Sunday, March 05, 2006

Gauntlet 2, Episode 13: Beth Ruins Everything

Previously on Gauntlet 2: The Rookies lost their second mission in a row thanks to Ibis falling in Spare Tires. Despite Beth’s customary subpar performance, the Veterans pulled to within $10,000 of the Rookies. In the Gauntlet, Alton wasted Jeremy. Afterwards, the Veterans gave Beth a piece of their mind. “Please,” she bitched in an interview, “accept me as a player, and let’s win this money.” Brad told us that Beth takes no responsibility, and he would love to see her get off the team.

Rolling shots of Trinidad & Tobago bring us to the mansion, where Kina and Randy are sparring. Kina interviews that she can’t imagine going home, and she will do whatever it takes to stay in the game. She would also be sad to see Randy go because she loves him. Kina gets on Randy’s back, but he tells her that he’s not a bull. He interviews about he feels like being on the chopping block, regardless of whether a male or female Gauntlet is coming up. The thought of facing Alton stresses him out, as well as somebody taking his girlfriend out. The couple hugs. Awwwww. I still hope he cheats on her, because he can do better.

Clue time! Aneesa reads about the teams being even in numbers, and gives us this nugget: “Who will step up and tip the balance?” Yadda yadda, meet at the Port Authority at 8 a.m. Julie woos about being excited to tie the game up.

Night. Derrick hangs with Aneesa and Julie, talking about how the game is getting testy and that people will get ugly. Aneesa interviews that somebody has to take Beth out because she is “dead-ass weight.” Julie brings up Beth being broke and need of money. That would explain why she keeps coming back to the Challenges, even though nobody loves her. Aneesa starts talking, but Julie shushes her, as the Bethasaurus rumbles outside. She tells her teammates that she agrees with what they’re saying. The gang acts dumb (easy for Julie), while Beth plays the “Say it to my face” card. “I find [this] very funny,” Beth interviews, “because Aneesa is like the weakest player that we have.” Man, a broken record doesn’t repeat as much as Beth. She tells Aneesa that she hasn’t seen her step up. Aneesa feels that she has heart to do what she has to do. Beth whines in an interview about how she hates the team, about how she’s sick of the lack of respect, and about how she’s sick of getting treated like crap. Cry me a river, bitch.

Actually, that’s exactly what she’s doing in the next scene. According to her recap (never for the faint at heart), this footage came after Syrus went home. I don’t see why she feels the need to dump a bottle of Visine in each eye. Julie comes over to give some insincere comfort, noting that it’s hard not to have any friends, and that people say stuff out of their own fears. Would “I don’t wrestle, I fuckin’ beat bitches up!” fall under that? Julie thinks Aneesa doesn’t want to face Beth in the Gauntlet. Anybody up for a trip to Bethland? “If somebody is trying to ride my fucking coattails, that’s just dirty. That person needs to fight me in the Gauntlet. I’m sick of all the big mouths around the house. I mean, she’s lucky I didn’t fucking bitchslap her. And this negative energy is just fueling me even more, so bring it on, bitches. That’s all I have to say, 'cause no one is getting past me.” My favorite part is Julie sighing near the end of Beth’s delusional rant, wondering if she sounds like that to the others. She doesn’t look convinced, while Beth seems content to the idea that she could smack Aneesa and get away with it.

Back from commercials, we hit the mission site. A platform gets raised. TJ welcomes everybody to the Port Authority for today’s mission: Easy Does It. The objective: players must dive into the water, climb a rope ladder, cross the platform, climb down another ladder, and make it back to the dock. The teams break up into pairs, and each duo gets ten minutes to complete the mission. If they fall into the water, both players have to start over at the bottom of the ladder. Jumping off brings a penalty of ten minutes. TJ adds that the platform is held by two pick points, and that makes it teeter and totter. Julie expositions that have to keep the platform even while holding on to a rope on the platform. TJ ends it, saying that the team with the fastest time gets $10,000 for their bank account. Since this is a women’s Gauntlet day, the winning female captain gets an electronic doodad and a year’s subscription.

TJ blows his airhorn, and Alton and Landon fly off the platform, hitting the water. They climb the ladders in synch. Alton interviews that things feel solid, and they have a good rhythm going. Both guys reach the platform and pull themselves across with ease. MJ interviews that the pair is setting the bar for the Rookies. Alton and Landon go down the ladders and swim towards the docks, allowing Jamie and Jodi to make their run. Jamie gets to the platform first, weighing it down. Jodi grabs the platform, making it tilt in her direction. Jamie grabs the rope to keep from falling. Both players make it across the platform, with Jodi pulling her side down to allow Jamie to cross. The duo walks down the ladder and heads for the dock.

Up next: Kina & Jillian. Jillian pauses at the top of her ladder, while Kina tells her that she needs her weight. The platform tilts, and Kina goes flying into the water. TJ tells the ladies that they have three minutes left. The girls climb again. Kina has problems getting to the platform with 2:15 left. Alton encourages her from the dock, telling her that she can’t give up. The platform tilts again, Jillian flies off, and the duo get the 10:00 maximum.

As Ibis & Susie dive in, Kina comes up to the dock. Alton tells her that it’s not her fault, but she sobs a little anyway. “I’m not Stretch Armstrong,” she interviews. “I cannot reach something that is out of my reach. I don’t like failing, so I’m super upset.” Meanwhile, Susie gets to the edge of the platform, while Ibis hangs on. Susie yells to Ibis that she is not going to the Gauntlet. I guess Susie is still a lock to go in no matter what. Susie tells Ibis to put her legs up and grab the rope. Ibis insists that she can’t reach. Alton yells to Ibis that she has four more rungs left on the ladder. Ibis interviews that she wants to prove herself, but she can’t reach that height. TJ gives the ladies two and a half minutes. Jillian gets to the other side of the platform, but Ibis falls off. Landon understates that Ibis’s second snafu in as many days is not making her look good. The pair hits the 10:00 maximum. Naturally, Ibis is worried that she’s on the chopping block.

Final pair: Randy & MJ. Both men get on the platform as it tilts. Alton instructs them not to get weight on one side. MJ slips and hits the water. Randy is told to climb down the ladder, but he jumps down instead. TJ yells that he can’t do that, and the team is assessed the 10:00. Anybody else get the feeling that Randy’s number is up next week? Jodi can’t believe this is happening. Randy claims he didn’t know he was supposed to climb down. Alton notes that the Veterans won’t lose unless they really screw up. Ibis tells her teammates not to lose hope. “I am so ungodly pissed off,” Kina snaps, “it’s not even funny. I wish the Gauntlet was right there.”

TJ blows his airhorn to kick things off for the Veterans, as Mark & David fly into the water. The fellas climb up, get on the rope, and pull past each other. The platform tilts, but the pair manage to hang on, get down and swim back to the dock.

Next pair: Robin & Katie. Robin reaches the platform first with 4:20 left. Katie can’t bring herself to reach, saying that her arms are about to give out. TJ tells them they have one minute left. Robin interviews that Katie’s arms are tied, so they’ll take the ten minutes.

Up next: Beth & Derrick. Just what both of them wanted, I’m sure. Beth has trouble just climbing the ladder. Aneesa: “She can’t even pull her ass out of the water, and I’m like, ‘This is really our team captain’.” Mark tells her to get her body closer to the rope ladder. Derrick nears the top, but Beth falls off. TJ gives the dysfunctional duo four minutes. Derrick reaches the platform. He tells Beth to get up, but she’s still on the ladder while in the water. TJ gives them two minutes. Beth interviews that she’s trying to get back up the ladder, but there’s nothing left. Time’s up, ten minute maximum. Derrick: “Beth literally can’t pull herself up a ladder.” He adds that somebody should take her out if they lose because she doesn’t belong there.

Fourth pair: Julie & Aneesa. Julie reaches the platform first. Things look good until Aneesa falls off, causing the platform to tilt. Julie hangs on for dear life with 4:15 remaining. Aneesa complains that she banged her face. TJ: “I know you did, come on.” Shut up, Poor Man’s Dave Mirra. Julie climbs again, as Robin yells for her to go to her “special place.” I’m sure Julie was in a “special place” for years. Robin yells some more, but Aneesa drops once again, and the pair gets ten minutes. Aneesa quips that she has a new bruise on her leg. Julie interviews that none of the women made it, and it’s up to Timmy and Brad to get a good time.

Speaking of Old Ham and Meathead, they dive in and climb the ladders. Timmy’s side of the platform drops, but both hang on to the rope. Cut to Kina looking anxious. Mark yells for Timmy to step off Brad’s shoulder. The guys end up crossing the platform, climbing down the ladders and swimming back to the dock. Cut to Brad and Derrick hugging, happy with this round. Derrick can smell the $10,000, while Mark brags that the Rookies will have to send a girl to the Gauntlet.

On the Rookies’ side, Kina and Susie don’t know if the Veterans have won. Derrick: “Attaboy, Timmy and Brad! Fuck, yeah!” Ibis doesn’t like the celebrating, perhaps forgetting the six times that the Rookies whooped it up. She interviews that everybody is wondering who screwed up first, and it’s lucky for them that she messed up. Kina interviews that she knows the decision she has to make. “I hate that I’m branded as captain,” she adds. “It’s like the bane of my existence.” Such is the price to be paid for finishing runner-up in an impromptu rock-paper-scissors tournament.

TJ compliments everybody for their efforts. Both teams had three pairs fall off, for 30:00 per side. Mark & David ran their part at 3:23, while Brad & Timmy got 2:45. Veterans’ time: 36:08. On the other side, Jodi & Jamie came in at 2:00, prompting Jodi to pump her fist. Alton & Landon’s time: 1:37. Rookies’ time: 33:37. Cue the usual celebration on the Rookie side, as Timmy’s jaw drops, which I haven’t seen since Katie beat David in The Inferno. TJ hands the $10,000 check and the sponsor prize to Kina, and Timmy’s mouth is still open. TJ tells the Veterans that he’ll see them later. Timmy can’t believe his team lost. “We’re all grumpy and moping and walking around all sad,” he continues, “and then it kind of dawns on us: ‘Wait, now Beth has to go into the Gauntlet.’ Maybe that’s a victory after all!” Wait a minute...nobody likes Beth, and they were playing to win??!? I know it would be hard to lose $10,000, but wouldn’t it have been nice to screw up? Either the rules were amended to prevent throwing missions, or nobody wanted to involve Katie in such a scheme, since she was victimized in the past.

Veterans Gauntlet Meeting. We’ll just get to the voting. Derrick wants to vote on who can take Beth out. Robin votes for Aneesa, whom she’s sure to scare Beth. Cut to shots of Aneesa and Julie, the latter of which hasn’t gotten past the twelfth mission since Extreme Challenge.

TJ comes in to get the verdict. Beth tells him to she’ll be facing Aneesa. TJ gives the wheel a good spin. Cue Aneesa whispering for Beach Brawl...and sure enough, between Reverse Tug-Of-War and Challenger’s Choice, Aneesa gets her wish. It’s a Gauntlet Day miracle! Aneesa bolts up, cursing and screaming for joy. She storms out of the room, almost knocking Derrick over. Beth smiles and laughs, muttering that Aneesa is crazy. Julie lies back, all teeth and buggy eyes. “The look on Beth’s face,” she tells us, “is like a deer in headlights.” TJ understates that Aneesa is excited, and he will see them later.

Aneesa tells Robin and Katie that she might “piledrive that bitch.” Keep teasin’ me, baby, I like it so. Robin tells her to go “straight-up gangsta” on Aneesa. Derrick compares the Gauntlet to taking a three-point shot at the end of a game. “I’ve been mentally preparing for this Gauntlet,” Aneesa tells us. “I prayed for Beach Brawl and I got it, and Beth had better be shaking in her boots because I’m ready to kill that bitch.” Want to know something truly sad? I was so pumped up for this, I did not see the end coming at all.

Gauntlet. TJ congratulates the Rookies on their win, then he calls Beth down. Beth announces that the team picked Aneesa, and she comes down. TJ goes over Beach Brawl...wrestle in the sand, best three-of-five. Beth: “I’m not doing it.” Once again: did not see that coming, even though I saw it before. Dramatic change in music. TJ: “Why not? Yeah, you are. Come on.” Beth repeats her lack of desire, squealing a little. “I’m not gonna put oil all over my body and have some bitch fight with somebody,” she interviews, “and I think it’s very low-class and I have no interest in participating.” Oh, sure...Reverse Tug-Of-War? Not at all demeaning. Beach Brawl? She is woman, hear her whine! It’s not like she had to strip down to a g-string and pasties before getting oiled up.

Landon claps, telling Beth to represent her team. Aneesa announces that she will represent the Veterans. Beth blahs that Aneesa will be a great captain. Aneesa snipes that Beth showed her true colors, adding, “I know you don’t want to look like a punk on TV, because you would have.” She walks off to applause from the Veterans, while Beth can just say “whatever.” "I would have killed you in the ring,” Aneesa interviews, “and you would have been a punk in there. You haven’t done shit for our team. You are a disease. Goodnight.” TJ thinks that Beth is scared, which Beth denies. TJ asks Beth why she’s still here. He adds, “I told you to quit when the other quitters quit.” Normally, I hate TJ...but it’s Beth, so who cares? Even funnier is Susie on the sidelines, shouting, “Yeah, tell her, Teege!” TJ bitches that Beth is too good for the Gauntlet, giving her twenty minutes to pack up and leave. She clucks that she would like to have stayed, but she wasn’t going to compromise her values and beliefs. That’s Julie deal, bitch. Quit stealing.

Beth gets a few token hugs from the Veterans. “You’re only as strong as your weakest line,” David interviews with Timmy at his side, “and out weakest link is going home.” Derrick: “Beth is a punk. I’m so glad Beth is gone. The witch is dead.”

Mansion. Beth and Julie are hanging out...a changing of the suck guard, if you will. Beth laughs and wishes Julie luck with her new captain. Time for some parting words. “Veterans, you gotta smahten up. You gotta get Aneesa out of there now that she’s captain. I’m sure she’ll take you far with her cigarettes and her asthma and her mouth. So have a good time.” Why does Bunim-Murray let her run her mouth one last time? Hell, why do we get a shot of Aneesa smoking? Beth sucked, wire-to-wire. She stirred up drama, she underachieved in missions, she lucked out in two Gauntlets...and when things didn’t roll her way, she picked up her ball and left. I’m not a right-winger by any means, but you have to make like Bill O’Reilly with Beth and cut her mic. Oh, and “smahten”? She was trying a Boston accent. For that alone, I hope David and CT kick her ass.

Outside, we have a shot of Mark, Aneesa, Julie, Derrick, Katie and Brad. Brad: “On account for Beth being gone.” And they all shout out, “THANKS FOR NOTHING!!” Mark shouts “peace!” as he walks off camera, Aneesa flips a bird. I don’t want to hear how this team is no better than Beth. If she was on your team, you would have get her out. And that’s why I want the Veterans to win in the they can go to the reunion and literally rub the check in Beth’s fat face. And if MTV can set up a sand pit for Aneesa to piledrive Beth, that would be even sweeter.

Next time: With Bethasaurus wussing out, where will we get our drama? Well, there’s Jodi and Alton making out. Jillian tells us that this is great as long it doesn’t affect the team. We have something called The Pit, where players try to climb out. Alton’s butt is on the line, and Kina feels that if he falls, the team loses.

No comments: