Reality Remix...Reviewed

Today, I will be going over Reality Remix, the televised recap show that airs daily on Fox Reality. But I feel that I need a running start.

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart

Actually, I’m skipping this. I had several paragraphs done, then I found that NBC cancelled the series, and they renewed Donald Trump’s show for two more seasons. Needless to say, I have an opinion. Just not right now.

The Amazing Race: Family Edition

Remember what I said about wanting the Weavers to win? Yeah, I take it back. Two hours of bitching, crying and littering, and I want somebody to just smack their in their faces. Two weeks ago, I was mad at the other teams for Yielding them, since it seemed a bit mean, and they survived as the Gaghans gagged for the last time. It was like watching Tonya and the “Mean Girls” on Inferno II all over again. But I’ve seen the light...they are awful, awful people. When I read a poster speculate that the late Papa Weaver was not dead, but rather in hiding. I didn’t laugh, but I wasn’t morally outraged. Just like with the Schroeders and their Katrina ordeal, the pool of sympathy has run dry.

I’m still saying that the Linz siblings will win it all. I just wish I could tell any of these people apart. Godlewskis? I’m stumped. Bransens? There’s terminally slow Wally, but the daughters blend together. Weavers? There’s Linda, there’s Rolly (who has little hope for redemption), and the two daughters (who have zero hope). And I think the Linz girl is Megan, but don’t ask me about the brothers. That’s another reason why I miss the Gaghans. We got papa Bill, momma Tammy, son Billy, and the unbelievably cute Carissa, who is more mature at nine years than any of the Weavers.

I just want the season to end. We’re getting a rare off week, as CBS airs the Country Music Awards. And as much as I hate to say it, I’m going to miss the Paolos. Do they stink? On TV, yes; in real life, not so much. Are they the worst representation of Italian-Americans? I had to put up with Chris “C.T.” Tamburello for two seasons of the Challenge. DJ might have some lip on him, but he doesn’t want to be a Gotti. Also, I’m waiting to see if the producers add yet another racing event, just to remind the Weavers about how their father got killed on the track. I don’t like them, but the only parallel I could come up with is if Jill Aquilino (who lost a brother on 9/11) had to get a clue by guiding a radio-controlled airplane into a replica of the World Trade Center. Even those the Weavers are hypersensitive and in dire need of getting run over by a garbage truck (especially if Tony Paolo is at the wheel), I wouldn’t try and break them like that.

At least I won’t be alone for the season finale. The usual suspects at the TWoP forums have set up TARCon 8, which will be held at Planet Hollywood. I made my reservation already. If the Weavers do win, I guess that misery enjoys company. If we could get through Freddy & Kendra lucking into winning TAR6, we can get through anything.

Survivor: Guatemala

Consider me to be emotionally detached to the impending finale. Last season, I was rooting for Tom Westman and waiting for the inevitable episode where everybody ganged up to vote him out...except that never happened, he never got a vote against him, and he ended up winning the $1 million. This season is not as boring as Thailand or Vanuatu, but I’m not really loving or hating anybody.

Cindy: Who? Right...the zookeeper. She was my pick to win because she’s just there, and I’m sticking to that.

Danni: She’s in the minority alliance, so she should be gone by next week. She’s also in dire need of food, she’s that thin. Aside from giving Gary a hard time about being an ex-NFL quarterback (he called signals for the Cowboys and Colts, her father was a huge fan of his), she hasn’t made that big of impression.

Gary: Biggest topic at the reunion: “Guess what, Gary? We knew you played football. And guess what? We didn’t care!” I do give him props for finding the hidden immunity idol to save his butt. Judd gives other people bogus information on where to find the idol, but Gary has the presence of mind to follow the big lummox and observe him looks up in the trees. The result: one of the most awesome moments in the show’s history, as Gary presented Jeff Probst the idol to buy himself another three days.

Jamie: The only reason why I wanted him to go the distance was to face Bobby Jon on Day 39. You wouldn’t have needed a jury. You’d need a steel cage, grits poured on the floor, and “Sweet Home Alabama” playing on the speakers. And there was the possibility that they’d scream at each other yet again, then make out. But with Bobby Jon gone? It’s not as much fun.

Judd: Once again...he’s a dope, not a villain. Clean him up, put him in his doorman uniform and take away the booze, he cleans up nice. I don’t want to hear any screams of anguish if he wins, because it’ll happen due to the idiocy of the other tribe members. He’s the big guy. What do you do to the big guy? You throw him over the top rope. The gang in Pearl Islands did that with Rupert, but Tom eluded the cut in Palau. Anybody who suffered through Jenna Morasca’s fluke win in Amazon shouldn’t be complaining.

Lydia: I still have her in the final four, and she’ll probably do the pancake dance at the reunion. Critics get chapped that she sat out several challenges (including the first individual immunity, choosing food over safety), but I think she’s studying from Sandra Diaz-Twine’s playbook; hit the deck, let everybody else kill each other, and claim the prize.

Rafe: I rolled my eyes when he wondered if he was in “the axis of evil.” First of all, that’s so 2002. Secondly, if you’re playing Survivor and you don’t slit some throats, you’re not playing the game. He is a nice guy, even when he’s eating termites and running from hornets. I gotta savor this Mormon while I can; come December 5, I’ll have to deal with Julie all over again.

Stephenie: She’s entitled, she uses the word “retarded” liberally, and she’s a bit of a pain. My big fear is that Jamie, Judd and the others are carrying her due to her past experience. If she goes on an immunity run, she’ll get the grand prize.

Poor Bobby Jon. It’s bad enough that he’s now 0-for-2 on this show, but he picks the weirdest ways to lose. Last time, he was forced into a fire-building contest against Stephenie and lost. This season, his head wasn’t on the chopping block, but Gary found the hidden immunity idol. Who else could’ve gotten voted off? Gary had immunity, Jamie had immunity, and the others are holding out for Danni to crumble into dust within the next week. While Bobby Jon might have been a handful, I’ll miss the yelling, the beard, and his tendency to punch himself in the head.

So...what next? I’m trying to think of a way where Danni and Gary don’t get Pangonged/Ulonged out of existence. Here’s my theory: the majority alliance is made of six members. Jamie, Judd and Stephenie are the strong ones, as well as major pains in the butt. The others – Cindy, Lydia and Rafe – are a little weaker. What if the weaker players cut a deal with Danni and Gary to flip on the stronger players? In my head, it’s perfect: the weaklings guarantee themselves a bye through Day 37 (barring an immunity run), and Danni and Gary get some wiggle room. I’m not really rooting for anybody, but I’m a huge fan of shocking twists that Mark Burnett doesn’t think up on his own. We’ll see what happens tonight.

And now, the main event...such as it is...

Reality Remix

Where can you get reality shows recapped? If you want it done snarky, there’s Television Without Pity. If you want it fast, there’s the site where I used to recap. But some people might want capsulated stories televised. And that’s where Remix comes in. Every weeknight at 7:30 p.m., Fox Reality airs a show which covers a wide array of the genre’s shows, as well as interviews, sneak previews and other stuff. Sounds great, right? Well...there are two major problems:

1. The Host

Do you remember Kennedy? Four-eyed chick, used to be a VJ on MTV? Well, she’s landed on her feet here. If you were annoyed by her on Alternative Nation over a decade ago, odds are she’ll still grate on you. It’s just that she tries too hard to be funny and witty, and she comes off as neither. Granted, she’s not the worst in this field; I still have nightmares about a no-talent loser named David Hussey on VH1's Reality Wrap-Up. But she’s just so annoying, whether she’s reading off summaries, interviewing reality stars, or dealing with corespondents. Oh, and for Halloween, she dressed up as Martha Stewart...and Rupert. Not good. Makes you want a Kennedy assassination in this lifetime. Shut up, you were thinking it too.

2. The Correspondants

So far, we’ve had ex-stars pop in to give us news. I’d go off on Jenna Lewis, but she might have been there for one time only, so I’ll hold off on my verbal barrage and just wish that Shii Ann Huang would hit her with something blunt. I saw Nick Warnock from The Apprentice...snarky guy from what I’ve heard, but he looked stiff reading the news. My beef is with three guys:

Mark Long. Yes, that Mark Long. There’s Mark giving gossip. There’s Mark at the show’s launch party. There’s Mark riding in a limo with that insane “God Warrior” lady from Trading Spouses. You know, the one that makes Linda Weaver look like an atheist? Here’s what I want to know: how can he continue this gig when he’s seeking as much post-divorce lovin as he can. Also, what will happen when the show covers Gauntlet 2?

Lynn Warren & Alex Ali. Or as I like to call them, “Poor Man’s Team Guido.” They come to give commentary on The Amazing Race, but they still manage to make me roll my eyes. Example: Kennedy was about to interview Rob & Amber. Before we saw that, she shown a clip of Lynn & Alex. Apparently, they had baked cookies just for Amber, and Alex held up a plate with “Eat Me” scrawled on it. When you remember that they’ve labelled Amber as anorexic...ugh. I’m not a Ramber fan, but it makes me want Rob to punch these two bozos in the holy cannolis.

If you have satellite television and you want to kill time before your shows come on, you can give it a try. I even recorded interviews with Chip & Kim and Uchenna & Joyce. My favorite part was Chip saying there was “no way on Earth” he’d race with his children. Also, in one of the Ramber interviews, Rob said that Rupert had already gotten enough handouts. I shouted “OHMIGOD!!” so loud, I missed Kennedy saying that the “America’s Choice” phone poll was set up just so the tie-dyed pantload could get his million bucks. Watch at your own risk...with a crappy host, phonies for corespondents and the backing of a network that would flog their shows first (Trading Spouses recaps led off the Thursday episodes, but that might have been due to the aforementioned “God Warrior” lady), Reality Remix doesn’t do the genre it covers many favors.