Battle of the Sexes 2 Episode 8: Squirm

I'm going to spoil this one right off the bat: this is the episode of Battle Of The Sexes 2 where Mike gets voted off.

When you get the Elimination Hill bit, you'll see how shocked I was when that happened. Basically, when somebody gets taken out of the game the one time, it will shock you. Similar moments where a Challenger was eliminated from the game the one and only time:

• Theo (with Chandra) getting bounced from Fresh Meat (something about an alliance with Derrick gone wrong; Theo used his last time on BMP making a crass joke about Derrick's height. I was appalled . . . and then I soured on Derrick years later, and started making cracks myself)
• Landon losing to Brad in in the final Duel of Duel II (I do not remember that; Landon would return two seasons later and win Fresh Meat II with Carley, giving him three titles in four seasons and status as a dark horse G.O.A.T. candidate)
• Timmy getting disqualified in the Inferno against Abram in Inferno 3, fucking up his legs in the process (it was so bad, Timmy basically called it quits . . . and unlike some people, he truly never came back)
• Mark (with Robin) losing the final Dome to Johnny & Camila in Battle Of The Exes (yes, you have to leave out how Mark quit near the end of BOTS2 . . . and believe me, I have thoughts on that)
• Laurel (the one I called "Killbot") getting beat in the final Fortress by Camila in Invasion of the Champions (I heard that Laurel had packed it in on purpose because she had injured herself and was unwilling to hurt herself further in the final mission. I buy that . . . and if I didn't, I wouldn't say it out loud. Once again: she's the one I call "Killbot")

Anyway, here's a disgusting mission that the guys win. Oh, and an update on Julie months before Inferno II started airing.

Episode Aired: November 22, 2004
Recap Posted: November 27, 2004

Worms and roaches plague the players, as they're forced into a Fear Factor rerun. Plus: Two veterans are sent packing.

Before we begin, I just want to wish everybody a happy holiday weekend. Also, one Challenge veteran got hitched recently: Julie Stoffer was wed to Spencer Rogers a few weeks back. Julie, I hope you're happy. As for Spencer? Run. Trust me on this. Just run, dude.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes 2: the veterans on the ladies' team influenced decisions, forcing the newbies to rethink their strategy. Cynthia told a few rookies to stand up for themselves. Tina and Tonya got into a fight. Cynthia got voted out, which caused more friction for the team. The boys beat the girls in High Noon, running their record to 5-1. Shawn and Angela were sent home, but not before Angela whined about how she didn't bitch or backstab. In case you haven't figured it out, it sucks to be on the women's squad right now.

Women's Lodge. Coral sings the praises of the Slurpee machine to Tonya. Yes, that's another reason to hate these people: they get to have frozen drinks, while you have to shlep to a convenience market. Coral then brings up Cynthia with Robin in earshot, since Robin was part of the Inner Circle that voted her off. Coral, if you wanted to impress me, try ranking on your pal Veronica or Ruthie the warrior princess. Robin tells Coral that if she should lead the team and win. "I don't have to step up, bitch," Coral snipes. "I was born to stepping up." Sure you are. I like Coral, but she tends to stretch the truth. Robin interviews that Coral is an intimidator who doesn't want others to do well, and that she wants new blood instead of the same people. Coral interviews that the new girls are biting off more than they can chew.

In the kitchen, Katie tells Aneesa that she wants to break up the alliance. Aneesa claims she can't trust anybody. Katie interviews that the veterans (Rachel, Veronica, and Coral) are confident, but the newbies (Robin, Ibis, and Aneesa) want to play fair. Actually, Aneesa went through this already. Ibis gripes how anybody who threatens the alliance gets whacked. Katie: "They care about one thing, and that's themselves. Not even each other." She labels Rachel as the bad seed and Veronica's "little protege." Burn! Aneesa makes sure that the conversation they just had never happened. Ibis interviews that she's aware of what's going on, and she's ready to start voting people off.

Daytime. Sophia talks with Nick and Shane about how people see them as gay characters. Shane tries to be strong from it. Eric pipes up about how they would come out to the world. I'd tell Eric to shut his heterosexual mouth, but the guy was probably close to Norman way back in 1992 during RW: New York. Shane interviews that he's happy Nick is here, since he's not the only gay person on the Challenge. What about BOTS1 and Dan Renzi? And I know Antoine seemed to be on the sexuality fence back then. How could you forget about those guys, Shane? "I think I could learn a lot from Shane," Nick interviews. "He's been through things that I'm going to be going through. I'm getting to see his perspective on all of this." Right away, the alarms go off in my mind. We've never focused on Nick or Shane this season. Are the Foreshadowing Fairies back in force?

Twilight. Mark and Brad play table tennis, when the sponsor phone rings. Jonny's message is weird, starting off with "There are 24 souls left." Huh? Yadda yadda yadda, be ready at 9 a.m., wearing bathing suits underneath clothes.

New day! Jonny welcomes the gang to today's mission: Fill 'Er Up. The guys hoot and holler for whatever reason. Jonny claims that this mission doesn't involve "any prior skills or talent," but it is extremely gross, and it involves strategy. Jonny takes the tarp off a container, which holds 100,000 "superworms" and 1,000 giant cockroaches. Yes, it's gonna be that kind of day. If you're eating something now, you'd best wait a few hours before continuing. The players' reactions range from being amped to two seconds from throwing up. Ibis interviews that she's never seen bugs that big. Jonny says that they don't have to eat them. Instead, they "only" have to chew them up and spit them out. Good thing Ace isn't here. That guy would've run halfway to Albuquerque by now, and I wouldn't have blamed him.

After commercials, Jonny lays out the rules: the team leaders choose one person to be drenched in honey. That person is placed in a glass coffin and gets covered in worms and roaches. One at a time, the players pick off the critters… with their mouths only. They proceed to run to a container, where they spit the mess out through a connecting straw. Who thinks up this crap? I want a name, people. Steven expositions that the first team to fill the container up to a set line wins. Nick adds that if the players touch the container, that results in a one-minute penalty. The winning team gets a "Swedish sleep system," valued at $2,100 apiece. First of all, just say, "mattress," Jonny. Secondly, is it worth a good night's sleep to be inhaling stuff you're not supposed to inhale? Jonny gives both sides the usual 30 minutes to appoint team leaders.

The guys decide to pick names out of a hat. What is this, The Apprentice? From that, method, we get Nick, Frank and Eric. On the women's side, Coral figures that the mission will be "almost impossible" to win. Rachel feels that certain people need to step up, and that they might sacrifice somebody before the mission. She then figures it'll be herself and Katie. Speaking of whom, Katie interviews that she's ready to step up, even though this is something she is not good at. Rachel goes on about how she doesn't want to see anybody in a leadership position go home. Katie interviews that she thinks Rachel is saying that she would be going home. For those new to this program, pressing Katie against a wall brings out the tiger in her. She tells Rachel that she's not going to be a leader. "Katie is jeopardizing my position on the team," Rachel interviews, "by not stepping up as a leader, because she should be the one to go home if we lose this mission." Scheming for Katie to leave? That's so last season.

Jonny calls up the teams to reveal their leaders. The women end up being led by Tonya, Sophia and Rachel. The mission starts with Mark and Arissa lying down in the coffins and getting drenched in honey. Soon, the roaches get dumped, with Arissa complaining about the pain. The worms get dumped next. One girl tells Arissa that the team loves her. They had better. Both stand up, covered in critters from head to toe. Mark: "I've looked better, I think." Okay, that was funny.

Jonny blows his airhorn to start things off. I'm skipping play-by-play, since I care that my audience doesn't get nauseous. The players rush over to snag the worms and bugs, then spit them out in the container. Robin: "This is the foulest, most nastiest mission." She's only a rookie, but I think she's right. Shane manages to spew into the container. Nick tells us that puking on command is Shane's talent. Coral: "I gotta get a real job, man! This is whack!" More licking, running and spitting. You know, if you get rid of the vermin, this would be as homoerotic as Melt With You. Randy: "You just feel them wanting to get out or go down your throat. They got plans of their own. It's like, eat them before they eat you." More spitting. Randy grabs the container while spitting, invoking a one-minute penalty for his team. Sophia interviews that she thinks the women will win this mission. Rachel touches the straw, causing her team to get penalized.

More licking off Mark and Arissa. As much as I hate Mark, as much as I'm apathetic towards Arissa, I feel they had better use this mission to get out of going home at least once. Finally and mercifully, the guys get to the line, winning the mission. Arissa yells for somebody to get a roach off her crotch. Sophia is brave enough to flick the bug off. Somewhere, executive producer Jonathan Murray is hating himself, wishing he had put the Challenge in Baltimore. Mark gets hosed off, interviews that he couldn't want for the mission to be over. Jonny awards the "sleep systems" to the guys, then gives both teams the usual spiel about voting.

Boys' Inner Circle Meeting. Eric brings up the guys who have lost so far: Mike, Mark, Chris and Shane. Nick doesn't want Shane to go, interviewing that he's been proud of him in the last few missions. Eric brings up Randy's penalty, and how Mike is the only guys to have both a loss and a disqualification. Frank leans towards Mike. Eric then goes through the usual crapola about how he's waiting for "The Miz" to come back, and that Mike has stepped it up lately. Eric interviews that Mike is part of the core team, but he doesn't want other people to wonder why Mike is being pushed to them.

At the Main Lodge, Mike figures that he's always up for getting the boot. Elsewhere, the three leaders from the women's team talk about their survival. Rachel interviews that she has been a strong voice on the team, and that she's feeling confident. Tonya tells Theo that her teammates think she's part of the alliance. She interviews that she's definitely on the chopping block.

Girls' Inner Circle Meeting. Aneesa doesn't feel Sophia deserves to go home. The others agree, and the vote comes down to Rachel and Tonya. Aneesa votes for Rachel. Ibis thinks that Rachel is a great girl, but she gets the vote. She interviews, "I think that a lot of the new girls, all of our purpose in this Challenge is to not let intimidation get to us." Ruthie leans towards Tonya, based on past disqualifications. Coral votes for Tonya, because she needs Rachel in the final mission. For what? Stomping on spiders? Katie figures Tonya and Rachel are even, since neither one has performed better than the other. "Rachel," Katie interviews, "you're not as slick as you think, and I'm sending you home." Hard to believe that I hated Katie this time last year. The girl is a stone-cold hater after my own heart. Robin rubs her eyes before voting for Rachel. Coral chimes in about how people think she's hooked up with Rachel, Veronica and Tonya, then tries to point people out. Arissa votes for Tonya, saying that she can't vote for Rachel or Sophia. Tina interviews that it's come down to her.

Elimination Hill. Jonny goes through the usual stuff before calling the guys for their decision. Eric lumbers up with the freakin' jump rope around his head. To give you guys a unique perspective, I'm going to write the entirety of Eric's speech, along with an approximation of my thoughts while I watched.

Eric: "We have a formula. We're sticking by it. We're dealing with points, wins and DQs."

Me: "It's Randy, right? Heaven forbid Mike should go home. It's a shame… I don't adore Randy, but I know people who love him."

Eric: "Today, [we're] not very happy to send home this person, because he's a great guy. He brings a lot of the energy to the team..."

Me: "Sure, sure. Just send Randy home, already."

Eric: "...and it's unfortunate that we have to send Miz home today."

Me: "There we go. I… WHAT?!? WHAT?!?"

Mike. Is out. Mike is gone. After three Challenges and change, the novelty of him getting dismissed takes a while to settle in, even as I write this. He grins and bears it, saying that this was the way he had to go out. He also breaks out "The Miz," and I'm not repeating it. I don't watch Tough Enough, so I don't have to care about his lame wrestling persona.

Women's turn. Coral and Veronica come up, but only Coral speaks. She goes on about how the team had different reasons for voting. And our lucky loser is… Rachel! Yes! I'm sorry, but I consider this boot payback for her subpar performances during BOTS1 and The Gauntlet, and for the times she tried to put the screws to Sarah. Rachel comes up, mentioning the time she got bitter when booted out of BOTS1. But she had a good time here, and she's never spent as much time with her buddies, Shane and Veronica. Rachel then does the "This game isugly!" shtick in jest. Have I mentioned that I'm glad she's going home? She interviews that she should have seen the boot coming. She adds, "I honestly thought that I didn't need to worry."

On the way back to the Lodge, Veronica snipes that she's pissed, and she doesn't think her team will win now that Rachel is gone. First of all, have you seen Rachel's performances in Challenges? She defines "underachiever." Secondly, when did you turn into Darrell? Enough with the negative attitude! Rachel gets snippy about how some of the girls can't look at her. Katie: "I'm prepared for the repercussions. Coral does not intimidate me, and Veronica does not intimidate me. I'll take them all on." I don't want Katie to throw down with Veronica. Been there, done that. But Coral vs. Katie? Ego vs. Temper? I'm there with popcorn and a drink.

Speaking of Coral, she walks in the field with Mike. He feels that he hadn't played his game. Coral says that if she goes home, it wouldn't be because she's weak. She then laments over losing Rachel, Abram and Mike. "I've done everything with Mike," Coral interviews, "and I feel like his time was cut short here. It's going to be weird for me to be here and have him not be here with me. I'm going to miss him." If it's any consolation to Coral, she currently owns the longest streak of missions done without elimination at 49. The only other players close to her are Dan (30 missions) and Mark (28).

Farewells. Mike gets hugs from his teammates. Mark interviews that it is tough to lose a competitor like Mike, and he feels Mike should have been around longer. Mike tells us that he can't be mad. "All you Mizfits out there," he adds, "I'll be back." Mizfits? Does anybody buy what this guy sells? Meanwhile, Rachel tells Veronica that she loves her more than anything. That's not as gross to think about as the worms and bugs… but it's up there. "Don't let these young bitches beat us out," she adds. Veronica: "They don't know how to play the game. When it comes time, never forget who voted for Rachel. They made a mistake, because I'm still here, and they will go home." Oh, I'm so scared. Seriously, the rookies have the numbers. Also, out of all the people there, who has done the most Challenges? Who would have the biggest target? That would be you, Veronica. Keep those bags packed, and get your resume ready.

Night. The Paramount nightclub. We have the usual dancing and grooving, with Shane twitching on a stage. Hey, he's not as bad as Matt in Telluride. Nick interviews that people would assume two gay guys would hook up if they're the only ones around. I don't think Karamo and Willie would make for a good couple, but I understand where Nick comes from. He joins Shane for some dancing. "Since I don't know how long I'm going to be here," Nick adds, "I'm definitely open to flirting with Shane and seeing whatever happens." More dancing, as Shane goes topless. He interviews that he's waited a long time to have fun with a gay man. He adds, "It's nice to know that I have met someone who has gone through the same experiences that I have." Shane grinds against Nick. Fade to black. I thank the producers for not blowing the ending.

Next time: The guys get Chris a stripper. No, really. Of course, being the God-praising guy that he is, Chris has issues with that. We got a climbing mission, and it turns out Arissa is afraid of heights. Ruthie grimly interviews that if Arissa doesn't make it, the ladies lose the mission.

The bit about Jon Murray wishing they had filmed in Baltimore . . . I have no clue. None. If anyone has an idea what I was referencing, please give it to me.

Good news: Rachel got voted off. Bad news: she was not humbled by it, and she spent most of the following season (Inferno II) bullying Tonya along with Tina and Veronica. I do have limits about past hatred. For instance, I will not track down Rachel's kid and tell her how much on an underachieving butterfaced bitch she was. But if they come to me, that's a different story. What, you'd want me to lie about that?

Mike wound up doing Inferno II as well. It was the first and only Challenge he ever did without Coral, and he won on the Good Guys side alongside Landon (in his rookie season), Darrell (getting his third title) and Jamie. The funniest thing was that Jamie was the only woman left on her team like Coral was in The Gauntlet and The Inferno, but she actually won. After that season, he basically retired from the show to focus on becoming a pro wrestler. Happily, he grew beyond his busted-ass impression of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Apparently, Julie managed to hang onto a version of her website, Planet Julie. I believe she's still married to Spencer, and they have three kids. Good for her. But if they ever ask me what I thought of their mother? Once again, I will not lie to them #TeamMelissa