He Says/She Says: Battle For The Battle Of The Sexes 2

I'm almost at the starting line. Please notice that I was full of hope going into the season. Well, maybe just not filled with dread. I was so foolish. So foolish.

Episode Aired: October 4, 2004

Recap Posted: October 11, 2004 (I was back to taking my time, which probably thrilled the site's boss to no end)

With a new Real World/Road Rules Challenge on the horizon, players past and present reflect on the original Battle of the Sexes and take a look at the upcoming season.

We start with scenes from the original Battle of the Sexes (BOTS1). The guys shout “Hoo-RAH!” The girls shout “VAGINAGINAGINAGINA!” More misty-colored memories of the way they were. Ellen gives Melissa lip, which is an action I wouldn’t recommend. Ruthie says, “I wouldn’t have imagined people getting ugly in character for $50,000.” Cut to Veronica. That was funny. Cut to the final mission. The guys struggle with the puzzle, while the gals struggle. [2018: I probably didn't mean to say "struggle" twice.] Mark voiceovers about taking a look at the girls’ puzzle. The guys dissembled the girl’s solution, solve their own puzzle, and end up winning. Ellen comments, “The boys totally cheated to win.”

Present day. Both teams arrive. We see various competition scenes. Mark says, “This war is not over!” Mark is wearing Mike’s latest “Miz” tee shirt. I think this might be the year I start hating Mark. Then there’s more competition followed by nightclub fun. Some guy is covered in leeches. Cardboard cutouts of Mark and Mike are blown up. Cameran says to the camera, “We’re gonna kick your ass, bitches!” There is a Wild West showdown with paintball guns. The title card reads, “Rematch of the Century.” That’s taking it a bit far.

After the title sequence, we go to Dan Renzi, two-time Challenger and star of BOTS1. His take on all of this is that, “Guys didn’t want to look bad, so they agreed to never argue on camera. Girls never made that agreement, so they look crazy!” Cut to the "Battle of the Opposite Sexes/Club Zero" debacle. It’s been two years, and I still get fatigued thinking about it. Short story - girls bicker amongst themselves.

Cut to Eric who is leading the team in a “Hoo-RAH!” chant. Hey, there’s Puck. Avert your eyes… it’s the only way to get by him. Dan adds that everybody wanted to play fair, but that changed when money got involved. Dan is joined by Ellen, one of BOTS1's heaviest hitters, who concurs with him. Cut to Jonny Moseley, who explains the Inner Circle - the top three scorers decide who goes home. Colin leads a discussion, concluding that they have to vote out the lowest scorer, “so there’s not any negative emotion in it.” Cut to Melissa who says, “I personally want to vote Julie off.” Yeah, I haven’t changed my mind about that decision, especially after Julie’s actions in The Inferno. Now we meet Ruthie, who has a huge sun tattoo on her upper arm. It really doesn’t flatter her. She says that it was “very black and white” to vote out the lowest scorer, and the girls didn’t do that. Next, there’s Mark (sitting next to Robin). He says that the scoreboard was up for everybody to see, and it was only fair to vote off the lowest score.

Ellen tells us that the two girls who pitted people against each other were Veronica and Emily. We flash back to Emily lowering the boom on Veronica, announcing her exit from the game. Emily tells the guys not to judge, then, since they’re not men. Ellen says that the reason for Emily’s hatred was that James (her boyfriend at the time) helped Veronica move, and they apparently hooked up. Back then, I despised Emily, but now, I’m wishing she’d come back to fix Veronica’s wagon. Funny world, huh? Now we meet Tonya, who is sitting next to Theo. Tonya claims that girls are emotional, and they voted on who was liked and disliked.

We flash back to the Inner Circle where Rachel got voted off. Ellen says, “I personally don’t trust her,” while Emily adds, “Those are the kind of girls that made my high school life completely wretched.” Once again, there’s a difference in opinion for me. Back then, I thought that was a load. Today, after seeing Rachel work over Sarah in The Gauntlet, I can see where Emily is coming from. But watching Ellen make the announcement still pains me. Mark says that the girls showed everybody that anybody was vulnerable and says, “They were playing scared and playing for themselves rather than as a team.” Ellen adds that she took the heat since she made the announcement. “I was like, ‘It’s nothing personal,’ but it really was,” she adds. “I really couldn’t think of anything else to say at the time.”

Cut to the girls looking stunned, and Puck and Shane getting ticked off. Ellen claims that she didn’t know the vote would get everybody so upset. “Rachel, it was entirely personal,” Dan snarks. “No one liked you!” Cut to Rachel giving her “this game is ug-lay!” rant. Good times. Fast forward to the final mission. Dan and Ellen agree that the guys cheated. We flashback to Colin disassembling the girls’ puzzle and relaying the information to Mark and Jamie. Mike (credited as “RW/RR Challenge Expert”) faults the girls for being dumb enough to leave their puzzle out. Ellen playfully bitches some more. Ruthie tells Shane that her team would have won had they knocked their puzzle down. Ellen says, “Boys cheat. Yeah, that’s you, Mark Long.”

As Mark begins his rebuttal, Robin is credited as “Wasn’t There, But Watched It on TV.” He says that wasn’t cheating, and that he told a producer that his team would knock their puzzle over if they completed it first, and the producer had liked the idea. Robin gives him grief that his team couldn’t figure things out on their own. “And we won by an hour!” Mark replies. “I already did my exit interview before the girls passed the finish line.” Katie (another “Expert” who wasn’t at BOTS1) tells Mike that she would have copied the puzzle and laughed about it afterwards. Robin feels that the girls have something to prove.

Cut to the present day, as two buses arrive in Santa Fe. Jonny Moseley welcomes them to Battle of the Sexes 2. Mark says that BOTS1 was easy, since scores were being kept. Jonny lays down exposition. After the teams find out about the mission, they appoint three of their own as team leaders. Theo picks it up. If the team wins, the leaders can pick off one person. Shane continues explaining that, if the team loses, its members can choose one of the leaders to go home. Amazing... I didn’t think anything could top the Gauntlet concept, but this comes close. It looks like an Apprentice knock-off, but it’s very crafty. Ruthie and Shane agree that there’s more strategy involved this time. Katie says, “Everybody is going to be kissing each other’s ass in order not to piss them off. It’s going to be this big fake house with nothing but brutal back stabbing.” Or as Veronica might call it, “Paradise.”

Going to commercials, we see three girls swing on a hammock which breaks and sends them tumbling. Then we see the guys pile into a golf cart and run Derrick over. Next comes a commercial with somebody that sounds like Tina: “I don’t want their nasty duke in where I’m gonna lay down! Oh, that’s it. I’m gonna urinate in your mouths when you’re sleeping!” In case you’re wondering what “duke” means, they cut to a toilet. Very nice.

More BOTS2 highlights: Mark breaks a stick across Eric’s leg. Players grab snakes. One guy attempts a bicycle stunt. The girls paddle. Theo bites into something nasty. Tonya says it’s a crazy Challenge. Theo: “It’s like all the kids have been eating crazy wafers.” While we absorb Theo’s witticism, we see brief clips of the players: Ace, Aneesa, Adam, Arissa, Brad, Cameran, Eric, Cynthia, Frank. Theo: “I’m serious, dude. It’s like everybody woke up one morning and put on crazy shorts.” Coral, Jacquese, Genesis, Mike, Robin, Randy, Ruthie, Steven, Tonya. “And just opened up the crazy door.” Angela, Abram, Ayanna, Chris, Ibis, Dan Setzler, Katie, Derrick, Kina. “And walk out of the crazy room.” Mark, Rachel, Nick, Sophia, Shane, Tina, Shawn, Veronica, Theo. Don’t ask me why they were presented in that order. Maybe that’s a method that suggests spoilers.

Ruthie looks forward to seeing the new kids. Mike thinks that veterans like himself would intimate the newbies, and that they might form an alliance to boot him out. Katie starts planning on bringing the novices to her side. Cut to the kids from RW: San Diego: Randy lifts weights. Cameran spurts out a “Whassup, bitch?” Brad stuffs his face. Robin tells Ruthie that something blows. Jacquese walks. Yeah, that’s not a good sign if you’re a Jacquese fan. Dan wonders if Brad has sobered up. Cut to Brad cussing out the camera. Dan moves on to Robin. She complains about a teammate to Mark. Ellen says it’s not just a matter of being athletic, because a lot of girls are not. Naturally, we cut to Katie. Nice. Katie thinks that Robin will be an asset, and she likes her bitchy attitude. Robin tells us she watched the other Challengers on their respective shows, and it freaks her out to be working with them.

In a clip, Cameran introduces herself to Coral. Cut to Cameran telling Robin that Coral doesn’t seem friendly. If you listen carefully, you can hear viewers roll their eyes in unison. “These people have been doing this stuff forever,” Robin tells Cameran, “and they just look at everybody as competition.” Shane thinks than Cameran will be trouble, and she might go home. Cut to Cameran slapping Mike in the nuts, just like she did with Brad back in San Diego. Dan figures she’ll make it halfway before getting the boot.

Brief spotlight on Brad and Randy during a mission. Shane thinks they’ve be competitive, but they could take money that he wants. He adds that they’re more physical than the cast from RW: Paris. On cue, we see Ace dancing and Adam pulling his pants down. Ruthie and Shane agree that Ace just wants a good time. Thankfully, we don’t see his short trip to the Inferno.

Tonya can’t read into the kids from RR: X-Treme. Join the club, honey. Kina calls Derrick a drunk. Theo: “It’s like they’ve been sharing DNA or something. Like they’ve been drinking each other’s bath water.” As we reel from Theo’s latest offering, we see Derrick. What is Derrick doing? Well, he’s walking around with a cigarette in one hand, a bottle in the other, and he’s following a frog around. No, really. Something tells me Chris will have to have another heart-to-heart with the boy. Shane thinks Derrick is amazing, but Tonya sees the new RR as easy to pick off.

Shane talks about the “old dogs,” Mark and Eric. Cut to Eric griping about the youngsters losing bodily functions while drinking. Good thing he never got the “Julie Experience.” “Mark and Eric are doing it again?” Dan laughs. “Get jobs!”

Katie thinks that some guys might not be as tough as they think, going so far as giving Mike a quick tap. She then tells Mike that she could beat him up. Okay, he is “The Miz” and all, but if she gets pissed off enough? I can totally see that happening. We cut to Mike and Coral at a bus depot, trash-talking each other. Theo figures it’s nice for those two to be on separate teams. At the very least, we can find out who is the better Challenger, since they’ve gone the distance three times already. Robin says she can’t trust Coral. Dan doesn’t think Coral is that scary. Cut to Coral rampaging: “I talk to people how I want! You’re not God here! So you can’t change me!” Ellen, whose conflict with Coral at the 2001 casting special is the stuff of legends, agrees with Dan, but adds that other people don’t want confrontation. Back to Coral: “You worry about your jump rope and yourself and that’s it!” The camera pans to Eric, as he argues with her. Not smart. Seriously, even if Coral is wrong, has there been somebody who has gone up against her in a Challenge and made it to the end?

Ayanna time! “I slept in my uniform last night,” she yells, half-crying, “because I wanted to win tonight!” Dan laughs, as Ellen claims that she loves her. Ayanna: “All I needed was eight of y’all to have! My! Back! All! I needed! Was eight!” Ellen thinks that if Ayanna can control her temper, she can win. Dan: “And maybe, in Alaska this year, it won’t snow!” I miss Dan. Why can’t he host the Challenges? Or get him to do commentary. Have his wear a blazer and interview contestants.

Katie admits that she hasn’t gotten along with some people. Of course, she means Veronica. Cut to Katie fighting her during The Gauntlet and the massive fit from The Inferno. I still get a kick out of Syrus laughing his head off nearby. Shane says that when he sees Katie and Veronica, one of them will go home. Dan wonders why people think Veronica will play fair. Cut to Veronica, top on but blurred down there, yelling for somebody to get away from her. Rachel tells her to get into the shower. I swear, if Abram is waiting in there, that could be it for me. Been there, done that, not going there again.

After commercials (including an ad with Coral’s rant), we go to a women’s conference, where Tina wants her peers to be honest about her going home. Robin expresses her need to stay away from drama so she doesn’t get voted off. Cut to her walking with Ruthie, unwilling to vote somebody off because that person didn’t do anything wrong. Dan says it’s good to add drama to the mix. Ruthie doesn’t like drama, but Shane does. Cut to Ruthie crying, while Coral and Veronica debate off-camera about her voting off a friend. Tonya: “Live entertainment, baby!” Theo: “Are you kidding? Every one of these kids is HDTV in action.”

Club shots. Mix-and-match dancing. Seriously ... Coral and Dan Setzler? What the heck? Shane figures it’s political to hook up to stay around longer. Dan Renzi adds that people hook up, then forget they’re playing a game. As a “veteran hook-upper,” Mike recommends not to do it. We get flashbacks of his times with Trishelle and Kendal. What about Tara from Battle of the Seasons?

Theo says that he looks at eighteen different women and equates that to 36 individual breasts. The funny thing: we cut to a mission, and the camera goes right to Sophia, whom Theo would have a really tough time sweet-talking. Shane notes there’s a lot of hot guys. Then we see what could be the best mission ever. It looks like a variation of Freeze Your Butt Off from BOTS1. The object seems to be to melt a huge chunk of ice. One guy lies on top on his back. Another lies directly on top of the guy. The others pull them back and forth, like a fleshy hacksaw. Oh, and Eric grinds on the ice with his butt. It’s just so out there, and a lot better than watching people sit around and get frostbite. Tonya feels that hook-ups breed possible conflict between women and possible me. Cut to Rachel on top of the ice, driving her behind back and forth. Honestly, I cannot wait to recap that episode.

Now we move onto Tonya. Apparently, she’s going to last a lot longer this season than in her prior tours of duty. Shane calls her a “typical American stereotype” with her blonde hair and great body. Cut to her kissing Ace. Katie thinks Tonya will be a party girl. Mike predicts lots of fun with guys. Cut to her in bed with Mark, followed by her dancing with Theo, then Mark. Shane and Ruthie bring up Arissa, but then remember that she’s married. They move on to Angela, whom they feel needs support. Cut to her on the cell phone, crying her eyes out. Hey, that could have been lifted from any X-Treme episode! Ruthie feels that Angela needs to find her “rock.” The ensuing clip shows us that Frank is destined to fill that role. I’ll go out on a limb and say that he just offers moral support. Shane: “She doesn’t feel good unless someone loves her. She’ll sleep with someone for that.” Angela’s got a messed-up history ... but Shane? Shut up.

Robin and Mark want Shane to hook up. Cut to him dancing it up with Nick. Man, Nick could do better. Shane gushes that he’s waited three years for another gay person. He adds, “I’m tired of these semi-questioning straight men fooling with my head!” Heh. I’m thinking that list would start with Antoine and work its way down. Let’s just say there have been a lot of question marks attached to some people. Theo says that the women flock to Shane because he’s a love. We get of shot of Shane kissing a girl. Mike: “I’m actually thinking of saying I’m gay on a show, just so I can have these hot girls all over me.” Mike? You’ve had three women on three different seasons! Man, that’s just plain greedy. Dan contemplates flipping his orientation, saying he’d go after Tonya, since he’s fascinated by her breasts..

Mark tells us that he’s recently divorced, and now options are open for him. Cut to him power-lifting a girl in the pool Theo feels he has to worry about teammates getting involved with the opposition. Mike tells Katie she should go in knowing she’ll lose. Cut to Tonya eating something nasty as Ayanna encourages her. “I am not going up against the guys,” Katie tells Mike. “I’m going against the [bleeps]!” Cut to Tina arguing with Tonya, threatening to call her out. Katie: “Battle of the [bleeps] is what I’m playing. You’re playin’ a while other game, honey!” Robin knows it’s not about going against the guys until the very end. Cut to Coral playfully shoving Arissa out of the door. Dan feels that the women can be more up front. Cut to Angela tells somebody that she wishes she could be more like that person, and Sophia telling her to open up.

Katie thinks that the girls have a chance. Mark figures the guys can win every mission. Katie hopes the final women’s team will have as much determination as she did going into the Inferno. Theo doesn’t think the process is that complicated. Cut to credits.

And that’s that. The first episode airs this Monday at 10 p.m., and reruns a few dozen times afterwards. I hope that you guys enjoy my recaps as much I enjoy writing them.

I missed Ellen. Really. And I didn't know how much Mark would let me down that season. Or Eric. And his jump rope. That damn jump rope. But you'll find out about that soon enough.