Battle Scars: From the Gauntlet to the Inferno

Welcome to the start of my recaps for The Inferno. Sort of. In case you did not read the last few entries, MTV decided not to hold a reunion covering the events of The Gauntlet. Instead, they spent thirty minutes going over that season and hyping The Inferno, which would air the following week. Once again, the drama overlap seems so quaint as compared to the thirtieth season currently airing on MTV, where being "dirty" is an essential prerequisite.

Airdate: January 26, 2004 
Recap Published: February 1, 2004

We take one last look at The Gauntlet, one good look at The Inferno, and one lingering look at the various drama kings and queens who play the game.

Looks like my preview article wasn’t redundant after all. This episode abandons the old format, where the show’s host and a cast member talk up the season. Instead, we get a final look back at The Gauntlet, and a quick peek into The Inferno. Also, I get to tell some people to shut up one last time. I do that a lot.

Scenes from Gauntlet. Scenes from Inferno: Guys trashing a room with guitars, paintballs, bungee jumping, running on a wall, exercise bike, giant dominos, and David naked.

Voiceover Guy talks about sunny Acapulco and a $12 million house. “All quiet and serene,” VOG notes, “until The Inferno comes to town!” Players cheering upon arrival. Guys wrestling with each other, Katie going on a bitch fit. Coral and Mike argue. Guys do damage with guitars. Julie squirts lotion on Jeremy. Ace helps Syrus with his chicken costume. Abram wrestles somebody. Katie and Veronica fight. Katie: “This game is so [bleeping] nasty.” Zip line mission with Katie kicking and screaming. Bridge bungee. Guys with their heads in bug-filled boxes. Abram says he’s done. He’s wearing a mohawk for some reason.

Voiceover Guy tells us that before we get into The Inferno, we have to take care of Gauntlet business. Clips time! Theo V. tells Alton to help Irulan pack. Roni takes a picture of Abram, Rachel R., and Veronica in the tub. Coral can’t believe Mike sent her to the Gauntlet. Coral almost dies during Gold Rush. Theo G.: “We’re Real World. Keep it real.” I’m sorry... what show are you on, again?

Voiceover Guy drops by one last time to tell us to get to the source of the RW/RR rivalry. Cut to Day One and Mike saying, “Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!” Upon reflection, I prefer Jisela’s opener from Battle of the Seasons: “MTV, kiss my ass, because I’m not afraid of heights!” Mike interviews that RW is full of drama kings and queens. Coral thinks RW is more popular and that RR is “the red-headed stepchild.” Rachel R.: “I think they feel superiority over Road Rules, and I think Road Rules has to continue to kick their ass in every single mission until they get it.” Trishelle figures that RW has more fun, while RR is more concerned with competition. Katie thinks that RR has more rivalry within itself.

Title card: “Boys vs. Girls.” Coral interviews that the guys voted off the women, thinking that would help them. Sarah thinks it was weird seeing Adam’s anti-women interviews. Cut to Adam telling Dave and Theo V. that they should vote off the women. Katie becomes the first person to tick me off by saying some women, especially Sarah, let it happen. She continue, “Me, I was like, ‘I went already. Eat [bleep].’” Hey, Katie? Maybe if you didn’t waste your energy bitching out your teammates, you would’ve beaten Rachel B. Rachel R. considers the women to be the backbone of the RR team. Clips of Veronica and Roni winning missions back her up. “I wasn’t trying to vote off the girls,” Abram interviews. “If I had a team of Amazonians [sic], I’d be like, ‘Make me some money, man.’” Veronica: “It’s not like they were trying to have all boys. I’m sorry, but not all girls are strong.”

Segue to the next segment: “Road Rules vs. Sarah.” In a nice touch, the editors pipe in “Where Is the Love?” by Black Eyed Peas. Sarah laughs about how there were three teams: RW, RR and herself. Cut to Jonny calling her up to the Gauntlet five times. Mike thinks that RR copped out by going after an easy target. Veronica: “If one of our weakest players - Sarah - keeps coming back because she wins in the Gauntlet, she’s still our weakest. It doesn’t change that.” Rachel R. snipes about Sarah getting disqualified several times. Cut to Sarah dropping the cat in Inferno. Rachel: “She was complaining.” Cut to Sarah telling the team that her back hurt. “She quit on us.” Cut to Sarah, unable to move up the rope in All or Nothing. How many Roadies actually completed that mission? One. “And those are characteristics that when there’s $150,000 on the line, you don’t mess with. You send that person into the Gauntlet.” Dear Lord! Sarah’s still out there! Her underachieving will destroy us all! It kills me that I saw Rachel love Sarah last week, and now she’s badmouthing her all over again.

Trishelle: “If I would have been on the Road Rules team, I would have put Sarah in the Gauntlet every single time, every time. She sucks as a competitor.” First of all, I have to laugh anytime I hear Trishelle say the word “suck.” Second, I’m guessing somebody is a little bitter over her Gauntlet loss to the sucky competitor. Third, notice that Trishelle says that exactly as Adam would have. More on that later. Coral is proud of Sarah. “Gauntlets suck,” Sarah interviews. “I can’t put it any more simply than that. They just really blow. They both suck and blow. I don’t like them, I don’t ever want to do them again, ever.”

Next segment: “Friendship vs. Competition.” In previously unseen footage, Nathan argues with a hot-tubbing Katie. “I swear to God,” she shouts, “if she fell down, I would help this bitch up in a second.” The camera pans past Adam to Trishelle. Mike interviews that he takes friendship out of the game and looks at performance. Katie claims that RR took issue with her friendship with Trishelle. “We’re roommates and friends first, way before the shows,” she continues. “Fortunately, I like Real World people better, not because they’re on The Real World, but because they’re nicer people.” Coral notes that Katie and Trishelle traded secrets. “As soon as the competition starts,” Katie says, “that’s when the friendliness dies.”

“Road Rules vs. Alton & Irulan.” Cue the Irulan/Sarah Gauntlet. Coral interviews that RR booed Irulan when she was announced, and that set the tone for the nastiness. Irulan falls into the water, sealing Sarah’s win. Coral adds that Theo V. yelled “Ding dong, the witch is dead!” That’s harsh. Clip of Theo screaming “Go home!” and Nathan holding back an angry Alton. “Alton was ready to beat Theo down,” Mike interviews. “Back in the house, we basically had to keep him in the basement because he was looking for Theo. He wanted to basically kill Theo.” Sarah says that Alton and Irulan had been yelling at production all the time. She didn’t bring up getting hugged by a production member for wasting Irulan in the Gauntlet , which she discusses on her web site. Cut to Irulan making noise with her clapper, then threatening to drop Veronica. Sarah adds that RR would lash out at RW. “After a while,” she continues, “it became this giant feuding extravaganza.” Rachel considers Alton and Irulan a team within a team, which she thinks wasn’t good. Trishelle: “You can definitely use relationships with people to manipulate the game.” The sad thing is, I bet she’s not even thinking about herself.

Cut to Abram getting greeted in the bathroom by Veronica. Oh, no. “Veronica & Rachel & Abram vs. The Censors.” Trishelle interviews that Veronica’s butt was on the line, and she had to do something. Mike figures that Veronica knows how to play the game. Veronica correctly points out that Abram had already been bounced out of the game. Cut to Abram and the ladies hitting the shower. “Maybe they were trying to get votes?" Abram ponders. “I’d like to think no. If they were, all the more power to me.” Rachel notes that Abram was already gone, and she and Veronica would never vote for one another. “For us to have sex with each other,” she says, “it didn’t really matter at that point.” Rachel adds that Dave wanted to join in on the fun. Abram thinks that the scene was kept “a little too PG-13.” Cut to Veronica in the tub, her arms positioned between Abram’s legs. That’ll give you nightmares. Abe says that he was so proud of himself. Yeah, he would be. “I would not take back one minute on that show,” Rachel concludes. “If you ask me if I regret the threesome? Never.”

After commercials, we move into rivalries. First up: “Katie vs. Veronica.” In previously unseen footage, Katie bitches out about Veronica to the guys. Mike interviews that he’s never seen anybody hate each other more. Trishelle notes that the rivalry started when Katie thought Veronica voted for her. Cut to the altercation, where Katie loses whatever cool she had. She claims that Veronica manipulates a lot of people. Veronica replies that it wasn’t true. Katie then sheepishly admits that she was told Veronica didn’t do it, and Veronica tells us that she wasn’t impressed by Katie’s off-camera apology.

“Coral vs. Trishelle.” “Coral?” Trishelle gripes. “What a bitch!” Turns out Coral talked about Mike and Trishelle having sex before their first kiss, after she got into the bike accident. Coral interviews that Mizchelle would be lying if they denied having sex during the season. She adds that Trishelle “just bit off more than she can chew with me.”

“Mike vs. Trishelle.” Say what? Mizchelle is no more? Do I want to live in such a cruel world? Anyway, Mike tells the story: the day they came back from Telluride, she told him that she wanted to flirt with two of her exes at a party, and he couldn’t get mad. Mike continues, “I look at her, and I’m like, ‘This isn’t gonna work, is it?’” Trishelle tells us that after the break-up, she got back with Adam, and that pissed Mike off, since Mike and Adam hate each other. I did read about Trishelle and Adam, but hearing it out loud makes me sick. No wonder Trishelle sounded like him while bashing Sarah. “Who goes out with Trishelle?” Coral wonders. “‘Trishelle is my girlfriend?’ That doesn’t really work.”

“Coral vs. Trishelle vs. Mike.” Coral claims she wasn’t mad at Mike for dating Trishelle. Trishelle figures that Coral was jealous that Mike wasn’t paying attention to her. Coral: “It was Mike being hypnotized by her vagina, and treating me like [bleep].” Trishelle insists she didn’t turn Mike against Coral. “He just liked me more than her,” she adds. Cut to Gauntlet voting, where everybody voted for Trishelle, while she and Mike voted for Coral. “It was hard to vote her off,” Mike admits with a comically pained look, “so I didn’t.” Coral: “He was more willing to let me, his friend for three years, go home than to let his free [bleep] go home.” Mike admits to making a mistake. “Coral just gives you an eye for a second,” he adds, “and that will affect you for a week.”

“Coral vs. the Spider.” Clips of Gold Rush and Coral’s breakdown. She interviews about going into shock and being unable to breathe. “For somebody who’s deadly allergic to spiders,” Sarah chimes in, “she made it really, really far.” Mike didn’t believe her, opting to wait to see the episode. Rachel claims that Coral filled out paperwork about her allergy prior to filming. “Give me a break!” Trishelle snots, not endearing herself to me in any way. “Everybody knew she was lying. And even if she could have had a spider bite, she made it more than it was.” It’s amazing that Trishelle never got into nursing. Mike claims that Coral manipulated the team, arguing how strong she was. Clip of her collapsing. “We were pissed,” he adds. “We should have won that.” Sarah figures that RW would have won if they left Coral behind at the very beginning. Coral interviews that if she knew about the bite, she would have told her teammates to leave.

Sarah adds that Coral needed shots, and her leg got swollen. “I didn’t see it,” Mike notes with a sheepish grin. “I was over at Trishelle’s hotel.” Rachel thinks that it’s mean how RW had no sympathy for Coral. Sure, but had Sarah been bit and affected, Rachel would have smacked her. Cut to Nathan bitching out Coral. For the last time: shut up, Nathan. Coral says that nobody visited her at the hospital, and Mike was sleeping with Trishelle when she got home. Actually, in the Inferno on his web site, Mike claims that a nurse called him and said that Coral would be released soon, so there was no point for a visit. Sarah giddily reveals that Coral didn’t get bit during the mission, but while she was taking care of business in the bushes. “So we learned a valuable lesson,” she laughs. “Don’t piss in the woods.” Mike interviews that Coral’s hands were shaking at the wrap party from all the adrenaline pumped into her, and thinks maybe she did get bit. Coral still loves Mike, and hope he’ll be at her side in Inferno.

Before the commercials, we get a look at the Inferno site, which looks like Torquemada’s meditation room, with the torches and darkness. Cut to Coral wearing a t-shirt that says, “Melissa Will Kill You.” More on that later. Coral: “I’m gonna make Trishelle one that says ‘Infern-ho.’” She cackles, and Mike busts a gut.

Enough Gauntlet stuff... it’s time to get burned! Cast members arrive in Acapulco on boat. Abram flashes two middle fingers. “If there’s a Lord in Heaven,” Coral shouts skyward, “let Abe fall off the top boat!” Roll call: Abram, Ace, Christena, Coral, Darrell, CT, Jeremy, Julie, Holly, Leah, Katie, David, Kendal, Mike, Shane, Syrus, Veronica, Mallory, Timmy, Trishelle. Leah notes that everybody is friends already, and they tell her to cherish the quiet moments which will be gone soon. Mike adds that at the beginning of every Challenge, people don’t fight. “I see this is going to be boring,” he adds. “Then about a week or two into it... oh. My bad. I almost forgot... this is The Real World and Road Rules.”

Cut to guys fighting. Mike: “So you did lie to me!” Abram curses. Julie: “When I hear her voice, it makes me want to go home.” I instinctively reach for my wallet, willing to pay for her departure. Coral: “She cannot be talking to me like that!” David jumps around naked. Weird note: David looks like Antoine now. Maybe Mr. Nascah went metrosexual on us.

Coral interviews that Inferno will be intense, since some people hate each other. Cut to Katie yelling at Veronica. Actually, “yelling” is too small a word. “SHUT THE [bleep] UP!” Katie screeches. “YOU ARE A SHORT, SCRAWNY, ACNE-FACED [bleep bleep]!” And she flips the bird. Oh, I get it... David’s trying to be Antoine, and Katie wants to be Belou. Abram: “They wouldn’t bring them back if they didn’t think they would get some good [bleep] on them, man. It’s gonna be good drama. Katie: “[Bleep] YOU!”

Trishelle interviews that a lot of tension was brought over from Gauntlet. Back to clips: Coral asks Trishelle what she should have done. “Keep your [bleeping] mouth shut,” she replies. Veronica interviews that she thrives on drama. Clip of a mission involving zip lines and not touching a safety line. Veronica is in front, kicking and screaming, while Julie is pulling behind her. I have no idea what’s going on. Afterwards, Julie tells Veronica that she’s just trying to win. Veronica: “Shut the [bleep] up.”

Trishelle doesn’t know why people don’t hate Julie. Cut to Coral wearing the “Melissa Will Kill You” shirt, telling Mike that she’s wearing it for Julie. This is my official position: I am disappointed in Coral. If Melissa was behind it, then I’m disappointed in her as well. The shirt is not needed, because Melissa already killed Julie. Last year, Melissa and Amaya won the first event, cracked the Inner Circle, and kicked Julie’s annoying self out. Also, Melissa is the least threatening person around. I would be intimidated by Coral before Melissa. And yet, I know people who would want that shirt. Heck, I’d buy it and give it to a friend.

Flashback time: MTV salivates as they show Melissa in full-on bitch mode at the beginning of Battle of the Sexes. Trishelle blathers about how it’s all high school bull. Oh, head cheerleader Trishelle has a beef with Coral and Melissa. I’ll be begging Sarah to come back and run Trishelle out again in about a month. Coral: “As long as you’re getting up that ladder, Julie, you can stay as long as you want and win me my money.” Cut to another scene: Julie is blathering about how ineffectually women fight, and she wants to fight like men. David recommends wrestling. Coral’s response? “I don’t wrestle. I [bleeping] beat bitches up!” That has to be the first great quote of the season.

Coral interviews that four people from RW: Paris are here: CT, Mallory, Leah and Ace. Veronica thinks that RR has the advantage, since the Parisians have never had a mission. This is in contrast to Veronica, who has done 37 Challenge events. CT, who looks like he was gang-made-over by the Queer Eye guys, says he profiled everybody, trying to be “behind the scenes.” Abram: “Me and CT get along really well. We’re both assholes.” CT adds that people didn’t know what to think of him, and they were careful what they said around him. Trishelle reveals that Ace is a poor sport. CT gossips about how Ace would change the rules in a card game. He does a pretty good impersonation of his old roommate’s Southern accent. Trishelle interviews that Mallory was bitchier than she expected. Leah says that she went to support Mallory. “When I found out that Leah was going,” CT says, “I kinda figured they’re doing this for the drama.” Cut to CT wearing a bikini and a thong. Immediately, I wash my eyes with bleach. So not a fan of a man-thong. Leah gushes that the ladies were in awe over “his fine ass.” Veronica thinks CT is hot.

Mike: “Yes, you can cross team boundaries to get a little ass.” He’s such a smooth talker. Turns out he’s talking about himself and Kendal; they were friends before Inferno. Cut to the couple kissing and dancing. Coral gets a dig in, saying that she can’t see Kendal screwing Mike over. Coral goes on about how Kendal and Blair (from The Quest) used to date, how Blair and Mike are friends, how Blair and Trishelle are friends... then Coral runs out of steam. Trishelle notes that Kendal used to room with her and Katie. Apparently, Kendal has a high tolerance for pain. “You would expect some sort of loyalty,” Trishelle snots. Oh, shut up and stick to your own love life. Mike: “I just create drama, don’t I?” Katie jokes that her roommates are attracted to the same type of guy. “I like both of them,” she laughs, “and I think if they both stop dating people from the shows, we’ll be fine. It’s so incestuous, it’s sick.”

Veronica interviews that Shane is a loving person. Cut to a topless Shane on the dance floor. Trishelle notes that it’s a challenge to get the gay guy to kiss her. Cut to Shane dancing with and kissing Katie. Veronica thinks that Shane will kiss the girl, but not have sex with her.

Clip of... Darrell and Leah? Say what? It’s not even a racial thing. It’s just the weirdest combination I could ever think up. Coral shares my surprise. Cut to the new couple in the pool, discovering a camera trained on them. Turns out Leah crushed on Darrell during his season. Katie didn’t see the coupling at first. “Yeah, I heard it,” she adds. “They liked my shower a lot.”

Mike interviews that Inferno will be a lot more dramatic than Gauntlet. Leah expositions that the teams vote for two of their own members to face the Inferno. Coral adds that the opposing teams pick each other’s representative to go into the Inferno. No mention of the Lifesaver or the alternating events; either the editors cut that out, or I interpreted the MTV.com description incorrectly. Katie notes her excitement, since she has a lot of friends on the RW side. Abram reveals that RR alternates between voting between males and females; whether this is a team policy or mandatory is unknown. CT rolls his eyes, saying that RW didn’t want to get rid of the women. Leah says that the first Inferno took 30 minutes, and the last one went four hours. Shots of roaches poured into a box, followed by guys with their heads in the boxes. Abram figures that this season will be so much better, television-wise, than Gauntlet.

Closing montage! Close-up of a spider. Close-up of Coral. A guy dives off a balcony and into a pool. Roller skating. Players going up a spinning wall. Abram curses twice. Leah squeals in terror. Busting of furniture. Bungee. Katie is scared to fall. Coral is spinning on a platform, out of paintballs. Chicken suits. Syrus: “I will carry the [Oedipus Rexing] flag to victory.” Somebody gets slimed. Wrestling. Guy bungees. “I [bleeping] hate MTV, man!” Fade to black.

Once again: I was NOT a fan of Katie. Aside from her, Holly and Christena, I didn't change my opinions that much about this cast. I was dead-on about Julie, which you will see almost immediately.

The Gauntlet Episode 17: The Last Roundup

And now, the thrilling conclusion. Well, it was thrilling compared to what I had to deal with in The Inferno. And Battle Of The Sexes 2.

Airdate: January 19, 2004

Recap Published: January 24, 2004 

The season wraps up as both teams complete Gold Rush. Can a depleted Real World team win after losing Coral (pictured)? Will Road Rules suffer for their Gauntlet wins? The journey ends here.

Before I tag and bag this season, I just want to give special thanks to MTV.com. In case you didn’t see it, they had a shot of Coral on the ground, clearly not having a good day. The caption: “Who will win on The Gauntlet? See Coral struggle for life in the final showdown.” I don’t adore her that much, and even I thought that was tasteless. Shame on MTV.

Previously on The Gauntlet: Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds of prologue, all of it from last week’s episode. Given how things end up shaking out, that time could’ve been used better. Here's what we get: Sarah is getting nervous about Gold Rush. Coral starts getting fatigued. Mike goes insane at her flagging health.

We pick things up with footage from last week, where Coral is lying down, Alton is talking to her, and Mike is growling for her to get up. Coral wants to be left behind, interviewing that she blacked out and things were beyond her control As Mike lifts her up, we get the same surreal camera shot that ended things last week. When it’s adjusted, Mike and Alton are supporting Coral. Mike calls to Norman, asking him for his opinion. Norman interviews that the team will have to eat the ten-minute penalty, and makes an executive decision to leave her. Coral waves her teammates away. As Nathan gets informed of the decision as he runs out in front.

Gold Digger. Nathan starts digging for the lock box, and RR is still at it. Adam and Theo are on shovel duty while the others take a breather. Dave interviews that they’re exhausted and they’re trying to get oxygen. Sarah gets her back massaged by Veronica, who tells her that she can breathe all she wants tonight. Yeah, or else Sarah might waste her time solving dirty crossword puzzles with Theo. No, I’m still not letting that go. “Ten minutes is a long, long time,” Mike interviews. “We have to make that up now, because Coral couldn’t handle it.” Finally, Darrell pulls up the box, while Adam and Veronica snag the puzzle pieces. RW gets their box, as Mike and Alton smear the camera lens with dug-up dirt. Hope the cameraman got hazard pay.

While this is going on, a woman slowly walks up to Coral with an oxygen mask. Back at Gold Digger, Alton grabs the box. Coral gasps into the mask. Nathan interviews that RW has to catch up to RR and beat them by at least ten minutes. He adds, “It seems our backs are against the wall at this point.”

Coral, now on the brink of tears, is getting attended by two medics. She interviews that she can’t breathe, the sight in her left eye is gone, and her toes are numb on her right foot. She continues to gasp for air.

RR runs towards the next obstacle, Dough-Nut. Turns out I overestimated how tall it was last week. It’s only a few feet off the ground, but the problem is that only one person at a time can go through it. Immediately, RR starts lifting themselves through the tire. Sarah interviews that they’re hauling ass, but RW is even with them. Adam gasps that they’re going too slowly.

Darrell is worried about Cara, Sarah, and Veronica. Why doesn’t he ever think about Rachel like that? It's not like she’s any better in missions. “I don’t wanna hear just because one of them dropped out you can now,” Darrell interviews. “We're all gonna finish this together.” RW goes through the tire just as RR leaves. Mike interviews that RW has four strong guys, and they will catch RR. Both teams walk and jog to the next stage.

Elsewhere, Coral is still gasping for air. You know, I sometimes want bad stuff to people to people that I can’t stand. Coral’s ordeal might make me rethink things in the future. A medic calls in the emergency. The lady thinks Coral is suffering an allergic reaction, and asks for an Epi-Pen. To the uninitiated: if you are in Coral’s situation, you jam the Epi-Pen into your thigh. It provides you with a dose of adrenaline to keep you from going into shock before you go to the hospital. Having been to the hospital under lesser circumstances, I can tell you that an Epi-Pen is NOT something you screw around with. One of the medics asks Coral if she’s allergic to anything, and she shakes her head. But soon, she’s able to gasp “spider.”

The medic tells her to calm down. We switch to a camera on the ground. Coral is still gasping. “Stay with us,” the medic tells her. “Try to breathe.”

Another medic: “She stopped breathing on me.” Fade to commercial.

Coming back, the editors replay the last few seconds. Cut to the contestants running. Back to a guy calling an ambulance in. More running. Mike screams for his team to hustle. Rachel interviews that the teams are neck and neck. “But there’s one very important detail,” she smiles. “They don’t have Coral.” One of the medics talks to Coral.

Next obstacle: Loop the Loot. A puzzle piece is floating in the middle of the pond, and the teams must retrieve it using ropes on both sides. Adam yells directions to Theo as they slowly pull the piece. Nathan and Mike follow suit on their piece. Mike interviews that he has a fear of losing, but he’s willing to go into that fear. Theo and Adam get their piece to move on. Theo interviews that RW has five people and they can pass RR quickly. I’m guessing that interview was conducted before the mission.

Adam runs and yells at his teammates to go. Meanwhile, Nathan is cursing Mike for pulling on the rope too much. Eventually, they manage to grab their piece. The editors pipe in Missy Elliot’s “Pass the Dutch,” as RR runs in the lead.

Next obstacle: Goldie-Locks. Nathan expositions that both teams are given the first digit of the three-digit combination that unlocks their box. The other two digits are on the license plates. Teams must unlock the box, get the keys, open the Saturns, and retrieve the pieces. RR lets Dave handle the numbers.

Suddenly, Mike gets his box open, and RW gets the pieces. Dave is still on the box, and Veronica keeps repeating numbers. She interviews, “We could have possibly just lost the mission.”

Final obstacle: Gold Bar, which is Perfect Fit with a golden stand. Mike starts assembling the puzzle. Nathan expositions that RW has to finish and make up the ten-minute penalty. Back at Goldie-Locks, Dave is still having problems with the box. Darrell’s jabbering confirms that about “Mr. Mathematician Dave.” I’d write his whole rant, but quoting Darrell talking is like quoting David scatting. Dave asks one person to call out the numbers. I did the math: they only have 15 combinations. RW is still working at Gold Bar.

Elsewhere, Coral is still in pain. The camera goes inside an SUV. Apparently, there was an ambulance strike that day in Telluride. Coral gets lifted into the back seat, wheezing all the way. The SUV drives off as we fade to black.

“Let me call them out. Six, two, three.” Dave is still on the box. Finally, the box opens on 624, and the team grabs the two pieces. RW is still working on Gold Bar. Both sides scramble to assemble. “This puzzle is mine,” Theo drawls in an interview. “M-Y-N-E.” Hey, it’s just Theo being Theo. He goes on about how Mike nailed the puzzle at the end of Battle of the Seasons to defeat Theo and his RR squad. RW shuffles their pieces. “We need to do this,” Mike interviews. “Time to step it up one notch. I really do feel like we can win this thing still.” Both teams scramble. Nathan is on the ground, throwing up a little.

Hey, we got an Inferno commercial! First, we see the word “dignity.” Cut to a guy in a chicken costume, spitting into a fake chick’s mouth. The kid looks a little like Steve, so I’m guessing it’s Jeremy. He’s the guy who replaced Donell on South Pacific and took part in three missions. I’m still convinced he was a BMP intern. Anyway, “dignity” melts away. Voiceover: “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno. $150,000 to win, a lot more to lose.” Well, at least the network is being up front about things.

Both teams are working, as the wind whips up. Dave interviews that he can’t believe how close they are. Nathan interviews that it will take RR ten minutes to finish because they’ll see RW cross the finish line. Both teams keep assembling. The camera pans around the RR team. Do you remember the Peanuts Christmas special, when the kids wave their hands around Charlie Brown’s crappy tree and suddenly make it beautiful? Well, the RR team does that with the puzzle. One minute, the pieces are everywhere. The next? Perfect fit. Adam interviews that he knew they pulled off a miracle. Mike interviews that his stomach sank. “But like I’ve always said,” he continues, “we’ll always finish. Always.” Slow-motion shot of the RR team rushing for the finish line. Dave voiceovers about not expecting to win. “We had so many more people,” he continues, “we had so many more ways to screw up, we had so many more problems that could have happened. I can’t believe that we won!” Theo is shirtless, screaming, “Oh, my God!” as he dashes. “In the end,” he interviews, “we let go of out differences and we joined hands and we became victorious.”

Airhorn. Game Over. Season Over. Road Rules wins their first Challenge in four years. They immediately collapse in a jubilant pile. Some of them are crying, but no tears come out. Theo screams that they’re champions. “I’m proud of my team,” Adam interviews. “We’ve proven that Road Rules can come together as a really good team, that we didn’t have animosity between each other about alliances, that we can run one of these Challenges and do it right.” I’m guessing the thrill of victory blocked out key memories for him.

Roni leaps into Darrell’s arms. Norman and Adam hug. Mike interviews that this was the hardest mission for him. “That puzzle’s tricky,” he muses, “it’ll get you every time.” Norman and Alton hug, not having any hard feelings. Now Rachel is hugging Sarah, smiling all the way. Let me get this straight: Rachel basically wanted to run Sarah through with a pitchfork from the very beginning. In fact, their friendship got shredded in Tahiti during the Campus Crawl/South Pacific face-off, as chronicled by Sarah on her site. And now Rachel loves her? Whatever... I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with Rachel anymore. “I have to hand it to her,” Rachel interviews of Sarah. “She really pulled through for our team in the end.” Sarah cries about how she’s never won anything before. “I’ve never pushed myself so hard in my entire life,” she interviews, “and I wanted to give up so many times.” I can imagine Adam screaming, “I KNEW IT!” at his TV. Speaking of Adam, he hugs Sarah. Yeah, winning a Challenge can do weird things to people. She continues, “The only person that could control whether I made it to the end or not was me, ultimately.”

Nathan throws a water bottle in disgust. Remember the Cobra Kai sensei at the start of Karate Kid II? Same thing; he ain’t happy with second place, and neither is Nathan. He yells at Alton for not voting Coral into the Gauntlet. Alton wonders what would’ve happened if the team left Coral at the beginning. “She talked a big game,” Nathan bitches, “and didn’t [bleeping] complete it. I’m sorry.” I’ll bet you are. “A lot of people put faith in Coral in this last Gauntlet vote,” he interviews. “The time to shine is today, and it’s really disappointing.” Mike gripes about having to carry her. “Coral quit on us,” he snots. “She quit on our entire team, and it hurts the most that I felt like I got manipulated into believing that she can handle this. That’s what really hurts.” Mike? Shut up. Seriously, you’re whining as badly as Ellen did after she got snowballed by Emily last season. I don’t remember Coral putting a gun to your head.

Hey, it’s the medical place! Coral interviews that she got bit by a spider and had a severe allergic reaction. “I want them to know that I didn’t quit,” she interviews, “and I think that the fact they weren’t there, the fact they didn’t know what happened really affects that. I guess I care more about what they think than I thought I did.” Cut to Norman: “Maybe we shouldn’t really be looking at Coral as the complete scapegoat. My friendship with Coral is much more important than some money and a car.” He can be catty and his grammar is atrocious, but I dig Norman for that. Way to keep things real.

Speaking of which, Jonny awards the $150,000 check to RR, adding it to the $80,000 they banked for a grand total of $230,000. That comes out the $25,556 per person, before taxes. Not exactly the handsome $50,000 per from the last two seasons. Oh, and everybody on RR gets Saturn Ions, which surprises Cara. I guess she hasn’t seen any finale since Challenge 2000. Theo walks up to accept the check, interviewing that he’s going to give money to his mother, and help his brother get a car. Sarah thinks of paying rent on her apartment and getting a job that she wants. “I can stop settling so much,” she adds, “which is what I tend to do.” Jonny also congratulates RW for their $60,000 performance, which breaks down to $12,000 per person. It was worth ditching the likes of Elka, Trishelle and Theo G. after all. “It was a pleasure, you guys,” Jonny tells the players. “Don’t spend it all in one place.” Those were his last words? Weak.

Alton puts things in perspective: “What life are you twenty-two, living in a 9 million dollar, five-story home? This is a dream.” Cut to Mike’s first words getting off the plane: “Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!” It’s flashback time.

We see Elka and Montana in awe heading inside the mansion. The guys drink, while Sarah and Rachel B. look on. “There’s twenty-eight people living in a house,” Veronica interviews. “Things are going to happen, obviously. I mean, why wouldn’t they?” Cut to Veronica and Abram necking in the shower. Blech. Shot of Mike and Trishelle in the hot tub. Sarah defeats David in Deadman’s Drop. Abram and Mike wrestle. RR wins Masquerade. RR piles on Katie after she wins Ride ‘Em Cowboy. Various shots of Mike. “I’ve come away from this Challenge with a bunch of new friends,” he interviews, “a bunch of prizes, and a girlfriend.” Cue the Mizhelle Montage. Double blech. Nathan interviews about doing cool stuff. I can’t wait to see his friend David in Inferno, that’s how sick I am of Nathan. Speaking of Popeye Puss, he shoots down Rachel in Red Baron. Alton bounces off a giant ball in Mud Bath. Shots of the carnage in I Scream and Heavyweight Hustle. RR lifts Roni up after she wins Rolling On a River. Irulan does her 270-degree dive in All of Nothing.

Sarah montage. She outlasts Matt in Deadman’s Drop. She wins Perfect Fit against Trishelle. “I never in my wildest dreams thought I was even going to make it past week two,” she interviews, as we see her win Ride ‘Em Cowboy and get carried off after beating Irulan. “And for whatever reason, I kept fighting.” Shot of Sarah with that damn cake. “Who’da thunk it?” she beams. “Sarah just won a Challenge.” Seriously, I love this girl. She took crap from her team, only a little of which was justified. She was given a chance to stay in the game, and she seized it. Looking at her smile, it’s worth people like Adam and Rachel winning the same money as her. Heck, Veronica coming back for fifths in a few weeks doesn’t bother me as much. At long last, Sarah rocks the house, end of story.

More celebrating by RR. “We are the underdog team,” Rachel interviews. “We all know that it feels like to fail, which is why we are all so happy to succeed. You couldn’t have written it better.” I’m sure I could have. The RR team poses for a group shot with the check and Jonny. Fade to black.

One last item: there’s been speculation on various forums that Coral tanked the last mission; that the spider bite was overblown in order to excuse RW’s loss. Personally, I don’t buy it. I am not Coral’s biggest fan. Her being Melissa’s roommate doesn’t change her bitchy ways in my eyes. And yeah, maybe Alton should have sent her to face Cara in the Gauntlet. But I don’t see a cover-up. This is Bunim-Murray Productions we’re talking about. They couldn’t cover up Tammy Faye Messner’s face with blush, let alone start a conspiracy. Coral’s life was in danger, as least to the extent where she had to drop out. I hope that Mike and Nathan feel six inches tall hearing about her ordeal. Coral went through some genuine suffering, and I felt for her in the process.

So, what’s next?

Monday, January 26: Battle Scars: From the Gauntlet to the Inferno. “You got reunion in my preview!” “You got preview in my reunion!” Hopefully, we’ll find out how Mike reacted upon hearing the full extent of Coral’s ordeal. Also, why would she come back after what happened in Telluride? Since this is filmed in Los Angeles, I'm expecting the usual gang of aspiring actors yakking about the Challenges, as well as a preview for Inferno. Who made the cut? Which rivalries will scorch the landscape? What romances will smoulder the scene?

Monday, February 2: Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno. New location? Check. New host? Check. Two players with thick Boston accents? Check. Girl coming back who didn’t learn her lesson after her ex-roommate took her out last year? Check. Recapper with no job or life, wanting the attention and love of long-suffering Challenge fans? Check and mate. Check out the one-hour season premiere on MTV, and look for my initial thoughts on the cast here at RNO.

 I won't lie . . . I came close to tearing up seeing the Sarah montage. The only other times that's happened to me watching a reality show? John Vito & Jill getting eliminated in The Amazing Race 3, Chip & Kim winning The Amazing Race 5, and John Vito & Jill getting eliminated in The Amazing Race 11. Oh, shut up. Seriously, I was so happy for Sarah. Sure, she got put through the wringer, she went through a lot of pain, and the assholes that made her life miserable got the same amount of money she did, as well as a new car. The lack of risk those people went through was part of my idea to revamp the Challenge. I admit, some of it won't work these days, but more shares in a pot for endgame appearances and excellent mission work should be rewarded.

Also not fair: no reunion special, where an audience of twenty-somethings could have let Sarah bask in their love. Remember, she was voted off RR: Campus Crawl and she flamed out of the faceoff with the South Pacific kids, so a sweet ovation would have capped a remarkable season. In retrospect, that was probably good that it never happened. Thanks to Puck and Emily electing not to come to the Battle Of The Sexes reunion (probably thanks to restraining orders from Ellen and Veronica, respectively), it was a very nice affair. What would we have dealt with? Coral smacking Mike for ripping her, the burning remnants of Mizhelle, and Rachel and Veronica trying to take the high ground against Sarah. Yeah, definitely for the best. Honestly, people cheered when MTV showed Johnny push Sarah Rice-Patterson in the soul at the reunion for Rivals III. She had a point . . . who applauds that?!?

I still believe Coral almost died, as opposed to making a huge deal out of "mere" exhaustion. I still carry an Epi-Pen with me, because I want a fighting chance in the event of a severe allergic reaction. In late 2007, I ate a teriyaki dish for lunch that must have been made with peanut oil. Wound up swelling up when I got back to work, I threw up in the office (on my tenth day, no less), and I had to be rushed to a hospital. I recovered in a few days; I didn't use the Epi-Pen, but if things really got heavy, I would have broken it out. Allergies are no fucking joke. With that said, I hope Mike felt like a little bitch seeing his frenemy almost die on camera. Between that and his relationship with Trishelle failing to work out (which gets covered in the next recap), I'm amazed Coral let Mike anywhere near her in The Inferno. I'd lay the same hate on Nathan . . . but seriously, he probably knew he'd never do another Challenge, because nobody gave a shit about him. In the context of the guys from his Real World season,he's a distant third after his more famous classmate at VMI (David) and Slappy McSlapperslap (Stephen). His greatest moment on BMP was probably on All-Star Challenge, when a young Kobe Bryant asked abut him and his girlfriend. Sad, isn't it?

There's not much else to add. Funny that one of the winners was Dave. He got little camera time, he went into acting, and he played the lead in Grimm. I never got into it, but it's still an impressive feat for a BMP alumnus. Roni also finished her "career," but I don't think many people noticed. The rest of the victorous Road Rules team would return at various points, including Darrell and Veronica in The Inferno.

Truth be told, I thought this was a good season. Had it been nominated for an Emmy, I wouldn't have objected. Not that it deserved to win, because that should ALWAYS go to The Amazing Race, even with the various bells and whistles. Little did I know that the following two seasons would be a slog, and my negativity would not only paint me as the villain in Reality News Online, but also unceremoniously booted and replaced from the site. But that wouldn't be for another year.

Up next: The Inferno. Yellowcard, sucky endgames, the most epic tantrum in BMP history at the time, and the psycho bitch that got booted first from Battle Of The Sexes and had not learned a blessed thing from that. FUN!!!

The Gauntlet Episode 16: Beginning of the End

We're almost there. Please forgive me for the negativity from 2004. At this point, I probably didn't think The Inferno would be a huge downgrade, even though I knew Julie was coming back. I was burnt out on the Sarah abuse, I had thought too hard about whom Alton should send into the final Gauntlet, and I was ready for the end. But that's the messed-up thing about The Challenge: how often do we get an ending where most fans would be happy? Even now, it's usually a mixed bag. In Invasion Of The Champions, CT got his second win, but he showed up with the other champs in the fourth mission, and one of the guys he was facing was Cory, whose theme song might as well have been "Brick" by Third Eye Blind. On the woman's side, friggin' Ashley Mitchell beat Camila and Nicole. Honestly, I could have lived with Camila lucking into a second title over the bitch know as "Smashley." It also hurt that Nicole -- who's probably a good woman even with that accent -- got abused on screen and in forums. Like I said, mixed bag.

Airdate: January 12, 2004
Recap Published: January 16, 2004 

Alton makes his choice, Cara faces her final confrontation, and the teams compete in the final mission. And one player is about to have the worst day ever.

Previously on The Gauntlet: Theo G. tried to finish Dukes of Saturn as best as he could, fearing that the Gauntlet meeting would come down to him or Coral. She also tried her best, and Theo figured that she beat his time by 12 seconds. Jonny awarded the last $10,000 check to Real World, giving them $60,000 to Road Rules’ $80,000. Jonny also handed the Plate of Protection to Alton, putting Theo in danger of being sacrificed. Jonny handed the other PoP to Veronica. Her reaction? Like somebody jabbed her in the butt with a needle. Why did that get stuffed into the prologue? It’ll get lopped off in marathons. Veronica interviewed that she would’ve been sent to the Gauntlet if she hadn’t won the PoP. In the RR Meeting, Cara got voted in for the second time, and she hoped that she wouldn’t have to say goodbye. A cloud of angst choked the RW meeting, as Coral and Theo G. split the votes. It all came down to PoP-possessor Alton to break the tie. Would he stick with Coral, or send Theo in? Boy, I’m on the edge of my seat. It’s not like MTV showed us Cara and Coral in the final mission, right? Wait a minute...

RW Meeting. Coral insists she isn’t mad, but says would be unbelievable to her if she had to go into the Gauntlet again. Mike interviews that the pressure is on Alton, who holds the PoP. Alton is still sputtering, still channeling Dave during RR: South Pacific. “Coral is really our overall weakest player,” he interviews, “but I can’t take this opportunity away from her. She’s my friend. It’s an opportunity to win $150,000. That’s huge.” Finally, Alton makes his choice: Theo. “Sex doesn’t matter, man,” Theo interviews, “it’s your performance. Coral’s definitely my girl, and I have been doing a better job than Coral, period. But that’s just how it rolls, man.” Mike and Norman reassure Alton. He interviews that Coral is his girl, and he wants her to have a chance.

Watching this from home, I thought this was a bad idea. Yes, I analyzed the crap out of the situation and figured that Theo would be a better choice. Alton agreed with me, but he based his decision on entitlement, not strategy, which was a huge mistake. Coral already won her giant cardboard check two years ago on Battle of the Seasons. All Theo got from Battle of the Sexes was a number of prizes for being on the men’s side when they won missions. I would’ve sent Theo in because he stood a better chance against a random Roadie than Coral, not because she deserved more of a chance. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. That’s going to be a recurring theme in this and the next recap.

Gauntlet. Jonny welcomes everybody to the final Gauntlet. He reviews: the winner stays to get a share of the team bank, while the loser goes home with nothing. He brings Theo and Cara up to determine the final game. “All I’m hoping when I roll the [die],” Theo interviews, “is that I don’t get Deadman’s Drop. If I get Deadman’s Drop... I’m a dead man.” Just the way he says it, like it’s so obvious, cracks me up. Theo rolls, and his side cheers. Jonny raises the die to reveal Ride ‘Em Cowboy. Cara interviews that she’s a little nervous going in. Theo asks God to “let a brother win” while meditating. They put on the cowboy hats and jump on the bulls. Sarah gives Cara some advice. “In the name of Jesus,” Theo mutters, “let her fall first,” Okay, whatever. Dave interviews that Theo looks better on the bull, and he’s worried Cara won’t win this Gauntlet.

Once again, Jonny declares this to be the final Gauntlet. The remaining RW players stand up, holding hands. Nice show of solidarity there. Jonny blows his air horn to start things off. The bulls slowly start to buck. Adam stares, but not as hard as he did when Sarah was up there. Theo rides his bull, and I see that behind a nearby fence, some misguided soul is holding up a “GO REAL WORLD” sign. Soon, Theo’s bull starts spinning fast, while Cara’s steer moves a little slower. In one of her recaps, Sarah explained that the bulls operated differently for each gender, due to the difference in weight. That must have made some sense on Planet Bunim-Murray at the time. Then again, does anything make sense coming from BMP?

Dave says, “Cara’s doing quite nicely on the bull, and I’m going to give myself some credit for that, if you know what I’m saying.” Oh, yuck. Seriously, that’s way too much information from Dave today. Cara is actually smiling on the bull, while Theo’s ride is clearly possessed. He interviews that he was trying to hang on, but his arms were burning. He’s smacking the bull, while his teammates continue to hold hands. Roni interviews that Cara looks balanced on her bull. Soon, Theo slides off his bull. Game over. As RR celebrates, Coral bitchily mimics their gestures. “So apparently,” Cara declares, “I can ride a [bleeping] bull!” Theo can’t believe he lost. “This was my time to go home,” he interviews. “I’m going home with pride, and I’m going home with dignity. I’m only going home. I ain’t dying.” You know, I take back my fear of Theo coming back as a bastard in a third Challenge. The guy shows maturity, which is a rare commodity in reality show folk these days.

Denouement. Jonny reviews what happened, telling Theo that the loss hurt. You and me both, Jonny. “Theo was probably the best competitor that we lost in the Gauntlet,” Nathan interviews, slathering his body in I Told You So cologne. “I’m sure some of the people that voted for him are kinda questioning their vote at this point.” He does bring up a positive side: with fewer people, RW might have a better chance. Cut to shots of Veronica, Sarah, and Adam spinning a disc, looking like Adam’s off the meds. “Your final mission is on Sunday,” Jonny concludes. “Good luck.”

Back from commercials, I see that Theo G. didn’t get a farewell montage. Finally, I can compare him to Steve without any problems. Anyway, members of both teams celebrate as Coral reads the clues off the sponsor phone. Alton interviews that he feels great, and that his team showed RR that they’re a force to be reckoned with.

Sunset. Sunrise. A graphic tells us it’s the final mission day. RW members stretch and exercise outside. In the mansion, RR members look out to observe. Theo (only one left now) is worried about going into the final mission with more people. He talks to the others, trying to figure out how many Challenges ended with a distance race. Answer: every Challenge since Extreme. Sarah interviews that the others sent her to the Gauntlet because they don’t trust her to follow through in the end. Rachel figures that every mission that RR has lost has been physical in nature. And now it’s time for BMP to drag out the same damn negative Adam clip. “It’s blatantly obvious that Sarah is the weakest player, and that Cara is the second weakest player,” he interviews, clearly not as tired of his voice as I am. “There’s a reason they went into the Gauntlet. We were lucky that they beat somebody else on our team. Are we lucky that they came back?” The guy should consider himself lucky Sarah didn’t follow through with shoving her shoe up his butt. The editors, wacky funsters that they are, follow up Adam’s drone with a shot of Sarah shaking her head.

Final preparations. Alton: “This is the team that I dreamt of having. This is my dream team.” Coral flexes. Nathan says that his team has kicked ass. Darrell: “Today is what counts. Not yesterday, not the day before, not the first day we got here.” Nathan: “Looking on both sides of me right now. I know that I’m not going to be looking over my shoulder and pulling somebody with us.” Poor Nathan. He’s so optimistic right now, it hurts. Adam thinks that his team has weak spots, but they have strong spots as well. Mike speaks for his team: “Road Rules, kiss my ass!” Coral repeats that, while Nathan shows his butt and rubs it.

The teams arrive at the mission site by car. Jonny is wearing some sort of funky white jacket, with a t-shirt underneath. Such a dork. I will miss him, though. He welcomes the teams to Gold Rush, which is worth $150,000. He explains that the entire team must complete it, so the teams are only as strong as their weakest link. Naturally, we cut to Sarah and Cara. Jonny explains that the course is four miles long, and has seven obstacles.

1. The mission starts with a steady 1.3-mile uphill climb. Upon completion, the team will receive a gold piece. Actually, it’s a Perfect Fit puzzle piece with “$10,000” printed on it. Some extra in a cowboy hat holds two pieces, working his one second of fame before we cut to...

2. Gold Block, where the players climb a twelve-foot wall. Once done, the teams get another piece and move to...

3. Cash Crawl, a self-explanatory trek under a cargo net.

4. Gold Digger comes next. Each team gets two shovels to dig a hole. At the bottom is a lockbox.

5. Dough-Nut is a golden tire suspended about eight feet (by my reckoning) above the ground. Players go through that and towards...

6. Loop the Loot. The players must retrieve a piece from the middle of a pond. Next, we go to...

7. Goldie-Locks, which involves Saturns in some way. Here’s a sign: “The key to your SATURN is in your locked box. Road Rules, the first digit to your combination is 6.” Jonny says that the teams must get the key, open the Saturn and move on to...

8. Gold Bar, which looks a lot like Perfect Fit, but with a golden stand and tray. Once done, the teams dash to the finish line for $150,000.

Jonny tells the teams that referees are stationed at each stop to answer questions. Also, if a player is injured, the team can either move on and have ten minutes added onto their time, or they can carry that person with them. Jonny hands out maps to both teams. Rachel interviews that the other girls are her team looked like they saw a ghost. Theo adds that he saw in Sarah’s eyes only that she couldn’t do it. “We have this in the bag,” Mike interviews. “They have Sarah, they have Cara, and they have Veronica. There’s no way they can touch us.” In other words, Mike is begging destiny to give him a wedgie. Theo leads a RR huddle, asking his team to finish together in victory.

Shot of a deer. Jonny gets both teams ready before blowing his air horn for the last time. The deer runs off. Good move. Both teams start to jog, as RR gets a slight lead. Mike interviews that 200 yards into the run, he turns around and sees Coral walking. It’s funny... they’re running uphill, and yet everything is about to go downhill.

We get a shot of RR running, panning left to see Darrell far out in front. He interviews that his plan is to psyche out RW by getting ahead, dubbing himself “Spirit Killer.” I’d go with “Grammar Killer” for him. Coral is still struggling. Cara interviews that they’re 10,000 feet above sea level and it’s hot, so it’s hard to keep a fast pace. Cut to... oh, wow. You know, I thought seeing Matt dance would be the highlight of this season, but this tops it. Adam is carrying Sarah. Let me repeat: ADAM is carrying SARAH. Now, maybe Adam was right about the girls being weak links. Maybe Sarah was wrong in thinking the girls wouldn’t be objects the guys could lug around. Even so, I would’ve paid to see Sarah kick Adam in the butt like he was a pony. “Giddiyap! I did not take out five people so you could slack off!” Instead, she asks if he’s okay and thanks him for the lift. Norman interviews that he’s near Darrell, then looks back to see Mike carrying Coral on his back.

Darrell arrives at the checkpoint, yelling for his team to arrive. Jonny counts the members before handing the puzzle piece to Theo. Adam is still carrying Sarah. Darrell doesn’t want to see RW, and then he gives his back to Sarah, telling her she’s going to finish on her own. I’m guessing Darrell is all about the tough love, but he still irritates me at times. Guess I’ll hold off on final judgment until after Inferno. Sarah rides for a few seconds before hopping off. “I’m exhausted,” she interviews, “out of breath, and totally and mentally incapacitated.”

Commercials. Clips from this episode, set to Linkin Park’s “Numb.” Anybody else feel that’s Sarah’s theme song for this season? Anyway, the finale is next week. I’d settle into a small coma, but Inferno is right around the corner, and somebody has to protect you guys from the evil of BMP.

Nathan is out in front for RW, yelling at his team. Mike is still carrying Coral. “It’s just unbelievable to me,” Nathan grouses, “to see that within one mile of this race, this woman is already done.” Yeesh. Nathan yells for Mike to put Coral down. She walks a few steps, but Alton rushes in front of her and she hops on. Jonny hands the piece to Nathan.

Gold Block. The RR team starts to climb the wall without incident. RW closes in. Mike looks pissed with Coral on his back. RR climbs down the other side. Coral is on Norman’s back. RR keeps climbing. Theo says, “A lot of good teamwork at the wall by the Road Rules team. Adam is such a great captain, and Darrell is so encouraging, it’s a pleasure to be in such an intense atmosphere with these guys.” RR finishes the obstacle and moves on.

Nathan pulls Coral up, interviewing that RW got to the wall just as RR wrapped up. A graphic tells us that RR is only 55 seconds in front. “She’s saying she’s about to pass out,” Nathan gripes in an interview. “She can’t see, she’s tired, she can’t breathe. I can’t see, I’m tired, I can’t breathe either, but I’m not laying on the ground.”

RW continues to stagger to their next destination, with Coral faltering. She interviews that the sight in her left eye is completely gone. Alton tells her to take a knee, only to face the wrath of the Miz. Normally, when Mike goes into Miz mode, it’s supposed to be funny. Right now, it’s not. Mike orders her on his back. Alton thinks she could die, which Mike doesn’t believe. Coral tells the team she’ll catch up, but Mike’s not buying it. His face looks like Eric Bana turning a mild shade of green in The Hulk, a mere minute away from total meltdown. “This is like a nightmare that’s coming true,” Mike interviews. “You never would imagine one of your teammates saying, ‘I can’t do it.’” He wonders if they should leave her, since ten minutes is a long time. Soon, Coral gets on Mike’s back.

RR advances to Cash Crawl. “I don’t care if you’re tired,” Darrell interviews, “I don’t care if your leg hurts, I don’t care if your booty itch. You need to come on. This is for $150,000.” The team goes under the net. Darrell: “Come on, Sarah. Come on, Cara. Come on, Veronica. Come on. Push.” Who knows what he’d be going through if he were on the other team. The team completes the crawl, moving on to the next stage.

Nathan is at the start of Cash Crawl, waiting for the team. Alton is sprinting with Coral on his back. Yeah, he’s officially a rock star at this point. She goes under the net first, with Mike urging her on, “We’re two seconds away from ‘em!” he shouts. “They’re right in front of us!” Graphic: RR leads, 2:04. Coral insists that her predicament is beyond her body. Alton: “Never say never, baby.”

Adam is walking, holding Sarah’s hand. By Rachel and Veronica’s definition, that’s getting to second base! Sarah interviews that she’s getting tunnel vision, only able to see Adam’s shins. Various team members stumble forward. “Guys,” Adam hollers, “I know your bodies are gone. Give me some heart!” I hate to say this, but this is the right time to be on Adam’s team. Roni falls and gets picked up by Dave. Veronica and Rachel stumble. Darrell gets to the start of Gold Digger, but the referee tells him that the whole team has to arrive. The ladies arrive depleted, staggering, and collapsing. Adam reminds the team that he can’t start until everybody arrives.

Back to the RW Doom March. “Let’s go,” Mike mutters. “It’s just a walk.” The inflection in his voice borders on Miz. Norman helps Coral, and she gasps that she’ll give up her share of the money. Mike snaps, “We’re not going to have your share, because we’re not going to win unless you keep your [bleep] up.” Actually, they’re each guaranteed $12,000, before taxes. Nice work, if you can get it and put up with BMP. Coral feels like she can’t breathe. Mike: “You’re telling me Sarah is stronger than you?” Oh, no. Oh, hell no. He did not just take Sarah’s name in vain like that. Norman interviews that Coral keeps saying she’s not as strong as Sarah, and he can’t believe it. Since when is Sarah the line between being an athlete and eating chips in front of the tube? Quick note: I looked at the Inferno roster, and there’s not a single woman there that I’d fawn over. No Melissas, no Sarahs. I don’t know if my bias irritates any of you, but I thought I’d get that out of the way.

Gold Digger. Adam and Theo dig in the hole, frantically trying to find the box. The others have decided to take a breather. Cara interviews that it’s hot and the oxygen level is low. Her body is drenched in sweat. Thankfully, Dave isn’t taking credit for that one. More digging. Nathan arrives. Darrell interviews that the box is buried deep.

Nathan yells that RR is close by. Coral voiceovers that she feels terrible and embarrassed about the situation. She hits the ground again, and Mike still looks pissed. Nathan: “Coral said, ‘If there’s a car involved, I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you for a car.’ You think Coral is just a big talker, she is going do this and that, and then she just quit on you, Nathan? We get it. She’s out of steam; you could go on for miles. You’re the only one left who voted for Coral. We get it. Shut up. And I’m not forgiving you for blabbing to Colin on his web site about how RR sent one person into the Gauntlet five times. “Dammit, Coral should’ve been at that Gauntlet.” Yeah, well what if she won? You think Theo G. would’ve helped you guys out that much? Once again: shut up, Nathan. Coral lies down, and Alton tries to get her up. “We say, ‘Don’t let it get personal,’” Mike interviews, “but no matter what, it always does.” He growls to Coral to get up. Alton wants to stay with her, but she wants the team to leave her. Mike doesn’t want that, and he yells at her. Norman interviews that he’s on the fence over what to do. She feels knocked out. Mike calms down long enough to see if she’s okay. As she gets up, the camera view staggers every which way. Fade to black.

One last gripe before I finish: how unfair is Gold Rush to RR? If Coral were healthier, and/or Theo G. were in there, RW would have had a better shot, since they have fewer people to complete the course. The only stage I can see where more people would be beneficial is Gold Digger, and even then most of RR is electing to take a breather. Shouldn’t RR be awarded for all the times Cara and Sarah sent a RW player home? Here’s my thinking: RR gets a five-minute head start per Gauntlet win from their remaining players. Cara and Sarah racked up seven, so that’s 35 minutes. Next, deduct five minutes from each remaining RW player who won in the Gauntlet. Subtract 15 minutes from 35, and you have 20 minutes for RR to rush in front. Under this system, had Theo beaten Cara in the Gauntlet, her wins would have been wiped out, and RR would have had a five-minute head start (Sarah’s 25 minutes minus RW’s 20). It’s just a sad situation that Cara and Sarah were both voted out of their respective seasons, both crawled back to become the first outcasts to last an entire Challenge, and both could wind up penalizing their own team due to their lack of athleticism. Once again: what else do you expect from BMP?

Next time: It’s the last roundup, buckaroos. We got clips from this episode, as well as some new ones. I’m guessing the finale was supposed to have been an hour long. Sarah looks like she’s going to vomit on Veronica. Coral gets oxygen from a paramedic. More stuff from today’s episode. Two referees administering to Coral say, “She stopped breathing.” Of course, we’ll probably be laughing in relief a few weeks from now, but this is some intense stuff.

I know, I tend to overthink the format of this show. In retrospect, a twenty-minute headstart would have made the finale so much less interesting. I don't think Wes or Jodi lost the leads they started with in The Duel (please correct me if I'm wrong). Still, it felt like Road Rules would get bogged down by more moving parts . . . which is precisely what happened to the Bad Asses in the finale of Inferno II. And if you're like Adam, "moving parts" equals "women that don't kowtow to my superior masculinity." If Sarah had wrote about waking up and finding Adam above her with a pillow inches from her face, I would not have been shocked. I also had issues with Mike and Nathan, but I'll save that for next time.

I totally forgot Theo Gantt got no sendoff. Like we needed the extra 45-60 seconds to listen to Adam grumble about Sarah sabotaging the team, or Mike and Nathan badmouthing Coral. Theo never came back, which was a shame given that he was a good competitor and drama-free. Also, it's funny that he hailed from the one season where Challengers were in the minority. Aside from him, Tonya and Aneesa (still looking for that first win), nobody else from RW: Chicago competed on the Challenge. It's almost a shame Kyle became a soap opera star, because he could have excelled on the show. Then again, he was an asshole and everybody made fun of his ego and "fivehead" (which some also applied to Coral), so maybe that was for the best.

Before I go, here's the video for "Numb" by Linkin Park. I still feel this was Sarah's theme song for The Gauntlet, but I'd be happy to hear any suggestions you might have.

The Gauntlet: What Should Alton Do?

During Battle Of The Sexes, the hemorrhoid that called itself "Puck" decided to take his leave midway through the season. Since denigrating him was a big chunk on why I volunteered to cover the season, I wound up expending brain matter on the circumstances of his departure. That included material from Challenger accounts about how and why he left, as well as him forcing himself to throw up when the women's Inner Circle  voted off Rachel. Aren't you glad I wanted to keep a record of that?

Cut to early 2004. The Real World team had painted itself into a corner, as alpha male Alton (sorry, Mike, you know it's true), had to decide who would go to the final Gauntlet: Coral or Theo. Once again, I put too much thought into what might happen. This was published on January 12, 2004, the day when the results would be shown.

Alton has a choice to make: who to send to the last Gauntlet. At stake: the possible elimination of Cara and a better chance of winning the final mission. Who’s it going to be: Coral or Theo?

Meet Alton Williams. Alton is a member of the Real World team competing in The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet. Throughout the season, Alton has been a top performer for his team, finishing at or near the top in the missions. After two sub-par performances in a row, he volunteered for the Gauntlet, managing to smoke Laterrian in Pole Climb. If ever there was a better example of a RW alpha male, it’s Alton.

As described in my recap of the 15th episode last week, Alton has a dilemma. For completing Dukes of Saturn faster than anyone else on his team, he was awarded the Freshlook Eyesaver, which kept him from being voted into the Gauntlet by his teammates. It also gave him the power to break a tie, should that occur. As Peter Parker once learned, with great power comes great responsibility. And for a team already guaranteed to have a disadvantage going into the final mission, Alton’s decision could be the difference between a $60,000 and $210,000 payday.

On one side is Theo Gantt. A rarity amongst the Bunim-Murray set, Theo left most of his drama back in Chicago. He competed well in Battle of the Sexes, constantly finishing near the top of the standings. He seemed to be a prime contender for the final threesome, until he fell off a stirrups course, plunging him from fourth place to dead last. Since his team established that the last-place finisher would go home, Theo left, and without regret. In Telluride, his performances had not blown away his teammates, to the point where he received votes to go to the Gauntlet. Since then, he has stepped up, performing to the best of his abilities.

On the other side is Coral Smith. In contrast to Theo, Coral brings the drama wherever she goes. She didn’t even unpack her bags before getting in Matt’s face. A member of the winning RW squad on Battle of the Seasons, Coral’s early performances were dismal. The lowest point came when her team, longtime friend Mike included, sent her to the Gauntlet. After defeating Tina in Deadman’s Drop, Coral’s name was kept out of Gauntlet consideration, save for Mike, who wanted to protect girlfriend Trishelle. Coral is the last woman on the RW side, and does not relish the thought of losing a share of her team’s bank with a Gauntlet loss.

In the closing minutes of last week’s episode, Coral and Theo voted for each other. Norman and Mike voted for Theo, while Nathan and Alton chose Coral. Whomever gets selected will face Cara in the final Gauntlet... but it’s unlikely that RW will know that until the actual match. With all this said... what will Alton do?

What Alton Should Do

With no points system, both teams have not had a set voting plan. Sometimes, the decision is based on overall performance. Other times, it’s a case of “What have you done for me lately?” Let’s look at the players’ performances in individual events, as presented by the editors (some information extrapolated from average times):

Snake Soup
Coral: Second person overall to drop out.
Theo: Fifth person on team to drop out.

Mud Bath
Coral: Eliminated after Round One.
Theo: Eliminated after Round Four.

Sink My Ship
Coral: Eliminated after Round One
Theo: Eliminated after Round Two

Red Baron
Coral: Shot down Laterrian.
Theo: Shot down by Adam

Inferno
Coral: 1:07 (fifth place)
Theo: 1:01 (fourth place)

Rolling On a River
Coral: Fifth person to fall.
Theo: Second person to fall, tied with Alton and Irulan.

Turntable
Coral: Fourth person to fall off.
Theo: Last person to fall off.

All or Nothing
Coral: Grabbed the rope, lost her shoes, decided to quit.
Theo: Grabbed the rope, finished at 0:31.

Vertical Sweep
Coral: 7:07 (sixth place)
Theo: 4:30 (fourth place)

Dukes of Saturn
Coral: 25.29 (second place)
Theo: 37.74 (third place)

As you can see, Theo has the edge over Coral. In addition, Coral has been a drag on her team throughout the season. She took the lead with Tonya in Masquerade, failing to put the faces together before tagging out to Rachel and Matt. Her freak-out during Holey Canoe led her teammates to send her to the Gauntlet, which led to a massive crying session over Mike’s decision to shove her in. On the other side, Theo has proven himself to be a good player, unable to provide the drama that this show demands. And that is why Alton should send him into the Gauntlet.

Hear me out on this. RW has no clue whom RR would send. Maybe they could determine that Cara has been voted into the Gauntlet. After all, they send in females in nine out of thirteen times. Sarah had been given a bye by her teammates, and Cara had the fourth-worst time in Dukes of Saturn. Right now, Alton needs to be feeling the hard feelings from the last Gauntlet. He needs to remember the taunting his girlfriend Irulan received after losing to Sarah. Theo would be the best weapon he could unleash, aside from himself. All he has to do is tell Theo that he believes in him and that he can’t trust Coral to get the job done. Alton stepped up to eliminate Laterrian, and Mike survived a scare against Abram. At this stage, it’s not about cutting the fat; the team is downright anorexic at this point. It’s about making certain the opposing team is as weak as possible. Besides, if Theo loses, he would take it like an adult. If Coral loses, she’d probably go on another “I thought we were friends!” jag, crushing what little morale is left.

What Alton Will Do

My guess? He’ll stick with his vote and send Coral. It’s easy for me to analyze the situation. After all, I have six days, 23 hours and 30 minutes to think up scenarios. Alton has less than half an hour. Besides, if he looked at the final missions of the last two seasons, he would see they were both gender-neutral. In fact, the course in Sexes was adjusted for both male and female teams. In other words, Coral would be more expendable.

Who Will Win the Gauntlet?

In Sarah’s recaps, she mentioned that the two dice used in the game were different. The same-sex die has six missions, while the opposite-sex has three. Once again, Cara is the RR representative. She is the only person on her team to survive a Gauntlet outside of Sarah, defeating Elka in Knock Your Block Off.

Cara vs. Coral

Think of this as the Princess Battle. The winner gets two Gauntlet wins, and gets to play Princess to Sarah’s Queen. If Cara loses, she will be forced to leave Dave, breaking up the third couple this season. In addition, she will be the second South Pacific cast member Coral racked up in the Gauntlet. If Coral loses, Cara will have eliminated two members of the winning RW team from Seasons. Let’s check out the possibilities.

Deadman’s Drop: I think Cara has this one in hand. Coral can give her the Evil Witch Stare all she wants, but she should have learned what to do in this event (Sarah) and what not to do (Tina).

Hangman: For some reason, I see Coral hanging a little tougher here. I’m probably thinking of how well she and Mike did on the original Hangman mission in Seasons.

Knock Your Block Off: Coral will have learned from the mistake Elka made, which was being too aggressive. Elka had Cara nailed, but her momentum threw her into the water. If Mike can learn patience, so can Coral.

Perfect Fit: Outside of David, name a cast member who has more issues with water. Yeah, Sarah managed to come back after Trishelle took a head start, but I feel Cara would solve the puzzle before Coral.

Pole Climb: Coral has this, since she has Alton on her side. His advice? Keep the hands dry before climbing.

Ride ‘Em Cowboy: This is a tough one. I’ll give this to Coral, who would hang on out of sheer spite.

Cara vs. Theo

This doesn’t have the punch of Cara/Coral, but the stakes are just as high. If Theo loses, he gets the label of “two-time loser.” Given that Beth and Emily formerly had that title, and Veronica’s currently wearing it, I would advise him never to do another Challenge. He’d probably come back as a bastard in the third.

Deadman’s Drop: For some weird reason, I don’t see this event claiming a third male victim. I just checked my recap of the event from last season, and they never showed Theo’s time. But it’s a feeling that I have that he would win.

Perfect Fit: This one goes to Cara, if she gets the pieces quickly enough.

Ride ‘Em Cowboy: From one of Sarah’s recaps, she mentioned that the man’s bull would be faster. Even so, I think Theo would pull it out, holding onto the bull, while Cara flops around.

To find out how well I know these people, check out The Gauntlet this Monday on MTV at 10 p.m., or any of the other hundreds of times they choose to air it. Then keep an eye right here on RNO for my recap, to see me crow about how right I was... or to just pretend this analysis was never written.

 How did I do? Here's a hint: about a month later, when I contributed to a roundtable on who would win Survivor: All-Stars, my pick was Rob Cesternino. He was the fourth person vote of the game. Apparently, being a genius on a tribe with no prior winners did not work into his favor. I'll have the next recap -- "Beginning Of The End" -- posted soon.

The Gauntlet Episode 15: Penultimate Peril

We're entering the final stretch of The Gauntlet. After this comes a "special" essay from me, followed by two recaps. Once again, hindsight is a bitch, as I was years away from the salad days of "Johnny Bananas" and his two alleged rapist buddies. XXX or Dirty 30 or whatever does not fill me with much hope. Veronica officially comes back, not counting her one-and-done stint on Champs Vs. Pros. She could be a shell of her old bitchy self and excel in missions, and I would still point out how awful she was when I recapped her, to the point where I was okay with Tonya hitting her during The Ruins, figuring it was long overdue after Inferno II. Lucky for me, lots of people go over the show in detail these days, so I don't feel the need to keep an unofficial official record, especially for hour-long episodes. I'll have to bring in my old recaps of Dog Days and Kevin & Drew Unleashed to give you an idea on how tough it was for me to do sixty minutes. And those two shows had a combined eleven episodes, which shows that I was not made for long distances.

Funny thing about me mentioning the upcoming Real World: San Diego at the start . . . not only was I right about Brad and Robin making their debuts on Battle Of The Sexes 2 that year, but  "longshots" Jacquese and Randy also got in, along with habitual nut-slapper/current Southern reality sophisticate Cameran. I'll be honest: I miss Jacquese. Easily the best of that cast.

Airdate: January 5, 2004
Recap Published:  January 8, 2004
 

Tempers flare as the teams prepare for their final mission. Can Coral step up and claim her place on the team? And with Sarah safe for the finale, who will Road Rules send to the Gauntlet?

This recap goes out to the readers from San Diego. I’ve been there twice for the kick-ass Comic Con International, and it is a lovely city. I know that this season’s Real World is about as indicative of your city as Adam is to people with ADD, and that My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé is to overweight people. By the way, I’m putting money on Brad and Robin making the Challenge in the fall, with Jacquese and Randy being the drama-free longshots.

Previously on The Gauntlet: In a Real World meeting, Coral didn’t think that the men were sexist, but she wanted them to know that the women could be an asset. I see Rachel B. and Irulan in that clip, so I’m guessing the men didn’t agree with her. Coral: “The guys are assuming that every mission is going to be, ‘Lift a car over your head.’” Hey, that would be a great mission. “Reenact the cover of Action Comics #1 in the best way possible!” RW won Vertical Sweep, boosting their bank to $50,000, while RR held at $80,000. Alton interviews that RW is a force to be reckoned with. Irulan got sent to the Gauntlet, and lost to Sarah in Deadman’s Drop. Theo V. told Alton to help her pack, and Alton lost it. It kills me seeing one of his flip-flops go flying off his foot in anger. Nathan interviewed about not knowing what deal Sarah cut with which devil to win in the Gauntlet so many wins, then reminded us that RR has a 9-6 advantage.

Outdoor shots. Close-up of ducklings shaking water off their bodies. Cut to the kitchen table, where both sides are engaged in a heated argument. Norman narrates the exchange of words between Darrell and Coral. She keeps talking about how the teams have never, ever fought like this. Oh, come on. What about Challenge 2000, where a tired RW concocted a fake mission for RR and Amaya clotheslined Veronica in a flag football game? Or Extreme Challenge, where a boiled-over James shot Julie with a paintball gun a few times too many, and Syrus nearly pulped him for that? We get a flashback to last week, where Theo V. keeps yelling for Irulan to go home. How did Norman respond? “Back tomorrow, Sarah!” Wait a second... Sarah’s recovering from hanging upside-down for 48 minutes, and Norman’s taunting her? Bad, Norman. Bad. Once again, we see Alton lose his cool. Back to the present, Coral bitches about how some RR members booed Irulan. Darrell insists he didn’t act like Alton did. More shouting between Coral and Darrell. Theo V. brings up Irulan being a poor sport. Cut to the Matt/Sarah Gauntlet, where Irulan went over to the RR side and used her clapper. At the table, Roni is just eating, trying to stay drama-free for another day. Cara tells Coral that Norman and Nathan had said horrible things. Now Nathan goes ballistic and he gets into it with Cara. “This game is getting so tough right now,” Mike interviews. “It’s so much pressure put on you. We’re at the final draw.”

Back to the bickering. Coral tells Cara not to boo somebody in the Gauntlet, adding “Not one of your guys clapped for her.” I’m assuming she means Sarah, and I remember that Sarah didn’t want noise while competing in the Gauntlet. Hey, at least her teammates give her that much. “We’re glad you’re staying,” Nathan yells in Cara’s direction, “‘cause you’re gonna help us win $10,000 today.” Cara: “God, Nate sucks so bad!” Theo V.: “Bad sportsmanship seems to be a popular hobby for some of the kids at this competition.” Whatever, Mr. “Go Home!”

Outdoors. Theo V. and Sarah go for a walk. Uh-oh... they might work on crossword puzzles! Theo is pissed off at Veronica; it seems that she has been reading the voting slips after meetings. Any time I think Veronica scraped the bottom of the barrel, she manages to find a few more feet. He feels that it undermines the voting, and that she brings shadiness to the team. “Whatever,” Sarah replies. “She’s got a couple new boyfriends these days.” Good one! She interviews that not many people like Veronica, and she’s been “freakishly manipulative” during the whole process.

Mansion. Coral tells Mike that all of the other girls have been sacrificed, and that the present team members should get an opportunity to win. “At the end of this thing,” she says, “if there’s a bunch of boys sitting around, I think that’s going to look like [bleep].” She interviews that she would get no money should she lose in the Gauntlet, that it feels good to be the final woman, but the team finds it easy to send girls. Mike tells her that the men are more physically fit, and he wants to look at the big picture, as he sees the team opposing the likes of Darrell, Theo V., and Adam. “I know,” Coral replies, “but don’t lose sight of the war, or the woman on your team.”

Night. Veronica reads the clue from the sponsor phone: it’s an individual challenge. Norman reads from the RW bedroom: 6:45 a.m. pickup, wear sneakers and team colors. Coral fakes enthusiasm in her bed. “I would burn my eyes out with cigarettes,” she interviews, “then go back to the Gauntlet.”

Elsewhere, Theo V. tells Adam that he’s not comfortable with Veronica, since she doesn’t bring the positivity. “Veronica wants to win bad enough,” Theo interviews, “that she’s willing to shower with the whole team in order to get the job done. I don’t like her method.” Abram might disagree with you there, Theo. Naturally, we get a clip of Veronica and Abram steaming up the shower. I think Bunim and Murray adore Theo. He continues, telling Adam that he doesn’t know whether to bring it up to the others. Adam feels that she is a good competitor, but interviews that she needs to prove herself or she’ll be the next to go. Theo can’t even make eye contact with Veronica. “I don’t want the Grim Reaper on my relay race team,” he says to Adam. And here I thought that was Sarah’s title. Adam looks on, not showing any reaction.

Daytime. Mission site. We have two cars in team colors, raised in the air by cranes with a ladder between them. Adam has his “I’m a Pony!” shirt on. Jonny welcomes everybody to Dukes of Saturn, which follows in the footsteps of Hands on Saturn (Battle of the Seasons) and Seven Rings of Saturn (Battle of the Sexes). This mission will test the players’ agility and balance. The object: climb the ladder from one Saturn Ion to the other, while being suspended in the air. “I have a fear of heights,” Darrell reminds us in an interview. “Why can’t we go back to the ground? Me and the air don’t get along.” Mike interviews that this mission looks scary.

Commercials. Promo for new reality programming in January: new seasons of Newlyweds and The Osbournes, Til Death Do Us Part with Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, and the latest social misfits appearing on The Real World. Oh, and there’s three seconds of Inferno. I don’t know what’s sadder: that I care about that, or that I didn’t recognize some of the faces in the clips, despite knowing the roster. Apparently, people will be running around in chicken costumes. After the fat suits, I can live with that.

Alton lays out the exposition: when Jonny blows his airhorn, the player takes off the seat belt, crawls out of the window, crosses the ladder, gets in, and blows the horn. Jonny lays out the usual spiel: team with best average time wins $10,000 for their bank account. Nathan interviews that RW has two wins in a row, and they want the third for momentum. Jonny adds that the players with the best times will win the Plate of Protection, which also can be used to break a tie. “I’ve been screwed over so many times on Challenges,” Veronica interviews. “People want me to go into the Gauntlet. I have to win the [PoP] to be able to stay.”

Nathan gets equipped with his bungee cord. He talks about the bickering between the squads. “We’re just going to keep our mouths shut,” he adds, “and smile all the way to the bank.” Jonny blows his horn. Nathan takes his time getting out of the car and onto the ladder, as his teammates yell encouragement from the ground. He slides through the window and honks out at 58.72 seconds.

On the ground, Dave tells his teammates that he will “gun it” across while holding onto the sides of the ladders. He interviews that he’ll be calm and pretend the ground is under the ladder. Airhorn. Dave gets out and crawls across. He honks out at 50.37. Cut to Cara clapping. Oh, that’s right... they’re the only couple left. Darn the Sarah! Darn that grim reaping love-hater for ousting Trishelle and Irulan!

Theo V.: “One thing about all this protective gear is that I think it’s really good for safe sex, man.” Eh, they can’t all be winners. Cut to a montage: Norman gets out of the car. Cut to Theo G. on the ground, looking at his phone. Sarah gets to the hood and slides down. Roni scampers across. Norman gets into the car and honks out at 41.10. Darrell slowly crawls across. The editors give us “Feel This” by Blink 182. Adam staggers across quickly. Theo V. crawls quickly. Mike and Rachel make their efforts. Sarah honks out at 48.13. Darrell: 53.34. Mike nearly breaks the horn at 38.78. Adam: 30.61. Theo V.: 31.34. Rachel: 31.19. Roni: 29.04. Average times: RW 46.16, RR 39.00. Norman interviews that the times are getting better. “If you screw up,” he adds, “you are going to lose the mission.”

Cara gets ready. She interviews about getting in the final three in the voting last time. Airhorn. She gets out of the car and onto the ladder. She takes her time, finishing at 33.27. She interviews that it took a while to slide off the car. “I think my time was average,” she adds. “I don’t think it was frickin’ awesome.”

Theo G. interviews that he needs the PoP, since the voting might come down to him and Coral. It takes a while to hit the horn, finishing at 37.74. Back on the ground, Sarah laughs to Theo G. about being fast. “I had to be,” he tells her. “I have no choice.” Sarah: “Welcome to my world!” They both have a good laugh, and I think I saw Adam smiling.

Airhorn. Alton climbs out, skittering across the ladder, hands and feet on the edges. He honks out at 19.16. Wow. Theo G. jumps around in celebration. “That boy Alton crawled across that ladder like a little monkey,” Darrell interviews. “That boy is a monkey for real.” I get a flashback of Eric Nies as the “Ancient Jungle Monkey.” RW whoops it up some more. Mike interviews that Alton rocked the mission. We get a slow-motion shot of Alton jumping on the windshield. He’s a lot of things, and superhuman seems to be one of them.

Coral gets fitted. Average times: RW 37.80, RR 38.28. She interviews that she’s extremely nervous, and she doesn’t want to go home. Oh, come on. You got Melissa as a roommate. Who doesn’t want to go home to her? She waves as she’s lifted to the cars. Mike interviews that the pressure is on Coral. Norman on the ground: “You need to kick ass!” Norman in an interview: “We’re like, ‘Coral, you need to bust ass on this.’” Whatever, editors.

Back from commercials, Coral gets out, sliding down the windshield, and crawling like Alton. She takes her time to crawl on the hood and through the window, honking out at 25.29. On terra firma, the guys cheer her, and Alton lifts her up. She interviews that she doesn’t know how well she did, and she got in and out of the cars efficiently enough. She calls her mother, breathlessly telling her that she made it through all 14 missions.

Veronica gets prepped. She interviews that people are gunning for her, and she has to do well. She climbs out of the car, her teammates yelling out the seconds. I thought they were counting down when I saw the teaser. My bad. She tries to spider-crawl, but she doesn’t finish like that. Instead, she straddles the ladder, and pulls herself forward. I think I’ll let Mike handle this one: “She starts a humping motion, and it’s kinda turning me on.” What do you expect with Trishelle gone? The man has needs! Veronica climbs through the window, honking out at 28.74. The graphic people have decided she’s a RW member, since she has that logo and colors on her time. Is it Drunken Interns Week again? The RR guys check their phones for the time. Veronica interviews that the ladder was wobbly, and it messed with her balance, but she did OK.

Jonny announces that the winning team had an average time of 36.66 seconds. After a drawn-out pause, he announces that RW won. They have a huge celebration, as they boost their bank to $60,000. Mission-wise, this season hasn’t been a total bloodbath, as RR got the 8-6 edge. Both sides shake hands, trying to put the bickering behind them. Jonny awards a PoP to Alton, for his 19.16 performance. As for RR? Well, I looked down at the times I frantically scrawled, and my reaction was, “Oh, crap.” It’s Veronica. I heard she was gone. I actually had this witty line in store: “Hey, what’s eight letters long, ‘Three-time loser’?” Damn. Anyway, the editors pipe in Ludacris’ “Stand Up,” as she jumps into Jonny’s arms. Theo V. and Adam? Do not look happy. She interviews that she’s not going anywhere, and she will be a member of the RR team. Quick shot of her hugging Rachel, and I cringe. Dave interviews that if not for the PoP, she would’ve gone next. “I cannot believe Veronica will be here for the final mission,” Theo V. drawls. “It really, really makes me mad.” I bet he had some witty lines stored, too. Jonny does his usual spiel: 30 minutes, sacrifice, whatever.

Both teams are still feeling the good vibes as they shake hands and hug. Adam thinks they learned about pushing each other’s buttons, and it doesn’t need to be done again. “We had found each other’s boundaries,” Norman interviews, “we have crossed them, and if we were going to get along to recognize that we can’t cross those boundaries again.”

RR Meeting. Adam explains that one person from either team will be going home without getting a shot at the $150,000 after playing for a month. Veronica asks what would be best for the team. Cara thinks that if they send a girl, it would between her and Sarah. Oh, hell no. Don’t even joke about that. “They say they’re not going to send me in,” Sarah laughs, “but do I ever believe the team when they tell me anything? No. Don’t trust those Road Rulers any further than I can throw them.” Cara says that the guys did a little better than Sarah, and she doesn’t want to go to the Gauntlet. Theo V. decides that Sarah doesn’t need to go again. “Who knows?” Adam asks. “Maybe it’ll be a good luck charm.” I only got a little more time to spend on Adam, so I won’t go ballistic. This time, Cara will be going up against Dave and Darrell in the voting.

Votes are collected. Roni interviews that nobody wants to go, since this is the last chance to see money. Cara reads off the votes, as all three candidates get threes. Theo scrawls the numbers and I can’t make them out. Final results: Cara 22, Darrell 16, Dave 16. Roni doesn’t want anybody to go. Cara interviews that she’s going back because Veronica is immune. Dave admits not being able to vote his girlfriend into the Gauntlet. Cara plans to win, and she doesn’t have to say good-bye.

RW Meeting. Norman tells the others that this will be a difficult decision. Theo G. feels that anybody can go, and he figures it’ll be between him and Coral. She tells the group that (say it with me) she is the last girl on the team, and been kicking ass competing with the boys. Theo remembers that after his name was brought up, he has gone “balls-out” since then. “If I really feel like I deserve to go in, I’d vote for myself,” he interviews. “But man, I’ve been stepping up.”

Coral: “Both strategically and morally, I can’t vote for myself.” Theo, 1-0. Theo: “It has to be a survival tactic for me to vote for her.” Tied, 1-1. Norman votes for Theo, citing his friendship with Coral. Theo, 2-1. Mike votes for Theo, because he hasn’t been in the Gauntlet, and Coral would tear him apart if he voted otherwise. Or maybe he’s just thinking that. Theo, 3-1. “Coral really pulled through today,” Mike interviews, “and I think we might need a girl in this final mission.” Alton doesn’t feel right sending Theo in. Theo, 3-2. “Coral’s my girl,” Alton interviews, “but Coral is out overall weakest player.” Nathan says that his votes have been based on performance, and it would be “completely asinine and a waste of my month” if he changed that. Based on cumulative performance, he votes for Coral. Tied, 3-3. Coral goes into an edited rant, interviewing that she did better than everybody on the team save for Alton.

Mike informs Alton that he can break the tie with the PoP. Alton interviews that he hates coming down to this. “Coral’s my girl,” he laments out loud, “and Theo’s my boy.” Already, he looks like he’s going to top Dave’s painful vote against Cara on South Pacific. “How am I going to do this, God? How am I going to do this?” Fade to black.

Next week: Alton agonizes some more, saying that Coral is his friend, but she’s also the weakest player. Theo interviews that he’s done better than Coral. Cut to Jonny and the final mission: Gold Rush. We got running, climbing, digging, crawling, and puzzle pieces. By the way: no sign of Cara, Coral or Theo. Don’t worry... MTV will probably blow the final Gauntlet this weekend.

I wound up writing my take on what Alton should have done. In retrospect, Theo could've just outright noted that he was way too normal for the franchise, and I would not have blamed him for throwing shade on Coral, who was Bunim and Murray's best cast member at that time. The episode would have hurt less if Veronica had gotten sent in. I probably would've ranked her fourth on the list of people that needed comeuppance for abusing Sarah (after Adam, Rachel and Darrell), but any sympathy I had for her following her ouster in Battle Of The Sexes was gone. The really sucky part is that she would avoid the possibility of going into the final Inferno in the following season. She was tough to flush, and I don't feel bad for saying that thirteen-plus years later.