Battle of the Sexes 2 Episode 3: Slither

I know, I'm still taking my time with the recaps. I've been focused on work. And resting when I'm not working. And contemplating the fifty-car pileup that is Final Reckoning. Seriously, when I post these BOTS2 recaps, ask yourself this question: "Is there any point where Shane needs to be repeatedly slapped?" Needless to say, the boy is a disappointment in 2018. Back in 2004, he was tolerable . . . and probably not in the top half of people in this season that needed a beating.

Episode Aired: October 18 2004
Recap Posted: October 20, 2004 (wow, I think two days was my personal best)

We got snakes, we got drama, and we got Tonya going wild. Also, because nobody wanted it to happen: Coral and Abram get closer together.

After the high of the season opener, we need to unwind a little. Also, MTV.com starts up their Fantasy Challenge. After lots of deliberation, fooling myself into thinking I knew what I was doing, I settled on Abram, Angela, Coral, and Tonya, with Mark and Tina warming the bench. My team name? "Broken Ox." I prefer to keep a little bit of The Amazing Race in my heart.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes 2: thirty-six former RW and RR cast members gathered in Santa Fe for fame and fortune. Okay, maybe just fortune. The guys won Dangle Drop. Brad interviews that he wants to win all the missions. The difference between him and Mark is that he wants to win, as opposed to Mark, who has probably emptied out a room in anticipation of holding the loot. The guys voted out Jacquese, breaking hearts in the viewing audience. Ruthie interviews that voting people off is the worst part of the game. The ladies voted off Genesis, which broke even more hearts. Ruthie thinks that her team has to start kicking ass.

Credits! I gotta make a confession. I can barely differentiate between the eighteen cast members from Survivor: Vanuatu. I can barely differentiate between the eighteen cast members from The Apprentice. On this show, however, I can tell all 36 cast members apart. I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed of that. To paraphrase an old saying, contempt does breed familiarity.

Resort. Pool party! A bunch of them are chilling in the people, others are playing deckside. In our first subplot, we see Coral and Abram close together. I start shuddering right away. Cameran thinks they're a weird sight. You and me both, sister. Nick doesn't know the deal with them and he's not about to pry. The couple seems strange to Theo. He probably hasn't seen Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav together. Now that's strange.

More fun. Dan comes out of hiding, interviewing that Ace is the life of the party and a big smile and a big heart. Ace dances around like a dork. Adam interviews that Ace feels good about the relationships he has. Ace dorks it up some more. Adam reaches to pull Ace's pants down, exposing the territory south of the Mason-Dixon line. Ace: "As far as the girls go out here, they're all hot. I wanna hook up with all of them." Cut to Arissa, who's married and probably not interested.

Now we get to Tonya and her brief episode time. Seriously, the way MTV sold this installment, you'd think it was "Tonya Gone Wild!" She rubs herself on guitar-playing Dan. Shane interviews that she needs to "break it down" with Ace. Cut to Tonya and Ace coming out of a room (or closet), and she looks surprised. But then she gets over it and kisses Ace. Back at the pool, Tonya flashes her breasts. If she did that in Telluride during The Gauntlet, she would've knocked Matt into a coma.

Some of the girls ask Adam to do his "Real World Rap." No! Noooooo! Ladies, have you heard him rap? It's like opening up Pandora's Box. "I think the guys are here to have fun," Mark interviews. "When it's time to compete, we do. When it's time to have fun, we do that, too." And now... the rap:

Let's cut to the chase
I ain't got time to waste
I see that look on your face
When I walk in the place
You tell your friend, "Yo, this sounds dumb
"That guy right there, where do I know him from?
Yo, Paris, five months
What would you do, 23, overseas?
Spend weekends in a bathroom with a porno mag? Please!

Okay, maybe I'm harsh on Adam. On the scale of cruddy reality television poetry, that rates a 3.0 out of ten (the worst being "Blue" by Kaia from RW: Hawaii). But he is capable of worse, and we haven't seen him dance yet, so I'm holding off final judgment.

Arissa gets a clue off the sponsor phone. Derrick lays out the details: wearing bathing suit and shoes. Arissa interviews that the girls are pumped. "The boys are not going to take this from us," she adds. "We're really going to battle for it."

Daytime. "Snake Area" sign. The players take a long look at a case full of snakes big and little. Abram interviews that he hates snakes. I write that down, in case I ever meet him. The snakes hiss, while the players look really nervous. Adam: "God, are they really expecting us to get in this pit?" More hissing. For some reason, Ibis is wearing a ratty rainbow boa and tiara. Cut to shots of the smaller snakes biting human hands.

Jonny welcomes everybody to Snake Pit Poker. The two pits have approximately 125-150 snakes. Mike interviews that he almost peed himself. Jonny goes over the rules: each team appoints three leaders, one of whom will act as Pit Boss. Those individuals will stand by poker chip holders. The objective is to get in the pit, retrieve chips and get them into the holder as fast as possible. Each team has to have 175 chips in the holder, and players can only get five chips at a time, meaning everybody goes twice. The first to get all the chips in the holder wins. Jonny then goes into penalties: players can't start collecting while on a block then get on climbing into the pit. They can't go unless called in by the Pit Boss. Having more or less than 175 chips is also a penalty. All penalties result in one minute added on to the team's time. Sophia: "I hate snakes. I don't like them. I don't want to go in there, touching these rubbery things." Jonny shows off the spoils for the victors: bicycles priced at $600 apiece. He gives the teams 30 minutes to appoint leaders.

The boys huddle up. After debating, they pick Theo, Frank, and Brad to lead. Chris expositions that only the leaders talk while a player is in the pit. Brad feels comfortable about the mission. Abram remind us that the leaders are sticking their necks out, since one of them would go home should the team lose. On the ladies' side, Coral and Cameran step up. Cameran talks about if the team wins, and Ayanna doesn't want to hear "if." Cameran: "I think a lot of the girls take this way too seriously. It is a game, and we're supposed to be having fun." Once again: has she seen a Challenge before?

The snakes slither some more. The team leaders are announced, with Arissa joining Cameran and Coral as team leaders. "This is a sandbox, bro," Theo tells his team, "but there's no sand. There's snakes." It is true, you know. Coral instructs her team not to cheer or pay attention to the guys. She interviews that being quiet and having one communicator is important. That, and not riling up snakes. Steven: "I’m deathly, deathly, deathly afraid of snakes!" Once again, I make a note in case I meet him. You never know, right?

Jonny blows his airhorn to start things off. Abram and Aneesa go into the pits to get the chips. One of the girls gets bit. Mark stumbles climbing into the pit. Chris interviews that they have to take their time and not go fast. Veronica: "I see mouths and tongues coming at me. The snakes are looking at me like they want to eat me." Or proclaim you their queen. Ever think of that, Veronica? Theo trips over the glass, bloodying his leg. Jonny urges the women on. Coral interviews that her team is ripping it up. Steven interviews that his team went into the mission overconfident, and the girls have gone much faster. Ayanna slips coming out, and four teammates have to catch her. Abram interviews that his team has to speed it up.

Tonya goes into the pit, but she starts collecting chips while standing on the block. Jonny assesses a one-minute penalty on the women's team. She interviews that the penalty might bite her in the ass. Jonny indicates that she's still not off the box, and lays another penalty on her. Jonny sounds really irritated as he calls it out. Katie kneels on the box: one minute penalty. One of the guys gets bit. Coral shouts at Cameran to stop, but she barges into the pit unannounced. One minute penalty. Ace gets penalized for having a foot on the step. He interviews that he "absolutely sucks" in this mission. Abram charges in too early, earning a penalty. He interviews that the penalty "chopped [him] down a notch." Both teams finish up.

The referees count the chips. Robin interviews that both teams had penalties, and she hopes that guys counted wrong. Brad instructs his team to keep their eyes on the chips and not tip off the women.

Jonny announces the results. The women got four minutes in penalties and collected 176 chips, one chips over their limit. Their time: 15 minutes, three seconds. Coral tells us that she counted the chips, and she might be going home. For the guys: they got two minutes tacked on due to penalties and they collected 175 chips. Their time: 11:15. Both sides don't react until Jonny announces that the guys won. They celebrate. Mark: "I think the guys are gonna win every single mission in this tournament. Two-oh, baby! Two! Oh!" Man, shut up, Mark. Coral: "It sucks to lose to these cocky dudes that think they're always going to beat us. I just hate that." As do I, Coral. Jonny sends the teams back to deliberate who goes home: Brad, Frank, and Theo pick off a guy, while the ladies choose between Arissa, Cameran, and Coral. Ruthie interviews that it's hard to think about a friend going home. Shawn tells us that the guys vote on performance, which is subjective and difficult to do.

Main Lodge. The guys eat, deliberating what to do. Mike wants the best team in order to win every mission, and they have to trust each other to make the right decision. Sophia: "I want to see what ingenuous way they find to make it fair and objective." I admire the desire to see the boys sweat out a decision for once. But "ingenuous"? Has Sophia been hanging out with Theo? Mark foreshadows about looking at past performance. Eric adds that the guys should look at what happened in this mission.

Elsewhere, Abram lies on a bed with Coral nearby. It's not like that, although I still get squicked out thinking of them being together. Abram interviews that the penalty is a strike against him, but he doesn't think he'll be going home. "Abram is a wonderful competitor," Coral interviews, "and he is just a kick-ass guy."

Girls' Inner Circle. Rachel thinks there was nothing wrong with Cameran's leadership. Robin notes that Cameran was the only leader to be penalized. "Cameran was a safe bet," Katie interviews. "The newer people, it's easy to feel so emotional attached to them." Aneesa votes for Cameran. Sophia declares that she'll be a sheep, voting for Cameran. Most of the other ladies follow suit, with one of them actually bleating out her vote.

Boys' Inner Circle. The guys lean towards those who got penalized. Frank says he loves Ace, and that he's close to him. Brad reminds us that Ace and Abram were penalized. Frank says that it will come down to who did better during Dangle Drop. The guys look puzzled. Frank interviews that nobody did especially bad or good, so it is hard to determine who gets voted off.

Elimination Hill. Jonny calls for representatives to make the announcements. Robin comes up first to announce that Cameran is going home. Cameran wails in mock horror, so I guess she was expecting this. Robin adds that she's hoping to get the $60,000 prize money and share it with Cameran. Maybe they can rampage while dressed as Brad and Randy. Cameran tells the girls that they can win, and she has no hatred.

Theo steps up, with Eric's jump rope around his neck. I respect the neck to symbolize authority, but that's a disaster waiting to happen. He tells everybody that it was a tough decision to make. Is it Abram? Or Ace? It's Ace. There are no hard feelings among the guys, as they spray Ace down. Theo interviews that Ace went home based on his performance in Dangle Drop, falling off his bag early. "Last time, I went home first," Ace interviews. "This time, I went home second. Next Challenge, I'm gonna go home third!" Verily, Ace truly is the biggest dork who ever dorked. The guys hug Ace. Cameran declares that she's glad to go back home, where there's air conditioning and no snakes.

At the lodge, Ace gives Adam his straw hat, and they hug. The prevalent thinking is that Adam is a wee too attached to Ace, and who am I to dispute that? Adam interviews that this is the way Ace wanted to go out. Ace departs, and we have no footage of Cameran leaving.

Santa Fe. Blue Corn Café. Coral plays footsie with Abram. No, really, she rubs her foot on Abram's leg. I still can't believe this is happening. Abram interviews that his relationship with Coral gives him hope and joy. He continues: "There is no person that I ever met before that feels that there is much my equal and my match as Coral is. It's very challenging, but I like challenges." Coral: "Abe and I are extremely close. He is a very important part of my life. I'm very happy that he's here, and I want to spend as much time as I can with him." Ov vey. Now let's hear from Theo: "Coral and Abram seem to be getting along quite well, but come a couple more missions, it's not going to be possible. This is a shady ordeal, as far as the competition and elimination factor goes."

So ... why am I so turned off by Coral and Abram? It's all about him. Any time I think of Abram, I remember the bad stuff. The buttheaded behavior in South Pacific. The beatdown of Donell. The threesome with Rachel and Veronica. Getting a godawful Mohawk. Throwing a mission to get rid of Katie in the most humiliating way possible, then lying to her face about it. I understand that Coral isn't that much better, but she brings entertainment as she ranks on the hapless fools she meets. Do I want her to be happy? Sure. But I honestly don't feel that Abram is the right guy for her.

Next time: Nightclub! A girl takes off a guy's shirt in a car. Rachel talks to the girls, letting them know she's watching them for intensity. Mike thinks the girls will form an alliance. Tina calls Tonya a liar. The mission? Teams rubbing their bodies on giant blocks of ice, in what Angela dubs "a big gay porn."

My opinion of Abram hasn't changed much, though now I keep talking about him murdering and burying drifters all over the state of Montana. The thing with Coral seems a mystery . .. was he a substitute for Mike, since she couldn't wait for him forever? Then Abram gets into a relationship with Cara Maria. Cara Maria's original "hook" in Fresh Meat 2 was that she was a budding dominatrix. Could Abram have been secretly submissive? I mean, Coral probably would never put on any sort of "uniform" that goes with that position, but I can totally buy her being a "top." Abram is currently engaged, and you can see her on his Instagram. As much as I want to believe that he's better now, I really hope she has an escape plan. Or knockout gas. I don't see Abram murdering lovers, but if he's thrashing in his sleep, all bets would be off.

Ace would return in Gauntlet 2 lasting seven missions before Derrick bounced him out of the game. He returned three seasons later and -- miracle of miracles -- went the distance on the losing Good Guys team in Inferno 3. Sadly, he managed to duck out of an Inferno date, which lead to Timmy vs. Abram, leading to Timmy getting disqualified for not following the rules, and then announcing his retirement. Him, I miss. And he wouldn't come back like some people, MARK LONG. Cameran also did Gauntlet 2, quitting rather than face Kina in the Gauntlet. Now she's on Southern Charm, which I understand is a popular show.

Next time: an ice mission with no lasting injuries and maximum hilarity. Cue Veronica: "Blow and suck! Blow and suck! Use your hands!"