on a reality show, then asks for her name. She gives it up right away: “Tonya Kay.” The waiter asks if they have to wear the costumes all day. She tells him about her new outfit, which he thinks is sexy. “Man, I really failed this test,” she interviews. “How could I have fallen for that?”
Up next is Lemuria. Jimmy (the waiter) asks for her name, and she introduces herself as “Tonatzin." She blinks at the footage, wondering what she was thinking, and knowing she fell for it.
Here comes Major Victory, who has passed every test so far. Waitress: “As a human, I’m CC.” Major: “CC? As a human, I’m Chris.” Down goes the Major! Down goes the Major! CC asks if he’s on a reality show, and he confirms it. “This really was an eye-opener for me,” he glumly interviews. “Sadly, today I was a weiner, not a winner.”
Next to the plate is Fat Momma. Jimmy introduces himself, then asks for her real name. Cue the thick tension. “Just Fat Momma,” she tells him. “I’m trying to rid the world of bullies, one doughnut at a time.” I’m guessing that the heroes get paid every time they spout off their catchphrases. Stan smiles, while Momma tries not to beam too brightly. “I just like to go around,” she tells Jimmy, “and see what I can do to help people out.” She interviews about being proud of her actions.
Finally, we come to Monkey Woman. Jimmy gives her a bunch of bananas. She introduces herself as “Monkey Woman, a.k.a. Mary.” Uh oh. Jimmy asks if this is a reality show. She nods. He admits to wanting to become an actor, but he doesn’t know how to start. Monkey Woman offers up three websites for him to check up. Stan folds his arms. “I have really messed up,” Monkey Woman admits. “I was trying to help that waiter, but all I was doing was giving away valuable information.”
Denouement. Stan cannot believe what he saw. Dark Enforcer: “Oops!” He’s obnoxious, but the group totally deserved that. Stan orders the team into the living room...it’s time for an elimination. Feedback’s face looks tense, and he actually did the right thing. Major Victory: “I have a new name: Major Dumbass.” Dark Enforcer taunts the heroes, wishing them luck.
Living room. Stan goes into review mode, noting that the challenge was about commitment and sincerety. He wanted to find which heroes can commit to their persona, and which ones can be easily persuaded. Needless to say, he was shocked by the results. He goes off about Superhero Commandment Numero Uno: Thou Shalt Not Give Up Thy Secret Identity. “Look at Clark Kent and Peter Parker,” Stern Stan lectures. “How many times have they been tempted to reveal who they really are? Unlike what happened with most of you, it would have taken a lot more than a little flirtation for them to reveal their true identities.” Make your own Civil War joke. Stan compliments Fat Momma and Feedback for not giving up the goods. The rest of them failed, and one of them disappointed Stan the most.
Stan calls on Monkey Woman, ordering her front and center. Turns out she was the only hero to give up her name without being asked. Cut to her introducing herself to Jimmy. Stan expresses how troubled he feels by her giving him websites for actor auditions, which is backed up by a flashback. Stan: “How do you know about such websites?” Ummm...she learned about them by watching him? Monkey Woman: “Because I too am an actress.” Bad move, simian sister. Dramatic drums pound as we zoom in on her. Stan is even more upset now, because everybody had to be here for the right reasons, and she had originally told him that she was a real estate investor and not an actress. She’s from California, buddy...can’t she be both? “But today the truth came out,” Sermonizin’ Stan notes, “and I couldn’t be more disappointed. Being a superhero shouldn’t be a shortcut to an acting job. It’s a way of life.” Monkey Woman stands strong, even though she’s dug herself a grave deep enough to fit Mighty Joe Young.
Stan: “Fat Momma...please get the trash can.” The massive matriarch places the can next to Monkey Woman, who chooses this time to start begging for survival. She’s really sorry for lying to him, and she now knows it was wrong. Stan looks on. Heroes look on. We fade to art, and we come back to even more drama. I think some old-school Batman narration is in order.
Will Stan Lee cut Monkey Woman from the team? Can the Primate Princess save herself from the cold streets of the urban jungle, where she would have to pay for her bananas? Tune in next week...same Stan time, same Stan chan-oh, crap, he’s made a decision...
“Monkey Woman...turn in your costume.” Totally deserved, even if she felt like it was the right thing to do. She places her staff and a bracelet in the trash can, as the heroes mournfully look on. She smiles at Stan’s monitor and does a graceful cartwheel. Her stuff gets blown up in the can. Lemuria looks shaken up.
Monkey Woman packs up, interviewing how it sucks for this to end for her. She adds that she’ll miss the other heroes. “Monkey Woman will definitely live on,” she adds, “and somewhere in a tree near you, you’ll be hearing the telltale...” Then she breaks into her trademark monkey noises, as we see her walk down the stairs. Awwwwww. I’ll be keeping an eye out for her...or at least for the business cards dropped from the tallest trees.
Living room. Stan hopes they all learned a valuable lesson about giving up their identities. “And when a superhero tells you something,” he adds, “you gotta be able to take it to the bank. Honesty is the number one trait of being a superhero. I won’t tolerate anything less.” He orders the team to bed, telling them to think about what they learned. Tyveculus interviews that the test was about commitment and he failed. “It won’t happen again,” he foreshadows. “It can’t happen again.” Creature: “The group just keeps dwindling and getting smaller, and then recent members of the group come back and are your enemies.”
Daytime at the Lair. Stan Headroom is in the kitchen, telling the heroes about the scariest challenge yet. “I’m sorry to say,” he adds, “it won’t get any more difficult than this one.” He orders the team to meet up on the roof. Major Victory doesn’t know what to expect, but he knows that the competition is getting crazier.
Rooftop. The group gathers around a television set. Stan says that one of the main attributes of a superhero is courage. He adds that they’re expected to have nerves of steel, and they will be tested on their nerves in the most dangerous challenge so far. Cut to a woman from a higher adjacent rooftop screaming for help, smoke billowing near her. Major Victory waves to her, yelling that they’ll be there to help. Stan points out the obvious: that woman is in desperate need of help. Since the heroes can’t fly to her, he’s dreamed up another way to get to the damsel. He orders them to look over the roof’s edge. “Careful!” he advises. “It’s a long way down!” The gang peer over the edge to see a construction crew at work. Stan directs their attention to a narrow beam, which will be placed so they can walk to the damsel. They also get a rope to guide them as they bring the lady to safety. “I’m aware that this is a dangerous challenge,” Snarky Stan says. “But hey...no one said it’s easy to be a superhero.” Fat Momma smiles, Lemuria looks nervous, and Creature grins. The damsel yells some more, and we fade to her yelling “Help!”
Lair. Tyveculus brings up his experience with the fire service, adding that he got thirteen weeks of training. Lemuria notes that they Ty trained that long for what they’re about to do. Ty notes that the challenge is about testing courage. Creature tell Lemuria it’s a big test, since she’s afraid of heights. Ty: “I’ve seen people get hurt and we’ve had people killed in smaller things than this.” Thanks for the pep talk! Feedback: “Game on.”
Stan: “Superheroes! It’s time!” Cut to Major Victory slowly walking towards Dark Enforcer. The Major lets us in on another twist: the Enforcer gets to blindfold them before they start off. Creature thinks that any human being would be scared.
Rooftop. Damsel yells some more. Dark Enforcer escorts the blind Creature to the beam, directing up up the stairs leading to it. Cut to the damsel yelling some more, as we see a beam on her rooftop. Enforcer gets Creature to feel the rope, and she starts walking on the beam. Walking. Tense music. Damsel yells some more. The wind whips up. Cut to an overhead shot to reveal that Creature is walking over a blue mat, nowhere near the roof's edge. Dark Enforcer hams it up nearby, enjoying the plight of the heroine. In a weird twist, the damsel has a twin waiting for Creature at the end of the beam.
Montage! Each hero slowly walks on the beam. Lemuria makes her stride in impractical high-heeled boots. “This is nuts,” she interviews. “I’m five stories off the ground and I’m terrified.” Cut to a shot showing that she’s five inches from the ground. “And now the wind’s starting to blow like a freakin’ hurricane.” Cut to Dark Enforcer wielding a giant electric fan. Major Victory nears his target, openly hoping the wind doesn’t mess up his hair. Spilt screen of Dark Enforcer hamming it up some more. Fat Momma, Feedback and Lemuria reach the end of the beam. Fat Momma tells the damsel to take one of her doughnuts for energy. Cut to the damsel hanging onto Tyveculus. Major Victory: “Hold your hands on my sexy hips!” Has Superman ever said that before? He wiggles his hips a little, stumbling on the beam. The heroes escort the damsel on their respective runs. Feedback orders her to hang onto his belt. Lemuria and Ty go forward. Ty notes that she didn’t ask for his name. He introduces himself, and gets thanked as they reach the end.
Lemuria is done, as the damsel stands on the blue area. Stan congratulates her, then instructs her to take off her blindfold. She does as told, and the damsel laughs, direction Lemuria to her twin. The heroine screams and laughs. Fat Momma takes off her blindfold, and she doesn’t notice the lack of peril right away. Once it dawns on her, she laughs. Tyveculus does a double take as he sees the twin on the rooftop.
Creature gets to the end, and Dark Enforcer turns her around. She takes off her blindfold and laughs. “I felt like there was a direction change!” she says. Major Victory takes his blindfold off. “You are hot,” he tells the damsel. She laughs, and he looks down to realize he got fooled. Feedback takes his blindfold off, not giving any real reaction to how “dangerous” this test was. Stan appears on the billboard, telling him that he passed the test. Feedback actually wanted to go from ledge to leade. He boasts about going all the way, and that nothing will stop him from winning. He keeps shooting his mouth off until Dark Enforcer taps his chest and threatens to take him down. “You’re gonna get me?” Feedback snipes. “Try with all of your might.” Enforcer points a finger at Feedback, their rivalry in full effect.
Living room. Stan tells the team that this was quite a challenge for team. He apologizes for the trickery, reminding them that this was a test of courage, not the ability to fly. All of the heroes completed the task, but somebody has to go. Turns out Stan has something in store for them. “I’ll give you all the rare opportunity,” he goes on, “to appreciate how difficult my job is.” The challenge: each hero will stand up and declare – in their best superhero manner – who deserves to be eliminated. Major Victory: “Woooow.” Stan adds that they must consider each other’s character, actions and personality, and they have to justify why their choice is no superhero. The Major interviews that this will be the hardest thing. “I don’t think this is hard at all,” Tyveculus announces aloud, “especially when you have a trained eye.” He turns his head to the side. “You know exactly who has the qualities of a superhero.”
Suddenly, Creature rushes to the front, wanting to go first. She talks about looking at a room of superheroes, not knowing what she’s doing here. She turns to Stan’s screen. “I think I should be taken off the show,” she says. Tense music. Stan turns to the side. Fade to art.
Coming back from commercials, Creature goes on about wondering why she’s not folding under the pressure, and she isn’t sure that she should be the superhero. She turns to Stan’s monitor, telling him that she doesn’t want to get her wrong about quitting, because she still wants to play.
After Creature sits down, Stan asks Major Victory who he thinks should be eliminated. He tells Stan that he won’t make things easier for him. He tells Feedback that he has the biggest heart. To Fat Momma: “You’re just a love.” Awwwww. The Major admits to Lemuria that he also has a fear of heights. To Tyveculus: “You’re what I strive to be, man.” He calls Creature “the most free spirit.” Turning to Stan, Major Victory picks himself for elimination.
Stan asks for a volunteer. Tyveculus gets up. He thinks Lemuria’s determination is outstanding, but she lacks self-control. In his eyes, she is missing the ability to know when to give up. Before the challenge, she had talked about getting through it even if it meant her life. Lemuria smiles, not believing what she’s hearing. Ty asks her if she would risk her life. Lemuria tries to reply, saying that wasn’t going to do that. Ty notes that he went up before her in order to let her justify her actions. He thinks that she has to understand her limitations, and he didn’t think that she did, making her a liablity to herself and the others. Ty tells “Mr. Lee” that he chooses Lemuria for elimination. She sighs, clearly not happy with Ty’s opinion.
Feedback comes up next. He feels that he’s inhibiting the others’ ability to enjoy the experience because he takes things too seriously. Feedback thinks he should be eliminated. Stan folds his hands as Feedback sits down.
Here comes Lemuria. She feels that everybody has different qualities...some she agrees with and some she doesn’t (close-up on Tyveculus). She thinks that the heroes are good and she loves them all. She tells Stan that if he can’t make a choice, she’ll volunteer herself.
Stan calls up Fat Momma. She doesn’t want to do his job, she doesn’t wish to go over the reasons why they should go, and she wants to stay in the game. Stan points out that it’s important to find out who she would elect. Momma figures that if she had to pick somebody, she’d choose Feedback, because he gets too upset with himself. “At any moment,” she notes, “he could snap.” Thank you! I’ve been thinking that from the first week! Fat Momma would pick Feedback for his safety.
Stan wraps things up, saying that he knows what he needs to do. He orders the team to the roof...it’s time for an elimination.
Rooftop. Lit cubes. The heroes arrive and step up on the cubes. Stan pops up on the billboard, wasting no time in ordering Tyveculus and Fat Momma on the red cubes. Stan then orders the final red cube to be turned off, because nobody else will be stepping forward. Stan looks very serious, as we fade to art.
Coming back, Stan states that the purpose of the show is to find a person with all the essential qualities of a superhero, and each one has demonstrated these one of those qualities is self-sacrifice. Stan admits he can’t measure the sincerity of the four heroes who volunteered to walk off, but they did the right thing, because it was a heroic thing to say. As for Tyveculus and Fat Momma? They pointed a “derogatory finger” at their fellow heroes. “Superheroes would never sacrifice a fellow hero,” he adds. “They’d choose to take the bullet themselves.”
Stan turns to Tyveculus, openly wondering if he picked Lemuria for the right reasons. Stan asks Ty of he doesn’t think she’s a good superhero, or if he just doesn’t like her. One thing is for sure: Ty failed the self-sacrifice test. Stan comes to Fat Momma next...she failed while picking Feedback, but Stan thinks her choice was made out of compassion. “I think, in your way,” Stan continues, “you were trying to save him, and at the end of the day, saving people is the business we’re in.”
You can probably guess what happens next. “Tyveculus...turn in your costume.” Great...the one guy I was rooting for, and he’s done. Ty nods and steps off his cube towards the trash can. Lemuria quietly says “sorry” as he inserts his articles into the can. Major Victory gets off his cube and hugs Ty, not wanting for him to go without saying goodbye. Feedback and Fat Momma join in on the group hug, with Momma getting on the verge of tears. She tells Ty that he’s a superhero for helping her. The trio say farewell, while Creature and Lemuria stay on their cubes. Ty places his helmet on the bottom of the can. Cue the lightning and smoke, followed by Ty walking away.
Tyveculus packs up, thinking Stan might have been right. He admits to possibly not having a right reason for pointing his finger at Lemuria, and maybe he let personal feeling get in the way. “What was I thinking?” he interviews. “Stan told us on the first night that we’d be tested on self-sacrifice. I should have remembered that, and now I’m paying the price...the ultimate price of being eliminated.”
Roof. Fat Momma is back on her cube, voice cracking as she expresses how sorry she is for Tyveculus getting eliminated. She adds that she’d prefer to go in his place. “I feel like my spirit is broken,” she sniffles out. Stan isn’t in the mood for a reprieve, as he tells the heroes that this would never be easy. He orders them to get some rest. “We’ve come another step closer,” he concludes, “to immortalizing one of you.” The heroes get off their cubes.
Lair. Fat Momma feels like the others were fake in sacrificing themselves, adding that Lemuria pretends to be so emotional. Lemuria snaps that Momma crossed the line. Both argue some more. Lemuria interviews that she’s do whatever it takes to win. “Stan’s gonna have to do a lot more than that to outsmart me,” she adds. Major Victory says that they lost a great man in Tyveculus, and it isn’t easy for him. Fat Momma declares that is the reason why she’s upset. She interviews that she’s having a hard time with this, and she thinks things are getting harder after every elimination. She adds that she was just playing a game at first, but now she has a plan: get payback for Ty. She concludes: “I’m gonna make sure that each of them go before I do.” Fade out on five panels of our heroes.
With Tyveculus gone, I think it would take a major boo-boo for Major Victory to lose. Creature has been failed the most tests, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s a plant like Dark Enforcer, if not merely Rotiart. Notice how she jumped up first and volunteered herself out of the game. Could she have seen Stan’s plan without a script? Lemuria looks a bit bitchy, albeit nowhere near as bad as some of the other women I’ve recapped. Fat Momma? She’s a little broken, and I can’t see a doughnut-eating forty-something being a heroine. Feedback? We might as well call him “Tick” because he’s a walking time bomb. In my mind, Tyveculus had the best shot to deny the Major the comic book and the movie. But it wasn’t to be...he wasn’t honest to Stan about the crap costume, and he was too honest about wanting Lemuria gone.
Next time: Dealing with convicts! Major Victory: “This is not a conjugal visit.” Guard: “The way you’re dressed, I can’t guarantee that!” Also: one hero has a dark, dark secret!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Delays & Other Stuff
I haven't really started working on the latest episode of Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, because I was working on a profile piece. In other words, I might be able to get the recap in by Thursday. This is for the eight or ten people who know about this blog.
While I'm thinking about it:
1. Last week's WWTBAH episode was a bit of a bummer. I understand the defrocking of Monkey Woman, who crashed and burned by revealing her "secret identity" and the fact that she's an actress. Apparently, Stan Lee hasn't figured out that anybody in California can be found on IMDB. But the departure that hurt the most was that of Tyveculus. Last week, he wasn't honest to Stan about his crappy new costume. One week later, he was too honest about his feeling for Lemuria, and he got the heave-ho over Fat Momma. Meanwhile, Creature has messed up most of her challenges, and she's still there.
To review: Creature: brings little to the table. Fat Momma: starting to crack under the pressure. Lemuria: turning into the token bitch of the show (albeit far hotter and tamer than what I deal with). Feedback: a ticking time bomb. Basically, it would take a complete disaster for Major Victory to not win this competition. I'm not finding him that annoying as before (especially since he screwed up for the first time), but it's still too easy to call.
2. Looks like Theo and Darrell will finally be sweating during a Challenge. Theo & Chanda got sent into Exile by Derrick & Diem, and the other players (including the odious Wes and Tina) kicked Darrell & Aviv in. Both guys have been in three Challenges apiece, and neither one have been close to getting eliminated. Actually, Theo did get ousted from Battle of the Network Reality Stars, but we pretend that never happened.
Assuming neither one of them bail themselves out, who do I root for? On the one hand, I still remember Darrell as being part of the Road Rules alliance to boot out Sarah during The Gauntlet, and he does massacre the English language. On the other hand, Theo disrespected Chip during BONRS, and he won "Last Comic Downloaded" on Last Comic Standing, despite the fact that his material manly consists of Kevin Federline and his really old father. So I'll be pulling for Pootie next week.
With Coral & Evan gone, it looks like we're not going to get a happy ending. Darrell & Aviv seem like the most harmless team to pull through, followed by Theo & Chanda. It would be worth it for Derrick to finally win a Challenge, but Diem looks too screwy and fake for my taste. Kenny seems nice, but Tina's a motormouth who can't possibly back up her big mouth. Wes & Casey? You're kidding, right? They have the combined intelligence of an average Big Brother contestant, they've won five Exiles based on the luggage weight and stupidity of the other teams, and you get the feeling that Wes would have taken Casey out if he could gotten away with it. It would be like watching Beth win over and over again last season, only fifty times worse.
3. It's official...I'm going to the Baltimore Comic Con next month. I found a room for $89 per night, it's a three hour drive, and the Orioles will be in town for the weekend to face the Yankees. Last time I went down there was 1994, during the players' strike. My family and myself wanted to see the Orioles at Camden Yards, but ended up taking a tour of the stadium instead. Also, we went to nearby Bowie to see the Baysox. Anyway...it's a two-day convention, and it'll be cheaper than last year's trip to Toronto.
While I'm thinking about it:
1. Last week's WWTBAH episode was a bit of a bummer. I understand the defrocking of Monkey Woman, who crashed and burned by revealing her "secret identity" and the fact that she's an actress. Apparently, Stan Lee hasn't figured out that anybody in California can be found on IMDB. But the departure that hurt the most was that of Tyveculus. Last week, he wasn't honest to Stan about his crappy new costume. One week later, he was too honest about his feeling for Lemuria, and he got the heave-ho over Fat Momma. Meanwhile, Creature has messed up most of her challenges, and she's still there.
To review: Creature: brings little to the table. Fat Momma: starting to crack under the pressure. Lemuria: turning into the token bitch of the show (albeit far hotter and tamer than what I deal with). Feedback: a ticking time bomb. Basically, it would take a complete disaster for Major Victory to not win this competition. I'm not finding him that annoying as before (especially since he screwed up for the first time), but it's still too easy to call.
2. Looks like Theo and Darrell will finally be sweating during a Challenge. Theo & Chanda got sent into Exile by Derrick & Diem, and the other players (including the odious Wes and Tina) kicked Darrell & Aviv in. Both guys have been in three Challenges apiece, and neither one have been close to getting eliminated. Actually, Theo did get ousted from Battle of the Network Reality Stars, but we pretend that never happened.
Assuming neither one of them bail themselves out, who do I root for? On the one hand, I still remember Darrell as being part of the Road Rules alliance to boot out Sarah during The Gauntlet, and he does massacre the English language. On the other hand, Theo disrespected Chip during BONRS, and he won "Last Comic Downloaded" on Last Comic Standing, despite the fact that his material manly consists of Kevin Federline and his really old father. So I'll be pulling for Pootie next week.
With Coral & Evan gone, it looks like we're not going to get a happy ending. Darrell & Aviv seem like the most harmless team to pull through, followed by Theo & Chanda. It would be worth it for Derrick to finally win a Challenge, but Diem looks too screwy and fake for my taste. Kenny seems nice, but Tina's a motormouth who can't possibly back up her big mouth. Wes & Casey? You're kidding, right? They have the combined intelligence of an average Big Brother contestant, they've won five Exiles based on the luggage weight and stupidity of the other teams, and you get the feeling that Wes would have taken Casey out if he could gotten away with it. It would be like watching Beth win over and over again last season, only fifty times worse.
3. It's official...I'm going to the Baltimore Comic Con next month. I found a room for $89 per night, it's a three hour drive, and the Orioles will be in town for the weekend to face the Yankees. Last time I went down there was 1994, during the players' strike. My family and myself wanted to see the Orioles at Camden Yards, but ended up taking a tour of the stadium instead. Also, we went to nearby Bowie to see the Baysox. Anyway...it's a two-day convention, and it'll be cheaper than last year's trip to Toronto.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Who Wants To Be A Superhero? #2: Mad Dogs & Makeovers
We’ve established that this show is a hit, but there’s one problem: it takes too long to get into the action. Apparently, we’ll be getting the introductory spiel every week. Not only is that two minutes and 44 seconds long, but you can make out who gets eliminated from the highlights. Then we have 41 seconds of cheesy credits, followed by 1:10 worth of recap from last week’s episode. That’s 4:35 before any new material.
Previously on Who Wants To Be A Superhero?: Stan Lee assembled twelve novices aspriring to be the next great superhero. Wait...I meant eleven, since Rotiart was working with Stan from the beginning to weed out those that don’t have their hearts in the right place. Oh, and “Rotiart” spelled backwards is “Traitor.” In an ironic twist for a show that parallels The Apprentice, Levity the action figure entrepreneur was dismissed. Next, the heroes had to go out in public, change into their costumes, and run back. Sounds simple...until we see a little girl crying for her mommy. Nitro G not only missed the kid, but he also had people noticing him change, so he was sent packing to Staten Island, where his fellow working at the comic shop will never let him hear the end of it. Nine heroes remain...who turns in their costume tonight?
Stan wastes no time in assembling the heroes to the living room. There’s Monkey Woman in the kitchen in full costume. I’m guessing that the players are in hero drag 24/7. Does spandex smell after constant wear? Lemuria interviews that she gets scared and excited when Stan pops up because she doesn’t know if they’re going on a mission or if an elimination is coming.
The team gathers around the monitor. Stan has a pre-breakfast assignment for them. “If you think the person standing next to you is not superhero material,” he says, “now is the time to let me know.” The task: write questions to ask to each other. No names need to be given. Put the questions in a tube, and stick that in a pseudo-pneumatic pipe, so Stan can read them out loud. “Let’s see how each of you reacts under pressure,” he continues, “when you’re on the hot seat.”
The gang writes down their questions, sneaking looks at each other. Tyveculus wishes it wasn’t an anoymous procedure, and he feels these questions shows a person’s hear and true character. Iron Enforcer writes his stuff down. He interviews: “Bet your ass I got some questions for these pinheads.” Save your hatred, folks...it’s gonna be a long episode. Creature collects the questions in the tube and drops in down the pipe, as we get a cheesy CGI lightshow.
Stan’s back with the questions. “Ouch,” he playfully winces at the query for Creature. “This is a little rough.” The question: “Your hair is starting to scare me. When [was] the last time you washed it?” The heroes laugh, but that quickly fades. Creature notes that her hair stores her powers, and washing it renders her powerless. Enforcer gives out a “What the hell?!?” face. “Creature needs to work on her appearance,” he snipes in an interview. “She looks like a homeless Princess Leia.”
Stan: “This next question is a little mean-spirited.” Fat Momma grins until she hears this: “Do you really think that a fat superheroine would be a good role model for children?” Tense music plays as the heroes look on and Iron Enforcer grins. “I certainly do,” Momma replies, “or I wouldn’t be here.” She looks hurt in her interview, saying that if anybody has a problem with her weight, they should say it to her face. I understand the pain, but come on. She’s heavy, has “fat” in her name, has “Nell” as her real first name, and she wasn’t expecting a question like that? Gimme a break.
Iron Enforcer gets the next question: “It’s starting to stink in here. Would it kill you to use a little anti-perspirant?” Everybody gets a chuckle out of this, including Enforcer himself. Fat Momma: “He doesn’t even wear clothes! All he has ro do is wash under his arms and put on some deodorant.” Enforcer responds by simulating pass gas. “Whatever,” he interviews. “I don’t care what people think of me. I’m not here to make any friends at all. I’m only here to win the prize.”
The next question goes to Major Victory, who is all smiles. “Do you think a superhero who’s a male stripper sends a bad message to the kids?” More tense music, as the smile all but vanishes. The Major interviews that this was a low blow, and he’d like to know who asked that. The heroes laugh as Major tries to spin about how he’s not a stripper anymore, and that he could spread his experience to the youth. Tyveculus tries to run with that, but Major cuts him off: “I’m not saying, ‘Hit a pole, kids!’” Nice recovery. He interviews that he just wanted to show that he learned from his mistakes.
Last question goes to our least-favorite bald-headed goon: “Iron Enforcer seems to be on steroids. Is that legal?” Monkey Woman and Lemuria’s mouths hang open. “If steroids are used for a positive thing,” Enforcer answers, “I think it’s a good thing, no?” The others remain quiet, and Fat Momma looks stunned. “What the hell?” Enforcer interviews. “Are you kidding me? I look better than anyone else in this house. How dare they single me out when they’re the ones with all the problems.” Okay, then. Creature wraps things up by telling us this was the “first cruel day” because the line between people and their alter egos is getting blurred. Stan dismisses the team so that they can have a quick breakfast before the next challenge.
Kitchen. Lemuria wonders what the next challenge will be. Major Victory figures it will be hard. Naturally, Stan pops up on the monitor. He notes that the group answered questions that tested their emotional courage and integrity, and it’s time to test one of the qualities that make a superhero.
Now we’re riding in “the transport.” Stan voiceovers to the gang, leading them to a “little old lady” who has locked herself out of the house. Said granny thanks the heroes for their arrival, as Major Victory and Feedback snap off quick salutes. Granny tells the team to go through an alley, where she’ll wait for them at the door. Cut to the team walking in slow-motion. “All you have to do,” Stan voiceovers, “is climb over the back fence, go through the back door, and let her into the house.” The team finds the fence and do a quick homage to The Little Rascals, as they pop their heads over the top. Anybody else smell the aroma of multiple takes? Cut to two really determined German Shepherds barking and snarling. Very nice. The heroes look scared, while the dogs bark, snarl, and push on a loose piece of fence. Only thing missing here is bits of Levity and Nitro G’s costumes hanging from their teeth.
Coming back from commercials, we get a warning: “The following event involves HIGHLY TRAINED ATTACK DOGS under the supervision of experts and should not be attempted by anyone anywhere, anyplace under ANY circumstances.” Just once, I’d like to see a warning that ends with “Y’know what? Screw it. Get yourself hurt or killed. See if we care.”
Dogs barking. Nervous heroes. Fat Momma tells us that the dogs almost knocked the fence over getting to the heroes. “Holy smokes,” Lemuria interviews. “There’s the back door, and it looks like it’s a mile away.”
Suddenly, an ambulance siren wails, as the vehicle screeches to a halt. Two guys pop out, open the back doors...and there’s Stan on the monitor, which is resting on a stretcher. He tells his charges that he would hate for their costumes to be ruined. One of the guys presents a protective suit, complete with “Major Victory” on the back. Major: “I think I have a new name: Major Dog Food.”
Stan goes over the challenge: get past the dogs and touch the back door with any part of the body. This challenge is all about courage and tenacity, and if any hero loses courage, all they have to do is say “uncle” for the dogs to back off. Stan expresses his curiosity about who makes it to the door, and how long they last before giving up. Tyveculus volunteers to go first, so he can tire the dogs out. “Be my guest,” Creature interviews, “as long as it’s not me.”
Tyveculus gets suited up, while the dogs growl in anticipation. He interviews that he’s faced dangerous situations as a firefighter in the past, but his heart is racing right now. Ty drops over the fence and charges. The dogs charge. Ty actually knocks both dogs down, forcing at least one of them to whimper. Both canines hang onto Ty’s left sleeve as he hits the ground and flips over. He quickly crawls up the stairs leading to the door, lifting a dog with him. Ty touches the door after sixteen seconds, pushing one of the pooches away afterwards. Shot of Ty staring at the dogs. Shot of one of them barking. Shot of Ty looking back fiercely. He interviews that he accomplished his mission, and he doesn’t think anybody can match his time.
Creature steps up next, laughing as the dogs bark at her. “Tyveculus made it,” she interviews. “I weigh as much as one of his legs. I’m chopped liver, and dogs like liver.” She runs out, only to get knocked back by the dogs. One goes for her arm, while another grabs a leg. They manage to drag her around before she cries uncle after twelve seconds. Creature gasps and laughs afterwards. She interviews that the dogs were playing tug-of-war with her. Let’s go to the 'Roid Gallery for reaction. “It’s one thing to laugh if you accomplish your goal,” Iron Enforcer interviews, “but Blondie didn’t even make it to the door, and she was laughing anyway. How stupid is that?”
Speaking of the Enforcer, he’s up next. He interviews about being a bouncer, and how he’ll throw the dogs across the field if necessary. He lets the dogs come to him, and they slam into him so hard that the fence opens up from the impact. Both dogs grab his left sleeve as he makes a run for it, dragging his new friends along for the ride. Enforcer makes it to the steps, falls over...and then yells uncle in 23 seconds. Huh? He tells us that he can’t believe he did that one step away from the door. Monkey Woman: “How are you that big and get that close to the door, and just quit? I don’t understand it.”
Feedback interviews about refusing to let Stan down again. He adds, “It’s gonna take more than two attack dogs to stop me.” Both dogs charge, grabbing Feedback’s left side, sending him stumbling. Caption: “You...will...not...take...me...down!” Damn, Feedback loves ellipses as much as I do. The dogs do take him down to the ground, pulling him away from the door. Feedback: “This...will not...be the end.” Aside from Iron Enforcer, I’d say Feedback makes me the most nervous amongst the heroes. He touches the door at 33 seconds. “It felt amazing to complete my mission,” he interviews. “Stan’s gotta be proud of me now.”
Here comes Fat Momma, snacking on a cruller before her run. So those doughnuts aren’t mere props? The dogs bark as Momma tossing a cruller onto the grass. Shot of dogs panting. Shot of the doughnut lying there. Shot of the dogs barking some more. Momma lumbers in her suit, crullers dropping from the clips in the front. The beasts grab her left sleeve, pulling her down and working on her collar. Momma declares that she can’t budge, and she uncles out at 18 seconds, laughing while laying on the ground. She interviews that she hoped the dogs would go for the doughnuts. Cut to the cruller still lying in the grass...and one of the dogs snaps it up. Very cute, even if it is editorial manipulation.
Major Victory climbs up the fence, playfully taunting the dogs. “This’ll be a cinch,” he brags in an interview. “Dogs love me, and I’m pretty easy to digest.” He salutes the “ferocious animals” before dropping to the other side. The dogs hang onto each arm, but the Major doesn’t go down. In fact, he manages to walk the dogs on their hind legs, snarking about how sexy they are. As much as I can’t stand the constant cheese, I have to give props for the effort. He reaches the door at 17 seconds, then proceeds to make humping motions and shouting, “Feel the love, baby! Feel the love!” He interviews that he was into it, and how he got an incredible adrenaline rush. “How’s my hair?” he asks the camera, as a tooth-sparkling effect is put in. Oy.
Lemuria steps up for her run, and she can’t believe that she’s walking into the yard with the “vicious dogs.” She runs, but they jump up and knock her down, pulling on her sleeves. She struggles and uncles out at 18 seconds. She interviews about trying, and now she hopes Stan doesn’t eliminate her.
Up comes Cell Phone Girl, who was bit by a dog once when she was young. This won’t end well. She jumps down, and the dogs knock her down, forcing her to say uncle after a mere four seconds. “I have a horrible headache,” she voiceovers, “and those dogs made it worse.” Cut to her lying on her back, groaning about how being a superhero was harder than she thought. Cue the tense music of foreshadowing.
Final hero up: Monkey Woman. She reminds us about disappointing Stan last week, and he gave her another chance. She adds, “Those dogs are going to have to kill me before I stop.” She drops down, runs out, and the dogs slam into her. Cut to the others turning their heads, followed by Creature running up to the fence to get a look. The dogs gnaw on Monkey Woman’s jacket, and we fade into art.
Back from commercials, the dogs are still snacking on our primate princess. Creature tells Monkey Woman to tap out, but she isn’t about to hear it. The dogs drag her about by the sleeve and collar. Elapsed time: 0:26 and counting. Creature interviews that she’s getting worried about Monkey Woman. Elapsed time: 1:11. The dogs are not letting go. Monkey Woman gasps as she’s dragged, and the dogs are still going at it. Time elapses: 3:47, 5:19, 7:06. On the up side, she’s getting dragged closer to the door. Fat Momma interviews that everybody else had either gotten to the door or quit in under one minute. She adds, “That girl just wouldn’t give up!”
Time elapsed: 9:03. Monkey Woman finally makes it up the stairs, the dogs pulling on her as she climbs up. At long last, she taps the door at 9:42. She gasps for the camera, telling us that this was the hardest thing she’s done. “I made it to that door,” she interviews afterwards. “I don’t care if it took me three hours. I was not going to give up.” Cut to her at the door making monkey noises, then fakes a fainting spell. At least I hope she was faking it.
Stan hits the heroes up on their communicators, complimenting them on the mission. He reminds that an elimination can happen at any time...and that time is now. Stan orders the team back to the living room over at the lair. Somebody’s gonna get cut.
Living room. The heroes line up in front of the monitor. Stan pops up, telling the group that the challenge was about courage...particularly for Monkey Woman. “I don’t know,” he continues, “if I’ve ever seen anything like what you did today.” She beams, the memories of getting shamed last week fading fast. “Young lady, I am very proud of you.” After Monkey Woman thanks Stan, he notes that not all of the heroes made it to the door, and three of them reacted in ways that makes him question their will to be superheroes.
Stan goes to Cell Phone Girl first, pointing out her complaining about her headache, followed by giving up. “If the world is in grave danger,” Snarky Stan wonders, “do we just ignore it because of a headache?” Since her time of four seconds was the shortest run, she gets to step forward.
Next, Stan takes a shot at Iron Enforcer. Again. Stan calls Enforcer the “biggest and strongest” one in the group, then brings up his giving up twelve inches from the door. He adds, “You just cannot get that close to accomplishing something and then quit.” Once again, Iron Enforcer steps forward towards possible elimination.
Stan moves on to Lemuria and Creature, since something bothered him in each of their runs. He tells Lemuria that she got far, but she let the dogs drag her away. “A little strategy might have come in handy there,” he opines. “You’ve got to be smarter with these challenges.” To her credit, Lemuria doesn’t ask Stan to put on the protective suit and see how long he lasts with the dogs. Instead, she wipes her eye. Stan then comes to Creature’s laughing during the mission. He's on the same wavelength as Iron Enforcer in terms of laughing while failing, but at least Stan isn’t a dick about it. Stan adds that the laughing makes him question her commitment and sincerity. Since Lemuria lasted longer in the mission, Creature is asked to step forward.
Stan asks the trio of troubled heroes to state why they shouldn’t be eliminated. Cell Phone Girl brings up the headache she still has, adding that she’s proud of herself for trying. Iron Enforcer’s plea: “I don’t want the others to get to know me for my physical side, which is the most apparent. It’s the spiritual side of me that’s my best quality. This is why I would like to say.” Say what? Creature claims the only sound she could make was laughter, and that fueled her. “I’m ready,” she declares, “and I might do it laughing, but I will be there and I’ll do it.” Stan claims that this is the most difficult decision he’s had to make, but somebody has to go home. Close-ups on our three heroes as we fade to art.
Coming back, Stan makes his choice: Cell Phone Girl. My approximate reaction: “ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!” Let’s just say I’m not a fan of Iron Enforcer...at least not yet. Enforcer looks relieved, and Creature glances at CPG. Stan: “I’m afraid you’re out of minutes.” Oh, that stunk. How about “Looks like your number is up”? Stan asks CPG to turn in her costume. She walks to the garbage can, taking off her gloves and discarding them. She interviews about being dissapointed, since she put so much time into being a superhero. She drops her cell phone and its case into the can, along with her cape. Lightning, fire, smoke, goodbye. Stan wraps things up by saying that everybody will miss CPG, and asks the team to meet him first thing tomorrow morning. He has a surprise for them that they might like.
Night lapses to day. Heroic music plays as Stan tells the team what this day is all about: fantasy fulfillment. Today, each hero is going to get a costume makeover. This triggers a huge reaction, as Stan calls on Lemuria to join him in another room.
Lemuria walks towards the camera, and we get a heels-to-head pan of her outfit: golden one-piece suit, high heels, and no visible bra. She interviews that she can’t wait to see Stan’s vision for her. “As far as your costume,” Stan notes, “disco is from the Seventies!” “And so am I,” Lemuria laughs. Stan calls forth two ladies in white suits and dark shades. He instructs them to give her what he wants, ordering them to blindfold her until she looks in a mirror. It’s awesome...the show is ripping off The Swan, but it’s a good thing.
The makeover maidens escort the blindfolded Lemuria to another room. We get a cheesy earthquake effect and a bright flash of light behind the doors. The room opens up to show Lemuria sparkling, CGI style. She now has more practical boots, a cape, some black to go with her gold, a collar that’s turned up, long gloves, and some cris-cross support up top. Stan orders her to remove the blindfold, and she walks to the mirror with closed eyes. Her reaction? Laughter and happiness. She tells us that she feels like a superhero. “It makes me feel like I can throw fireballs!” she gushes.
Lemuria rejoins the group, and they are in total awe about the makeover. She celebrates by busting out some martial arts moves. Monkey Woman loves Lemuria’s new costume, and she can’t wait to see her own makeover.
Here comes Tyveculus. He has black boots, a little exposed leg, a tunic, a breastplate with his symbol, a cape and a helmet. Honestly, not much tweaking to be done here. Stan asks Ty if he can trust him. Naturally, Ty consents to the revisions. The makeover maidens bring him to the hidden room. The doors close. Afterwards...oh, my. Ty still has boots and a cape. The breastplate has eight glittery things that spell out “T.” It looks like Tana Goertz got her hands on a Bedazzler and attacked Ty. The worst accessories? It’s a toss-up between the Trojanesque helmet with feathers sticking out (think Marvin the Martian) and the shoulder pads pointing to the sides. Ty opens his eyes, and we get the sound of a car screeching to a halt. He looks startled, gasping out a “whoa.” Sinister Stan says that this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind, and he asks Ty what he thinks. Ty manages to squeeze out a smile. “Today,” he declares, “my fantasy’s been fulfilled. I am a superhero. No...by the source of light, I am Tyveculus!” Right now, I’m not getting tired of that. Stan is glad that Ty is a happy camper, but Ty interviews that he was going to stay strong, yet he was doubting on the inside.
Tyveculus comes out, as the other heroes laugh and cheer. Ty seems cool at first, going as far as chicken-dancing with Major Victory. Feedback interviews that the new costume looks ridiculous, and the feathers make the helmet look like a giant fan. “Right now,” he tells Ty, “you’re Stan Lee’s biggest fan!” Ty is taken aback, as Feedback flashes the biggest smile. Hello, Major Dickweed! Ty asks Feedback if he doesn’t like it, and Feedback smiles and says nothing. Ty interviews about telling Stan that he liked the new duds, but he doesn’t like them. He adds, “I got this big feathery cock-a-doodle-doo on top of my head.” Ty tries to cut the feathers down, but he looks like a demented Mohawk. Ty makes a decision: he’s going to talk to Stan again and hope there’s no anger. In the dressing room. Stan keeps a straight face and asks Ty if he has a problem with the new outfit. Ty looks sheepish, and we fade to art.
Coming back, Tyveculus decides that he’ll deal with his new look, and that it’s okay to be laughed at. Stan: “It’s not ever okay for a superhero to be laughed at.” He orders Ty to put on his original costume. Ty interviews that he should be relieved, but he’s worried about letting Stan down.
Next up: Major Victory, Fat Momma and Feedback. Doors close, lights go off, yadda yadda yadda. Major Victory: “Yes! Mr. Shiny Pants!” All the makeover maidens did was give him a brighter outfit with padding, as well as replacing the “V” emblem that came off earlier. I’ll give credit to the Big Red Weiner: his costume is refreshing basic, and there’s little to improve on. Stan laughs as the Major, as he brags about not needing to work out anymore.
Fat Momma has her hair done up, stars dotting her collar. Her boots and top are still pink, but it looks more professional. She also has her own insignia: two lines forming a “M” on her chest. Also, her crullers have been moved to her sides. Stan: You have suddenly become Hot Momma now!” Didn’t need to hear that from Lecherous Lee.
Feedback has a costume that looks like something Frank Quitely designed for the X-Men. It looks like leather from head to toe, with a slanted “F” on his chest. Feedback loves the new look, as he whoops it up and breaks out the karate kicks. Stan: “Now that’s a superhero!”
More makeovers: Creature, Iron Enforcer and Monkey Woman. Creature comes out with braided hair, eyeshadow, a new top and black socks instead of striped. She loves the new looks. Monkey Woman’s fuzzy top is gone. I don’t see any other changes aside from a rolled-up vine on her side. He tells her that she has to live up to the costume. She responds the only way she can: with monkey noises. As for Iron Enforcer? He has white stuff on his right ankle and left knee, and that’s about it. He still looks like something Rob Liefeld drew in the mid-90s. Stan thinks that something isn’t right, but he can’t put a finger on it. Enforcer interviews that he doesn’t know what Stan is thinking. Stan tells the gruff hero that he’ll get back to him.
The neophytes show off their new duds to each other. Much happiness and hugging ensues. Tyveculus comes back in his original costume, and he tells the gang about how he didn’t like Stan’s new look for him. Feedback nods, agreeing with him. Ty interviews that he’s worried Stan will cut him. Speaking of Stan, here he is to remind the heroes that they’re being judged at all times...and it’s time for an elimination. Cut to Tyveculus, doing everything but tossing his helmet in the trash can. Stan tells the gang that he’ll see them on the roof.
Rooftop. Nine cubes lit up, two remaining dark in memory of Nitro G and Cell Phone Girl. The heroes step up on the cubes. Stan pops up on the billboard screen, going over the makeovers, noting that he watched how they acted. Tyveculus puts his head down. “Actually,” Stan continues, “it was quite telling.” Shots of nervous heroes. Stan goes through the spiel: three heroes step forward, one gets axed. Our trio this time: Tyveculus, Iron Enforcer and Feedback.
Stan sinks his teeth into Tyveculus first, saying that he was taken aback. Cut to flashback: “My fantasy has been fulfilled. I am a superhero.” Damn, that’s nasty. Stan says that he has no problem with Ty not liking the costume. “Honesty is one of the most important traits of a superhero,” he continues. “And yet you lied right to my face.” Come on...Stan wasn’t even in the room!
Lecturing Lee moves on to Feedback, unable to believe he made fun of Tyveculus’ new costume. Flashback: “Right now, you’re Stan Lee’s biggest fan!” Stan: “Superheroes make people feel better about themselves, not worse.” Feedback make an “Oh, crap” face He interviews that things make sense now, and he never should’ve teased Ty.
Stan comes to Iron Enforcer, noting that his head is on the chopping block at every elimination. He brings up passing poor Alice last week, as well as punking out with the dogs and not being liked by the other heroes, what with the accusations of body odor and steroid use. Also, the makeover didn’t seem to work. “I don’t know,” Stan notes, “maybe I just can’t past that gun.” Sing along if you know the words: “Superheroes don’t kill, they save people.” The music starts to swell. Stan says that it’s time for one hero to leave the lair. Tyveculus’ head is down. Enforcer waits for the decision. Feedback looks ten seconds from exploding.
Coming back from commericals, Stan drops the hammer on...Iron Enforcer! Finally! “Iron Enforcer...turn in your costume.” The big fella walks to the trash can, throwing out his gun and gloves. Fat Momma: “Usually I’m kinda sad to see someone go, but he didn’t really fit in with all of us anyway. Plus, it’s sure gonna smell a lot nicer around here.” Enforcer takes off his arm wrap, balancing it on the gun. Lightning strikes, magically obliterating Enforcer’s gear.
The heroes take in the lastest dismissal, as Stan congratulates them for surviving. “Do not get complacent,” he adds, “because trust me, your quest is about to get more difficult. Much more difficult.”
Outside, Iron Enforcer storms out with a shirt on, pushing back branches from his face. “I’m really pissed right now about this whole thing,” he interviews. “Stan Lee throwing me out, it’s ridiculous. You think Fat Woman is a superhero? You must be kidding me.” Just as the hatred within me builds, we hear this: “Hey! Iron Enforcer!” It’s Stan! He’s coming in on a television near some garbage. What happens next makes for some good times.
Stan remains Iron Enforcer about how something was bothering him...and now he has it. “You make a lousy superhero,” Stan says. “But you’d make a great supervillian.” Enforcer: “Really?” The veiny-armed, baldheaded gorilla with the big plastic gun never thought he’d be a bad guy? Okay, let’s run with it. Stan: “Spider-Man had the Green Goblin. Superman had Lex Luthor. I want you to be the new supervillain of this show. You can help test your former competitors to see if they really got what it takes.” Enforcer: “Yeah.” Satanic Stan: “How would you like to help me make their lives extremely difficult?” Enforcer cracks a smile. “I would love it,” he answers. Stan: “Can I give you the makeover you really deserve, a supervillian makeover?” Enforcer: “Sure.” Stan: “Good.” Enforcer’s face: “Wait...what did I just agree to do?”
Stan: “Ladies?” A white van screeches to a halt, and the makeover maidens get out. They’re still wearing white, which is weird given what’s about to happen. Also: how come we don’t see Rotiart driving? That would’ve been cool. The maidens take measurements, then hustle him into the van. The front seat of the van lights up. Stan: “Life for our superheroes is about to change...when they meet my newest creation...the Dark Enforcer.” A figure jumps out of the van. It’s hard to tell if it’s our freak, since he’s wearing a mask. So that’s what we’ve been missing! He’s got a loose mask, a dark helmet with spikes, and a black costume with criss-crossing silver straps. Dark Enforcer strikes an evil pose. Fade to art. “To Be Continued...” Damn right.
I think Iron Enforcer was a plant from the beginning. Think about it...why would Stan keep a gun-toting goon last this long? If he was a ringer from the start, then the dismissals of Levity, Nitro G and Cell Phone Girl make even more sense. Also, Enforcer’s real name is listed as “Steel Chambers.” C’mon, now. And I wouldn’t believe that somebody could be as belligerent as he has been. I’ll only concede as far as him getting “recruited” by the producers to be the bad guy, followed by taping unflattering interview segments. But if we find out that the Enforcer was an actor from the start, don’t forget who called it.
Next time: Dark Enforcer...unleashed! Damsel in distress! Tyveculus: “What is this treachery!” Step away from the Chenbot and “Chilltown,” True Believers, and get in on the fun!
Previously on Who Wants To Be A Superhero?: Stan Lee assembled twelve novices aspriring to be the next great superhero. Wait...I meant eleven, since Rotiart was working with Stan from the beginning to weed out those that don’t have their hearts in the right place. Oh, and “Rotiart” spelled backwards is “Traitor.” In an ironic twist for a show that parallels The Apprentice, Levity the action figure entrepreneur was dismissed. Next, the heroes had to go out in public, change into their costumes, and run back. Sounds simple...until we see a little girl crying for her mommy. Nitro G not only missed the kid, but he also had people noticing him change, so he was sent packing to Staten Island, where his fellow working at the comic shop will never let him hear the end of it. Nine heroes remain...who turns in their costume tonight?
Stan wastes no time in assembling the heroes to the living room. There’s Monkey Woman in the kitchen in full costume. I’m guessing that the players are in hero drag 24/7. Does spandex smell after constant wear? Lemuria interviews that she gets scared and excited when Stan pops up because she doesn’t know if they’re going on a mission or if an elimination is coming.
The team gathers around the monitor. Stan has a pre-breakfast assignment for them. “If you think the person standing next to you is not superhero material,” he says, “now is the time to let me know.” The task: write questions to ask to each other. No names need to be given. Put the questions in a tube, and stick that in a pseudo-pneumatic pipe, so Stan can read them out loud. “Let’s see how each of you reacts under pressure,” he continues, “when you’re on the hot seat.”
The gang writes down their questions, sneaking looks at each other. Tyveculus wishes it wasn’t an anoymous procedure, and he feels these questions shows a person’s hear and true character. Iron Enforcer writes his stuff down. He interviews: “Bet your ass I got some questions for these pinheads.” Save your hatred, folks...it’s gonna be a long episode. Creature collects the questions in the tube and drops in down the pipe, as we get a cheesy CGI lightshow.
Stan’s back with the questions. “Ouch,” he playfully winces at the query for Creature. “This is a little rough.” The question: “Your hair is starting to scare me. When [was] the last time you washed it?” The heroes laugh, but that quickly fades. Creature notes that her hair stores her powers, and washing it renders her powerless. Enforcer gives out a “What the hell?!?” face. “Creature needs to work on her appearance,” he snipes in an interview. “She looks like a homeless Princess Leia.”
Stan: “This next question is a little mean-spirited.” Fat Momma grins until she hears this: “Do you really think that a fat superheroine would be a good role model for children?” Tense music plays as the heroes look on and Iron Enforcer grins. “I certainly do,” Momma replies, “or I wouldn’t be here.” She looks hurt in her interview, saying that if anybody has a problem with her weight, they should say it to her face. I understand the pain, but come on. She’s heavy, has “fat” in her name, has “Nell” as her real first name, and she wasn’t expecting a question like that? Gimme a break.
Iron Enforcer gets the next question: “It’s starting to stink in here. Would it kill you to use a little anti-perspirant?” Everybody gets a chuckle out of this, including Enforcer himself. Fat Momma: “He doesn’t even wear clothes! All he has ro do is wash under his arms and put on some deodorant.” Enforcer responds by simulating pass gas. “Whatever,” he interviews. “I don’t care what people think of me. I’m not here to make any friends at all. I’m only here to win the prize.”
The next question goes to Major Victory, who is all smiles. “Do you think a superhero who’s a male stripper sends a bad message to the kids?” More tense music, as the smile all but vanishes. The Major interviews that this was a low blow, and he’d like to know who asked that. The heroes laugh as Major tries to spin about how he’s not a stripper anymore, and that he could spread his experience to the youth. Tyveculus tries to run with that, but Major cuts him off: “I’m not saying, ‘Hit a pole, kids!’” Nice recovery. He interviews that he just wanted to show that he learned from his mistakes.
Last question goes to our least-favorite bald-headed goon: “Iron Enforcer seems to be on steroids. Is that legal?” Monkey Woman and Lemuria’s mouths hang open. “If steroids are used for a positive thing,” Enforcer answers, “I think it’s a good thing, no?” The others remain quiet, and Fat Momma looks stunned. “What the hell?” Enforcer interviews. “Are you kidding me? I look better than anyone else in this house. How dare they single me out when they’re the ones with all the problems.” Okay, then. Creature wraps things up by telling us this was the “first cruel day” because the line between people and their alter egos is getting blurred. Stan dismisses the team so that they can have a quick breakfast before the next challenge.
Kitchen. Lemuria wonders what the next challenge will be. Major Victory figures it will be hard. Naturally, Stan pops up on the monitor. He notes that the group answered questions that tested their emotional courage and integrity, and it’s time to test one of the qualities that make a superhero.
Now we’re riding in “the transport.” Stan voiceovers to the gang, leading them to a “little old lady” who has locked herself out of the house. Said granny thanks the heroes for their arrival, as Major Victory and Feedback snap off quick salutes. Granny tells the team to go through an alley, where she’ll wait for them at the door. Cut to the team walking in slow-motion. “All you have to do,” Stan voiceovers, “is climb over the back fence, go through the back door, and let her into the house.” The team finds the fence and do a quick homage to The Little Rascals, as they pop their heads over the top. Anybody else smell the aroma of multiple takes? Cut to two really determined German Shepherds barking and snarling. Very nice. The heroes look scared, while the dogs bark, snarl, and push on a loose piece of fence. Only thing missing here is bits of Levity and Nitro G’s costumes hanging from their teeth.
Coming back from commercials, we get a warning: “The following event involves HIGHLY TRAINED ATTACK DOGS under the supervision of experts and should not be attempted by anyone anywhere, anyplace under ANY circumstances.” Just once, I’d like to see a warning that ends with “Y’know what? Screw it. Get yourself hurt or killed. See if we care.”
Dogs barking. Nervous heroes. Fat Momma tells us that the dogs almost knocked the fence over getting to the heroes. “Holy smokes,” Lemuria interviews. “There’s the back door, and it looks like it’s a mile away.”
Suddenly, an ambulance siren wails, as the vehicle screeches to a halt. Two guys pop out, open the back doors...and there’s Stan on the monitor, which is resting on a stretcher. He tells his charges that he would hate for their costumes to be ruined. One of the guys presents a protective suit, complete with “Major Victory” on the back. Major: “I think I have a new name: Major Dog Food.”
Stan goes over the challenge: get past the dogs and touch the back door with any part of the body. This challenge is all about courage and tenacity, and if any hero loses courage, all they have to do is say “uncle” for the dogs to back off. Stan expresses his curiosity about who makes it to the door, and how long they last before giving up. Tyveculus volunteers to go first, so he can tire the dogs out. “Be my guest,” Creature interviews, “as long as it’s not me.”
Tyveculus gets suited up, while the dogs growl in anticipation. He interviews that he’s faced dangerous situations as a firefighter in the past, but his heart is racing right now. Ty drops over the fence and charges. The dogs charge. Ty actually knocks both dogs down, forcing at least one of them to whimper. Both canines hang onto Ty’s left sleeve as he hits the ground and flips over. He quickly crawls up the stairs leading to the door, lifting a dog with him. Ty touches the door after sixteen seconds, pushing one of the pooches away afterwards. Shot of Ty staring at the dogs. Shot of one of them barking. Shot of Ty looking back fiercely. He interviews that he accomplished his mission, and he doesn’t think anybody can match his time.
Creature steps up next, laughing as the dogs bark at her. “Tyveculus made it,” she interviews. “I weigh as much as one of his legs. I’m chopped liver, and dogs like liver.” She runs out, only to get knocked back by the dogs. One goes for her arm, while another grabs a leg. They manage to drag her around before she cries uncle after twelve seconds. Creature gasps and laughs afterwards. She interviews that the dogs were playing tug-of-war with her. Let’s go to the 'Roid Gallery for reaction. “It’s one thing to laugh if you accomplish your goal,” Iron Enforcer interviews, “but Blondie didn’t even make it to the door, and she was laughing anyway. How stupid is that?”
Speaking of the Enforcer, he’s up next. He interviews about being a bouncer, and how he’ll throw the dogs across the field if necessary. He lets the dogs come to him, and they slam into him so hard that the fence opens up from the impact. Both dogs grab his left sleeve as he makes a run for it, dragging his new friends along for the ride. Enforcer makes it to the steps, falls over...and then yells uncle in 23 seconds. Huh? He tells us that he can’t believe he did that one step away from the door. Monkey Woman: “How are you that big and get that close to the door, and just quit? I don’t understand it.”
Feedback interviews about refusing to let Stan down again. He adds, “It’s gonna take more than two attack dogs to stop me.” Both dogs charge, grabbing Feedback’s left side, sending him stumbling. Caption: “You...will...not...take...me...down!” Damn, Feedback loves ellipses as much as I do. The dogs do take him down to the ground, pulling him away from the door. Feedback: “This...will not...be the end.” Aside from Iron Enforcer, I’d say Feedback makes me the most nervous amongst the heroes. He touches the door at 33 seconds. “It felt amazing to complete my mission,” he interviews. “Stan’s gotta be proud of me now.”
Here comes Fat Momma, snacking on a cruller before her run. So those doughnuts aren’t mere props? The dogs bark as Momma tossing a cruller onto the grass. Shot of dogs panting. Shot of the doughnut lying there. Shot of the dogs barking some more. Momma lumbers in her suit, crullers dropping from the clips in the front. The beasts grab her left sleeve, pulling her down and working on her collar. Momma declares that she can’t budge, and she uncles out at 18 seconds, laughing while laying on the ground. She interviews that she hoped the dogs would go for the doughnuts. Cut to the cruller still lying in the grass...and one of the dogs snaps it up. Very cute, even if it is editorial manipulation.
Major Victory climbs up the fence, playfully taunting the dogs. “This’ll be a cinch,” he brags in an interview. “Dogs love me, and I’m pretty easy to digest.” He salutes the “ferocious animals” before dropping to the other side. The dogs hang onto each arm, but the Major doesn’t go down. In fact, he manages to walk the dogs on their hind legs, snarking about how sexy they are. As much as I can’t stand the constant cheese, I have to give props for the effort. He reaches the door at 17 seconds, then proceeds to make humping motions and shouting, “Feel the love, baby! Feel the love!” He interviews that he was into it, and how he got an incredible adrenaline rush. “How’s my hair?” he asks the camera, as a tooth-sparkling effect is put in. Oy.
Lemuria steps up for her run, and she can’t believe that she’s walking into the yard with the “vicious dogs.” She runs, but they jump up and knock her down, pulling on her sleeves. She struggles and uncles out at 18 seconds. She interviews about trying, and now she hopes Stan doesn’t eliminate her.
Up comes Cell Phone Girl, who was bit by a dog once when she was young. This won’t end well. She jumps down, and the dogs knock her down, forcing her to say uncle after a mere four seconds. “I have a horrible headache,” she voiceovers, “and those dogs made it worse.” Cut to her lying on her back, groaning about how being a superhero was harder than she thought. Cue the tense music of foreshadowing.
Final hero up: Monkey Woman. She reminds us about disappointing Stan last week, and he gave her another chance. She adds, “Those dogs are going to have to kill me before I stop.” She drops down, runs out, and the dogs slam into her. Cut to the others turning their heads, followed by Creature running up to the fence to get a look. The dogs gnaw on Monkey Woman’s jacket, and we fade into art.
Back from commercials, the dogs are still snacking on our primate princess. Creature tells Monkey Woman to tap out, but she isn’t about to hear it. The dogs drag her about by the sleeve and collar. Elapsed time: 0:26 and counting. Creature interviews that she’s getting worried about Monkey Woman. Elapsed time: 1:11. The dogs are not letting go. Monkey Woman gasps as she’s dragged, and the dogs are still going at it. Time elapses: 3:47, 5:19, 7:06. On the up side, she’s getting dragged closer to the door. Fat Momma interviews that everybody else had either gotten to the door or quit in under one minute. She adds, “That girl just wouldn’t give up!”
Time elapsed: 9:03. Monkey Woman finally makes it up the stairs, the dogs pulling on her as she climbs up. At long last, she taps the door at 9:42. She gasps for the camera, telling us that this was the hardest thing she’s done. “I made it to that door,” she interviews afterwards. “I don’t care if it took me three hours. I was not going to give up.” Cut to her at the door making monkey noises, then fakes a fainting spell. At least I hope she was faking it.
Stan hits the heroes up on their communicators, complimenting them on the mission. He reminds that an elimination can happen at any time...and that time is now. Stan orders the team back to the living room over at the lair. Somebody’s gonna get cut.
Living room. The heroes line up in front of the monitor. Stan pops up, telling the group that the challenge was about courage...particularly for Monkey Woman. “I don’t know,” he continues, “if I’ve ever seen anything like what you did today.” She beams, the memories of getting shamed last week fading fast. “Young lady, I am very proud of you.” After Monkey Woman thanks Stan, he notes that not all of the heroes made it to the door, and three of them reacted in ways that makes him question their will to be superheroes.
Stan goes to Cell Phone Girl first, pointing out her complaining about her headache, followed by giving up. “If the world is in grave danger,” Snarky Stan wonders, “do we just ignore it because of a headache?” Since her time of four seconds was the shortest run, she gets to step forward.
Next, Stan takes a shot at Iron Enforcer. Again. Stan calls Enforcer the “biggest and strongest” one in the group, then brings up his giving up twelve inches from the door. He adds, “You just cannot get that close to accomplishing something and then quit.” Once again, Iron Enforcer steps forward towards possible elimination.
Stan moves on to Lemuria and Creature, since something bothered him in each of their runs. He tells Lemuria that she got far, but she let the dogs drag her away. “A little strategy might have come in handy there,” he opines. “You’ve got to be smarter with these challenges.” To her credit, Lemuria doesn’t ask Stan to put on the protective suit and see how long he lasts with the dogs. Instead, she wipes her eye. Stan then comes to Creature’s laughing during the mission. He's on the same wavelength as Iron Enforcer in terms of laughing while failing, but at least Stan isn’t a dick about it. Stan adds that the laughing makes him question her commitment and sincerity. Since Lemuria lasted longer in the mission, Creature is asked to step forward.
Stan asks the trio of troubled heroes to state why they shouldn’t be eliminated. Cell Phone Girl brings up the headache she still has, adding that she’s proud of herself for trying. Iron Enforcer’s plea: “I don’t want the others to get to know me for my physical side, which is the most apparent. It’s the spiritual side of me that’s my best quality. This is why I would like to say.” Say what? Creature claims the only sound she could make was laughter, and that fueled her. “I’m ready,” she declares, “and I might do it laughing, but I will be there and I’ll do it.” Stan claims that this is the most difficult decision he’s had to make, but somebody has to go home. Close-ups on our three heroes as we fade to art.
Coming back, Stan makes his choice: Cell Phone Girl. My approximate reaction: “ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!” Let’s just say I’m not a fan of Iron Enforcer...at least not yet. Enforcer looks relieved, and Creature glances at CPG. Stan: “I’m afraid you’re out of minutes.” Oh, that stunk. How about “Looks like your number is up”? Stan asks CPG to turn in her costume. She walks to the garbage can, taking off her gloves and discarding them. She interviews about being dissapointed, since she put so much time into being a superhero. She drops her cell phone and its case into the can, along with her cape. Lightning, fire, smoke, goodbye. Stan wraps things up by saying that everybody will miss CPG, and asks the team to meet him first thing tomorrow morning. He has a surprise for them that they might like.
Night lapses to day. Heroic music plays as Stan tells the team what this day is all about: fantasy fulfillment. Today, each hero is going to get a costume makeover. This triggers a huge reaction, as Stan calls on Lemuria to join him in another room.
Lemuria walks towards the camera, and we get a heels-to-head pan of her outfit: golden one-piece suit, high heels, and no visible bra. She interviews that she can’t wait to see Stan’s vision for her. “As far as your costume,” Stan notes, “disco is from the Seventies!” “And so am I,” Lemuria laughs. Stan calls forth two ladies in white suits and dark shades. He instructs them to give her what he wants, ordering them to blindfold her until she looks in a mirror. It’s awesome...the show is ripping off The Swan, but it’s a good thing.
The makeover maidens escort the blindfolded Lemuria to another room. We get a cheesy earthquake effect and a bright flash of light behind the doors. The room opens up to show Lemuria sparkling, CGI style. She now has more practical boots, a cape, some black to go with her gold, a collar that’s turned up, long gloves, and some cris-cross support up top. Stan orders her to remove the blindfold, and she walks to the mirror with closed eyes. Her reaction? Laughter and happiness. She tells us that she feels like a superhero. “It makes me feel like I can throw fireballs!” she gushes.
Lemuria rejoins the group, and they are in total awe about the makeover. She celebrates by busting out some martial arts moves. Monkey Woman loves Lemuria’s new costume, and she can’t wait to see her own makeover.
Here comes Tyveculus. He has black boots, a little exposed leg, a tunic, a breastplate with his symbol, a cape and a helmet. Honestly, not much tweaking to be done here. Stan asks Ty if he can trust him. Naturally, Ty consents to the revisions. The makeover maidens bring him to the hidden room. The doors close. Afterwards...oh, my. Ty still has boots and a cape. The breastplate has eight glittery things that spell out “T.” It looks like Tana Goertz got her hands on a Bedazzler and attacked Ty. The worst accessories? It’s a toss-up between the Trojanesque helmet with feathers sticking out (think Marvin the Martian) and the shoulder pads pointing to the sides. Ty opens his eyes, and we get the sound of a car screeching to a halt. He looks startled, gasping out a “whoa.” Sinister Stan says that this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind, and he asks Ty what he thinks. Ty manages to squeeze out a smile. “Today,” he declares, “my fantasy’s been fulfilled. I am a superhero. No...by the source of light, I am Tyveculus!” Right now, I’m not getting tired of that. Stan is glad that Ty is a happy camper, but Ty interviews that he was going to stay strong, yet he was doubting on the inside.
Tyveculus comes out, as the other heroes laugh and cheer. Ty seems cool at first, going as far as chicken-dancing with Major Victory. Feedback interviews that the new costume looks ridiculous, and the feathers make the helmet look like a giant fan. “Right now,” he tells Ty, “you’re Stan Lee’s biggest fan!” Ty is taken aback, as Feedback flashes the biggest smile. Hello, Major Dickweed! Ty asks Feedback if he doesn’t like it, and Feedback smiles and says nothing. Ty interviews about telling Stan that he liked the new duds, but he doesn’t like them. He adds, “I got this big feathery cock-a-doodle-doo on top of my head.” Ty tries to cut the feathers down, but he looks like a demented Mohawk. Ty makes a decision: he’s going to talk to Stan again and hope there’s no anger. In the dressing room. Stan keeps a straight face and asks Ty if he has a problem with the new outfit. Ty looks sheepish, and we fade to art.
Coming back, Tyveculus decides that he’ll deal with his new look, and that it’s okay to be laughed at. Stan: “It’s not ever okay for a superhero to be laughed at.” He orders Ty to put on his original costume. Ty interviews that he should be relieved, but he’s worried about letting Stan down.
Next up: Major Victory, Fat Momma and Feedback. Doors close, lights go off, yadda yadda yadda. Major Victory: “Yes! Mr. Shiny Pants!” All the makeover maidens did was give him a brighter outfit with padding, as well as replacing the “V” emblem that came off earlier. I’ll give credit to the Big Red Weiner: his costume is refreshing basic, and there’s little to improve on. Stan laughs as the Major, as he brags about not needing to work out anymore.
Fat Momma has her hair done up, stars dotting her collar. Her boots and top are still pink, but it looks more professional. She also has her own insignia: two lines forming a “M” on her chest. Also, her crullers have been moved to her sides. Stan: You have suddenly become Hot Momma now!” Didn’t need to hear that from Lecherous Lee.
Feedback has a costume that looks like something Frank Quitely designed for the X-Men. It looks like leather from head to toe, with a slanted “F” on his chest. Feedback loves the new look, as he whoops it up and breaks out the karate kicks. Stan: “Now that’s a superhero!”
More makeovers: Creature, Iron Enforcer and Monkey Woman. Creature comes out with braided hair, eyeshadow, a new top and black socks instead of striped. She loves the new looks. Monkey Woman’s fuzzy top is gone. I don’t see any other changes aside from a rolled-up vine on her side. He tells her that she has to live up to the costume. She responds the only way she can: with monkey noises. As for Iron Enforcer? He has white stuff on his right ankle and left knee, and that’s about it. He still looks like something Rob Liefeld drew in the mid-90s. Stan thinks that something isn’t right, but he can’t put a finger on it. Enforcer interviews that he doesn’t know what Stan is thinking. Stan tells the gruff hero that he’ll get back to him.
The neophytes show off their new duds to each other. Much happiness and hugging ensues. Tyveculus comes back in his original costume, and he tells the gang about how he didn’t like Stan’s new look for him. Feedback nods, agreeing with him. Ty interviews that he’s worried Stan will cut him. Speaking of Stan, here he is to remind the heroes that they’re being judged at all times...and it’s time for an elimination. Cut to Tyveculus, doing everything but tossing his helmet in the trash can. Stan tells the gang that he’ll see them on the roof.
Rooftop. Nine cubes lit up, two remaining dark in memory of Nitro G and Cell Phone Girl. The heroes step up on the cubes. Stan pops up on the billboard screen, going over the makeovers, noting that he watched how they acted. Tyveculus puts his head down. “Actually,” Stan continues, “it was quite telling.” Shots of nervous heroes. Stan goes through the spiel: three heroes step forward, one gets axed. Our trio this time: Tyveculus, Iron Enforcer and Feedback.
Stan sinks his teeth into Tyveculus first, saying that he was taken aback. Cut to flashback: “My fantasy has been fulfilled. I am a superhero.” Damn, that’s nasty. Stan says that he has no problem with Ty not liking the costume. “Honesty is one of the most important traits of a superhero,” he continues. “And yet you lied right to my face.” Come on...Stan wasn’t even in the room!
Lecturing Lee moves on to Feedback, unable to believe he made fun of Tyveculus’ new costume. Flashback: “Right now, you’re Stan Lee’s biggest fan!” Stan: “Superheroes make people feel better about themselves, not worse.” Feedback make an “Oh, crap” face He interviews that things make sense now, and he never should’ve teased Ty.
Stan comes to Iron Enforcer, noting that his head is on the chopping block at every elimination. He brings up passing poor Alice last week, as well as punking out with the dogs and not being liked by the other heroes, what with the accusations of body odor and steroid use. Also, the makeover didn’t seem to work. “I don’t know,” Stan notes, “maybe I just can’t past that gun.” Sing along if you know the words: “Superheroes don’t kill, they save people.” The music starts to swell. Stan says that it’s time for one hero to leave the lair. Tyveculus’ head is down. Enforcer waits for the decision. Feedback looks ten seconds from exploding.
Coming back from commericals, Stan drops the hammer on...Iron Enforcer! Finally! “Iron Enforcer...turn in your costume.” The big fella walks to the trash can, throwing out his gun and gloves. Fat Momma: “Usually I’m kinda sad to see someone go, but he didn’t really fit in with all of us anyway. Plus, it’s sure gonna smell a lot nicer around here.” Enforcer takes off his arm wrap, balancing it on the gun. Lightning strikes, magically obliterating Enforcer’s gear.
The heroes take in the lastest dismissal, as Stan congratulates them for surviving. “Do not get complacent,” he adds, “because trust me, your quest is about to get more difficult. Much more difficult.”
Outside, Iron Enforcer storms out with a shirt on, pushing back branches from his face. “I’m really pissed right now about this whole thing,” he interviews. “Stan Lee throwing me out, it’s ridiculous. You think Fat Woman is a superhero? You must be kidding me.” Just as the hatred within me builds, we hear this: “Hey! Iron Enforcer!” It’s Stan! He’s coming in on a television near some garbage. What happens next makes for some good times.
Stan remains Iron Enforcer about how something was bothering him...and now he has it. “You make a lousy superhero,” Stan says. “But you’d make a great supervillian.” Enforcer: “Really?” The veiny-armed, baldheaded gorilla with the big plastic gun never thought he’d be a bad guy? Okay, let’s run with it. Stan: “Spider-Man had the Green Goblin. Superman had Lex Luthor. I want you to be the new supervillain of this show. You can help test your former competitors to see if they really got what it takes.” Enforcer: “Yeah.” Satanic Stan: “How would you like to help me make their lives extremely difficult?” Enforcer cracks a smile. “I would love it,” he answers. Stan: “Can I give you the makeover you really deserve, a supervillian makeover?” Enforcer: “Sure.” Stan: “Good.” Enforcer’s face: “Wait...what did I just agree to do?”
Stan: “Ladies?” A white van screeches to a halt, and the makeover maidens get out. They’re still wearing white, which is weird given what’s about to happen. Also: how come we don’t see Rotiart driving? That would’ve been cool. The maidens take measurements, then hustle him into the van. The front seat of the van lights up. Stan: “Life for our superheroes is about to change...when they meet my newest creation...the Dark Enforcer.” A figure jumps out of the van. It’s hard to tell if it’s our freak, since he’s wearing a mask. So that’s what we’ve been missing! He’s got a loose mask, a dark helmet with spikes, and a black costume with criss-crossing silver straps. Dark Enforcer strikes an evil pose. Fade to art. “To Be Continued...” Damn right.
I think Iron Enforcer was a plant from the beginning. Think about it...why would Stan keep a gun-toting goon last this long? If he was a ringer from the start, then the dismissals of Levity, Nitro G and Cell Phone Girl make even more sense. Also, Enforcer’s real name is listed as “Steel Chambers.” C’mon, now. And I wouldn’t believe that somebody could be as belligerent as he has been. I’ll only concede as far as him getting “recruited” by the producers to be the bad guy, followed by taping unflattering interview segments. But if we find out that the Enforcer was an actor from the start, don’t forget who called it.
Next time: Dark Enforcer...unleashed! Damsel in distress! Tyveculus: “What is this treachery!” Step away from the Chenbot and “Chilltown,” True Believers, and get in on the fun!
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