Sunday, May 09, 2021

The Challenge: All Stars Episode 1: Monsters' Ball

                Given that four episodes of The Challenge: All Stars have aired as I start writing this, I should get these recaps out of my system. I’m going to try and make things shorter and punchier, as opposed to my detailed recaps from long ago.

Episode 1: “Legends Never Die"

Release Date: April 1, 2021


                Mark Long had a dream. A cast member of the original Road Rules and a veteran of The Challenge, Mark had been pushing for an “O.G.” version of the series for years . . . a season which would bring in players that haven’t been on the show in a while. That would include Mark himself, 49-years-old, yet fit as hell and capable of facing modern-day Challengers . . . even the ones that are half his age.

                 Cut to today, where Bunim-Murray Productions brings in “the best of the best” to compete. Well, more like a mix of legends and those you would never put on THAT level. Casting decisions would have been a pain even without quarantine protocols. Also, it’s on Paramount+, as opposed to MTV. So now, I am paying for a subscription service that I’m barely going to use, and where I’m not really interested in any other exclusive content. Bottom line: I am a dummy. Anyway, this is The Challenge: All Stars!

                I don’t know why there’s no hyphen in “All Stars.” I’m probably the only person wondering about that.

                Welcome to Argentina! Not that you’re told. Twenty-two past players (including Aneesa and Darrell, both of whom fell short in the recently filmed Double Agents) are dropped off. For the most part, we get a mix of introductions and old highlights. Also, there’s Jisela falling down the bus steps and laughing about it. Given that she lasted only four missions in each of the three seasons she competed (including Battle of the Sexes and Gauntlet 2), I am not expecting much from her. She’s also a mother these days. A lot of these people have kids, and it’s always a little unnerving when I hear about that, even if that involves people who weren’t irritating back in the day.

                 Everyone steps to a nice clearing, where they are greeted by TJ Lavin. Teege’s listed title is “Host,” which works better than “Handler” during Double Agents. (Short story: season with a spy motif. Great on paper, lacking in results.) He does the usual introductory spiel: “You all are the best of the best. The legends . . .  the all-stars of this game.” He does this with a straight face, not discounting folks like Laterrian (three seasons, one completed), Yes (last seen in Battle of the Sexes in 2003), and Jemmye, Jonna and KellyAnne (players that stretch the definition of “old school” is pushing it). In the end, there will be one player going home with $500,000. Originally, I thought that seemed disappointing, given the touted $1 million on Double Agents, but it was split where the two winners (CT and Amber) got $450K apiece.

                The players go nuts as they explore where they’ll be living. It’s the usual swank house, but it could double as a museum. Gold-colored helmets adore the wall, each with a player’s name on them; Crests indicating all past Challenge seasons; and memorable quotes emblazoned on the walls. One example: “I don’t kiss ass I kick ass and if you don’t watch it, I’ll kick your ass.” This was uttered by Beth back in Gauntlet III. If you’ve never read my recaps, just know that she’s a pain in the ass, and she doesn’t seem to have changed. She does have a husband and two kids. That doesn’t offend me much. Stephen Miller finding someone as heinous as him while I’m single really pisses me off. Although she’s married, she can’t resist calling out to her kinda/sorta showmance from The Duel, Nehemiah. Her nickname for him: “Tenderoni.” Nehemiah looks embarrassed, as well he should.

  

FORESHADOWING ALERT

                 Ace (the country boy who probably got less out of his stay in Paris than even young thug CT) notes that is curious about “how much evil” will come out for competing for $500K, noting “Back in my day, the stakes weren’t as high. These people before could kill each other for a scooter. I don’t know what they’re gonna do for half-a-million dollars.” Elsewhere, Laterrian shoots the shit with Syrus and Nehemiah. “I’m here for redemption,” he interviews. “I’m not here to lose. I’m not here to go home. I’m here to bust ass and win.”

  

MISSION

 Name: Deep Blue Dive

The Deal: Two teams of eleven chosen at random swim out and dive down to retrieve puzzle pieces. Each piece has numbers on them. There is a platform with math equations. (Example: “247 ÷ 19 = __”) Players need to figure out what number they need, then swim out to retrieve the pieces with the matching number.

Goal: Complete the lengthy equation given. Any wrong answers and failed attempts to get the pieces result in five-minute penalties.

Additional: TJ instructs each team to pick one male and female captain. Winning captains will get power. The captains on the losing team? “Well, let’s just say don’t lose,” he snarks. Teege loves lots of things. Being vague about the rules is one of them.

 

                Given that we’re not told the members of each team, the mission gets confusing. Here’s how things shook out. Captains are in bold.

 

Copper

Silver

Ace

Arissa

Alton

Beth

Aneesa

Big Easy

Derrick

Darrell

Jonna

Jemmye

Katie

Jisela

KellyAnne

Kendal

Laterrian

Nehemiah

Mark

Teck

Ruthie

Trishelle

Syrus

Yes

 

HIGHLIGHTS

  • Yes takes the lead on the equations for Silver. Turns out he was a state math champion. Also, he last appeared on the show in 2003 (here’s my recap of his final episode), and he doesn’t look like he aged at all. Also, "Yes" is really his name. His parents were fans of the band with that name.
  • Alton gets the first piece for Copper. In an interview, Aneesa barely keeps from drooling over him. I can’t blame her.
  • Beth is the first on Silver to swim out . . . and she winds up coming back, barely doing a backstroke. The funny part is that it looks like what Lolo Jones did during Double Agents . . .  which is sad when you remember that Lolo is an Olympic athlete, something she brought up in many, many interviews.
  • Darrell tags in for Beth, and he delivers a piece for Silver. Bad news: it’s a copper-colored piece.
  • Trishelle wades into the water, make a “fuck it” gesture, then heads back to shore. “What the hell?” she asks us. “I thought we were gonna be hanging out, having a good time, having cocktails by the pool. But no, this is a real challenge.”
  • Jisela declares that she’s going into “Mommy Mode” . . . and she brings back a puzzle piece. For real. Once again: my expectations for her in missions was low. She might be one helluva mommy.
  • As Jisela recovers, Arissa goes out . . . and she stops almost immediately. “I feel my body reject this,” she interviews. “I’m feeling this cramp from my stomach to my groin.” Given how she looks like she looks as skinny as she did in Battle of the Sexes 2, this is not surprising.
  • Montage of failure. “Welcome to The Challenge: Senior Edition!” Teck laughs in an interview, as players keep coming back to land empty-handed. “Today looks like recess at the old folks’ home! We got the medics out here. We got the walkers out, we got the wheelchairs out. A lot of old people are going own today . . . myself included!” I don’t associate Teck with seriously competition (or musculature), but it’s good to see him again.
  • Big Easy dives down to get a piece, but he needs a lifeguard to row him back to land. While he has lost weight from his Challenge days, this isn’t a good sign for the guy who almost keeled over in Gauntlet III.
  • Mark interviews about trying to look cool even though the pieces are heavy. “I’m having flashbacks of Florida, maybe running on the beach Baywatch style. But I’m totally out of breath, so I probably look like an idiot.”
  •  Laterrian goes out and cramps up in the water. “I look like a fucking punk,” he interviews, rolling his eyes. “I’m not 23 doing this. I’m 43 doing this, and I’d like to live to see 53!”
  • After we see Aneesa and Darrell fail, Jisela goes back out and gets another piece. I am genuinely stunned. I’m thinking there’s a monkey’s paw out there with at least one finger folded down.
  • Silver picks up the pace, mostly thanks to Nehemiah and Yes. Over on Copper, Laterrian is already dreading how he’s going to be affected since he’s one of the team’s captains.
  • Silver gets all their pieces into the platform, with Yes leading them in solving the lengthy equation. He writes in the final answer. TJ blows his airhor to end the mssion.


                Naturally, there’s a huge celebration on the Silver side. Easy: “FUCK! YES! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!” Thank goodness Paramount+ comes with closed captioning. Nehemiah and Teck engage in sweet dancing for the cameras. “My kids are gonna flip!” Jisela interviews. “The way I did it, I even surprised myself.” I think she surprised everyone.

 

AFTERMATH


                TJ congratulations the Silver team, singling out Yes and Jisela. Over on Copper, KellyAnn and Laterrian hug in anticipation of getting screwed. Teege announces that captains Teck and Jisela are safe from going into elimination. In addition, Jisela is awarded a Lifesaver, giving her the power to bail out someone who has been nominated for elimination. And then TJ drops the hammer: a men’s elimination is coming up, and Laterrian will be going into it. He orders the players to select one guy (from either team) to face Laterrian.

 

                The players return to the house. Laterrian has a heart-to-heart with Syrus. Turns out that he wants to face Ace, mostly because he’s only known him for about 24 hours. Laterrian interviews that he doesn’t want to be the first one gone.

 

DELIBERATION

 

                The players solemnly walk into the clearing from the start of the episode. Back at the house, the team captains are kept out of the meeting. Darrell starts by congratulating everyone for performing in the mission, singling out Yes by saying “Thank God we had a mathlete.” I don’t think anyone has uttered those words in that order on reality television

                Syrus cuts to the chase, putting Ace’s name out for nomination. Clearly not happy, Ace asks if that is how deliberations will be done. “They pass it off as being noble,” he interviews, “but they’re not noble. They’re monsters.” Aneesa notes that they’re just talking. Ace: “You guys are fuckin’ monsters!” Really, Ace? Have you seen the most recent seasons? If Turbo was there, I’d given Ace a pass. Turbo is probably second cousins with the Minotaur.

                Mark interjects. Given how this edition of The Challenge is his baby, I’m thinking he’s probably practiced making speeches in front of the mirror. He figures that if someone going into elimination wants a certain opponent “if they’re passionate about it,” they should get it. Beth interviews that her heart is breaking because she loves Ace, but no one wants to rock the boat.

                Ace continues to rant about the “monsters.” Cut to Darrell cringing. “Ace, Ace, Ace,” he interviews. It’s always fun when he has to say a name three times. “Callin’ us monsters and shit? Man, it’s the fuckin’ game, man! Take your ass to elimination! Somebody gotta go in.

                Eventually, Ace calms down, and the others formally vote for him. Well, not Arissa; she interviews that she’s more “empathic and zen” these days, and it hurts her to see Ace like that. Beth gives Ace “positive vibes.” Ace reveals that he had a crush on Beth in 1993, when she was on The Real World. Me? I turn into Ben Affleck’s Batman, screaming, “WHY?!? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!?” Everyone there gets a good laugh. “In past Challenges,” Ace tells us, “I have always done what I believe is right, but it turns out the monsters just always seem to win. Maybe it’s because there’s not enough heroes to slay ‘em. But there’s only so much of me.” He laughs at the end. That was such a corny speech from him, and he knows it.

 

                House. Laterrian finds out that his wish has been granted. Ace lays on his bed. He interviews that he knows he’s not supposed to take it personally, but he feels the others ganged up on him.

 

PARTY!!!!!!

 

                Ain’t no party like a Challenge party! Katie yells about checking IDs. Turns out it’s 40 years and older tonight. The editors get in on the fun with a “NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL A 90S PARTY” graphic. Drinking? Check. Dancing? Check. Merriment? Check. With most of the players not being hardcore veterans, there’s less of an atmosphere where anyone could hook up with anyone else. “This is what we used to do,” Aneesa interviews. “This is what we came here for.” The only real misstep comes when Ace wraps his head up like a medieval serf. Why did he do that? “I thought you said 1890’s!” he tells the partygoers. It’s a cute idea, but it doesn’t quite stick the landing. Still funny, though. More dancing. One of the women dances on the table. I can’t tell who that is, but the word “DAMN!” comes to mind. Ace interviews that he’s never been able to hold a grudge. He likes the “memories and friendships,” and that’s why he needs to stay in the game. More dancing. More partying. Fun, fun, fun!

                Cut to sunrise. Bodies lay limply on couches A few players have coffee and exercise. For some of these people, they’re paying the price from the previous night. Jisela interviews that she can’t party like a kid anymore. Meanwhile Laterrian talks to Syrus about the impending match with Ace. He interviews that $500K is at stake for him, as well as his reputation, his ego and his pride. He adds that hasn’t done The Challenge in eighteen years, and he doesn’t want to be the first person gone. Meanwhile, I’m checking for grey hairs. The Gauntlet was that long ago? Holy shit. Laterrian figures he’ll “Derrick Henry the motherfucker.” He doesn’t specify if he means the running back for the Tennessee Titans or the guy from Are You the One? that’s competed in two Challenges. Probably the running back.

                Elsewhere, Ace is washing himself in . . . I want to say a lake. It could be a puddle. He interviews that he can’t expect to win the $500K without going through someone. “I really want to win this, and not for myself,” he adds. “I want to win this money so I can give it all away and try to make the world a better place.” Good for him! Maybe he’ll go back to Paris and make it rain with the strippers like back in the day. Like I said: CT probably got more out of his stay there than Ace.

 

ELIMINATION

 

                Night. TJ welcomes everyone to the Arena, which will host the eliminations. I’m good with that. “Crater” from Double Agents was pushing it. “Killing Floor” from War of the Worlds? Yeesh. Teege calls down Laterrian and Ace. He asks Jisela if she would use her Lifesaver to bail out Ace. She tells us about remembering the episode (Gauntlet 2) where he said she was dead weight. Sure enough, we flash back to that moment, with Ace interviewing, “I think Jisela kind of dead weight for our team. I’m kind of glad she’s bowing out right now.” Cut to present-day Jisela: “Who’s dead weight now?” I’m not a huge fan of Ace, but back in Gauntlet 2? Jisela was dead weight. Like I said: she did three seasons and only competed in four missions each time. Ace wound up staying on the Veterans’ team for three more mission before getting beat in the Gauntlet by Derrick. Basically, Jisela holding a grudge for this long is great for this moment.

                 Back to the Arena. TJ asks Jisela if she wants to save Ace. “NO,” she flatly replies. Okay, then.

Player

Elim. Record

Last Elimination

Clyde "Ace" Amerson

0-2

Lost to Derrick in Beach Brawl (Gauntlet 2)

Laterrian Wallace

0-1

Lost to Alton in Pole Climb (The Gauntlet)

                TJ announces that Laterrian and Ace will be playing “a good old-fashioned Pole Wrestle.” Ace is dismayed. Laterrian: “What’s a Pole Wrestle?” Really, man? You didn’t study the series from when you last appeared? Or maybe he knows and is just being a fun dick about it.

                Rewind effects takes us back to Pole Wrestles past: Mark vs. Johnny Bananas and Robin vs. Camila in Battle of the Exes (2012), Darrell vs. Zach in Invasion of the Champions, and Derrick vs. Wes in The Duel (2006), along with the first Pole Wrestle elimination, pitting Aneesa and Paula. Good times. Good, very violent times.

                My original plan was to go over the rules with bullet points like I did with the mission, but there isn’t much to say. Both guys hold a pole and try to wrestle it away from each other (“by any means necessary,” Teege notes) inside a dirt circle. That’s it. First guy with two wins stays in the game, loser goes home. “Tonight is Pole Wrestle,” Ace tells us, his situation sinking inside his mind like a lead weight. “Fuck you guys!” he laughs. Jemmye interviews that she hasn’t seen Laterrian smile since she’s gotten to the house, but now he looks like he just won the lottery. Sure enough, there he is laughing at the impending physical elimination. Laterrian interview that he was “awful” in his last elimination. To be fair, that involved climbing a pole alongside Alton, and Alton could have done thing without using his legs. “I need to step the hell up,” Laterrian adds, slapping his palm for emphasis.

                The guys get suited up. The others start getting hyped. One girl yells out, “Kill each other!” After the appropriate amount of time to raise the tension, TJ blows his airhorn. Immediately, both guys slam into the dirt, dust rising as they try to take the pole. “When I see Ace and LT hit the ground,” Yes interviews, “all of the hair on my arms stands up because I know this is real.” More writhing. Yes: “We got half-a-million dollars on the line and they’re out there giving it their all.”

                 Soon, Laterrian stands up and slams Ace to the ground – hard – before swiping the pole. As the audience cheers, TJ reminds both combatants that Laterrian will win if he takes the pole again. “DIG DEEP!” TJ shouts, blowing the airhorn.

                What happens next is . . . brutal. Not “Someone goes to the Medical Place” brutal, but still tough to watch. Laterrian stands over Ace and repeatedly slams him to the ground. “Ace looks like he’s being plunged into a toilet,” Aneesa interviews. “Literally. Plunging. Kendal turns to me she goes, ‘Is it always this brutal?’ I’m like, ‘This is exactly what I’m gonna do to you!’” Poor Kendal. Given that her only experience in a win-or-go home game was moving bricks while walking on a plank (yes, really), I wouldn’t have blamed her for fainting on the spot.

                Meanwhile, Ace does not let go of the pole. Or maybe the brain cells that are supposed to tell him to do that are out of order. Slow-motion shot of Laterrian slamming Ace yet again. Playing referee, TJ reminds them to stay in the circle. Finally, mercifully, Laterrian yanks the pole for the win. Once again, Ace is the first one out of the game. At least nobody will be questioning his guts like when he bailed out of Bug Helmet in The Inferno after ten seconds.

                Laterrian basks in the win, with Syrus shouting at him. Laterrian does a field interview, happy that he got redemption from the last time he was on The Challenge. The guys do a quick shake-and-light-hug. “This has been rough,” Ace interviews. Replay of Laterrian slamming him to the ground. “When I was hitting the ground, it’s like I getting the air knocked out of you every single time.” Looking at the replay, I can believe it. “Losing again is upsetting,” he continues, “but it’s life, right?”

                Denouement. TJ is impressed that the seasons has started this way. He congratulates Laterrian for his win, telling him to rejoin the group. TJ turns to Ace, calling him “an O.G. legend.” After a beating like that, that’s a nice consolation prize. Yadda yadda, “This ends your time on The Challenge.” Teege doesn’t throw in something like “I’m sure to see you again,” which is something he drops after eliminations, so I’m thinking Ace isn’t coming back. Ace thanks everyone, they cheer for him and chant his name. “This has been the honor of my life,” he interviews. I do not consider that to be sad. I’m probably going soft. “Getting another chance to see these people after fifteen year was worth getting the crap kicked out of me, so it was great. But I’m . . . looking forward seeing my dog.” The music stops. “Who I miss very much.” Awwwww. No word whether the dog wants to see Ace, though.

                 TJ wraps things up. “Volume’s turned up a little bit,” he says to the players. No kidding, Teege. “I’ll see you guys real soon.” As the players walk home, Darrell gets the final interview. “Everybody is shaken,” he says. “The game has changed. It ain’t the same like it used to be After seeing Laterrian whup Ace’s ass, everyone in the house is like, ‘Damn!’ Welcome back to The Challenge!”

                Given how this recap is past relevancy (fifth episode will be streaming this evening as I type this), I’ll be brief with the show’s teaser, especially since I’ve watched how these bits played. Katie shouts at Trishelle about knowing her sixteen years ago. Aneesa to Darrell: “I’ve known you since I was fuckin’ twenty.” Shots of competition and Arena matches. Beth voiceover: “We all kind of went back to who we were twenty years ago. It’s scary.” Shot of two players trying to melt ice by using another player like a saw. Ah, yes. One of the few good memories I have from Battle of the Sexes 2. Someone drops from a rope into water. More action. More drama. TJ’s on a motorboat. Laterrian and Syrus have a conversation. Nehemiah is in bed with Jemmye. Players hauling a long log. Laterrian yells out in apparent frustration. Kendal lays on the ground.

                Arissa flips off someone, all, “So fuck you!” I’m pretending to not see the story behind that. Aneesa: “I really, really hope that good people fucking win, finally.” Not sure what that says about CT and Amber after their $900K win in Double Agents. More action. Mission set on a moving truck. It looks like something from Double Agents. Two players (Nicole and Liv) had to go home due to injuries. So, yeah, get the old-timers on the truck! Finally, there’s TJ. “You’re just quitting? All right. Don’t take care [blows airhorn], hope to see you never.” Is it wrong to think TJ would want to put those lines on t-shirts? “Man, that’s some bullshit,” he mutters. One episode down, eight to go!

 

MISCELLANOUS

  • ·         Lots of differences between streaming and basic cable. For one thing, cursing isn’t bleeped. That’s a bit jarring at first. I don’t think it applies to flashbacks; when we got the flashback to The Inferno where Katie almost murdered Veronica, her curses are removed. And there was a LOT of cursing. Good times.
  • ·         I like the flashbacks. I get the sense that we could see anything from past seasons pop up, including stuff that’s not readily available for view via streaming, such as the stuff I covered in my recaps. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I wound up painting on caves, because those seasons were that long ago. During Mark’s intro, they went to All-Star Challenge, the second season of the franchise. I actually recognized Neil Forrester. He was the guy from RW: London who got his tongue bitten off.
  • ·         Bunim-Murray Productions has upped their soundtrack game in recent seasons of The Challenge, and the songs used are pretty choice. I will say that Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys Are Back In Town” is a bit too obvious, in that it could be used at the start of any season. I’m waiting for them to haul out “Princes of the Universe” by Queen. Given how most of the current crop of Challengers think they’re immortal already, I think it’d be a great fit.
  • ·         I cannot stress enough how amazing the house looks. In addition to the stuff I mentioned, you can see pictures on the wall . . . and if you look closer, you’ll see that someone sketched out great moments in Challenge history. I honestly feel this house could be converted into a museum for the diehard fans. Maybe MTV and/or Paramount+ can give us a tour. I don’t think that will happen, though.·  
  • ·         If you’re wondering about the time penalties . . . you’re probably me. For the record, each team had seven penalties, so they canceled each other out. That is if you believe the editing.
  • ·         In Battle of the Sexes, Laterrian was the second guy that went home. In that season, the men’s team elected to vote off the player with the least about of points. Here’s the funny thing: in the first mission, he and partner Antoine were the first guys out, giving them 2 points each (out of a possible 36). If not for David Edwards and the Puck-related shitstorm and subsequent departure (read the recap; it is a long, dumb story), Laterrian might have been the first guy out. Then again, he was probably more well-known at that time, so they would have booted Antoine. Given how entertaining the Belgian turned out to be, I think viewers got lucky.
  • ·         Speaking of that episode: Jisela made a reference to “sugar cookies.” That was related to the first mission, Sergeant Says, which was basically Simon Says with drill instructors. There’s no flashback for that, but Jisela’s throwaway line made me smile.
  • ·         The setting for deliberations is pretty sweet. The main attraction is that each player has what looks to be a wood carved portrait. I wonder if they got to take those home.
  • ·         In an interview, Ace reveals he broke a rib and cracked another facing Laterrian in the Arena. Damn.

              

               Finally, I know this was a long recap, and it is way overdue. I’m open to feedback. I’m relearning how to ride this bike, and I want to know how I’m doing in a time where Challenge recaps are everywhere. I don’t know where to find the bells and whistles, but I’m hoping you had fun reading this.

            Special thanks to Shannon Healy for her feedback and patience.

 

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