Anyway: The Inferno. At this point, the season starts becoming Kill Bill, only with the DIVAS squad out to murder the Bride. That role is played here by Katie Doyle, and her potential booting from the series is going to be a running theme for the rest of the story. Actually, there is no talk from Road Rules to send her into the Inferno, but I figure this is prelude. Once again: at this point, I am still not Team Katie. Oh, and Coral and Julie bicker, which is awesome. I'm basically Team Coral because . . . c'mon . . . Julie. Duh.
Airdate: March 8, 2004
Recap Published: March 14. 2004
Nets? Cars? A friendship threatened? Who cares? It's Coral vs. Julie, Round One.
Previously on The Inferno: Some lady has been doing voiceover work for the prologue, but I didn't feel the need to bring her up. What's the first thing she says this week? "Coral's powers of manipulation cause concern on the Real World team." Okay, let's go over this again. If you get drunk, yell at your ex for dancing with somebody else, and threaten to beat up your teammates, then you get what you deserve. Not only did Trishelle not get that, but neither did her new best friend Julie, who thinks Coral will control the meetings unless she puts a stop to it. In the more recent past, RW won Balls Out, pulling even with Road Rules at $30,000 apiece. Mike took out Jeremy in the Inferno, solidifying his title of Parma's Favorite Son.
Nighttime at the Villa. Julie is blabbing to Syrus about Coral running the show. "I don't feel intimated by Coral," she interviews. "I feel she manipulates the team, she has a really negative attitude, and she sucks." She tells Syrus that Coral will eliminate people who stand up to her. Syrus: "You do not want to get into an argument with Coral. It ain't gonna happen." He tells Julie that Coral and a few others might not like Julie. "What are you going to do?" he asks rhetorically. "End up in the Inferno." Cut to Inferno torch. Don't get too close!
Coral: "Many people have said that I'm intimidating. I say what I want to say. People might not like that. Sorry... I mean, big deal." Cut to Coral in the RR area, holding a pair of messed-up women's shoes. Turns out they belong to Julie. For some reason, I imagine Little Miss Avril to be all about the sneakers. Coral insists that she's been nothing but nice to everybody... except Julie. Cut to Coral, removing the sole from Julie's shoe with little difficulty. There's a metaphor in there, I'm sure of it. Coral and Veronica laugh it up, as does Christena, who kids about not wanting to be around anymore. Coral: "Do I not want to see Julie's big ugly face everyday? No, I'd rather not." Yeah, but rooting through her shoes does seem low-rent.
We move on to Christena and Mallory.
Immediately, my Recapper Sense starts tingling. I haven't seen these two
together all season. What gives? Christena thinks it's hard not to be
competitive. Mallory wanted to beat all the girls and most of the guys.
Christena interviews that Mallory is sweet and a competitor like herself.
Mallory tells her friend that she wants them both to win the money at the end.
"Christena is amazing," Mallory interviews. "She's so wonderful
and she's such an incredible athlete, and she's one of the closest people that
I have in this house."
Night gives way to day, and we go to
the mission site. Dave welcomes everybody to Ultimate Saturn Road Trip. Wait...
it's the Saturn mission already? Wow. Syrus reminds us that both teams are tied
with three wins apiece. Dave lays out the rules: two players from each team
work to climb a net. They retrieve bags attached to the net, and bring them
down one at a time. If either player falls off, they receive the "slowest,
lowest score," plus the standard two minute penalty. Dave still needs to
work on his skills. Where does the Saturn come in? Well, the players load their
bags into the Saturn, get in, put on seat belts, and slalom their way through a
tires course. Oh, and the key is in one of the bags. So basically, the producers
are either hellbent on killing their charges (Grope the Rope, Wreck 'n Roll) or
just putting them through lame, mushed-together missions (Disco Domino Derby,
Balls Out).The team with the best average time wins $10,000 for their bank
account.
First match: David & Julie vs.
Timmy & Abram. "This is definitely one of those missions," Timmy
interviews, "where my team is confident and can overcome obstacles such as
nets." Dave blows the airhorn and both duos climb up. David has problems
unhooking the bag from the net. Timmy and Abram get down first, pack their bags
in the car, and run the slalom. While David and Julie pack, the Roadies finish
at 2:43. Timmy, whose shirt reads "Scratch" on the front, interviews
that the climbing wasn't tough, but the bag was hard to unhook. David and Julie
finish at 3:46. David interviews that it's frustrating to make mistakes.
Mike & Coral vs. Shane &
Christena. Airhorn. Mike interviews about flying up the net, only to look down
and see Coral struggling. He climbs down and pulls on the net, making it
tighter and easier for Coral to climb. While this is going on, the Roadies get
their bags. Coral has problems unhooking the bag. On the sideline, Julie is
grunting and jumping around, doing her impression of an impatient child at the
supermarket checkout counter. Shane drives his way to a time of 3:10. Christena
and Shane then proceed to act smug to the camera about how Coral is screwing
up. How can you tell when you've become a fan of Coral? When you want her to
smack those two. Coral manages to get the bag, but struggles with a loose cord
trying to get away. Final time: 6:08. Scary, screechy music plays as Coral
takes Julie’s seat. Julie asks what happened with the rope. Coral is pissed
that Julie didn't see it, but admits that it's her fault. Mike interviews that
RW needs a miracle to win the mission.
Syrus & Leah vs. Veronica &
Holly. Syrus actually calls his partner "Lee-Dog." "We had two
teams who we thought were hogs," he interviews, "and it didn't happen
the way we wanted it. So now the old hogs got to step up." Holly
interviews that RR is far ahead, but they have three more teams left. Average
times thus far: RW 4:57, RR 2:56.
Airhorn. Timmy's back:
"Sniff." That's clever. Leah struggles worse than Coral, shrieking on
the net. The RR girls get far ahead. Leah interviews that she wanted to jump
off and get disqualified. Coral yells for her not to jump off. Leah yells that
she can't climb. While this goes on, the Roadies finish at 3:24.
Here's the play of the day, if not
the whole season: Syrus orders Leah to go up the net by stepping on his head.
Damn, I love Syrus. Leah does it, and he yells in pain. I flash back to his
farewell piggy-back ride of Antoine back in Jamaica. Not so much fun now,
right? Darrell laughs, while Timmy just wants somebody to shoot Leah. "I
just think as humans, we think we're done and we can't go any further,"
Syrus interviews. "We can always dig and reach that extra mile." Leah
finally gets the bag, and the duo finishes at 16:53. Leah interviews that it
was the most physically different thing she's ever done. "I could not have
had a better teammate than Syrus," she interviews. Shot of her getting her
fingers pushed back by David. "I finished it."
Darrell & Kendal vs. Mallory
& CT. The race looks close at first, but RR holds its lead, finishing at
3:47, while RW comes in at 4:44. Afterwards, Jule and Coral snipe at each
other. Syrus has a look where he's trying to wish himself into the cornfield.
Mike interviews that their only hope of winning lies with Katie, their
"good luck charm."
Abram & Katie go up. Abram
interviews that he chose to go up twice. Katie struggles, but Abram gets below
her, pulling the net. Eventually, they finish at 5:24. So much for good luck
charms. Abram tells us the obvious: it's a clean sweep for RR. They finish with
an average time of 3:42, while RW comes in at 7:44. I crunched the numbers;
even if Leah had jumped off, it wouldn't have made a difference.
Dave awards RR the $10,000, putting
them back in the lead. He announces that it's time to nominate two people for
the Inferno, and adds that it's the women's turn. Coral shouts, "Oh,
[bleep!]," and I can't tell if she's being serious. Dave dismisses the
players, and Syrus tells RR they did a good job.
RR meeting. Holly figures that RW
will never vote Katie into the Inferno (good luck charm and all that), and she
suggests sending a confident woman as a nominee. Katie is just sitting there,
munching away on a regional dish, fully aware of her scrub status. Christena
interviews RW will keep Katie, since the final mission would be something she
won't handle. Weren't Cara and Sarah supposed to be albatrosses for RR last
time? Christena then volunteers for nomination. Holly feels that Christena can
beat any opponent. Katie, still munching away, thinks RR will pick her.
Christena interviews that she's not worried.
RW meeting. Immediately, Coral
nominates herself, and she wants a strong girl (pointing to Julie and Mallory)
to join her. Mallory volunteers. Simple, right? Well, Julie interviews that she
wanted to vote the weaker girls: Coral and Leah. She tells her teammate that
Mallory is their most valuable person. Coral asks Julie why she didn't step up
now. Julie figures that it's better for a stronger player to wait until the
later stages of the game. Coral walks away, obviously steamed. Julie goes into
a monologue about how Coral is ducking the Inferno. "Coral is a genius,
and her strategy is words and manipulation," she interviews. "She has
used it to her advantage. She convinced simple-minded Mallory to vote herself
in, but it's just complete manipulation." First of all? Shut up, Julie.
Secondly: "simple-minded Mallory"? This coming from somebody who
probably struggles with the TV Guide crossword puzzle. Third: RR doesn't
seem to have a plan that as carved as stone as RW's (re: keeping Katie).
Coral's selection and loss could hurt RW off the field, if not on.
Syrus tells Mallory to bring any
problems to the table now. Apparently, the meeting has been resurrected. David
has his head buried in his arms. Mallory proclaims that she can help her team
win the $150,000 in the final mission, and she should be there. Coral tells
Mallory to make a choice, punctuating the demand with, "Hello? I'm not a
retarded person! So don't play me." More bickering. David has this insane
look in his eyes.
Let me pause for a minute. One of
the cooler things in a Challenge is when a cast member reverts to type. In Battle
of the Sexes, Aneesa displayed her brand of spontaneous nudity. In Gauntlet,
we saw the spastic convulsions that Matt calls dancing. And right now? David is
about to lose his cool. Behold... the magic of Drama David.
David gets up and starts cursing,
saying he's tired of the arguing. "I'm sick of this quivering!" he
shouts. "Stand up and be grown-ups!" I'm sorry... what show are YOU
on? He goes about Leah and how she hasn't stepped up in the missions. He says
"step up" a lot and makes cutthroat gestures. The look on Mike's face
equates to, "Damn, and I thought the Miz was hardcore."
After commercials, Coral pulls
Mallory outside. I'm guessing the others are hosing David off. "At this
point," Mallory interviews, "I just think that I'm going to do
whatever I can to stay here, but it's just difficult right now, because you
have people trying to sway you." Coral expresses that she doesn't like
what's going on. Cut to Julie. Cut back: Coral doesn't think things are cool.
"Just do your own thing," she says going back in the Villa. "I
don't wanna hear saying Coral is the puppeteer of the world." Think
that'll be on a t-shirt someday? Mallory interviews that everybody is being
manipulative in their own way.
Dave announces the nominees: Coral
and Mallory from RW, Katie and Christena from RR. He gives the teams ten minutes
to make their decisions.
RW. Coral goes with Christena, and
everybody agrees. Julie obviously interviews that a choice between Katie and
Christena is no choice at all.
RR. Holly and Veronica figure that
Coral is a better mental competitor. Veronica: "Yet she gets bit by a
spider in a four-and-a-half mile run?" Shut up, Veronica. Seriously, you
try suffering a massive allergic reaction. Christena agrees, and everybody
picks Mallory. I've heard some people say that Coral is RW's Katie, which is a
total crock. Coral tries her best, while Katie just takes up space. Shane:
"We want Coral at the final mission because, let's face it, she did lose
the Gauntlet for the Real World team." God, shut up. This coming from
Inferno Ducker No. 1 himself. Even if you think Shane's right, you can't
forgive him for giving the editors a reason to show Coral in Telluride, clearly
dying, as Mike yells at her. On the plus side, I have them on my Fantasy
Challenge team, and that got me 20 points. I'm ranked 200th right now, so
hooray for me. Back at the RR meeting, Timmy figures that RW is full of drama,
and Mallory doesn't want to stay around. Veronica interviews that Mallory is a
competitor, but she doesn't have the will to survive the Inferno. Wow... lots
of assumptions made of Mallory this week.
Standoff. Timmy shows off some
"Thriller" dance moves, and Mike tries to duplicate it. The plates
are put up, and the good-natured cheering commences. But soon, we segue to the
newly-discovered friendship between Christena and Mallory. "I feel awful
about facing Mallory in the Inferno," Christena interviews, "because
it's like a lose/lose situation." Seriously, I don't care. Trying to pass
them off as Sarah and Rachel will not work on me. Mallory has been a
non-factor, while Christena has slowly become more irritating. Mallory tries to
trash-talk, but she's so pitifully soft-spoken that Christena has to coach her.
Soon, Mallory gets up to speed, trashing Christena and punctuating it with
"beeyotch!" Nicely put. Christena interviews that one of them has to
go... or win the Aztec Lifesaver.
Coral and Julie, one last time.
Coral insists she doesn't have a problem with Julie. Yeah, right. More
bickering. David has a weird smile on his face. "Everybody else gets
passes for being bitchy sometimes," Coral interviews. "But when
Coral's bitchy, it's because she's mean and manipulative and a big bitch."
She tells Julie that she's been nothing but nice to her. Once again: yeah,
right. She continues, "Just because me being mad intimidates you, that
doesn't mean I can't be mad because Julie's intimidated." Oh, man. Julie:
"This is how Coral plays the game. She plays dirty and she talks like a
twelve-year old." This coming from Ms. Twenty-Four Going On Eight herself.
Coral is still ticked over want happen, insisting that Mallory stepped up to
volunteer. Julie insists that Mallory had doubts, and Coral walks away. "I
just don't like the bitch," Coral interviews, "because her
personality sucks. She's a grown woman. If it's too hot, she needs to stay out
of the damn Inferno." Julie, with her stupid grin, just sighs "kill
me." Fade to black.
After review, I'm declaring Round
One a draw between Julie and Coral. I think Coral can be out of line quite
often. But I have to admit that I have become a Coral fan. This is not because
she's roommates with Melissa. I am not a cardinal, Melissa is not my pope, and
I don't necessarily agree with the petite princess all the time. That said, I
feel that Coral means well for her teammates and friends more often than not.
And maybe it's the hatred talking, but I don't feel that Julie means well at
all. She'll pout, she'll scream, she'll even try to kill another player. I know
that I don't have to take a side (Puck/David E., Puck/Ellen,
Katie/Veronica), but in this case, I'd go with Coral, no matter what. Write if
you agree with me or not... I 'd like some feedback on this feud.
Next time: More Christena/Mallory
angsting. Please. Veronica: "Katie is obviously holding the team
back." Katie interviews that Christena has a plan: win the Aztec Lifesaver
and send Katie in her place.
Spoiler: I will not be caring about Mallory or Christena in the following episode. And BMP will make it worse by sending up a very poorly though-out Inferno. Also, you can see that I enjoyed Coral a lot. I know, she's a bitch . . . but when she goes up against people who are either worse than her and/or in need of her negativity? That's where I really dug her. Syrus letting Leah step on his head turned out not to be the signature moment of The Inferno, but I'm happy that I'm reposting these recaps so that I can remember the small bits of awesomeness within the many layers of sucking.
Next time: Kill Katie: Volume I (Part 2). I'd suggest waiting for my next round of recaps, but that's Battle Of The Sexes 2, and that turned out to be so much worse.
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