In retrospect, I realize that a viewer didn't have to pick sides between Julie and Coral. For Coral, Julie was an irritant. Like I have said, Coral loved to blast irritants. Also, she was best friends with Melissa at that time. Even though Melissa had won her "battle" with Julie, Coral felt the need to antagonize her further. Around this time, I was liking Coral's approach more and more, because she did not suffer fools gladly. I realize that her bark was probably worse than her bite, but her "victims" usually had it coming. At this point, the intensity between the two ws about to come to a head.
Oh, and while the Real World team was dealing with that, Road Rules was getting sicker and sicker of Katie. That would boil over in the next episode, leading to one of the craziest endgames ever played. But not today. Oh, and I "congratulate" Trishelle on the William Hung video and Sean & Rachel Duffy on the birth of their third child. Today, he's a congressman from Wisconsin with eight kids. EIGHT. I think they're eligible for their own series on TLC.
Airdate: April 5, 2004 (the one hundredth episode, according to Wikipedia!)
Recap Published: April 12, 2004 (either I wanted to take my time with this one, or I was lazy. Probably both)
The players twist and shoot for money, and Katie underachieves yet again. But what happens when Julie calls Coral out?
Before I start, I'd just like to
congratulate Trishelle for starring in William Hung's video for "She
Bangs." Way to find a new level of rock bottom! Also, congratulations to
ex-Real World cast members Sean Duffy and Rachel Campos on the birth of
their daughter, Lucia. Seeing how this is their third child in the span of five
years, I implore Sean: let her breathe, man! Sheesh!
Previously on The Inferno:
Katie's substandard water-bearing efforts in Balls Out not only lost Road Rules
the mission, but made Real World declare her their mascot. Needless to say,
Veronica was pissed off. Mike: "That girl is making us money. That girl is
gonna make us bank." Voiceover Lady: "Despite Katie's struggles, Road
Rules scores yet another win." Yeah, if the producers had actually
enforced the "five minutes or disqualified" rule in Bungee Bound,
then RR would have lost. Instead, Katie's underachieving actually won the
mission, upping their bank to $70,000. Finally, we get footage of Coral and
Julie sniping at each other during Ultimate Saturn Road Trip. Buckle up,
babies . . . we're going on one helluva ride.
Nighttime at the Villa. Julie and
Katie chat about being outcasts. Katie admits that she would perform better if
her team was nicer to her. Otherwise, she can't be bothered. "When they're
rude to me, I have no intention of busting my ass," she interviews.
"I figure they're going to vote me anyway, so what the [bleep] do I
care?" Yes, that's the attitude that got her through a whopping four missions
last season. Julie figures that Veronica is rallying the team against Katie in
the same way that Coral is doing to her. Cry me a river. "I have one more
battle with that girl," Julie interviews of Coral. "If she crosses me
one more time, then I'll scream." She tells Katie that Coral has been mean
to her from the beginning. She interviews about feeling trapped and reaching
her breaking point.
Night turns to day, and we go to the
mission site where we see the players' faces with bulls-eyes on them. Dave
welcomes everybody to Twist and Shoot. As Syrus does a cute twist dance, Dave
explains that the mission will test their balance and hand-eye coordination.
The objective: shoot paintballs at the targets. Abram interviews the same
thing, but he's laughing about it. Guns and Abram should never mix. Dave brings
in the twist: the players will shoot from a spinning 20-foot platform. CT
explains that they have 30 shots, and they can't shoot if they fall off the
platform. Dave mentions a critical rule: if anybody shoots before he blows his
air horn, that's a 50-point penalty. Timmy adds that the players get 10 points
per target hit, and any premature shots are deducted. The team with the highest
average score gets $10,000, and anybody who hits the big chili pepper gets
$1,000 from the sponsor.
Dave brings up Leah's anxiety attack
from the last episode. Her doctor has recommended she sit this mission out, but
RW won't be penalized. "We do not know how to win," Mike laments in
an interview, as David climbs up to the platform. "Everyone needs to step
it up, big time, because we can't lose another mission. They are killing
us."
Air horn. David spins around and
around, hitting pictures of Holly, Darrell, and Katie. He slips off, dangling
on the bungee cord above the platform. His score: 60 points, plus $1,000. Darrell
interviews that he's been shooting guns since he was a kid. Okay, then. He
interviews, "I know I'm gonna get a couple rounds off somebody’s
ass." He scores 90 and $1,000. Mike gets 50 and $1,000, and he's happy
that he hit the chili. Christena gets 30 and $1,000. "It's so funny,"
she interviews, "to get Coral in the mouth and shut her up for good."
Christena bugs, doesn't she? She's a stealth annoyance . . . you don't notice how
big a jerk she is for a long time. CT is spun off quickly, getting 10 points
and $1,000. Abram calmly fires, nailing 10 and $1,000.
Average scores: RW 40, RR 77. Coral
comments that she is sick and tired of losing. Julie fires, as her teammates
yell for her to aim lower. She runs out of ammo, scoring 20 and $1,000. On the
ground, Coral shakes her head. Kendal gets spun off, only getting 10 and
$1,000. Holly lifts off the platform, scoring no points and $1,000. She
interviews, "It was a poor performance, to say the least."
The editors pipe in "Stand
Up" by Ludacris. First of all, is it normal of me to immediately associate
that song with the time Veronica saved herself from a Gauntlet trip? Secondly,
how long before BMP makes the players hang midgets from their necklaces? I'm
sorry, but that is such a catchy song. Anyway, Coral starts shooting, and she
shoots the "peppa," as pronounced by CT. She runs out of bullets,
getting 40 points and $1,000. She gets spun around some more, and she yells for
the turntable to be stopped. On the ground, Dave has himself a nice chuckle.
Veronica shoots, forcing Darrell and Coral to duck. She gets spun off,
receiving 10 points and no money.
Katie's turn. Timmy yells for her to
aim lower, but she can't pull it off. "That's my girl!" Mike yells
from the sideline. Katie hangs on the cord with a smile, getting no points and
no money. That has to annoy her teammates. Christena snipes that Katie wasn't
even spinning. Timmy: "On a scale of one to ten, Katie just did
[raspberry, thumb down]." Looks like Uncle Timmy is losing his patience.
Syrus climbs up to the platform. He
voiceovers that he has to get a good position. As Dave gets ready to blow his
air horn, Syrus shoots, nailing Holly's picture. Dave reminds Syrus that he
just got a 50-point penalty. Syrus cannot believe it, and he threatens to shoot
Dave. He spins around and fires, getting 30 points (eighty minus the penalty)
and $1,000.
As Timmy climbs up to the platform,
Dave explains that he needs to shoot four targets to win and three to tie.
"Put it this way," Timmy quips to the others, "this is the only
time you're going to see me nail Trishelle!" Nice! After everybody has a
good laugh, Timmy gets spun off. Veronica counts the targets hit, and Christena
figures that the final result is close.
Dave announces the scores. RR got
280 points, which averages out to 35 each. RW got 210, which also averages out
to 35 each. Dave asks the best shooters from each team to face off in a sudden
death match. This time, the players must hit only the pepper.
Syrus takes his turn, occasionally
firing sideways. He gets spun off, scoring 50 points. On the ground, Darrell
reminds Abram to keep his finger off the trigger. As the countdown ends, Abram
squeezes off a premature shot. Sensing their losing streak is about to end, RW
laughs and cheers. Abram interviews that he has to hit the pepper five times
just to get to zero, then hit it five more times in order to tie. "I feel
like we won," Syrus interviews, invoking the gods of foreshadowing.
"It's a done deal."
After commercials, Abram waits for
the air horn before shooting. He fires, spins, waits and fires again. As he
falls off, his team cheers. His score: 50 points. I don't necessarily root for
the guy, but that was impressive. On the ground, Coral rolls her eyes.
Dave reviews what just happened,
then announces double overtime. This time, each team sends a female shooter to
compete. Christena volunteers for RR. Coral asks Julie if she wants to go.
Julie decides to let Coral go at it. CT interviews that he feels confident that
Coral will win.
Coral takes her shots, getting 40
points before falling. Christena says that she needs five shots to win, adding that
she'll try to get more than she needs. Naturally, she succeeds, getting 80
points for the win. RR whoops it up, RW looks glum, and Christena screeches
that she smells $10,000. Once again: shut up, Christena. David interviews that
RR has now won five missions in a row. "It's one thing to lose," he
adds, "but to lose in a double overtime? That's a tough pill to
swallow."
Denouement. Dave awards the
cardboard check to RR, upping their bank account to $80,000. Christena accepts
it, and somebody waves her picture in the background. Dave also awards $1,000
individual checks to everybody except Leah, Timmy, Veronica, and Katie. He
concludes by sending both teams off to nominate two women into the Inferno.
Mike: "It's not bad enough that we just lost a mission. Now we gotta vote
two people as well. I mean, this sucks."
Time lapses from day to night. RR
meeting. Veronica immediately volunteers herself. She interviews that she has
to go eventually, so she might as well get it over with. Holly tells her that
no RW girl can beat her. Holly then asks Katie if she's okay with going each
time. Katie doesn't want to get nominated for the next time. Veronica:
"But do you not think that you're the weakest girl?" It's the
superior tone that ticks me off. Katie just stares back. "Yes, Katie is
the weakest girl on our team," Holly interviews. "Do we hope that
they pick Katie over Veronica? Yeah, we do." Looks like Aunt Holly wants
Katie gone as well.
RW meeting. Leah volunteers,
interviewing that she wasn't able to compete because of the anxiety attack.
"I need to step up and go," she adds. "It's my turn." Leah
and CT figure that she'll go with Julie. I can approximate Julie's expression
as this: "Whuh?" Coral points out that Julie is the only person who
hasn't been nominated yet. Julie is wearing a t-shirt that says "Devon
Sawa For Pres." I feel sorry for Devon Sawa. She says that she's looking
at the big picture. "If I go this week," she goes on, "there's a
chance I'll go next week as well." Coral just stares at her. "Look around,
bitch!" she interviews. "There's only three of us!" Coral is
like Dave Chappelle, in the sense that they can say "bitch" all the
time, and it never gets old. She asks Julie if it's fair to nominate herself.
Julie: "I feel Coral's strong point is her manipulation. She manipulates
situations to her advantage all the time." David points out that she
hasn't been nominated. Syrus wants her in the Inferno now. CT thinks she needs
to prove herself. Coral is quite the evil mastermind, to woo all those people.
CT interviews that Coral has outperformed Julie. That's news to me. "Julie
really needs to step up," he adds, "and show us what she's
worth." Julie smiles and agrees to go.
Dave announces the nominees: Julie
and Leah from RW, Veronica and Katie from RR. Blah blah blah, pick one player
from the other team.
RR meeting. Katie feels that Julie
would be the stronger competitor than Leah. Veronica feels more confident going
up against Leah. The team debates, before Dave drops by to ask them to pick a
plate. Veronica gives Katie the call, and she picks Julie. All right, Katie!
RW meeting. Julie wants to be
honest, thinking that after the first mission, she doesn't know if she can take
Veronica out. She adds that Katie has been stepping up a little in the missions.
What kind of measurements is Julie taking? David turns his head in disbelief.
CT interviews that the team made an agreement to keep Katie in the game, since
she hurts her team so much. Seeing how RR has won eight of eleven missions, I'd
say they're getting by. Mike looks totally disgusted. "You can't beat
[bleeping] Veronica?" he sputters to Julie. "Give me a break!"
David bows his head. Julie interviews that RW is telling her Katie staying is
more important to them. She tells the team that she would lose to Veronica.
Just typing that makes me all giddy inside. Dave pops in, as Julie gets more
agitated. Coral hisses for her to pick a plate. Julie gripes about not feeling
like part of the team. Coral repeats her demand. Julie: "Coral's doing
anything she can do to push my buttons, and try and get me to break." She
chooses Veronica.
Now Julie is sniping about being
bullied, still believing that Veronica would beat her. Julie tells Coral to
shut her mouth. Now Coral is angry. They commence to curse each other out, each
bleep a three-point piece of heaven for anybody playing the Fantasy Challenge.
Coral tells Julie to back off. David's caught in the middle, chuckling his head
off. Coral walks away, still yelling. A few of the RR girls look on, and Julie
flashes a smile.
Back from commercials, Julie is
still whining about Coral. "When I hear her voice," she snarls,
"it makes me want to go home." I'm surprised the team didn't pull out
money to pay for her trip. She declares that she'll do her best, and she wants
the team to be together. "Yeah, I was kind of forceful," Julie
interviews, "but after all the crap she said to me, all the crap I
swallowed for two weeks, for me to say one thing and have her freak out like
that is like, 'What is wrong with you?'" Yeah . . . aim high, Julie.
The plates get put up. Katie
interviews that Veronica is Inferno-bound unless she gets the Aztec Lifesaver.
Suddenly, wrestling matches spark up on the lawn, as Abram grapples with CT,
and Darrell goes up against David. Coral declares that RW will be normal once
Veronica defeats Julie. More wrestling. Now Coral is on bended knee, begging
Veronica to take Julie out. Okay, now that's going a little too far. Veronica
interviews about a backup plan where Katie would go in her place.
Mike holds back Coral, explaining
how her begging Veronica would give RR an edge. "Coral is thinking
irrationally right now," he interviews. "It's just a tough situation
to be in. Hopefully, it'll be okay. I doubt it." Coral: "Tell her
that she gets that for free. The next one, she going to have to pay out for.”
Mike asks if she'll take a check or Visa card. She replies, "I don't take
credit cards."
In the bedroom, Julie tells David
that she finally gave Coral a reason to hate her. David brings up the guys grappling
outside. Julie thinks that the men are sensible, and that she would want to
wrestle Coral. Grinning in excitement over impending drama, David asks if he
can promote it. Julie agrees, as she wants to wrestle and get things over with,
followed by team unity, and the defeat of Veronica.
Somehow, CT gets to be the lucky guy
to issue the challenge to Coral. Her reaction is the quote you've all been
waiting for. "I don't wrestle," she snipes. "I [bleepin'] beat
bitches up!" Instant classic. She interviews, "There's nothing more
that I'd like than to [bleepin'] knock her teeth completely out of her
[bleepin'] mouth." The payout Julie could get from the Tooth Fairy would
probably exceed what she'd get on this show. Julie is in the hallway, wondering
if she has to call Coral out. Yeah, keep hitting the hungry tiger with a
two-by-four. See where that gets you. Coral repeats to Julie about getting the
first one for free. CT pushes Julie back, while Coral declares that Julie is
out of her mind. Julie makes a run, but CT intercepts her and hustles her off.
More arguing. Julie wants to fight like a man and wrestle. Cut to Syrus looking
on with Darrell, Abram, and Veronica. "I can hear Coral screaming at the
top of her lungs," Abram interviews. "Everybody is shouting, yelling,
and screaming at each other. What a bunch of [bleepin'] schmucks!" As Troy
proved to us on The Apprentice, few things are as funny as a
Midwesterner using Yiddish expressions.
"I have to kick her ass,"
Coral tells Mike. "I will have that bitch in a headlock. She'll be
choking, and I'll be going home." Mike tries to calm her down, telling her
to stay while he deals with Julie. Coral: "Julie challenged me to a duel.
I wear a 32 DD bra. One boob alone could kick her ass." I can imagine a
few viewers wondering why Mike would fight Julie. Speaking of our favorite
part-time wrestler, he asks Julie why she's acting that way. And then Christena
sticks her nose in there, asking Mike why he would discourage her from
wrestling. Honestly, I'm missing Tina right now. Why is Christena even here?
Mike replies that there won’t be wrestling. Back in the bedroom, Coral backs up
Mike. "She'll go home in a gurney," she shouts, "and I'll go
home in handcuffs." Julie tells Mike that the problems won't go away
unless she wrestles Coral. CT and Mike inform her that Coral would throw a
punch. Julie: "Well, then she'll go home." Oh my goodness. That is a
page from the playbook of David Edwards: take somebody whom you don't like
(Puck), and agitate that person to the breaking point (spitting water). Is
Julie a punk for even thinking that? You better believe she is, and Mike and CT
agree that's a load of bull. "What the hell is going on?" Mike
interviews. "The team is falling apart."
Cut to Coral, who's still
contemplating knocking Julie out. Cut to Julie, who thinks the Coral doesn't
want to go home, so she's not fighting dirty. "Julie, have you ever been
in a fight?" CT asks. "Don't start now!" The funny thing is that
Julie has been in two on-camera fights, and she got stomped on both occasions.
Good times. "I knew that Coral wouldn't wrestle me," Julie
interviews. "I don't know if I ever thought it would go down, but if it
ever did go down, I'd be game for it. Whether it was good timing or not, I
don't really care, because it was said and I'm glad." Fade to black.
So... how do I score Round 2? Coral
is somewhat passive-aggressive. Maybe she does manipulate. And it's funny that
she "beats bitches up" when she once chided Trishelle over the same
thing. But this time, I have absolutely no qualms about giving her the victory.
Julie stinks, no question of that. I said at the very beginning that the longer
she stuck around, the worse things would get. I don't agree with the RW pact to
keep Katie in the game. Given that they picked Shane over Abram last time, RW
needs another easy win. But they made a pact, and Julie tried to duck Veronica.
Why? Because Julie doesn't want Veronica to pay her back for nearly killing her
in the first mission. Julie is an annoyance and a coward, and if I get my way,
she'll be off the show next week. At least she can get that dream job at Hot
Topic with fellow faux punk rock girl Frankie. They would totally adore each
other. Once again: if you agree or not, e-mail me.
Next week: Rappelling off a huge
building. I get wicked bad Sarah flashbacks. Coral tells Mike that RR is
throwing the mission so Veronica can win the Aztec Lifesaver, Katie is shocked.
Veronica smirks. Abram tells Katie he wasn't in on the plan. Katie: "You
think [bleep] Coral's a bitch, wait til you [bleep] with me!" Whoa, mamma.
Oh, and we got more Coral/Julie drama. Remember: one of those four women will
be going home soon, so we'll try and treasure their final moments on the show.
I'm not sorry for what I said. It's not a "double down" thing; I just never grew to like Julie again. Okay, she wasn't the worst thing about Gauntlet 2, but that season had Beth. BETH. She achieved a level of suck that would take others years to reach. Also: I didn't emphasize CT trying to talk Julie down with his thick Boston accent. If you ever see this episode. It came out: "Julie, have you ever been
in a fight? Don't staht now!"
Next episode: All hell breaks loose. I'll end with a "motivational poster" I made in 2007, inspired by this episode.
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