Thursday, December 22, 2016

A Post-Election Hypothetical

My original plan was to post this on Facebook, but I feel it will be too long. So I'm blogging this and putting up the link. If this proves to be too inflammatory, I will delete it.

Let's say that the president-elect (whose name I cannot bring myself to type, as if that act would make him more powerful) visits the White House again and has a public meeting with President Obama. They're making small talk, with the president-elect swearing he was never serious about the President being a Kenyan socialist overlord, and Obama trying his best to make the transition peaceful. This goes on for about ten minutes. Then the president-elect crosses a line. He says one, some, or all of the following:

a. "I would go after every actor who made fun of me on Saturday Night Live beyond Alec Baldwin, but John Cena scares me. Also, somebody beat me to Phil Hartman."

b. "You know the garden your wife grew? Gone on January 22. Me and Melania will blow it to hell. Hey, I don't want kids eating healthy. I need them fat and numbly voting Republican."

c. "I am certain that you will have the best Presidential Library. It will be visible from space, because of all the burning crosses surrounding it."

d. "How does it feel to suck up to the man who defamed you for the better part of a decade? I hope you'll learn your place once I'm sworn in."

e. "You know, Putin really tastes nice. You should try him."

f. "How funny is it that you beat a guy due to a secret tape, whereas I said so much worse and still won?!?"

g. [Make something up here.]

Anyway, the unthinkable happens: Barack Hussein Obama snaps. He has been in the public eye since the DNC in 2004, and he has eaten a lot of crap between then and now. Republicans have obstructed him. Hillary Clinton supporters fought tooth and nail to try and make her the nominee in 2008. A lot of what he promised wound up not happening. Sure, he was a breath of fresh air compared to the guy he replaced, but he will probably go down as a grade-B president, if not B-minus. But he kept his cool because he saw himself as the standard bearer. One outburst might ensure that no person of color would get that position longer than two centuries. The best parallel would be how Branch Rickey had Jackie Robinson "behaving" in his first four years with the Dodgers, not taking the brakes off the first black player in the majors until 1951. It would kill Obama to deny somebody not entirely Caucasian the White House, even if that person was on the other side of the political spectrum (i.e., Herman "Shucky Ducky" Cain, Ben "My Luggage!" Carson).

Without any warning, Obama lunges at the president-elect. He has clearly thought this through in the darker part of his soul. He is not raining down punches like Ralphie on the bully in A Christmas Story. No, he goes right to choking. The president-elect reaches to retaliate, but he can't ward the President off. And Obama's face is red, as he screams, " GO TOWARD THE FLAME!!! GO! TOWARD!! THE FLAME!!!!!" He doesn't care how his family will react. He is not doing this for the people that did not vote that way. He is doing this for himself, and consequences be damned.

Now. I know that the President has a Secret Service detail, because he still has the office. I'm assuming the president-elect has his own detail, paid for by the government, because he's going to fill that role. The question: What the hell do they do? Does the president-elect's people pry Obama off the guy whose face is going from orange to blue? If that happens, are Obama's people obligated to fight them? Would weapons be drawn? Would it be possible for either man to take a bullet from somebody sworn to protect the President? I know, this would probably qualify as the worst thing to happen at the White House where somebody didn't die, but that's what I'm thinking. Yes, I have way too much idle time.

Thanks for letting me share. And let me give you one more mental image: Vice President Biden, waving a folding chair wildly, not wearing a shirt. Like I said on Facebook: Obama may not have lived up to Black Bart's example in Blazing Saddles, but Biden was totally the Waco Kid.

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