Who Wants To Be A Superhero? #2: Mad Dogs & Makeovers

We’ve established that this show is a hit, but there’s one problem: it takes too long to get into the action. Apparently, we’ll be getting the introductory spiel every week. Not only is that two minutes and 44 seconds long, but you can make out who gets eliminated from the highlights. Then we have 41 seconds of cheesy credits, followed by 1:10 worth of recap from last week’s episode. That’s 4:35 before any new material.

Previously on Who Wants To Be A Superhero?: Stan Lee assembled twelve novices aspriring to be the next great superhero. Wait...I meant eleven, since Rotiart was working with Stan from the beginning to weed out those that don’t have their hearts in the right place. Oh, and “Rotiart” spelled backwards is “Traitor.” In an ironic twist for a show that parallels The Apprentice, Levity the action figure entrepreneur was dismissed. Next, the heroes had to go out in public, change into their costumes, and run back. Sounds simple...until we see a little girl crying for her mommy. Nitro G not only missed the kid, but he also had people noticing him change, so he was sent packing to Staten Island, where his fellow working at the comic shop will never let him hear the end of it. Nine heroes remain...who turns in their costume tonight?

Stan wastes no time in assembling the heroes to the living room. There’s Monkey Woman in the kitchen in full costume. I’m guessing that the players are in hero drag 24/7. Does spandex smell after constant wear? Lemuria interviews that she gets scared and excited when Stan pops up because she doesn’t know if they’re going on a mission or if an elimination is coming.

The team gathers around the monitor. Stan has a pre-breakfast assignment for them. “If you think the person standing next to you is not superhero material,” he says, “now is the time to let me know.” The task: write questions to ask to each other. No names need to be given. Put the questions in a tube, and stick that in a pseudo-pneumatic pipe, so Stan can read them out loud. “Let’s see how each of you reacts under pressure,” he continues, “when you’re on the hot seat.”

The gang writes down their questions, sneaking looks at each other. Tyveculus wishes it wasn’t an anoymous procedure, and he feels these questions shows a person’s hear and true character. Iron Enforcer writes his stuff down. He interviews: “Bet your ass I got some questions for these pinheads.” Save your hatred, folks...it’s gonna be a long episode. Creature collects the questions in the tube and drops in down the pipe, as we get a cheesy CGI lightshow.

Stan’s back with the questions. “Ouch,” he playfully winces at the query for Creature. “This is a little rough.” The question: “Your hair is starting to scare me. When [was] the last time you washed it?” The heroes laugh, but that quickly fades. Creature notes that her hair stores her powers, and washing it renders her powerless. Enforcer gives out a “What the hell?!?” face. “Creature needs to work on her appearance,” he snipes in an interview. “She looks like a homeless Princess Leia.”

Stan: “This next question is a little mean-spirited.” Fat Momma grins until she hears this: “Do you really think that a fat superheroine would be a good role model for children?” Tense music plays as the heroes look on and Iron Enforcer grins. “I certainly do,” Momma replies, “or I wouldn’t be here.” She looks hurt in her interview, saying that if anybody has a problem with her weight, they should say it to her face. I understand the pain, but come on. She’s heavy, has “fat” in her name, has “Nell” as her real first name, and she wasn’t expecting a question like that? Gimme a break.

Iron Enforcer gets the next question: “It’s starting to stink in here. Would it kill you to use a little anti-perspirant?” Everybody gets a chuckle out of this, including Enforcer himself. Fat Momma: “He doesn’t even wear clothes! All he has ro do is wash under his arms and put on some deodorant.” Enforcer responds by simulating pass gas. “Whatever,” he interviews. “I don’t care what people think of me. I’m not here to make any friends at all. I’m only here to win the prize.”

The next question goes to Major Victory, who is all smiles. “Do you think a superhero who’s a male stripper sends a bad message to the kids?” More tense music, as the smile all but vanishes. The Major interviews that this was a low blow, and he’d like to know who asked that. The heroes laugh as Major tries to spin about how he’s not a stripper anymore, and that he could spread his experience to the youth. Tyveculus tries to run with that, but Major cuts him off: “I’m not saying, ‘Hit a pole, kids!’” Nice recovery. He interviews that he just wanted to show that he learned from his mistakes.

Last question goes to our least-favorite bald-headed goon: “Iron Enforcer seems to be on steroids. Is that legal?” Monkey Woman and Lemuria’s mouths hang open. “If steroids are used for a positive thing,” Enforcer answers, “I think it’s a good thing, no?” The others remain quiet, and Fat Momma looks stunned. “What the hell?” Enforcer interviews. “Are you kidding me? I look better than anyone else in this house. How dare they single me out when they’re the ones with all the problems.” Okay, then. Creature wraps things up by telling us this was the “first cruel day” because the line between people and their alter egos is getting blurred. Stan dismisses the team so that they can have a quick breakfast before the next challenge.

Kitchen. Lemuria wonders what the next challenge will be. Major Victory figures it will be hard. Naturally, Stan pops up on the monitor. He notes that the group answered questions that tested their emotional courage and integrity, and it’s time to test one of the qualities that make a superhero.

Now we’re riding in “the transport.” Stan voiceovers to the gang, leading them to a “little old lady” who has locked herself out of the house. Said granny thanks the heroes for their arrival, as Major Victory and Feedback snap off quick salutes. Granny tells the team to go through an alley, where she’ll wait for them at the door. Cut to the team walking in slow-motion. “All you have to do,” Stan voiceovers, “is climb over the back fence, go through the back door, and let her into the house.” The team finds the fence and do a quick homage to The Little Rascals, as they pop their heads over the top. Anybody else smell the aroma of multiple takes? Cut to two really determined German Shepherds barking and snarling. Very nice. The heroes look scared, while the dogs bark, snarl, and push on a loose piece of fence. Only thing missing here is bits of Levity and Nitro G’s costumes hanging from their teeth.

Coming back from commercials, we get a warning: “The following event involves HIGHLY TRAINED ATTACK DOGS under the supervision of experts and should not be attempted by anyone anywhere, anyplace under ANY circumstances.” Just once, I’d like to see a warning that ends with “Y’know what? Screw it. Get yourself hurt or killed. See if we care.”

Dogs barking. Nervous heroes. Fat Momma tells us that the dogs almost knocked the fence over getting to the heroes. “Holy smokes,” Lemuria interviews. “There’s the back door, and it looks like it’s a mile away.”

Suddenly, an ambulance siren wails, as the vehicle screeches to a halt. Two guys pop out, open the back doors...and there’s Stan on the monitor, which is resting on a stretcher. He tells his charges that he would hate for their costumes to be ruined. One of the guys presents a protective suit, complete with “Major Victory” on the back. Major: “I think I have a new name: Major Dog Food.”

Stan goes over the challenge: get past the dogs and touch the back door with any part of the body. This challenge is all about courage and tenacity, and if any hero loses courage, all they have to do is say “uncle” for the dogs to back off. Stan expresses his curiosity about who makes it to the door, and how long they last before giving up. Tyveculus volunteers to go first, so he can tire the dogs out. “Be my guest,” Creature interviews, “as long as it’s not me.”

Tyveculus gets suited up, while the dogs growl in anticipation. He interviews that he’s faced dangerous situations as a firefighter in the past, but his heart is racing right now. Ty drops over the fence and charges. The dogs charge. Ty actually knocks both dogs down, forcing at least one of them to whimper. Both canines hang onto Ty’s left sleeve as he hits the ground and flips over. He quickly crawls up the stairs leading to the door, lifting a dog with him. Ty touches the door after sixteen seconds, pushing one of the pooches away afterwards. Shot of Ty staring at the dogs. Shot of one of them barking. Shot of Ty looking back fiercely. He interviews that he accomplished his mission, and he doesn’t think anybody can match his time.

Creature steps up next, laughing as the dogs bark at her. “Tyveculus made it,” she interviews. “I weigh as much as one of his legs. I’m chopped liver, and dogs like liver.” She runs out, only to get knocked back by the dogs. One goes for her arm, while another grabs a leg. They manage to drag her around before she cries uncle after twelve seconds. Creature gasps and laughs afterwards. She interviews that the dogs were playing tug-of-war with her. Let’s go to the 'Roid Gallery for reaction. “It’s one thing to laugh if you accomplish your goal,” Iron Enforcer interviews, “but Blondie didn’t even make it to the door, and she was laughing anyway. How stupid is that?”

Speaking of the Enforcer, he’s up next. He interviews about being a bouncer, and how he’ll throw the dogs across the field if necessary. He lets the dogs come to him, and they slam into him so hard that the fence opens up from the impact. Both dogs grab his left sleeve as he makes a run for it, dragging his new friends along for the ride. Enforcer makes it to the steps, falls over...and then yells uncle in 23 seconds. Huh? He tells us that he can’t believe he did that one step away from the door. Monkey Woman: “How are you that big and get that close to the door, and just quit? I don’t understand it.”

Feedback interviews about refusing to let Stan down again. He adds, “It’s gonna take more than two attack dogs to stop me.” Both dogs charge, grabbing Feedback’s left side, sending him stumbling. Caption: “You...will...not...take...me...down!” Damn, Feedback loves ellipses as much as I do. The dogs do take him down to the ground, pulling him away from the door. Feedback: “This...will not...be the end.” Aside from Iron Enforcer, I’d say Feedback makes me the most nervous amongst the heroes. He touches the door at 33 seconds. “It felt amazing to complete my mission,” he interviews. “Stan’s gotta be proud of me now.”

Here comes Fat Momma, snacking on a cruller before her run. So those doughnuts aren’t mere props? The dogs bark as Momma tossing a cruller onto the grass. Shot of dogs panting. Shot of the doughnut lying there. Shot of the dogs barking some more. Momma lumbers in her suit, crullers dropping from the clips in the front. The beasts grab her left sleeve, pulling her down and working on her collar. Momma declares that she can’t budge, and she uncles out at 18 seconds, laughing while laying on the ground. She interviews that she hoped the dogs would go for the doughnuts. Cut to the cruller still lying in the grass...and one of the dogs snaps it up. Very cute, even if it is editorial manipulation.

Major Victory climbs up the fence, playfully taunting the dogs. “This’ll be a cinch,” he brags in an interview. “Dogs love me, and I’m pretty easy to digest.” He salutes the “ferocious animals” before dropping to the other side. The dogs hang onto each arm, but the Major doesn’t go down. In fact, he manages to walk the dogs on their hind legs, snarking about how sexy they are. As much as I can’t stand the constant cheese, I have to give props for the effort. He reaches the door at 17 seconds, then proceeds to make humping motions and shouting, “Feel the love, baby! Feel the love!” He interviews that he was into it, and how he got an incredible adrenaline rush. “How’s my hair?” he asks the camera, as a tooth-sparkling effect is put in. Oy.

Lemuria steps up for her run, and she can’t believe that she’s walking into the yard with the “vicious dogs.” She runs, but they jump up and knock her down, pulling on her sleeves. She struggles and uncles out at 18 seconds. She interviews about trying, and now she hopes Stan doesn’t eliminate her.

Up comes Cell Phone Girl, who was bit by a dog once when she was young. This won’t end well. She jumps down, and the dogs knock her down, forcing her to say uncle after a mere four seconds. “I have a horrible headache,” she voiceovers, “and those dogs made it worse.” Cut to her lying on her back, groaning about how being a superhero was harder than she thought. Cue the tense music of foreshadowing.

Final hero up: Monkey Woman. She reminds us about disappointing Stan last week, and he gave her another chance. She adds, “Those dogs are going to have to kill me before I stop.” She drops down, runs out, and the dogs slam into her. Cut to the others turning their heads, followed by Creature running up to the fence to get a look. The dogs gnaw on Monkey Woman’s jacket, and we fade into art.

Back from commercials, the dogs are still snacking on our primate princess. Creature tells Monkey Woman to tap out, but she isn’t about to hear it. The dogs drag her about by the sleeve and collar. Elapsed time: 0:26 and counting. Creature interviews that she’s getting worried about Monkey Woman. Elapsed time: 1:11. The dogs are not letting go. Monkey Woman gasps as she’s dragged, and the dogs are still going at it. Time elapses: 3:47, 5:19, 7:06. On the up side, she’s getting dragged closer to the door. Fat Momma interviews that everybody else had either gotten to the door or quit in under one minute. She adds, “That girl just wouldn’t give up!”

Time elapsed: 9:03. Monkey Woman finally makes it up the stairs, the dogs pulling on her as she climbs up. At long last, she taps the door at 9:42. She gasps for the camera, telling us that this was the hardest thing she’s done. “I made it to that door,” she interviews afterwards. “I don’t care if it took me three hours. I was not going to give up.” Cut to her at the door making monkey noises, then fakes a fainting spell. At least I hope she was faking it.

Stan hits the heroes up on their communicators, complimenting them on the mission. He reminds that an elimination can happen at any time...and that time is now. Stan orders the team back to the living room over at the lair. Somebody’s gonna get cut.

Living room. The heroes line up in front of the monitor. Stan pops up, telling the group that the challenge was about courage...particularly for Monkey Woman. “I don’t know,” he continues, “if I’ve ever seen anything like what you did today.” She beams, the memories of getting shamed last week fading fast. “Young lady, I am very proud of you.” After Monkey Woman thanks Stan, he notes that not all of the heroes made it to the door, and three of them reacted in ways that makes him question their will to be superheroes.

Stan goes to Cell Phone Girl first, pointing out her complaining about her headache, followed by giving up. “If the world is in grave danger,” Snarky Stan wonders, “do we just ignore it because of a headache?” Since her time of four seconds was the shortest run, she gets to step forward.

Next, Stan takes a shot at Iron Enforcer. Again. Stan calls Enforcer the “biggest and strongest” one in the group, then brings up his giving up twelve inches from the door. He adds, “You just cannot get that close to accomplishing something and then quit.” Once again, Iron Enforcer steps forward towards possible elimination.

Stan moves on to Lemuria and Creature, since something bothered him in each of their runs. He tells Lemuria that she got far, but she let the dogs drag her away. “A little strategy might have come in handy there,” he opines. “You’ve got to be smarter with these challenges.” To her credit, Lemuria doesn’t ask Stan to put on the protective suit and see how long he lasts with the dogs. Instead, she wipes her eye. Stan then comes to Creature’s laughing during the mission. He's on the same wavelength as Iron Enforcer in terms of laughing while failing, but at least Stan isn’t a dick about it. Stan adds that the laughing makes him question her commitment and sincerity. Since Lemuria lasted longer in the mission, Creature is asked to step forward.

Stan asks the trio of troubled heroes to state why they shouldn’t be eliminated. Cell Phone Girl brings up the headache she still has, adding that she’s proud of herself for trying. Iron Enforcer’s plea: “I don’t want the others to get to know me for my physical side, which is the most apparent. It’s the spiritual side of me that’s my best quality. This is why I would like to say.” Say what? Creature claims the only sound she could make was laughter, and that fueled her. “I’m ready,” she declares, “and I might do it laughing, but I will be there and I’ll do it.” Stan claims that this is the most difficult decision he’s had to make, but somebody has to go home. Close-ups on our three heroes as we fade to art.

Coming back, Stan makes his choice: Cell Phone Girl. My approximate reaction: “ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!” Let’s just say I’m not a fan of Iron Enforcer...at least not yet. Enforcer looks relieved, and Creature glances at CPG. Stan: “I’m afraid you’re out of minutes.” Oh, that stunk. How about “Looks like your number is up”? Stan asks CPG to turn in her costume. She walks to the garbage can, taking off her gloves and discarding them. She interviews about being dissapointed, since she put so much time into being a superhero. She drops her cell phone and its case into the can, along with her cape. Lightning, fire, smoke, goodbye. Stan wraps things up by saying that everybody will miss CPG, and asks the team to meet him first thing tomorrow morning. He has a surprise for them that they might like.

Night lapses to day. Heroic music plays as Stan tells the team what this day is all about: fantasy fulfillment. Today, each hero is going to get a costume makeover. This triggers a huge reaction, as Stan calls on Lemuria to join him in another room.

Lemuria walks towards the camera, and we get a heels-to-head pan of her outfit: golden one-piece suit, high heels, and no visible bra. She interviews that she can’t wait to see Stan’s vision for her. “As far as your costume,” Stan notes, “disco is from the Seventies!” “And so am I,” Lemuria laughs. Stan calls forth two ladies in white suits and dark shades. He instructs them to give her what he wants, ordering them to blindfold her until she looks in a mirror. It’s awesome...the show is ripping off The Swan, but it’s a good thing.

The makeover maidens escort the blindfolded Lemuria to another room. We get a cheesy earthquake effect and a bright flash of light behind the doors. The room opens up to show Lemuria sparkling, CGI style. She now has more practical boots, a cape, some black to go with her gold, a collar that’s turned up, long gloves, and some cris-cross support up top. Stan orders her to remove the blindfold, and she walks to the mirror with closed eyes. Her reaction? Laughter and happiness. She tells us that she feels like a superhero. “It makes me feel like I can throw fireballs!” she gushes.

Lemuria rejoins the group, and they are in total awe about the makeover. She celebrates by busting out some martial arts moves. Monkey Woman loves Lemuria’s new costume, and she can’t wait to see her own makeover.

Here comes Tyveculus. He has black boots, a little exposed leg, a tunic, a breastplate with his symbol, a cape and a helmet. Honestly, not much tweaking to be done here. Stan asks Ty if he can trust him. Naturally, Ty consents to the revisions. The makeover maidens bring him to the hidden room. The doors close. Afterwards...oh, my. Ty still has boots and a cape. The breastplate has eight glittery things that spell out “T.” It looks like Tana Goertz got her hands on a Bedazzler and attacked Ty. The worst accessories? It’s a toss-up between the Trojanesque helmet with feathers sticking out (think Marvin the Martian) and the shoulder pads pointing to the sides. Ty opens his eyes, and we get the sound of a car screeching to a halt. He looks startled, gasping out a “whoa.” Sinister Stan says that this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind, and he asks Ty what he thinks. Ty manages to squeeze out a smile. “Today,” he declares, “my fantasy’s been fulfilled. I am a superhero. No...by the source of light, I am Tyveculus!” Right now, I’m not getting tired of that. Stan is glad that Ty is a happy camper, but Ty interviews that he was going to stay strong, yet he was doubting on the inside.

Tyveculus comes out, as the other heroes laugh and cheer. Ty seems cool at first, going as far as chicken-dancing with Major Victory. Feedback interviews that the new costume looks ridiculous, and the feathers make the helmet look like a giant fan. “Right now,” he tells Ty, “you’re Stan Lee’s biggest fan!” Ty is taken aback, as Feedback flashes the biggest smile. Hello, Major Dickweed! Ty asks Feedback if he doesn’t like it, and Feedback smiles and says nothing. Ty interviews about telling Stan that he liked the new duds, but he doesn’t like them. He adds, “I got this big feathery cock-a-doodle-doo on top of my head.” Ty tries to cut the feathers down, but he looks like a demented Mohawk. Ty makes a decision: he’s going to talk to Stan again and hope there’s no anger. In the dressing room. Stan keeps a straight face and asks Ty if he has a problem with the new outfit. Ty looks sheepish, and we fade to art.

Coming back, Tyveculus decides that he’ll deal with his new look, and that it’s okay to be laughed at. Stan: “It’s not ever okay for a superhero to be laughed at.” He orders Ty to put on his original costume. Ty interviews that he should be relieved, but he’s worried about letting Stan down.

Next up: Major Victory, Fat Momma and Feedback. Doors close, lights go off, yadda yadda yadda. Major Victory: “Yes! Mr. Shiny Pants!” All the makeover maidens did was give him a brighter outfit with padding, as well as replacing the “V” emblem that came off earlier. I’ll give credit to the Big Red Weiner: his costume is refreshing basic, and there’s little to improve on. Stan laughs as the Major, as he brags about not needing to work out anymore.

Fat Momma has her hair done up, stars dotting her collar. Her boots and top are still pink, but it looks more professional. She also has her own insignia: two lines forming a “M” on her chest. Also, her crullers have been moved to her sides. Stan: You have suddenly become Hot Momma now!” Didn’t need to hear that from Lecherous Lee.

Feedback has a costume that looks like something Frank Quitely designed for the X-Men. It looks like leather from head to toe, with a slanted “F” on his chest. Feedback loves the new look, as he whoops it up and breaks out the karate kicks. Stan: “Now that’s a superhero!”

More makeovers: Creature, Iron Enforcer and Monkey Woman. Creature comes out with braided hair, eyeshadow, a new top and black socks instead of striped. She loves the new looks. Monkey Woman’s fuzzy top is gone. I don’t see any other changes aside from a rolled-up vine on her side. He tells her that she has to live up to the costume. She responds the only way she can: with monkey noises. As for Iron Enforcer? He has white stuff on his right ankle and left knee, and that’s about it. He still looks like something Rob Liefeld drew in the mid-90s. Stan thinks that something isn’t right, but he can’t put a finger on it. Enforcer interviews that he doesn’t know what Stan is thinking. Stan tells the gruff hero that he’ll get back to him.

The neophytes show off their new duds to each other. Much happiness and hugging ensues. Tyveculus comes back in his original costume, and he tells the gang about how he didn’t like Stan’s new look for him. Feedback nods, agreeing with him. Ty interviews that he’s worried Stan will cut him. Speaking of Stan, here he is to remind the heroes that they’re being judged at all times...and it’s time for an elimination. Cut to Tyveculus, doing everything but tossing his helmet in the trash can. Stan tells the gang that he’ll see them on the roof.

Rooftop. Nine cubes lit up, two remaining dark in memory of Nitro G and Cell Phone Girl. The heroes step up on the cubes. Stan pops up on the billboard screen, going over the makeovers, noting that he watched how they acted. Tyveculus puts his head down. “Actually,” Stan continues, “it was quite telling.” Shots of nervous heroes. Stan goes through the spiel: three heroes step forward, one gets axed. Our trio this time: Tyveculus, Iron Enforcer and Feedback.

Stan sinks his teeth into Tyveculus first, saying that he was taken aback. Cut to flashback: “My fantasy has been fulfilled. I am a superhero.” Damn, that’s nasty. Stan says that he has no problem with Ty not liking the costume. “Honesty is one of the most important traits of a superhero,” he continues. “And yet you lied right to my face.” Come on...Stan wasn’t even in the room!

Lecturing Lee moves on to Feedback, unable to believe he made fun of Tyveculus’ new costume. Flashback: “Right now, you’re Stan Lee’s biggest fan!” Stan: “Superheroes make people feel better about themselves, not worse.” Feedback make an “Oh, crap” face He interviews that things make sense now, and he never should’ve teased Ty.

Stan comes to Iron Enforcer, noting that his head is on the chopping block at every elimination. He brings up passing poor Alice last week, as well as punking out with the dogs and not being liked by the other heroes, what with the accusations of body odor and steroid use. Also, the makeover didn’t seem to work. “I don’t know,” Stan notes, “maybe I just can’t past that gun.” Sing along if you know the words: “Superheroes don’t kill, they save people.” The music starts to swell. Stan says that it’s time for one hero to leave the lair. Tyveculus’ head is down. Enforcer waits for the decision. Feedback looks ten seconds from exploding.

Coming back from commericals, Stan drops the hammer on...Iron Enforcer! Finally! “Iron Enforcer...turn in your costume.” The big fella walks to the trash can, throwing out his gun and gloves. Fat Momma: “Usually I’m kinda sad to see someone go, but he didn’t really fit in with all of us anyway. Plus, it’s sure gonna smell a lot nicer around here.” Enforcer takes off his arm wrap, balancing it on the gun. Lightning strikes, magically obliterating Enforcer’s gear.

The heroes take in the lastest dismissal, as Stan congratulates them for surviving. “Do not get complacent,” he adds, “because trust me, your quest is about to get more difficult. Much more difficult.”

Outside, Iron Enforcer storms out with a shirt on, pushing back branches from his face. “I’m really pissed right now about this whole thing,” he interviews. “Stan Lee throwing me out, it’s ridiculous. You think Fat Woman is a superhero? You must be kidding me.” Just as the hatred within me builds, we hear this: “Hey! Iron Enforcer!” It’s Stan! He’s coming in on a television near some garbage. What happens next makes for some good times.

Stan remains Iron Enforcer about how something was bothering him...and now he has it. “You make a lousy superhero,” Stan says. “But you’d make a great supervillian.” Enforcer: “Really?” The veiny-armed, baldheaded gorilla with the big plastic gun never thought he’d be a bad guy? Okay, let’s run with it. Stan: “Spider-Man had the Green Goblin. Superman had Lex Luthor. I want you to be the new supervillain of this show. You can help test your former competitors to see if they really got what it takes.” Enforcer: “Yeah.” Satanic Stan: “How would you like to help me make their lives extremely difficult?” Enforcer cracks a smile. “I would love it,” he answers. Stan: “Can I give you the makeover you really deserve, a supervillian makeover?” Enforcer: “Sure.” Stan: “Good.” Enforcer’s face: “Wait...what did I just agree to do?”

Stan: “Ladies?” A white van screeches to a halt, and the makeover maidens get out. They’re still wearing white, which is weird given what’s about to happen. Also: how come we don’t see Rotiart driving? That would’ve been cool. The maidens take measurements, then hustle him into the van. The front seat of the van lights up. Stan: “Life for our superheroes is about to change...when they meet my newest creation...the Dark Enforcer.” A figure jumps out of the van. It’s hard to tell if it’s our freak, since he’s wearing a mask. So that’s what we’ve been missing! He’s got a loose mask, a dark helmet with spikes, and a black costume with criss-crossing silver straps. Dark Enforcer strikes an evil pose. Fade to art. “To Be Continued...” Damn right.

I think Iron Enforcer was a plant from the beginning. Think about it...why would Stan keep a gun-toting goon last this long? If he was a ringer from the start, then the dismissals of Levity, Nitro G and Cell Phone Girl make even more sense. Also, Enforcer’s real name is listed as “Steel Chambers.” C’mon, now. And I wouldn’t believe that somebody could be as belligerent as he has been. I’ll only concede as far as him getting “recruited” by the producers to be the bad guy, followed by taping unflattering interview segments. But if we find out that the Enforcer was an actor from the start, don’t forget who called it.

Next time: Dark Enforcer...unleashed! Damsel in distress! Tyveculus: “What is this treachery!” Step away from the Chenbot and “Chilltown,” True Believers, and get in on the fun!