Air Date: December 30, 2002
Article Published: January 1, 2003
It's January, and reality television
fans know what that means: time for Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray to pit
former cast members of The Real World and Road Rules against each
other for cold, hard, sponsor-labeled cash. This past Monday, MTV aired a
teaser preview for Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes.
First comes a plethora of clips from
the show. Syrus: "We're gonna go out and kick these girls' butts."
More clips. Christina: "I think the girls are gonna outshine them."
Even more shots. Laterrian shots "Hoo-hah!" as he leads the other
guys. Melissa curses out Julie. David E. threatens to whoop Puck's ass. There's
a game of Simon Says. Building of log cabins. Puck babbles on and Ellen tries
to shut him up. Rachel says that the game is getting ugly. Emily says that this
is going to be the "Jerry Springer of the [Challenges]." Seeing how
this is her third appearance in a row, that's saying something.
Segue to the titles sequence, with
all 36 competitors. Their names will be bold-faced here when introduced, to
differentiate them from other people.
Cut to the hosts of the preview: Ruthie
(Real World: Hawaii) and Jonny Moseley, who will be hosting the series. We
get clips of Jonny skiing, though nothing of his performance in the Olympics in
the moguls. When you have a video game with your name on it and don't medal,
you get to host a BMP show. Consider it a warning. Jonny introduces Ruthie as a
"reformed party girl." We get clips of Ruthie drinking and dancing it
up in Hawaii. I feel bad for her; she was just the tip of the very dyslexic
iceberg that was her season. Jonny and Ruthie are at the Tonga Room at the Fairmont
Hotel in San Francisco, and they're talking about the latest Challenge,
which was filmed in Montego Bay, Jamaica. The set-up is explained: rather than Real
World and Road Rules cast members facing off against each other,
this will be the guys versus the girls. At stake is $150,000 in "Chili's
Cash," which Ruthie clarifies that it's not that much in mozzarella
sticks.
We get clips of the guys and girls.
No competition here; just looking really good in swimsuits. Lucky for me I'm
not that self-conscious. Really. I'm not. I choose not to go to the beach for
my own reasons.
Introduction of Dan (RW: Miami).
He's got long hair, like he could star in the direct-to-video sequel to George
of the Jungle. There's the fight with fellow housemate Melissa after she
opened his mail. He calls her a bitch, she calls him a "flamer" -
it's a classic clip. Cut to the present day: Laterrian is giving a pep talk.
Dan muses that his teammates dined on a "testosterone buffet." The
team receives a phone message about a "brain game." "What if we
have to eat brains?" Dan asks. This ain't Campus Crawl, so don't
worry. Dan hangs from his legs on a trapeze, but he falls in the water.
Ayanna (Road Rules: Semester at Sea) talks about how she graduated from Howard University with a
B.A. in Theater Arts and Administration. Cut to her and Pua getting into a
screaming match. I honestly can't tell what they're going on about.
Surprisingly, the editors don't show her beating up Christian during Extreme
Challenge. Oh, right, the cameramen missed that. We see Ayanna in
present-day action.
Mark (RR: Season One) is looking to get into hosting programming, mentioning that
he was the "Gadget Guru" on Donny & Marie for two years.
First of all, didn't he co-host Battle of the Seasons with Eric last year?
Secondly, who would admit to working on Donny & Marie? Clips of him
during his season, including skinny-dipping and taking a mud bath. In Jamaica,
he dives off a balcony and into a pool, and he tears a log cabin up.
How about a blast from the recent past?
We see Shane (RR: Campus Crawl) getting chewed out by the Citadel drill
instructors. Man, I forgot all about that. He dances in a gay bar. He smacks
Darrell in the face, ticking the aspiring Olympic boxer off. In Jamaica, he
reads a clue off the phone. He finishes a cabin. Puck: "Who said gay guys
can't build houses?" Shut up, Puck. I'll be saying that every other
paragraph this season.
Next, there's Gladys (RR: Latin
America). Naturally, we get the one clip of her beating the crap out of
Abe. For those who never saw it, think of it as a less bogus version of the
Steven/Brynn tiff. Seriously, Gandhi would've taken a poke at Abe. In Jamaica,
Jonny takes Gladys aside and tell her she can't compete in an event, even
though she got the OK from her doctor. I know what her "condition"
is, and I can't blame Jonny.
Back in San Francisco, Jonny wonders
what a Challenge would be without missions. Um, wouldn't it be people yelling
and fondling each other? In Jamaica, a military guy wakes the women up. There's
intense exercising. The trapeze over water, with Jake's "equipment"
poking from his trunks. The log cabins. "Simon Says patty-cake!"
People staying underwater. Laterrian: "I refuse to lose this
challenge!" Puck during the log cabin mission: "I know you little fillies
are mad. Keep buildin'" Shut UP, Puck. Setting up for laser tag. Hey,
something I know I'm good at! Guys celebrate a victory. Women win a mission.
Guys chant: "RIDE OR F*****G DIE!" The girls psyche themselves up for
an event. The guys kneel in front of a scoreboard.
Ruthie and Jonny do a little more
pimping. They don't have chemistry, but they're not as bad as Cara and Theo in
the Real World: Las Vegas preview special. Before the commercials, we
get two more cast members. For Veronica (RR: Semester at Sea), this is
her third Challenge. I don't count last year, since she was voted out in the
first episode. She talks with Jisela about ups and downs. She tells the camera
that she'd love to send Emily home. Then there's Laterrian (RR: Maximum
Velocity Tour), who cusses out Emily to the camera. I don't remember him
being this ticked. "My boys," he says in another interview,
"We're all warriors." He shouts "HOO-RAH!" twice, getting
backed up by the assembled guys. I don't know what's weirder: that he's become
a field leader, or that he's using the same terms as Ian from The Amazing
Race 3.
After the commercials, we meet Christina
(RR: Australia), who's living in Los Angeles. She's hoping the women can
outshine the guys. Next, there's Syrus (RW: Boston). Note it's spelled
"Syrus," not "Sirus," as he was labeled in Eminem's video
for "Without Me." He says that he's a fierce competitor, and he
doesn't want to cheat, but he has before. Didn't he almost pummel James for
cheating during Extreme Challenge?
Back to Jonny and Ruthie, who seem a
little more relaxed. There are drinks on the table. I'll let you jump to
conclusions. Jonny segues into the next profile, calling Puck the
"reigning champion of trouble." Shut up, Jonny.
Profile of Puck (RW: San
Francisco). He's got his face painted, saying that he comes from
"[his] mother's womb." Plenty of Puck clips from his season.
"I'm here to be me," he says in one clip. "I'm not gonna change
me. I like me." Seriously, I hate him. Not in a "love to hate"
way, but along the lines of "Dear God, why is he still here?"
(Indeed, Puck was the second person inducted into
the Reality TV Hall of Shame.) Next, there's David E. (RW: Los
Angeles). Naturally, the editors show him pulling the sheets off Tami's
bed, leading to his being booted from the show. He also throws a hissy fit
about loose Styrofoam chips on the floor.
There's a cute clip of David talking
into a seashell like a cell phone. He might have invented tribal council (a
claim he made at the tenth anniversary reunion), but he owes Greg Buis
royalties for his shtick. David talks about expecting to be a team player and
enjoy himself. Cut to him yelling at Puck: "Go beat your wife some more,
white boy!" Wow. Puck and David yell at each other, and then Puck spits
water on him. David turns to somebody off-camera: "Excuse me? Puck just
spit on my face. Disqualification!" He yells into an actual cell phone,
saying that if he did that to Puck, he'd be out of there. Things get so out of
hand, executive producer Jonathan Murray has to come down. Puck whines, "I
gave you so much!" If Murray admits that casting Puck back in 1994 was the
worst mistake he ever made, I will love him. Puck cries, shoving the camera
away from him. David sits by himself, exhausted.
Speaking of people I can't stand,
there's Ellen (RR: The Quest). No clips of her telling Coral to
"kiss my baby ass" or her hook-ups with Adam. She calls Puck a jerk,
and he responds by slipping a booger in her food. Okay, I really hate Puck. Bad
enough his footage seeps into others, but he's making me side with Ellen, whom
I hate. Puck says he's gunning for Ellen since she "opposed the
Puck." God, shut up, Puck! She cries, telling people he threatened to kick
her ass. Puck says that he's a good guy once you get to know him. Cut to Puck
passing gas. Sigh.
Back to Jonny and Ruthie. Jonny
admits that Puck can't be everywhere, but there are 35 others who can bring the
heat, especially in sunny Jamaica.
Melissa (RW: New Orleans) is my favorite of this lot. Just thought you should know,
since I'll be taking her side as long as she's there. Of course, the editors
show the clip of her ready to strip. Then there's Julie (RW: New Orleans),
the Mormon girl we knew before we even heard of Neleh Dennis. Happy days:
Melissa hugging Julie after she bungeed in South Africa. Melissa, Julie, and
Jamie on a hydrofoil. Melissa and Julie in the confessional during Mardi Gras.
I got a lot of memories from that season. Think they're still friends? Melissa
tells Julie that she doesn't like her, that she finds her to be dishonest.
Julie asks, "Did I do anything yet to offend you?" Melissa is
stunned. "Yet?" she answers. "The past two years of my
life!" Melissa launches into a bleep-filled tirade. Ellen says that it's
supposed to be girls against guys, not girls against girls. Melissa hangs with
other girls, saying she wants Julie gone, and Aneesa says it shouldn't be
personal.
Montage of people fighting. David E.
is yelling. Aneesa has a stressed look on her face. Ellen tries to shut Puck
up, punctuating that with "blong blong!" Seriously, what is that?
I've been trying to wrap my mind around "woo woo" (David B.) and
"tanky" (Lori), and now Ellen starts babbling?
Jonny and Ruthie pop up long enough
to introduce new players. For the third straight year, the Challenge is getting
some international flavor. Antoine (RR: Europe) hails from Brussels,
Belgium. There's an extended clip of him and Belou fighting. Yes, Belou was as
nuts then as she was last year. Chris has to hold Antoine while Patrice
separates the two as they yell at each other. "You're going in the
water!" shouts Antoine. If you live in the New York area, you can watch
that episode on WCBS at 1:05 a.m., Saturday night. Back to the present-day, he
asks Syrus where in Africa he comes from. Are you kidding me? Syrus tells him
that he's not from Africa. Antoine busts up a cabin, and Dan smacks him with a
rubber log.
Trifecta: Tonya, Theo and Aneesa
(RW: Chicago). Clips of Theo lecturing Tonya in the van. Aneesa walking
around bottomless, much to Tonya's chagrin. Tonya cries and cries. Nothing
about her kidney stones, though. In Jamaica, Theo dances. Aneesa dances,
rubbing her butt with another girl. Tonya tries to build a cabin. Theo talks
about shutting up and putting on a "mean face." Tonya confesses to
doing damaging things to Aneesa. Nice to see some things haven't changed.
Aneesa thinks it's nice to be surrounded by women from different backgrounds
with a common interest.
More people from the Belfort
Mansion. Jamie (RW: New Orleans) now has a beard. Maybe he's trying to
carry the lumberjack legacy Sean started last year. Also there's David B.
(RW: New Orleans), who talks about life as a competition. Back in New
Orleans, Jamie calls a house meeting to talk about David being a butthole.
Melissa rubs herself on Jamie (she had it bad for him, back in the day). Jamie:
"David is extremely moody." Another classic clip: David and Melissa
arguing at the community television station, culminating with her slamming a
chair on the ground. Of course, the editors couldn't possibly not show David
singing a few bars of "Come On Be My Baby Tonight." It's the official
in-joke for RW fans. A plastered Melissa suggests that David and Jamie
join her in a "menagerie." Melissa says that she would be okay not
seeing David again because he's a jackass. In Jamaica, David chants something
funny. He yells something I can't understand. Jamie calls himself an outlaw.
Guys who start dot-com companies aren't outlaws, Jamie. He hangs from the
trapeze and falls in the water. David's underwater. He never learned how to
swim, and he thinks that could be the end for him.
More Jonny/Ruthie banter. Profile of
Yes (RR: Semester at Sea), who was booted along with Veronica last year.
He considers the guys a big funky frat. I used to think Eric J. (RR: Campus
Crawl) was a massive tool. But he tells the camera that he's the youngest
male there, and he considers himself more of a man than some of the
thirty-somethings. The camera cuts to Puck and David E. Nice.
Back from commercials, Anne (RR:
Northern Trail) cries about possibly not being able to do an event. She
wants to do that, even if it means throwing up while she does it. During her
season, she was dating the hunky Dr. Tim from Detroit. Where is he now? Jake
(RR: Islands) says he's the type who will run a race assuming he'll lose,
but that doesn't stress him out. "I've been losing things for so
long," he says, "I have it down to a science and an art." Boy,
he's a barrel of fun. Shot of him on the trapeze, his thong offering little
support.
Ruthie and Jonny keep going. Eric
N. (RW: New York) was on the show in 1992. Seriously, shouldn't he have
moved on by now? There's a painful clip of him rapping with Heather. In
Jamaica, he dives into a pool, hugs Laterrian, and has a lot of naked
upper-body shots, since that's still his best feature.
Onto more recent BMP alumni, Rachel
(RR: Campus Crawl) is still with her girlfriend Amy and living in New York.
Alternating shots of her kissing Amy and Darrell. In Jamaica, she tells the
girls that the show wouldn't be happening if they didn't have a prayer against
the guys, and that the producers picked the most "bad-ass" girls. I'm
not sure about that, but Rachel is still She-Hulk to me, so I'll keep my mouth
shut. She says something about how she or Emily will be picked, and Ruthie is
about to make a decision.
While we're on the Sapphic thread,
we meet Genesis (RW: Boston), who's living with her wife Paige in
Orlando. Flashbacks of her dancing with girls and a drag queen, and getting on
Sean's lap. In the present day, she offers this nugget: "Any guy wants to
know what hell is like, be around a bunch of women who are on their period and
PMSing. Because that's hell." Yikes. She says that money can turn good
people ugly.
Beth (RW: Los Angeles) is back. Two dozen stake wounds to her heart, and she still
keeps coming. Old-school flashback of her bringing a cat into the house, which
ticks off Dominic. She suggests he hang out on a different floor. Yeesh. In
Jamaica, she gripes about how she was booted first last year, "for no
reason at all." Luckily, Norman reminds us that she's a manipulator, a
liar and a cheat. She hopes that people can look past her reputation. Good
luck, but don't unpack.
Lori (RW: Back to New York) notes that since her season, she's been working on caring
less about what people think about her. She might not want to know what I think
of her dating uber-tool Kyle from Chicago. We get clips of her snuggling with
Kevin, a love that wasn't meant to be. In the present, she builds a log cabin
and engages in military exercises.
Jonny wonders how past and future
lovers would get along. To start, there's Amaya (RW: Hawaii). We get the
clips with her and Colin, including his kissing her stuffed bunny. Colin offers
some post-show advice: "Don't ever date a roommate!" I'll drive him
to Las Vegas so he can tell that to Steven and Trishelle. Cut to Colin telling
Amaya that he can't be friends with her, and she can't believe that. Very
dyslexic iceberg, people. Turns out that Colin (RW: Hawaii) is also on
this show. He remarks that everybody who has been on the show is a freak. Amaya
scopes a bedroom, noting there's so much she can steal. A doctor tells Colin
that he sprained his ankle.
Jisela (RR: The Quest) talks about her Playboy pictorial. Actually, it was
her, Flora, Veronica, and (for some strange reason) Beth. Clips of her dancing,
which she does best. That, and going lip-happy in New York and the Hamptons,
breaking Malik's heart in the process. But I still like her more than Ellen.
There's also the confessional scene where she goes topless, making out with
Blair. And guess what? Blair (RR: The Quest) is here as well. There are
clips of him in the streets of Fez and skinny-dipping in Morocco. He notes
that some people have "big bags of chips" on their shoulders. Jisela
feels the bed sheet, labeling it "Jisela material." Jisela didn't
build her cabin right, and she yells at Jonny, who has a bemused smile.
James (RR: Maximum Velocity Tour) is back for his second Challenge. Why? "Because the
stock market really sucks some serious [bleep], and I need to make some money
to pay some student loans." I guess being the pledge master at the Road
Rules Fraternity doesn't pay much. Old clip of him arguing with Holly in the
van, telling her that she treats people like dog poop. Why couldn't they show
stuff with him and Theo engaged in eyebrow-raising antics? In Jamaica, he notes
that the guys are "insanely competitive" and will do anything to win.
Pot, meet kettle. Then there's Emily (RR: Season Two), who has been
going out with James for one year and 15 days. She's been keeping count. I need
to throw up. There's plenty of snuggling and kissing footage. Emily tells James
that people lied to her. James tears down a clothesline as dramatically as he
can.
One more love connection: Ayanna…
and David B.? Really? Are they both insane? Ayanna talks about how they've been
learning about each other and that he's "flipped [her] switch."
There's footage of David on the piano. Run, Ayanna! He's gonna start scatting!
David says that he wants to invest time to understand her. Not like anybody
from her season could figure her out. Ayanna sees David as someone who could be
a friend for life. They hug. I'm not completely heartless, but if they act like
responsible adults, I'll have nothing to work with.
Jonny and Ruthie are almost done,
but they have one more clip, this time of a wedding. The identities of the
bride and groom are not revealed. I know who they are, but I won't spoil it.
Eric N. says that this is "the most incredible moment in reality
television." Great, now we'll have to do an RNO Roundtable to debate that.
Thanks, Eric.
Jonny and Ruthie sign off, reminding
viewers to play MTV.com's Fantasy Challenge, something I'll cover in another
article. Remember, the season kicks off with a one-hour premiere this Monday,
January 6, at 10 pm (Eastern).
One of my first impressions? "Ruthie got no highlights. Shes not going to last long." There were some spoilers I wasn't privy to, and her rewriting of the narrative was one of those things. Also . . . why did I keep referring to Eric Nies as "Eric N"? Yeah, I wouldn't be calling him that for long, but it must seem weird. Who wouldn't know "Eric Nies"? And this was back when I liked him, as opposed to the jumprope-hawking asshole who'd luck into $60,000 on Battle Of The Sexes 2.
Next: My Fantasy Challenge preview article.
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