Saturday, January 14, 2006

Gauntlet 2, Episode 6: Brokeback Meatheads

Previously on Gauntlet 2: Derrick threw a fit at the first Gauntlet meeting, and he got a warning from Brad. You didn’t miss anything...BMP loves dumping unaired footage and label it “previously.” Brad interviews that Derrick’s testosterone could bring tension to the team. “Not here,” he told Derrick, “not with that volume, not with that tone.” The Rookies squeezed and humped their way to a win in Sponge Worthy, evening the teams’ bank accounts at $20,000 apiece. Ruthie totally demolished Jisela in the Gauntlet, and we’re spared TJ’s rants about quitting this week. Alton reminds us that his neck is on the chopping block every other day.

Club 330 & Diver’s Den. The usual alcohol-induced least until we see Brad and Derrick arguing about something. Brad interviews that he thinks Derrick has been acting different after becoming captain. Derrick responds that he doesn’t need this from Brad, and he’s got enough stress. “YOU ARE SHUTTING ME DOWN,” he bellows, “FOR NO FUCKING REASON! FOR NO FUCKING REASON!” I’m not getting why this is happening. I understand how, but it’s like we’re expecting a sandwich, and we get two slices of bread with no meat. Derrick interviews, “You deserve to get hit in your fuckin’ mouth.” Cut to Brad telling Ruthie, “Hey, he’s not the smartest kid goin’.” Hello, pot. Have you met kettle? We zoom to Derrick, hunched over a table.

Mansion. Jeremy reads the text clue, taking time to read off the phone sponsor’s name. “Get ready to paint the town red and blue,” the clue begins. Kids gotta be ready to leave at 8:30 a.m. Jeremy figures that they’ll be “laying our bodies everywhere.” Mark interviews that it’s important for the Veterans to pull away and get a 3-2 lead. He adds that a men’s Gauntlet is coming up, and the guys have to step up because they can’t lose another male. The Veterans cheer, “One, two, three, RED!” The crowd disperses...and Derrick has a jumprope around his neck. Take it off! Two-to-one says it belongs to Mark.

Elsewhere, MJ, Alton and Jamie hang out. MJ tells Alton that he is leading the pack. Alton tells us that if the Rookies lose the next mission, he has to choose his opponent in the Gauntlet, and that is a lot of pressure. Jamie tells Alton that he’s the one making the tough decisions. He interviews that the captain’s role is to determine who he wants in the end. “I trust Alton,” Jamie adds, “and I think he has the ability. Ultimately, it’s his butt on the line.” He tells MJ and Alton that the Rookies’ nucleus is stronger than the Veterans’. Alton manhugs the guys.

A full moon disappears, as we lapse from night to day. There are the kids on the bus. Not they’re filing towards the mission site. TJ welcomes them to Canoe Bay, “in beautiful Trinidad & Tobago.” Maybe the local tourist board is a sponsor. I’ll have to check. Today’s mission is Body Painters. The keys to success: teamwork and artistic ability. Each team has six canvases. Each canvas has a color designated to it. The objective: paint the canvases wearing only Speedos. Always has to be one mission with the tight packaging. MJ expresses his nervousness about wearing a “banana hammock.” TJ goes on, saying that half the team will apply paint, while the other half gets painted. The appliers will put washable paint on the painters’ bodies, and the painters get the paint on the canvas. Once the canvas is completely covered, the team runs over to the shower to get all the paint off. Timmy expositions that the teams can transport paint in any way except for cupping with hands and putting the paint in their mouths. I’m putting the over/under on how many competitors would be stupid enough to try that at 5. The first team to cover all six canvases wins $10,000 for their bank. Since there’s a men’s Gauntlet on the horizon, the winning male captain gets another $1,000 electronic store gift card. I know that’s a better prize than a Nintendo DS, but couldn’t you imagine Derrick playing Nintendogs in his room, singing, “My buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy”? Oh, and the losing captain gets an appointment to the Gauntlet. Derrick interviews that he has to bust his ass, as do the other guy. “I’m the captain,” he interviews. “You had better be hoping you’re not going against me, because I’m here to the end.” Cut to a close-up of Brad. Mmmm...this fake foreshadowing is so delicious!

Rookie strategy session, Randy suggests loading their backs with paint, squirting the stuff on the canvas and spread it around. Alton reminds us...again...that he’s Gauntlet-bound if they lose. “It’s my job,” he tells us, “to figure out who is gonna come and enjoy a Gauntlet game with me.” He makes it sound like a picnic date. The Veterans make plans. Let’s switch it over to Timmy. “This is going to be funny and hysterical, but we can’t go down that way. There’s going to be laughter when we’re hitting the showers, giggling, touching each other’s parts, but we’re running here.”

Speedo time! MJ giggles like an idiot, feeling sexy. Ace has a wedgie going, wondering if his suit is the right size. Landon stands around, looking snug. Ace wonders why his pair is fitting him like that. Adam also has severe wedging action. “It’s amazing what people will do for a little bit of cash,” he interviews. “We’re not completely naked, but we’re close to it as we can be.” He adds that some of the guys are stuffing their Speedos, and the Veterans look self-conscious. Ace shouts for a bigger pair. “Terrible,” Landon laughs.

And now we turn to Syrus. I like the guy, but having his body stuffed in a Speedo is painful. He complains about the Speedo cutting off all his circulation, adding “I’m turnin’ purple.” There’s a few rolls of flesh and a bit of moobage. Not as bad as Gus from The Amazing Race 6, but the big fella should have worked out. Slow-motion shot of Syrus dancing, fleshing glistening and jiggling, as he voiceovers about not having a swimmer’s back. “Sy’s a whole lotta man,” he tells us. “You can check me out at 976-WHOLE-LOTTA.” Sweet! And that’s why I don’t lump Syrus with Donell. Both have weight issues, but Syrus has never been a fat bitch. We didn’t need an actual fake phone number on the bottom of the screen, but it’s a nice touch.

TJ blasts his airhorn to kick off the carnage. Both sides get backs covered with paint. Katie informs us that being covered in paint isn’t as kinky as most people think. Landon slides on the canvas. Soon, the Rookies get a whistle signaling that their canvas is covered, and they run to the shower. Landon expositions that the team has to shower complete before moving on to the next color. While the Rookies frantically shower, the Veterans get the whistle. Timmy: “Shower! Shower! Shower! Shower!” The Rookies finish up, moving to the next canvas, and the Veterans close in. Adam interviews that the guys have big backs, so they would get the paint on the boards, while the women get it nice and even to complete the job. Ace interviews that he’s getting to liking the paint, and his team is working fast.

The Veterans complete the second canvas and run to the shower, followed by the Rookies. Randy interviews that they have to work with one tiny shower, and people are jumping in with no system. We see the Rookies scrub, while the Veterans run out. Randy: “It’s definitely the element that’s causing our team to fall back right now.” Veterans rub on the green paint. Brad tells us that it’s a close race. Adam interviews that the Rookies are trying to stay together, and one slip-up could cost the game.

Veterans complete the third canvas, and they rush to the shower, with the Rookies following close. David gets scrubbed down, exclaiming, “Wipe my ass, bitch!” Yeah, I don’t know. The Rookies run out, and the Veterans start yelling. It seems that Jeremy still has paint on him. Cara interviews that the team has to wait for him to finish up, and they’re cutting it close. As Jeremy wipes off, the Veterans get on the next canvas. “I’m just moving like a machine,” Derrick interviews, “back and forth, just workin’ it because I belong here, and I deserve to be here.”

Veterans get whistled for their fourth canvas, as do the Rookies. Showering. Alton interviews that his team is getting through the shower quickly, and he figures they’ll come out on top. Rookies get to painting each other purple. The Veterans finish their fifth canvas. David: “One more! This is where we bunch up!” Hopefully, he wasn’t talking about the Speedos. Rookies finish up. Both sides wipe off. The Veterans bolt from the shower area first. Derrick tells us that he sees the Rookies getting lathered up, and that his team has to stay focused and precise.

TJ looks on as both sides apply paint to their final canvases. Jeremy and his stupidly-moussed hair interviews that the teams are neck-and-neck, and he thinks the Rookies will get it. TJ looks left and right and blows his airhorn. Landon slams a bottle of paint down in anger, as the Veterans get the win. They run towards the shower before it occurs to them that the mission is over. Veterans celebrate, Rookies look stunned. Derrick interviews that they go up 3-2, and nobody has to go home from his side. He tries to continue, but David runs by, slamming a pair of shorts over his head. Derrick seems pissed at first, but he gets a good laugh over it. Jeremy isn’t laughing, interviews that the Rookies did the best they could, and nothing really went wrong. “I don’t know who’s going in,” he adds, “but I pray to Jesus it’s not me.”

Denouement. TJ: “This was a very challenging challenge, obviously.” When TJ goes bike-riding, does he land on his head a lot? He gives the $10,000 to the Veterans and the $1,000 gift card to Derrick, and adds that he’ll see Alton in the Gauntlet. Alton interviews that he’s trying to figure out what’s fair, and he doesn’t know who to choose.

Gauntlet Deliberation. Alton tells the team that he’s focused on winning first. Jeremy: “I’m at the edge of my seat. I’m sweating bullets over here, taking deep breaths, hoping that it’s not going to be me.” Let’s see...Jeremy looks weak, cost his team some time in the loss, and he’s done two fear-based interviews. In other words, he ain’t going in. A few random shots later, Alton tabs Adam. Why? I think it has somebody to do with what Danny was talking about on, that Jodi hooked up with Alton and Adam (as well as Adam L.). Why pass Jeremy over like that, unless Alton wanted to get rid of the competition. I don’t know how true Danny was about Jodi giving the guys “jobs.” I do know that Danny’s bitter nobody bothers to give him an application to fill out.

Anyway...Adam is in the Gauntlet. He sighs, pulling his sunglasses down. Alton tries to sweet-talk Adam about being a strong competitor. Adam asks the question “Why not me?” in an attempt to not come across like Danny. He admits to being the smallest guy, and he hasn’t done a mission where he has excelled. Alton offers that Adam would make an excellent captain, which Adam agrees with. Everybody claps, liking how mature Adam is. Alton interviews that Adam is an awesome person and the “coolest guy in the house,” but the competition so far has favored the big guys.

TJ comes in to get the Rookies’ decision. He spins the wheel, and it lands on Captain’s Choice. Alton walks to the wheel, wanting to give Adam a good chance at winning. Adam tells him not to worry. Since there isn’t a “Bad Rapping” choice, Alton goes with Capture the Flag, interviews that Adam is a climber, and he can show he deserves to be here. TJ tells Adam that he couldn’t get a better game. Did nobody see Alton destroy Laterrian in Pole Climb? Oh, and TJ calls Adam “homie.” I’m really hoping somebody punches TJ before this season ends. Landon interviews that he has respect for Alton giving Adam a fighting chance, but he wants Alton on the team. Adam hugs Alton, noting that no matter what, he respects him.

Gauntlet. The players file in. TJ calls the last mission “the tightest race that I’ve seen on this Challenge so far.” He calls down Alton and Adam to the Gauntlet, then goes over the rules to Capture the Flag. Both players go up on either side on a cargo net to grab a flag. First one to get the flag gets to stay in the game. Adam interviews that Alton gave him a break, and nobody should think that he’ll lose. TJ tells both players to give it their all before ringing the bell. Both players frantically climb, as we head into commercials.

We return to the guys climbing the net. Adam is fast, but Alton is a lot faster, as he grabs the flag for the quick win. Adam hangs dejectedly from his harness. At least TJ won’t bitch about him putting up a fight. Jillian interviews that she’d be intimidated of Alton is she was on the guys’ team. Does she even know the format this season? “I mean,” she continues, “he’s just a freak of nature.” True, that. And while I’m thinking of it...where has Jillian been hiding this whole time?

TJ tells Adam that he put up a valiant effort before congratulating Alton for the win, admiring the speed of both guys. Seriously, Adam might have smoked any other Rookie guy, but he went against the wrong one. TJ gives Adam twenty minutes to pack up and clear out. Adam interviews that he went up against a great competitor. “I’m going home,” he adds, “but I still feel like I gave it my all.” Alton interviews that he is trying to lead by example, and it’s not easy for him to go to the Gauntlet.

Mansion. Adam is packed up, and he gets hugs from the others. Ace escorts him to the cab, because we have to keep up the “Adam is gay for Ace” speculation for as long as we can. Adam interviews about being unhappy to leave, but he got his chance in the Gauntlet, and he has respect for Alton and his team. Adam rides off into the sunset. Derrick and Alton exchange pleasantries, calling each other “captain” and go into a dorky handshake. “I wouldn’t want anybody else to be captain of our team,” Alton interviews. “It’s pretty rough, but I’m a good competitor. For me to go home is just not smart.”

Day lapses to night. Derrick is in the captain’s room, telling Alton that he’ll be happy to get some sleep. He interviews about being happy to not face somebody in the Gauntlet. Suddenly, Brad is up in Derrick’s face, going on about how Derrick has changed, making exaggerated arm motions. It’s like Brad wants to be the male, American version of Belou. Brad tells Derrick that if he sees him in the Gauntlet, he’ll see him in the Gauntlet. Ruthie tries to make peace between the meatheads. Derrick interviews he doesn’t want to hear about Gauntlets or how he’s changed, and his anger is building up. Brad is cursing up a storm about how he isn’t “scurred”of Derrick. Now he’s the son of Belou and Darrell. Derrick tells Brad that he isn’t scared. Brad: “I’m not. Oh, believe me, family, I am not. [bleep] Believe me, I’m not scared of you, bro.” Brad interviews that Derrick is getting defensive, so he’s getting defensive as well. Gee, I wonder why. Brad actually spits on the floor near Derrick. Brad is slowly losing me. Derrick is understandable pissed off. Brad wants to put the “sixteen ounces” on, which I’m assuming refers to the boxing gloves. Derrick: “PUT 'EM ON! LET’S DO IT!” Outside, Derrick interviews that he hates being told that he’s changed, especially when they have known each other for six months. “If he goes into the Gauntlet with me,” Derrick continues, “he’s not going to know what fucking hit him.” Back in the house, Ruthie tells Brad that Derrick loves him. In what way, we can only wonder. Brad: “He’s not acting like it.” Ruthie: “You guys are drunk!”

Outside, Derrick and Katie talk. Katie interviews that she’s trying to act as a mediator, and Derrick’s leadership might be confused with cockiness. She tells Derrick that he has been acting like a jerk. Let’s just nod and move to the final scene.

In the bedroom, Mark gets Brad and Derrick in the same area. Apparently, Brad wants things to stop between him and Derrick, since they’re “two grown-ass men.” Derrick has his face in his hands, looking like he’s tired, drunk, or both. Mark: “He loves you, you love him. End it.” Oh, the possibilities. Brad apologizes, interviewing that he can understand Derrick’s perspective, and he wishes that he had approached him differently. He tells Derrick that he might have been thrown off by Derrick’s behavior. “I love you like a brother, bro,” Brad says, adding that he always looked out for Derrick. Derrick’s face is still in his hands, in the “Yeah, whatever, can I please go to bed?” position. He interviews about being rational and keeping the unity alive, so he won’t fight. “But don’t test me, Brad,” he tells the camera, “cuz I will put you in the Gauntlet.” He tells Brad that he’s not mad at him, They manhug. Fade to credits.

Next time: Montana and Beth go at it. This time, it’s during competition, so it will probably go on through the entire episode. Beth feels Montana is flipping out over having to run to prove herself. Montana: “Beth just sucks as a person.” I think I’m in love. Oh, and the mission involves cart-racing, with players pulling the carts.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm actually not surprised by anything we've seen this season. The editing is more obvious than an episode of Survivor. Why are there only four guantlet games? Name that Coconut is the worst! At least the first Gauntlet, and the second Inferno had a few really cool looking games... Dead-Man's Drop, The Perfect Fit, Pole Climb, Patch Work, Balls In.

One other thing, just like I thought the wrong person got sent to the Gauntlet last week (Adam instead of Jeremy), why wasn't Robin sent in this week.... she single-handedly last the mission for her team. As much as I detest Osama BethLaden, she wasn't the reason why her team screwed up. That was perhaps the MOST EMBARASSING GAUNTLET ENDGAME... even more embarrassing than Hodi's loss to Verantula!!!