Saturday, August 05, 2017

The Inferno Episode 3: Enter the Wiznitch

I'm going to start by saying that this episode might have the best mission in the history of the Challenge. I mean, I will badmouth the Infernos up and down, but Wreck 'n Roll looked awesome to play, and it was awesome to watch. In fact, that got reincarnated as a"Pit" in Battle Of The Bloodlines, where Mike Boise defeated Stephen Buell. This was a bit dramatic . . . basically, Cara Maria gave Stephen a "handful" on the bus, and she was going to keep her boyfriend Abram (Mike's brother; all-around psycho) out of the loop. And then Abram and Mike showed up, and Johnny -- being the small-dicked pot-stirrer that he is -- dropped a dime on Cara Maria. Abram got into it revving Mike up, to the point where he got a nosebleed, seemingly from the anticipation. It's stuff like that that has led me to theorize that the Bozo From Bozeman has been murdering hobos and drifters throughout the state of Montana for years.

The title? Well, The Inferno was running around the same time as the second season of The Surreal Life was wrapping up, with Trishelle as one of the cast members. One of the episodes centered around the has-beens and never-weres putting on a play for children, and Trishelle played "The Wiznitch." Because 2004, that's why. As much as I have disliked Trishelle over the years, I will say this: NOBODY deserves to be trashed by the likes of Sally Jesse Raphael the way Trishelle was in the finale. I attended a taping Sally Jesse's show. Afterward, the audience got served pizza before the next episode. I dug in, ate a slice, and got the fuck out of there.

Oh, and we get to an ongoing theme: "Katie Is Weak, And She Will Destroy Road Rules From Within." The funny thing is that Mike and Coral saw how RR treated Sarah in The Gauntlet, and they still won. Hell, they probably would have triumphed even if Coral didn't get bit by the spider.

Airdate:February 9, 2004 (two days before my essay on the season premiere got posted)
Recap Published: February 15, 2004

Think your last breakup was messy? Trishelle comes after Mike after he has the nerve to dance with another woman, and gets slapped for her actions. Meanwhile, the kids live like rock stars for a few minutes.
In case anybody was wondering, I did not write about the Fantasy Challenge. Basically, it’s the same set of rules as last season, with 10 points going to the Aztec Lifesaver winner. Going into this episode, I had my team (Team name: “In Brightest Day…”) picked out: Coral, Mike, Julie, Kendal, Veronica and Katie. But after seeing the commercials, I substituted Trishelle for Veronica. Would I reap the benefits? Let’s find out.

Previously on The Inferno: The players arrived in Acapulco, and got the lowdown from new host Dave Mirra: each mission is worth $10,000, and the final mission pays out $150,000. Road Rules won Grope the Rope, while Real World triumphed in Birdfeeder. Syrus bailed out of a date in the Inferno by winning the Aztec Lifesaver, and he sent Ace in his place. Sadly, Ace lasted all of eleven seconds against Jeremy in Bug Helmet, as he became the biggest joke in BMP history… at least until David Broom got busted for patronizing a prostitute. Damn, and he had been so good lately. Insert your own “Come On Be My Baby Tonight” joke here.

After the credits (Yellowcard, “Miles Apart,” underwhelming action), we hit the Villa, where Leah, Julie and Trishelle talk about hot guys. Leah goes with Darrell, while Trishelle likes CT. Leah always likes Mike. Trishelle reminds us that she went out with Mike during The Gauntlet, and they broke up when they got home. Oddly, she’s wearing a red Miz shirt. She tells the other girls that she dated him for his personality, not his looks. Have I mentioned that I hate her? “I didn’t break up with Mike because I didn’t care about him,” she interviews. “I’m really bad with relationships. I’m really not datable. I’m very hard to tame.”

Cut to Julie, with Mike and Darrell. Mike tells Julie about the day he and Trishelle broke up. Apparently, she had made out with five other guys in front of him. Julie laughs as Darrell counts it up. Mike interviews that Trishelle doesn’t know how to have a boyfriend, and she thinks the world revolves around her. “I can be her friend,” he adds, “but I can never have a relationship with her.”

Nightclub. Lots of dancing: Coral with CT, Mike with Christena, Leah backing into Darrell. Julie’s spastically dances by herself, which suits me fine. Cut back to Mike and Christena. It looks innocent by BMP standards. Trishelle looks pissed in every possible way. “I don’t necessarily like to see my ex-boyfriend hook up with other people in front of my face,” she interviews. It hurts my feelings.”

Trishelle yells at Mike. Since the party’s at full blast, the editors insert subtitles. Trishelle calls Mike an ass and bitches him out, but he walks away. “I’m gonna kick your ass!” she shouts. “[Bleep] you!” Mike doesn’t understand how her mind works. He adds, “Drama-filled night, once again, here we go.”

Coral reads Trishelle the riot act about her hurting Mike. I don’t know if its Coral concerned about her friend, or just wanting to bust on Trishelle. Either way works great for me. Cut to Mike looking on, and Abram dancing like a total spaz. Perhaps he should hook up with Julie. Wait, I take that back. More arguing. Trishelle insists she’s not serious. Coral tells her to chill out. Trishelle gets in Coral’s face, refusing to chill. I know Coral’s bark is probably worse than her bite, but Trishelle isn’t being smart here. Coral walks away, and Trishelle threatens to beat her ass. Jeremy tries to put a hand on Trishelle, and barely avoids her swipe. “[She] wants to beat us up, which I didn’t like,” Coral interviews. “I don’t really like when people talk crazy to me. The editors waste Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” on Trishelle yelling, asking Mike what the problem is. Mike won’t talk to her, and walks away.

Night becomes day, and we got a new mission. Dave welcomes everybody to Wreck ‘n Roll. The mission: “decorate” identical hotel rooms by wrecking them like rock stars. Of course, everybody loves this mission, especially Abram. Dave introduces Yellowcard, which makes Julie really happy. The band will give a guy and a girl on each side a new guitar. As they play a song, both teams must use the guitars and their strength to smash everything. The ensuing rubble must then get shoved into three crates given to each team. Abram basically repeats everything Dave said in an interview, adding that the crates have eight-inch holes. In other words, stuff has to be broken down before it’s shoved into a crate. Dave adds that the team with the most debris by weight wins $10,000 for their bank account. Julie does another spastic dance.

Mike and Julie get their guitars. Julie has this crazy look in her eyes. I start fearing for the lives of her teammates. RR discusses strategy, as Christena gets a guitar. Holly recommends Abram for guitar-wielding duty. Darrell interviews that Abram is already strong, and the weakest male player – Jeremy – should get it. Interesting… Mike and Julie are the most aggressive people on RW, while Christena and Jeremy strike me as even-tempered. “I’m going nuts!” Jeremy shouts at the camera, Miz-style. “I’m amped! I’m charged! I’M GONNA BREAK EVERYTHING!” Shut up. You’re on the damn show already, so dial it down a few notches.

Back from commercials, Yellowcard starts playing “Way Away,” and both sides start grabbing stuff and throwing it down. “It feels so [bleeping] good to just pick that thing up and smash it on the ground,” Abram interviews. “It’s great. Loving this mission.” Timmy dumps a plant into a crate. RW has 39.0 lbs of debris, while RR has 46.5. Christena slowly hacks away at a bureau with her guitar. Katie interviews that she hasn’t been performing well, and she’s trying to concentrate. Jeremy starts wailing on drawers.

Over at the RW room, Mike does a 360 with his axe, chopping away. This display of lumberjacking would make Sean proud. One guy bashes a chair. Mike obliterates the drawers. More stuffing into crates, and Timmy still working plant detail. RW 76.0, RR 79.5. Timmy interviews that they’re doing great working as a team.

Jeremy busts a television with his guitar, and then stands in awe. Abram joins him, using a chair to deal his blows. Jeremy: “You have the opportunity to take a brand new guitar and smash it straight through a brand new television. I mean, this is a guy’s freakin’ dream.” For a record, I have two dreams: employment and doing commentary on a VH1 show. I can handle I Love the 90s. Abram shatters his chair, and Darrell finishes off the TV. Julie hacks away weakly with her guitar. Christena and Jeremy team up. More dumping. RW 115.5, RR 111.0.

Jeremy hacks into a table, while Holly carries debris away. Julie bangs some more. Mike grabs a mirror, throws it to the ground, and smashes it. First of all, he’s just guaranteed himself seven Challenges of bad luck. Second, the mirror probably weighs a few pounds. Third, he turns the shards into little jagged shards. He voiceovers that he’s beating stuff in time with the music. In other words, he’s having way too much fun with this mission. Julie hacks away. Darrell breaks stuff. RW 160.0, RR 169.5. Jeremy bashes a piece of a guitar. Julie yells at her teammates. Dumping. RW 236.5, RR 239.0. Christena throws her guitar on the ground. Julie is clearly wiped out, but still hacking. Abram interviews that every bit counts.

Syrus drags out the decimated drawers. The singer does a backflip off a speaker. Julie screams that the song is almost over. Christena breaks her guitar, obviously out of editing sequence. One of the RW guys shakes his foot out of a broken TV. More bashing. And finally, the airhorn sounds, signaling the mission’s end. In terms of watching, I think Wreck ‘n Roll was one of the best missions ever. Both teams come down from their respective highs. “Dude, that was the best experience of my life!” Julie gushes. “I can die a happy woman. Now I lived my dream fantasy!” Darrell interviews that he’s not feeling good, and he hopes everything will be fine.

Dave reads off the results: RR brought in 290 lbs, while RW got 266. He awards the cardboard check to RR, which Timmy busts over his knee and throws to the ground. That’s not gonna make the sponsor happy. Veronica updates that RR is up 2-1 on RW, and they’re sitting comfortably. Dave tells the teams that they must decide which two women are to be nominated for the Inferno. Jeremy shows off the check and his guitar.

RR meeting. Katie immediately offers herself up for nomination, since she stunk up the first two missions. Kendal interviews, commending Katie for volunteering. Holly also considers putting her name out. She is wearing a bandage under her eye; in her recap, she revealed that Shane took a victory swing at some shutters, and she nearly lost an eye. Holly figures that she can’t be beat if she goes into the Inferno. Darrell: “Holly, Holly, Holly, what is you doing? You’re too valuable for us. If we lose Holly, we’re gonna be in trouble.” Apparently, Darrell will love anybody on his team who isn’t Sarah. The team confirms the nominations of Holly and Katie.

RW meeting. Julie decides to vote on the times from the first mission, going with Mallory (disqualified) and Leah (slowest time). Mallory interviews that she knew she’d be on the chopping block. Trishelle agrees, adding that she can’t vote for herself, since she had the best time in Grope the Rope. She interviews, “I am thinking that there is no chance in hell that I’m going to get nominated for the Inferno. That’s not even an option to me.” David goes with Leah and Mallory. Leah interviews that she expects the nomination.

Now it is Mike’s turn. He votes for Leah for her slow time… and then Trishelle, who had told him, Coral and Mallory that she was going to beat their asses. “As a team, no one should get into fights with each other,” he says. “No one should be getting into any kind of drama.” I’m sorry, Mike… is this your first reality show? Trishelle gripes over Mike’s reasoning. “He felt that I was threatening the team,” she laughs. “I’m a huge threat, I guess.”

Mallory votes for Leah and Trishelle, as does Coral. She interviews that Trishelle brought the drama on herself. “If this is going to be a factor in your three votes every team,” she snipes, “you [bleeping] send me right now, because that’s not going to make me do this for our team.” Mike and Coral proceed to gang up on Trishelle. “That’s not cool saying you’re going to beat people up,” Coral chides. “That’s never cool.” I know… she’s going to come off as a hypocrite when she tells Julie that she beats bitches up. Seriously, I don’t care. Trishelle: “Coral is just so freakin’ manipulative. She does not want me because I am competition to her.” Yeah, because Coral is so afraid of Trishelle. Shut up. Syrus votes for Trishelle and Leah. CT reads off the totals, Trishelle has four votes, and Leah has six. She interviews that she’s pissed at Mike.

Trishelle bitches to Syrus about the vote. Being a man of peace, Syrus tries to calm her down, telling her not to get emotional, lest she get thrown to the wolves. She sighs, asking about her incentive. Syrus starts to say something, but she doesn’t want to hear it. “I’m on the most selfish team that I’ve ever been on in my entire life,” Trishelle interviews, “and I don’t intend on letting anyone walk all over me.” To review: she does some sketchy stuff to her peers, and acts surprised when she’s called on it. Suddenly, her being friends with Julie makes more sense than ever, since they can’t see that what goes around comes around.

Villa. Trishelle asks Mike if they’re on the same team. “You think?” Mike responds. “We’re wearing red, aren’t we?” Actually, he’s got his black Miz shirt, but I get his point. He brings up the threatening of teammates, telling her that she should have apologized. He interviews that she had done so, the vote might have been different. Trishelle doesn’t believe this. “If you’re going to vote for people on a personal note,” she interviews, “keep your reason to yourself. I do not think that’s being a team player. And it more hurt my feelings as a friend.” She tells Mike that she has a problem with him kissing other people. Mike rightfully throws that back in her face. I imagine Mike watches The Surreal Life, setting up his own drinking game with Trishelle in the center of it, and passing out before Vanilla Ice throws one of his hissy fits. He tells her that he was sorry to have voted her in, but all she had to do was explain her actions. As he says this, the editors bring in some music, which I instantly recognize from the song played during Coral’s flashback montage last season. Even though Coral can be a rampaging bitch, I sympathized with her back then. Trishelle? Not so much. She wipes her eyes before hugging Mike. “I had way too much pride,” she interviews, “and I didn’t want to admit any faults. When you really care about somebody, you have to put that aside. I guess I’m learning that now.”

 Dave announces the nominations: Leah and Trishelle from RW, and Holly and Katie from RR. Timmy thinks that RW has “more grudges, more he said/she said.” Julie interviews that RR has a good strategy of sending in the strongest and weakest players. Dave tells the teams to make their picks.

RW meeting. Coral doesn’t want to vote based on how RR will vote. She wants to ensure that the RW representative will stay by picking Katie. Trishelle wants to vote for Holly, since it would be better to get rid of her. Over at RR, Katie wants a weaker player, since she’s 99 percent certain that she’ll get picked. She interviews that Trishelle has a lot of pride.

Back at RW, Mike tells the team that Holly would kick RW ass in every mission. He figures that voting Katie would be easy. But, according to Mike, “we keep Katie in there, she’s gonna mess up every mission for the team. If she messes up every mission, we win every mission.” RW agrees to send Holly to the Inferno. On the other side, Holly suggests Trishelle, since she’s a better player than Leah. Her teammates concur.

Outside, the teams keep their plates hidden from each other before putting them up for display. You’ll be happy to know that the names are spelled correctly this time. Both teams hug and act cordial, but Timmy looks nervous. “There’s a huge fear in losing Holly,” he interviews. “I don’t want her to leave. She’s a strong female, possibly the strongest we have.” As Holly and Veronica hug, Timmy mouths at the camera, probably about how this is a bad move. Or he could be pimping his show. I really need subtitles. Veronica interviews that having Katie on the team helps RW, since they wouldn’t vote her into the Inferno. “In an ideal utopian world,” she adds, “Holly would win the Aztec Lifesaver, and she would pass that right on over to Katie.” Looks like Katie and Veronica still hate each other.

Trishelle asks Mike if the team will support her. She interviews that he’ll always be a friend, even though he pisses her off. “He thinks I might win the Inferno just to spite him,” she adds, “and I may just do that.” Coral: “There’s not one person on our team that would sacrifice themselves for Trishelle. Not one person. I’m looking forward to seeing her in the Inferno with some roaches on her head.”

Next time: We got a climbing wall suspended by a crane, and Katie doesn’t want to climb it. Shane: “If it doesn’t involve smoking or drinking, Katie doesn’t want to do it.” Holly: “How do you believe in someone that doesn’t even want to be here?” I don’t ever want to hear another word about Sarah being a quitter ever again. Coral and Trishelle argue. Dave lays out the second Inferno: eat as many chili peppers in one hour. Suddenly, the word “Inferno” takes on a new and scary meaning.

Postscript: Trishelle brought in 92 points for me. While Julie netted a disappointing six, the Coral/Mike juggernaut brought home 45, giving me a respectable 143 points to start things off. I’m getting that Saturn this year. I just hope Julie isn’t the one to award it to me.

Totally forgot about David Broom actually "servicing a ho" back then. For $10. I'm thinking he would've paid more if he got further than five missions in his two Challenges. Also forgot Kendall had a blog; luckily, Archive is able to bring it back.

I have to end by posting the video for "Way Away." I'm a little nervous; in the past month, I have brought up Danny Dias, who wound up overdosing. Then I posted Linkin Park's video  for "Numb," and lead singer Chester Bennington committed suicide. All I'm saying is that I hope nothing bad happens to anybody associated with Yellowcard. "Way Away" resonated with me, especially when my relationship with the recappers of Reality News Online became increasingly strained. Before I started recapping Inferno II, I opened a post with lyrics from that song. I liked the band, I liked that song, and I'm really, really, REALLY hoping my blog isn't some sort of Death Note. Oh, and I think the same guy does the sweet backflip in the final verse that he did in the episode.

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