The year was 2004. I had just finished recapping Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet. In retrospect, I should have stopped there. In my future would be two mediocre seasons, coupled with the other recappers at Reality News Online turning on me, leading to my dismissal one year later. I will vent about that, but not now. Needless to say, I have a lot to say.
The Gauntlet had an ending of mixed blessings. The great news for me was that Sarah Greyson had survived five Gauntlets. However, her tormentors (basically Adam Larson, Rachel Robinson and Veronica Portillo) also won the "handsome reward," and they didn't have to face the prospect of going home with nothing. In other news, Coral Smith -- the Great Coral Grief for good and bad -- had seemingly almost died from a spider bite in the final mission, casting a pall on Road Rules' victory. Worse, her enemy-turned-friend ("frenemy" hadn't been coined yet) Mike Mizanin cursed her name once the dust settled, blaming her for Real World's loss, seeing Coral's ailing from exhaustion. Nathan Blackburn had also bitched about Coral . . . but like I said in the finale's postscript, I didn't think anybody gave a shit about him.
There aren't records on when The Challenge is filmed, so I don't know how much time had passed between Gauntlet and Inferno. Like The Real World, MTV had decided to step up production of Bunim-Murray's prime competitive reality program. This time, twenty Bunim-Murray alumni would be sent to Acapulco, Mexico. This would be the final season pitting Real World and Road Rules. The latter would fade away over the next few years.BMP had found a winning formula with the Gauntlet, so they installed the Inferno as an endgame. What could go wrong?
First of all, the processes of nomination was more complicated. I'd like to think BMP had enough of Adam bitching about the women on his team and his efforts to throw them into the Gauntlet every time. In Inferno, the sexes would be alternated. After each mission, each team would nominated two of their own for the Inferno. These picks would get sent to the other side, and each team would select one of the nominees. However, the Inferno would not be held. In the following mission, the best performer on each team would receive the Aztec Lifesaver. If a nominated player won that, that person would not only get out of the Inferno date, that person could choose a replacement. However, if another player won the Lifesaver, that person could take the place of his/her team's nominee. Like I said . . . complicated.
There was one other stumbling block that made Inferno pale to Gauntlet, and I believe it resulted in BMP dropping the endgame format for Battle Of The Sexes 2. To put it simply . . .
The Infernos were the absolute dumbest endgames ever conceived in the history of The Challenge.
Sorry for shouting, but it's true. Instead of having players roll a die to determine the game, the Infernos were set up in advance. And they sucked sooooooooooo hard. If you never watched the season, here's what you have to endure:
Bug Helmet: Players get their faces smeared with syrup and have glass boxes of cockroaches placed on their heads. The best part is that this may have been the quickest endgame ever played.
Chili Counter: Players eat chilies for an hour.
Human Candelabra: Players hold out their arms while holding candles. First person to break loses.
Noise Pollution: Players are put on a platform and endure loud noises through headphones for two hours. Tiebreaker: standing on a small box and trying not to fall.
Don't Toss Your Cookies: Players eat milk and cookies and get spun around for ten minutes. First one to vomit loses.
Scratchathon: Dear God. Okay . . . each player wears a tracksuit and gets coated with itching powder. They walk on a treadmill for three hours. First one to bail loses. Tiebreaker: jumping rope. For real. I mean, the results were awesome, and the whole episode was an entertaining shitshow, but it was so stupid.
Brick by Brick: Players walk across a plank for three-and-a-half, transporting bricks from one side to the other. That was it. This was an even bigger shitshow, with the drama surrounding it distracting from the sheer stupidity.
Smell Ya Later: *ssssssssiiiiiigggggghhh* Players sit in uncovered Plexiglass coffins, and foul stuff gets dumped in periodically. Tiebreaker: Submerging the entire body in utter foulness, with the first one to surface losing. Basically, this came down to which heavy smoker had the most lung capacity.
So stupid. So, so stupid. The biggest difference in cast was that Jonny Moseley was gone, at least for this season. Taking his place was Dave Mirra. I don't remember much from the late BMX legend. He didn't have any go-to quirks, like TJ Lavin's tormenting of quitters, or Jonny Moseley looking very stoned. Did you know Jonny finished fourth in the Moguls in the 1998 Winter Olympics, and she wound up hosting Saturday Night Live? Just throwing it out there. The Road Rules team would have two rookies. Jeremy Blossom was the guy who replaced the fat fuck Donell on South Pacific. He was barely worth remembering, even less so that the sweet coat Kendall Shepard wore on Campus Crawl. Sadly, she wouldn't bring that to Inferno, but she'd make an impression in her single season. Two-time veteran Piggy Thomas (Down Under) made the trip, but she wound up dismissed under a cloud of suspicion. You can see bits of her in the first episode, but I totally missed her. Replacing her was Christena Pyle from South Pacific. She and Dave were the only ones I liked that season. Christena would let me down SO hard.Abram Boise (South Pacific) was let loose from whatever institution he was being held for Inferno. Shane Landrum (Campus Crawl) also was looking for his first win. Holly Shand from Latin America was seeking to redeem herself after coming up short with Josh on Battle Of The Seasons, and she would also let me down. Another BOTS player returning was Timmy Beggy. At the time, I think it was a contest between him and Mark Long as to who was the definitive Road Rules cast member. Mark would wind up wrecking his image in subsequent Challenges. Finally,we had Darrell Taylor (Campus Crawl) and Veronica (Semester at Sea) looking for their second straight title, and Katie Doyle (The Quest) seeking redemption from her early exit in Gauntlet. When you read my recaps, you will notice I was not a fan. That would wind up changing.
On the flip side, Real World had four rookies, all hailing from Paris. That might have shot the team in the foot, because I believe that season was airing when Inferno took place, and the others didn't know how to gel with them. For Mallory Snyder and Leah Gillingwater, it would be their only season. Clyde "Ace" Amerson wound up making a move where everybody questioned his heart, guts and/or manhood. Had Teege been hosting, he probably would have punched Ace in the dick. And Chris "CT" Tamburello started his Challenge career. When you read my recaps, understand that I remember a time when I didn't hold him in high regard. It would be a long time before he would display growth as a character, let alone as a human being. One advantage Real World had was that four of their veterans had victories, compared to just two players that had 0-1 records. David Burns (Seattle) was five seasons removed from being on the losing side in Challenge 2000. Trishelle Cannatella would also return, fresh off breaking up with Mike. Speaking of which, Mike and Coral (Back to New York) returned, though I don't remember if they patched things up after Gauntlet. Another past champ making a comeback was Syrus Yarbrough (Boston), who was entertaining in Extreme Challenge. Sadly, one of his teammates was also returning: Julie Stoffer (New Orleans). It had been two seasons after Melissa had led the charge to bounce her from Battle Of The Sexes, and Julie would not learn a blessed thing from that. After the first week of Inferno, I was convinced that anybody who had ranked on Melissa for her move would have to apologize to her. And Julie would prove me right in the first week, scaring the living shit out of an opponent in the first mission. Some night, you can walk past a certain pair of high-rise buildings in Acapulco, and if you listen carefully, you can hear Jeremy screaming, "DON'T TOUCH THE SAFETY LINE!!!!!" But I'm getting ahead of myself. That's about it. This was not that good of a season, and I thought that the "Inferno" system was flawed, unable to work at all. Inferno IIwould prove me wrong, but that was a year away. In 2004, however, I would have to endure one brutally dysfunctional season. But I did it for the fans. And I still need a life.
And now, the thrilling conclusion. Well, it was thrilling compared to what I had to deal with in The Inferno. And Battle Of The Sexes 2.
Airdate: January 19, 2004
Recap Published: January 24, 2004
The season
wraps up as both teams complete Gold Rush. Can a depleted Real World team win
after losing Coral (pictured)? Will Road Rules suffer for their Gauntlet wins?
The journey ends here.
Before I tag and bag this season, I just want to give special thanks to
MTV.com. In case you didn’t see it, they had a shot of Coral on the ground,
clearly not having a good day. The caption: “Who will win on The Gauntlet?
See Coral struggle for life in the final showdown.” I don’t adore her that
much, and even I thought that was tasteless. Shame on MTV.
Previously on The Gauntlet: Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds of
prologue, all of it from last week’s episode. Given how things end up shaking
out, that time could’ve been used better. Here's what we get: Sarah is getting
nervous about Gold Rush. Coral starts getting fatigued. Mike goes insane at her
flagging health.
We pick things up with footage from last week, where Coral is lying down,
Alton is talking to her, and Mike is growling for her to get up. Coral wants to
be left behind, interviewing that she blacked out and things were beyond her
control As Mike lifts her up, we get the same surreal camera shot that ended
things last week. When it’s adjusted, Mike and Alton are supporting Coral. Mike
calls to Norman, asking him for his opinion. Norman interviews that the team
will have to eat the ten-minute penalty, and makes an executive decision to
leave her. Coral waves her teammates away. As Nathan gets informed of the
decision as he runs out in front.
Gold Digger. Nathan starts digging for the lock box, and RR is still at it.
Adam and Theo are on shovel duty while the others take a breather. Dave
interviews that they’re exhausted and they’re trying to get oxygen. Sarah gets
her back massaged by Veronica, who tells her that she can breathe all she wants
tonight. Yeah, or else Sarah might waste her time solving dirty crossword
puzzles with Theo. No, I’m still not letting that go. “Ten minutes is a long,
long time,” Mike interviews. “We have to make that up now, because Coral
couldn’t handle it.” Finally, Darrell pulls up the box, while Adam and Veronica
snag the puzzle pieces. RW gets their box, as Mike and Alton smear the camera
lens with dug-up dirt. Hope the cameraman got hazard pay.
While this is going on, a woman slowly walks up to Coral with an oxygen
mask. Back at Gold Digger, Alton grabs the box. Coral gasps into the mask.
Nathan interviews that RW has to catch up to RR and beat them by at least ten
minutes. He adds, “It seems our backs are against the wall at this point.”
Coral, now on the brink of tears, is getting attended by two medics. She
interviews that she can’t breathe, the sight in her left eye is gone, and her
toes are numb on her right foot. She continues to gasp for air.
RR runs towards the next obstacle, Dough-Nut. Turns out I overestimated how
tall it was last week. It’s only a few feet off the ground, but the problem is
that only one person at a time can go through it. Immediately, RR starts
lifting themselves through the tire. Sarah interviews that they’re hauling ass,
but RW is even with them. Adam gasps that they’re going too slowly.
Darrell is worried about Cara, Sarah, and Veronica. Why doesn’t he ever
think about Rachel like that? It's not like she’s any better in missions. “I
don’t wanna hear just because one of them dropped out you can now,”
Darrell interviews. “We're all gonna finish this together.” RW goes through the
tire just as RR leaves. Mike interviews that RW has four strong guys, and they
will catch RR. Both teams walk and jog to the next stage.
Elsewhere, Coral is still gasping for air. You know, I sometimes want bad
stuff to people to people that I can’t stand. Coral’s ordeal might make me
rethink things in the future. A medic calls in the emergency. The lady thinks
Coral is suffering an allergic reaction, and asks for an Epi-Pen. To the
uninitiated: if you are in Coral’s situation, you jam the Epi-Pen into your
thigh. It provides you with a dose of adrenaline to keep you from going into
shock before you go to the hospital. Having been to the hospital under lesser
circumstances, I can tell you that an Epi-Pen is NOT something you screw around
with. One of the medics asks Coral if she’s allergic to anything, and she
shakes her head. But soon, she’s able to gasp “spider.”
The medic tells her to calm down. We switch to a camera on the ground. Coral
is still gasping. “Stay with us,” the medic tells her. “Try to breathe.”
Another medic: “She stopped breathing on me.” Fade to commercial.
Coming back, the editors replay the last few seconds. Cut to the contestants
running. Back to a guy calling an ambulance in. More running. Mike screams for
his team to hustle. Rachel interviews that the teams are neck and neck. “But
there’s one very important detail,” she smiles. “They don’t have Coral.” One of
the medics talks to Coral.
Next obstacle: Loop the Loot. A puzzle piece is floating in the middle of
the pond, and the teams must retrieve it using ropes on both sides. Adam yells
directions to Theo as they slowly pull the piece. Nathan and Mike follow suit
on their piece. Mike interviews that he has a fear of losing, but he’s willing
to go into that fear. Theo and Adam get their piece to move on. Theo interviews
that RW has five people and they can pass RR quickly. I’m guessing that
interview was conducted before the mission.
Adam runs and yells at his teammates to go. Meanwhile, Nathan is cursing
Mike for pulling on the rope too much. Eventually, they manage to grab their
piece. The editors pipe in Missy Elliot’s “Pass the Dutch,” as RR runs in the
lead.
Next obstacle: Goldie-Locks. Nathan expositions that both
teams are given the first digit of the three-digit combination that unlocks
their box. The other two digits are on the license plates. Teams must unlock
the box, get the keys, open the Saturns, and retrieve the pieces. RR lets Dave
handle the numbers.
Suddenly, Mike gets his box open, and RW gets the pieces. Dave is still on
the box, and Veronica keeps repeating numbers. She interviews, “We could have
possibly just lost the mission.”
Final obstacle: Gold Bar, which is Perfect Fit with a golden stand. Mike
starts assembling the puzzle. Nathan expositions that RW has to finish and make
up the ten-minute penalty. Back at Goldie-Locks, Dave is still having problems
with the box. Darrell’s jabbering confirms that about “Mr. Mathematician Dave.”
I’d write his whole rant, but quoting Darrell talking is like quoting David
scatting. Dave asks one person to call out the numbers. I did the math: they
only have 15 combinations. RW is still working at Gold Bar.
Elsewhere, Coral is still in pain. The camera goes inside an SUV.
Apparently, there was an ambulance strike that day in Telluride. Coral gets
lifted into the back seat, wheezing all the way. The SUV drives off as we fade
to black.
“Let me call them out. Six, two, three.” Dave is still on the box. Finally,
the box opens on 624, and the team grabs the two pieces. RW is still working on
Gold Bar. Both sides scramble to assemble. “This puzzle is mine,” Theo drawls
in an interview. “M-Y-N-E.” Hey, it’s just Theo being Theo. He goes on about
how Mike nailed the puzzle at the end of Battle of the Seasons to defeat
Theo and his RR squad. RW shuffles their pieces. “We need to do this,” Mike
interviews. “Time to step it up one notch. I really do feel like we can win
this thing still.” Both teams scramble. Nathan is on the ground, throwing up a
little.
Hey, we got an Inferno commercial! First, we see the word “dignity.”
Cut to a guy in a chicken costume, spitting into a fake chick’s mouth. The kid
looks a little like Steve, so I’m guessing it’s Jeremy. He’s the guy who
replaced Donell on South Pacific and took part in three missions. I’m
still convinced he was a BMP intern. Anyway, “dignity” melts away. Voiceover: “The
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno. $150,000 to win, a lot more
to lose.” Well, at least the network is being up front about things.
Both teams are working, as the wind whips up. Dave interviews that he can’t
believe how close they are. Nathan interviews that it will take RR ten minutes
to finish because they’ll see RW cross the finish line. Both teams keep
assembling. The camera pans around the RR team. Do you remember the Peanuts
Christmas special, when the kids wave their hands around Charlie Brown’s crappy
tree and suddenly make it beautiful? Well, the RR team does that with the
puzzle. One minute, the pieces are everywhere. The next? Perfect fit. Adam
interviews that he knew they pulled off a miracle. Mike interviews that his
stomach sank. “But like I’ve always said,” he continues, “we’ll always finish.
Always.” Slow-motion shot of the RR team rushing for the finish line. Dave
voiceovers about not expecting to win. “We had so many more people,” he
continues, “we had so many more ways to screw up, we had so many more problems
that could have happened. I can’t believe that we won!” Theo is shirtless,
screaming, “Oh, my God!” as he dashes. “In the end,” he interviews, “we let go
of out differences and we joined hands and we became victorious.”
Airhorn. Game Over. Season Over. Road Rules wins their first Challenge in
four years. They immediately collapse in a jubilant pile. Some of them are
crying, but no tears come out. Theo screams that they’re champions. “I’m proud
of my team,” Adam interviews. “We’ve proven that Road Rules can come together
as a really good team, that we didn’t have animosity between each other about
alliances, that we can run one of these Challenges and do it right.” I’m
guessing the thrill of victory blocked out key memories for him.
Roni leaps into Darrell’s arms. Norman and Adam hug. Mike interviews that
this was the hardest mission for him. “That puzzle’s tricky,” he muses, “it’ll
get you every time.” Norman and Alton hug, not having any hard feelings. Now
Rachel is hugging Sarah, smiling all the way. Let me get this straight: Rachel
basically wanted to run Sarah through with a pitchfork from the very beginning.
In fact, their friendship got shredded in Tahiti during the Campus Crawl/South
Pacific face-off, as chronicled by Sarah on her site. And now Rachel loves
her? Whatever... I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with Rachel anymore. “I
have to hand it to her,” Rachel interviews of Sarah. “She really pulled through
for our team in the end.” Sarah cries about how she’s never won anything
before. “I’ve never pushed myself so hard in my entire life,” she interviews,
“and I wanted to give up so many times.” I can imagine Adam screaming, “I KNEW
IT!” at his TV. Speaking of Adam, he hugs Sarah. Yeah, winning a Challenge can
do weird things to people. She continues, “The only person that could control
whether I made it to the end or not was me, ultimately.”
Nathan throws a water bottle in disgust. Remember the Cobra Kai sensei at
the start of Karate Kid II? Same thing; he ain’t happy with second
place, and neither is Nathan. He yells at Alton for not voting Coral into the
Gauntlet. Alton wonders what would’ve happened if the team left Coral at the
beginning. “She talked a big game,” Nathan bitches, “and didn’t [bleeping]
complete it. I’m sorry.” I’ll bet you are. “A lot of people put faith in Coral
in this last Gauntlet vote,” he interviews. “The time to shine is today, and
it’s really disappointing.” Mike gripes about having to carry her. “Coral quit
on us,” he snots. “She quit on our entire team, and it hurts the most that I
felt like I got manipulated into believing that she can handle this. That’s
what really hurts.” Mike? Shut up. Seriously, you’re whining as badly as Ellen
did after she got snowballed by Emily last season. I don’t remember Coral
putting a gun to your head.
Hey, it’s the medical place! Coral interviews that she got bit by a spider
and had a severe allergic reaction. “I want them to know that I didn’t quit,”
she interviews, “and I think that the fact they weren’t there, the fact they
didn’t know what happened really affects that. I guess I care more about what
they think than I thought I did.” Cut to Norman: “Maybe we shouldn’t really be
looking at Coral as the complete scapegoat. My friendship with Coral is much
more important than some money and a car.” He can be catty and his grammar is
atrocious, but I dig Norman for that. Way to keep things real.
Speaking of which, Jonny awards the $150,000 check to RR, adding it to the
$80,000 they banked for a grand total of $230,000. That comes out the $25,556
per person, before taxes. Not exactly the handsome $50,000 per from the last
two seasons. Oh, and everybody on RR gets Saturn Ions, which surprises Cara. I
guess she hasn’t seen any finale since Challenge 2000. Theo walks up to
accept the check, interviewing that he’s going to give money to his mother, and
help his brother get a car. Sarah thinks of paying rent on her apartment and
getting a job that she wants. “I can stop settling so much,” she adds, “which
is what I tend to do.” Jonny also congratulates RW for their $60,000
performance, which breaks down to $12,000 per person. It was worth ditching the
likes of Elka, Trishelle and Theo G. after all. “It was a pleasure, you guys,”
Jonny tells the players. “Don’t spend it all in one place.” Those were his last
words? Weak.
Alton puts things in perspective: “What life are you twenty-two, living in a
9 million dollar, five-story home? This is a dream.” Cut to Mike’s first words
getting off the plane: “Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!” It’s flashback time.
We see Elka and Montana in awe heading inside the mansion. The guys drink,
while Sarah and Rachel B. look on. “There’s twenty-eight people living in a
house,” Veronica interviews. “Things are going to happen, obviously. I mean,
why wouldn’t they?” Cut to Veronica and Abram necking in the shower. Blech.
Shot of Mike and Trishelle in the hot tub. Sarah defeats David in Deadman’s
Drop. Abram and Mike wrestle. RR wins Masquerade. RR piles on Katie after she
wins Ride ‘Em Cowboy. Various shots of Mike. “I’ve come away from this
Challenge with a bunch of new friends,” he interviews, “a bunch of prizes, and
a girlfriend.” Cue the Mizhelle Montage. Double blech. Nathan interviews about
doing cool stuff. I can’t wait to see his friend David in Inferno,
that’s how sick I am of Nathan. Speaking of Popeye Puss, he shoots down Rachel
in Red Baron. Alton bounces off a giant ball in Mud Bath. Shots of the carnage
in I Scream and Heavyweight Hustle. RR lifts Roni up after she wins Rolling On
a River. Irulan does her 270-degree dive in All of Nothing.
Sarah montage. She outlasts Matt in Deadman’s Drop. She wins Perfect Fit
against Trishelle. “I never in my wildest dreams thought I was even going to
make it past week two,” she interviews, as we see her win Ride ‘Em Cowboy and
get carried off after beating Irulan. “And for whatever reason, I kept
fighting.” Shot of Sarah with that damn cake. “Who’da thunk it?” she beams.
“Sarah just won a Challenge.” Seriously, I love this girl. She took crap from
her team, only a little of which was justified. She was given a chance to stay
in the game, and she seized it. Looking at her smile, it’s worth people like
Adam and Rachel winning the same money as her. Heck, Veronica coming back for
fifths in a few weeks doesn’t bother me as much. At long last, Sarah rocks the
house, end of story.
More celebrating by RR. “We are the underdog team,” Rachel interviews. “We
all know that it feels like to fail, which is why we are all so happy to
succeed. You couldn’t have written it better.” I’m sure I could have.
The RR team poses for a group shot with the check and Jonny. Fade to black.
One last item: there’s been speculation on various forums that Coral tanked
the last mission; that the spider bite was overblown in order to excuse RW’s
loss. Personally, I don’t buy it. I am not Coral’s biggest fan. Her being
Melissa’s roommate doesn’t change her bitchy ways in my eyes. And yeah, maybe Alton
should have sent her to face Cara in the Gauntlet. But I don’t see a cover-up.
This is Bunim-Murray Productions we’re talking about. They couldn’t cover up
Tammy Faye Messner’s face with blush, let alone start a conspiracy. Coral’s
life was in danger, as least to the extent where she had to drop out. I hope
that Mike and Nathan feel six inches tall hearing about her ordeal. Coral went
through some genuine suffering, and I felt for her in the process.
So, what’s next?
Monday, January 26: Battle Scars: From the Gauntlet to the Inferno.
“You got reunion in my preview!” “You got preview in my reunion!” Hopefully,
we’ll find out how Mike reacted upon hearing the full extent of Coral’s ordeal.
Also, why would she come back after what happened in Telluride? Since this is
filmed in Los Angeles, I'm expecting the usual gang of aspiring actors yakking
about the Challenges, as well as a preview for Inferno. Who made the
cut? Which rivalries will scorch the landscape? What romances will smoulder the
scene?
Monday, February 2: Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno. New
location? Check. New host? Check. Two players with thick Boston accents? Check.
Girl coming back who didn’t learn her lesson after her ex-roommate took her out
last year? Check. Recapper with no job or life, wanting the attention and love
of long-suffering Challenge fans? Check and mate. Check out the one-hour season
premiere on MTV, and look for my initial thoughts on the cast here at RNO.
I won't lie . . . I came close to tearing up seeing the Sarah montage. The only other times that's happened to me watching a reality show? John Vito & Jill getting eliminated in The Amazing Race 3, Chip & Kim winning The Amazing Race 5, and John Vito & Jill getting eliminated in The Amazing Race 11. Oh, shut up. Seriously, I was so happy for Sarah. Sure, she got put through the wringer, she went through a lot of pain, and the assholes that made her life miserable got the same amount of money she did, as well as a new car. The lack of risk those people went through was part of my idea to revamp the Challenge. I admit, some of it won't work these days, but more shares in a pot for endgame appearances and excellent mission work should be rewarded.
Also not fair: no reunion special, where an audience of twenty-somethings could have let Sarah bask in their love. Remember, she was voted off RR: Campus Crawl and she flamed out of the faceoff with the South Pacific kids, so a sweet ovation would have capped a remarkable season. In retrospect, that was probably good that it never happened. Thanks to Puck and Emily electing not to come to the Battle Of The Sexes reunion (probably thanks to restraining orders from Ellen and Veronica, respectively), it was a very nice affair. What would we have dealt with? Coral smacking Mike for ripping her, the burning remnants of Mizhelle, and Rachel and Veronica trying to take the high ground against Sarah. Yeah, definitely for the best. Honestly, people cheered when MTV showed Johnny push Sarah Rice-Patterson in the soul at the reunion for Rivals III. She had a point . . . who applauds that?!?
I still believe Coral almost died, as opposed to making a huge deal out of "mere" exhaustion. I still carry an Epi-Pen with me, because I want a fighting chance in the event of a severe allergic reaction. In late 2007, I ate a teriyaki dish for lunch that must have been made with peanut oil. Wound up swelling up when I got back to work, I threw up in the office (on my tenth day, no less), and I had to be rushed to a hospital. I recovered in a few days; I didn't use the Epi-Pen, but if things really got heavy, I would have broken it out. Allergies are no fucking joke. With that said, I hope Mike felt like a little bitch seeing his frenemy almost die on camera. Between that and his relationship with Trishelle failing to work out (which gets covered in the next recap), I'm amazed Coral let Mike anywhere near her in The Inferno. I'd lay the same hate on Nathan . . . but seriously, he probably knew he'd never do another Challenge, because nobody gave a shit about him. In the context of the guys from his Real World season,he's a distant third after his more famous classmate at VMI (David) and Slappy McSlapperslap (Stephen). His greatest moment on BMP was probably on All-Star Challenge, when a young Kobe Bryant asked abut him and his girlfriend. Sad, isn't it?
There's not much else to add. Funny that one of the winners was Dave. He got little camera time, he went into acting, and he played the lead in Grimm. I never got into it, but it's still an impressive feat for a BMP alumnus. Roni also finished her "career," but I don't think many people noticed. The rest of the victorous Road Rules team would return at various points, including Darrell and Veronica in The Inferno.
Truth be told, I thought this was a good season. Had it been nominated for an Emmy, I wouldn't have objected. Not that it deserved to win, because that should ALWAYS go to The Amazing Race, even with the various bells and whistles. Little did I know that the following two seasons would be a slog, and my negativity would not only paint me as the villain in Reality News Online, but also unceremoniously booted and replaced from the site. But that wouldn't be for another year.
Up next: The Inferno. Yellowcard, sucky endgames, the most epic tantrum in BMP history at the time, and the psycho bitch that got booted first from Battle Of The Sexes and had not learned a blessed thing from that. FUN!!!
We're almost there. Please forgive me for the negativity from 2004. At this point, I probably didn't think The Inferno would be a huge downgrade, even though I knew Julie was coming back. I was burnt out on the Sarah abuse, I had thought too hard about whom Alton should send into the final Gauntlet, and I was ready for the end. But that's the messed-up thing about The Challenge: how often do we get an ending where most fans would be happy? Even now, it's usually a mixed bag. In Invasion Of The Champions, CT got his second win, but he showed up with the other champs in the fourth mission, and one of the guys he was facing was Cory, whose theme song might as well have been "Brick" by Third Eye Blind. On the woman's side, friggin' Ashley Mitchell beat Camila and Nicole. Honestly, I could have lived with Camila lucking into a second title over the bitch know as "Smashley." It also hurt that Nicole -- who's probably a good woman even with that accent -- got abused on screen and in forums. Like I said, mixed bag.
Airdate: January 12, 2004 Recap Published: January 16, 2004
Alton makes
his choice, Cara faces her final confrontation, and the teams compete in the
final mission. And one player is about to have the worst day ever.
Previously on The Gauntlet: Theo G. tried to finish Dukes of Saturn
as best as he could, fearing that the Gauntlet meeting would come down to him
or Coral. She also tried her best, and Theo figured that she beat his time by
12 seconds. Jonny awarded the last $10,000 check to Real World, giving them
$60,000 to Road Rules’ $80,000. Jonny also handed the Plate of Protection to
Alton, putting Theo in danger of being sacrificed. Jonny handed the other PoP
to Veronica. Her reaction? Like somebody jabbed her in the butt with a needle.
Why did that get stuffed into the prologue? It’ll get lopped off in marathons.
Veronica interviewed that she would’ve been sent to the Gauntlet if she hadn’t
won the PoP. In the RR Meeting, Cara got voted in for the second time, and she
hoped that she wouldn’t have to say goodbye. A cloud of angst choked the RW
meeting, as Coral and Theo G. split the votes. It all came down to
PoP-possessor Alton to break the tie. Would he stick with Coral, or send Theo
in? Boy, I’m on the edge of my seat. It’s not like MTV showed us Cara and Coral
in the final mission, right? Wait a minute...
RW Meeting. Coral insists she isn’t mad, but says would be unbelievable to
her if she had to go into the Gauntlet again. Mike interviews that the pressure
is on Alton, who holds the PoP. Alton is still sputtering, still channeling
Dave during RR: South Pacific. “Coral is really our overall weakest
player,” he interviews, “but I can’t take this opportunity away from her. She’s
my friend. It’s an opportunity to win $150,000. That’s huge.” Finally, Alton
makes his choice: Theo. “Sex doesn’t matter, man,” Theo interviews, “it’s your
performance. Coral’s definitely my girl, and I have been doing a better job than
Coral, period. But that’s just how it rolls, man.” Mike and Norman reassure
Alton. He interviews that Coral is his girl, and he wants her to have a chance.
Watching this from home, I thought this was a bad idea. Yes, I analyzed the
crap out of the situation and figured that Theo would be a better choice. Alton
agreed with me, but he based his decision on entitlement, not strategy, which
was a huge mistake. Coral already won her giant cardboard check two years ago
on Battle of the Seasons. All Theo got from Battle of the Sexes
was a number of prizes for being on the men’s side when they won missions. I
would’ve sent Theo in because he stood a better chance against a random Roadie
than Coral, not because she deserved more of a chance. Of course, hindsight is
20/20. That’s going to be a recurring theme in this and the next recap.
Gauntlet. Jonny welcomes everybody to the final Gauntlet. He reviews: the
winner stays to get a share of the team bank, while the loser goes home with
nothing. He brings Theo and Cara up to determine the final game. “All I’m
hoping when I roll the [die],” Theo interviews, “is that I don’t get Deadman’s
Drop. If I get Deadman’s Drop... I’m a dead man.” Just the way he says it, like
it’s so obvious, cracks me up. Theo rolls, and his side cheers. Jonny raises
the die to reveal Ride ‘Em Cowboy. Cara interviews that she’s a little nervous
going in. Theo asks God to “let a brother win” while meditating. They put on
the cowboy hats and jump on the bulls. Sarah gives Cara some advice. “In the name
of Jesus,” Theo mutters, “let her fall first,” Okay, whatever. Dave interviews
that Theo looks better on the bull, and he’s worried Cara won’t win this
Gauntlet.
Once again, Jonny declares this to be the final Gauntlet. The remaining RW
players stand up, holding hands. Nice show of solidarity there. Jonny blows his
air horn to start things off. The bulls slowly start to buck. Adam stares, but
not as hard as he did when Sarah was up there. Theo rides his bull, and I see
that behind a nearby fence, some misguided soul is holding up a “GO REAL WORLD”
sign. Soon, Theo’s bull starts spinning fast, while Cara’s steer moves a little
slower. In one of her recaps, Sarah explained that the bulls operated
differently for each gender, due to the difference in weight. That must have
made some sense on Planet Bunim-Murray at the time. Then again, does anything
make sense coming from BMP?
Dave says, “Cara’s doing quite nicely on the bull, and I’m going to give
myself some credit for that, if you know what I’m saying.” Oh, yuck. Seriously,
that’s way too much information from Dave today. Cara is actually smiling on
the bull, while Theo’s ride is clearly possessed. He interviews that he was
trying to hang on, but his arms were burning. He’s smacking the bull, while his
teammates continue to hold hands. Roni interviews that Cara looks balanced on
her bull. Soon, Theo slides off his bull. Game over. As RR celebrates, Coral
bitchily mimics their gestures. “So apparently,” Cara declares, “I can ride a
[bleeping] bull!” Theo can’t believe he lost. “This was my time to go home,” he
interviews. “I’m going home with pride, and I’m going home with dignity. I’m
only going home. I ain’t dying.” You know, I take back my fear of Theo coming
back as a bastard in a third Challenge. The guy shows maturity, which is a rare
commodity in reality show folk these days.
Denouement. Jonny reviews what happened, telling Theo that the loss hurt.
You and me both, Jonny. “Theo was probably the best competitor that we lost in
the Gauntlet,” Nathan interviews, slathering his body in I Told You So cologne.
“I’m sure some of the people that voted for him are kinda questioning their
vote at this point.” He does bring up a positive side: with fewer people, RW
might have a better chance. Cut to shots of Veronica, Sarah, and Adam spinning
a disc, looking like Adam’s off the meds. “Your final mission is on Sunday,”
Jonny concludes. “Good luck.”
Back from commercials, I see that Theo G. didn’t get a farewell montage.
Finally, I can compare him to Steve without any problems. Anyway, members of
both teams celebrate as Coral reads the clues off the sponsor phone. Alton
interviews that he feels great, and that his team showed RR that they’re a
force to be reckoned with.
Sunset. Sunrise. A graphic tells us it’s the final mission day. RW members
stretch and exercise outside. In the mansion, RR members look out to observe.
Theo (only one left now) is worried about going into the final mission with
more people. He talks to the others, trying to figure out how many Challenges
ended with a distance race. Answer: every Challenge since Extreme. Sarah
interviews that the others sent her to the Gauntlet because they don’t trust
her to follow through in the end. Rachel figures that every mission that RR has
lost has been physical in nature. And now it’s time for BMP to drag out the
same damn negative Adam clip. “It’s blatantly obvious that Sarah is the weakest
player, and that Cara is the second weakest player,” he interviews, clearly not
as tired of his voice as I am. “There’s a reason they went into the Gauntlet.
We were lucky that they beat somebody else on our team. Are we lucky that they
came back?” The guy should consider himself lucky Sarah didn’t follow through
with shoving her shoe up his butt. The editors, wacky funsters that they are,
follow up Adam’s drone with a shot of Sarah shaking her head.
Final preparations. Alton: “This is the team that I dreamt of having. This
is my dream team.” Coral flexes. Nathan says that his team has kicked ass.
Darrell: “Today is what counts. Not yesterday, not the day before, not the
first day we got here.” Nathan: “Looking on both sides of me right now. I know
that I’m not going to be looking over my shoulder and pulling somebody with
us.” Poor Nathan. He’s so optimistic right now, it hurts. Adam thinks that his
team has weak spots, but they have strong spots as well. Mike speaks for his
team: “Road Rules, kiss my ass!” Coral repeats that, while Nathan shows his
butt and rubs it.
The teams arrive at the mission site by car. Jonny is wearing some sort of
funky white jacket, with a t-shirt underneath. Such a dork. I will miss him,
though. He welcomes the teams to Gold Rush, which is worth $150,000. He
explains that the entire team must complete it, so the teams are only as strong
as their weakest link. Naturally, we cut to Sarah and Cara. Jonny explains that
the course is four miles long, and has seven obstacles.
1. The mission starts with a steady 1.3-mile uphill climb. Upon completion,
the team will receive a gold piece. Actually, it’s a Perfect Fit puzzle piece
with “$10,000” printed on it. Some extra in a cowboy hat holds two pieces,
working his one second of fame before we cut to...
2. Gold Block, where the players climb a twelve-foot wall. Once done, the
teams get another piece and move to...
3. Cash Crawl, a self-explanatory trek under a cargo net.
4. Gold Digger comes next. Each team gets two shovels to dig a hole. At the
bottom is a lockbox.
5. Dough-Nut is a golden tire suspended about eight feet (by my reckoning)
above the ground. Players go through that and towards...
6. Loop the Loot. The players must retrieve a piece from the middle of a
pond. Next, we go to...
7. Goldie-Locks, which involves Saturns in some way. Here’s a sign: “The key
to your SATURN is in your locked box. Road Rules, the first digit to your
combination is 6.” Jonny says that the teams must get the key, open the Saturn
and move on to...
8. Gold Bar, which looks a lot like Perfect Fit, but with a golden stand and
tray. Once done, the teams dash to the finish line for $150,000.
Jonny tells the teams that referees are stationed at each stop to answer
questions. Also, if a player is injured, the team can either move on and have
ten minutes added onto their time, or they can carry that person with them.
Jonny hands out maps to both teams. Rachel interviews that the other girls are
her team looked like they saw a ghost. Theo adds that he saw in Sarah’s eyes
only that she couldn’t do it. “We have this in the bag,” Mike interviews. “They
have Sarah, they have Cara, and they have Veronica. There’s no way they can
touch us.” In other words, Mike is begging destiny to give him a wedgie. Theo
leads a RR huddle, asking his team to finish together in victory.
Shot of a deer. Jonny gets both teams ready before blowing his air horn for
the last time. The deer runs off. Good move. Both teams start to jog, as RR
gets a slight lead. Mike interviews that 200 yards into the run, he turns
around and sees Coral walking. It’s funny... they’re running uphill, and yet
everything is about to go downhill.
We get a shot of RR running, panning left to see Darrell far out in front.
He interviews that his plan is to psyche out RW by getting ahead, dubbing
himself “Spirit Killer.” I’d go with “Grammar Killer” for him. Coral is still
struggling. Cara interviews that they’re 10,000 feet above sea level and it’s
hot, so it’s hard to keep a fast pace. Cut to... oh, wow. You know, I thought
seeing Matt dance would be the highlight of this season, but this tops it. Adam
is carrying Sarah. Let me repeat: ADAM is carrying SARAH. Now, maybe Adam was
right about the girls being weak links. Maybe Sarah was wrong in thinking the
girls wouldn’t be objects the guys could lug around. Even so, I would’ve paid
to see Sarah kick Adam in the butt like he was a pony. “Giddiyap! I did not
take out five people so you could slack off!” Instead, she asks if he’s okay
and thanks him for the lift. Norman interviews that he’s near Darrell, then
looks back to see Mike carrying Coral on his back.
Darrell arrives at the checkpoint, yelling for his team to arrive. Jonny
counts the members before handing the puzzle piece to Theo. Adam is still
carrying Sarah. Darrell doesn’t want to see RW, and then he gives his back to
Sarah, telling her she’s going to finish on her own. I’m guessing Darrell is
all about the tough love, but he still irritates me at times. Guess I’ll hold
off on final judgment until after Inferno. Sarah rides for a few seconds
before hopping off. “I’m exhausted,” she interviews, “out of breath, and
totally and mentally incapacitated.”
Commercials. Clips from this episode, set to Linkin Park’s “Numb.” Anybody
else feel that’s Sarah’s theme song for this season? Anyway, the finale is next
week. I’d settle into a small coma, but Inferno is right around the
corner, and somebody has to protect you guys from the evil of BMP.
Nathan is out in front for RW, yelling at his team. Mike is still carrying
Coral. “It’s just unbelievable to me,” Nathan grouses, “to see that within one
mile of this race, this woman is already done.” Yeesh. Nathan yells for Mike to
put Coral down. She walks a few steps, but Alton rushes in front of her and she
hops on. Jonny hands the piece to Nathan.
Gold Block. The RR team starts to climb the wall without incident. RW closes
in. Mike looks pissed with Coral on his back. RR climbs down the other side.
Coral is on Norman’s back. RR keeps climbing. Theo says, “A lot of good
teamwork at the wall by the Road Rules team. Adam is such a great captain, and
Darrell is so encouraging, it’s a pleasure to be in such an intense atmosphere
with these guys.” RR finishes the obstacle and moves on.
Nathan pulls Coral up, interviewing that RW got to the wall just as RR
wrapped up. A graphic tells us that RR is only 55 seconds in front. “She’s
saying she’s about to pass out,” Nathan gripes in an interview. “She can’t see,
she’s tired, she can’t breathe. I can’t see, I’m tired, I can’t breathe either,
but I’m not laying on the ground.”
RW continues to stagger to their next destination, with Coral faltering. She
interviews that the sight in her left eye is completely gone. Alton tells her
to take a knee, only to face the wrath of the Miz. Normally, when Mike goes
into Miz mode, it’s supposed to be funny. Right now, it’s not. Mike orders her
on his back. Alton thinks she could die, which Mike doesn’t believe. Coral
tells the team she’ll catch up, but Mike’s not buying it. His face looks like
Eric Bana turning a mild shade of green in The Hulk, a mere minute away
from total meltdown. “This is like a nightmare that’s coming true,” Mike
interviews. “You never would imagine one of your teammates saying, ‘I can’t do
it.’” He wonders if they should leave her, since ten minutes is a long time.
Soon, Coral gets on Mike’s back.
RR advances to Cash Crawl. “I don’t care if you’re tired,” Darrell
interviews, “I don’t care if your leg hurts, I don’t care if your booty itch.
You need to come on. This is for $150,000.” The team goes under the net.
Darrell: “Come on, Sarah. Come on, Cara. Come on, Veronica. Come on. Push.” Who
knows what he’d be going through if he were on the other team. The team
completes the crawl, moving on to the next stage.
Nathan is at the start of Cash Crawl, waiting for the team. Alton is
sprinting with Coral on his back. Yeah, he’s officially a rock star at this
point. She goes under the net first, with Mike urging her on, “We’re two
seconds away from ‘em!” he shouts. “They’re right in front of us!” Graphic: RR
leads, 2:04. Coral insists that her predicament is beyond her body. Alton:
“Never say never, baby.”
Adam is walking, holding Sarah’s hand. By Rachel and Veronica’s definition,
that’s getting to second base! Sarah interviews that she’s getting tunnel
vision, only able to see Adam’s shins. Various team members stumble forward.
“Guys,” Adam hollers, “I know your bodies are gone. Give me some heart!” I hate
to say this, but this is the right time to be on Adam’s team. Roni falls and
gets picked up by Dave. Veronica and Rachel stumble. Darrell gets to the start
of Gold Digger, but the referee tells him that the whole team has to arrive.
The ladies arrive depleted, staggering, and collapsing. Adam reminds the team
that he can’t start until everybody arrives.
Back to the RW Doom March. “Let’s go,” Mike mutters. “It’s just a walk.” The
inflection in his voice borders on Miz. Norman helps Coral, and she gasps that
she’ll give up her share of the money. Mike snaps, “We’re not going to have
your share, because we’re not going to win unless you keep your [bleep] up.”
Actually, they’re each guaranteed $12,000, before taxes. Nice work, if you can
get it and put up with BMP. Coral feels like she can’t breathe. Mike: “You’re
telling me Sarah is stronger than you?” Oh, no. Oh, hell no. He did not just
take Sarah’s name in vain like that. Norman interviews that Coral keeps saying
she’s not as strong as Sarah, and he can’t believe it. Since when is Sarah the
line between being an athlete and eating chips in front of the tube? Quick
note: I looked at the Inferno roster, and there’s not a single woman
there that I’d fawn over. No Melissas, no Sarahs. I don’t know if my bias
irritates any of you, but I thought I’d get that out of the way.
Gold Digger. Adam and Theo dig in the hole, frantically trying to find the
box. The others have decided to take a breather. Cara interviews that it’s hot
and the oxygen level is low. Her body is drenched in sweat. Thankfully, Dave
isn’t taking credit for that one. More digging. Nathan arrives. Darrell
interviews that the box is buried deep.
Nathan yells that RR is close by. Coral voiceovers that she feels terrible
and embarrassed about the situation. She hits the ground again, and Mike still
looks pissed. Nathan: “Coral said, ‘If there’s a car involved, I’ll kill you.
I’ll kill you for a car.’ You think Coral is just a big talker, she is going do
this and that, and then she just quit on you, Nathan? We get it. She’s out of
steam; you could go on for miles. You’re the only one left who voted for Coral.
We get it. Shut up. And I’m not forgiving you for blabbing to Colin on his web
site about how RR sent one person into the Gauntlet five times. “Dammit, Coral
should’ve been at that Gauntlet.” Yeah, well what if she won? You think Theo G.
would’ve helped you guys out that much? Once again: shut up, Nathan. Coral lies
down, and Alton tries to get her up. “We say, ‘Don’t let it get personal,’”
Mike interviews, “but no matter what, it always does.” He growls to Coral to
get up. Alton wants to stay with her, but she wants the team to leave her. Mike
doesn’t want that, and he yells at her. Norman interviews that he’s on the
fence over what to do. She feels knocked out. Mike calms down long enough to
see if she’s okay. As she gets up, the camera view staggers every which way.
Fade to black.
One last gripe before I finish: how unfair is Gold Rush to RR? If Coral were
healthier, and/or Theo G. were in there, RW would have had a better shot, since
they have fewer people to complete the course. The only stage I can see where
more people would be beneficial is Gold Digger, and even then most of RR is
electing to take a breather. Shouldn’t RR be awarded for all the times Cara and
Sarah sent a RW player home? Here’s my thinking: RR gets a five-minute head
start per Gauntlet win from their remaining players. Cara and Sarah racked up
seven, so that’s 35 minutes. Next, deduct five minutes from each remaining RW
player who won in the Gauntlet. Subtract 15 minutes from 35, and you have 20
minutes for RR to rush in front. Under this system, had Theo beaten Cara in the
Gauntlet, her wins would have been wiped out, and RR would have had a
five-minute head start (Sarah’s 25 minutes minus RW’s 20). It’s just a sad
situation that Cara and Sarah were both voted out of their respective seasons,
both crawled back to become the first outcasts to last an entire Challenge, and
both could wind up penalizing their own team due to their lack of athleticism.
Once again: what else do you expect from BMP?
Next time: It’s the last roundup, buckaroos. We got clips from this episode,
as well as some new ones. I’m guessing the finale was supposed to have been an
hour long. Sarah looks like she’s going to vomit on Veronica. Coral gets oxygen
from a paramedic. More stuff from today’s episode. Two referees administering
to Coral say, “She stopped breathing.” Of course, we’ll probably be laughing in
relief a few weeks from now, but this is some intense stuff.
I know, I tend to overthink the format of this show. In retrospect, a twenty-minute headstart would have made the finale so much less interesting. I don't think Wes or Jodi lost the leads they started with in The Duel (please correct me if I'm wrong). Still, it felt like Road Rules would get bogged down by more moving parts . . . which is precisely what happened to the Bad Asses in the finale of Inferno II. And if you're like Adam, "moving parts" equals "women that don't kowtow to my superior masculinity." If Sarah had wrote about waking up and finding Adam above her with a pillow inches from her face, I would not have been shocked. I also had issues with Mike and Nathan, but I'll save that for next time.
I totally forgot Theo Gantt got no sendoff. Like we needed the extra 45-60 seconds to listen to Adam grumble about Sarah sabotaging the team, or Mike and Nathan badmouthing Coral. Theo never came back, which was a shame given that he was a good competitor and drama-free. Also, it's funny that he hailed from the one season where Challengers were in the minority. Aside from him, Tonya and Aneesa (still looking for that first win), nobody else from RW: Chicago competed on the Challenge. It's almost a shame Kyle became a soap opera star, because he could have excelled on the show. Then again, he was an asshole and everybody made fun of his ego and "fivehead" (which some also applied to Coral), so maybe that was for the best.
Before I go, here's the video for "Numb" by Linkin Park. I still feel this was Sarah's theme song for The Gauntlet, but I'd be happy to hear any suggestions you might have.
Cut to early 2004. The Real World team had painted itself into a corner, as alpha male Alton (sorry, Mike, you know it's true), had to decide who would go to the final Gauntlet: Coral or Theo. Once again, I put too much thought into what might happen. This was published on January 12, 2004, the day when the results would be shown.
Alton has a
choice to make: who to send to the last Gauntlet. At stake: the possible
elimination of Cara and a better chance of winning the final mission. Who’s it
going to be: Coral or Theo?
Meet Alton Williams. Alton is a member of the Real World team competing in The
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet. Throughout the season, Alton
has been a top performer for his team, finishing at or near the top in the
missions. After two sub-par performances in a row, he volunteered for the
Gauntlet, managing to smoke Laterrian in Pole Climb. If ever there was a better
example of a RW alpha male, it’s Alton.
As described in my recap of the 15th episode last week, Alton has a
dilemma. For completing Dukes of Saturn faster than anyone else on his team, he
was awarded the Freshlook Eyesaver, which kept him from being voted into the
Gauntlet by his teammates. It also gave him the power to break a tie, should
that occur. As Peter Parker once learned, with great power comes great
responsibility. And for a team already guaranteed to have a disadvantage going
into the final mission, Alton’s decision could be the difference between a
$60,000 and $210,000 payday.
On one side is Theo Gantt. A rarity amongst the Bunim-Murray set, Theo left
most of his drama back in Chicago. He competed well in Battle of the Sexes,
constantly finishing near the top of the standings. He seemed to be a prime
contender for the final threesome, until he fell off a stirrups course,
plunging him from fourth place to dead last. Since his team established that
the last-place finisher would go home, Theo left, and without regret. In
Telluride, his performances had not blown away his teammates, to the point
where he received votes to go to the Gauntlet. Since then, he has stepped up,
performing to the best of his abilities.
On the other side is Coral Smith. In contrast to Theo, Coral brings the
drama wherever she goes. She didn’t even unpack her bags before getting in
Matt’s face. A member of the winning RW squad on Battle of the Seasons,
Coral’s early performances were dismal. The lowest point came when her team,
longtime friend Mike included, sent her to the Gauntlet. After defeating Tina in
Deadman’s Drop, Coral’s name was kept out of Gauntlet consideration, save for
Mike, who wanted to protect girlfriend Trishelle. Coral is the last woman on
the RW side, and does not relish the thought of losing a share of her team’s
bank with a Gauntlet loss.
In the closing minutes of last week’s episode, Coral and Theo voted for each
other. Norman and Mike voted for Theo, while Nathan and Alton chose Coral.
Whomever gets selected will face Cara in the final Gauntlet... but it’s
unlikely that RW will know that until the actual match. With all this said...
what will Alton do?
What Alton Should
Do
With no points system, both teams have not had a set voting plan. Sometimes,
the decision is based on overall performance. Other times, it’s a case of “What
have you done for me lately?” Let’s look at the players’ performances in
individual events, as presented by the editors (some information extrapolated
from average times):
Snake Soup
Coral: Second person overall to drop out.
Theo: Fifth person on team to drop out.
Mud Bath
Coral: Eliminated after Round One.
Theo: Eliminated after Round Four.
Sink My Ship
Coral: Eliminated after Round One
Theo: Eliminated after Round Two
Red Baron
Coral: Shot down Laterrian.
Theo: Shot down by Adam
As you can see, Theo has the edge over Coral. In addition, Coral has been a
drag on her team throughout the season. She took the lead with Tonya in
Masquerade, failing to put the faces together before tagging out to Rachel and
Matt. Her freak-out during Holey Canoe led her teammates to send her to the Gauntlet,
which led to a massive crying session over Mike’s decision to shove her in. On
the other side, Theo has proven himself to be a good player, unable to provide
the drama that this show demands. And that is why Alton should send him into
the Gauntlet.
Hear me out on this. RW has no clue whom RR would send. Maybe they could
determine that Cara has been voted into the Gauntlet. After all, they send in
females in nine out of thirteen times. Sarah had been given a bye by her
teammates, and Cara had the fourth-worst time in Dukes of Saturn. Right now,
Alton needs to be feeling the hard feelings from the last Gauntlet. He needs to
remember the taunting his girlfriend Irulan received after losing to Sarah.
Theo would be the best weapon he could unleash, aside from himself. All he has
to do is tell Theo that he believes in him and that he can’t trust Coral to get
the job done. Alton stepped up to eliminate Laterrian, and Mike survived a
scare against Abram. At this stage, it’s not about cutting the fat; the team is
downright anorexic at this point. It’s about making certain the opposing team
is as weak as possible. Besides, if Theo loses, he would take it like an adult.
If Coral loses, she’d probably go on another “I thought we were friends!” jag,
crushing what little morale is left.
What Alton Will Do
My guess? He’ll stick with his vote and send Coral. It’s easy for me to
analyze the situation. After all, I have six days, 23 hours and 30 minutes to
think up scenarios. Alton has less than half an hour. Besides, if he looked at
the final missions of the last two seasons, he would see they were both
gender-neutral. In fact, the course in Sexes was adjusted for both male
and female teams. In other words, Coral would be more expendable.
Who Will Win the
Gauntlet?
In Sarah’s recaps, she mentioned that the two dice used in the game were
different. The same-sex die has six missions, while the opposite-sex has three.
Once again, Cara is the RR representative. She is the only person on her team
to survive a Gauntlet outside of Sarah, defeating Elka in Knock Your Block Off.
Cara vs. Coral
Think of this as the Princess Battle. The winner gets two Gauntlet wins, and
gets to play Princess to Sarah’s Queen. If Cara loses, she will be forced to
leave Dave, breaking up the third couple this season. In addition, she will be
the second South Pacific cast member Coral racked up in the Gauntlet. If
Coral loses, Cara will have eliminated two members of the winning RW team from Seasons.
Let’s check out the possibilities.
Deadman’s Drop: I think Cara has this one in hand. Coral can give her
the Evil Witch Stare all she wants, but she should have learned what to do in
this event (Sarah) and what not to do (Tina).
Hangman: For some reason, I see Coral hanging a little tougher here.
I’m probably thinking of how well she and Mike did on the original Hangman
mission in Seasons.
Knock Your Block Off: Coral will have learned from the mistake Elka
made, which was being too aggressive. Elka had Cara nailed, but her momentum
threw her into the water. If Mike can learn patience, so can Coral.
Perfect Fit: Outside of David, name a cast member who has more issues
with water. Yeah, Sarah managed to come back after Trishelle took a head start,
but I feel Cara would solve the puzzle before Coral.
Pole Climb: Coral has this, since she has Alton on her side. His
advice? Keep the hands dry before climbing.
Ride ‘Em Cowboy: This is a tough one. I’ll give this to Coral, who
would hang on out of sheer spite.
Cara vs. Theo
This doesn’t have the punch of Cara/Coral, but the stakes are just as high.
If Theo loses, he gets the label of “two-time loser.” Given that Beth and Emily
formerly had that title, and Veronica’s currently wearing it, I would advise
him never to do another Challenge. He’d probably come back as a bastard in the
third.
Deadman’s Drop: For some weird reason, I don’t see this event
claiming a third male victim. I just checked my recap of the event from last
season, and they never showed Theo’s time. But it’s a feeling that I have that
he would win.
Perfect Fit: This one goes to Cara, if she gets the pieces quickly
enough.
Ride ‘Em Cowboy: From one of Sarah’s recaps, she mentioned that the
man’s bull would be faster. Even so, I think Theo would pull it out, holding
onto the bull, while Cara flops around.
To find out how well I know these people, check out The Gauntlet this
Monday on MTV at 10 p.m., or any of the other hundreds of times they choose to
air it. Then keep an eye right here on RNO for my recap, to see me crow about
how right I was... or to just pretend this analysis was never written.
How did I do? Here's a hint: about a month later, when I contributed to a roundtable on who would win Survivor: All-Stars, my pick was Rob Cesternino. He was the fourth person vote of the game. Apparently, being a genius on a tribe with no prior winners did not work into his favor. I'll have the next recap -- "Beginning Of The End" -- posted soon.
We're entering the final stretch of The Gauntlet. After this comes a "special" essay from me, followed by two recaps. Once again, hindsight is a bitch, as I was years away from the salad days of "Johnny Bananas" and his two alleged rapist buddies. XXX or Dirty 30 or whatever does not fill me with much hope. Veronica officially comes back, not counting her one-and-done stint on Champs Vs. Pros. She could be a shell of her old bitchy self and excel in missions, and I would still point out how awful she was when I recapped her, to the point where I was okay with Tonya hitting her during The Ruins, figuring it was long overdue after Inferno II. Lucky for me, lots of people go over the show in detail these days, so I don't feel the need to keep an unofficial official record, especially for hour-long episodes. I'll have to bring in my old recaps of Dog Days and Kevin & Drew Unleashed to give you an idea on how tough it was for me to do sixty minutes. And those two shows had a combined eleven episodes, which shows that I was not made for long distances.
Funny thing about me mentioning the upcoming Real World: San Diego at the start . . . not only was I right about Brad and Robin making their debuts on Battle Of The Sexes 2 that year, but "longshots" Jacquese and Randy also got in, along with habitual nut-slapper/current Southern reality sophisticate Cameran. I'll be honest: I miss Jacquese. Easily the best of that cast.
Airdate: January 5, 2004 Recap Published: January 8, 2004
Tempers
flare as the teams prepare for their final mission. Can Coral step up and claim
her place on the team? And with Sarah safe for the finale, who will Road Rules
send to the Gauntlet?
Previously on The Gauntlet: In a Real World meeting, Coral didn’t
think that the men were sexist, but she wanted them to know that the women
could be an asset. I see Rachel B. and Irulan in that clip, so I’m guessing the
men didn’t agree with her. Coral: “The guys are assuming that every mission is
going to be, ‘Lift a car over your head.’” Hey, that would be a great mission.
“Reenact the cover of Action Comics #1 in the best way possible!” RW won
Vertical Sweep, boosting their bank to $50,000, while RR held at $80,000. Alton
interviews that RW is a force to be reckoned with. Irulan got sent to the
Gauntlet, and lost to Sarah in Deadman’s Drop. Theo V. told Alton to help her
pack, and Alton lost it. It kills me seeing one of his flip-flops go flying off
his foot in anger. Nathan interviewed about not knowing what deal Sarah cut
with which devil to win in the Gauntlet so many wins, then reminded us that RR
has a 9-6 advantage.
Outdoor shots. Close-up of ducklings shaking water off their bodies. Cut to
the kitchen table, where both sides are engaged in a heated argument. Norman
narrates the exchange of words between Darrell and Coral. She keeps talking
about how the teams have never, ever fought like this. Oh, come on. What about Challenge
2000, where a tired RW concocted a fake mission for RR and Amaya
clotheslined Veronica in a flag football game? Or Extreme Challenge,
where a boiled-over James shot Julie with a paintball gun a few times too many,
and Syrus nearly pulped him for that? We get a flashback to last week, where
Theo V. keeps yelling for Irulan to go home. How did Norman respond? “Back
tomorrow, Sarah!” Wait a second... Sarah’s recovering from hanging upside-down
for 48 minutes, and Norman’s taunting her? Bad, Norman. Bad. Once again, we see
Alton lose his cool. Back to the present, Coral bitches about how some RR
members booed Irulan. Darrell insists he didn’t act like Alton did. More
shouting between Coral and Darrell. Theo V. brings up Irulan being a poor
sport. Cut to the Matt/Sarah Gauntlet, where Irulan went over to the RR side
and used her clapper. At the table, Roni is just eating, trying to stay
drama-free for another day. Cara tells Coral that Norman and Nathan had said
horrible things. Now Nathan goes ballistic and he gets into it with Cara. “This
game is getting so tough right now,” Mike interviews. “It’s so much pressure
put on you. We’re at the final draw.”
Back to the bickering. Coral tells Cara not to boo somebody in the Gauntlet,
adding “Not one of your guys clapped for her.” I’m assuming she means Sarah,
and I remember that Sarah didn’t want noise while competing in the Gauntlet.
Hey, at least her teammates give her that much. “We’re glad you’re staying,”
Nathan yells in Cara’s direction, “‘cause you’re gonna help us win $10,000
today.” Cara: “God, Nate sucks so bad!” Theo V.: “Bad sportsmanship seems to be
a popular hobby for some of the kids at this competition.” Whatever, Mr. “Go
Home!”
Outdoors. Theo V. and Sarah go for a walk. Uh-oh... they might work on
crossword puzzles! Theo is pissed off at Veronica; it seems that she has been
reading the voting slips after meetings. Any time I think Veronica scraped the
bottom of the barrel, she manages to find a few more feet. He feels that it
undermines the voting, and that she brings shadiness to the team. “Whatever,”
Sarah replies. “She’s got a couple new boyfriends these days.” Good one! She
interviews that not many people like Veronica, and she’s been “freakishly
manipulative” during the whole process.
Mansion. Coral tells Mike that all of the other girls have been sacrificed,
and that the present team members should get an opportunity to win. “At the end
of this thing,” she says, “if there’s a bunch of boys sitting around, I think
that’s going to look like [bleep].” She interviews that she would get no money
should she lose in the Gauntlet, that it feels good to be the final woman, but
the team finds it easy to send girls. Mike tells her that the men are more
physically fit, and he wants to look at the big picture, as he sees the team
opposing the likes of Darrell, Theo V., and Adam. “I know,” Coral replies, “but
don’t lose sight of the war, or the woman on your team.”
Night. Veronica reads the clue from the sponsor phone: it’s an individual
challenge. Norman reads from the RW bedroom: 6:45 a.m. pickup, wear sneakers
and team colors. Coral fakes enthusiasm in her bed. “I would burn my eyes out
with cigarettes,” she interviews, “then go back to the Gauntlet.”
Elsewhere, Theo V. tells Adam that he’s not comfortable with Veronica, since
she doesn’t bring the positivity. “Veronica wants to win bad enough,” Theo
interviews, “that she’s willing to shower with the whole team in order to get
the job done. I don’t like her method.” Abram might disagree with you there,
Theo. Naturally, we get a clip of Veronica and Abram steaming up the shower. I
think Bunim and Murray adore Theo. He continues, telling Adam that he doesn’t
know whether to bring it up to the others. Adam feels that she is a good
competitor, but interviews that she needs to prove herself or she’ll be the
next to go. Theo can’t even make eye contact with Veronica. “I don’t want the
Grim Reaper on my relay race team,” he says to Adam. And here I thought that
was Sarah’s title. Adam looks on, not showing any reaction.
Daytime. Mission site. We have two cars in team colors, raised in the air by
cranes with a ladder between them. Adam has his “I’m a Pony!” shirt on. Jonny
welcomes everybody to Dukes of Saturn, which follows in the footsteps of Hands
on Saturn (Battle of the Seasons) and Seven Rings of Saturn (Battle
of the Sexes). This mission will test the players’ agility and balance. The
object: climb the ladder from one Saturn Ion to the other, while being
suspended in the air. “I have a fear of heights,” Darrell reminds us in an
interview. “Why can’t we go back to the ground? Me and the air don’t get
along.” Mike interviews that this mission looks scary.
Commercials. Promo for new reality programming in January: new seasons of Newlyweds
and The Osbournes, Til Death Do Us Part with Carmen Electra and
Dave Navarro, and the latest social misfits appearing on The Real World.
Oh, and there’s three seconds of Inferno. I don’t know what’s sadder:
that I care about that, or that I didn’t recognize some of the faces in the
clips, despite knowing the roster. Apparently, people will be running around in
chicken costumes. After the fat suits, I can live with that.
Alton lays out the exposition: when Jonny blows his airhorn, the player
takes off the seat belt, crawls out of the window, crosses the ladder, gets in,
and blows the horn. Jonny lays out the usual spiel: team with best average time
wins $10,000 for their bank account. Nathan interviews that RW has two wins in
a row, and they want the third for momentum. Jonny adds that the players with
the best times will win the Plate of Protection, which also can be used to
break a tie. “I’ve been screwed over so many times on Challenges,” Veronica
interviews. “People want me to go into the Gauntlet. I have to win the [PoP] to
be able to stay.”
Nathan gets equipped with his bungee cord. He talks about the bickering
between the squads. “We’re just going to keep our mouths shut,” he adds, “and
smile all the way to the bank.” Jonny blows his horn. Nathan takes his time
getting out of the car and onto the ladder, as his teammates yell encouragement
from the ground. He slides through the window and honks out at 58.72 seconds.
On the ground, Dave tells his teammates that he will “gun it” across while
holding onto the sides of the ladders. He interviews that he’ll be calm and
pretend the ground is under the ladder. Airhorn. Dave gets out and crawls
across. He honks out at 50.37. Cut to Cara clapping. Oh, that’s right...
they’re the only couple left. Darn the Sarah! Darn that grim reaping love-hater
for ousting Trishelle and Irulan!
Theo V.: “One thing about all this protective gear is that I think it’s
really good for safe sex, man.” Eh, they can’t all be winners. Cut to a
montage: Norman gets out of the car. Cut to Theo G. on the ground, looking at
his phone. Sarah gets to the hood and slides down. Roni scampers across. Norman
gets into the car and honks out at 41.10. Darrell slowly crawls across. The editors
give us “Feel This” by Blink 182. Adam staggers across quickly. Theo V. crawls
quickly. Mike and Rachel make their efforts. Sarah honks out at 48.13. Darrell:
53.34. Mike nearly breaks the horn at 38.78. Adam: 30.61. Theo V.: 31.34.
Rachel: 31.19. Roni: 29.04. Average times: RW 46.16, RR 39.00. Norman
interviews that the times are getting better. “If you screw up,” he adds, “you
are going to lose the mission.”
Cara gets ready. She interviews about getting in the final three in the
voting last time. Airhorn. She gets out of the car and onto the ladder. She
takes her time, finishing at 33.27. She interviews that it took a while to
slide off the car. “I think my time was average,” she adds. “I don’t think it
was frickin’ awesome.”
Theo G. interviews that he needs the PoP, since the voting might come down
to him and Coral. It takes a while to hit the horn, finishing at 37.74. Back on
the ground, Sarah laughs to Theo G. about being fast. “I had to be,” he tells
her. “I have no choice.” Sarah: “Welcome to my world!” They both have a good
laugh, and I think I saw Adam smiling.
Airhorn. Alton climbs out, skittering across the ladder, hands and feet on
the edges. He honks out at 19.16. Wow. Theo G. jumps around in celebration.
“That boy Alton crawled across that ladder like a little monkey,” Darrell
interviews. “That boy is a monkey for real.” I get a flashback of Eric Nies as
the “Ancient Jungle Monkey.” RW whoops it up some more. Mike interviews that
Alton rocked the mission. We get a slow-motion shot of Alton jumping on the
windshield. He’s a lot of things, and superhuman seems to be one of them.
Coral gets fitted. Average times: RW 37.80, RR 38.28. She interviews that
she’s extremely nervous, and she doesn’t want to go home. Oh, come on. You got
Melissa as a roommate. Who doesn’t want to go home to her? She waves as she’s
lifted to the cars. Mike interviews that the pressure is on Coral. Norman on
the ground: “You need to kick ass!” Norman in an interview: “We’re like,
‘Coral, you need to bust ass on this.’” Whatever, editors.
Back from commercials, Coral gets out, sliding down the windshield, and
crawling like Alton. She takes her time to crawl on the hood and through the
window, honking out at 25.29. On terra firma, the guys cheer her, and Alton
lifts her up. She interviews that she doesn’t know how well she did, and she
got in and out of the cars efficiently enough. She calls her mother,
breathlessly telling her that she made it through all 14 missions.
Veronica gets prepped. She interviews that people are gunning for her, and
she has to do well. She climbs out of the car, her teammates yelling out the
seconds. I thought they were counting down when I saw the teaser. My bad. She
tries to spider-crawl, but she doesn’t finish like that. Instead, she straddles
the ladder, and pulls herself forward. I think I’ll let Mike handle this one:
“She starts a humping motion, and it’s kinda turning me on.” What do you expect
with Trishelle gone? The man has needs! Veronica climbs through the window,
honking out at 28.74. The graphic people have decided she’s a RW member, since
she has that logo and colors on her time. Is it Drunken Interns Week again? The
RR guys check their phones for the time. Veronica interviews that the ladder
was wobbly, and it messed with her balance, but she did OK.
Jonny announces that the winning team had an average time of 36.66 seconds.
After a drawn-out pause, he announces that RW won. They have a huge
celebration, as they boost their bank to $60,000. Mission-wise, this season
hasn’t been a total bloodbath, as RR got the 8-6 edge. Both sides shake hands,
trying to put the bickering behind them. Jonny awards a PoP to Alton, for his
19.16 performance. As for RR? Well, I looked down at the times I frantically
scrawled, and my reaction was, “Oh, crap.” It’s Veronica. I heard she was gone.
I actually had this witty line in store: “Hey, what’s eight letters long,
‘Three-time loser’?” Damn. Anyway, the editors pipe in Ludacris’ “Stand Up,” as
she jumps into Jonny’s arms. Theo V. and Adam? Do not look happy. She
interviews that she’s not going anywhere, and she will be a member of the RR
team. Quick shot of her hugging Rachel, and I cringe. Dave interviews that if
not for the PoP, she would’ve gone next. “I cannot believe Veronica will be
here for the final mission,” Theo V. drawls. “It really, really makes me mad.”
I bet he had some witty lines stored, too. Jonny does his usual spiel: 30
minutes, sacrifice, whatever.
Both teams are still feeling the good vibes as they shake hands and hug.
Adam thinks they learned about pushing each other’s buttons, and it doesn’t
need to be done again. “We had found each other’s boundaries,” Norman
interviews, “we have crossed them, and if we were going to get along to
recognize that we can’t cross those boundaries again.”
RR Meeting. Adam explains that one person from either team will be going
home without getting a shot at the $150,000 after playing for a month. Veronica
asks what would be best for the team. Cara thinks that if they send a girl, it
would between her and Sarah. Oh, hell no. Don’t even joke about that. “They say
they’re not going to send me in,” Sarah laughs, “but do I ever believe the team
when they tell me anything? No. Don’t trust those Road Rulers any further than
I can throw them.” Cara says that the guys did a little better than Sarah, and
she doesn’t want to go to the Gauntlet. Theo V. decides that Sarah doesn’t need
to go again. “Who knows?” Adam asks. “Maybe it’ll be a good luck charm.” I only
got a little more time to spend on Adam, so I won’t go ballistic. This time,
Cara will be going up against Dave and Darrell in the voting.
Votes are collected. Roni interviews that nobody wants to go, since this is
the last chance to see money. Cara reads off the votes, as all three candidates
get threes. Theo scrawls the numbers and I can’t make them out. Final results:
Cara 22, Darrell 16, Dave 16. Roni doesn’t want anybody to go. Cara interviews
that she’s going back because Veronica is immune. Dave admits not being able to
vote his girlfriend into the Gauntlet. Cara plans to win, and she doesn’t have
to say good-bye.
RW Meeting. Norman tells the others that this will be a difficult decision.
Theo G. feels that anybody can go, and he figures it’ll be between him and
Coral. She tells the group that (say it with me) she is the last girl on the
team, and been kicking ass competing with the boys. Theo remembers that after
his name was brought up, he has gone “balls-out” since then. “If I really feel
like I deserve to go in, I’d vote for myself,” he interviews. “But man, I’ve
been stepping up.”
Coral: “Both strategically and morally, I can’t vote for myself.” Theo, 1-0.
Theo: “It has to be a survival tactic for me to vote for her.” Tied, 1-1.
Norman votes for Theo, citing his friendship with Coral. Theo, 2-1. Mike votes
for Theo, because he hasn’t been in the Gauntlet, and Coral would tear him
apart if he voted otherwise. Or maybe he’s just thinking that. Theo, 3-1.
“Coral really pulled through today,” Mike interviews, “and I think we might
need a girl in this final mission.” Alton doesn’t feel right sending Theo in.
Theo, 3-2. “Coral’s my girl,” Alton interviews, “but Coral is out overall
weakest player.” Nathan says that his votes have been based on performance, and
it would be “completely asinine and a waste of my month” if he changed that.
Based on cumulative performance, he votes for Coral. Tied, 3-3. Coral goes into
an edited rant, interviewing that she did better than everybody on the team
save for Alton.
Mike informs Alton that he can break the tie with the PoP. Alton interviews
that he hates coming down to this. “Coral’s my girl,” he laments out loud, “and
Theo’s my boy.” Already, he looks like he’s going to top Dave’s painful vote
against Cara on South Pacific. “How am I going to do this, God? How am I
going to do this?” Fade to black.
Next week: Alton agonizes some more, saying that Coral is his friend, but
she’s also the weakest player. Theo interviews that he’s done better than
Coral. Cut to Jonny and the final mission: Gold Rush. We got running, climbing,
digging, crawling, and puzzle pieces. By the way: no sign of Cara, Coral or
Theo. Don’t worry... MTV will probably blow the final Gauntlet this weekend.
I wound up writing my take on what Alton should have done. In retrospect, Theo could've just outright noted that he was way too normal for the franchise, and I would not have blamed him for throwing shade on Coral, who was Bunim and Murray's best cast member at that time. The episode would have hurt less if Veronica had gotten sent in. I probably would've ranked her fourth on the list of people that needed comeuppance for abusing Sarah (after Adam, Rachel and Darrell), but any sympathy I had for her following her ouster in Battle Of The Sexes was gone. The really sucky part is that she would avoid the possibility of going into the final Inferno in the following season. She was tough to flush, and I don't feel bad for saying that thirteen-plus years later.
This is it . . . Sarah's final trial on her way to personal redemption. And yes, I really went "all-in" with her writing this recap. Once again: I identified with her a lot back then; of course I had a rooting interest. It's funny that we're thirteen years from when this was written, and not only did Sarah not prove to be the most-screwed person in Challenge history, she's not even the most pitiable player named "Sarah." Look at Sarah Rice-Patterson . . . she went years with below-average teammates (can't hate Devyn; she was awesome), and got forced off two seasons thanks to the dumbasses she was paired with (fat fuck Vinny in Battle Of The Exes; the always sucky Trishelle in Rivals II). She won Battle Of The Exes II with Jordan, came back two seasons later on Rivals III, got teamed with Johnny, and he denied her $175,000 in the end. Oh, and guys have gotten a lot worse than Adam Larson. But you knew that already.
Airdate: December 29, 2003 Recap Published: January 2, 2004
Sarah gets
knocked out, but she gets up again, and nobody can keep her down. But after a
brutal mission, the Queen of the Gauntlet is primed to be overthrown. Will the
forces of evil finally win out?
How’s everybody doing? Did you get what you want for the holidays? Cool.
This episode is dedicated to Danny Roberts and his boyfriend Paul. If you
skipped out after this episode aired, I’ll break it down: during Real World:
New Orleans, Danny and Paul met up romantically several times. The problem
was, Paul was in the Army, and his homosexuality was a big problem in the time
of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” So Paul’s face was blurred every time he showed up.
Monday night, the blur was finally taken off, and we got the first look at him.
I dedicate this recap because I sometimes get so squirreled away in my little
area, I forget that others go though tougher times than dealing with the
obnoxious. Also, at the beginning of 2003, I found myself cheering on Melissa
and her friend Amaya during Sergeant Says. So applauding another Belfort
resident and his friend at the end seems fitting. I think I’ll overdose on that
season’s marathon this weekend.
Previously on The Gauntlet: Real World won All or Nothing, upping
their bank to $40,000, which was half of Road Rules’ total. Mike defeated Abram
in the Gauntlet, but RR had nine players left to RW’s seven. Theo V.
interviewed that it was tough to lose Abram. Sarah sat on the bench, looking
distraught over how the bullet she dodged nailed Abram between the eyes. Roni
interviewed that Sarah has gone to the Gauntlet four times and won, and that
was big for the team.
We start with some quick cuts, which will be consistent for tonight’s
episode. First, we flash from Sarah in the mansion to Adam and Theo V. walking
outside. Theo can’t believe she has gone to the Gauntlet four times. He
interviews that he likes Sarah and he wants her to stay. He tells Adam that
they have to think of a way for her to use her Gauntlet energy in the missions.
“Maybe it’s fear,” Adam muses, “a fear of getting sent home.” He’s perceptive,
isn’t he? Cut to Sarah in the bedroom with Roni. “Sarah has gotten disqualified
two or three times,” Adam interviews. “She is definitely the weakest link. If
it was up to me, I would’ve voted her in the Gauntlet every single time, from
the very beginning.” You mean he didn’t do that? I guess Tina and Steve were
collateral damage. She might be the weakest link, but she doesn’t look like the
missing link.
Mountain shots. Sarah laughs about the standard operating procedure of her
team. “How many times can one person go into the Gauntlet,” she wonders,
“before somebody starts to recognize that maybe that’s not exactly fair.” Shot
of her in the bedroom, laughing with Roni. “They want me to go home. If I give
up, that’s it.” Also, her “friends” wind up with larger shares from the bank.
She laughs painfully, then frowns.
Later. Cara answers the sponsor phone. The clues: individual challenge,
pick-up at 7:45 a.m., wear team colors and sneakers.
Mountains. Everybody looks up, as we glimpse some rope hanging from the
cliff. Jonny welcomes everybody to Vertical Sweep. The object: to rappel down
the cliff face while collecting flags. Nathan expositions that there’s a
100-foot drop. Jonny continues: failure to grab all the flags results in the
mandatory (say it with me) worst logged time plus a two-minute penalty. For
some reason Theo V. has his hand raised. Jonny concludes: the team with the
fastest average time wins $10,000 and a sponsor audio notebook. He presents it
with a big grin on his face. I know he annoys me, but I’m going to miss him
when he leaves. “We really need everybody to step up here in the Vertical
Sweep,” Theo V. drawls. “We need all the ladies to get lovely in this rock, and
we need all the guys to come through. It’s gonna be tough.”
Darrell is first to descend, as he reminds us of his fear of heights. Jonny
blows his airhorn and Darrell slowly descends. As he grabs the flags, Adam
shouts advice to him. Darrell slides to the left, picking up another flag. “I
just simply don’t trust equipment,” Darrell interviews, while we see a random
key grip fiddling with the cord. “Man made it, it was made to be broken.” At
least he didn’t say, “I don’t wanna hear, ‘Come on, Darrell!’” He grabs another
flag before slamming into the mountain. Cut to a tight shot of Sarah. She
interviews that seeing Darrell struggle she is hoping she can kick ass. Darrell
grabs the final flag, clocking out at three minutes, 43 seconds.
Nathan descends, taking his time as Alton cheers him on. Irulan interviews
that RW is stepping it up, “In every individual mission that we have,” she
adds, “we shine and we win.” Nathan comes down at 4:00, getting hugged by Mike
and Alton.
Roni jumps around, having trouble. Adam yells at her, telling her to cinch
the rope. She climbs up to retrieve a flag, then twirls on the rope. Cut to
Sarah, looking worried. Since she mentioned in a recap that Roni had
firefighter training, I can’t blame her. “It’s really hard for me to maintain a
positive energy level,” Sarah interviews. “It would really suck to go home with
nothing.” Roni snags the final flag, hitting the ground at 9:59.
Techno montage! Theo G. yells while swinging. Veronica looks like she’s
having an easy time of it as she grabs a flag. Theo V. grabs a flag. Mike
descends. Theo G. finishes at 4:30. Theo V.: 1:46. Mike descends and the camera
pans to Sarah. He finishes at 1:46. No shot of Veronica finishing. Average
times: RW 4:12, RR 5:16. Since I have no life, I took the times at face value
and calculated Veronica’s time at 5:36. Hey, I gotta use my math degree
somewhere.
Suddenly, there’s an annoying pinging, like something off a submarine’s radar.
Sarah looks on as Mike gets love from his team. “I’m just trying really hard to
stay focused on the task at hand,” she interviews. “Screw the past, screw the
future. Today is today.” She gets ready at the top, a little nervous, but in
good spirits. Maybe she’ll be okay. It’s not like the producers showed her
wiping out two weeks ago. Oh, wait... they did. Never mind.
Back from commercials, Sarah starts her descent. Adam yells instructions and
encouragement from the ground. She snags a flag and all is well. The soundtrack
gets happy, repeating, “I’m gonna do it!” She keeps grabbing flags. Adam looks
like he doesn’t totally hate her. Soundtrack: “Isn’t it time to shine?” She
keeps grabbing flags before getting stuck in a crack. She slowly crawls up to grab
it. All in all, she’s kicking butt. Adam yells that her “momentum is awesome!”
She swings left, hitting the wall hard with her back. Adam grimaces. She floats
down on the rope, hitting the wall again. She whimpers as she tries to climb
up. “Come on, you got it!” Roni hollers. “You do not quit!” Sarah grabs a flag,
hitting the wall once more. Roni yells for her to pick her feet up. Sarah
pushes herself off the wall, only to hit the wall and the ground. Damn, that
had to hurt. Disqualification. Cara and Roni rush up to help her as we see the
final flag still in place.
Montage! Norman descends, grabbing a flag. Irulan swings. Rachel grabs a
flag, swinging far to her left, getting cheered on by Veronica and Adam. Well,
the Axis of Ass has to stick together. Coral swings, hitting the wall hard.
Cara struggles to grab a flag. Norman lands at 3:16. Rachel lands at 3:29,
getting a hug from Adam. Irulan finishes at 8:04, getting hugged by Alton and
Mike. She interviews that she brings a lot to the team, but she didn’t do her
best. Coral grabs a flag, finishing at 7:07. She feels that since Irulan and
herself are the last ladies on the RW side, she might be going to the Gauntlet
again. Average times: RW 5:11, RR 5:58. Cara floats down with a smile on her
face, not hitting the ground hard as she gets disqualified, making Theo V.
curse. Cara thinks she might be Gauntlet-bound, while Sarah prays that’s not
the case for her.
Adam gets ready as he and Theo V. yell instructions to each other. Adam
descends with ease as the editing flashes between him and Sarah. She
interviews, “Adam just views things from the perspective of a person who can do
whatever the hell he wants, and has never had anybody beat him down before.”
Hey, bring Adam to New York. I’m sure I could round up some friends to remedy
that. He finishes at 1:39. Alton flies around, finishing at 1:59 and getting a
group hug from the team. At least RW can openly display affection for each
other. Final times: RW 4:43, RR 6:10. Don’t ask me why Dave wasn’t shown. I got
him finishing at 5:20. Once again: I have no life. Norman (with bright red
shades) explains that with Cara and Sarah getting disqualified, things are
looking good for RW.
Jonny awards the $10,000 check to RW, which is picked up by Coral and
Irulan. Current banks: RR $80,0000, RW $50,000. Jonny then hands out immunities
to Adam and Alton. In past recaps, I got confused, calling it a “Lifesaver”
when it should have been “Eyesaver.” You know what? It’s the Plate of
Protection. It’s simple, it doesn’t cater to sponsors, and it’s easy to initial
(PoP). Alton interviews that RW is in the game. We get a close-up of Sarah,
zooming back to see Adam with his arm around Rachel. Jonny sends both teams to
figure out who goes into the Gauntlet.
RW Meeting. Irulan feels like the inevitable time has come and she
volunteers herself. Alton doesn’t agree, since she’s his girlfriend. Once
again: Mike never copped to that with Trishelle. “I can’t do it,” Alton
interviews. “There’s some others I can think of to go to the Gauntlet.” Irulan
asks for an alternative and Alton offers himself. Coral reminds us that the PoP
forbids him from going in this time. Irulan tells Alton that she wants to go
out with some pride. The team gathers for the usual cheer, with Mike babbling
about the “element of surprise.” They cheer... notice that RW displays some
semblance of unity, at least on-camera.
RR Meeting. The tension is thick. It’s not like MTV ran a commercial with
Sarah hanging upside-down in the Gauntlet to ruin the ending. Oh, wait... they
did. Never mind. After an awkward silence, Adam rambles on, “apologizing” for
the team losing four physical missions, and how he “prepared [his] ass off.”
His latest t-shirt: “I’m a Pony!” He’s actually getting set to sell shirts from
his web site. Theo V. is ticked about people who finished
with a smile after getting disqualified. Why doesn’t he just say “Cara”? “I’m
not feeling that same vibe,” he continues. “If you’re hitting the bottom and
you’re disqualified, something should be wrong with you.” Cara asked if she did
laugh, and Theo (and the replay) confirms it. Now Cara is pissed. “You can’t
speak for me,” she snipes at Theo. “Don’t point fingers and don’t say that you
think that I’m feeling a certain way when you don’t even know.” Theo figures
she could’ve tried harder. Veronica blahs about the importance of not giving
up. Sarah, defensive shields at the ready, thinks she didn’t quit. Veronica
claims she didn’t say that, and she’s not pointing fingers. Adam wants people
in the final mission with “different intensity.” I have no clue.
And now, it’s time for me to rip Adam with the power of numbers. “It’s
blatantly clear that Sarah is the weakest player,” he repeats. “If she wasn’t
there, then we wouldn’t have gotten disqualified.” What a jerk. First of all,
the team lost. Get your words straight. Second, if Sarah had finished the
course, it wouldn’t have been enough. Cara and Sarah would have needed to
finish under the combined time of 10:55. Also, if Roni had done better,
finishing under 5:38, the DQs would not have mattered. Why don’t you ride on
Roni? Because she’s not your whipping girl. So don’t think that Sarah is the
one bad thing holding you back from ultimate bliss, you pitiful Jamie wannabe.
For my readers: I’d show the calculations here, but I got enough to write
about. E-mail me if you want the exact methods.
Sarah speaks up, telling her team she’s feeling the effects from slamming
into the wall. “My back hurts,” she says, “and if you send me in, and I’m doing
a Deadman’s Drop, there’s a solid chance you’re going to lose a team member
today.” That was weak. Rachel does everything in her power not to dance for
joy. More silence. Adam: “Like I was wrong to say, ‘Everybody, go in there and
do your best.’” Ugh. Veronica: “We’re not playing games, we’re competing, okay?
So it does count to win.” Everybody starts to vote. Sarah and Cara don’t look
happy.
Adam collects the votes. Theo voiceovers voting for Sarah. He rips off
Cara’s head, and he votes for Sarah? I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what
goes on in that guy’s head. Adam reads off the votes. The third person thrown
in is Veronica, so I’m guessing the anti-Axis faction kept Roni out of the
final vote. Cara admits to voting for Sarah, since she doesn’t want to vote for
herself. Adam keeps reading off three-bombs in Sarah’s name. Veronica adds the
totals, and guess what? Sarah’s going to the Gauntlet. How happy is she? “I’m
getting fed up with the fact that I’m constantly being considered completely
dispensable by our team.”
Gauntlet. Rain. Jonny does his spiel as Irulan and Sarah try and keep warm.
Irulan rolls the die and it comes up Deadman’s Drop. “This is ridiculous,”
Sarah snipes to the camera. “Why can’t we wait until the morning when it’s not
raining?” Rachel snipes that Irulan has to do the same thing. Darrell actually
nudges Rachel back while Sarah gripes some more. “It’s hard for me not to take
it personally,” she interviews, “that there’s a lot of people out there who are
waiting for me to fail.” Cut to Sarah with Adam behind her. “And Adam is at the
top of the list.” He’s at the top of my list, too. He tells her that Irulan got
as banged as she did. “Yeah,” Sarah replies, “she also weighs 65 pounds.” RW
does a group cheer. Irulan interviews that Deadman’s Drop is Sarah’s event.
Jonny goes over the exposition. Since this is the fifth time, I won’t go over
it again.
Both players get into position and Jonny blows his whistle to start the
game. The editors break out the effects from the Coral/Tina match. Elapsed
time: 15 minutes. Irulan looks at Sarah. I guess Coral has been teaching the
Evil Witch Eye to her. RW claps. Elapsed time: 32 minutes. RR stares; Sarah
probably told them to keep quiet, like the time she faced Matt. Elapsed time:
46 minutes. Theo V. bounces around. “If Sarah wins her fifth Gauntlet,” he
voiceovers, “there’s going to be a lot of kids in the water.” Coral yells at
Irulan as she bends her legs over the bar. Coral interviews that Irulan is
trying to win for the team and to stay with Alton.
The pinging comes back. Sarah: “Sometimes, they actually really want me to
win, and sometimes they were hoping I’d lose.” Adam stands with his arms folded
and I still think he’s trying to make Sarah lose with his mind. More pinging.
The camera is upside-down as the water drips up off Sarah’s body. A piano plays
softly. “This entire trip for me has been completely about personal
redemption.” Cut to the RR guys, with their shirts off. Adam still has his arms
folded. “It’s more than anything, the fact that I’m capable of better than what
I put out there a lot of the time.” More pinging. The guys keep watching. “How
many times can I disappoint myself before it starts hitting me that I can do
better?. I just want to be proud of me.”
This is what went through my mind as Sarah was talking: No. Not like
this. The only reason she’s reflecting is because she lost. She drops, the Axis
of Ass wins. Sad, right? I’ve grown attached to a lot of people on past
series: Judd, Sarah Becker, Melissa, Dorothy, John Vito and Jill, and Rupert,
among others. I know it’s stupid to be a raving fanboy. But I see a lot of myself
in Sarah, and the prospect of her going down was too much to bear.
Irulan is struggling. Suddenly, my attitude does a 180-degree turn. Alton
yells for her to fight. Adam slowly goes nuts, waiting for the finish. Finally,
Irulan drops. Elapsed time: 48 minutes. Game over. The RR guys dive into the
pool. There’s a slow-motion shot of Sarah lowered into the water, while Darrell
does a cannonball into the pool, splashing her. That seems appropriate. On the
RW side, Irulan cries, comforted by the guys. Adam and Dave carry a fatigued
Sarah away. Irulan shakes and cries some more.
Theo V. jumps around, his stuff flopping around. Seriously, it looks
painful. Something for the ladies... and a few of the fellas. Soon, I’m able to
make out what Theo is yelling: “GO HOME!” Oh, that’s nice. He interviews that
Irulan caused a lot of trouble, “She’s been such an awful sport,” Cara adds,
“we just feel she deserves it.” Looks like RR hasn’t forgiven her for using her
clapper during the Sarah/Matt Gauntlet. Theo yells to Alton,
telling him to help his girlfriend pack. Damn. And Theo has been so good
lately. In Sarah’s recap of Mud Bath, she mentioned a dust-up between
those two that didn’t make the air, so I guess Theo feels the need to rub it
in. Immediately, Alton wants to squash the swamp rat and Nathan has to keep him
from making the team lose another player. Sarah interviews that it hurts her
feeling that her teammates feel the need to bitch out RW to celebrate. Adam and
Rachel heap huge, hollow praise on her. She’s probably too tired to punch Adam
in the nuts. “We couldn’t even say anything,” Adam tells her. “We couldn’t
cheer you on because you were perfect!” Yeah, whatever. Alton warms Irulan up.
He interviews that RR has a false air of team spirit around them. “They’re not
all there with her,” he adds. “Every one of them are scared to see the
Gauntlet.” Nathan: “It is false to cheer for somebody you vote to the Gauntlet
five times and jump in the water, like, ‘Oh, we love you. Thanks for saving our
ass again.’ You’re full of [bleep].”
Indoors. Sarah is shivering, as her teammates declare tomorrow a holiday
from voting Sarah into the Gauntlet. That’s so nice of them, considering
there’s only one Gauntlet left. Darrell starts up, “Who’s the big winner
tonight?” Yes, he sounds like he’s talking to a dog, but RW did the same thing
with Mike. The only difference: Sarah doesn’t cock her head to the side like a
tool and slide a Miz cap on her head. “It would fell really great if we win,”
she laughs. “I am not a winner! I haven’t been a winner my entire life!”
Cut to Theo G. and Mike at the table. Theo gives Sarah props for winning,
knocking on the table. Mike knows that she’s been screwed over. How about that?
This chick took out five of their teammates, including Mike’s main squeeze.
She’s the biggest reason RW will go into the final day at a disadvantage... and
they don’t hate her. “I’ve never been in a position where I’ve had control of
anybody,” Sarah interviews. Alton hugs Irulan once last time before escorting
her out. “I’ve sent five people home. I’ve taken this experience away from five
people. I don’t really know how I feel about it all. I still feel really
confused and heady.” The camera zooms on her, as she covers her mouth and gives
a slight smile. With the glasses on, she’s adorable.
Next week: Jonny welcomes everybody to Dukes of Saturn. Basically, it’s two
cars, a ladder between them, and a few hundred feet from the ground. If you
listen closely, you can hear Melissa mutter, “Oh, hell no!” Coral worries that
since she’s the last girl, she’ll go to the Gauntlet if she doesn’t do well.
Theo V. tells Adam that Veronica is conniving and not good for the team. Adam:
“Veronica needs to prove herself. Her attitude is pissing people off.” Hey,
better this from Adam than having him beat up random residents for not being
able to lose Sarah. Veronica straddles the ladder as her teammates count down.
She interviews that people want her to go and she has to do well. The best
part? No Sarah in there. Hoo-RAH!
Better theme song: “Let Go” vs. “Rock Star.”
Worst villain: Puck vs. Adam. Biggest heroine: Ruthie vs. Sarah. Biggest blast
from the past: Antoine vs. Roni. Cooler voting process: Inner Circle vs. the
Gauntlet. How does
Battle of the Sexes fare against The Gauntlet? Send me your feedback
on the past two seasons at {REDACTED]. So much to talk about. You'll notice that I had a recap from Sarah's site linked, and that was visible through Archive. I don't know how to get the one related to this episode. From what I remember, she had major leg pain from her battles with David and Matt in the Gauntlet, and the production staff had to give her painkillers. I don't think it was quite enough to handle hanging upside-down against a woman who was lighter than either guy, even if you figure God was trying His darnedest to hold Matt above the water.
As for afterward . . . it turned out the staff congratulated Sarah for her win, and -- if I remember correctly -- they had been referring to Alton and Irulan as "Bobby and Whitney." DAMN. That was not a compliment. I laughed, though, because I HATED RW: Las Vegas. I mean, I liked Brynn, and I'd grow to appreciate Arissa, but the other five could soak their heads. Especially Steven Hill, the poor man's Stiffler. I'll be "covering" him in Battle Of The Sexes 2.
I did not notice Theo flopping around under his shorts until people on the Television Without Pity forum pointed that out. I don't think it's a phobia thing for me. I just don't notice stuff like THAT. Like the episode near the end of RW: Philadelphia where Landon is lying down with a girl, and he has a visible boner. That went over my head the first time.
Getting back to Sarah's site . . . you'll notice that Roni did not get put into Road Rules' voting process. I was wondering why that was the case because of her time on Vertical Limit. Well, when she was rappelling, she missed a few flags. Rather than take the penalty, she climbed up the mountain face to retrieve them. Also funny: this past Tuesday, MTV ran a special on ass-kicking women in Challenge history. Naturally, nobody from before the TJ Lavin era made the list, as they only went back to The Duel (specifically, Diem taking off her wig). However, Mike was hosting, and he brought up the time Roni beat him in Rolling On A River. That felt like the most random shoutout ever. I liked Roni. I never had a problem with her. I enjoyed meeting her at Calico Jack's, but I would never have expected anybody but the most diehard fans to remember her. If she's reading this, I'd want her to let her know that I still remember. Also, for smiling as I tried to push Reality News Online and my recaps on her. Hey, I needed validation. I still do.
Finally . . . last week, I mentioned how crappy my timing was in regards to reminiscing about Danny Dias. I forgot to post about a target of far greater ridicule for me: Rachel Robinson. In my mind, she is the most overrated Challenger in the show's history. All muscle, no hustle, and the lucky champion of two seasons. Also, she was at least 33.3 percent responsible for taking chunks out of Tonya's soul in Inferno II. Anyway, the gal I have taken to calling "Butterface" announced that she is pregnant with twins. I don't know the logisitics with her partner, and it's probably none of my business. In the interests of trying to resemble a human being, I wish the couple luck. Heck, if it turns out her RV buddy Shane was the donor, I'm be greatly amused. And I would not seek out the twins in a decade's time to tell them what I thought of their birthmother. Now . . . if they seek ME out and ask my opinion? I'm not going to lie. Hey, somebody has to explain why Rachel wakes up screaming, "EMILY, NO!!!!!!"
