The Inferno Episode 12: Born to Lose

Hi. Happy Holidays to those reading this . . . if that bends you out of shape, try to realize that includes Christmas. Tomorrow, I turn 42. Once again: I am probably outside the preferred demographic of The Challenge, and I would welcome any programs to pry me away from it. Reposting my old RNO recaps isn't merely out of ego. I want to make an impression that lasts, even if that involves accounts from a reality show that probably should have ended in the late 2000s. I did not suffer greatly in watching the show and writing about it, but I want something to stand out, because I'm not sure what else I can do that would that could be considered a legacy. Sad, right?

This episode. Oh Lord, this episode. This might be the worst episode in the history of The Challenge. I reckon it's the worst one I recapped. I mean, you'd think I would be overjoyed that the biggest pain in the ass got booted, but Julie's elimination was overshadowed by so much bullshit. I was livid by the end of this episode. I wound up hating Timmy. That's Timmy Beggay, a man who is cornier than a Nebraskan's stool. I mean, that particular feeling wouldn't last, but I was that mad. Also, I more or less joined Team Katie. I know her feud with the Road Rules team wasn't an "either/or" thing, but those people sucked. Including Veronica and Abram. Especially Abram. I make so many jokes about how he's probably murdered and buried drifters all over Montana, but then there's what he pulls off here, and I just get mad over again.

Oh, and we get perhaps the dumbest endgame (my word for elimination games; it's punchier for me) ever created. I know that the next two Infernos were probably results of the producers mailing it in, but . . .  just read it. I mean, I wanted Julie to leave so badly (I admit, not as much as Coral), but I didn't want it to play out in that way. Two seasons later, she would fall to Tonya. That was a lot more "just" for me, because both players had to more or less fight for it. "Warrior's death" is hyperbole, but it seemed so much better than having the climax come down to a friggin' jump rope. Okay, I'm shutting up. I'll come back after the recap.

Airdate: April 12, 2004
Recap Published: April 16, 2004 (damn, I must have wanted to get the rage out so badly, I did not take my time with it)

You’ve seen Emily shoot her own team in the foot. You’ve witnessed the horror of Puck in his camera-grubbing glory. You bore witness to Sarah getting screwed over time and time again. But brother, this episode has them all beat.

It had been a good day. First, I watched the Mets smack the Braves around in their home opener. Then I saw Barry Bonds hit his 660th home run, tying him with his godfather, the legendary Willie Mays. And this episode was going to be the capper, the one where Julie would get booted off. I had accidentally spoiled myself, so I was able to put the pieces together: Road Rules would throw the mission, Katie would get shoved into the Inferno, and she would beat Julie. I even had a title ready: “Na Na, Na Na Na Na...” But I wasn’t prepared for what was to happen. This is the episode that might make me swear off a fourth season of recapping. I’m barely kidding about this.

Previously on The Inferno: Real World lost Twist and Shout in double overtime. David: “We’re on a five-game skid. If we lose six in a row, I think we will be buried mentally.” Julie got nominated for the Inferno, and picked a fight with Coral. Julie then challenged Coral to a wrestling match. Yeah, compared to tonight, those were good times. RW selected Veronica to go into the Inferno, but her team had a backup plan.

Villa. Night. Julie tells David that she doesn’t like what she did, and how she shouldn’t have attacked Coral. Ya think? Julie interviews, “I just feel like there’s not one single soul in that house that understands me or even gives a crap about me.” Gee, and after you made such a fool of yourself? That’s hard to believe. David tells her that everybody explodes at one time or another. “The way Julie is feeling now, she is broken,” he interviews. “If you’re going into the Inferno with that attitude, you’re all done.” He tells Julie that she’s bound to snap in a high-stress situation. Julie: “I’ve done some things in Acapulco that weren’t exactly the person I want to be. Having anger in my heart, like hating people... what? That’s not who I want to be.” This is where the producers start playing their violins, trying to get me to feel bad for poor put-upon Julie. No sale over here, fellas. David advises Julie to hate the game, not the player.

Night lapses into day. Dave welcomes the players to Balcony Swing. The object: rappel down a 22-story building and collect flags from the balconies. Syrus explains that for every dropped or missed flag, a one-minute penalty is invoked. Dave tells Leah that due to her freak-out two missions ago, she’s not off the disabled list just yet, and sidelines her for the second straight mission. Once again, he tells RW they won’t be penalized. Having one less player in an averaged event is far from a penalty, especially when the sidelined player is as mediocre as Leah. The team with the fastest average time wins $10,000. Top players from each team receive the Aztec Lifesaver, which can bail out an Inferno nominee.

Veronica gathers the bulk of her team around so RW doesn’t hear. She plans on losing a girl: either herself, Kendal or Katie. Yes, the following skullduggery is going down to shove Kendal into the line of fire. Yeah, right. Meanwhile, a seemingly unsuspecting Katie is chatting with Leah. Holly interviews that the team wants to send Katie to the Inferno. Abram starts planning on missing every flag and having a good time. We’ll see what Abram’s definition of a “good time” is in a little while. He interviews that the team will make sure Veronica wins the Lifesaver so she can make Katie take her place. Veronica: “I play this game. The game used to play me, now I know how to play the game, and people understand that.” Brief shot of her chatting with Coral. “When I give them my point of view, they agree with it.” You know when she’s being a total bitch about it? When I start wishing for Emily to arrive. How big a game would Veronica be talking if Emily were around? Coral tells Mike about the fix. The RW plan boils down to beating Veronica’s time.

Veronica gets prepped to go down. She interviews that she has to get a good time and not mess up. The editors pipe in Brand New’s “Sic Transit Gloria.” I usually see that video on Fuse, not MTV. Weird. Katie interviews that nobody is talking to her or looking at her. Mike whispers something in Syrus’s ear, causing him to laugh. It could be an obscene Trishelle joke for all we know. Veronica rappels, grabbing the flags. Her teammates look up while Katie smokes. Veronica lands with a time of 3:45.47. Abram points out that the team has to finish past her time.

Montage! Mike drops, as do CT, Darrell, and Timmy. Music: Korn, “Right Now.” I hate the video for that song. Mike and CT grab flags in their separate drops. Darrell: “I’m flying down the rope, taking my time, undoing the flag. I’m just setting down at a moderate speed, taking my time. We’re supposed to throw the mission.” Timmy: “The only thing scarier that the Infuerno is Veronica at the bottom.” I expect this crap from Darrell, but Timmy? I am so disappointed in him. More dropping. Mike: 2:56.60. Darrell: 4:06.53. Timmy: 4:08.28. CT: 2:56.46.

More montage! Christena, Holly, Kendal. Holly: “Throwing a mission is not in my normal competitive nature, but I’m also a team player.” And just like that, I lose any respect I had for her. She makes me sick to my stomach. Christena: “I want Veronica to win the Lifesaver, and I would like her to airmail it to Katie.” Coral does some ground commentary as Holly “struggles.” Katie interviews that she’s noticed the best players having troubles. Christena: 5:26.46. Holly: 6:51.07 (flag penalty). Kendal drops, missing a flag. “Damn me,” she interviews. “I understand the best thing for us to do would be to throw the mission.” She lands with 5:47.20 and gets a hug from Holly. “I feel extremely bad,” she adds. As well she should.

Montage! Syrus, Coral, David. Music: N.E.R.D., “She Wants To Move.” Syrus drops, hating it. Coral drops. “I want the Lifesaver so bad,” she interviews, “so I can not give it to Julie.” She’s a bitch, but she’s seldom dishonest. David drops a flag. Syrus and Coral drop. David loses another flag, and he missed two altogether. Coral: 3:13.43. Syrus: 4:43.02. David floats down, saying that he lost his bearings. Coral tells him that he skipped two and dropped two. His time: 12:12.63. “They try to lose the mission,” David quips, “and I win it for them.” CT appears from behind, smacking his in the back. “Are you kidding me?” Coral interviews. “This is happening to us again? That’s a lot of damn time. So, there we go. One more losing mission for us.”

Katie gets prepped. She interviews that she’s concentrating on being competitive and not on her fear. She starts down, but gets caught. On the ground, Timmy lies on his back, contemplating taking a nap. Katie swings down, dropping a flag. Her time: 9:16.86. Her time is easily the worst on her team, and the others are blowing the mission. Yes, you can see the need to dump her, but the execution is shady. Katie is disappointed that she didn’t beat Veronica’s time and she hopes somebody else will. Veronica flashes an evil smile. What smile of hers isn’t evil?

That somebody else is Abram. He interviews that he’s going to have fun with it. He starts down, whooping it up. Coral yells that it’s not funny. Abram keeps whooping, making a total ass of himself. By the way, if you live in his hometown of Bozeman, then you have my deepest sympathies. Mike and Kendal laugh. Abram takes his sweet time to go down. The music gets tense as Katie looks up. Abram yells that they’ll never take him alive, howling and laughing. Veronica smiles evilly again. Katie looks up. Mike and Kendal laugh some more.

The music changes. I’m unable to not feel sorry for Katie, as we get a tight close-up of her face. She is ready to cry. Veronica is still grinning evilly. What a bitch. “I’m so embarrassed,” Katie squawks out, her fingers trembling. “So intentional... so blatantly intentional. I’m shocked.”

Back from commercials, Abram is still whooping it up. “I’m ten feet away and that sucks,” Katie interviews, as we see Leah pat her back. “It’s like a slap in the face.” Abram grabs a flag and drops it. He comes down with a time of 5:07.09, blathering about how “disappointed” he is for himself. I’m sorry I ever defended him against Donell. Veronica smiles evilly. Katie: “I just don’t understand when people don’t have guilt anymore, or something.” Leah interviews that Katie’s feelings are hurt, since RR made a mockery of the mission.

Julie gets prepped. “I have zero love for my team right now,” she interviews. “Last night, they were all screaming at me. So today, for me to try and do really well is like, I got to dig deep for that.” Maybe they were screaming at you because you were screaming at Coral. Did you ever consider that? She drops down. On the ground, Coral rolls her eyes. Julie gets the flags, finishing at 3:34.85. She figures that wasn’t good enough for the Lifesaver, but she’s looking forward to the Inferno.

Dave announces the results. RW averaged 4:26 and RR got 5:02. RW celebrates, and Mike interviews that they didn’t care how they broke their losing streak. “Oh, wow,” Abram interviews sarcastically. “You earned that one!” I fight the urge to put my fist through the television screen in the hopes of somehow hurting him. Dave hands out the Aztec Lifesavers to CT and Veronica. As she gets her prize, Timmy stands behind her, grimacing. Like I’m supposed to feel for him now? “I could smell a lot of fishy stuff going on,” Dave quips, “but hey, you won it fair and square.” Let’s add Dave to the “needs to be throttled” list. Katie interviews that the mission was a slap in the face. “It’s not like whatever they did was to win or whatever,” she adds. “They did it with a cruel intention.” Veronica: “Katie is going home.”

Day lapses to night. At the Villa, Katie reams out Abram for the team spending $10,000 to get rid of her. Abram totally and completely lies to her, saying he wasn’t a part of it. Katie: “Okay, well then why are you wearing a red bandana when your teammate’s going in the thing?” Also, he’s wearing a Miz shirt. Abram, you have two options: either lie to her and wear something blue, or tell the truth and wear red. Katie voiceovers that Abram made a mockery of the mission. While they’re talking, Timmy and Veronica walk by them. I guess Katie isn’t a total psycho, since her teammates are not bleeding. She snipes, “My team has the dirtiest players ever.” She yells at Abram, calling him an idiot.

Upstairs, Julie is on her knees, sobbing on the bed. Wouldn’t you know it: I can’t hear her, and the editors don’t bother captioning it. So I go to my television’s close-captioning. “I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I’m sorry for all the hate in my heart for Coral. [Inaudible] and for the girls that have not been nice to me. Please allow me to be strong.” With Julie, it is hard to tell when she’s being honest, and when she’s playing to the camera. Given her behavior in past Challenges, you can’t blame me. If it’s any consolation for her, she does come off as less fake than Matt talking to God inTelluride.

Now Julie is talking to Leah, about how she’s sad because she hasn’t been the person that she wanted to be. Julie has been angry at anybody who has been angry with her, and the only thing she has left is faith. Leah interviews that she’s not sure how Julie will do in the Inferno. She does remind Julie that Katie was her original choice. So it looks like RR’s evil ways might give Julie the break she needs. Man, I love irony.

Inferno site. Dave welcomes everybody to tonight’s event: Scratchathon. Both players will walk on treadmills for three hours. The object: outlast the opponent. The catch: the players are covered in itching powder and have to wear tracksuits. Veronica smiles in her evil way. In the event of a tie, the players will engage in a sudden death round of jumping rope. You heard me: jumping rope. Who thinks up this crap? I want a name, and I want it now.

Dave asks CT if he wants to save Julie. This time, he takes a pass. Dave tells Veronica that she has to save herself, and asks who she wants to put in her place. Veronica announces that the team decided to send Katie in. Dun dun duuuuuun! Katie: “They all lost on purpose to let Veronica get the Aztec, because she’s too much of a chicken-[bleep] to even go in there herself.” You know, I was ready to pull for Veronica in a battle against Julie, given the near-fatal first mission. But now I have to agree with Katie’s analysis.

Preparations. CT applies the powder to Katie. She notices that Veronica is barely putting any of the stuff on Julie. Dave bangs the gong, and both ladies start walking on the treadmill. Julie strikes a pose for the camera, while Katie just walks. She interviews that she’s apprehensive going up against something as physically and mentally strong as Julie. She starts scratching herself. Holly looks ready to nod off. “I’m not friends with Katie,” Veronica snipes, “and I’m not willing to be a hypocrite. I’m not willing to sit there and cheer her on when I don’t want her on my team.”

Suddenly, two voices ring out from nowhere, cheering Katie on. Are they from her own team? Nope. We cut from the action to Coral and Leah, who are hollering nearby. Last year, I didn’t see any “in your face” gestures from Melissa as she helped Julie get kicked out. I’m convinced if that had happened, it would have made the final cut. I’m just saying there’s rooting against Julie, and then there’s rooting against Julie and coming off as a total bitch. “I hope Julie falls the [bleep] off that treadmill real soon,” Coral interviews. “If Julie loses this, she better just put a bag on her head for the rest of her life, because she’ll never show her face again.” Julie keeps walking on the treadmill. “I think it’s funny that people hold onto stuff for so long,” she tells us. “It’s kinda sad, it’s like living in your own personal hell, when you just can’t let go.”

Now it’s time for Uncle Mike to storm away from the scene and try to convince Aunt Coral to lay off the Haterade. He tells Coral that they’re supposed to be a team. Coral brings up the wrestling challenge. Mike tells Coral that she’s being like the RR team. Actually, they’re not rooting for Julie, so Coral is actually being worse than them. Wait, did I just defend Julie? Wow... I hate this damn episode so much. “I just hate her guts, man,” Coral interviews. “She challenged me to a fight. How can I really root for her in the Inferno? She challenged me to a fight. Can you really blame me? Come on!”

Montage. More walking. Music: “You got to go home!” Veronica smiles evilly. Julie poses. Coral whispers, “Go, Katie!” and gives the thumbs up. Both players smile. Katie scratches herself. Veronica chuckles evilly.

Two hours remain. Julie wants Dave to crank up the speed. Katie cusses her out, telling her to turn it up herself. She also doesn’t want to jog. Julie tells Katie that she’s just delaying the inevitable. Katie is now officially pissed off. “Wait til I get off this!” she shouts. “You think [bleepin’] Coral’s a bitch, wait til you [bleep] with me!” And just like that, Katie won me over. Julie smirks, while Coral’s mouth is wide open in shock. “Now I’m fired up!” Katie says. “I’m ready to go, so let’s do this [bleep]!” Coral makes the devil’s horn sign, clearly in awe of Katie.

After commercials, the players have three minutes left. Both are walking at a snail’s pace. This is such a lame mission. Julie tells herself not to get angry. Katie cops to needing the anger. Neither player is out of breath. Dave gives them the two-minute warning. Veronica reminds us of the obvious irony of neither team supporting their players. Coral interviews that she wants Julie gone.

Dave announces the end of the mission, and he brings out the jump ropes. Syrus says that both players must jump on two feet. Julie interviews that she jumped rope for hours before. She adds, “I can jump rope circles around Katie!” Both girls practice, as Katie hops on one foot rather than jumps. “They have to jump rope for 15 minutes without screwing up,” Abram interviews, “and I’m like [folding hands, crossing fingers] I didn’t lose $10,000 for nothing, please.”

Both players start jumping even before Dave bangs the gong. Immediately, the music builds to a crescendo. Jumping. Jumping And then... the rope hits Julie’s legs. Abram and Christena look stunned. Mike looks like he got jabbed in the butt. Game over.

Now, this is the part of the recap where I would celebrate. It’s where I would cabbage-patch and shout “Help her pack!” to nobody in particular. But between RR’s meanness and Coral’s over-the-top disgust, I am completely exhausted. I can’t muster so much energy to cheer Julie going out. And seriously... jump rope? She lost because of a jump rope? It’s like the Joker going fifteen rounds with Batman, then slipping on the sidewalk and breaking his neck. It’s underwhelming and lame. I guess that nothing will ever top Melissa getting herchance to boot Julie.

Back to the action: Katie wastes no time in cheering, singing and cursing out her teammates. And who can blame her? Coral cackles her brains out as Mike tries to shut her up. Veronica laughs evilly, the enormity of what just happened unable to sink in. Abram shakes his head, clearly bummed out. Good. Mike hugs Julie, reassuring her that it’s not her fault. Who would have thought the Miz could be so caring? Coral points, still under the influence of the Haterade. Veronica keeps laughing. Katie: “Ha ha, in your face, look what I did. I’m still here and you lost $10,000, you dumb [bleeps].”

Denouement. Dave congratulates Katie, and then returns her to her team. How about she gets $10,000 and a first-class ticket home? Then everybody wins. Katie interviews that this was the first Inferno where nobody cheered. “But I didn’t care,” she continues, “because inside, I was cheering for myself.” Dave tells Julie that she has to pack up and leave. She interviews that she wanted to go home anyway. “I want to get back to being the person I want to be,” she continues. “I don’t want to deal with this garbage that goes on in these houses and the drama and all that.”

Pier of Shame. Julie gets escorted to the short boat by the male RW members. “I don’t think anyone understands how important Julie would have been to our team,” Syrus interviews, as we see him hug Julie. “And the fact that she’s gone now, we’re definitely gonna miss her.” Honestly, I can never hate the big guy for being Julie’s friend. Julie: “These Challenges always make me grow, and I realize what’s supposed to happen with my life happens, and everything’s in perspective. Real World, I forgive you, and I have love in my heart for you!” You know, maybe she’s right. Maybe she can turn a corner. Maybe there will come a day when Julie will become respectable, where she can bury her differences with Coral and Melissa, and where I can like her like I did before Extreme Challenge. Then I realize this is Julie we’re talking about, and I’d put money on her popping up in the next William Hung video, or starring in the third season of The Surreal Life. I can’t fire with both barrels at her now thanks to Road Rules. Damn them for exhausting my ammo.

Speaking of RR, tense music plays as Holly, Christena, and Veronica make their beds. Christena: “Tonight could have been huge.” Veronica: “It’s all right, you guys. Don’t let it bring you down. You know what? We carry this team anyways, and she doesn’t.” To recap: Katie absorbed heaping amounts of abuse, and managed to knock off the top female player on the RW side. Even if it did come down to a freakin’ jump rope, Katie should get some credit. Veronica interviews: “Our plan didn’t go as well as we would have hoped, but as long as I’m here and as long as I’m playing the game, I don’t want her on my team.” Fade to black.

I never thought I would miss the RR team from The Gauntlet. Looking back, I should never have taken people like Theo or Roni for granted. For every person who wanted Sarah to suffer, there was a player who tried to play the game fair. I think Katie is the worst player to ever compete in a Challenge. Her need to be constantly coddled by her teammates is annoying. But thanks to the actions of her teammates, I am now on her side. I hate Timmy for revealing that he’s nothing more than comic relief with little substance. I hate Holly for shirking her leadership role, hiding behind her teammates in order not to dirty her hands. I hate Darrell for going down the same road as he did last season with Sarah. I hate Kendal for cooperating with the conspiracy. I hate Christena for not feeling the need to treat Katie as a human being and for being such a flaming crap-stirrer. Seriously, she is now ranked below the likes of Tina in my book. I hate Abram because... do I need to explain? I hope somebody carves a big “L” in his hair the next time he goes for another Mohawk.

As for Veronica? Put it this way: not enough houses could fall on her to satisfy me. I hope Ayanna screams in her ears for a few hours. I hope Amaya clotheslines her hard. I hope Katie and Sarah play Human Pinata with her. You get the idea. There’s playing the game, and then there’s being a complete bitch about it. Veronica crossed that line. Shut up and find another way to make easy money, you untalented loser. Even if RR sweeps the remaining missions and Infernos and goes on to win the $150,000, they’ll still be losers to me.

Next week: Something with platforms and dunking the opposition. The good news? Leah is back in the game. The bad news? She’s messing up, enough for CT to want her gone. And he actually tells her this. What? Is he Lex all of a sudden? Is there anybody I’ll like by the time the season is over?

If I was allowed to openly curse, I probably would have done that. And nobody would blame me.

Shit, I was mad at damn near everybody, even Coral. Basically, I was pissed that Road Rules had to "do" Katie like that, and Abram's "performance" really set me off. I know that his reputation at the time was as the loosest of cannons; a probably racist who got kicked off Road Rules: South Pacific for beating up Donell, even if that lardass deserved it. But the stunt he pulled to help send Katie to the Inferno made me mad. I get trying to cut out the weakest team member, but that was humiliating to Katie. In retrospect, I'm surprised that when Katie melted down and almost came to blows against Veronica, she didn't try to murder Abram. Or maybe she held off on that because she wanted to live. Remember: Abram has murdered drifters in Montana. Okay, probably not, but if that turned  out to be true, would any longtime fan be that shocked?

Seriously . . . treadmills, itching powder, jump rope. Months later, the Challenge Gods (if they truly exist) looked upon me and exclaimed, "You think this is the maddest you'll ever get about a jump rope? Behold the God Of Jump Ropes: ERIC NIES!!!" But that's another season. I have five more episodes, two lame Infernos and a Reunion left to write about. 

PS: I got two videos for you to go with the music from this episode: "Sic Transit Gloria" by Brand New, and "Right Now" by Korn, which should still be disturbing for most people.