Inferno II Episode 12: Welcome to Walla Walla

Previously on Inferno II: The Unheroic Trio of Rachel, Tina and Veronica bugged Tonya until she snapped. The Bad Asses bickered in Riddle Me This, allowing the Good Guys to win, upping their bank account to $50,000. While Julie was excited to represent her team in the Inferno, Tonya’s nomination gave the Trio hope they’d be rid of her. Tina: “There’s gonna be a big fight tonight! Someone’s goin’ to hell!” I’m sorry, but I still like her.

There’s a full moon rising. Tonya talks to Julie about their impending battle. She thinks it will be a good match, since they’re both “crazy in the head and tough competitors.” Tonya may be crazy, but she ain’t Julie crazy. Julie interviews that it’s tough to be motivated against Tonya. “Put me against Veronica,” she adds, “at least I feel like I’m battling evil.” Maybe Matt felt the same way about Sarah before their Gauntlet. Julie adds that Tonya is victimized by her team.

Speaking of Tonya, she reads the sponsor text message: meet at Marina Portadela Navidad, wear team colors and tennis shoes, and be ready at 10 a.m. Tina interviews that the Good Guys killed her team last time. “I don’t even think there’s any redemption from this last disappointment,” she adds.

New day at the Villa. Rachel is fixing Tonya’s hair. Surprisingly, she’s not trying to yank it out. Turns out that on this day, the Bad Ass ladies have matching hairstyles and “Future MILF” t-shirts. Did Beth ever wear any crap “College Dropout” gear in her short time on the show? I’m just saying. Tonya tells us that her teammates are kissing her butt because they don’t want her to win the Aztec Lifeshield. “I see right through it,” she laughs. “I’ll play along with it, but I’m not stupid.”

Marina. Dave welcomes everybody to today’s mission: Time to Ride. The objective: drive a mini motorcycle through a course over water. There are two options. The shorter path is straightforward, using a 16-inch beam that is 45 feet long. The longer option has a four-foot-wide beam, around a winding course that totals 240 feet. This path is four times longer that the short option. It’s a variation of Razor’s Edge from Battle of the Sexes, only without Antoine rocking a scooter. Good times. Abram expositions that wrecking the bike or driving it into the water results in a disqualification. Landon adds that a DQ can be doled out for taking the feet off the pegs on the bike. Dave yaddas that the team with the fastest average time gets $10,000 for their bank. The players with the fastest time on their teams will get the Aztec Lifeshield. Naturally, Tonya wants it, and she’s prepared to go “balls to the wall” to get it.

Preparation time. Mike squats down on a bike, comparing it to a tricycle. Darrell makes noises on his bike. CT plans on going down the straight path. Mike plans on drawing a goatee and halo mustache with face paint. So he wasn’t lying to Dan in the second episode. That’s pretty darn scary. The Bad Ass girls line up on their bikes, trying to look bad. Here comes Mike, all painted up and begging to get his butt kicked by the local Hell’s Angels chapter. The girls laugh, taking their minds off their seething hatred of Tonya.

Abram goes first, telling Dave that he’ll be going down the middle. Dave warns him that it’s a little wobbly. Abram revs up the bike, interviewing that he’ll be okay if he gets top speed. Dave blows his whistle. Abram takes off, and we switch to an Abe’s eye view of his run...and his fall into the water. The Bad Asses look stunned on the sidelines.

Back from commercials, we see Abram fall into the water, and it is so funny. Landon interviews that his team will take the long path. He has also partaken in the face paint, slapping on muttonchops to go with his new hairstyle. Maybe that’s why we never see Darrell...because he doesn’t look like a total dope.

Mike takes the long route, interviewing that he’s 200 pounds heavier than the bike, and that it is hard to maneuver. He zips around the course, wobbles a little bit, and reaches the finish line. Actually, he zooms past it and into the water, earning himself a disqualification for his efforts. On the bright side, most of his paint has washed off. CT: “Mike comes barreling through the finish line and drives into the water like a meathead.” Heh...another guy called Mike a “meathead.” I smell a new nickname! CT adds that the Bad Asses have a second chance to win, and he’s taking the longer route. Sure enough, he takes his time and makes it across, clocking out at two minutes and 50 seconds. He’s thankful to make it across, and thinks it’s anybody’s game.

Landon takes the long route. He speeds along, being cautious at the turns, and finishes at 1:49. He interviews that he tried to go as fast as he could, and that it was as fun as it looked.

Tina takes the long route. She struggles, making Tonya wince on the sidelines, but manages to clock out at 3:29. She interviews about thinking being smaller would help, but she didn’t get the Aztec Lifeshield.

Shavonda takes the long route. She also doesn’t put her foot on the pegs, even as Mike yells at her. She finishes up, then acts surprised when Dave disqualifies her. She interviews that she didn’t mean to do it, but she was trying to keep her balance.

Dan takes the long route. Derrick: “Dan’s gonna look like such a klutz on this.” CT agrees, saying that Dan makes him nervous. It’s the gangly factor, I know it. Dan zips and wobbles, forcing CT to cover his face. He ends with a time of 1:46, bowing to his teammates. He interviews that his team is thrilled that he got a good time, since it would be hard for Tonya to beat him.

Darrell takes the long route, finishing at 3:16. Veronica takes the long route as well. Actual lyrics from background music: “Smell like a skunk, walk like a drunk, I’m a roadkill custard.” I think the editors are as sick of her as I am. Dan snipes at her to hit the gas, as she wobbles and takes her feet off the pegs. She finishes, but gets the DQ. She informs us that both teams are tied for DQs. Mike adds that the Good Guys need great times from Jamie and Julie.

Jamie takes the long route. Actually, she takes the bike off the path and into the water. The editors pipe in whimsical music and a goofy sound effect for her trouble. Tonya cackles, the Bad Asses laugh, and Landon has a good chuckle. Even Jamie laughs in the water as she apologizes. Dan: “She looks like a soggy wet cat. Just pathetic to see.” He adds that the teams got mad at those who messed up, but everybody still likes her.

Rachel takes the long route. She interviews that Tonya is going to the Inferno, and she’s looking to make sure she gets the Lifeshield. Rachel takes off, and Dave reminds her to keep her feet on the pegs. Soon, her front wheel goes off the path. She tries to rein the bike back, but she goes into the water instead. Once again: how is she a strong competitor? Both teams now have three DQs apiece. Dan snipes that if a player puts the feet down, that person will fall. And now, let’s listen to Rachel be oblivious to her own sucking of wind. “This is an unfamiliar feeling for me,” she interviews, “to have the game this close and this up in the air.”

Tonya asks Julie which path she’ll be taking. Julie: “The path to God is straight and narrow.” Alrighty, then. Tonya figures that if Julie falls, her team loses. Mike thinks that the team will be in good shape if Julie comes through. She tells Dave about her plans, interviews that if she pulls it off, the team will win and she’ll get the Lifeshield, making it a “double whammy.” She adds that she has to make the decision without her team.

Mike and Darrell look on, denying to themselves that Julie would go for broke. Julie: “The road to God is straight and narrow. The road to God is straight and narrow.” The Good Guys’ amusement turns to horror over what their looniest member is about to attempt, and they yell at Julie. “The road to God is straight and narrow. The road to God is straight and narrow.” Landon interviews that if she goes into the water, she essentially forfeits the mission for her team. She takes off...and gets about half the distance Abram did before taking a drink. On the bright side, her stupid grin stayed on until she hit the water. The Bad Asses laugh it up, and Julie tells us that at least she tried. Landon: “That was so stupid! That was so dumb!” No kidding. Do you guys need Coral and Melissa to come down and explain why letting Julie do whatever the voices in her head tell her to do is NOT a good idea? She interviews that her teammates might hate her, but she would have wondered if she could have done it, adding that she’s confident Tonya would do it. Jamie: “After the fucking score was evened out, how would you do that?”

Derrick takes the long route, speeding along the course and taking his time on the corners. He rushes the finish line at 0:57, getting a round of applause from his team. He interviews that he thinks he got the Lifeshield, and he plans on keeping his mouth shut and hope for the best. Dan chest bumps the smaller Derrick back a few feet.

Tonya gets ready to ride. She interviews that the only fun she’s having is making the other girls squirm. She takes the long route, taking her time on the corners, while CT and Dan yell encouragement. She skids to the finish line, her time unknown for maximum drama. Rachel interviews that Tonya could win the Lifeshield and send another girl into the Inferno.

Back from commercials, Dave awards the $10,000 check to the Bad Asses, increasing their bank to $70,000. Average times: Bad Asses 4:11, Good Guys 4:41. I tried to calculate what the penalty time was, but I eventually gave up. Abram interviews that it was nice to win again, and he wants to stay up. Dave awards the Aztec Lifeshield to Landon for his time of 1:49. Who gets the award on the Bad Ass side? Tonya’s time was 0:59, and that’s not enough to beat Derrick and his 0:57. The team cheers and chants his name, as Tonya gives half-hearted applause. Dave notes that since no girls won the Lifeshield, it’ll be Tonya vs. Julie tonight. Tonya is cool with going, and it was fun for her to make the other girls squirm for a short time.

Flame segue! Inferno! Flames and barbed wire! Dave welcomes everybody to the Inferno. Julie stomps onto the stage, while Tonya nonchalantly walks in. Tonight’s event is Patch Work. Both players will wear suits with 27 patches from the opposing team. The objective: rip off the patches from the opponent. With this news, Tonya jumps up and down like a lunatic. Landon: “Tonya’s freaking out! Tonya’s freaking out!” Once order is restored, Dave states that once a person loses all of her patches, the match stops. In a twist, the players must deposit their spoils in a basket. The person with the most patches in the basket wins. In addition, the players will be attached to bungee cords for bouncing action. Dave tells the players to keep it clean, with no kicking or scratching allowed. Tonya: “I know this girl plans dirty! I’ve seen it before!” Landon yells that if she’s not playing dirty, then she’s not trying to win. Veronica interviews that both girls are prepared to rip each other’s eyes out. Dave ends it with the usual spiel: winner returns to the team, loser goes home.

Both players suit up. Tonya: “Julie’s outta here, and if she plays dirty, she’s gonna wish she didn’t.” Julie: “I feel really cool, I feel really confident. If I lose this one, it’s seriously a fluke.” Feel free to circle that in red ink. Tonya: “She’s staring at me like I’m the devil. And I’m staring at her like she is Veronica. I want to eat her for lunch. I want to kill her.”

Dave bangs the gong, and we are underway. Both players lunge, ripping off patches. Tonya maneuvers on top of Julie. I’m guessing that the cords were brought it to prevent an one-sided affair. Landon and Mike get their roid rage on, screaming for Julie. Both sides deposit patches in their baskets. Dan: “It’s just a catfight. You can just see fingernails and hair. It’s vicious.” Julie screams as she rips patches from Tonya. Landon: “Julie, you are a dirty girl! We love it!” Like I need to hear “Julie” and “dirty girl” in the same sentence. Both dump their patches. Tonya goes for her basket, allowing Julie to score a few more patches on her own.

Dave bangs the gong again, signaling the end of the game. Tonya interviews that this is the Inferno where they don’t know who won, and that it will come down to a few patches. Julie tells us that she did the best she could have done, and she wouldn’t have done it any differently.

Judgement time. Dave announces that Julie got 22 patches. Tonya? Got 23. Excuse me for a second...

BBWWWWWWAAAAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! HHHAAAAAAA ha ha ha! HA! HA! HAAAAAA!

Wow, that felt good. Okay, I knew Julie was toast the moment Tonya didn’t get the Aztec Lifeshield, since the extended teaser from a few weeks ago had Tonya buried up to her next in sand. Still, I hate Julie. She has skills, but she is batspit insane. In her mind, nothing she ever does is wrong...from picking fights with the likes of Emily and Coral, to acting like a little brat during missions, to urinating on the bed of somebody whom she doesn’t like.. I know lots of people hate Coral, but did she deserve that? And using her religion to try and look like a good person is laughable. She should have Genesis’ “Jesus He Knows Me” as background music all the time. After seeing Jodi and Brad walk the plank, I needed this. And with Tonya winning, we got the underdog plot that was missing in Battle of the Sexes 2. But more importantly, Julie is gone, and that never gets old. Hallelujah!

Back to the action: Tonya jumps around, as the Bad Asses celebrate. To her credit (or discredit, depending on your tastes), she doesn’t curse out her team the way Katie did after her victory over Julie last year. Julie looks all right with the development. Tonya yells that she wasn’t going home. A highly selective edit shows the other Bad Ass girls looking downcast. Check the tape...they were celebrating before. “I’m just overwhelmed with how I feel,” Tonya interviews. “I knew I could do this and I did it. And the fact that people saw it feels that much better.”

Farewell time. Julie apologizes as she hugs Shavonda, interviewing that the disappointment on Shavonda’s face was “almost more than I can take.” More sorrowful hugging. Julie adds that she’s sad to not be there for her team. “I really, really feel bad that my girls are so upset,” she continues. “They’re going to be fine. Honestly, they don’t need me! I’m not that big a deal!” While she says that, there’s a nicely synchronized double bitchface from Shavonda and Jamie. Julie: “It’s a long hard battle with many casualties along the way, but you will prevail in the end, because good does prevail over evil.” Shut up. I’m glad the only prize you’ve won in your last three Challenges was a year’s worth of movie rentals. She stops at the door, does a little curtesy, and steps through. If there’s any justice, Rachel or Veronica will take that walk of shame in four weeks.

Outside, Tonya composes herself. Tina interviews that Tonya is still in the game, adding, “How much does that suck?” As opposed to her gone, Julie staying, and the BA ladies running roughshod on the fellas? It doeesn’t suck that hard. Tonya is on the cell phone, asking if her teammates will be going back to the villa. Dan interviews that Tonya thinks the others are out to get her.

Guess what? We’re back at Jarro! Tonya has a drink with Dan, Darrell and Derrick, and has a dance with the smaller guy. “She went in there like a bad ass bitch and whipped some ass,” Derrick interviews. “I am completely happy that Tonya’s back.” This guy still hasn’t gotten on my nerves. Way to go, Derrick! Tonya dances with Darrell, and lap dances on Dan, who is wearing a huge sombrero.

Villa. Tonya comes back from a night of revelry. “I know I’m going back to a team that ultimately thinks I won by one patch,” she interviews. Hey, it wasn’t as big a fluke as Katie beating Julie at the jumprope. “But I want to flip them off. I want to tell the girls to eat shit and leave me alone.” She adds that she won’t do that...not because she can’t stick up for herself, but because she proved it to herself. Failing that, there’s always the pool. If Veronica packs as much makeup as she did in BOTS, that stuff would take forever to retrieve. “Go ahead, put me in the Inferno again,” Tonya continues. “I want to be here, I believe in myself, and that’s the difference.”

Tonya enters the bedroom, but nobody is awake enough to jump on her self-esteem. Veronica offers half-hearted congratulations. Tonya says that they’re stuck with her for one more week. Veronica: “Tonya, you’re stuck with us the same way.” D’oh! Cut to outside the Villa. Tonya: “Please be nice to me.” Veronica: “Oh, Tonya.” Fade to credits.

Next time: the kids have to mimic a room’s arrangement. It looks like a cross between the Treehouse mission from BOTS1 and the bizzaro version of Wreck 'n Roll from Inferno. Jamie reminds us that half of the Good Guys team is gone. Dan interviews that he sees three guys desperate to win, and he’s not desperate. CT: “See ya later. Peace, homey. Thanks for the cash.” CT vs. Dan? Wake me when there’s somebody worth rooting for.