Friday, April 08, 2005

Inferno 2 Episode 5: Quitters Never Win

Previously on Inferno II: Tonya threw Beth’s clothes into the pool as a response for Beth spreading gossip. Tonya: “You see her stir up shit and lie? Did you see her not even defend herself? She’s so fucking scared.” Actually, Beth was still in bed, so shut up. The Bad Asses tried to bail Tina out of the Inferno during Run For Your Money, in order to send Beth in her place. The person handling the narration skips past the teams having to actually count the money, instead giving Beth credit for losing the mission by miscounting her tally. Beth interviews that the Bad Asses lost $10,000 because they didn’t act as a team. In the Inferno, Tina beat Robin, sending her back to California and her dodgeball-playing ass of a boyfriend. Afterwards, Beth and Veronica went at it, in a battle of wills where you should never take a side. Beth: “The people that I’m dealing with are crazy, and the last thing I want to do is help them win money.”

We start at the Villa, as Beth sorts through her clothes. She interviews that it’s hard for her to sleep, and that she shouldn’t have to wonder where her property is. Then she drops the bombshell. “I need to leave,” she tells us. “There’s other things that I could be doing. This stress is just not worth it to me.”

Cut to Beth outside with her bags. Karamo asks what she’s doing. Beth lets him in on her plans to leave, calling him the only person on her team she feels comfortable confiding it. I’m guessing Karamo started watching The Real World around the time of the Boston season, because he would have gotten as far away from her as possible. She goes on about how she doesn’t feel safe, and she doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. Karamo interviews that he has no beef with her and that her teammates would take care of her, but she’s still going home.

Beth tells Julie that “it’s all mentally ill.” Yeah, Julie would know a thing or two about that. “In the real world,” Beth interviews, “I would never let anybody treat me that way and get away with it.” Cue the slow-motion clip of Tonya tossing the clothes. “I really think that all these are evil.” Cue the arguement with Veronica. Beth hugs Karamo and Landon. “You guys can enjoy my leftover scraps,” she blahs to us. “Have fun with your pocket change [camera zooms in] and I hope you choke on it.” She rides off in a cab.

Okay. I know that having your stuff defiled is a big deal. I know that watching people take pictures and laugh sucks. Tonya’s actions were entirely unjustified. With that said, I still think Beth is an idiot. Couldn’t she have asked BMP to watch her stuff? Or move to a nearby hotel? Sure, her team would probably have rigged missions to send her into the Inferno, but the Good Guys would’ve worked to prevent that. And maybe she would have had a shot at winning the Inferno. Did she not see underdogs like Sarah and Katie win their endgames, when nobody gave them a chance? No, Beth took the easy way out. Rather than stay in, bug her teammates out of spite and try to win a share of the bank, she turned tail and ran. She came into this Challenge a loser, and she’ll always be a loser. And how did she follow this act up? By appearing on and announcing the number of guys Tonya had slept with, as well as saying that Abram hooked up with a guy. I’ll say this: if anybody out there likes Beth, it’s because they don’t really know her, or that there’s something wrong with them. Rant over, back to the drama that matters.

Night. Several players chilling in and near the pool. CT asks Julie what happened with Beth. “It bummed me out,” Julie says, “that she’s making a fool of herself.” Gosh, Julie is such a good friend. Brad figures that things got out of hand between some of the girls, and Beth couldn’t handle it. “When she came in running her mouth like that,” Brad adds, “I was like, ‘Who is this old lady?’” Note to self: buy Brad a drink if I ever meet him. Derrick interviews that losing Beth is fine by him, since there’s one less weak player around. Brad notes that Beth had nothing to bring to the table. Amen, dude.

Clue time! Brad reads the text message: get ready to go to the Porta de Navidad at 11:30 a.m. and wear team colors. Dan deduces that they’ll be going out to the ocean. Derrick repeats that his team feels very good not having Beth around.

On the roof, Abram and Mike have a chat. Abram says that his team is gunning for Mike. Mike interviews that people think he and Abram are in an alliance, which he denies. “I want the best competition to make it to the end,” Mike adds. “Abram, I think ,is the same way.” Abram interviews that Mike always gets him fired up in competition. Inside that villa, Dan tells CT and Tina that Mike and Abram are friends, and neither wants to see the other go. They’ve been there and done that. Dan interviews that everybody says they’re not in an alliance. He also throws out something to Julie about how a place called “Honest Abe’s Car Dealership” wouldn’t be that honest.

New day! Dave welcomes the players to the mission site, then “notices” that one of the Bad Asses has left. Cue the clip of Beth walking off, as we hear Rachel cheer. Dave: “You guys have a lot of drama. That’s crazy.” Whatever. Anyway, today’s mission is Shirt Off My Back. Dave shows the players some Speedo apparel. Before the mission, the players will put on the attire and walk down on beams. The objective: take a set of clothes off, pass it to a teammate, and have them put on the clothes. Dan tries to exposition that they must put on the clothes in order, as displayed on the racks. The ladies will keep their bikini bottoms on at all times, while the guys wear tiny Speedos. Landon adds that the girls will wear three shirts and two shorts, while the boys must wear three shorts and two shirts. If anybody falls into the pool, that person must go to the end of the line and trade out all their clothes. I’m writing this three nights after the fact, and I still don’t get it. Veronica: “I’m much better at taking off my clothes than I am putting it on, so we’ll see how it goes.” The girl makes my work too easy. Abram interviews that he’s willing to put on a woman’s bathing suit for $10,000.

The players go to get changed. Dan lets us in on his team’s strategy: if one person falls off the beam, he must go to the beginning of the line. The plan: have the person at the end of the line fall in, then swim over to the first person. I nod my head as a helpful graphic demonstrates Dan’s plan, and I still don’t get it. Darrell is happy that the Good Guys have an advantage, since they have fewer people and more room to manuever on the beam.

It’s time for something I’ve covered twice already: the boys squeezing into tight swimwear. Once again: if Antoine isn’t involved, it’s not that funny. Julie interviews that the boys look amazing. She adds, “It’s sad that every boy on my team has bigger boobs than I do.” We get a shot of Julie in her bikini, and she has a point. It’s tough, especially when her season wasn’t marked by a lady with sizable breasts, and that said season was sandwiched by installments with women who were well endowed (Amaya of Hawaii, Coral of Back to New York). Mike poses in his Speedo, complaining that it doesn’t compliment his body, adding that “Seymour” is packed in there. Mike naming his manhood doesn’t surprise me. But “Seymour”? That just screams “middle-aged accountant” to me.

The players walk out on the beams. Dan notes how shaky it is. Karamo interviews that he feels like falling off, and the mission hasn’t even started yet. Dave reminds the kids that the mission begins once he blows his air horn. He blows, and the players start disrobing, trying to keep their balance as the beam wobbles.

After commercials, we see both sides pass clothes. Jodi interviews the beam is shaking because everybody is moving at once, especially when they put on shorts. Dan gets his clothes, then drops into the water. All part of the plan, right? “When you jump in the water with your clothes on,” Dan interviews, “your clothes are also going to get wet. And when your clothes are wet, they’re a little sticky. [shot of Dan going through his wet clothes] Perhaps we should have though at that point we came up with this brilliant idea.” Dan tells his team to move over in order to make room. Meanwhile, the Good Guys move along. The Bad Asses struggle, as Dan takes another dip into the pool. Dave: “Guys, remember you got to put on [your clothes] properly. So just put them on like you’re going out to a dinner date.” This cracks me up, and I don’t know why.

The Good Guys finish up, and they walk over to Dave for inspection. Abram makes a sour face as Dave ends it, giving the Good Guys the win. The team celebrates by cannonballing into the pool Jodi interviews that the win gives her team more confidence and the ability to keep winning. Tonya interviews that they the Bad Asses should never have gotten anybody into the water. Derrick thinks Dan was trying to be a hero. Veronica: “Part of this game is to adapt quickly to things that are thrown at you, and we didn’t do that. It’s definitely not a good feeling to lose.” She tells her teams that it’s a wasted lose if they didn’t learn from it. That’s oddly coherrent coming from Veronica.

Denouement. Dave congratulates the Good Guys for “smoking the Bad Asses today!” Wherever Dave bought his personality, I hope he kept the receipt. Blah blah blah, $10,000 for the Good Guys. Darrell tries to walk the beam to get to Dave, but winds up falling in the pool instead. Julie ends up grabbing the check. Landon interviews that his team earned this mission. Abram makes monkey noises in his interview, flashing double birds. “That was my money!” he adds. “And it really pissed me off!” Tool. Dave dismisses the kids to their lounges, giving them 30 minutes to pick somebody to go to the Inferno. This time, it’s the boys’ turn to feel the burn.

Good Guys Deliberation Meeting. Mike compliments the teamwork, then figures that he’ll be nominated into the Inferno. Shavonda remembers that Robin wasn’t confident going in last time, so she’s okay with sending a weaker guy. Jamie brings up Karamo’s name. Julie thinks that any guy on the team could beat him. Shavonda interviews that she voted for Karamo. “We want confidence in our boys going into the Inferno,” she continues. “Every guy counts at this point, and we want to keep our boys as long as possible.” Mike says that they had to find a way to win, and they found it today.. Brad interviews that it feels great to be catching up. Mike leads a team cheer, then bellows, “Who’s your daddy!” Shavonda: “Mike!” Mike as a father? Brrrrrrrrrrr.

Bad Asses Deliberation Meeting. Abram brings up Mike and Landon. Karamo wants Landon because he’s a stronger player, adding that they tried to get rid of Mike and that didn’t work out. CT replies that Mike didn’t go in. Karamo proclaims that the team can’t keep going for Mike, and the Good Guys would target the Bad Ass weaker players. Dan isn’t scared of anybody. CT wants Mike, since Mike is a leader. Since when? Battle of the Seasons? Abram think that there’s a better chance to beat Mike. Karamo thinks his team sounds weak and scared of Landon. CT: “How you gonna tell us that we’re weak? You’re the weakest guy on our team. All you do is sleep all day.” Karamo: “Kiss my black ass. I’ll do whatever the fuck I want!” CT accuses Karamo of playing the race card, which sets Karamo off. Derrick stares off, while Dan looks on snarkily with his eyebrows raised.

After the commercials, CT reminds us that Karamo wants Landon. “Karamo starts calling us weak,” he interviews. “It’s not gonna happen, Karamo. Please.” Veronica asks what happened. Isn’t she right there? Karamo reinterates that he feels like he’ll be sent into the Inferno, and he knows Landon well enough. Also, we can find out who the true alpha male is from Real World: Philadelphia. Did somebody say “knife fight”? Tina reminds everybody that the Good Guys can throw curveballs, and Derrick thinks any Bad Ass could wind up in the Inferno. Karamo interviews the team is going against him, and he feels like he’s on his own.

Dan asks Abram who he wants nominated. Abram starts hedging, saying he likes the idea of picking Landon. Tonya notes that Mike won the last two Aztec Lifeshields, and he could do it again. Abram doesn’t even want to vote, since he doesn’t want to pick Mike. “I’ll vote for whoever I want,” he interviews, “for whatever reasons I want, and y’all can go screw yourselves.”

So who did the Bad Asses peg? Dave goes over the nomination proceedings, starting with the Bad Asees. Tina announces that Mike is going in, prompting Mike to shout “I’m back, bitches! I’m back” so many times, that Dave Chappelle and the ghost of Rick James have to beat him up. I can dream, right? Dave asks the Good Guys whom they’ve selected. Landon announces that Karamo is the pick. Dave gets both nominees to place their figurines into the Mininferno. Mike and Karamo shake hands, guy-hug, and nearly knock Dave to the side. Dave reminds both players that they can win the Aztec Lifeshield and bail out of their date. Mike interviews that it sucks because it puts pressure on him to win the Lifeshield. “I’m kinda jealous of my other teammates,” he adds, “because until they’re gone, they probably won’t even have to go to the Inferno.”

Karamo walks away, ticked by the way things worked out. He tells Derrick that the Good Guys threw a curveball, and he doesn’t feel like he’s on the team. In an interview, Derrick admits that he was wrong, Karamo was right, and he would be upset in Karamo’s position. Wow, Derrick is growing up so quickly. He tells Karamo that he wants him around. Karamo appreciates it. Cut to CT looking on. He snottily interviews that Karamo’s attitude sucks, and there is no way Karamo could beat him, Derrick and Abram for the Lifeshield. “You dug your own grave,” CT concludes, “now you’re going to get buried.” First of all, doesn’t CT know that Dan is still in the game? Or that the women can win the Lifeshield? I’m tired of CT and his dumbass gangsta necklace. To me, all he’s good for is fighting Rob Mariano to see who is the more obnoxious Italian -American from Boston.

Night. Abram tells Derrick that he can’t vote for Mike again. Derrick thinks that if Abram wants to be real, he shouldn’t vote for Mike. Abram calls himself an asshole, and I cannot argue with him. Derrick: “I have tendencies to be an asshole, too.” Abram notes that everybody thinks he has a deal with Mike, which he insists is not the case. “If one more person accuses me of making an alliance,” he interviews, “there’s a real high likelihood that my patience will wear out.”

Moon shot. Owl hooting. Tina talks hypothetically about people thinking she’s in an alliance. Mike agrees, while Abram stands near the sink, near the knives. Tina brings up Mike and Abram. Mike notes that Abram picked him to go into the Inferno. Tense music plays as Abram jumps in, saying he voted for Mike because the others wanted that, and that it’s wrong to send in players who deserve to be here. “And if you think I have an alliance with Mike,” he bellows, “you can all go fuck yourselves!” Looks like somebody needs a nap. Tina accuses Abram of being full of it. Abram retorts that if he had an alliance, he wouldn’t have voted for Mike. There’s more bickering, followed by Abram roaring like a spazzy lion. He grabs a glass, stalks off (not premeditated, I’m so certain), and wings it from the balcony. Instantly, the echos of hundreds of thousands of BMP fans can be heard to cry out, “What if we have company?!?” Come back to us, Teck. We miss you so much.

Next time: Dave tells the kids that they’ll be playing dodgeball on floating platforms. Great, now I have to wonder if Mark will show up. Karamo tells us that he hates cold water, so he sits on the sidelines. CT: “Do us a favor. If you don’t wanna win, take your punk ass home.” Cut to a player POV shot of the Inferno, and they smack each other with pugil sticks.

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