The Inferno Episode 9: Hot Bargains

I probably won't get around to talking about Dirty XXX in full detail here, so here are the basic results: most everybody sucked, and Camila got her second win. So did Jordan, but he didn't come to Champs vs. Stars and smack a production aide like Camila did, which basically puts her on BMP's "do not invite" list. Remember, in order to make that, you have to either quit on Saint TJ, or be accused of committing a Law & Order: SUV-style crime during the taping of the show. And Camila was just the tip of the dysfunctional iceberg that was Dirty XXX. Once again, it's sad that I look back on The Inferno as "the good old days," even though it wasn't that good of a season. This episode was fun, though.

Hey, Archive.org preserved the picture! It's Syrus in a sombrero! Good times. Looking back, he was a guy that wasn't the best player around, but you needed him to lighten the mood.

Airdate: March 22, 2004
Recap Published: March 30, 2004 (yeah, I took too long on this one. I think it was worth it, though)

The players get to sell dubious wares to unsuspecting tourists. David takes a siesta, Coral discovers new levels of bitchiness, and Katie actually has fun.

Previously on The Inferno: Road Rules players sought to dump Katie into the Inferno, but the plan backfired when Christena, the nominee, gave up in the Don't Yank My Chain challenge. In happier news, RR won their second mission in a row, upping their bank to $50,000. Kendal rubbed it in that RR had a 5-3 advantage over Real World. In the worst Inferno yet, Christena defeated her best friend Mallory, leaving RW with seven players.

It’s a quiet night at the villa. Katie reads the mission clue off the sponsored device, telling the others of the 7:30 a.m. pickup time. She interviews that she's sure to do a lot better than before. She decides that she's going to exercise. "I'm going to try and work out," she adds, "and win this with dignity." I have to ask once more: do these people know what show they're on?

Back inside, Coral asks anybody if they want to join her in making sandwiches. At long last, she's wearing her shout-out shirt, "Melissa Will Kill You." Veronica insists that Abram wants one. Coral fixes a sandwich as Syrus looks on. She spreads mustard on the bread... and then she licks it and laughs. It's not that clear if her tongue makes contact, but it is disgusting regardless. Syrus laughs, saying he'd never do that to her. "I wouldn't do that to you!" she responds. More licking, more cackling, and then she hands the sandwich to Abram. After what he did with Rachel and Veronica in Telluride, he shouldn't be that uptight about germs. Shane warns Abram, but he takes a bite. "Why is she filming the sandwich?" he asks of a nearby camerawoman. Maybe Abram isn't as dumb as I thought. Coral laughs while Abram takes a big bite.

Outside, David and Holly do stomach crunches. He jokes that this is better than going to work. He then engages in Jane Fonda-style aerobics, which cracks Holly up. "I'll put it straight," he interviews, "I'm here for a good time. I guess my motivation for this challenge was Acapulco, paid vacation, suntan. That's pretty much it." Gotta love the honesty. "When it comes to competition, I'm pretty much going to take it as it goes." Mike interviews that David is a good guy, but he's been lackadaisical lately. More aerobics, as Mike and David grin from the pool. CT interviews that he's comfortable with David, since their mothers knew each other. "He does little things that make him look weak to everybody else," CT interviews. "The kid's legit. He's one of our best players."

Sunrise. Dave welcomes everybody to the next mission, Come Sail Away. Each team is given items to sell to passengers disembarking from a cruise ship. The team that earns the most money gets $10,000 for the bank account. Mike interviews that he doesn't want RR to win three missions in a row. Dave reveals the catch: these items aren't very popular. The camera scans as Dave's words sink in: sombrero, iron, cotton balls. Dave adds that the teams get three and a half hours to sell their wares. Abram interviews that they need to sell at the highest prices.

David volunteers to pick the items from RW. Mike interviews that David has to step up, and hopes it's good enough. Veronica picks for RR. David grabs a toy torpedo. Coral gets pissed as David snares a sombrero. "Coral gets pissed" will be a running theme today. Veronica grabs roller skates. Syrus carries a pinata. Veronica gets a CD player. Syrus grouses about a toy fish. RR gets a microwave, RW gets a car battery. To sell. Yeah, good luck with those.

Coral instructs David to get a swimsuit, but he veers away from that. Coral openly wonders if he's on crack. Syrus rubs his head, already in agony. "David is having a terribly off day," Coral interviews. "We're all just like a deer in headlights, we can't believe this is happening." David threatens to smack everybody, insisting he's had coffee. Veronica smiles. Julie looks perplexed. Coral looks pissed.

After commercials, Dave blows his air horn to start things off. Back in Extreme Challenge, Syrus was going into a cheerleading mission with little prep time. His idea? "Be a ham. Ham this up. Honey. Glazed. Ham." Cut to today: "Get your beautiful Mexican sun piñata! Comes equipped with a black man!" Holly has trouble selling pliers. Julie lures a younger tourist away from RR, offering to juggle and dance for him. RR sells a pair of briefs. Mike gives an older woman a sombrero so big, it almost knocks her over. David unsuccessfully tries to sell a bikini top to her. Mike interviews that he's having a blast. "I'm just lying my ass off," he continues, "trying to get her to buy anything."

Time remaining: three hours, 17 minutes. Timmy has his Pirates cap on, along with an oversized clown nose. I miss Jon and Al from The Amazing Race. Timmy asks a guy if he wears muumuus. Coral grabs some cash, and we see the first returns: RW has 1,660 pesos, while RR has 940. Kendal fits an old lady for a sarong. She interviews about not being good with sales or being pushy. Katie talks to Darrell about booth position. He interviews that they have to push the stuff cheap. It would be different if they had to make a profit, as opposed to just selling the stuff. I'm sorry I compared this to The Apprentice last week. I'm actually having more fun watching this than that episode.

Time remaining: 2:30. David: "I'll be straight, I brought my C-game to this challenge." Cut to David yawning in a chair. Syrus: "He's kinda ADD. I don't think he's much help." Katie pushes the CD player and interviews that she's happy with this mission. Timmy interviews that she's making a comeback.

Time remaining: 1:45. Julie is yelling for female tourists to look at the bare-chested CT and Mike. As Mike pops his butt out, Julie tells a woman that if she buys a bikini, CT will wear it. That's supposed to be incentive? Ladies, is this what happens at Victoria's Secret? Please e-mail me. Since this is an MTV show, Leah helps CT into the thong and top. I need to gouge out my eyes. As much as some viewers might go for CT's butt, I don't need flashbacks of Jake and his thong. "Desperate times call for desperate measures," CT interviews, "and I had to step up for the team." He dances, while the ladies admire him. Julie: "When I saw CT come out with that bikini on, I realized my life was complete." Whatever. CT makes the sale and hands the stuff to the lady. Don't ask. RW now has 4,230 pesos to RR's 3,750. Leah is excited, since RR is having trouble selling. Timmy tries to convince a guy to buy hangers used by Burt Reynolds. Seriously, you wouldn't expect a reference like that from anybody but Timmy.

Time remaining: 1:15. David is still in the chair. I smell sneaky editing. Coral orders him back, but he isn't budging. "I like the kid," Coral gripes, "he's a great dude, but David can't even stay awake during a mission." Elsewhere, Shane and Abram give massages to a woman. She must be so brave to let Abram anywhere near her neck. Shane interviews that they won't let her leave until she buys something. I’m not quite getting the logic there. Abram adds that he's promising anything and everything in order to make a sale. Timmy kibitzes a man about putting RR over the top. Shane and Abram keep rubbing. Totals: RW 5,490, RR 5,305. Christena: "Shane is raunchy and massaged gross women's feet. Whatever gets the job done." Oh, shut up, Christena.

Time remaining: 0:45. Timmy's taken to juggling to attract customers. "Sales! Bargains! Love! Puppies!" Leah has trouble haggling with an older guy. Timmy: "Buy a bucket before you kick one!" Cut to two older ladies, who don't seem the least bit offended. They might not in the mood to contemplate their mortality, Timmy. Mike and Julie successfully unload an afro wig to a white guy. Timmy sells lipstick to a woman who could have been Dick Clark's babysitter.

Time remaining: 0:10. David is still in the chair. On the RR side, a woman asks about clothespins. Syrus tries to sell a sombrero. RR tries to sell a hammock, with Katie still in it. Yeah, they wish they could pull that off. Dave announces the 30-second warning. David is still in the chair, and Coral is pissed about it. Finally, Dave blows the air horn, ending the mission. Leah and Mike both interview that they think RW won the mission.

Denouement. Dave declares that the money earned will be donated to a local charity. After both sides cheer, Dave announces the totals: RW 6,330 pesos, RR 6,505 pesos. What kills me is that Dave has to tell RR that they won the mission before it dawns on them. They whoop it up, while RW looks bummed. And why not? They lost by about 15 pesos, and they were probably in the dark about their lead. Katie interviews that this being one of the best missions so far, and how she's happy to have helped. Christena declares it a team victory, since everybody did something stupid to win. Dave hands over the check. Timmy says that RR has a 6-3 lead on RW. Syrus and CT looked pained. "I'm a little pissed off," CT interviews, "because I've been running around in g-strings for three hours." So it wasn't just the one time? I'm learning so much about CT. Dave reminds everybody that each team nominates two men into the Inferno.

The RR guys get together. Darrell interviews that since the men have two Infernos left, they'll take turns volunteering. Darrell is still pronouncing it as "Infuerno." Meanwhile, Coral tells Leah that she's mad and that it was an easy mission. RR is still celebrating. Coral snipes that she doesn't want RR to win again. "I'm PMS-ing or something, but I'm [bleeping] pissed," she interviews. "I'm tired of losing, I'm over it. We all did well, except for David, of course." Cut to David telling Syrus that he's going to take a nap. He spent most of the time in a chair, and now he wants to catch some sleep. Coral: "He should not have even been there. I wish we had Katie take his turn. He ruined the whole mission. I'm just praying to the Lord that he gets beat in the next Inferno." While I do see the difference between winning and losing being equivalent to David possibly selling one trinket, I think Coral just needed an excuse to hit a whole new level of bitchiness. Love you lots, Coral, but lighten up.

RR Meeting. Abram tells the team the men will all volunteer. Shane adds that he'll go. He interviews that he doesn't want to, but he'll take the chance. Abram and Timmy want to volunteer, and they decide to play rock-paper-scissors for it. As Timmy stands up on the table, he slips and nearly slams into Abram. "We play it differently where I come from," Timmy deadpans. "That was my rock." Abram laughs, afraid to ask what Timmy's "scissors" would be. Abram takes the match, and Timmy jokes about how everybody wants to go into the Inferno. "We like to play the game fair," Holly interviews, "and both boys are ready to go to the Inferno." To recap: Road Rules? All smiles.

RW Meeting. Total doom and gloom. David volunteers, admitting he was a disaster. "If anybody should be going to the Inferno," Coral snipes in an interview, "it's David's ass." David votes for Syrus, mentioning that CT has won two Aztec Lifesavers already. Syrus reminds everybody that he finished first in two missions as well. Coral interviews that Syrus has carried the team in different ways. It is hard to vote for a man who would let a woman step on his head. Mike votes for CT, since he has yet to be nominated. Leah thinks CT is a top performer, but it is his turn. "Whatever," CT interviews, "I'll roll with it." In a weird move, Julie votes for Mike. Coral asks why, and Julie answers that he had not received a vote. Coral: "I think she was trying to wait until everyone voted, then voted for the person that it wouldn't matter. I think that sucks, and I think she sucks." Way to push the bitterness envelope.

Dave announces the nominees: David and CT from RW, Abram and Shane from RR. He asks both teams to pick one person.

RW. Coral interviews that she doesn't want to take a chance and lose another player. David votes for Shane. "I don't want to mess with Abram," he adds, "because I think he's a psycho." No argument here. Leah: "We chose Shane because we think Abe's crazy. We think Abe will do absolutely anything. That's definitely intimidating."

RR. Christena wants to send in David, "the guy with two colored eyes." I can't believe I forgot that. I’ll have to check the interview segments next week. Everybody proceeds to make lame jokes about David's attention span, and I won't quote them here. Abram interviews that David is the easy choice. I think that there is no easy choice between David and CT, and David's just been in a slump.

Plate standoff. I think Leah tries to snap her fingers in the style of West Side Story. The plates go up with the usual fanfare. "I'm not afraid of David," Shane insists, "but you don't want to go to the Inferno, ever." Ah, shut up and take your medicine. Christena drops the usual Aztec Lifesaver exposition, giving Shane a chance to bail himself out next week. Mike interviews that the selection is a kick in the ass, and that he hopes David gets back all of his steam. What does David think of going a few hours in the Inferno? "I'd rather have certain knee surgery than go do that. It's going to be ridiculous, and I don't know how I'm gonna survive."

Times passes. Darrell and Holly chat on a rocking bench. I'm amazed that Darrell, the would-be Olympic boxer, hasn't even been nominated yet. I'm sorry... after listening go on and on last season about Sarah underachieving, I just want him to sweat a little. Anyway, he laughs about how RR has "volunteerin' fools." He interviews that the team has well-rounded people and it's possible they'll win in the end. He moves on to Katie, and how she doesn't believe in herself. Holly doesn't think an RR woman will go home, and that Katie just had a few bad missions at the beginning. "If she was on [the RW] team," she continues, "she'd be right in the middle of the pack." Come on. I'd rank Leah and Coral over Katie. Holly interviews that she doesn't know if the others are laying blame on Katie, but she has impressed the team.

Villa. Syrus: "Abe seems like he's just nuts, and nuts usually prosper in this realm of life." Darrell shaves Abram's head. Abram interviews about wanting a mohawk his entire life. "We are kicking the Real World's ass now," he interviews, hair moussed up. "That means I am hardcore enough to have a mohawk." Insert your own Taxi Driver joke here... ah the hell with it. "You talkin' to me, Donell?"

Sunset leads to night. David tells Christena that he has to step up, and that he needed to go to the Inferno. I guess that Christena is RR's Julie, in the sense that she's always in the middle of the drama. "The Inferno isn't going up against another person," David interviews. "You are what you're essentially going up against. I go to the Inferno, and I will do it up. Shane, you're going home." Cut to Shane, oblivious to David's renewed energy. For what it's worth, I hope David pulls it off.

Next week: I realize that in three seasons, I've never covered a straight-up bungee mission. Anyway, Katie sobs a lot, wiping out Holly's good vibes towards her. Veronica takes it upon herself to holler at Katie from the ground. CT interviews that RW has to step up, and he hopes everybody jumps. Cut to Leah suffering a massive panic attack. How bad? Enough to get shoved into an ambulance. How do you say "medical place" in Spanish?

I miss Timmy. I didn't miss David after Gauntlet 2. I think he peaked in the "scavenger hunt" mission in Challenge 2000, where he chased a cow in order to kiss it, yelling "YOU HAVE NO HEART!!!" It's funnier because of the thick Boston accent. The good news was that this was a prelude to a heroic moment, a point where I thought the season would be halfway decent. I was wrong, of course.