Who Wants To Be A Superhero? #3: Stan Never Promised A Rose Garden

Previously on Who Wants To Be A Superhero?: The remaining heroes had their courage tested by two trained attack dogs. Cell Phone Girl lasted a mere four seconds, and that was enough for Stan Lee to suspend her service. The heroes got shiny new costumes which they all liked...except for Tyveculus, who drew the short straw with an outfit that would guarantee a beatdown anywhere he’d go. In the end, Stan had enough of Iron Enforcer, what with the failed challenges, the bad attitude, and the accusations of body odor and steroid abuse. However, Stan decided to recruit Enforcer as the show’s resident supervillian: Dark Enforcer. Seven heroes remain...who gets eliminated tonight?

Good news: the opening spiel got cut down to one minute and three seconds, reducing the time before the new episode to 3:42. So cheers to Bruce Nash for taking out the extraneous stuff.

Lair. We hear the familiar noises of Monkey Woman as she – what else? – monkeys around, dusting a shelf while hanging from a nearby wall. She interviews that she has to excel at today’s challenge in order to win the game. Feedback practices his high-kicks in the living room. He reminds us about getting redcubed last week, and now he’s going to be even more serious and fouced on becoming the ultimate superhero. He kicks again...and somehow turns on the ceiling fan. I’m thinking that Stan will install a Danger Room for the next season. In the bathroom, Lemuria is scrubbing around the toilet rim using her foot. She thinks she’s in the lead, and she needs not to do anything to make Stan think badly of her. Like what? Cleaning the john using those expensive boots?

Stan summons the heroes into the living room. “Greetings, True Believers!” Drink! He goes into a spiel about how every superhero has a supervillain, and that the bad guy is almost as important as the hero himself. “In fact,” he adds, “sometimes it seems that the supervillain defines the superhero.” He draws the usual examples: Batman & Joker, Spider-Man & Green Goblin. “However,” he gravely intones, “there is one additional supervillian who might just be the greatest menace of all, because he is someone who’s threatening all of you, it’s right here and right now.” Whuh oh. Dramatic music plays as the heroes look at each other.

Suddenly, the lights flicker and go out. The heroes look around, all of them on red alert. A white light bursts from the stairs. Heroes go into defensive positions, especially Monkey Woman with her staff. A cloaked figure walks up the stairs. Feedback looks like his head’s about to explode.

The figure walks in front of the heroes. “Mr. Supervillain,” Stan asks, “what do you think makes a good arch-nemesis?” The villain speaks in an altered tone: “Maybe it’s a guy who’s been shunned by other people. Maybe it’s everyone’s favorite punching bag.” Holy crap...I could be a supervillain! Creature smiles, Lemuria gasps, and Tyveculus shakes his head. “Maybe it’s a guy who everyone claims uses steroids.” Ty: “No, it can’t be.” I guess nobody said, “So you’re not Levity?” “Maybe it’s me,” the villain declares, taking his hood and mask off, “THE DARK ENFORCER!” Dun dun duuuuuun! I’ll give this to Steel Chambers...the buggy eyes really sell the evilness. On the down side, the editors break off Ty shouting, “What is this treachery?!?” so all you hear is, “What is this-?!?” Bad form, guys.

Anyway, the heroines smile while the guys try their best to look determined. “None of you deserve to be on this show!” Dark Enforcer declares, “And I’m takin’ every one of you out!” Tyveculus pounds his chest plate, itching for a fight. Enforcer calls Ty a “joke,” then declares he doesn’t like any of the heroes. Major Victory: “Man, that was hellafunny, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Enforcer: “SHUT UP!” Great...the one other guy who doesn’t like the Major, and it’s this 'roided rival. Fat Momma snaps about Enforcer’s body odor, only to have Lemuria telling her to shut up. Enforcer reminds them that he was on their side once, but they insulted him. “The game starts tonight,” he seethes, as Major Victory gives his own gritty look. “I suggest you all watch your backs.” Tyveculus looks exasperated, interviewing about feeling betrayed because being a bad guy wasn’t what Enforcer signed up for. Ty...I love ya, but if the Enforcer was a bigger plant, he’d be Swamp Thing. Fat Momma tells us that she has to keep her eyes and ears open.

After Dark Enforcer departs, Stan tells the team that they’re probably shocked, but he reminds them that there would be twists, and Dark Enforcer is proof of that. “From this point on,” Stan says, “you’d better be on your game, because now more than ever, nothing will be exactly as it seems.”

Meeting. Creature tells us that the others became angry about the Enforcer turning evil because they don’t know what will happen next. Tyveculus gripes that he’d rather go back to his job than play a “bad person” for the show. Fat Momma figures that’s just Enforcer, and she states that it’s important to tell the truth, and nobody says to walk around and be nice. Lemuria: “Nice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to lose at the end of the game. I still want to be friends with these people.” Momma: “If you’re silly enough to let it get to you and not be a goo sport at the end...” Now the two heroines are fighting, and I’m feeling that I’m missing some of the story. Lemuria dismisses Momma, saying that this is what “they” want. Momma goes on about winning the game. Lemuria: “Kiss my natural brown ass!” Damn! More bickering. Feedback deduces that Dark Enforcer has done his job because heroes are turning on each other. He tells the team that they’ll rise whenever they get challenged.

Feedback expositions that Stan sent them out on a challenge. The deal: each hero gets $20. One at a time, they walk into a nearby café and order lunch. Stan will decide if their choices are befitting of a superhero. Separate shots of the heroes walking into the café in full costume. Feedback figures this is a trap because it’s “too easy,” but he didn’t see any cameras in the place, so he hung out and got his food. He thanks a waitress, and she gives a weird smile. For some reason, I think she might have been on a reality show. Then again, I’d probably think that of anybody 18-30 in Los Angeles and in good shape.

Lair. The heroes file in, putting their food down. I wonder how many of them ordered hero sandwiches. Stan welcomes them and is about to start when he’s interrupted. “Excuse me, boss,” Dark Enforcer says, as the music gets dramatic and the heroes make “oh, crap!” faces. Enforcer pops up on a screen next to the one Stan’s on, which must be a perk for turning to the dark side. “You got bigger fish to fry than this stupid food game!” he tells Stan. “You’d be surprised what we can find with a little bribery and a restaurant full of cameras.” He asks Stan the first rule for being a superhero. Stan’s response: never give up the secret identity. Cut to the heroes looking sad. Enforcer: “Ooooh, you’re not gonna like this, boss.” Stan folds his arms like a pissed-off teacher. Enforcer mockingly waves to the heroes, and we fade to art.

After a quick recap, Stan orders the footage to be rolled. Dark Enforcer disappears in favor of black-and-white footage from the café. Tyveculus tells the waitress that he’ll take his order to go. There’s a mild flirtatious vibe about Ty sticking around, since he doesn’t want to scare the customers. She asks for his name, and he introduces himself as Tyveculus, “Ty” for short. I feel vindicated for abbreviating the name. The waitress presses for his real name Finally, Ty asks her to keep it to herself, since people could be watching. He slips his driver’s license from underneath an armband. Very suave. She reads it out loud: “E. Quincy Sloan.” D’oh! Back at the lair, Ty looks on, while Stan shakes his head. Ty interviews about being pissed at himself. “[Dark Enforcer] might have set up the trap,” he adds, “but I’m the one that walked right into it.”

Footage. Feedback orders his food, and the same waitress asks if he’s an actor. He says that he isn’t, then introduces himself. Once again, she asks for a real name. Tense music plays. Feedback: “I can’t disclose my secret identity.” Triumphant music plays, and Stan gives a slight smile. On the other screen, Dark Enforcer gives the “I’ll get you next time!!!” face. Feedback interviews that he’s happy about not letting Stan down, adding that this challenge was easy. “Cameras or no cameras,” he points out, “a superhero never gives up his true identity.”

Footage. Creature giggles to a waiter. He asks if she’s on a reality show, then asks for her name. She gives it up right away: “Tonya Kay.” The waiter asks if they have to wear the costumes all day. She tells him about her new outfit, which he thinks is sexy. “Man, I really failed this test,” she interviews. “How could I have fallen for that?”

Up next is Lemuria. Jimmy (the waiter) asks for her name, and she introduces herself as “Tonatzin." She blinks at the footage, wondering what she was thinking, and knowing she fell for it.

Here comes Major Victory, who has passed every test so far. Waitress: “As a human, I’m CC.” Major: “CC? As a human, I’m Chris.” Down goes the Major! Down goes the Major! CC asks if he’s on a reality show, and he confirms it. “This really was an eye-opener for me,” he glumly interviews. “Sadly, today I was a weiner, not a winner.”

Next to the plate is Fat Momma. Jimmy introduces himself, then asks for her real name. Cue the thick tension. “Just Fat Momma,” she tells him. “I’m trying to rid the world of bullies, one doughnut at a time.” I’m guessing that the heroes get paid every time they spout off their catchphrases. Stan smiles, while Momma tries not to beam too brightly. “I just like to go around,” she tells Jimmy, “and see what I can do to help people out.” She interviews about being proud of her actions.

Finally, we come to Monkey Woman. Jimmy gives her a bunch of bananas. She introduces herself as “Monkey Woman, a.k.a. Mary.” Uh oh. Jimmy asks if this is a reality show. She nods. He admits to wanting to become an actor, but he doesn’t know how to start. Monkey Woman offers up three websites for him to check up. Stan folds his arms. “I have really messed up,” Monkey Woman admits. “I was trying to help that waiter, but all I was doing was giving away valuable information.”

Denouement. Stan cannot believe what he saw. Dark Enforcer: “Oops!” He’s obnoxious, but the group totally deserved that. Stan orders the team into the living room...it’s time for an elimination. Feedback’s face looks tense, and he actually did the right thing. Major Victory: “I have a new name: Major Dumbass.” Dark Enforcer taunts the heroes, wishing them luck.

Living room. Stan goes into review mode, noting that the challenge was about commitment and sincerety. He wanted to find which heroes can commit to their persona, and which ones can be easily persuaded. Needless to say, he was shocked by the results. He goes off about Superhero Commandment Numero Uno: Thou Shalt Not Give Up Thy Secret Identity. “Look at Clark Kent and Peter Parker,” Stern Stan lectures. “How many times have they been tempted to reveal who they really are? Unlike what happened with most of you, it would have taken a lot more than a little flirtation for them to reveal their true identities.” Make your own Civil War joke. Stan compliments Fat Momma and Feedback for not giving up the goods. The rest of them failed, and one of them disappointed Stan the most.

Stan calls on Monkey Woman, ordering her front and center. Turns out she was the only hero to give up her name without being asked. Cut to her introducing herself to Jimmy. Stan expresses how troubled he feels by her giving him websites for actor auditions, which is backed up by a flashback. Stan: “How do you know about such websites?” Ummm...she learned about them by watching him? Monkey Woman: “Because I too am an actress.” Bad move, simian sister. Dramatic drums pound as we zoom in on her. Stan is even more upset now, because everybody had to be here for the right reasons, and she had originally told him that she was a real estate investor and not an actress. She’s from California, buddy...can’t she be both? “But today the truth came out,” Sermonizin’ Stan notes, “and I couldn’t be more disappointed. Being a superhero shouldn’t be a shortcut to an acting job. It’s a way of life.” Monkey Woman stands strong, even though she’s dug herself a grave deep enough to fit Mighty Joe Young.

Stan: “Fat Momma...please get the trash can.” The massive matriarch places the can next to Monkey Woman, who chooses this time to start begging for survival. She’s really sorry for lying to him, and she now knows it was wrong. Stan looks on. Heroes look on. We fade to art, and we come back to even more drama. I think some old-school Batman narration is in order.

Will Stan Lee cut Monkey Woman from the team? Can the Primate Princess save herself from the cold streets of the urban jungle, where she would have to pay for her bananas? Tune in next week...same Stan time, same Stan chan-oh, crap, he’s made a decision...

“Monkey Woman...turn in your costume.” Totally deserved, even if she felt like it was the right thing to do. She places her staff and a bracelet in the trash can, as the heroes mournfully look on. She smiles at Stan’s monitor and does a graceful cartwheel. Her stuff gets blown up in the can. Lemuria looks shaken up.

Monkey Woman packs up, interviewing how it sucks for this to end for her. She adds that she’ll miss the other heroes. “Monkey Woman will definitely live on,” she adds, “and somewhere in a tree near you, you’ll be hearing the telltale...” Then she breaks into her trademark monkey noises, as we see her walk down the stairs. Awwwwww. I’ll be keeping an eye out for her...or at least for the business cards dropped from the tallest trees.

Living room. Stan hopes they all learned a valuable lesson about giving up their identities. “And when a superhero tells you something,” he adds, “you gotta be able to take it to the bank. Honesty is the number one trait of being a superhero. I won’t tolerate anything less.” He orders the team to bed, telling them to think about what they learned. Tyveculus interviews that the test was about commitment and he failed. “It won’t happen again,” he foreshadows. “It can’t happen again.” Creature: “The group just keeps dwindling and getting smaller, and then recent members of the group come back and are your enemies.”

Daytime at the Lair. Stan Headroom is in the kitchen, telling the heroes about the scariest challenge yet. “I’m sorry to say,” he adds, “it won’t get any more difficult than this one.” He orders the team to meet up on the roof. Major Victory doesn’t know what to expect, but he knows that the competition is getting crazier.

Rooftop. The group gathers around a television set. Stan says that one of the main attributes of a superhero is courage. He adds that they’re expected to have nerves of steel, and they will be tested on their nerves in the most dangerous challenge so far. Cut to a woman from a higher adjacent rooftop screaming for help, smoke billowing near her. Major Victory waves to her, yelling that they’ll be there to help. Stan points out the obvious: that woman is in desperate need of help. Since the heroes can’t fly to her, he’s dreamed up another way to get to the damsel. He orders them to look over the roof’s edge. “Careful!” he advises. “It’s a long way down!” The gang peer over the edge to see a construction crew at work. Stan directs their attention to a narrow beam, which will be placed so they can walk to the damsel. They also get a rope to guide them as they bring the lady to safety. “I’m aware that this is a dangerous challenge,” Snarky Stan says. “But hey...no one said it’s easy to be a superhero.” Fat Momma smiles, Lemuria looks nervous, and Creature grins. The damsel yells some more, and we fade to her yelling “Help!”

Lair. Tyveculus brings up his experience with the fire service, adding that he got thirteen weeks of training. Lemuria notes that they Ty trained that long for what they’re about to do. Ty notes that the challenge is about testing courage. Creature tell Lemuria it’s a big test, since she’s afraid of heights. Ty: “I’ve seen people get hurt and we’ve had people killed in smaller things than this.” Thanks for the pep talk! Feedback: “Game on.”

Stan: “Superheroes! It’s time!” Cut to Major Victory slowly walking towards Dark Enforcer. The Major lets us in on another twist: the Enforcer gets to blindfold them before they start off. Creature thinks that any human being would be scared.

Rooftop. Damsel yells some more. Dark Enforcer escorts the blind Creature to the beam, directing up up the stairs leading to it. Cut to the damsel yelling some more, as we see a beam on her rooftop. Enforcer gets Creature to feel the rope, and she starts walking on the beam. Walking. Tense music. Damsel yells some more. The wind whips up. Cut to an overhead shot to reveal that Creature is walking over a blue mat, nowhere near the roof's edge. Dark Enforcer hams it up nearby, enjoying the plight of the heroine. In a weird twist, the damsel has a twin waiting for Creature at the end of the beam.

Montage! Each hero slowly walks on the beam. Lemuria makes her stride in impractical high-heeled boots. “This is nuts,” she interviews. “I’m five stories off the ground and I’m terrified.” Cut to a shot showing that she’s five inches from the ground. “And now the wind’s starting to blow like a freakin’ hurricane.” Cut to Dark Enforcer wielding a giant electric fan. Major Victory nears his target, openly hoping the wind doesn’t mess up his hair. Spilt screen of Dark Enforcer hamming it up some more. Fat Momma, Feedback and Lemuria reach the end of the beam. Fat Momma tells the damsel to take one of her doughnuts for energy. Cut to the damsel hanging onto Tyveculus. Major Victory: “Hold your hands on my sexy hips!” Has Superman ever said that before? He wiggles his hips a little, stumbling on the beam. The heroes escort the damsel on their respective runs. Feedback orders her to hang onto his belt. Lemuria and Ty go forward. Ty notes that she didn’t ask for his name. He introduces himself, and gets thanked as they reach the end.

Lemuria is done, as the damsel stands on the blue area. Stan congratulates her, then instructs her to take off her blindfold. She does as told, and the damsel laughs, direction Lemuria to her twin. The heroine screams and laughs. Fat Momma takes off her blindfold, and she doesn’t notice the lack of peril right away. Once it dawns on her, she laughs. Tyveculus does a double take as he sees the twin on the rooftop.

Creature gets to the end, and Dark Enforcer turns her around. She takes off her blindfold and laughs. “I felt like there was a direction change!” she says. Major Victory takes his blindfold off. “You are hot,” he tells the damsel. She laughs, and he looks down to realize he got fooled. Feedback takes his blindfold off, not giving any real reaction to how “dangerous” this test was. Stan appears on the billboard, telling him that he passed the test. Feedback actually wanted to go from ledge to leade. He boasts about going all the way, and that nothing will stop him from winning. He keeps shooting his mouth off until Dark Enforcer taps his chest and threatens to take him down. “You’re gonna get me?” Feedback snipes. “Try with all of your might.” Enforcer points a finger at Feedback, their rivalry in full effect.

Living room. Stan tells the team that this was quite a challenge for team. He apologizes for the trickery, reminding them that this was a test of courage, not the ability to fly. All of the heroes completed the task, but somebody has to go. Turns out Stan has something in store for them. “I’ll give you all the rare opportunity,” he goes on, “to appreciate how difficult my job is.” The challenge: each hero will stand up and declare – in their best superhero manner – who deserves to be eliminated. Major Victory: “Woooow.” Stan adds that they must consider each other’s character, actions and personality, and they have to justify why their choice is no superhero. The Major interviews that this will be the hardest thing. “I don’t think this is hard at all,” Tyveculus announces aloud, “especially when you have a trained eye.” He turns his head to the side. “You know exactly who has the qualities of a superhero.”

Suddenly, Creature rushes to the front, wanting to go first. She talks about looking at a room of superheroes, not knowing what she’s doing here. She turns to Stan’s screen. “I think I should be taken off the show,” she says. Tense music. Stan turns to the side. Fade to art.

Coming back from commercials, Creature goes on about wondering why she’s not folding under the pressure, and she isn’t sure that she should be the superhero. She turns to Stan’s monitor, telling him that she doesn’t want to get her wrong about quitting, because she still wants to play.

After Creature sits down, Stan asks Major Victory who he thinks should be eliminated. He tells Stan that he won’t make things easier for him. He tells Feedback that he has the biggest heart. To Fat Momma: “You’re just a love.” Awwwww. The Major admits to Lemuria that he also has a fear of heights. To Tyveculus: “You’re what I strive to be, man.” He calls Creature “the most free spirit.” Turning to Stan, Major Victory picks himself for elimination.

Stan asks for a volunteer. Tyveculus gets up. He thinks Lemuria’s determination is outstanding, but she lacks self-control. In his eyes, she is missing the ability to know when to give up. Before the challenge, she had talked about getting through it even if it meant her life. Lemuria smiles, not believing what she’s hearing. Ty asks her if she would risk her life. Lemuria tries to reply, saying that wasn’t going to do that. Ty notes that he went up before her in order to let her justify her actions. He thinks that she has to understand her limitations, and he didn’t think that she did, making her a liablity to herself and the others. Ty tells “Mr. Lee” that he chooses Lemuria for elimination. She sighs, clearly not happy with Ty’s opinion.

Feedback comes up next. He feels that he’s inhibiting the others’ ability to enjoy the experience because he takes things too seriously. Feedback thinks he should be eliminated. Stan folds his hands as Feedback sits down.

Here comes Lemuria. She feels that everybody has different qualities...some she agrees with and some she doesn’t (close-up on Tyveculus). She thinks that the heroes are good and she loves them all. She tells Stan that if he can’t make a choice, she’ll volunteer herself.

Stan calls up Fat Momma. She doesn’t want to do his job, she doesn’t wish to go over the reasons why they should go, and she wants to stay in the game. Stan points out that it’s important to find out who she would elect. Momma figures that if she had to pick somebody, she’d choose Feedback, because he gets too upset with himself. “At any moment,” she notes, “he could snap.” Thank you! I’ve been thinking that from the first week! Fat Momma would pick Feedback for his safety.

Stan wraps things up, saying that he knows what he needs to do. He orders the team to the roof...it’s time for an elimination.

Rooftop. Lit cubes. The heroes arrive and step up on the cubes. Stan pops up on the billboard, wasting no time in ordering Tyveculus and Fat Momma on the red cubes. Stan then orders the final red cube to be turned off, because nobody else will be stepping forward. Stan looks very serious, as we fade to art.

Coming back, Stan states that the purpose of the show is to find a person with all the essential qualities of a superhero, and each one has demonstrated these one of those qualities is self-sacrifice. Stan admits he can’t measure the sincerity of the four heroes who volunteered to walk off, but they did the right thing, because it was a heroic thing to say. As for Tyveculus and Fat Momma? They pointed a “derogatory finger” at their fellow heroes. “Superheroes would never sacrifice a fellow hero,” he adds. “They’d choose to take the bullet themselves.”

Stan turns to Tyveculus, openly wondering if he picked Lemuria for the right reasons. Stan asks Ty of he doesn’t think she’s a good superhero, or if he just doesn’t like her. One thing is for sure: Ty failed the self-sacrifice test. Stan comes to Fat Momma next...she failed while picking Feedback, but Stan thinks her choice was made out of compassion. “I think, in your way,” Stan continues, “you were trying to save him, and at the end of the day, saving people is the business we’re in.”

You can probably guess what happens next. “Tyveculus...turn in your costume.” Great...the one guy I was rooting for, and he’s done. Ty nods and steps off his cube towards the trash can. Lemuria quietly says “sorry” as he inserts his articles into the can. Major Victory gets off his cube and hugs Ty, not wanting for him to go without saying goodbye. Feedback and Fat Momma join in on the group hug, with Momma getting on the verge of tears. She tells Ty that he’s a superhero for helping her. The trio say farewell, while Creature and Lemuria stay on their cubes. Ty places his helmet on the bottom of the can. Cue the lightning and smoke, followed by Ty walking away.

Tyveculus packs up, thinking Stan might have been right. He admits to possibly not having a right reason for pointing his finger at Lemuria, and maybe he let personal feeling get in the way. “What was I thinking?” he interviews. “Stan told us on the first night that we’d be tested on self-sacrifice. I should have remembered that, and now I’m paying the price...the ultimate price of being eliminated.”

Roof. Fat Momma is back on her cube, voice cracking as she expresses how sorry she is for Tyveculus getting eliminated. She adds that she’d prefer to go in his place. “I feel like my spirit is broken,” she sniffles out. Stan isn’t in the mood for a reprieve, as he tells the heroes that this would never be easy. He orders them to get some rest. “We’ve come another step closer,” he concludes, “to immortalizing one of you.” The heroes get off their cubes.

Lair. Fat Momma feels like the others were fake in sacrificing themselves, adding that Lemuria pretends to be so emotional. Lemuria snaps that Momma crossed the line. Both argue some more. Lemuria interviews that she’s do whatever it takes to win. “Stan’s gonna have to do a lot more than that to outsmart me,” she adds. Major Victory says that they lost a great man in Tyveculus, and it isn’t easy for him. Fat Momma declares that is the reason why she’s upset. She interviews that she’s having a hard time with this, and she thinks things are getting harder after every elimination. She adds that she was just playing a game at first, but now she has a plan: get payback for Ty. She concludes: “I’m gonna make sure that each of them go before I do.” Fade out on five panels of our heroes.

With Tyveculus gone, I think it would take a major boo-boo for Major Victory to lose. Creature has been failed the most tests, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s a plant like Dark Enforcer, if not merely Rotiart. Notice how she jumped up first and volunteered herself out of the game. Could she have seen Stan’s plan without a script? Lemuria looks a bit bitchy, albeit nowhere near as bad as some of the other women I’ve recapped. Fat Momma? She’s a little broken, and I can’t see a doughnut-eating forty-something being a heroine. Feedback? We might as well call him “Tick” because he’s a walking time bomb. In my mind, Tyveculus had the best shot to deny the Major the comic book and the movie. But it wasn’t to be...he wasn’t honest to Stan about the crap costume, and he was too honest about wanting Lemuria gone.

Next time: Dealing with convicts! Major Victory: “This is not a conjugal visit.” Guard: “The way you’re dressed, I can’t guarantee that!” Also: one hero has a dark, dark secret!