It’s time once again for a new Real World/Road Rules Challenge
to begin. Join Jason as he discusses what the newest challenge will entail and
who will be competing for the big money prizes.
When I finished up my tour with Battle
of the Sexes, I figured to recap the following season should I not have a
life of my own. Well, aside from a freelance gig with a local newsweekly, I
have nothing going on. Bad for me, good for you.
Since the final episode of Sexes,
reality fans have had their fill of disheartening moments. Jenna won Survivor,
CBS renewed Big Brother before The Amazing Race, and an Osbourne
dog got fake-killed. Reality Wrap-Up showed us how not to do a recap
show and Dat Phan showed us he was more obsessed about his mother than Norman
Bates was about his. Over in the land of Bunim-Murray Productions, Real World:
Paris took a leap away from its immediate predecessor, Las Vegas.
But that isn’t saying much. On the other hand, Road Rules: South Pacific
managed to blend in lovely locales with some of the worst people BMP ever
unearthed. And guess what? I have to deal with four of them.
But enough dwelling in the past. MTV
and BMP have decided to milk the sponsors by holding back-to-back Challenges. The
Gauntlet starts on September 29. The next Challenge should be filming soon
and will air early next year. My job is to chronicle the events as they unfold.
That, and to put the hammer down upon those who displease me. I know it’s not
healthy to project internal angst, but I just can’t help it.
The Location
BMP has left the exotic scenery of
Cancun and Jamaica for Telluride, Colorado. MTV will have you believe it’s a
wonderful rustic place to dump the contestants. Truth is, it wasn’t the first
choice. There were a few towns in Rhode Island that BMP wanted to invade, but
the residents did everything but make with the torches and pitchforks. Thanks
to the delay, some contestants had to bail out of the show due to personal
conflicts.
The Competition
This time, there’s no scoring
system, and the Inner Circle has been junked. The Gauntlet harkens back
to old-school Challenges, where results were determined by teams, as opposed to
single players and duos. The contestants are split between Real World
and Road Rules as they compete in 16 missions. The winning team in each
of the first 15 missions receives $10,000, which is split up upon completion of
the show. The final mission has a $150,000 prize. In other words, this is not a
winner-take-all event. The “losing” team can go home with a nice chunk of
change.
The Gauntlet
After each mission, each team votes
for one person. The two players then engage in the Gauntlet, a mini-mission
just for them. The winner stays, while the loser has to depart. Such a format
is filled with possibilities. Would a team vote on somebody who is a weak link?
A loose cannon? Or would the strongest person be selected for the purpose of
wiping out the opposing player, making things tougher for the other side in
future missions?
The Host
Once again, Jonny Moseley, the
sleepy-eyed champion moguls skier, will take hosting duties. He doesn’t bring
anything to the table the way Jeff Probst and Phil Keoghan does. On the other
hand, he’ll be a lot more comfortable without Colin drooling all over him.
The Players
Out of the 28 assembled (down from
36 in Sexes), only six appeared on their shows before 2000. For almost
half of them, this is their first Challenge.
The
Real World
Hard to believe that RW teams
were once considered pushovers. They defeated their adversaries in Extreme
Challenge and Battle of the Seasons. In Battle of the Sexes,
four of the last six players hailed from RW.
Norman Korpi (New York): BMP seems to be fond of alternating between snarky gay guys,
as Norman takes Dan’s place once again. While he might not be the physical
specimen like Eric, Norman did hang tough in his last Challenge, staying on
with Becky until they were both ousted in the final elimination round. Another
advantage Norman has: party-planning skills. Remember the toga party he thought
up in Cancun?
Elka Walker (Boston): Formed the top RW duo with Sean in Seasons,
winning $50,000 and two Saturns in the process. The former ingenue broke up
with her longtime boyfriend, Walter the Irish rocker, so she’s single and free
to mingle.
Montana McGlynn (Boston): Why is she back? She’s known for two things: getting bawled
out by boyfriend Vaj after she saw another guy (“Whooooorree!!” is oft-repeated
in the forums), and for getting fired after allowing kids to sip on wine. Her
previous Challenge experience five years ago wasn’t much better. From her
MTV.com bio, she seems to have recovered nicely, but who knows how well she can
fare here?
Nathan Blackburn (Seattle): Think of him as the middle between fan-favorite David and
world-class loser Slappy Stephen. His previous Challenge experience wasn’t
quite as impressive, as his team lost four of five missions.
David Broom (New Orleans): Oh, yes. In his season, he was a headache-inducing playa,
giving his roommates fits. In Sexes, he attempted to broker a peace
between Puck and David Edwards, and he got cuddly with Ayanna. David seeks to
rebound from last time, after going a mere four rounds. Whether he’ll lapse
back to his “woo woo” ways remains to be seen.
Matt Smith (New Orleans): Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the whitest boy on Earth.
He loves breakdancing, Camaros, mullet-hunting, and God. Doesn’t seem as
physical impressive as David or Jamie... but if skinny, acrophobic Danny could
win in Seasons, then there’s hope for Matt. I just hope he doesn’t go
the way of Chadwick and JoAnna, playing the God card every five minutes.
Coral Smith (Back to New York):
In case you don’t know, here’s the
deal: If you’re good to her, she’s your best friend. If you’re nasty, you will
experience the Great Coral Grief. Did not expect her to perform as well as she
did in Seasons. If she rubs the wrong people in the wrong way, she might
be Gauntlet-bound.
Mike Mizanin (Back to New York):
Ah, yes... The Miz. Did well in Seasons,
but was tantrum-prone when things didn’t go his way. He’s a doofus, but he’s
got the athletic skills and the credentials. Whatever relationship he had with
Tara is over, so he might hook up again. I really hope I don’t see “The Miz”
again, save for wrestling. Fun fact: he’s 0-1-1 in televised matches that
count... and the guy that beat him is here.
Rachel Braband (Back to New York):
The tall ingenue from 2001. She came
off as somewhat immature during her season. On the other hand, I related to her
a lot more than the others, so I’ve got a soft spot for her. I’ve heard that
she’s matured a lot, so maybe we won’t have her punctuate a semi-indecent act
with “My mahm’s gonna KILL me!”
Theo Gantt (Chicago): Doesn’t he have a life? Well, better him being here than
big-headed Kyle. Anyway, Theo was rocking hard in Sexes until he messed
up on the stirrups course, sending him to the bottom of the men’s standings and
out of Jamaica.
Tonya Cooley (Chicago): After coming off as one of the more loathed cast members of
her seasons (no small feat considering she lived with Cara and Kyle), Tonya
turned at least 90 degrees on her way to 180. We have no idea how far she would
have gotten if she didn’t hurt herself. She could be the sleeper in this pack.
Alton Williams (Las Vegas): Ugh, couldn’t BMP have forgotten last year entirely? Anyway,
here’s what I know of Alton: he plays the violin, he’s got a
larger-than-average “eighth roommate,” and he got in a threesome in
Australia... we think. He’s still with Irulan, and they’re the official RW
couple.
Irulan Wilson (Las Vegas): She was the one with the nose-piercing, and Arissa was the
one who looked half-racoon. Irulan’s claim to fame came last year, when she
out-wrestled Rachel. I’m still baffled as to how that happened.
Trishelle Canatella (Las Vegas):
Yeah... her. At least Steven isn’t
with her... I don’t know how much of that I could stand. She’s got connections
to The Quest; Katie is her roommate, and she used to go out with Adam.
As luck would have it, they’re both in this Challenge.
Road
Rules
They’ve lost the last two RW/RR
Challenges, and only Mark and Ellen lasted until the very end in Sexes.
The most recent plus is that RR is beating RW in the ratings.
That’s the Seventh Sign to me. Come on, people! RW has funky people,
like Ace the manchild and uberneurotic Adam! If RR is the most-watched
show, then Donell wins.
Roni Martin (Northern Trail):
If you ask who she is, then you
never saw her season, which I feel was the best. She was a member of the
overachieving RR squad that schooled RW five years ago. Expect
minimal drama, maximum effort.
Veronica Portillo (Semester at
Sea): This is her third consecutive
Challenge, her fourth in the past five seasons. She got screwed over big-time
by Emily and her whipped Inner Circle accomplices, Ellen and Ruthie. Hopefully,
she’s stayed away from reality show guys, lest a girlfriend decides to pick up
Emily’s bloody axe.
Laterrian Wallace (Maximum
Velocity Tour): Nobody listens to me. “Don’t come
back,” I told him. “You’ve never fared well on BMP shows. You’ll look like a
fool if you return.” Without a points system and an accompanying gentlemen’s
agreement, Laterrian could go far. He’ll be around to provide the “hoo-rah!”
and “Ride or [Oedipus Rexing] die!”
Theo Vonkurnatowski (Maximum
Velocity Tour): Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the
alpha male. In Seasons, he overachieved with partner Holly, hooked up
with Becky and Coral, and looked good doing it. His dopey sayings make him a
fan favorite. Given that there’s another redneck guy with questionable tastes,
Theo might find himself as a mentor before this Challenge is over.
Adam Larson (The Quest): The good: he’s a hard-core athlete, going as far as to
compete in Eco-Challenge, which makes Survivor look like a
picnic. The bad: his ADD made him insufferable on his season. We couldn’t quite
gauge him in Seasons, since he was shackled to underachieving Jisela and
was knocked off quickly. From the cast photos, he seems to have inherited
Jamie’s “outlaw” persona, with beard and cowboy hat.
Katie Doyle (The Quest): The first substitute in the show’s history, filling in for
Jisela. Came off kind of bland compared with the other ladies (drama queen
Ellen, unathletic Jisela, out-of-the-closet Sophia). She’s also Trishelle’s
roommate... imagine if they were pitted in the Gauntlet. In the RW10/RR10
Face-Off, she survived getting mummified overnight with Adam and she pinned
Rachel to clinch the win, so she knows a few things about pressure.
Steve Meinke (The Quest): On Television Without Pity, we had a running gag about his
lack of screen time. We called him “HiSteve,” since we always forgot about him.
Truth is, he’s too funny to be ignored. Check out his MTV.com travelogues with
Blair and his audition tape. He might be overshadowed by Adam, but remember this: Steve
was the one who took the Miz down. Could he do that again?
Darrell Tayler (Campus Crawl):
There are two sides to Darrell. On
the one hand, the aspiring Olympic boxer talks like he’s taken too many blows
to his unprotected head. Remember when he got the sex ed questions wrong and he
had to smear skunk poop on his face? On the other hand, he masterminded the
prank that culminated with Steven getting handcuffed to a rail, and he managed
to take Chris out of the recent RR contest.
Rachel Robinson (Campus Crawl):
Another victim of Emily. While she’s
the de facto strongwoman, her poor performance in Sexes, combined with
her loss to Irulan last year, might make her expendable once again.
Sarah Greyson (Campus Crawl):
I’m getting some major Melissa vibes
from her. Sarah was miscast, screwing up missions and finding ways to hurt
herself... like the double clip at the Citadel. In the recent Face-Off, she was
caught napping by South Pacific and taken out of the game. But I still
like her better than anybody else from her season. I just don’t think she’ll go
the distance.
Abram Boise (South Pacific): He makes for an interesting study. At first, he came off as
misogynist, racist, and psychotic. Then he became Christena’s friend and he
looked like he was making a change. But Donell couldn’t shut his mouth, and
Abram couldn’t stop his temper. He’s had a few months to think about his
actions. Will he make the turnaround, like Ruthie? Or will he sink further,
like Stephen and Puck? One thing’s for sure: if he acts like an idiot around
the others (Coral in particular), he’ll be going home.
Cara Zavaleta (South Pacific):
Miscast as a Roadie, Cara whined her
way out of the show. This was doubly bad, as Donell got to stay and Tina was
inflicted on the viewing audience. Without a cramped RV, Cara could go far in
the game. Then again, Jisela was in splendor the past two seasons, and she
didn’t get far at all.
Dave Giutoli (South Pacific):
He’s the guy I hate the least from
his season. Not as much of an competitor as Abram, but his personality is
better. According to MTV.com, he’s going out with Cara. Not sure if that’s a
step up from Mary-Beth, but at least it’s not Tina.
Tina Barta (South Pacific): Hate her. Despise her. While staggering around blindfolded
in an obstacle course, the usually non-savvy editors piped in “Who Invited
You”? by the Donnas. She became fast friends with Donell, decides that
Mary-Beth sucks, and generally came off as a bad teammate. My favorite Tina
moment was when she blew the spelling bee against Shane in the Face-Off. Mark
my words: the longer she’s there, the worse off this show will be.
Final Thoughts
The Gauntlet will provide the usual about of drama and chaos that is
typical in a Challenge. Already, I’ve heard gossip of a new hookup that
disturbs me, and a Big Brother-like twist. If anything, I recommend
watching along with me. For every Beth, there comes an ass-kicking Ruthie. For
every Puck, there comes a funny Belgian named Antoine. For all the headaches I
suffered recapping the past season, there were a lot of great moments, and this
year should be no different.
Much as Tinkerbelle lives for
applause, Jason Borelli lives for feedback. E-mail him at his new address: [REDACTED]
The sad part is that I never got e-mail . .. at least that I can remember. For the heck of it, I clicked the Archive.org link in Steve's profile, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the travelogues he and Blair wrote on MTV.com were accessible. Sadly, I couldn't find Steve's audition tape, which included his appearance on The Price Is Right. Anyway, keep a look out for the recaps. I'll try to squeeze some in next week.
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