Thursday, January 05, 2006

Stop The Bus, He Needs To Get Off

I watched one of the most hyped episodes of Real World/Road Rules Challenge in recent memory. And it didn't quite live up to its promise. I was expecting somebody to walk off the show. I was expecting fisticuffs. All we got were several things we knew already.

Jodi Has Problems

I hate to say it, but Beth may be right about Jodi...she is following Tonya's path in life. First of all, she believed Mark's jive about loving her. Then we see her fool around with Adam L. and Alton. Then I saw Mark on Reality Remix last night, and he threw in the other Adam. That's right...she fooled around with Adam King. To what extent is unknown, but that's just so freakin' random. I'm not going to be as nasty to Jodi as Danny, who probably wishes he got as many "job offers" as her. But I do want her to take stock of her life and get the hell out of the BMP dating pool.

Robin Is An Enabler

Is she dating Mark or isn't she? It's like she's Elaine and he's Puddy (which worked out great Seinfeld-wise this week, what with the sponges and Syrus rubbing his bald head on women). It's not something I can put in words, but I just don't like her.

Beth Loves Stirring The Pot

And by "pot," I mean "caulderon," because she's a witch. She started trouble last season, and she's at it again now. I honestly cannot understand why nobody beats her up in real life. How can she have friends? How can anybody listen to hear for more than three seconds without walking away?

Mark Is An Asshole

Quick note to the guy running the Challenge recaps on RNO: Mark is not the new Miz. First of all, Mark is a lot older than Mike. Even though Mike can be and has been a major tool, even though he's gotten as much Challenge action as Mark, I don't feel the need to bang my head against a wall thinking about him. Even if he becomes a WWE wrestler, Mike wouldn't automatically go to the dark side. Mark has been there since Battle of the Sexes 2, after he got divorced, when he started fooling around with Robin, when he gave up an all-but-guarenteed $60,000 to ensure a weak women's team, allowing Eric Nies to collect money he did not deserve. I don't care if everybody on the bus was stuck for 45 minutes (which he claimed on Remix). He broke Jodi's fragile heart, and Robin was giving him grief about it...and he blew up. Threw an uppercut pump and grabbed the camera. But he doesn't care. He's still working on Remix and whatever D-grade show will have him. He's probably having a threesome with Eric Nies and Margueriette "God Warrior!" Perrin as I type this out. If Derrick kicks his ass in the Gauntlet, I might have to erect a statue of the littlest captain. Mark sucks, end of story.

The Casting Bites

For the record: I'm not missing Mike, Tina, Abram, Rachel, Tonya or Veronica. I would love Coral to come on and talk smack, but I can wait. I'm talking about casting people who aren't totally in the game. When Ruthie beat down Jisela in the Gauntlet, I thought it was "real." I hated TJ for calling the girls out afterwards. Then I heard a rumor that Jisela had to get back to her job, and that she threw the match. Did the casting people learn nothing from Karamo? Last season, he had scheduled a speaking engagement at the same time as Inferno II. Facing a potential lawsuit, he basically gave the Good Guys a free pass, and Landon sent him home in the Inferno. Isn't the whole point of these kids coming on this show that they don't have lives of their own? After Battle of the Seasons, BMP cracked down on collusion. How about the Eubanks/Delgado Clause? "If you don't go out there and give 110 percent, if you run back home and leave us in the lurch...we take a finger. Our choice."

I don't hate Jisela. I hated that she was voted off The Quest, even though she did have it coming. It's just that I had a "Jisela Redemption Arc" in my head, where she decided not to do Challenges in order to train harder for them. Remember Rocky Balboa training in freakin' Russia to face Drago and avenge Apollo's death? Same thing. Maybe she didn't have to go home, and she did lose to Ruthie fairly. I'm just sad to see her go, while Beth the Human Albatross stays. Also: how close was Jisela to Aneesa? They had identical looks in the first episode, and I thought I saw them holding hands. Did Jisela turn? Was she and Aneesa a kinder and crazier version of Rachel & Veronica? Did she at least have the decency to call Sophia first when she came out? I guess we'll never know. On the bright side, with all the monkeyshines on this show and The Real World, few people will remember Jisela riding "the ho train," as Coral put it, when she made out with several people away from her boyfriend Malik. So she gave Blair a topless lap dance. Girls like Trishelle and Veronica are riding faster ho trains these day. Hocomotives, if you will.

At least next week's episode looks interesting. Once you stop being blind from Syrus in a Speedo, we'll have Derrick vs. Brad in the house. Who would you root for if they went into the Gauntlet? Derrick's tiny, but he did beat Adam L. and he seems to care about his team. On the other hand, Brad got eliminated in his first two Challenges, and he's due for some good luck. This could be the most intense endgame since Brad went head-up against Abram last season.

The next recap should be up in a few days. Also, I'll be posting something special before then, and I'm sure you'll dig it.

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