He Says/She Says: Battle For The Battle Of The Sexes 2

I'm almost at the starting line. Please notice that I was full of hope going into the season. Well, maybe just not filled with dread. I was so foolish. So foolish.

Episode Aired: October 4, 2004

Recap Posted: October 11, 2004 (I was back to taking my time, which probably thrilled the site's boss to no end)

With a new Real World/Road Rules Challenge on the horizon, players past and present reflect on the original Battle of the Sexes and take a look at the upcoming season.

We start with scenes from the original Battle of the Sexes (BOTS1). The guys shout “Hoo-RAH!” The girls shout “VAGINAGINAGINAGINA!” More misty-colored memories of the way they were. Ellen gives Melissa lip, which is an action I wouldn’t recommend. Ruthie says, “I wouldn’t have imagined people getting ugly in character for $50,000.” Cut to Veronica. That was funny. Cut to the final mission. The guys struggle with the puzzle, while the gals struggle. [2018: I probably didn't mean to say "struggle" twice.] Mark voiceovers about taking a look at the girls’ puzzle. The guys dissembled the girl’s solution, solve their own puzzle, and end up winning. Ellen comments, “The boys totally cheated to win.”

Present day. Both teams arrive. We see various competition scenes. Mark says, “This war is not over!” Mark is wearing Mike’s latest “Miz” tee shirt. I think this might be the year I start hating Mark. Then there’s more competition followed by nightclub fun. Some guy is covered in leeches. Cardboard cutouts of Mark and Mike are blown up. Cameran says to the camera, “We’re gonna kick your ass, bitches!” There is a Wild West showdown with paintball guns. The title card reads, “Rematch of the Century.” That’s taking it a bit far.

After the title sequence, we go to Dan Renzi, two-time Challenger and star of BOTS1. His take on all of this is that, “Guys didn’t want to look bad, so they agreed to never argue on camera. Girls never made that agreement, so they look crazy!” Cut to the "Battle of the Opposite Sexes/Club Zero" debacle. It’s been two years, and I still get fatigued thinking about it. Short story - girls bicker amongst themselves.

Cut to Eric who is leading the team in a “Hoo-RAH!” chant. Hey, there’s Puck. Avert your eyes… it’s the only way to get by him. Dan adds that everybody wanted to play fair, but that changed when money got involved. Dan is joined by Ellen, one of BOTS1's heaviest hitters, who concurs with him. Cut to Jonny Moseley, who explains the Inner Circle - the top three scorers decide who goes home. Colin leads a discussion, concluding that they have to vote out the lowest scorer, “so there’s not any negative emotion in it.” Cut to Melissa who says, “I personally want to vote Julie off.” Yeah, I haven’t changed my mind about that decision, especially after Julie’s actions in The Inferno. Now we meet Ruthie, who has a huge sun tattoo on her upper arm. It really doesn’t flatter her. She says that it was “very black and white” to vote out the lowest scorer, and the girls didn’t do that. Next, there’s Mark (sitting next to Robin). He says that the scoreboard was up for everybody to see, and it was only fair to vote off the lowest score.

Ellen tells us that the two girls who pitted people against each other were Veronica and Emily. We flash back to Emily lowering the boom on Veronica, announcing her exit from the game. Emily tells the guys not to judge, then, since they’re not men. Ellen says that the reason for Emily’s hatred was that James (her boyfriend at the time) helped Veronica move, and they apparently hooked up. Back then, I despised Emily, but now, I’m wishing she’d come back to fix Veronica’s wagon. Funny world, huh? Now we meet Tonya, who is sitting next to Theo. Tonya claims that girls are emotional, and they voted on who was liked and disliked.

We flash back to the Inner Circle where Rachel got voted off. Ellen says, “I personally don’t trust her,” while Emily adds, “Those are the kind of girls that made my high school life completely wretched.” Once again, there’s a difference in opinion for me. Back then, I thought that was a load. Today, after seeing Rachel work over Sarah in The Gauntlet, I can see where Emily is coming from. But watching Ellen make the announcement still pains me. Mark says that the girls showed everybody that anybody was vulnerable and says, “They were playing scared and playing for themselves rather than as a team.” Ellen adds that she took the heat since she made the announcement. “I was like, ‘It’s nothing personal,’ but it really was,” she adds. “I really couldn’t think of anything else to say at the time.”

Cut to the girls looking stunned, and Puck and Shane getting ticked off. Ellen claims that she didn’t know the vote would get everybody so upset. “Rachel, it was entirely personal,” Dan snarks. “No one liked you!” Cut to Rachel giving her “this game is ug-lay!” rant. Good times. Fast forward to the final mission. Dan and Ellen agree that the guys cheated. We flashback to Colin disassembling the girls’ puzzle and relaying the information to Mark and Jamie. Mike (credited as “RW/RR Challenge Expert”) faults the girls for being dumb enough to leave their puzzle out. Ellen playfully bitches some more. Ruthie tells Shane that her team would have won had they knocked their puzzle down. Ellen says, “Boys cheat. Yeah, that’s you, Mark Long.”

As Mark begins his rebuttal, Robin is credited as “Wasn’t There, But Watched It on TV.” He says that wasn’t cheating, and that he told a producer that his team would knock their puzzle over if they completed it first, and the producer had liked the idea. Robin gives him grief that his team couldn’t figure things out on their own. “And we won by an hour!” Mark replies. “I already did my exit interview before the girls passed the finish line.” Katie (another “Expert” who wasn’t at BOTS1) tells Mike that she would have copied the puzzle and laughed about it afterwards. Robin feels that the girls have something to prove.

Cut to the present day, as two buses arrive in Santa Fe. Jonny Moseley welcomes them to Battle of the Sexes 2. Mark says that BOTS1 was easy, since scores were being kept. Jonny lays down exposition. After the teams find out about the mission, they appoint three of their own as team leaders. Theo picks it up. If the team wins, the leaders can pick off one person. Shane continues explaining that, if the team loses, its members can choose one of the leaders to go home. Amazing... I didn’t think anything could top the Gauntlet concept, but this comes close. It looks like an Apprentice knock-off, but it’s very crafty. Ruthie and Shane agree that there’s more strategy involved this time. Katie says, “Everybody is going to be kissing each other’s ass in order not to piss them off. It’s going to be this big fake house with nothing but brutal back stabbing.” Or as Veronica might call it, “Paradise.”

Going to commercials, we see three girls swing on a hammock which breaks and sends them tumbling. Then we see the guys pile into a golf cart and run Derrick over. Next comes a commercial with somebody that sounds like Tina: “I don’t want their nasty duke in where I’m gonna lay down! Oh, that’s it. I’m gonna urinate in your mouths when you’re sleeping!” In case you’re wondering what “duke” means, they cut to a toilet. Very nice.

More BOTS2 highlights: Mark breaks a stick across Eric’s leg. Players grab snakes. One guy attempts a bicycle stunt. The girls paddle. Theo bites into something nasty. Tonya says it’s a crazy Challenge. Theo: “It’s like all the kids have been eating crazy wafers.” While we absorb Theo’s witticism, we see brief clips of the players: Ace, Aneesa, Adam, Arissa, Brad, Cameran, Eric, Cynthia, Frank. Theo: “I’m serious, dude. It’s like everybody woke up one morning and put on crazy shorts.” Coral, Jacquese, Genesis, Mike, Robin, Randy, Ruthie, Steven, Tonya. “And just opened up the crazy door.” Angela, Abram, Ayanna, Chris, Ibis, Dan Setzler, Katie, Derrick, Kina. “And walk out of the crazy room.” Mark, Rachel, Nick, Sophia, Shane, Tina, Shawn, Veronica, Theo. Don’t ask me why they were presented in that order. Maybe that’s a method that suggests spoilers.

Ruthie looks forward to seeing the new kids. Mike thinks that veterans like himself would intimate the newbies, and that they might form an alliance to boot him out. Katie starts planning on bringing the novices to her side. Cut to the kids from RW: San Diego: Randy lifts weights. Cameran spurts out a “Whassup, bitch?” Brad stuffs his face. Robin tells Ruthie that something blows. Jacquese walks. Yeah, that’s not a good sign if you’re a Jacquese fan. Dan wonders if Brad has sobered up. Cut to Brad cussing out the camera. Dan moves on to Robin. She complains about a teammate to Mark. Ellen says it’s not just a matter of being athletic, because a lot of girls are not. Naturally, we cut to Katie. Nice. Katie thinks that Robin will be an asset, and she likes her bitchy attitude. Robin tells us she watched the other Challengers on their respective shows, and it freaks her out to be working with them.

In a clip, Cameran introduces herself to Coral. Cut to Cameran telling Robin that Coral doesn’t seem friendly. If you listen carefully, you can hear viewers roll their eyes in unison. “These people have been doing this stuff forever,” Robin tells Cameran, “and they just look at everybody as competition.” Shane thinks than Cameran will be trouble, and she might go home. Cut to Cameran slapping Mike in the nuts, just like she did with Brad back in San Diego. Dan figures she’ll make it halfway before getting the boot.

Brief spotlight on Brad and Randy during a mission. Shane thinks they’ve be competitive, but they could take money that he wants. He adds that they’re more physical than the cast from RW: Paris. On cue, we see Ace dancing and Adam pulling his pants down. Ruthie and Shane agree that Ace just wants a good time. Thankfully, we don’t see his short trip to the Inferno.

Tonya can’t read into the kids from RR: X-Treme. Join the club, honey. Kina calls Derrick a drunk. Theo: “It’s like they’ve been sharing DNA or something. Like they’ve been drinking each other’s bath water.” As we reel from Theo’s latest offering, we see Derrick. What is Derrick doing? Well, he’s walking around with a cigarette in one hand, a bottle in the other, and he’s following a frog around. No, really. Something tells me Chris will have to have another heart-to-heart with the boy. Shane thinks Derrick is amazing, but Tonya sees the new RR as easy to pick off.

Shane talks about the “old dogs,” Mark and Eric. Cut to Eric griping about the youngsters losing bodily functions while drinking. Good thing he never got the “Julie Experience.” “Mark and Eric are doing it again?” Dan laughs. “Get jobs!”

Katie thinks that some guys might not be as tough as they think, going so far as giving Mike a quick tap. She then tells Mike that she could beat him up. Okay, he is “The Miz” and all, but if she gets pissed off enough? I can totally see that happening. We cut to Mike and Coral at a bus depot, trash-talking each other. Theo figures it’s nice for those two to be on separate teams. At the very least, we can find out who is the better Challenger, since they’ve gone the distance three times already. Robin says she can’t trust Coral. Dan doesn’t think Coral is that scary. Cut to Coral rampaging: “I talk to people how I want! You’re not God here! So you can’t change me!” Ellen, whose conflict with Coral at the 2001 casting special is the stuff of legends, agrees with Dan, but adds that other people don’t want confrontation. Back to Coral: “You worry about your jump rope and yourself and that’s it!” The camera pans to Eric, as he argues with her. Not smart. Seriously, even if Coral is wrong, has there been somebody who has gone up against her in a Challenge and made it to the end?

Ayanna time! “I slept in my uniform last night,” she yells, half-crying, “because I wanted to win tonight!” Dan laughs, as Ellen claims that she loves her. Ayanna: “All I needed was eight of y’all to have! My! Back! All! I needed! Was eight!” Ellen thinks that if Ayanna can control her temper, she can win. Dan: “And maybe, in Alaska this year, it won’t snow!” I miss Dan. Why can’t he host the Challenges? Or get him to do commentary. Have his wear a blazer and interview contestants.

Katie admits that she hasn’t gotten along with some people. Of course, she means Veronica. Cut to Katie fighting her during The Gauntlet and the massive fit from The Inferno. I still get a kick out of Syrus laughing his head off nearby. Shane says that when he sees Katie and Veronica, one of them will go home. Dan wonders why people think Veronica will play fair. Cut to Veronica, top on but blurred down there, yelling for somebody to get away from her. Rachel tells her to get into the shower. I swear, if Abram is waiting in there, that could be it for me. Been there, done that, not going there again.

After commercials (including an ad with Coral’s rant), we go to a women’s conference, where Tina wants her peers to be honest about her going home. Robin expresses her need to stay away from drama so she doesn’t get voted off. Cut to her walking with Ruthie, unwilling to vote somebody off because that person didn’t do anything wrong. Dan says it’s good to add drama to the mix. Ruthie doesn’t like drama, but Shane does. Cut to Ruthie crying, while Coral and Veronica debate off-camera about her voting off a friend. Tonya: “Live entertainment, baby!” Theo: “Are you kidding? Every one of these kids is HDTV in action.”

Club shots. Mix-and-match dancing. Seriously ... Coral and Dan Setzler? What the heck? Shane figures it’s political to hook up to stay around longer. Dan Renzi adds that people hook up, then forget they’re playing a game. As a “veteran hook-upper,” Mike recommends not to do it. We get flashbacks of his times with Trishelle and Kendal. What about Tara from Battle of the Seasons?

Theo says that he looks at eighteen different women and equates that to 36 individual breasts. The funny thing: we cut to a mission, and the camera goes right to Sophia, whom Theo would have a really tough time sweet-talking. Shane notes there’s a lot of hot guys. Then we see what could be the best mission ever. It looks like a variation of Freeze Your Butt Off from BOTS1. The object seems to be to melt a huge chunk of ice. One guy lies on top on his back. Another lies directly on top of the guy. The others pull them back and forth, like a fleshy hacksaw. Oh, and Eric grinds on the ice with his butt. It’s just so out there, and a lot better than watching people sit around and get frostbite. Tonya feels that hook-ups breed possible conflict between women and possible me. Cut to Rachel on top of the ice, driving her behind back and forth. Honestly, I cannot wait to recap that episode.

Now we move onto Tonya. Apparently, she’s going to last a lot longer this season than in her prior tours of duty. Shane calls her a “typical American stereotype” with her blonde hair and great body. Cut to her kissing Ace. Katie thinks Tonya will be a party girl. Mike predicts lots of fun with guys. Cut to her in bed with Mark, followed by her dancing with Theo, then Mark. Shane and Ruthie bring up Arissa, but then remember that she’s married. They move on to Angela, whom they feel needs support. Cut to her on the cell phone, crying her eyes out. Hey, that could have been lifted from any X-Treme episode! Ruthie feels that Angela needs to find her “rock.” The ensuing clip shows us that Frank is destined to fill that role. I’ll go out on a limb and say that he just offers moral support. Shane: “She doesn’t feel good unless someone loves her. She’ll sleep with someone for that.” Angela’s got a messed-up history ... but Shane? Shut up.

Robin and Mark want Shane to hook up. Cut to him dancing it up with Nick. Man, Nick could do better. Shane gushes that he’s waited three years for another gay person. He adds, “I’m tired of these semi-questioning straight men fooling with my head!” Heh. I’m thinking that list would start with Antoine and work its way down. Let’s just say there have been a lot of question marks attached to some people. Theo says that the women flock to Shane because he’s a love. We get of shot of Shane kissing a girl. Mike: “I’m actually thinking of saying I’m gay on a show, just so I can have these hot girls all over me.” Mike? You’ve had three women on three different seasons! Man, that’s just plain greedy. Dan contemplates flipping his orientation, saying he’d go after Tonya, since he’s fascinated by her breasts..

Mark tells us that he’s recently divorced, and now options are open for him. Cut to him power-lifting a girl in the pool Theo feels he has to worry about teammates getting involved with the opposition. Mike tells Katie she should go in knowing she’ll lose. Cut to Tonya eating something nasty as Ayanna encourages her. “I am not going up against the guys,” Katie tells Mike. “I’m going against the [bleeps]!” Cut to Tina arguing with Tonya, threatening to call her out. Katie: “Battle of the [bleeps] is what I’m playing. You’re playin’ a while other game, honey!” Robin knows it’s not about going against the guys until the very end. Cut to Coral playfully shoving Arissa out of the door. Dan feels that the women can be more up front. Cut to Angela tells somebody that she wishes she could be more like that person, and Sophia telling her to open up.

Katie thinks that the girls have a chance. Mark figures the guys can win every mission. Katie hopes the final women’s team will have as much determination as she did going into the Inferno. Theo doesn’t think the process is that complicated. Cut to credits.

And that’s that. The first episode airs this Monday at 10 p.m., and reruns a few dozen times afterwards. I hope that you guys enjoy my recaps as much I enjoy writing them.

I missed Ellen. Really. And I didn't know how much Mark would let me down that season. Or Eric. And his jump rope. That damn jump rope. But you'll find out about that soon enough.

Battle of the Sexes 2: A Preview of the Women's Team

Posted on October 10, 2004

After losing to the guys in the first Battle of the Sexes, the women are out to settle the score. Will they send their best to beat the men, or will the ladies go 0-2?

In the original Battle of the Sexes, the women's team was fragmented with drama, and the final team (Ruthie Alcaide, Ellen Cho, and Lori Trespicio) ended up losing to the guys in the final mission. Today, the poster girls for unflattering female stereotypes are the Apex group from The Apprentice. The good news: this Challenge team is three times bigger than Apex, and only half as catty. The bad news: this Challenge team has Veronica.

Aneesa Ferreira (RW: Chicago)

Several months ago, ESPN.com focused on reality television. One writer listed the worst characters from the genre [July 2018: link defunct], and Aneesa was at the top of the list. Apparently, excessive nudity is the ultimate sin for some people. She beat out Omarosa, Jerri, Jon Dalton ... even folks like Puck, Emily, and Julie. I think that the nudity is funny, like you never know when she'll get naked next. For instance: remember when Ellen was crying about how Puck was going to kick her ass, and Aneesa just ambles in, holding her bare breasts? That was just so random, it broke up the seriousness of the situation.

In the last Battle of the Sexes, Aneesa made the first Inner Circle, then slid down the rankings. Her lone highlight was trying to convince Ruthie to throw a mission in order to get rid of Emily. It remains to be seen if Aneesa can top her first Challenge performance.

Angela (RR: X-Treme)

Quick question: why wasn't this big-time drama mama on Road Rules to begin with? We started off with three girls, all of whom looked alike. After Kina got voted off (more on that later), BMP shipped Angela in. She fought with her castmates and got cuddly with Patrick. Then Jillian came in to replace Ibis, and proceeded to steal Angela's thunder. From there, it was just a medley of yelling and tearful calls back home. Angela also came perilously close to blowing the final mission, almost costing her team their Handsome Reward.

I'd like to think that Angela might have taken the time between her season and the Challenge to assess her life and make a few changes. Then I saw her in a commercial. What was she doing? Lying in a hammock, crying on the cell phone. I might have given up hope on her, but you don't have to ... at least in terms of the Fantasy Challenge. Crying is worth ten points this season, so Angela is bound to be a gold mine.

Arissa Hill (RW: Las Vegas)

How could I tell Arissa from Irulan while watching their season? Simple: Irulan had the small nose piercing, and Arissa looked like a raccoon. Also, Arissa had the most dysfunctional family, complete with a trash-talking mother. Since then, she's gotten hitched and gone into the music business. She's a big question mark going into this Challenge.

Ayanna Mackins (RR: Semester at Sea)

Ayanna is crazy, but it's a good crazy. Looking past the time she beat up Christian for dropping a certain word that Norwegians should say during Extreme Challenge, I find her to be a nice character. For starters, she ripped Veronica's head off after the Verantula plagiarized Ayanna's paper. We also saw a softer side of Ayanna during Battle of the Sexes, when she got cuddly with David from RW: New Orleans.

Ayanna left on a bad note last time, as she got into a war of words with Anne during the Laser Tag mission, and ended up requesting to get voted out. I think that in the right environment, Ayanna can thrive . But with all the potential drama on her side of the field, can we last that long?

Cameran Eubanks (RW: San Diego)

What can I say about RW's latest ingénue? She's immature. She digs lunks like Brad. She likes punching Brad in the nuts. If the commercials are any indication, she'll be lusting after Mike since she slaps him in the nuts. Other than that? She doesn't leave much of an impression.

Coral Smith (RW: Back to New York)

There are two sides to Coral: On one hand, she hasn't achieved the glory days of Battle of the Seasons, where she teamed with Mike to wreck havoc on RR. She's been dead weight in many missions. Her friendship with Mike seems to be a millstone around his neck. She got bit by a spider in the final Gauntlet mission, which held her team back. After two losses, you'd think she would take the hint, and go to the Oxygen network to do a "Good Cop/Bad Cop" show with her roommate Melissa (current cast member of "Girls Behaving Badly" and my ideal Good Cop).

On the other hand? Coral loves to smack people around. Slappy Stephen gets in her face? Out he goes. Matt talks about how bad women are to get fake breasts? He's a goner. Trishelle steps up to her in two separate Challenges? Gone and gone. Fools jump up, Coral smacks them down, and with some of the best lines ever uttered (on Julie challenging her to wrestle: "I wear a 32DD bra. One boob alone could kick her ass!") And maybe that's why I like her: we're both player-haters, and I see a little of myself in her.

There is some bad news. Rumors are swirling that she is dating Abram. He is the ultimate fool, so how come she's coddling him? Either this is a sick rumor, the most elaborate practical joke ever conceived, or Coral just crossed the line. But she remains one of the most tenacious players in Challenge history. Whether she can outlast Mike may be the mark in which she'll be measured.

Cynthia Roberts (RW: Miami)

Where has this girl been? Cynthia was one of the funniest people in RW history, with her squeaky voice, long fingernails, and use of "hella" before words (e.g., "hellacool," "hellascared.") She took part in the first Challenge, Road Rules: All-Stars, back when it was just five former Real Worlders doing the RR bit. She got scared during a face-first rappel, and almost stalked off after she found out that she had eaten bugs for dinner. Think of her as an ancestor to Melissa: both funny ladies who freaked out during the more intense missions.

Cynthia is currently seeing her baby's father. I'm disappointed, only because she's off the market. We haven't seen her on the tube since the RW tenth anniversary special back in 2001. I'm not sure how far she can go, but hopefully we'll see her teach the new kids a thing or two about respect.

Genesis Moss (RW: Boston)

RW's first full-season lesbian, Genesis participated inBattle of the Sexes. She made the first Inner Circle, then faded over time. She was slated to go home twice, but she was saved by Shane giving her the Ion Lifesaver, and by Emily leaving the game with her boyfriend.

Ibis (RR: X-Treme)

I was finally able to tell Ibis apart from the other girls around the same time Kina was voted off. I have only one clear memory of Ibis: during the guard dog mission, she had grabbed a bone in front of a chained German Shepard and ran with it as Derrick occupied two other dogs. The catch? A fourth dog managed to tackle her and prevented her from reaching the finish line. That ranked up there with Amaya running from the midget wrestler in Challenge 2000.

I will say this about Ibis: she's honest. After she stumbled in a mission, forcing her team to lose yet again, she volunteered herself to go home. She was just another victim in BMP's insistence that voting makes RR more interesting.

Katie Doyle (RR: The Quest)

Let's see if I got this right. Katie goes into Inferno as the one person her team has to shed. Thanks to the format of that season, RW blocks every attempt to shove Katie into the Inferno. RR plots and schemes 24/7, shoving Katie into the line of fire. But she wins two Infernos, proceeds to bitch out Veronica (the biggest highlight of that season), and contemplates throwing the final mission before relenting and winning her share of a $230,000 reward. Here's my question: why is Katie back?

After watching the preview special, I still got a soft spot in my heart for Katie. Sure, she did kiss Veronica on the lips briefly during MTV's reality awards show. And she's still one of the biggest scrubs on either side until further notice. But Katie can go from zero to pissed off faster than most people ... and really, isn't that what matters here?

Kina Dean (RR: X_Treme)

How could I tell Kina apart from Jodi? Simple: Kina left the show, and Jodi didn't. Kina was booted in the dumbest way imaginable: unable to bring themselves to boot out one of their own by a vote, the five original cast members (with Nick exempt from the vote-off) picked names out of a hat. And Kina lost because her name was picked twice. If ever there was an example of the inanity of voting people off on RR, that was it.

Rachel Robinson (RR: Campus Crawl)

First, I hated Rachel during her season. Then came Battle of the Sexes, where she got screwed over by the Inner Circle. Ruthie wanted to keep Aneesa around, Ellen was chummy with Tonya, and Christina was Emily's henchwench. With the three lowest scorers passed over, the Circle went against Rachel, who insistence not to help out and perhaps break the rules during the Tree House mission ticked Ellen off. The announcement of the vote was a shocker, leading to Rachel's "This game is ug-lay!" rant. So what did she do during Gauntlet? Try to bully Sarah off the show the same way she had been bullied off. While Sarah ended up going to the Gauntlet five times, Rachel didn't perform much better, but her name wasn't brought up once. And there was her insinuation that Theo had been thinking with his penis after he bailed Sarah out of a date with the Gauntlet. Afterwards, she got into a threesome with Veronica and Abram. Whatever.

I don't think Rachel will last long, and it's not wishful thinking. Remember, this is the same woman who lost to Irulan in a wrestling match. Seriously ... Irulan, for crying out loud. It wouldn't even take somebody as nasty as Emily to boot out Rachel ... just somebody who looks past the muscles and sees a mighty underachiever.

Robin Hibbard (RW: San Diego)

Not much to say about Robin that hasn't been said, except that the whole "punch a Marine" thing was blown way out of proportion. She's feisty, she does a great Brad impression (as seen in the clips show), and can probably rumble with the boys. She was also a commentator on the preview special, so maybe she'll go the distance.

Ruthie Alcaide (RW: Hawaii)

Two years ago, I heard that Ruthie's was doing Battle of the Sexes. I thought to myself, "Half the people on the cast will put drinks in her hand, the other half will knock them out of her hand." She co-hosted the special with Jonny Moseley, and there were no highlights of her, so I thought she was toast. In the second mission, she hung by her legs longer than anybody else, checking her watch as she hung upside-down. As the guys traded the top position amongst themselves, Ruthie was the top points-scorer after thirteen of the fifteen missions. Sure, she let Emily run roughshod over the Inner Circle, but she had the biggest redemption of any Challenger out there.

Today, Ruthie is a favorite to go the distance. My biggest problem with her? Rumors that she hooked up with Steven. If it's true, then I gotta have a sit-down with her. Seriously ... who would find Steven attractive ... especially a lesbian such as her? Aside from that and a garish tattoo on her left shoulder, Ruthie is still the same ass-kicker we knew from two years ago.

Sophia Pasquis (RR: The Quest)

Want to know why Sophia was the last person on her season to be in a Challenge? Simple: 99 percent of her drama was that she was a lesbian and had yet to come out to her folks. Well, she did, and that's why she hasn't been around in the past three years. The funny thing is that we don't know where she rates in terms of the women on her season. There's a huge gap between scrubs like Katie & Jisela and an overachiever such as Ellen. With her mellow personality, it remains to be seen if Sophia can compete with the drama.

Tina Barta (RR: South Pacific)

I never thought I'd say this, but I like Tina. Back when she replaced Cara, she was bossy and noisy, cliquing up with Donell, bitching about every little thing and flirting with Dave to make Mary-Beth miserable. Then she showed up on Gauntlet. I laughed when she was crying during Snake Soup, but didn't feel any maliciousness when she got beat in the Gauntlet by Coral. She recently popped up during the X-Treme/South Pacific Face-Off, where she scored a first-round TKO on an overmatched Angela.

So why the change of heart? I've thought of Tina as "Discount Coral," a bossy bitch who enjoyed putting people down. With the rumors of a romance with Abram swirling around, Coral may be dead to me, so there's a vacumn that Tina can fill nicely.

Tonya Cooley (RW: Chicago)

Once upon a time, Tonya was the most hated member on her cast ... and she was alongside the likes of Cara and Kyle, so that's saying something. Tonya has done Battle of the Sexes and Gauntlet. Aside from becoming buddy-buddy with Ellen, she hasn't done anything remotely worthy of scorn. She's gotten praise from fellow cast members on their home pages. She's done charity work, and is working on getting her nursing degree. The down side? She got hurt in both Challenges, and she had to go home.

Judging from the preview special, this might be her breakout season. The weird thing is that she seems to be popular with the boys this time around. She kisses Ace, and dances with Theo and Mark. I haven't pegged Tonya into being in a relationship since the days of Walla Walla and Justin. At the very least, things should get interesting.

Veronica Portillo (RR: Semester at Sea)

In the past year, I have rained down all sorts of abuse on Veronica. Is there any bright side to her doing her sixth Challenge? First of all, she's probably so smart, it would take four people to do her job. And since she apparently doesn't have a full-time job, four people are employed when they might not have been. Veronica has done 54 missions in the Challenges going into the current edition, and that will rank as untouchable as Cy Young's 511 wins. If it wasn't for Veronica, where would we get the drama from?

Veronica stinks. She lies, she manipulates, she steals. She uses Emily's treatment of her (re: "The game played me, now I play the game") as an excuse to bully Sarah and Katie. Watching Katie go supernova on her was fun, but Veronica picked up yet another Challenge win. The good news? Since eliminations are guaranteed after every mission, the odds of the Verantula making it to the final mission are longer than before.

The full names: Angela Trimbur and Ibis Nieves. Then again, she came from Road Rules: X-Treme, one of the final nails in the casket for the series. And shit, I did not take a case like Johnny into account in regard to Veronica's mark. Basically, she set the bar pretty high, but those that would followed invented the "Fosbury Flop" equivalent, and now we got Johnny in his sixteenth Challenge. I think. I'd look it up, but then I'd get depressed all over again.

Battle of the Sexes 2: A Preview of the Men's Team

From October 8, 2004.

  

Eighteen male contestants line up for their shot at money and prizes. Will they repeat the success of the original Battle of the Sexes team, or wind up falling to the women?

In the last Battle of the Sexes, the men went 10-5 in missions, managed to vote out members with minimal drama, and put the best three players in the final mission: Mark Long, the inoffensive old-timer; Colin Mortensen, the self-styled "Ladies Man" who went through most of the missions with a bum ankle; and Jamie Murray, the bearded goofball who kicked ass and named sea urchins that were laid on his body during a mission. Those three were a good mix. Can the guys pull it off once again?

Abram Boise (RR: South Pacific)

Your name is Jillian. You are the latest addition to the cast of Road Rules: X-Treme. You fall into a sexual relationship with Patrick, but during a face-off against the kids from South Pacific, you find him dancing with Mary Beth. In a jealous fit, you feel the need to tango with somebody. But with who? It can't be Chris, since he's engaged. Dave? Nope, he's still with Cara, and she's five feet away from you. So you gravitate towards Abram, dancing sexily with him, leading him to gab about how much he loves eighteen-year-old girls such as yourself.

And that's why I hate Abram. Yeah, he got eliminated from The Gauntlet by Mike, but he got into a threesome with Rachel and Veronica. He took part in a scheme to get of Katie during The Inferno, throwing a mission and humiliating her in the process. Karma never touches him, because Lady Luck has her arms wrapped around him. I hear that he's involved with Coral, the Challenge's bad girl. Seriously, I can't say anything else, other than my hoping for an early elimination. On the bright side, he lost the Mohawk. That's something good about him, isn't it?

Ace Amerson (RW: Paris)

When I did the preview for The Inferno earlier this year, I had called Ace a phony for staying in Paris solely for the post-RW benefits. He lasted two missions, got dumped into the Inferno when Syrus managed to save himself, and ended up losing to Jeremy in Bug Helmet. I have to say that there's nothing phony about sticking his head in a box full of bugs for ten seconds before bailing out.

I'm a little more sympathetic this time. Back then, darn near everybody questioned his guts after his loss… including Coral, who had almost died from a spider bite in The Gauntlet. Ace just sulked, rather than asking his teammates to deal with the bugs themselves. This is his second chance. If he works hard, he will be rewarded. If he fails? There's always tending to all those bars he owns back home.

Adam King (RW: Paris)

Admit it, you can't believe he's here, either. You can see guys like Ace and CT going into a Challenge, since they're strong and rugged. In contrast, Adam appears to be a cross between two members of RW: New Orleans: David (since he can't rap) and Matt (since he can't dance).

I do feel Adam can be a tough guy. Remember, he stood up against a drunken CT, after the belligerent Bostonian had punched a guy. A sane person would've run, but Adam didn't. While he may not be the most imposing guy out there, I think Adam could be a sleeper on this show. At the very least, his awkward flirting might keep the girls entertained.

Brad Fiorenza (RW: San Diego)

My first impression of Brad? Seeing him ride his motorcycle in the first episode, I thought of him as "Rad Brad," a total meathead. He got into trouble with authority, going to the pokey at least twice. One time, he left jail… without his shoes… forced to hitchhike back to the house… so he could get ten minutes of sleep… before he picked his girlfriend up at the airport… while hung over. You can hear the high-fives of the casting department for bringing this guy into the fold.

I'll say this much: out of all the new kids, I think Brad will make the biggest impact. Outside of having a good time, he looks to be a stud on the battlefield. Heck, he could crack the final three and not surprise me. On the other hand, he could end up in a Santa Fe drunk tank, yelling for Jacquese to bail him out. I also wouldn't be surprised if "Free Brad!" T-shirts were made for the Challengers.

Chris Graebe (RR: South Pacific)

I didn't get too much of an impression of Chris the first time around. Out of the guys from South Pacific, you had the redneck (Abram), the snarky guy (Dave), the fat guy (Donell) and the eager-to-please newbie (Jeremy). Chris was the guy who had given his life to God years ago. Think Matt, only without the dorky dance moves and the inflammatory T-shirts. Chris was one of the people behind the lowest point of that season: the move to dump Cara instead of Donell. Not only did Donell stay on for three more episodes, Tina was brought in to stir things up even further, and the season went deeper into the abyss.

I can see Chris as a mentor on the guys' side. He won't drink and flirt like the others, since he's pious and engaged. Proof of this was his brief counseling session with Derrick in the last Road Rules face-off. Hopefully, Chris won't get a beating like the one he got from Derrick during the boxing match they had in Argentina.

Dan Setzler (RR: Northern Trail)

Believe it or not, there was a time when Road Rules didn't stink. Back then, it was all about the kids and their journeys, and not just about sponsor tie-ins and voting processes. And one of the best of the best was Dan. He was a stalwart on Northern Trail, perhaps the best season in the show's history. He came back during the next season, scoring the winning points for a RR All-Star Aussie Rules Football team against the Australia kids. He was a vital part of the successful RR team during Challenge 2000. He teamed up with ex-girlfriend Tara to last throughout Battle of the Seasons, making the final RR team and coming up just short on beating RW in the final mission.

If Dan doesn't make the final team, I will be shocked. If Dan starts trouble or feeds the ever-present drama, I will be shocked. When it was announced that Dan was doing this Challenge, many of my online friends rejoiced. As far as I'm concerned, Dan is the man, and it will take a lot to make me think otherwise.

Derrick Kosinski (RR: X-Treme)

Originally, I pegged Derrick to be the next Abram. He got drunk and punched a tree, he ran into another tree with the RV, and he had some difficulties with his teammates. But after he had a heart-to-heart talk with Chris, and Patrick stepped up as the resident jerk, I softened up on Derrick. He'll go far, since he's quite the scrapper.

Eric Nies (RW: New York)

Eric, Eric, Eric. What the heck are you still doing here? It's been twelve years since you broke out in RW's first season. Most of your cast mates have gone on to other things. You do stuff, then circle back and do a Challenge. It's not that I hate you, big guy, but if you do one more Challenge, people will start comparing you to Beth. And believe me, that's not a good thing.

Actually, maybe I'm being harsh on Eric. During Battle of the Sexes, he lasted twelve missions before bowing out. He might be the elder statesman on the team, but he's still got some gas in his tank.

Frank Roessler (RW: Las Vegas)

For me, it was hard picking out any bright spots from the Las Vegas season. With all the hooking up, all the drama, and the specter of Awesome Anne, it was hard. The only person I could barely relate to was Frank. To wit: in the beginning, he was infatuated with Trishelle, then watched in horror as Steven zoomed past him to snag her. Remember that? Those two make out, while Frank made the "gun to the head" gesture for the camera. Sure, he was just another tool boy in the tooliest season of all, but you felt for him.

I'm glad Frank is doing the Challenge, since he was the snarkiest person during his season. Remember when he said that Steven and Trishelle were "both as dumb as rocks" during their pregnancy scare? Sure, he wasn't harsh about it, but it was hysterical. Besides, even if he gets eliminated, he's working on his MBA and looking forward to bigger and better things.

Jacquese Smith (RW: San Diego)

Quick question to the casting department: where did you find this guy? When his roommates wanted to use Frankie's illness as an excuse to quit work, he balked. When Robin got arrested, he made the call to her folks. Jacquese mixed common sense with hilarious moments. Remember the "Free Brad" rallying cry? Or when he was mistaken for Nelly while in Greece, and decided to play along?

Sadly, I got a bad feeling Jacquese won't last long. Remember, this is the same guy who didn't know how to swim, and had to wear a lifejacket while on the boat. If the first few missions involve swimming, he might be toast, and we'll be worse off for it.

Mark Long (RR: Season One)

Like Eric, Mark is a certified old-timer, going all the way back to 1994, when he "auditioned" to fill Puck's place on RW: San Francisco. After getting passed over, he starred on the inaugural season of Road Rules. Since then, he's popped up from time to time, winning two Challenges and co-hosting a third with Eric.

Mark is the only member of the winning team from Battle of the Sexes to come back for this season. He didn't win a mission on his own, but managed the top overall score. But with a new system, can he corral the younger studs into leading him to victory for a third time?

Mike Mizanin (RW: Back to New York)

Life can be tough for "The Miz." Two years removed from his glory on Battle of the Seasons, he made two attempts to dominate. Sure, he did win two showdowns, defeating Abram in the Gauntlet and Jeremy in the Inferno, but he got overshadowed by the like of Alton and CT. Sure, he hooked up with Trishelle and Kendal, but neither relationship worked beyond the Challenge. Sure, he was reunited with his good friend Coral, but their relationship was strained, to the point where he helped in efforts to throw her into a showdown.

As he slips on his latest "Miz" shirt and packs some more for his friends, he has to wonder: has the game passed him by? Worse, thank to this season's format, he is on a team with established Road Rulers such as Dan, Mark, and Theo, guys who might not see him as a field leader. He's lasted through three entire Challenges, can he make it four?

Nick (RR: X-Treme)

Not much to say about Nick. He was brought in to replace Danny after the team failed two missions. He wasn't welcomed warmly by the team, since they liked Danny, and only dismissed him after he couldn't eat cow parts in a mission. All I remember is Nick trying to do the missions, and his new peers (particularly Patrick) grousing about how Nick had to step up. He won't have to worry about that… unless he screws things up for the guys.

Randy Barry (RW: San Diego)

Randy rounds out the trio of San Diego guys (Charlie who?). He came off as the most likable guy after Jacquese, even if he did seem glazed half the time. I put him just below Theo in the "Guys Who Say Random Things" department - remember, "Boom, Bazooka Joe"? I don't see him lasting too long, but I do see myself getting bummed out once he leaves.

Shane Landrum (RR: Campus Crawl)

I used to like Shane. He was snarky during his season. He shown up the ladies team during Battle of the Sexes after their Inner Circle dumped Rachel. After contemplating leaving, he was encouraged by Genesis to stay. When he won the Ion Lifesaver, he gave it to her, saving her for that round.

So what happened? He became a little punk during Inferno. After getting sent into the Inferno, he liked his chances against David, saying that the RW: Seattle veteran wasn't "fearsome or competitive." Imagine his surprise when CT saved his best buddy, taking David's place. Shane ended up puking his guts out, getting eliminated from the game. Adding insult to injury, he was the final Roadie to go home, as his teammates swept the remaining Infernos and won the big money. If Shane wants redemption, he'd better get out his A-game ready.

Shawn Sealy (RR: Semester at Sea)

I have no idea who this guy is. I didn't see the entire season of Semester at Sea. I didn't get that much information about him from the casting special, save that he went to the University of North Carolina. He was a co-host in the 2000 casting special, and he briefly met Ayanna during Extreme Challenge.

I know this much: it's always a treat when BMP goes after "normal" people. Seriously, did anybody remember Shawn until today? According to MTV.com, he is engaged and is employed as a web designer. He could also serve as a stable yin to Ayanna's unpredictable yang.

Steven Hill (RW: Las Vegas)

There's this show on MTV called One Bad Trip. The original premise: Some sucker goes out and gets wild in exotic locales, while family members and/or loved ones put on disguises, observe the wild behavior, then totally bust the sucker. This season, the producers twisted things around: the mark now knows of the presence of the spies, and pretends to be wild in order to bust them on their snooping. In the first episode with the new format, a girl convinced her mother and her boyfriend that she was going to run away on vacation… with Steven. My favorite moment: the boyfriend discretely chucking ice cubes at Steven in total disgust. And even though everything turned out okay in the end, who could blame the guy?

To me, Steven was one of the worst aspects of the worst season ever. He fooled around with Trishelle and almost got her pregnant. He overreacted when Brynn chucked a fork at him, demanding she get booted off the show. He took a one-time RW finalist and her friend back to the suite with him, and let them handcuff him to the hot tub railing. Did I mention that the girls were Raquel and Rachel from Road Rules: Campus Crawl? And that they played Steven in order to win money? After the good bits with Sarah, that was my favorite moment from that season: Steven calling Raquel's name, as the girls rip off the phone and go giggling off into the Vegas night.

Steven could last a long time on the Challenge. During the RW/RR faceoff, he faced Darrell in a wrestling match, locking himself up to force a tie and pissing off RR's resident powerhouse. Also, remember what I said about how Lady Luck cozies up to Abram? Well, she hangs out with Steven a lot; according to MTV.com, he hooked up with Ruthie. That's right… he hooked up with a lesbian. Like his ego couldn't get bigger at this point. On the other hand, I don't think I can raise my hatred for him higher than I did for Trishelle last year.

Theo Vonkurnatowski (RR: Maximum Velocity Tour)

Ah, Theo. My favorite swamp rat. Last year, Theo was the top performer on the RR side. Unlike Adam and his "vote off all the girls" mindset, Theo was a little more compassionate. At one point, the team was deadlocked on whether to send Abram or Sarah to the Gauntlet. Theo had the Freshlook Eyesaver, which not only saved him from being voted into the Gauntlet, but also gave him the tie-breaking vote. After seeing Sarah get shoved to the doom four times, Theo decided to send Abram in. It turned out to be a bad move, as Abram got knocked out by Mike, and Rachel and Veronica sniped about how Theo was thinking with his privates, even though we damn well knew Sarah had a boyfriend and Theo is a gentleman most of the time. Point is, Theo is human.

Beyond the mostly hit-or-miss jokes (I hear he's a very mediocre comic), Theo has game. He was one of the top performers during Battle of the Seasons, and he repeated the success in Gauntlet. Even with old-timers like Mark and Dan around, and an obvious rival in Mike wandering about (they're 1-1 against each other), I consider Theo to be a favorite to make the final team.

Coming soon, a preview of the women's team.

For anybody who cares, the kid from Road Rules: X-Treme is Nick Haggart. Seriously, I used to be so happy to work on finding last names. Now, I just use Wikipedia. When that one asshole from Reality News Online took over my beat, he ripped on my need to do that. Awesome guy, right?