Battle of the Sexes 2 Episode 17: It’s Over

I would probably grouse some more about this season, my bitter feelings then and now, and how I felt like an outcast. But given the epic amount of shit that's been going on recently? Fuck that.

This is the last episode I recapped for Reality News Online. Well, this and the Reunion that aired the following week. There would be no miracle finish, no comeuppance for general shittiness. But all of this feels so quaint compared to June 2020. Even Eric Nies.

Episode Aired: January 24, 2005
Recap Posted: January 30, 2005

“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Anti.” “Anti who?” “Anticlimax.” Exactly.

In the week leading to the finale, I tried to psyche myself up. I really did. I imagined implausible scenarios, most of which involved Eric tripping on his jump rope. I drew a parallel to Mark’s “sacrifice” along with the time he didn’t take the hit on Extreme Dodgeball. In the other three Challenges I recapped, there were exciting finales. For a hardcore cynic, I sure do get my hopes up.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes 2: Thirty-six former cast members from Real World and Road Rules waged a war of gender supremacy. In real life, the United Nations would have stepped in months ago. Last week, Mark gave himself up in order to ensure that Arissa – a weak player – would remain on the girls’ team. The ladies sent Tina home, which was yet another questionable decision on their part. But since it was Sophia who was staying, I didn’t mind that much. The final mission is nigh, with $180,000 on the line. Dan figures his side has a solid chance to win. Arissa feels she has the mental strength, Coral has the physical strength, and Sophia has the brain power. Alrighty, then.

Over at the Men’s Lounge, Dan and Theo cram for a possible test, going over who left after each mission. Dan figures that running would be better for them. Theo adds that Arissa would shut down from fatigue. “Who knows?” Theo drawls. “Maybe Coral might get bit by a spider. Maybe Coral will get bitten by Arissa.” Dan laughs, as we cut to Arissa munching on a sandwich. “How crazy would that be? Arissa’s really a spider!” Am I the only one who doesn’t get a kick hearing jokes about Coral almost dying? Theo interviews that as far as he’s concerned, the money is his to win, and the women will have to work to take it.

At the Women’s Lounge, Sophia announces that her parents are excited for her. Aw ... remember how scared she was to come out to them during her original season? Coral applies some makeup, wondering what they’ll be doing in the final mission. Sophia figures they’ll run between stations. Coral interviews that her team has lost all but three missions, but they’ll pull it together in the end. “Anything that can be done will be done,” she continues. “Hopefully, we’ll be able to pull a win when in counts.”

Back at the Men’s Lounge, Theo reads the sponsor clue: final dinner is at 8 p.m., dress formal. Eric: “I don’t even have a corsage.” He then rocks in the rocking chair. Sometimes, he makes the snarking too easy.

It’s dinner time! Eric has totally misheard the “formal” part of the clue, opting for a tank top. On the bright side, he’s wearing the rope around his neck like a tie. I hate him. I hate Mark for keeping him here. Anyway, Old Man Real World makes a toast, saying that he and Coral have had their differences, but they can hug at the end and squash their problems. Dan tells Sophia that he sees an “incredible heart” within her, and he loves that. Were Sophia to swap preferences, may Dan be on her short list. He praises Theo’s “unparalleled mind” and calls him his best friend. I’m not sure if Dan means in Santa Fe or overall. Coral says that she’s blessed to have spent five weeks with Arissa, because she doesn’t have many friends. No way!

The kids clink their glasses. Naturally, this is an opportune moment for Jonny to burst through a door, with a goon squad in tow. How I wish to be making this up, but I’m not. Jonny is dressed in black, as is his posse. “It’s those six!” he shouts. “Right there!” The goons waste little time in busting up the table and sending the silverware flying. Coral interviews that she was about to bite into steak, and now she has no clue what’s going on. The camera zooms in on the debris and a half-eaten steak.

The goons yell at the kids some more, getting their hands on the pool table, on their knees with their heads down. Dan: “Looks like the mission started a little early.” Either that, or Jonny is doing this just for kicks. One goon sasses out the players and chews on some leftover steak. Whatever.

After commercials, the goons yell for the players to get up, but not to look up. By the way, it’s 10:17 p.m. The kids march single file outside. Goon: “Welcome to hell.” Dude, have you tried recapping the same crap week in and week out? You haven’t? Well, shut up, then.

Night Vision! The kids are now in a dark room. Jonny declares that the final mission has begun. The players will remain in the room until he talks to them again. Everybody is under surveillance; any attempts to escape will result in disqualification. Time: 11:43 p.m. Sophia interviews that they have mats, cots and glow sticks. She adds, “What the hell? I thought we may it to the end. We’re supposed to be rewarded, not punished!” By the way, night vision lens plus Coral wearing just a bra equals a cheap thrill for the fans. Dan sorts through some clothes. Arissa tells us that they have crackers, water, and “ugly-ass army clothes.” Eric and Dan figure that Jonny will come back in the morning. Cut to 3:18 a.m., and the kids trying to get some sleep.

It’s 6 a.m. Jonny pops in to blow his air horn, and the goons scream for the players to get up. Impressively, Dan just pops right up in attention. Everybody is herded out of the room and up the stairs. Coral interviews that she looks foul, having gotten little sleep. The kids get sent into some big-wheeled vehicles.

En route to their final mission, they receive information from Jonny on Escape From Santa Fe. Seriously, if you’re on the Santa Fe Chamber of Commerce, would you allow this? Secondly, Jonny is laying out the rules on computer screen, while a sponsor video game plays behind him. At this point, the International Olympic Committee should be swooping in to swipe Jonny’s 1998 gold medal on general principle. It seems that Jonny is the new Roadmaster. For anybody who never watched RR: Maximum Velocity Tour, that’s not a compliment. Anyway, the players will be transported by plane to the drop zone. When they get there, they must retrieve a locator and use it to navigate through a three-mile course through the desert, towards the next rendezvous point. Along the way, they must collect three keys. The mission will end with a mental challenge. The first team that completes the mission will not only get that sweet $180,000 (not referred to as a “Handsome Reward,” I’m afraid), but also receives a trip for two around the round, valued at $45,000. Total prize package: $225,000.

We go to the Santa Fe Jet Center. As the players walk up to the plane, Arissa interviews that she’s not only never jumped from a plane before, she’s barely seen it done on television. “And the times that I have,” she adds, “it’s always because something has gone horribly wrong.” Theo interviews about how Arissa’s fear of heights is a good thing. The players get strapped into their gear and instructions. Coral lets us know that it’s not fun to jump out of a plane in the middle of a desert and run three miles. That is negative, but probably true.

The plane takes off. Theo interviews that they’re going 10,000 feet up. The guys will jump first, then the women. For some reason, Eric has tubes up his nose. Looks like Old Man Real World needs his precious oxygen. He tells us that they’ll be tandem jumping with instructors. Theo: “Skydiving’s a little bit scary. It’s blatantly weird. Jumping out of a plane, attached to some man that you just met ... not really cool.” As much as I can dislike Theo, I’m going to miss him on the quotes alone.

Theo jumps, followed by Eric and Dan. All three men land safely in the drop zone. Coral interviews that the guys are on a different course than the gals. “I want to know what’s on the damn ground,” she adds, “and how far my ass is gonna have to run.” Coral jumps. Arissa interviews that she knows that she has to do it, but every fiber in her body tells her that she can’t. She ends up jumping, followed by Sophia. She interviews that it feels good flying in the air, and she knows that she’s setting the tone for the mission. By the way, Sophia looks cute smiling in the air. The ladies land in their drop zone. Meanwhile, Theo and Dan are still enthused over their jump.

Both teams hustle to pick up their locators. Time: 8:05 a.m. On the walkie-talkie, Jonny tells both teams to start the mission. Dan interviews that he’s not even thinking about the women, that he’s focused on doing the mission as fast as he can. Both squads run through the desert.

After commercials, Eric lays out the exposition: the mission has three tasks, and the keys are used to open lockboxes and retrieve dogtags. The guys arrive at the barb wire portion of the mission. Dan interviews that they have to crawl under the wire and retrieve the key, which is under a cowpie. Both sides crawl around. Coral: “Okay, so when it sticks to your skin, you bleed like real people.” More searching. Sophia: “Needle in a haystack.” Oh, if you only knew. Dan gets the key, and the guys get the dogtag to move on. Sophia grabs the key, and the women move out. Dan uses the locator to find the next task. Eric interviews that the heat is getting to him, and the adrenaline isn’t helping.

Both teams get to the second task: untie knots on a rope and slide the key off. Sophia figures that if one knot is undone, the others will follow. Dan has problems. Eric helps out by yelling at his teammates. Sophia and Arissa work the rope, while the guys get hung up on theirs. The girls get their key, going up 2-1 on the guys. Anybody else believe that no editing was involved? Coral interviews that Arissa is exceeding her expectations. The guys untie the knots. Theo interviews that he’s worried the girls are getting ahead, and it makes the guys go harder. He grabs a dogtag, evening the score at 2-2.

Dan figures out where to go. Elsewhere, Sophia wanders the desert, trying to figure out the direction. The guys run towards their task. Sophia continues to have difficulty. Coral flashes Arissa a look. Third task: find a key in hay bales. Let’s take a moment of silence for Lena &; Kristy. [2020: Lena & Kristy Jensen were sisters that competed on the sixth season of The Amazing Race. In the third leg, Lena got stuck on a Roadblock, as she unrolled hay bales to find a clue. She was out there for over eight hours before host Phil Keoghan informed the pair that they had been eliminated] The guys get the key right away, getting their third dogtag. Elsewhere, the girls walk to the task. The guys run to the end of the course.

Cut to an above-ground shot of what looks like the J.W. Eaves Ranch, site of High Noon. Anybody else feels that this shot rips off the finale of any season of The Amazing Race? Heck, we even got a shot of Jonny waiting for a team, just like Phil Keoghan. The guys run in. Dan interviews that the guys haven’t arrived, but they have to compose themselves. Theo yells for Eric to hurry up. Old Man Real World just walks in. Meanwhile, the women are barely poking through the hay.

Jonny lays out the exposition on the final task: it’s a memory game. All 36 players are represented on cards. The guys have to flip the cards over two and a time in order to match pairs. Once all the cards are matched up, they must be lined up according to season order.

We get a split-screen of the guys playing and the girls going through hay. While they’re going through their actions, I have to ask: is anybody else ticked that this mission comes down to a game of Concentration? How lame is this? And people get paid to think this stuff up? You have to be kidding me. Look, I know this is a second-rate reality show, but would it kill these people to make things a little more challenging? This is a “Challenge,” right?

Blah blah blah, guys work on the cards, girls go through the hay. Eventually, Arissa finds the key, while the guys get down to six cards. The girls get their final dogtag. Coral tells us it took “seventeen years” to find the key, and they don’t know if they’re behind.

The guys match up the cards, and now they get to put them in order. The girls enter the town. Sophia: “I know that the guys have passed us at this point. I’m hoping, I’m praying for some small miracle, that they’re having a hard time.” Just like me, Sophia is grasping for straws. The guys try to figure out how the order of the Miami and Boston seasons. The girls continue to run. Eric says that the guys are done. Jonny informs them that the order is wrong. Dan figures that it’s Miami, then Boston. Theo interviews that even though the girls are in sight and the guys seem to be doing well, there is still a sense of urgency. Pardon me if I don’t hang on the edge of my seat.

The girls are still walking into town. Sophia: “You know, a lot of luck has been on their side, and that frustrates me and that makes me mad.” The guys are still puzzled, until Jonny informs them that they have it right. He orders them to ring a bell. As they run, Jonny yells they once they’ve run the bell, they win the game. I GOT THAT, JONNY! The fellas grab the rope and ring the bell. Game over, so much for my happy ending. Seriously, this has got to be the worst finale for a Challenge ever.

After the celebration, the guys walk alongside the downcast girls, who didn’t even make it to the puzzle. If you’re a Coral-hater, you must be in heaven right about now. Sophia: “The first thing I see is Eric and that freakin’ jump rope.” It’s going to take years for me to sandblast that rope from my memory. Coral: “Losing sucks, every single time.” At least she didn’t go to the hospital this season. After a gratuitous sponsor drink shot, Arissa interviews that if they made it to the puzzle in time, they would have won.

Time to tag and bag this turkey. Jonny announces that both teams were the “cream of the crop.” Of course, he says this with a straight face. Blah blah blah, $180,000 and the trips go to the guys. On a side note, Jonny says that the money can “be spilt up anyway they want to.” I fantasize Dan and Theo knocking Eric out and taking home $90,000 apiece. Some people speculate that this means Eric can share his check with Mark. Wow ... so that’s what my bile tastes like. After Battle of the Seasons and all the sharing contracts, I thought Bunim-Murray shut down any thoughts of collusion. For Mark to not only not get his comeuppance, but also get paid for it? Makes me ill.

Getting back to the show, the guys pick up their big checks. Dan interviews that his whole body is “one big chill.” Theo: “I think some people came here hoping to win. I came here with just the distinct goal of success, just because I like the way it feels to be a champion.” Eric interviews that he’s thankful to do things he could never have dreamt of. Like pimp jump ropes on cable television?

It’s flashback time. We go from a random skydiver to Eric throwing the mission. Nice job, editors. Like the women haven’t been kicked in the teeth often enough. We go to Bombs Away, as Cynthia and Sophia chow on garlic cloves and onions. Snake Pit Poker: what was that about? Coral: “You get more than five women in a room at the same time ... if it’s not an orgy, then it’s a big fight.” I’m gonna miss her. Cut to Ayanna and Aneesa snapping at each other. Cut to the Shredder mission. The guys compete in Semi-Cross. Arissa on the bike in Pop Culture Bike Jump. Arissa: “Every single thing that you overcome, every hurdle, every obstacle, will change your life.” Cut to Steven smacking Shane upside his head, and Jonny kicking Steven out. Watching Moseley try to be an authority figure is hysterical. Nick and Shane dance. Abram and Coral spend their last moments together.

Eric: “As soon as you come into an environment like this, the testosterone is flying, and the girls are getting lonely.” Is there such a thing as jump rope groupies? Anyway, Theo and Tonya smooch. The guys win Pole Position. Dan interviews that it was all about teamwork, and his team won twelve prizes and the final mission. He adds, “This trip couldn’t have been any better.” Sophia feels that her team did all that they could do. We see the ladies celebrate during Dangle Drop. “Nobody is leaving this mission upset,” Sophia interviews, “because we all knew we worked hard. We all knew we did our best, and we all knew that we almost won.” Theo interviews that all of the other guys who played had a piece of the puzzle along the way. Cut to Eric whipping his rope around. Theo: “We were just fortunate enough to be the ones that got to complete it.” He runs after Eric, spraying two bottles. The End.

Man, this season bit the big one. Once again: the “Battle of the Sexes” format never works, no matter what show it’s on. Watching the guys whup on the girls week after week was painful. You think the next season will get better? Well, it’s filming right now. The tentative title: Angels vs. Demons: Return to the Inferno. Oh, and there’s no Coral, but we have Beth, Shavonda, Veronica and Julie. Super.

There’s no teaser for next week’s reunion, but there are commercials airing on MTV. Tune in on Monday to watch everybody ridicule Eric and Brad calling out the guys for taking him out. Should be fun!

Angels vs. Demons? THAT was what Inferno II was originally called? Man, the stuff you find out when you're deep-diving.

There's not much else for me to add. Dan never popped up on a BMP show again. That was a shame, since he was normal and cool, and he probably would never had made the cut in today's Challenge. Theo did one more season (Fresh Meat) before he and partner Chanda were eliminated by Tina & Kenny in an Exile. He would go on to a career in stand-up comedy. Eric? He buggered off to Hawaii. Sometimes, I get his Facebook profile as a Friend suggestion. Two words: "hard pass."

Sophia basically vanished into the ether. Arissa would not return to The Challenge, but she was part of the "reunion" edition of The Real World: Las Vegas. Coral never did get her second win. She returned three seasons later in Fresh Meat, where she teamed with Evan and wound up running the game. But he suffered a hernia rupture and she got a broken kneecap. They were knocked out of that season. Her final season was Gauntlet III. Basically, she was part of a Veterans team that was big on "trimming the fat," which basically meant female players. She managed to defeat Beth in the Gauntlet, but when faced with a potential battle with Evelyn, she wound up quitting the game altogether. In the end, the Veterans won the final mission, but were disqualified after Eric "Big Easy" Banks had to drop out from exhaustion. Eric was a big guy. In other words, they didn't trim the literal fat. I'd like to think Coral laughed herself sick when she found out.

One more recap to go.