Gauntlet 2, Episode 5: Mark Smash!

Previously on Gauntlet 2: Mark and Robin started playing tonsil hockey all over again. Mark called it “a celebration of how much we care about care other.” I’m sure Robin’s family must love him to death. The Veterans won Moving Pyramids over a “volatile Rookie team,” according to the voiceover. Danny told Jodi he went six times, and invited her to kiss his ass. Needless to say, Danny was a bitch, a big fat bitch, the biggest bitch I ever known...you get the idea. And what does Alton like to do? Beat bitches up, as he sent Danny home in the Gauntlet. Cara interviewed that the team is better off without a loose cannon.

Day turns to night. Buses arrive outside Club 330 & Divers Den. Soon, David is behind the bar, taking drink orders. Random dancing shots. Aneesa shakes her butt, Beth dances near Julie. Jodi turns her head, presumably to see an edited shot of Robin and shirtless Mark. Jodi interviews that she dated Mark before this Challenge, and she doesn’t know why they stopped. She tells us that he told her that he loved her, and she doesn’t know who he is anymore. Neither do I, babe. Jodi looks sad, Mark acts like a tool. He interviews that he dated Jodi for three weeks, and he realized he couldn’t be serious with her. “She’s got to just to grips with that, I guess,” he adds. Shut up. And I’ve found another reason to hate Mark...the hair under his lip. It annoys me. I mean, I have that right now, but him having it gives me another reason to smack him in the face. Have I mentioned how glad I am not to be with RNO anymore? No way I could’ve said that last year.

Outside, Jodi cries in Susie’s arms. Susie insists that Mark is nothing, he doesn’t deserve her, and she asks why Jodi lets him upset her. Jodi doesn’t know, as she stumbles backwards a little, perhaps hindered by alcohol. Susie interviews that seeing Mark and Robin together is a little too much for Jodi. “Jodi’s fragile,” she adds, “Jodi’s vulnerable, and she got her heart broken.” Cut to outside the restroom, where we can here Jodi sobbing. Apparently, she told Mark that she loved him only because he told her the same thing, and that’s an emotion she never gives away. No word as to if Jodi said that to any of the guys she’s hooked up with so far this season. Susie: “He sucks, you’re great. Period.” She tells Jodi to go out and have fun. “She deserves better,” Susie interviews, as we see her and Jodi vacate the restroom. “She’s a great girl. It’s a shame that somebody like Mark, who’s 5,000 years old, is breaking her heart.” Oh, snap! Susie with the snark!

Cut to Beth and Robin outside. Beth tells Robin that Jodi grabbed her and told her that she schupted Mark. I know Jodi’s troubled and a teensy bit shady, but would anybody share that kind of information with Beth? Especially after last season? Rather than punching Beth in the gut, Robin smiles and claims she knew that, which raises a few red flags. “I’m not trying to be an intentional shit-starter at all, I swear!” Beth interviews. “But I feel that I have a loyalty to Robin. If somebody was messing around with my guy, I would definitely want to know.” I’d want to know who would date Beth. Then she ups the ante, saying that Jodi said that Mark said that he loved her. Robin grins and tells Beth to shut up. We’ve descended to junior high school, people. Robin interviews that it’s weird for her to hear about another girl in that situation. It’s Mark, kiddo. What did you expect? “I’m thinking you don’t know him on that level,” she tells us. “I thought he’d never want to see me hurt.”

Bus! Before we go in, we see Jodi crying. She tells the camera that she thought Mark loved her, and she’s an idiot for believing it. No argument here. “And Mark?” she snipes, flipping a blurred bird. “Go fuck yourself.” Now we’re on the bus. A somewhat soused Mark tells Robin that he doesn’t care, and he’s cool if she’s cool. Robin grabs Mark’s face, telling him that Jodi said that he loved her. Mark: “NO! I hear you, you [bleep]!” Julie stands nearby, looking unhappy while wiping her face. Robin reminds Mark that they lived together. Mark: “I don’t want to here it, dude! Deal with the fucking [stumbling for the word] future and the present! Don’t deal with the past!” The past...like how you were a cool guy with some control over your johnson? “It’s a waste of time, dude!” Maybe the real Mark is dead, and this is James Orlando in a Mark mask. What’s with the “dudes”? Jamie looks on in the seat behind Mark, while Beth doesn’t look as happy as I would have guessed. Robin is on the brink of tears, yelling at Mark that she doesn’t want to see him. Montana looks uncomfortable, probably wondering why the hell a woman of her maturity is on this show?

Money shot time. Mark is done with Robin. “You pop off, dude. You’re fucking pissing me off!” He then throws an uppercut that connects with the luggage rack. I hope he bruised a few fingers. Mark tells the driver (or whoever is in charge) that he needs to get out. He grabs the camera. “I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING BUS!” Beth hides her face and laughs. That’s the drama-happy bitch I know and loathe. Mark demands the driver open the door, or he’ll bust a hole out. He interviews, “It goes from Gauntlet 2 to the fucking Jerry Springer Show in about 2.2 seconds.” And whose fault is that? Mark gets off the bus, followed by other players.

Mansion. Mark is hanging with his buddies, bitching about how “she” doesn’t get it. Jamie gravel-voices that Robin is a young girl and an even younger Jodi threw out a “seventh grade reaction,” and that she sees him as “an Adonis.” Mark: “A god.” Flatter yourself much? And I’m starting to worry that we’re losing Jamie to the dark side. Jamie suggests Mark lets things air out a little. Mark interviews that he wants to win missions and squash any arguments.

Clue time! Susie reads off the first line: “Are you ‘sponge-worthy’?” Yadda yadda yadda, meet at Canoe Bay at 9 a.m. Usual cheers, and somebody yells out, “Spongebob!” Cara interviews that she can’t stomach three loses in a row, but her team did lose two weak players. “We’re going in with a positive attitude,” she adds. “We’re not going to lose another challenge.”

Elsewhere, Ruthie and Kina have some captain fun. Kina informs us that she always prepares herself for the Gauntlet. The captains arm wrestle, but it’s not effective with both of them on the same side of the railing. Kina adds that this is one of the most difficult situations that she’s been in. Ruthie admires Kina’s muscles. Kina notes that they’re not like Ruthie’s muscles. She asks Ruthie about being sized up, being the smallest of the Veterans. The camera zooms out from a close-up of Ruthie’s leg. “Not at all,” Ruthie answers. “My life has always been about the fight.” The ladies shake hands. “I’m a survivor. And in the Gauntlet, it’s business. Because you’re going against you own teammates, it’s like you or me, it’s like kill or be killed. Who wants it more.” Ruthie reminds us that if her team loses, she’s going to the Gauntlet...and if she loses there, she’s going home. Outside shot of the mansion. Fake-ass blue and red lightning bolts. Fade to commercials.

Mission site. The players get shin-deep in the waters of Canoe Bay. TJ welcomes them to the site in “beautiful Trinidad & Tobago.” They know where they are, TJ! Anyway, today’s mission is Sponge Worthy. The players will be wearing belts with sponges on them, and they will be taking water from the ocean to put into containers. Each side has to be divided into three teams: soakers, transferers and collectors. Any number of people can be put on any team. Susie expositions that the soakers take ocean water and go to the transferers, giving it to them. Montana adds that the transferers go to the collectors, where the water is put into the containers without the collectors using their hands. TJ notes that the team that fills their container first wins $10,000 for their bank account. Since we have a female Gauntlet today, the winning captain gets a Nintendo DS. Not bad...I screw with those all the time in electronic stores. The losing captain goes to the Gauntlet.

Strategy session. On the Rookie side, Kina figures that can transfer water quickly, but a lack of transferers would make the soaking pointless. Adam interviews that the plan is to have the same number of soakers and transferers, in order to get as much water out of the ocean as possible. Landon demonstrates a poistion, bending down onto a transferer in a humping position. Jeremy expositions that they have the brilliant idea to put sponges on the transferers’ backs and the soakers’ stomachs. The Rookies do a quick cheer.

On the Veteran side, Mark figures they need the most amount of soakers to get the water faster. Julie notes that if they lose the mission, it will be because they have people standing around doing nothing. Suddenly, team members start cursing and try to keep quiet. I didn’t get that. Were they worried about getting their plan stolen? Julie interviews that the Veterans have a crappy strategy. “No one is really throwing that much out there,” she adds. “No one is really giving tons of great ideas.”

TJ blows the airhorn to kick things off. Both sides rush out to soak up the water, then run to the transferers. Mark gives Ruthie a nice hug, and she runs to Syrus, who rams his bald head on her sponge. He repeats that on Montana’s sponge. Adam runs and does a hump motion on Susie, as does Kina. Landon and Alton collect the water with their heads. I guess bald is beautiful in this mission. The Rookies have 20 percent of their container full, while the Veterans come in with 15. “This is a ridiculously sexual challenge,” Jeremy interviews, as we see him squeeze on Cara. “This is for $10,000, but at the same time, you got guys humping girls [shot of Timmy on Jisela] and girls taking their butts and pushing them on other guys’ heads [shot of Montana and Aneesa hugging, squeezing the water out while Syrus helps]. I guess it’s one way for a team to bond.” Alton and Landon smash their heads on girl butt. Landon interviews that he has his head in the bucket under women’s butts, getting soaked in sand and salt water. Rookies maintain the lead, 48-42.

Time for some great quotes. Timmy gets his sponge squeezed by Syrus and Robin. “Squeeze my balls,” he quips as water pours from his shorts, “about two gallons will come out.” Cara hunches over. “Just waiting...to receive it.” Ha! Jeremy rushes in to give it to Cara. She interviews about the mission being perverted, then she apologizes to her mother. MJ runs from the beach to squeeze on a teammate. “I’m sopping wet,” he explains, “and I’m over Ibis, and I think we actually have a kid on the way.” Ibis runs off. Rookies are at 70 percent, Veterans at 62.

Veterans are still running. Beth hugs a guy, while Jisela is left hanging. Jisela interviews that nobody is there to take her water. The Rookies are still running. Cara interviews that they’re blowing the Veterans away, since everybody is working. Sure enough, they’re up, 85-75. More Rookies in the hump mode. Cara calls this “the most successful thing that’s ever happened.” Landon and Alton frantically work with their heads. Ruthie interviews about seeing the Rookies working harder than her team, and they could step it up. Veterans are still soaking. Syrus squeezes off some girls’ water, shouts “Menage!”then moves to Timmy. He interviews that the guys have sponges over their private parts. “I can taste the salt water,” he adds. “I hope there wasn’t no pee.” Cut to Timmy: “Just a little pee, Sy.” Classic.

The Veterans reach 90 percent. Alton and Landon squeeze out some more water. TJ and a referee look in on the action. TJ blows his horn, giving the mission to the Rookies. Cue the usual celebration, with the hugging and declaring that nobody is going home. Kina gets a kiss from Randy, then Alton picks her up and spins her around.

Everybody is shin-deep in the water for the aftermath. TJ gives the $10,000 check to Kina, as well as the Nintendo DS. I would’ve preferred a packaged DS...what if Kina drops it in the water? Anyway, each team has $20,000 in their respective bank accounts. The Veterans have to go back to the house and figure out who faces Ruthie in the Gauntlet. Beth interviews that her teammates will go after her. “People have preconceived notions about who I am,” she adds with a straight face. “They think I’m sneaky, they think I’m a bitch.” Lady, they know you’re a bitch. Ruthie has a sick feeling about going to the Gauntlet. I get my own sick feeling, as I remember a preview where Beth yells about being in charge. The thought of Beth beating Ruthie in anything...I can’t even begin to imagine it.

Gauntlet Deliberation. The players file into the room. Derrick has a bowl of something, as he expositions that it will come down to either Beth or Jisela. Suddenly, Jisela announces that she will go on her own, in order to “save the unity” on the team. She also vows that she won’t go out like a punk like Cameran did. Most of the team claps, thinking on how to get rid of Beth in two episodes.

TJ ambles in to get the team decision, then he spins the wheel. As nervous as Ruthie has proved herself to be, the wheel does her a favor by landing on Captain’s Choice. TJ asks “Ruth” for her pick. She goes for Reverse Tug-Of-War. As always, TJ will explain the rules at the Gauntlet. Did Ruthie just pick that game because of the self-explanatory title? Or do all the captains get the rules for each game along with their posh room?

Gauntlet. TJ welcomes everybody, congratulating the Rookies for their win. He calls down Ruthie and Jisela, who comes in with a big smile and announcing that she’s taking Ruthie out. “Why would you volunteer yourself?” Alton asks in an interview. “The game’s not even close to being over, and there’s still $150,000 waiting for you at the last mission. These people are crazy.” Maybe Jisela did decide to go home early. Or maybe she’s doing her thing with doing four missions in each season. Or maybe she’s feeling lucky. I’d feel better for her if she faced Julie. That girl loves to lose to scrubs.

TJ explains Reverse Tug-Of-War. Both players are connected to each other by ten feet of rope and a weight belt. Each player faces a galley, with a flag waiting on either side of the Gauntlet. First person to get the flag wins and stays in the game. Ace interviews that Jisela could win, and that makes him nervous, since Ruthie is one of best players on the team. TJ gets ready to ring the bell. Adam interviews that he’s love for Jisela to knock out Ruthie. “I love her,” he adds, “but it would definitely weaken their team.”

TJ rings the bell. Now...if Jisela did throw the mission, then I fell for it. Why? Because this is Ruthie we’re talking about. She takes off like a bullet, dumping Jisela on her cushy hinder. Jisela has the belt around her chest, but that doesn’t do anything, as Ruthie grabs the flag for the win. I’m happy...I like Jisela, but Ruthie went out in the worst way last year, and I’d want her to make a return to her dominating days on Battle of the Sexes. Jodi doesn’t think Jisela tried at all. “I know if I’m in there,” she interviews, “I’m not going to just fall over and let someone drag me across the Gauntlet.” Once again...maybe she shouldn’t be talking. Kina gripes about how Cameran got grief from Jisela for bailing out of the Gauntlet, then Jisela bails herself. MJ snipes that Jisela decided to go home without putting up a fight, and he can’t understand that. Note to the Rookies: Jisela was facing Ruthie. Odds are she was going to go home anyway, either today or two weeks from now. So shut your yaps.

TJ congradulates Ruthie for her win. Jisela: “Way to carry my big ass!” TJ then turns on Jisela, saying he couldn’t be more disappointed in her, and that he’s tired of quitters. “The women are disgracing the Gauntlet so far!” he says out loud. Man, shut up. Honestly, I don’t care if Jisela threw the game. Better to have a host with no personality than whatever TJ has. Ruthie raises a finger in protest. “I’m just telling the truth!” TJ keeps going. “Two women Gauntlets, and they both quit! You gave up!” Man, the only way Jeff Probst could have topped this displayed is if he set fire to Lydia. Jisela insists that she didn’t quit. “Go home!” TJ replies, turning Jisela around. “You got twenty minutes to get your stuff! Get out of here!” The Rookies chant TJ’s name. Jisela once threatened to choke Jonny Moseley. Why doesn’t she do something here?

Ruthie gets hugged by Beth and Julie. She’ll be showering for hours later. Julie interviews that Jisela made a sacrifice and she didn’t sit on the side. Jisela gets a hug from Montana. “It’s hard to compete against people that you’ve developed relationships with,” she interviews. “Maybe that’s one of the reasons that the Gauntlets have not been so cutthroat.”

Mansion. Jisela and Aneesa hug. “I just love the girl to death,” Aneesa interviews. “There’s some people in life that you meet and you instantly click with them, and have like an incredible bond. And that’s what I have with her.” More hugging. Aneesa tells Jisela that she lover her company, that Jisela is a good woman, and she doesn’t know what to do. Jisela says that Aneesa will be fine. Aneesa agrees, adding that she’s never felt this bond with anybody. Jisela: “Because we were meant to be friends, always and forever. And there goes an unexplored subplot: were Aneesa and Jisela a couple? I mean, they had similar looks in the first episode, and I saw them hold hands at one point. Listening to Aneesa, I keep hearing “I wish I could quit you” running in my head. Did Jisela at least call Sophia first before moving on to Aneesa?

Farewells. Jisela gets hugs from Jamie and Ace. Ace then turns on Jisela in an interview, saying she was dead weight for the team. “There’s not gonna be any more Gauntlets,” he adds, “where girls just quit. It’s going to be fighting time now.” We see an Aneesa/Jisela/Ruthie/Beth/Julie group hug. Julie interviews that she feels good not to be fighting, and Jisela’s departure will strengthen the team. Jisela gets into the car, saying that it’s not “goodbye,” but “see ya later.” She rides off. Aneesa: “I feel like my girlfriend just left me. That’s how I feel.” She then goes off to cut people with words.

Day turns to night. Players climb off the bus. More random dancing shots. Robin embraces Jodi, interviewing that they’re both cool. “She got fed a bunch of garbage,” Robin adds, “and it’s not the truth. You need to be able to see through it.” Jodi tells Robin that they’re fine. Robin goes on about feeling bad for anybody getting in the middle with her and Mark, since they get hurt. Of course, we see Robin rubbing herself on Mark. I hope Santa got her some standards for Christmas. Mark can’t explain his deal with Robin. “Alls I know,” he interviews, “is when I’m together with that girl, I like it. And I’m not saying it’s ever going to be boyfriend and girlfriend again, but I’ll love her forever. She will always be that someone special in my heart.” They share a light kiss outside. Robin interviews that she doesn’t know if this will work out, and that they’ll gravitate towards each other.

Jodi dances. She interviews that she has feeling that are hard to shut off. “It’s just a matter of just being that bigger person,” she continues, “and just knowing that there is somebody else out there that will love me and really mean it.” Cut to Jodi with Alton. Great choice, there. Bonus: if Jodi loses in the Gauntlet and the Veterans tell him to help her pack, he can flip out all over again. Alton interviews that Jodi is going to have a hard time seeing Mark with somebody else, but time heals all wounds. “She’s young,” he adds, “she’s intelligent, she’s going to figure herself out and she’s going to be great.” They walk off-camera. Fade to black. And remember, ladies...if Mark Long walks up to you? Run. Just run. Or maybe kick him in the nuts and run.

Next time: players have to don Speedos and roll around in body paint. But that’s nothing compared to the Main Event. Derrick to Brad: “YOU ARE SHUTTING ME DOWN FOR NO FUCKING REASON!” Brad interviews that Derrick gets defensive, so he gets defensive as well. He tells Derrick that he’s not scared of him. Derrick to camera: “You deserce to get hit in your fuckin’ mouth.” Awesome! See you then!