The Inferno Episode 8: Sleep Now in the Fire

Dirty 30 log supplemental: It took seventeen episodes to get from the field of thirty down to six finalists. Established competitive reality shows (for me, Survivor and The Amazing Race) don't go that high. The only one that is still active that I can think of is Big Brother, and that airs three times a week during the summer. Anyway, we get the usual epic marathon final mission (in Argentina), and that would be the point where TJ Lavin ambles in to announce the winners. Except he's not there. He's on the phone, and he tells the gang that the winner will be announced at the Reunion in the U.S. Because if you're going to rip off Survivor, why not go whole hog?

If this wasn't bad enough, it turns out the Reunion will be aired over two weeks. If you're counting, this season will be nineteen episodes long; twenty if you count the preview special. And I wouldn't have that big of a problem if this season wasn't a dud, drowning in so many twists and gimmicks. Also, the winners might prove to be Jordan and Camila. In one episode, Jordan was trying his best in a rap battle, and he told Jemmye that she had "a Down Syndrome face," which turned most of the women in the house against him. Camila topped that a few episodes later with her usual out-of-control tantrum, followed by a racial slur towards Leroy. I'm okay with Jordan in general, because he was probably buzzed, trying to keep up with the others, and is basically a meathead. Camila? She's just the worst. The absolute worst. She's so bad, I've heard Bunim-Murray might keep her out of Challenges following the upcoming Champs vs. Stars.

Bottom line: As much as I like hating upon The Inferno, at least it was reasonably awful. We only had twenty players to start, and a half-hour per episode. And this was the seventh season, so -- aside from Veronica -- familiarity hadn't bred as much contempt as we would have for the likes of Johnny and Camila today. And we had folks like Mike, Coral, and Timmy for reliable entertainment. I miss Timmy since he retired after Inferno 3. He was a book of dad jokes come to life, but he was good people. Anyway, here's an episode with a really sucky Inferno, and Road Rules trying to throw Katie under the bus. Enjoy!! 

Airdate: March 15, 2004
Recap Published: March 22, 2004

This week, we have a grueling endurance mission, a team plotting to lose one member, and two friends forced to fight each other. So why is it so boring?

Previously on The Inferno: Road Rules won Ultimate Saturn Road Trip, beefing up their bank account to $40,000. Voiceover Lady: "Leah sets her sights on Road Rules's bad boy Darrell." First of all, there never was a Leah/Darrell subplot, aside from her telling Julie and Trishelle that she liked him a lot. Secondly... bad boy? I think "incomprehensible boy" fits better. Anyway, she backed her thang up for him on the dance floor. Christena volunteered for the Inferno, but found herself slated to battle her best friend Mallory. Shot of the pier. Who will take the short boat home... tonight?

Credits. In case you've sworn off MTV videos altogether, Yellowcard has one in rotation. "Ocean Avenue" is a little weird, what with the Groundhog Day plot, nuns, and bums. But the song kicks butt, and I'm happy they're not totally dependent on reality "stars" for celebrity.

Villa. Christena and Mallory chat. Christena doesn't know if she'll be able to go back to school in Michigan due to out-of-state tuition costs. She interviews that she met Mallory at the MTV Video Music Awards. "We're unbelievably close because we're one and the same," Christena interviews. She goes on about how she feels on the same team as Mallory, and they playfully trash each other. "I really think it would be difficult to be here without her," Mallory interviews. "I'd rather not go up against my best friend." After enduring the Rachel/Sarah Gauntlet last season, I'm still not moved.

Elsewhere, Leah and Darrell cuddle on a couch. He wishes they were in Acapulco by themselves. Leah interviews that she's been spending a lot of time with Darrell, since he's really sweet and funny. "Leah's a beautiful girl," Darrell interviews. "She likes to come around, kiss, cuddle, hug. I had no idea me and Leah would be doin' what we do." Total segment time: 37 seconds. That was underwhelming.

Mission site. Buckets hang from rafters. Dave welcomes the players to Don't Yank My Chain. There's hooting and hollering, since it's a vaguely veiled self-pleasure reference. Dave lays down the exposition: each team will stand with their arms in the air. Timmy picks things up, explaining that one arm will be through a loop, which is attached to a bucket. Dave tells the players that the arm controls the bucket over the teammate on their right-hand side. The buckets are filled with nacho ingredients: cheese, guacamole, salsa, and sour cream. Very yummy. Veronica is disgusted. "None of the condiments are actually tasty," she interviews, "and you don't want this [bleep] all over yourself." Dave says that when the arm falls, the bucket dumps on a teammate. The team with the last player standing wins $10,000. Mike interviews the obvious, that RW needs to win. Dave adds that the last players from each side will receive the Aztec Lifesaver. Mallory interviews that she plans on getting the AL and staying for a long time.

RR skullduggery. Veronica tells a stretching Christena that she has to win. In fact, if RW loses, the RR members will let Christena win. Veronica interviews that Katie is RR's weakest player, and if Christena wins the AL, then she can put Katie in her place. Shady but effective, especially since RW would never want Katie to be eliminated. "Katie, we're tired of seeing you perform horribly at missions," Shane snots, as we get a flashback to her choking in Birdfeeder. "You solely have carried the team down and lost $10,000. I can't wait to get rid of you so [fake gasp] I can breathe easy at night." Is Katie a scrub? In my mind: yes. Worse than Sarah, even. But the way Shane rips into her... he's being a jerk about it. So shut up, Shane. Suck up to Adam on your own time. Christena: "I feel completely divided, because I know what's best for the team and what's best for my bank account, but Katie is a human being and a nice person."

While the kids’ table plots Katie's immediate demise, Aunt Holly and Uncle Timmy look on. She thinks it's shady, he figures it's strategy. "It's not shady," he jokes, "we're just money-grubbing whores." Looks like somebody's been reading the forums. Holly laughs, but admits she came to win. "The idea of throwing a mission doesn't sit well with me," she interviews. "But you're only as strong as your weakest player. So having Katie here in the end for the final mission could be a detriment to our team." Timmy tells Holly that they can't finish with their entire team intact. They seem to have forgotten about Jeremy already.

Christena pulls Katie aside and lets her in on the plan. Obviously, Christena didn't see Katie's meltdown with Veronica from last season. Katie tells Christena that she figured that out, and interviews that she's pissed. Christena figures that if Katie survives an Inferno, she'll be here for the long haul. Christena interviews that she wants to win the AL fairly. Katie interviews that her game plan is to keep her arms up longer than Christena.

 

Dave gets everybody in position and counts down before blowing the air horn. Coral's t-shirt says "Bitchcakes." Hey, it's better that Julie putting her band's name on her shirt. Everybody is concentrating on the task. David's body starts to blur, thanks to editing. He interviews that he has ligament damage in both elbows, and he injured it again in Climbing Wall. He yanks down the rope, covering Leah with a brown substance. David's time: 25 minutes. "I'm not a quitter," he interviews, "but I'm not gonna sit and fight something I know I'm not gonna win at." Timmy interviews about his "broken-up" elbows from years of football. He nails Kendal with the brown stuff, clocking out at 0:25. Suddenly, Timmy himself is covered in guacamole. He says that Holly pulled her cord at 0:26.

More shots. Darrell pulls his cord, splattering Christena (0:31). Mike yells for Julie to splash him, and she coats him in nasty sour cream (0:32). Shane interviews that his arms are getting weak and he can't hold it. He yanks, sour creaming Katie (0:47). Coral does the same to CT (1:07). Syrus pulls his cord, covering David's back with salsa (1:19). As CT flexes his fingers, he accidentally drenches Mallory in salsa (1:44), but she has enough presence of mind to stay focused.

Dave announces that two hours have gone by. Remaining RR players: Katie, Christena, Abram, Veronica, and Kendal. Remaining RW players: Mallory, Leah, and Mike. Katie interviews that the first five minutes are the hardest, and she's numb after that. Abram doesn't know how she's lasting so long. Veronica tells Christena to breathe and concentrate. Shot of Katie. Shot of Christena. And then... Christena yanks her cord, covering Abram in sour cream. Soundtrack: "Life is sweet, gooooooooood." Christena's time: 2:10. Suddenly, Veronica has guacamole dumped on her. Katie: "I knew that whoever was to my right was gonna get dumped on. I was pretty pleased to know it was Veronica." I don't like Katie, but I do dig the bitterness. Her time: 2:16. She interviews that she was concentrating on beating Christena, and she didn't care anymore. Christena: "Letting her know cost me, because Katie had fire in her eyes to stay, to keep her arms up. Otherwise, she would've been down taking a nap 20 minutes into the thing."

Remaining RR players: Abram, Veronica, Kendal. Remaining RW players: Mallory, Leah, Mike. Elapsed time: 2:30. Julie tells Mallory to focus. Soon, Mallory gives up, yanking her cord (2:42). Sadly, the sour cream doesn't even touch Julie. Mallory interviews that Christena is the last person she wanted to send home. Leah gives up, and Coral gets a torrent of guacamole on her butt (3:09).

Remaining RR players: Abram, Veronica, Kendal. Remaining RW player: Mike. "It's hot," Veronica complains, "I have guacamole dripping... it's like crusting in between my boobs." Thank you for sharing, Veronica. Mike taunts RR, saying he's making them suffer. He nonchalantly moves his hand. Somebody yells. Splash. Mike's eyes big out. Game over... and thank God, because I don't know how much more manufactured suspense I could have taken. Abram tugs his cord, soaking Holly in sour cream. Kendal nails Shane, and RR celebrates their win. Obviously, Mike is disappointed in the loss.

Dave awards $10,000 to RR, upping their bank to $50,000. Kendal says that RR is up, 5-3. Shane: "We're starting a streak here. It's really good." Dave awards the Aztec Lifesavers to Mike (4:24) and Veronica (4:40). He dismisses the players, telling them that he'll see them at nightfall.

The players hit the beach for frolicking. Katie walks and talks with Mike and Kendal. "They were all going to let Christena win so that she can send me into the Inferno," she interviews. "I had to step up, so I did, and I'm more proud of myself than I thought I could be." How long will this feeling last? Not long, I reckon.

Villa. Christena and Mallory get in some last-minute bonding. Mallory interviews that it will be difficult for either person to stay without the other. She tells Christena that there's nobody she'd rather lose to than her. Christena admits she's scared to go home. They agree that whoever wins will stay on and not go through another Inferno. Christena: "Going against your friend in the Inferno is probably the worst scenario possible, because one of you is going home." Gee, I didn't get the message. It's only been hammered into my skull about fifty times already.

Inferno site. Dave introduces the players to this week's Inferno: Noise Pollution. The objective: each player stands on a two-foot platform, listening to annoying sounds on headphones. The player that lasts the longest gets to stay. Dave: "The loser will pack his bags and leave tonight." Dave? It's Ladies Night – the loser will pack her bags. I miss Jonny Moseley. If there's a tie after two hours, the players will stand on four-inch blocks... while balancing on one leg. What's the point? I mean, what is the sense of making the girls listen to loud sounds when it really comes down to balance? Dave asks the two Aztec Lifesaver holders if they want to sacrifice themselves. Obviously, Mike and Veronica turn him down.

 

After Christena and Mallory strap on their headphones, Dave bangs the gong to gets things started. I like the gong. Immediately, the ladies are bombarded by noise and bright flashing lights. Christena jokes about not going to sleep afterwards. Mallory interviews that she doesn't like the loud ringing, but she'll stick with it. Elapsed time: 47 minutes. Neither player is too distressed. Timmy whips out a somewhat bad Howard Cossell impression. I'll let him slide, since you don't hear that impression anymore and because he's Timmy. Time elapsed: one hour, 32 minutes. Christena calls this "nerve-wracking." A baby cries, and it is driving Mallory insane. Abram: "It's like babies crying at the same time that a cat is being strangled while there's a chainsaw going. It's [bleeping] bizarre." Draw your own conclusions about Abram.

After two hours, the ladies take a break. Christena has a little drool coming from her mouth. Dave shows us the "sudden death block," which is small indeed, and cancels out the whole concept of noise tolerance. Mike reminds us that the players will be balancing on the block while listening to the noise.

Gong. Both players try to balance. Mallory: "This really is the worst feeling ever, because I'm focusing so hard on just trying to stay on top, and I really want to stay here." Just then, a siren goes off, and Mallory stumbles after 40 seconds of sudden-death time. Game over. Christena's victory sets off a huge RR celebration. "She hung in there like a champ," CT interviews of Mallory. "She did what she could. It's all we ask of her." Katie is glad that Christena won, since she had apologized for earlier events. Christena: "You feel bad for sending the person home, and you want to celebrate for winning, but the reason I was enjoying myself here was because of her." Mallory interviews that she wanted to stay, but she's excited that Christena gets to stay. A graphic shows that RW has lost three members, while RR has lost just one. David laments over losing players and missions.

Farewells. Mallory gets goodbye hugs from her teammates, and is escorted to the short boat by Leah, Christena, and Julie. I'm beginning to hate Julie popping up in the departures. "I'm gonna miss a lot of people on this challenge," Mallory interviews. "I couldn't say enough good things about everyone, and I just feel very lucky that I had the opportunity to meet all these people." Mallory sails away into the night. Christena: "To see her go home is sad, but this is about winning at the end."

So why did this episode bite? Too much emphasis on endurance, for one thing. The players went through a combined six hours of doing barely anything. For another thing, the mission was a rehash of the bucket challenge from Survivor: Africa. Also, I feel that the editors are trying too hard to sell Katie as this season's Sarah. Maybe it's the huge pro-Sarah bias, but Katie doesn't measure up in my eyes. Sarah tried her hardest, while Katie can't get it out of first gear. Also, Sarah never made a spectacle of herself protesting her team sending her into the Gauntlet time and time again. Whether Katie can survive her upcoming outburst remains to be seen.

Next week: The kids sell stuff to cruise ship passengers. Now they're ripping off The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, and The Mole. Anyway, while CT prances in a pink bikini and I seek to gouge out my eyeballs, a very cranky David threatens to smack everybody. 

I still wasn't Team Katie at this point. Also, notice that I'm not hating on Holly and Christena. Sadly, they would change in a few episodes. Also, we would get a much worse Inferno in four weeks' time. I mean, the stakes were greater and I loved the outcome, but it was so lame.

Mallory turned out to be a one-and-done Challenger. She wound up going into modeling for a few years, including appearances in Sports Illustrated's "Swimsuit Issue" in 2005-2006. I found this after searching online. While I'm thinking about it: why do readers get the prices of the swimsuit when the magazine knows damn well few women would be looking at it? I'm not bugged by that, just mildly bemused.

Finally . . . I mentioned "Ocean Avenue" early in the recap, so why not show it here? The story is a nice riff off Run, Lola, Run. "Way Away" resonated more for me, but this is pretty good.