The Inferno Episode 17: Blaze of Glory

This is the end. Well, this and the reunion. Once again, I regard Inferno as one of the dumber seasons in Challenge history. It didn't have a satisfying ending; anything with Veronica getting a big payday and a new car was never fun to watch. Ditto for the likes of Abram, Christena and Holly, who also hurt Katie, the unquestioned heroine of the season. The weird thing is that I don't think Veronica was as heinous as Johnny has been in his "career." For God's sake, he actually had his sister write disparaging notes prior to Vendettas, then left them in strategic places so most of the females would suspect each other. At least most of Veronica's nastiness was improvised.

Worse, the producers decided to lay into Coral in the finale, with her mistakes playing a part in the second consecutive loss for Real World. I know, she was never a "gamer," and she had an uncanny knack of making it to the end (as you'll see in Battle Of The Sexes 2). Still, she managed to save herself from going into the Inferno, and at least she managed not to come close to dying this time. Like I said . . . her "character" of being a bitch worked when her targets deserved it. You'll see how bad that could get in BOTS2.

Screw it . . . .lets get this recap over with . . .  

Airdate: May 24, 2004

Recap Published: May 30, 2004

Can Road Rules put an exclamation point on this season? Can the underdog Real World team pull out a miracle win? And how much Mexican food can you eat before throwing up?
 

Looking back on this season, I should feel lucky. Lucky that I'm not covering the train wreck of a season that is Real World: San Diego. Lucky that I didn't have to burn precious brain cells on Survivor: All-Stars, which had been the worst season ever prior to the finale. And I'm grateful for being out of the Bachelor and American Idol loops entirely. Anyway, I guess after seven months of recapping the tribulations of tools, I need a break. Well, no rest for the wicked, and the good don't need any. Let's wrap this season up.

Rather than recap last week's episode, Voiceover Lady takes us directly to the start of the final mission. Dave tells the players about Seven Deadly Sins, and goes into more detail than we got last week:

Lust: The teams are handcuffed together as they run through a tire course, straddle poles, and go under a limbo bar. What limbo and tires has to do with lust is anybody's guess.

Wrath: The players bust open fifty piñatas. Once all the piñatas are shattered, players look for the key to unlock the handcuffs.

Gluttony: Each teammate must eat ten taquitos. That's it.

Envy: The teams come across two platforms with oversized bricks. Each team takes the other team's bricks (hence the "envy," I guess) and carries them over several narrow bridges.

Greed: The players climb over cargo nets four feet above the ground, crossing one at a time. Also, there are seven bags connected to the net. Five contain cash and prizes, while two hold a "penalty card," which knocks their time back by one minute.

Pride: The infamous final mission puzzle. This one is of the crossword variety. Teams must solve the puzzle using clues and letter tiles provided. Dave: "The answers can be proper names, places or events." Cut to Coral looking on. This will be important later.

Sloth: Pick up a teammate and run to the finish line. First team across wins the Challenge and $150,000 to add to the bank account.

Kendal interviews that the beginning of the course will be more difficult for RR, since they have eight players. The RR players try to figure out how to run while handcuffed. Kendal continues: "I just really hope that we just try to stick together, and try to think like one person, instead of eight different people." Timmy adds that RR is uneasy, but not as much as RW.

On the other side, CT tries to limbo, as Coral tells him that she'll fall if he does. Syrus thinks he'll have problems. "Syrus makes me nervous when it comes to missions," CT interviews. "He's worried about his knee popping out because he's over 30 now. He feels like his body's going to fall apart for some reason." Are we back on that now? Coral holds her arm out, and Syrus tries to go under. CT: "He's all nervous about the limbo. I'm like, 'C'mon, man, it’s limbo.'"

Both teams get handcuffed. Dave counts down from three, then we cut to credits. Goodbye, Jeremy and Shane! I certainly didn't miss either of you after you got eliminated. Goodbye, David and Trishelle! David, I'm sorry about the Sox, but at least you got the Pats. Trishelle... screw it. Anybody who fools with Adam is not somebody I want to chat with. Goodbye, Coral and Mike! Honestly, both of you should've stopped with The Gauntlet. Goodbye, CT and Leah! Maybe you can go five minutes without driving each other mad, but I doubt it. Goodbye, Abram and Veronica! You both suck, you know that? Goodbye, Syrus and Julie! Syrus, as long as you don't bring the drama, I'll always like you. Julie, Katie, for God's sake. Goodbye, Ace and Mallory! I honestly don't care for either of you, which is better than earning my hatred. Goodbye, Katie, Holly and Christena! Katie, if you ever finally snap and beat up the other two, call me first. I want to witness that first-hand. Goodbye, Timmy! Please stick to Discovery Channel from now on. Goodbye, Darrell and Kendal! Darrell, I hope you get those diction lessons with your money. Goodbye, Dave Mirra! You actually made me miss Jonny Moseley.

Back to the action: Dave blows his air horn to kick things off. Both teams run, as RR gingerly goes through the tires. Mike points out that RW is going faster with fewer people. We know, Mike. Both teams straddle the poles. Mike limbos first, helping Syrus under the bar. RW completes Lust first, with RR trailing.

Both teams arrive at Wrath. Darrell interviews that RW took off, since they had fewer people. Everybody grabs a stick. Darrell: "But we get to the piñatas, boy, and I like to break [bleep]. I'm gonna tear a piñata up." Sure enough, both teams pound on the piñatas. CT actually grabs one and stomps on it. Suddenly, Syrus and Coral start yelling. Turns out that the handcuffs came off. A graphic tells us that the key must be found anyway. As RW stumbles around, RR continues to bash away. Abram finds the key, and his teammates take care of the rest of the piñatas. Syrus interviews that "things just went to hell." As RR unlocks their cuffs, RW roots around the debris. RR takes off for Gluttony. Christena: "I feel very confident right now. We might win this."

RR arrives at Gluttony and starts downing the taquitos. Holly reminds us that they have to eat ten taquitos as quickly as possible. A graphic informs us that ten taquitos times eight people equals 80 taquitos. Thanks for the unnecessary math lesson. Wouldn't it be more intriguing if both teams had an equal amount of taquitos, and RW had to chow down more per person? Katie interviews that she's a vegetarian. "Eating meat is not my idea of a good time," she adds. "They're cold, and I see flies landing on them." Katie belches, looking close to throwing up. Don't walk away from the table! Spew on somebody! Abram and Christena puke, while Timmy coughs.

Back at Wrath, RW is still searching for the key. A spot-shadow reveals a red salt shaker, where the key is contained. Syrus interviews that it's hard to find with all the red stuff from the pinatas. Coral points out the irony that they're not cuffed.

Over at Gluttony, Darrell spits up and pukes. Katie pukes. "I don't like throwing up," Darrell interviews, "because it hurts my nuts." Timmy: "Ironically, the taquitos taste better on the way back up." Back at Wrath, Syrus finally finds the key, and the team takes off their cuffs.

RW chows down. CT spit-pukes. He interviews that the team has to step up and make something happen. Christena and Veronica puke, while Syrus spits up. RR completes Gluttony and starts running to Envy. Timmy reminds everybody to grab RW's bricks. He expositions that the team has decided to station themselves on the bridges and pass the bricks around. RW is still eating. RR passes the bricks. Coral stuffs down the taquitos, then pukes up. RR passes bricks. Syrus blows chunks, as Mike yells "Let 'er rip, baby!" Yeah, that will motivate a guy. "There's money on the line," Syrus interviews, "and you want to get the loot. So it's just time to suck it up and deal with it."

RR is still passing bricks. Coral chows down, complaining that Gluttony is the worst game, and complained about the taquitos. "They're terrible," she interviews. "They are the most disgusting things I've ever eaten in my life." While she gags, RR passes some more bricks. Coral drops some food on the floor, but scarfs it down. "Coral steps it up," Mike interviews. "That big mouth of hers does something good. That girl yaps yaps yaps, but that girl can eat, man." RW is waved off Gluttony, and they run to Envy. And RR is still passing their bricks.

Commercials. Guess what, kids? Only two more weeks until the premiere of Road Rules: X-Treme. Let me give you my first impression of the previous season: "The only thing I can deduce is that this Donell character is a big guy, and I'm going to like him." In other words, I'm not going to look for favorites with this new cast.

RW catches up to RR on Envy. Syrus interviews that RR is wasting time with their assembly line, and he can carry lots of bricks. Sure enough, the RW players lug several bricks over the planks. Mike interviews that they're doing an amazing job working as a unit.

RR finishes Envy and rushes to Greed. Timmy nearly blows out a lung yelling for his team to stop before the cargo net, since they can only go one at a time. Darrell starts out on the net. Over at Envy, Coral carries some bricks. Timmy tells us it will take twice as long for RR to go through the nets. Holly crosses. Timmy: adds that RR isn't going for the bags. "We're going for the $150K here," he says. "We're not going to grab a free pair of jeans." He's not going to get love from the sponsors for that.

RW finishes Envy and runs to Greed. CT doesn't break stride as he hits the net. Abram can't believe that RW caught up. As Mike and Christena crawl on the nets, a graphic tells us that three members of RW are left to cross the net, compared to RR's five. Soon, RW completes Greed. Darrell: "In the back of my head, I'm thinking we ain't gonna win, honestly." Darrell is such a bastion of negativity. Timmy is the last RR to cross, and he stumbles and bumbles on the net. This is the guy the Axis of Ass guilt-tripped Kendal into sacrificing herself for?

RW reaches Pride, ready to start the crossword puzzle. Two-Down: "Disco Domino Derby Home." Mike knows the answer: El Alebrije. Timmy stumbles off the net, and RR heads for Pride. "No matter what the lead is," Timmy interviews, "you can blow the whole thing on the puzzle." He should know; his RR team from Battle of the Seasons couldn't figure out the puzzle, and RW ended up taking the puzzle, the game and the grand prize. CT tries to spell "El Alebrije." Flashback to the club's exterior, and Dave (in the throwback gear) welcoming the kids. RW is having problems. Kendal interviews that it's time to work as a team. Holly thinks it's "Al Alebrijie." Back to the club exterior, and the club sign is inverted, so we can see all the letters. RR gets it right.

Six-Across: "Tarjeta Amarilla." I don't know Spanish, but RR does: it's "Yellow Card," as in Yellowcard, as in the band who played in Wreck 'n Roll, and who might be the only guys whose reputations don't take a hit from this season. Cut to the lads playing "Way Away." RR gets that right.

Two-Down: "Julie's Method of Destruction." Her teeth? Her cord-snapping hands? Her own hubris? We flash back to Julie in Wreck 'n Roll, bashing stuff with a guitar. Christena puts in "Epiphone," the brand of guitar Julie used. That's correct. RW has "Electric." Guys, are you new? You have to think of the sponsors all the time! Mike: "This puzzle is gonna kill us if we don't get it."

A graphic shows RR has four out of ten clues right. Four-Across: "Tickle the Twine." Answer: "Grope the Rope." I'm guessing that the guys who came up with this game watched a lot of old-school Batman. "The crime took place over the sea... sea... 'C' for Catwoman!" Mike reminds us that the puzzle always determines the winner. RW has two out of ten, and they're still having trouble with "El Alebrije."

Commercial time, and we got a reunion for next week. It's everybody who made it to the final mission, so there's no Jeremy, Shane, or (thank goodness) Julie. Abe has a buzz cut, and CT's hair has grown out. Coral is wearing a top that make her breasts look so big, they appear to be on the verge of collapsing in on themselves. Katie claims she's over it. Christena rips into Abram for making a mockery over throwing the mission. Abram: "And it pissed me the hell off!" More griping. Coral: "The big plan to keep weak Katie around got them a hundred and ten [bleepin'] thousand dollars!" Timmy grabs a basket, trying to raise money for RW. I am not looking forward to recapping that.

RW gets "Tickle the Twine" right, as we get a flashback of Grope the Rope. As RW examines the board, Coral whispers the clue for Nine-Across: "Sweet Surrender." Cut to a flashback of cookies. RR examines Three-Down: "_______ City _____" They start with "Student City." Flashback to Dave welcoming the players to Student City Beach. As RR nails it, RW has trouble with it.

RR moves to Four-Down: "Cold Girl." RR can't get it right away. CT thinks it might be Katie. Coral: "They wouldn't use our names." The editors eagerly sink their fangs into Coral, running the footage of Dave telling the cast, "The answers can be proper names, places or events." Katie thinks "Cold Girl" is Trishelle, since she couldn't eat enough peppers to win her Inferno. A flashback shows that Katie is correct. Holly interviews that Katie would know this, since she's best friends with Trishelle. Veronica: "Who would have thought that Katie and Trishelle would have both helped us?" Shut up, Veronica. And why, Katie? Why are you helping these people? What happened to dumping the mission?

Mike reads a new clue: "Lights Out." Oh, come on. He should know this. We flash back to a hand holding a candle. Katie figures that it's Jeremy, since he lost Human Candelabra. A flashback shows that she's correct. Nobody says anything about how Jeremy was the only person on RR to see Katie as anything but an albatross. RW goes to "Sweet Surrender." Darrell thinks it's Shane. Sure enough, we get a flashback of Shane eating a cookie, and throwing up. I still get joy from that moment.

RW hits One-Down: "'Booty' Babes." Flashback: money changing hands, money in a jar. RR is on it, needing that to finish the puzzle. RW only has four out of ten correct, and they'll stuck on "Sweet Surrender." Holly instructs Timmy to stand in front of the puzzle, presumably to avoid a repeat of the Battle of the Sexes finale. CT: "Student City Cycle?" RR is close to clinching it. CT: "You're sure it's not Student City Cycle?" Coral: "No, it's not Student City something." Cut to Dave, welcoming the players to Student City Beach.

RR figures it out. Timmy expositions that Holly and Coral handled the money (or "booty") during Come Sail Away. RR is done with the puzzle, and they run off to Sloth. Mike is distraught. "My heart just sinks," he interviews. "My stomach sinks." Coral says that it's over. Mike: "I told you it would come down to the puzzle."

RR arrives at Sloth. The girls jump on the guys' backs, while Veronica jumps on Holly. They run. They finish. Game Over, they win. I'm sorry, but I'm down on this. After all the crap they pulled getting here, I'm convinced that the bad guys won. They waste no time going into a victory pile. Over at Pride, RW is bummed out. Syrus can't believe they didn't win. "To come from behind," he interviews, "to pass them up and then to not figure out the crossword puzzle? Very frustrating."

RR celebrates some more, and the girls hug. "I'm just excited," Katie interviews. "Any drama with me and Veronica, I'm not even worried about right now." But you got my hopes up. You could've denied your teammates the big money, and stuck it to them. What happened? Veronica and Holly celebrate their second win as teammates, their first being Challenge 2000. RW runs in, as Coral rides Syrus, and Mike smacks CT like a pony. There's hugging and congratulating. Coral: "You wiped the floor with our asses this entire time!" That's a lovely visual. She tells RR that RW underestimated them as a team. I'm too tired to even rank on Coral for that.

Denouement. Dave: "Real World, you guys are great competitors." I'm amazed he had a straight face saying this. Winning four out of fifteen missions, this team was as hopeless as the Challenge 2000 team and the RR squad from Extreme Challenge. He awards the $150,000 check to RR, boosting their bank account to $260,000, which comes out to $32,5000 before taxes. Dave then tells RR that their prize awaits them, and they have to go get it. The team gets tickets, which will take them to their grand prize.

Graphic: "One Week Later: Malibu, CA." A parking lot filled with Saturns. You can probably guess what happens next. Timmy honks the horn, cigar in his mouth, bunny hood on his head. Kendal is happy winning her first Challenge. Katie interviews that she didn't have fun at first, but she deserved this more than the others. Who am I to argue? Cut to Darrell, with Veronica in the passenger seat. How about one more verbal nugget from Darrell? "Me and Veronica, with all our money, we gonna get ourselves a little house, have all kinds of little Cuban and mixed black babies." That is a scary thought. The kids would probably be jerks, but nobody would understand their jabbering. Footage of cars driving around. Whatever.

Time for the finale montage. Darrell interviews that he loved Acapulco, and it was a great vacation. Dude, a vacation implies you have a job. You've done two seasons straight. Who are you fooling? We get footage from the first episode. The kids get off the boats and explore the Villa. Darrell: "It's been cool, watching everybody fight, watching the drama. I loved it." Cut to the Coral/Julie and Katie/Veronica fights. Julie tries to murder Veronica in the name of getting paid.

Mike interviews that he learned so much about himself. Cut to Kendal throwing him to the ground. Mike: "I came out meeting an awesome girl." Didn't you say that last season about Trishelle? The couple kisses at the club, and rolls around on the beach. No footage of a drunk Mike slagging Kendal during her Inferno.

Now we get Leah backing that thing up on Darrell. He interviews that he enjoyed Leah's company. Cut to her bungee freakout. "I tried to make Leah feel more comfortable," Darrell interviews, "because I know she thinks negative all the time." He and Coral attend to her as she gets loaded into the ambulance. "I just wish she had more confidence so she can do good."

Cut to Syrus, who talks about getting older, as we see him struggle on Climbing Wall. "It's a growing process," he interviews, "it's an enlightening process." He makes it to the top. "You're dealing with yourself, you're dealing with your fears." He wins the Aztec Lifesaver in Chicken Feeder, saving himself from the Inferno. "I can't say in my normal everyday life I would go through half the stuff I just went through." I like him. Never mind this was his third Challenge. There appears to be a genuine air to him, and I can forgive him for stuff like trying to help boot Leah off, and the time he jumped on Antoine's back. Syrus is the man.

Katie montage. She gets scared on the bungee. She interviews that it was emotionally draining and intense. Cut to her balking, and her lovely teammates screaming at her from the ground before she actually jumps. "I'm extremely proud of myself," she says. "I beat the odds. I proved everybody wrong." She beats Julie and David in the Infernos. She flashes a smile. "Who's weak now?" I'm hoping she dumps the cancer sticks and gets away from Trishelle. She can do so much more with her life.

Cut to Katie putting Trishellle's name in the crossword puzzle. Veronica interviews that Katie came in big. "Winning the entire thing is a huge accomplishment for Katie," she adds. "Everyone had something to put in, all eight of us." Shut up. Just shut up. I'm putting show creator Jonathan Murray on notice: if you insist on bringing the Verantula back, you make damn sure Emily comes in as well. As much as I despised Emilizzy Borden for putting her own selfish motives above her team, she's the only person to put Veronica in her place. Without Emily, Veronica has gone unchecked, hanging out with the "cool kids" and making lives miserable... including my own.

More RR celebration. Christena: "There's been a lot of drama, a lot of fights, not seeing eye-to-eye on our team. But when you cross that finish line, you check all of that at the door and everything in that moment is right." If Christena wasn't such a fake, I might accept that. RR does a cheer and poses with the check. Fade to black.

I'll be recapping the reunion next week, but I want to thank you for reading now. By writing in to me, you showed me that I'm not wasting my time and brain cells recapping this show. I really appreciate all the feedback you've given me, and I hope I brightened things up for you in return.

And that was that. Four months later, I was recapping Battle Of The Sexes, which -- in a lot of ways -- was so much worse. And that would be the final season I recapped for Reality News Online. Yes, I will be bringing that up looking back in those recaps. First, we have a reunion to sort through, which ran for thirty minutes. Man, that seems so long ago, doesn't it?