The Inferno Episode 14:The One Where Kendal Messes Up

Like I said in my previous recap, things get more "interesting" from here on out. Also, you'll notice some key stuff from 2004. Survivor: All-Stars was chugging to a finale where lovebirds Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich would face off for $1 million, mostly because the opposition was just that stupid. They went into Day 36 with Jenna Lewis, Rupert Boneham and Tom Buchanan . . . not exactly people you'd meet at a MENSA shindig. Also, Lex van den Berghe could have voted out Amber, but Rob (stuck on the other tribe) persuaded him not to do it . . . and then Lex got voted off, followed by Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien. To use a quote form Shii Ann Huang: "Stupid people! Stupid, stupid people!"

Then there was the approaching of the fifth season of The Amazing Race, which turned out to be one of the best installments in the history of the series. I mean, not only did the casting department find another grown man that answered to "Chip," he was the direct opposite of the "Chip" they cast in the preceding season. And they BOTH won with their respective partners! Finally, the recap title was inspired by Friends, which had wrapped up one week earlier. And yes, Kendal messes up, and that would turn into one of the most chaotic endgames of all time. Not because of the game itself, which really sucked. You'll see what I mean.

Airdate: May 3, 2004
Recap Published: May 12, 2004 (once again, I display the slow-but-steady speed that would get be "fired" almost a year later)

Both teams scheme to send their weakest links into the Inferno, but Kendal's not in the loop. Drama ensues.

The past two weeks haven't been fun for me. First, my girl Shii Ann got voted out of Survivor: All-Stars, and I had to endure five annoying people going for the grand prize. As I write this, I'm hoping that Jenna or Rupert don't win, or I'll go nuts. CBS put up a page for The Amazing Race 5, complete with a preview clip... which I can't see with my slow dial-up connection. The point: between that and other things that I won't get into right now, I somehow forgot how annoying and loathsome my recap subjects could be. This past Monday, I was reminded. Oh, how I was reminded.

Previously on The Inferno: Kendal and Mike got romantic. Leah messed up Fallen Angel, and was singled out as Real World's weakest link. Road Rules won the mission, upping their bank account to $90,000. Timmy got selected by RW, but his teammates schemed to save them. Veronica contemplates winning the Aztec Lifesaver, then taking Timmy's place. She interviews that losing Timmy would be devastating. On the other side, RW openly schemes to shove Leah into the Inferno, much to her annoyance.

Villa. Veronica, Christena and Timmy chat about how hard it is to throw missions. Veronica interviews that the team is looking to get Timmy the Aztec Lifesaver... in order to send Katie in. But that trick never works! You jerks already have $90,000! She hasn't been that big an albatross! Great... not even a minute into this episode, and I'm already raging. Across the pool, Katie rocks in a chair, blissfully unaware of the machinations. If I'm Katie, Veronica would be my new best friend. I wouldn't let that back-stabber out of my sight. Veronica tells her cohorts to keep it quiet, lest Katie find out. Abram interviews that he hopes everybody is on the same page.

Cut to Kendal, with Mike at an arcade. Did you hear that? That was an anvil falling. I'm surprised it didn't land on you. Mike interviews that he can trust Kendal. He adds, "She's a very smart girl, and a very good, wholesome, down-to-earth fun to be around." Kendal: "Mike's a good guy. He's fun, he's charming, and you know that here's something there by the way you kiss somebody. Mike and I are compatible kissers." Blech. They walk off arm-in-arm.

Day lapses to night, and night lapses to day. Dave welcomes everybody to Saturn Valet Ballet. Apparently, the car manufacturer sent an extra-big sack of money in order to get a second mission. Dave instructs the players to check out the Saturn Ion, and they ooooh and aaaah accordingly. The objective of this mission is to get the car to the valet stand as quickly as possible. The twist? Five other cars have to be moved in order to get the Ion out. Darrell is back to wearing the wig and the fake teeth. Yeah, whatever. Another twist: there are sixteen sets of keys, but the key chains and the license plates match. Holly expositions that if a player doesn't buckle up before starting the car, a one-minute penalty is incurred. Hitting another car or a wall results in disqualification. No word on the usual slowest time plus two minutes, so I'll assume that. Team with the fastest average time gets $10,000. Also, the fastest players on each team receive the Aztec Lifesaver. Christena reminds us that Timmy and David have to win the AL. Timmy interviews that the teams are looking out for their best interests with regards to the final missions, and RR wants him to stay.

Timmy goes first for RR, as he studies the license plates and grabs the keys. He moves the first car out of the way, huffing and puffing as he runs. A referee catches him not having his seatbelt on. Finally, he completes the mission at 10 minutes, 26 seconds. He interviews that he did well, then tells any kids watching to always buckle up. For some reason, I can never stay mad at Timmy. He's such a cornball.

Abram runs, studying the cars, not going out of his way to grind his sneakers into Katie's ego this time. He's still a jackass, though. Katie looks on, her face soured. She interviews that she thinks sabotage is afoot. "He does seem to be taking his time," she continues, "which is not very Abram-like." Abram babbles while he's running, incurs a penalty, and finishes at 14:26.

David talks to Leah about the starting order, wanting to go 1-2 with her. Here comes CT to hammer us with his distaste. "We want to get rid of Leah," he interviews. "She's slowing our team down, she's dead weight, she doesn't even compete in missions. Why should we be splitting money with this girl?" Coral expositions that if David beats Leah's time, the other guys will throw the mission. Leah decides to go second. David interviews that it's a good mission for him, since he does a lot of parallel parking in Boston. He also has this mustache, like he just guzzled chocolate milk.

David starts. Want to know how sad I am? Not only do I recognize the background music, I actually remember it from a previous episode (Battle of the Seasons, the one where they spoof The Newlywed Game). His teammates shout, but he shushes them. He has trouble parking. "So at this stage," Leah interviews, "I definitely still have a good chance to win." David parks the cars, finishing at 10:01."Even if she gets everything in a row," he interviews of Leah, "she's not going to run faster than me." Leah: "Bottom line today is that I have to beat David's time."

After commercials, Leah starts off. She manages to park three cars before smacking into one with the fourth car for the disqualification. She interviews that David beat her and she's going to the Inferno. "CT," she adds, "I hope you're [bleeping] happy." She sits down, breathing hard and sobbing. Darrell comes by, pulls her up, and hugs her, telling her to keep her head held high. I know Darrell's a pain, but that was sweet of him... especially when compared to Mike. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Veronica's turn. Background music: "It's time to take out the trash!" Sadly, the trash is still on my screen. She interviews about shooting for a good time, but not to beat Timmy. She adds, "I don't know if everyone is on the same page." Cut to Kendal, sitting on Mike's lap. Good Lord! That anvil almost flattened you! Veronica finished at 13:07.

Darrell jumps around in the wig and teeth, talking about how he has to give "Mr. Mirra" his car back. He runs around, interviewing that he's on the same page as his teammates. He drives, he parks, and he gets Dave in the car, finishing at 17:56. He also demands a tip from Dave. Katie interviews that she's trying to give her team the benefit of the doubt, but she can't trust anybody.

Christena goes down the stairs, complaining about Dave's air horn blowing in her ear. She interviews that she can't drive a stick shift. "I'm learning to fly planes," she goes on, "but I can't fly stick." I'm curious: how many of you would walk off a plane if you found out Christena was the pilot? She continues having trouble. "I take a nap," Abram smirks, "I wake up, and she's five feet further then where she was." She clocks out at 18:05, actually crawling out through the window.

Holly's turn. She interviews about having problems backing up. Kendal interviews that she has a weird feeling about something going down. Holly finishes at 11:03. Since Leah got disqualified, Mike plans on having fun. He backs into a wall, getting a DQ himself.

Katie's turn. She interviews that she's not a good driver. "I know what I'm supposed to do in my head," she interviews, "but my feet don't like to listen." Holly shouts instructions to Katie, while Christena just smirks. And now it's time to hear another pearl of wisdom from Veronica. "There's not one thing that Katie does well. She is a very weak player, and she is holding us down" You've only lost $40,000! Get a grip! Damn, I hope Katie's feet listen when she kicks Veronica's butt. Katie clocks out at 17:07, and it's not looking good for her.

Syrus does some running and driving. He interviews that it's hard not to perform as well as he can. CT yells at Syrus to take a breath. Leah snipes that she knows what's going on. CT insists he's not being mean. "I don't want to be rude to her," he interviews. "She just didn't make the team. She got cut, and that's the game. That's what happens." Dummy, she's already ON the team! I feel bad for Boston-based Italian-Americans, since they have CT and Rob Mariano as representatives. Syrus clocks out at 15:11. Dave: "C'mon, sir, can I get my damn car?" Syrus: "You gonna speak like that, I will take your stereo." Syrus is basically the only person I like without condition at this point.

CT's turn. Once again, he reminds us that he's not trying to win. Leah yells for him to back into the wall for the DQ. "My feelings are very hurt," she interviews. "I just feel like CT's completely gotten the best of me." Speaking of CT, he finishes at 16:14.

Coral interviews that she's going for the Aztec Lifesaver in order to save Leah. The fan in me thinks this is a noble effort. The cynic figures that if she gets Leah off the hook, Leah will probably go into the final Inferno, since she might be seen as weaker than Coral. If Leah goes, Coral might automatically go into the Inferno, since it's the females' turn. Anyway, Coral runs herself ragged, finishing at 12:05.

Kendal runs and drives. She interviews that she's trying to be precise. Christena shouts that Kendal is beating Timmy's time. "I see Kendal doing good," Abram spits out in an interview. "I'm trying to [bleep] somebody else over, and somebody's [bleeping] me over." Poor Abram. Veronica can't believe this is happening. Kendal's time: 10:16. The RR team is distraught. Abram has his head down. Christena: "Kendal just messed up the whole team plan. I think Kendal just made a $150,000 mistake." Oh, kinda like how you gave Katie the heads-up in Don’t Yank My Chain? Shut up, Christena. Timmy mutters that it's his fault for getting the seatbelt penalty.

Dave announces the times. RW had an average of 16:34, while RR had 14:02. Yippee... RR wins again, bumping their total to $100,000. I'm so not liking them at the moment. Syrus interviews that drama is waiting to explode. Dave hands out Aztec Lifesavers to David and Kendal. To his credit, Timmy claps for Kendal. Veronica thought that everybody knew to give Timmy the AL. Dave reminds us that the AL can be used to save a player from the Inferno. "I feel like I've done really well," Kendal interviews, "and my team won't talk to me. That can't even be happy that I'm succeeding in a mission." The camera pans from Katie down to a crouched-down Kendal. "It makes you feel like dirt."

Villa. As Mike looks on, Darrell tells Kendal that the team didn't want to lose another guy before Katie. He interviews that everybody was supposed to go slower than Timmy, and Kendal didn't know. Gee, I didn't that the first 200 times it was explained to me. He tells Kendal that he doesn't want her to feel like anything is personal. "I don't think people hate me," she replies. "I don't think they're happy with me. I think they'd rather have a more competitive, not-nice person on the team." Is it wrong of me to immediately think of Rachel, Kendal's Campus Crawl castmate? Rachel is probably still picking bits of Sarah out of her teeth.

Cut to Kendal standing near Holly and Veronica. "I'm emotionally drained," Holly whines. "It's her fault that Tim's going to the Inferno. By using her Lifesaver, she can right that wrong. If she goes into the Inferno for Tim, she'll make up for the fact that she didn't throw the mission." Where to start? First of all, maybe you and your comrades should have gotten Kendal in the loop. Secondly, you should just admit you love Timmy, rather than take it out on Kendal. With that comment, Holly is now on my list. Her beating Trishelle in the Inferno means nothing to me now. Veronica and Christena flash dirty looks. Veronica: "I'm allowed to go off on her." Christena: "She made a huge mistake. She's not our best friend at this moment." Christena to the girls: "The bottom line is we all want to win, except for Kendal."

I have an announcement to make. Last year, I became so frustrated by a trio of players and their attempts to break Sarah, I dubbed them the Axis of Ass. Adam, Rachel and Veronica gained my hatred and loathing, and I didn't think the name would be used again. But I must. The new Axis of Ass consists of Veronica (do I have to explain?), Christena (shows as much decorum as Donell right now), Holly (who makes me sick to my stomach) and Abram (the classless knuckle-dragger of the team). Other RR members might have ticked me off, but those are the four main offenders. They made me like Katie, and for that they must be ridiculed into submission.

Day lapses to night. Kendal talks with Timmy, uncertain as to what she should do. Timmy tells her that she doesn't have to save him. Kendal thinks that she'll figure it out when she gets to the Inferno.

Time passes. Mike asks Kendal why she's going to the Inferno. Kendal denies it, interviewing that she hasn't made up her mind. Mike points out that she's dressed to compete. "Just in case," Kendal replies. This sets Mike off, as he rants about how her team didn't let her in on their plans. He interviews that she wants to make RR happy, and he told her that she has to make herself happy. "You think Veronica would do it?" he asks Kendal. "You think Katie would do it? You think any of the girls would do it?" He then threatens to throw a tantrum if she goes in. Kendal reminds us that her team would be pissed at her if she didn't go in. "I promised Mike that I won't put myself in the Inferno," she interviews. "It's not smart for me personally to go into the Inferno. I could be sent home." Mike and Kendal stare at each other.

Inferno site. Dave welcomes everybody to Brick By Brick. The object: walk across a plank, transferring bricks from one side to another. The player who transfers the most bricks in three and a half hours wins. Are you kidding me? Seriously, I want the name of whoever's coming up with this weak crap. Veronica laughs evilly, while Timmy just stares. Dave continues with exposition: if a player falls off the plank, drops a brick or breaks a brick, that's a disqualification.

Dave asks David who he'll send to the Inferno. Of course, David sends in Leah. Dave starts to asks Kendal if she'll take Timmy's place, but Mike interrupts, sputtering "Don't do it!" as a cough. Dave finishes asking his question. Mike: "They'll send you next week too, huh?" Of course they won't, Mike. They'll try and send in Katie. Do you even watch this show? Kendal mulls her choice. Mike mocks some more. Finally, Kendal decides to go in, much to her team's delight. Guys, it's walking and carrying stuff. Timmy could've done that, so don't act like Kendal's your long-lost best friend now. Kendal interviews that she's paying her dues and restoring faith. Does Mike share her sentiment? "I've been lied to by many women in my life," he snarls in an interview. "There's no reason why she's doing it. I hate when people lie."

As the players prepare for the mission, Leah interviews that she's excited that Kendal volunteered. Dave bangs his gong to get things started. Coral calmly cheers for Leah, while Mike swaggers with a glass in his hand. Draw your own conclusions. Kendal asks Mike why he's like a brick. Mike asks why. She laughs, "Because I want to lay ya!" Yeah, joke-telling is not Kendal's strong suit. Mike doesn't want to talk to her. He interviews, "This lie kinda touched a nerve, and it definitely was a wrong nerve to touch." Quick question: is there a right nerve to touch?

Mike keeps sniping, bitching about how he wants Leah to kick Kendal's ass. Veronica thinks that Mike has lost it. "I haven't lost it yet," Mike snipes. "You haven't seen lost, sweetheart." Shouldn't Coral be jumping on him now? The last time I saw this side of Mike, he was screaming at her, as she lay dying of a spider bite. Kendal: "Until now, he's brought me nothing but good times and fun. He's saying the most hurtful and personal things. Mike is a much, much better person than what he's displaying now." Mike's still shouting about the alleged lying and how nobody stands up for her. Fade to black. Mike: "When a girl lies to me, they will know about it, and everyone else in the whole [bleeping] world will know about it."

What did we learn today? Road Rules is a far worse team than last year's edition if you look past the fattened bank account. Darrell is a pain in the butt, but his heart's in the right place. I've officially burnt out on Boston-area reality show guys. And I was reminded that Mike is a gigantic tool. Seriously, I'm guessing that at the very least, his anger and resentment towards Trishelle and their break-up has bubbled up and exploded all over Kendal. I acknowledge that there are other possibilities for Mike's non-Miz tirades, but I don't want to spell them out here. Shut up, Mike.

Next time: Leah interviews that everybody is fighting. Katie tells Christena that she will knock her down. I would pay money to see that. Go Katie! Mike turns on Coral, saying she's afraid of the Inferno. At the event, Dave tells Coral and Veronica that this may be the last chance to stay in the game. Coral interviews that she needs the Aztec Lifesaver. Confused? So am I.

Man, I was cranky as fuck, wasn't I? I don't care that Veronica is back on The Challenge and not being the biggest pain in the ass around. Between the shit she pulled this season, along with The Gauntlet and Inferno II, I will not let go of the loathing for her anytime soon. Mike comes off as big a jerk in this episode. I know he's married now -- to Maryse, a fellow wrestler -- but I kinda hope she saw this season and saw Mike get his third Challenge girlfriend, followed by the crap he pulls in this Inferno. Then again, she probably didn't hold Mike dating Trishelle against him, so I think everything else fell into place.  Also, not like Mike fooled around with three girls in one season. I'm amazed that Cory Wharton's privates haven't been ground into powder by now.