Inferno 2, Episode 3: She Said/She Said

Previously on Inferno II: I can’t lie to you guys. I biffed the recording. I was online too long, I went to the VCR, and things were already underway. In my defense, it was 9:58 p.m. That’s only the second recording malfunction I’ve had in over two years of recapping. Here’s what you need to know: the Bad Asses spanked the Good Guys in Juice It Up, upping their bank account to $20,000. Mike won the Aztec Lifeshield, which bailed him out of his date with Dan in the Inferno. Jon took the noble route, volunteering himself to replace Mike. Sadly, Jon was defeated by Dan in Hang Tough, leading to the first genuine Beth moment in a long time. Oh, and Julie cried herself a river, and I laughed.

It’s daytime at the villa or mansion or whatever the heck these kids stay, and some of the girls are having a bull session over Tonya. Tina: “Tonya is like a stray dog. You don’t know what she carries.” Robin asks Beth if Tonya slept with a guy. Beth brings up Robin’s romance with Mark on Battle of the Sexes 2. Apparently, Tonya had said that those two were over, and he was too old for Robin. There’s only seven years and change between them, but it still squicks me out. Cut to a shot of Beth and Tonya talking. Robin interviews that Beth had told her that Tonya and Mark were “somewhat datey,” and she thinks Tonya is a “big fat liar.” She then calls up Mark on the sponsor phone and asks him what the deal was. Of course, Mark denies hanging out with Tonya. Robin: “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill that bitch.” In an interview, Tina is really happy over this development. “Who’s the liar?” she asks. “Is it Tonya? Is it her man Mark?” I’m going to go with “both,” personally. “Some drama’s in the air!” Thanks for being the Coral patch, Tina.

Night. The sponsor phone rings, and Dan picks it up. For some reason, Derrick is wearing swimming goggles. Don’t ask. Dan reads the instructions: leave at 11 a.m., and wearing swimsuits and sneakers. What happened to “tennis shoes”? Elsewhere, Jamie reads that the players will be getting wet at the Grand Bay Marina. Landon whoops it up while lying down. Has he been counting his drinks in Mexico?

Robin interviews that she confronted Tonya, asking why she lied about hooking up with Mark. Robin gets up in Tonya’s grill, ticked that she was labeled Mark’s “rebound chick,” and that Tonya hung out with him. Tonya interviews that Robin thinks she made it up. “It existed for a weekend,” she explains. “It’s not a big deal, and I don’t like him.” Robin insists she’s not jealous in an interview, adding that she doesn’t want to believe Tonya was with Mark. I don’t want to believe two women are fighting over Mark, but here we are. Robin: “It becomes an all-out scream fast.”

Sure enough, the bickering proceeds to the dinner table. Robin tells Tonya that she doesn’t trust her. Tonya says that she never dated Mark, and it’s ridiculous that Robin is insecure for “busting that out.” Tina: “Oooooooohhh!” Robin calls Tonya a whore, restating that she doesn’t trust her. Tonya reminds us all that she never dated Mark. Robin tells Tonya not to say how much fun they had. Tonya insists she wouldn’t hang out with Mark while they dated. Robin has a problem with Tonya being near Mark. Tonya: “I could say so much right now, but you’re just really not worth it.” Robin: “Good. Then shut your fucking mouth, you fucking whore.” It’s like they’re both trying to outcrazy Julie. There’s silence, with Tina grinning. And then? More arguing.

Robin tells Tonya that she called Mark, who denied having anything with Tonya. Tonya advises Robin to reevaluate her relationship, adding that he schupted both of them. Now we see Derrick grinning. Robin calls Tonya a dirty whore. I wonder how my feminist friend is reacting to this episode. There’s more arguing, then Robin storms off, interviews that she’s happy to get that off her chest. Make your own joke about Robin’s chest. Tonya doesn’t want to be called a liar. Robin: “I take the liar back. You’re not a liar, you’re a ho.” “Call me a whore,” Tonya interviews, “call me a slut. Don’t call me a liar.” Aim high, girl.

The good news is that we get off Robin for now. The bad news? Veronica: “BETH IS SUCH A BITCH!” Pot, I believe you’ve met kettle. Turns out somebody finally put two and two together, and now the finger has been pointed towards Beth. Veronica interviews that Beth is a nightmare, and she’s out to stir things up. Tonya interviews that Beth started something that should not have been started. She adds, “That’s...where...my...craziness...begins.”

Tense music plays, as Tonya storms into the bedroom. Just my luck ... the producers bring out the night vision lens, and there’s no hanky-panky to cover. Tonya orders Beth to get up. Beth responds by pulling the cover back over your head. As somebody turns on a light, Tonya wants to know what Beth was trying to pull. Beth insists she didn’t pull anything. Tonya wants to know what Beth said to Robin, since Robin’s feelings are hurt. “I’ve been exploited as a slut,” she adds “and none of this had to happen unless you opened your fucking mouth.” Beth hides under the covers, insisting she didn’t cause anything. Tonya demands to know what happened. In a rather sensible move, Beth suggests bringing Robin over to talk things out. Tonya figures Beth can’t think up a lie. Beth: “Tonya, you’re being really crazy right now.” BZZT! Wrong answer!

Tonya grabs Beth’s bag. She runs off with it, dumping it in a pool. Somewhere, Ayanna breathes a sigh of relief, since her ripping on Aneesa was more mature than this. Rachel approcaches Tonya, slurring that the bag is floating on the water. Tonya cusses up a storm. “Maybe she’ll talk to me now,” she snipes, “when she has nothing to fucking wear.” Rachel laughs as Tonya empties the bag’s contents into the pool. Veronica interviews that she didn’t help Tonya’s plans, “but I definately don’t stop her. So mean! We’re like the mean girls!” I hadn’t noticed.

Tonya goes back to the bedroom, barking at Beth some more. Beth is still in bed, apparently oblivious as to what had happened with her stuff. Tonya notes that if Beth does not talk, she will lose all of her stuff, adding that she felt humilated. Beth repeats that Robin should be brought in. Unsatisfied, Tonya grabs another bag and huffs off. Beth finally gets up and follows Tonya. Rather than repeat her performance in the pool. Tonya throws Beth’s clothes off the roof. “Oh, my God,” Beth interviews, “this girl has lost her mind. She must be on some medication.” Beth still wants to bring Robin in, but Tonya wanted an answer and didn’t get it. Beth calls Tonya crazy, and Tonya informs Beth that the rest of her clothes are in the pool. “You better hide your shit,” Tonya interviews, “because it will be gone!” Beth tells Tonya that she will die if her stuff is damaged. Tonya waves, and we cut to Beth’s clothes floating in the pool. Finally, we go to commercials.

We come back to Beth going to the pool, wearing a “New York City” sweater. Hey, keep my city out of this! Mike is guffawing, as Beth pulls her stuff out, griping about getting a Louis Vuitton handbag ruined. She interviews that she would never steal things or throw them in the pool. “At the end of the day,” she adds, “what does that prove? I think she’s the loser for acting the way that she did.”

So how do the other people react? By going to the pool, laughing, and taking pictures. I know this is Beth we’re talking about, and she deserves all sorts of abuse. But I reckon there should be limits. Mike goes on about how this is the best Challenge ever, and pumps his elbow and shouts “YES!” to emphasize it. Tonya yells that she trusted Beth. Beth yells that she didn’t tell Robin that Tonya was having Mark. Beth interviews that people will find reasons to plot against her, adding “all I have to do is show up.” Works for me, Tonya tells Beth that she had no right to tell Robin those things. Tonya is also pissed that Beth is causing conflict with the other team. Once again, Beth calls Tonya crazy. Tonya thinks it doesn’t matter. Beth no longer feels safe. Tonya interviews that she is now staying at a hotel because Beth is scared. “I just really wanted to push her buttons,” she adds, “and get her to defend herself, because I knew she was lying.”

Morning. The Bad Asses have a meeting. It seems that Beth does not want to do anything until Tonya leaves and she is compensated for damages. Tina and CT waste no time in calling Beth selfish. Tina interviews that the game plan is to manipulate Beth into going to the mission. Hey, you never know when a scrub will start to shine. Tina tells Beth that if she tried to punish Tonya, she would punish the entire team. CT: “There’s no reason why she should be acting like a 14-year-old high school girl that just got picked on in school. Don’t lock yourself in the bathroom, stop crying, get out there and face your problem like a grown-up.” Sing it, CT. Rachel tells Beth to go for her integrity, and not to let the fiasco take her out of the game. “Beth, we love you,” she interviews, “we need you, we want you here. Please come to the mission.” I figure that’s a 9.7 on the Insincerity Scale.

Mission site. We see a crane, as well as targets floating in the water. It’s the mission we saw on the MTV special! Dave welcomes everybody to today’s mission: X Marks the Spot. “Unfortunately,” he adds with a grin, “the key to winning is gonna be teamwork.” This gets some chuckles, as we see that Beth made it after all. Derrick interviews that Beth was able to “tough it out” and ready to put aside everything that had happened. Dave notes that the mission is similar to ring toss. One player will be harnessed to the crane, while the other is harnessed to the teammate. The duo swings over the targets, and the person attached to the crane releases the teammate. Okay, how come Julie and Veronica aren’t on the same team? Julie tried to do that before with Veronica! Speaking of Julie, she expositions that there are five rings; landing in the middle ring nets 20 points, while the outer rings are worth ten. Dave adds that if they miss the target, no points would be awarded. The team with the most points gets $10,000. Landon reminds us that his team is 0-2 so far, that he feels confident, but they’re getting walked on. Jamie declares to her teammates that they have this mission.

First up is Julie (the dropper) and Robin (the dropped). Robin misses the target for no points. Next up is Dan & Tonya. They fail to score, and Robin whoops it up on the sidelines. CT and Beth prepare for their turn. Beth interviews that she doesn’t want to be here. CT drops her for no points. Shavonda & Brad? No points. Shavonda notes that everybody is trying different things to win. Karamo & Tina? Well, Tina surfaces under a target, but she missed on the way in.

Abram and Rachel swing out. Abram pulls the pin, and Rachel lands in the middle ring, giving the Bad Asses 20 points. Landon paces, clearly not happy. Now it comes down to Mike and Darrell to pull out a win (or at least a tie) for the Good Guys. Mike interviews that they must go for the middle ring. They swing out, and Darrell drops as we flame out to commercials.

Coming back, we get a repeat of Mike’s interview and the dropping. Darrell hits the outside of the ring, sealing the win for the Bad Asses. Mike swings dejectedly, while Darrell floats in the water. Robin rubs her eyes, while Rachel dances and brags. Jodi wonders why her team keeps losing. Jamie: “It’s just a game, but losing sucks!”

Denouement. Dave awards the $10,000 check to the Bad Asses, which Rachel and Abram accepts. In self-promoting t-shirt news, Rachel and Veronica are wearing “I [heart] my pussy” t-shirts with a cartoon kitty. For them, that’s the height of witticism. “We damage each other’s clothing before a mission,” Rachel interviews, while a clip of Tonya’s tantrum plays, “and still manage to show up to a mission and win. I don’t get it, but I’m rolling with it.” Dave tells the Good Guys that he’s tired of congratulating the other team. Great, Dave thinks he’s the second coming of Jeff Probst. Jodi interviews that she has a good team, yet they can’t win. Tell it to Ulong, sister. Dave reminds the players that they must nominate two women into the Inferno. He gives them 30 minutes to deliberate at their respective lounges.

Before the Good Guys’ Deliberation Meeting, Dan sidles up to Robin and whispers something. At the meeting, Robin declares that Dan told her she was being sent to the Inferno, and she doesn’t care which Bad Ass they pick, but she wants to face Tonya. Brad doesn’t want it to be personal. Mike is sick of losing, and he hopes to turn things around.

Bad Ass Deliberation Meeting. Beth figures the other team will pick her or Tonya to go to the Inferno. Tonya thinks it will be her. Tina suggests that the Good Guys will throw a curveball and put her in. Beth and Abram assure her that it wouldn’t happen. Dan thinks the Good Guys would go to Tonya, since she’s fresh in their minds. Throwing somebody’s clothes into the pool will do that. Beth thinks it would be “one of the three of us.” Dan: “God forbid one thing has nothing to do with Beth!” He then figures it would come down to Tonya or Veronica, then asks his teammates who those two could beat. Veronica feels five percent more confident against Robin. Tina and Karamo don’t know how Robin got into the conversation. Tina bitches that her vote doesn’t even matter.

Nomination time! Dave goes over the rules before yielding the floor to the Good Guys. Robin announces that Tina will be going to the Inferno. Honestly, I didn’t see that coming. Tina gets up and smiles, telling her team that she told them so. Dan’s jaw drops, and remains dropped for some time. Tonya intervews that Tina would be going into the Inferno.

Bad Asses’ turn. Dan announces that Robin is going to the Inferno. The Good Guys clap, as Robin gets up and places her figurine into the Mininferno. Tina tells Robin to get ready for an ass-whooping. Robin: “You have a big bark and that’s it!” If only she had said that to Coral last season, just for the novelty of it. Dave reminds Robin and Tina that they have a chance to save themselves in the next mission. Robin wants to go into the Inferno. “The Good Guys are sending me into the Inferno,” Tina interviews. “They just screwed up! They’re going to lose the center hold of the women’s team. I’m sendin’ that chick home!” I’m sorry ... “center hold”?

A flaming segue brings us to the Bad Ass area, where Tina is pissed off that the Good Guys picked her. “If I come back from the Inferno,” she snipes at her team, “every single one of you guys can kiss my motherfucking sorry ass!” Tonya is surprised that Tina is going in, but it works for her, since she has problems with Robin and Tina. Hey, you gotta look at the glass half-full. Tonya talks to Veronica and Rachel about how Beth causes problems. Rachel tells Tonya not to trust Beth.”Beth is very shady in every aspect of her life,” Veronica interviews, “and I don’t trust her at all.” I need the Hemlich maneuver to stop choking on the irony of Veronica saying that somebody can’t be trusted. Beth interviews that she can’t stand people talking behind her back and not have the guts to say stuff to her face. She puts her bag down, as we see Rachel and Veronica laying down. She adds that she doesn’t like her team, and she doesn’t want to help them win. Yeah, that’s going to end well.

This episode is a mess, especially if you’re a woman. Crazy does not become Tonya, but she continues her spiral to insanity. Throwing another person’s clothes in the pool is not the sign of a mature person. Beth seems to be in the right, but her long history of crap-stirring suggests she fed Robin a buffet of exaggerations. Needless to say, I wouldn’t trust her if she was doped up on truth serum. As for Robin? I’m still amazed that she’s allowing herself to be an accessory for Mark’s thirty-something crisis. And the biggest villain in all this? Has to be Mark. I think he had Robin AND Tonya, and he’s probably getting a huge kick out of watching this. I can’t believe the man can be called “Ultimate Good Guy” on MTV.com without a trace of irony. Also, Julie’s insane, and Veronica and Rachel are still loathsome self-promoting minxes. The only halfway redeemable women here are Jamie, Jodi, Tina and Shavonda. That’s right ... I gave love to Shavonda. Man, that’s messed up.

Next time: Beth tells her team that if they throw missions, she’ll screw them over, Tonya interviews that the Bad Asses are throwing the mission because Beth is a weak player. If Beth tells her group that she’s half-assing it before the mission, she can’t go to the Inferno fast enough. The mission: catching dollar bills dropped from a helicopter. Didn’t we already see this?