The Inferno Episode 9: Hot Bargains

I probably won't get around to talking about Dirty XXX in full detail here, so here are the basic results: most everybody sucked, and Camila got her second win. So did Jordan, but he didn't come to Champs vs. Stars and smack a production aide like Camila did, which basically puts her on BMP's "do not invite" list. Remember, in order to make that, you have to either quit on Saint TJ, or be accused of committing a Law & Order: SUV-style crime during the taping of the show. And Camila was just the tip of the dysfunctional iceberg that was Dirty XXX. Once again, it's sad that I look back on The Inferno as "the good old days," even though it wasn't that good of a season. This episode was fun, though.

Hey, Archive.org preserved the picture! It's Syrus in a sombrero! Good times. Looking back, he was a guy that wasn't the best player around, but you needed him to lighten the mood.

Airdate: March 22, 2004
Recap Published: March 30, 2004 (yeah, I took too long on this one. I think it was worth it, though)

The players get to sell dubious wares to unsuspecting tourists. David takes a siesta, Coral discovers new levels of bitchiness, and Katie actually has fun.

Previously on The Inferno: Road Rules players sought to dump Katie into the Inferno, but the plan backfired when Christena, the nominee, gave up in the Don't Yank My Chain challenge. In happier news, RR won their second mission in a row, upping their bank to $50,000. Kendal rubbed it in that RR had a 5-3 advantage over Real World. In the worst Inferno yet, Christena defeated her best friend Mallory, leaving RW with seven players.

It’s a quiet night at the villa. Katie reads the mission clue off the sponsored device, telling the others of the 7:30 a.m. pickup time. She interviews that she's sure to do a lot better than before. She decides that she's going to exercise. "I'm going to try and work out," she adds, "and win this with dignity." I have to ask once more: do these people know what show they're on?

Back inside, Coral asks anybody if they want to join her in making sandwiches. At long last, she's wearing her shout-out shirt, "Melissa Will Kill You." Veronica insists that Abram wants one. Coral fixes a sandwich as Syrus looks on. She spreads mustard on the bread... and then she licks it and laughs. It's not that clear if her tongue makes contact, but it is disgusting regardless. Syrus laughs, saying he'd never do that to her. "I wouldn't do that to you!" she responds. More licking, more cackling, and then she hands the sandwich to Abram. After what he did with Rachel and Veronica in Telluride, he shouldn't be that uptight about germs. Shane warns Abram, but he takes a bite. "Why is she filming the sandwich?" he asks of a nearby camerawoman. Maybe Abram isn't as dumb as I thought. Coral laughs while Abram takes a big bite.

Outside, David and Holly do stomach crunches. He jokes that this is better than going to work. He then engages in Jane Fonda-style aerobics, which cracks Holly up. "I'll put it straight," he interviews, "I'm here for a good time. I guess my motivation for this challenge was Acapulco, paid vacation, suntan. That's pretty much it." Gotta love the honesty. "When it comes to competition, I'm pretty much going to take it as it goes." Mike interviews that David is a good guy, but he's been lackadaisical lately. More aerobics, as Mike and David grin from the pool. CT interviews that he's comfortable with David, since their mothers knew each other. "He does little things that make him look weak to everybody else," CT interviews. "The kid's legit. He's one of our best players."

Sunrise. Dave welcomes everybody to the next mission, Come Sail Away. Each team is given items to sell to passengers disembarking from a cruise ship. The team that earns the most money gets $10,000 for the bank account. Mike interviews that he doesn't want RR to win three missions in a row. Dave reveals the catch: these items aren't very popular. The camera scans as Dave's words sink in: sombrero, iron, cotton balls. Dave adds that the teams get three and a half hours to sell their wares. Abram interviews that they need to sell at the highest prices.

David volunteers to pick the items from RW. Mike interviews that David has to step up, and hopes it's good enough. Veronica picks for RR. David grabs a toy torpedo. Coral gets pissed as David snares a sombrero. "Coral gets pissed" will be a running theme today. Veronica grabs roller skates. Syrus carries a pinata. Veronica gets a CD player. Syrus grouses about a toy fish. RR gets a microwave, RW gets a car battery. To sell. Yeah, good luck with those.

Coral instructs David to get a swimsuit, but he veers away from that. Coral openly wonders if he's on crack. Syrus rubs his head, already in agony. "David is having a terribly off day," Coral interviews. "We're all just like a deer in headlights, we can't believe this is happening." David threatens to smack everybody, insisting he's had coffee. Veronica smiles. Julie looks perplexed. Coral looks pissed.

After commercials, Dave blows his air horn to start things off. Back in Extreme Challenge, Syrus was going into a cheerleading mission with little prep time. His idea? "Be a ham. Ham this up. Honey. Glazed. Ham." Cut to today: "Get your beautiful Mexican sun piñata! Comes equipped with a black man!" Holly has trouble selling pliers. Julie lures a younger tourist away from RR, offering to juggle and dance for him. RR sells a pair of briefs. Mike gives an older woman a sombrero so big, it almost knocks her over. David unsuccessfully tries to sell a bikini top to her. Mike interviews that he's having a blast. "I'm just lying my ass off," he continues, "trying to get her to buy anything."

Time remaining: three hours, 17 minutes. Timmy has his Pirates cap on, along with an oversized clown nose. I miss Jon and Al from The Amazing Race. Timmy asks a guy if he wears muumuus. Coral grabs some cash, and we see the first returns: RW has 1,660 pesos, while RR has 940. Kendal fits an old lady for a sarong. She interviews about not being good with sales or being pushy. Katie talks to Darrell about booth position. He interviews that they have to push the stuff cheap. It would be different if they had to make a profit, as opposed to just selling the stuff. I'm sorry I compared this to The Apprentice last week. I'm actually having more fun watching this than that episode.

Time remaining: 2:30. David: "I'll be straight, I brought my C-game to this challenge." Cut to David yawning in a chair. Syrus: "He's kinda ADD. I don't think he's much help." Katie pushes the CD player and interviews that she's happy with this mission. Timmy interviews that she's making a comeback.

Time remaining: 1:45. Julie is yelling for female tourists to look at the bare-chested CT and Mike. As Mike pops his butt out, Julie tells a woman that if she buys a bikini, CT will wear it. That's supposed to be incentive? Ladies, is this what happens at Victoria's Secret? Please e-mail me. Since this is an MTV show, Leah helps CT into the thong and top. I need to gouge out my eyes. As much as some viewers might go for CT's butt, I don't need flashbacks of Jake and his thong. "Desperate times call for desperate measures," CT interviews, "and I had to step up for the team." He dances, while the ladies admire him. Julie: "When I saw CT come out with that bikini on, I realized my life was complete." Whatever. CT makes the sale and hands the stuff to the lady. Don't ask. RW now has 4,230 pesos to RR's 3,750. Leah is excited, since RR is having trouble selling. Timmy tries to convince a guy to buy hangers used by Burt Reynolds. Seriously, you wouldn't expect a reference like that from anybody but Timmy.

Time remaining: 1:15. David is still in the chair. I smell sneaky editing. Coral orders him back, but he isn't budging. "I like the kid," Coral gripes, "he's a great dude, but David can't even stay awake during a mission." Elsewhere, Shane and Abram give massages to a woman. She must be so brave to let Abram anywhere near her neck. Shane interviews that they won't let her leave until she buys something. I’m not quite getting the logic there. Abram adds that he's promising anything and everything in order to make a sale. Timmy kibitzes a man about putting RR over the top. Shane and Abram keep rubbing. Totals: RW 5,490, RR 5,305. Christena: "Shane is raunchy and massaged gross women's feet. Whatever gets the job done." Oh, shut up, Christena.

Time remaining: 0:45. Timmy's taken to juggling to attract customers. "Sales! Bargains! Love! Puppies!" Leah has trouble haggling with an older guy. Timmy: "Buy a bucket before you kick one!" Cut to two older ladies, who don't seem the least bit offended. They might not in the mood to contemplate their mortality, Timmy. Mike and Julie successfully unload an afro wig to a white guy. Timmy sells lipstick to a woman who could have been Dick Clark's babysitter.

Time remaining: 0:10. David is still in the chair. On the RR side, a woman asks about clothespins. Syrus tries to sell a sombrero. RR tries to sell a hammock, with Katie still in it. Yeah, they wish they could pull that off. Dave announces the 30-second warning. David is still in the chair, and Coral is pissed about it. Finally, Dave blows the air horn, ending the mission. Leah and Mike both interview that they think RW won the mission.

Denouement. Dave declares that the money earned will be donated to a local charity. After both sides cheer, Dave announces the totals: RW 6,330 pesos, RR 6,505 pesos. What kills me is that Dave has to tell RR that they won the mission before it dawns on them. They whoop it up, while RW looks bummed. And why not? They lost by about 15 pesos, and they were probably in the dark about their lead. Katie interviews that this being one of the best missions so far, and how she's happy to have helped. Christena declares it a team victory, since everybody did something stupid to win. Dave hands over the check. Timmy says that RR has a 6-3 lead on RW. Syrus and CT looked pained. "I'm a little pissed off," CT interviews, "because I've been running around in g-strings for three hours." So it wasn't just the one time? I'm learning so much about CT. Dave reminds everybody that each team nominates two men into the Inferno.

The RR guys get together. Darrell interviews that since the men have two Infernos left, they'll take turns volunteering. Darrell is still pronouncing it as "Infuerno." Meanwhile, Coral tells Leah that she's mad and that it was an easy mission. RR is still celebrating. Coral snipes that she doesn't want RR to win again. "I'm PMS-ing or something, but I'm [bleeping] pissed," she interviews. "I'm tired of losing, I'm over it. We all did well, except for David, of course." Cut to David telling Syrus that he's going to take a nap. He spent most of the time in a chair, and now he wants to catch some sleep. Coral: "He should not have even been there. I wish we had Katie take his turn. He ruined the whole mission. I'm just praying to the Lord that he gets beat in the next Inferno." While I do see the difference between winning and losing being equivalent to David possibly selling one trinket, I think Coral just needed an excuse to hit a whole new level of bitchiness. Love you lots, Coral, but lighten up.

RR Meeting. Abram tells the team the men will all volunteer. Shane adds that he'll go. He interviews that he doesn't want to, but he'll take the chance. Abram and Timmy want to volunteer, and they decide to play rock-paper-scissors for it. As Timmy stands up on the table, he slips and nearly slams into Abram. "We play it differently where I come from," Timmy deadpans. "That was my rock." Abram laughs, afraid to ask what Timmy's "scissors" would be. Abram takes the match, and Timmy jokes about how everybody wants to go into the Inferno. "We like to play the game fair," Holly interviews, "and both boys are ready to go to the Inferno." To recap: Road Rules? All smiles.

RW Meeting. Total doom and gloom. David volunteers, admitting he was a disaster. "If anybody should be going to the Inferno," Coral snipes in an interview, "it's David's ass." David votes for Syrus, mentioning that CT has won two Aztec Lifesavers already. Syrus reminds everybody that he finished first in two missions as well. Coral interviews that Syrus has carried the team in different ways. It is hard to vote for a man who would let a woman step on his head. Mike votes for CT, since he has yet to be nominated. Leah thinks CT is a top performer, but it is his turn. "Whatever," CT interviews, "I'll roll with it." In a weird move, Julie votes for Mike. Coral asks why, and Julie answers that he had not received a vote. Coral: "I think she was trying to wait until everyone voted, then voted for the person that it wouldn't matter. I think that sucks, and I think she sucks." Way to push the bitterness envelope.

Dave announces the nominees: David and CT from RW, Abram and Shane from RR. He asks both teams to pick one person.

RW. Coral interviews that she doesn't want to take a chance and lose another player. David votes for Shane. "I don't want to mess with Abram," he adds, "because I think he's a psycho." No argument here. Leah: "We chose Shane because we think Abe's crazy. We think Abe will do absolutely anything. That's definitely intimidating."

RR. Christena wants to send in David, "the guy with two colored eyes." I can't believe I forgot that. I’ll have to check the interview segments next week. Everybody proceeds to make lame jokes about David's attention span, and I won't quote them here. Abram interviews that David is the easy choice. I think that there is no easy choice between David and CT, and David's just been in a slump.

Plate standoff. I think Leah tries to snap her fingers in the style of West Side Story. The plates go up with the usual fanfare. "I'm not afraid of David," Shane insists, "but you don't want to go to the Inferno, ever." Ah, shut up and take your medicine. Christena drops the usual Aztec Lifesaver exposition, giving Shane a chance to bail himself out next week. Mike interviews that the selection is a kick in the ass, and that he hopes David gets back all of his steam. What does David think of going a few hours in the Inferno? "I'd rather have certain knee surgery than go do that. It's going to be ridiculous, and I don't know how I'm gonna survive."

Times passes. Darrell and Holly chat on a rocking bench. I'm amazed that Darrell, the would-be Olympic boxer, hasn't even been nominated yet. I'm sorry... after listening go on and on last season about Sarah underachieving, I just want him to sweat a little. Anyway, he laughs about how RR has "volunteerin' fools." He interviews that the team has well-rounded people and it's possible they'll win in the end. He moves on to Katie, and how she doesn't believe in herself. Holly doesn't think an RR woman will go home, and that Katie just had a few bad missions at the beginning. "If she was on [the RW] team," she continues, "she'd be right in the middle of the pack." Come on. I'd rank Leah and Coral over Katie. Holly interviews that she doesn't know if the others are laying blame on Katie, but she has impressed the team.

Villa. Syrus: "Abe seems like he's just nuts, and nuts usually prosper in this realm of life." Darrell shaves Abram's head. Abram interviews about wanting a mohawk his entire life. "We are kicking the Real World's ass now," he interviews, hair moussed up. "That means I am hardcore enough to have a mohawk." Insert your own Taxi Driver joke here... ah the hell with it. "You talkin' to me, Donell?"

Sunset leads to night. David tells Christena that he has to step up, and that he needed to go to the Inferno. I guess that Christena is RR's Julie, in the sense that she's always in the middle of the drama. "The Inferno isn't going up against another person," David interviews. "You are what you're essentially going up against. I go to the Inferno, and I will do it up. Shane, you're going home." Cut to Shane, oblivious to David's renewed energy. For what it's worth, I hope David pulls it off.

Next week: I realize that in three seasons, I've never covered a straight-up bungee mission. Anyway, Katie sobs a lot, wiping out Holly's good vibes towards her. Veronica takes it upon herself to holler at Katie from the ground. CT interviews that RW has to step up, and he hopes everybody jumps. Cut to Leah suffering a massive panic attack. How bad? Enough to get shoved into an ambulance. How do you say "medical place" in Spanish?

I miss Timmy. I didn't miss David after Gauntlet 2. I think he peaked in the "scavenger hunt" mission in Challenge 2000, where he chased a cow in order to kiss it, yelling "YOU HAVE NO HEART!!!" It's funnier because of the thick Boston accent. The good news was that this was a prelude to a heroic moment, a point where I thought the season would be halfway decent. I was wrong, of course.

The Inferno Episode 8: Sleep Now in the Fire

Dirty 30 log supplemental: It took seventeen episodes to get from the field of thirty down to six finalists. Established competitive reality shows (for me, Survivor and The Amazing Race) don't go that high. The only one that is still active that I can think of is Big Brother, and that airs three times a week during the summer. Anyway, we get the usual epic marathon final mission (in Argentina), and that would be the point where TJ Lavin ambles in to announce the winners. Except he's not there. He's on the phone, and he tells the gang that the winner will be announced at the Reunion in the U.S. Because if you're going to rip off Survivor, why not go whole hog?

If this wasn't bad enough, it turns out the Reunion will be aired over two weeks. If you're counting, this season will be nineteen episodes long; twenty if you count the preview special. And I wouldn't have that big of a problem if this season wasn't a dud, drowning in so many twists and gimmicks. Also, the winners might prove to be Jordan and Camila. In one episode, Jordan was trying his best in a rap battle, and he told Jemmye that she had "a Down Syndrome face," which turned most of the women in the house against him. Camila topped that a few episodes later with her usual out-of-control tantrum, followed by a racial slur towards Leroy. I'm okay with Jordan in general, because he was probably buzzed, trying to keep up with the others, and is basically a meathead. Camila? She's just the worst. The absolute worst. She's so bad, I've heard Bunim-Murray might keep her out of Challenges following the upcoming Champs vs. Stars.

Bottom line: As much as I like hating upon The Inferno, at least it was reasonably awful. We only had twenty players to start, and a half-hour per episode. And this was the seventh season, so -- aside from Veronica -- familiarity hadn't bred as much contempt as we would have for the likes of Johnny and Camila today. And we had folks like Mike, Coral, and Timmy for reliable entertainment. I miss Timmy since he retired after Inferno 3. He was a book of dad jokes come to life, but he was good people. Anyway, here's an episode with a really sucky Inferno, and Road Rules trying to throw Katie under the bus. Enjoy!! 

Airdate: March 15, 2004
Recap Published: March 22, 2004

This week, we have a grueling endurance mission, a team plotting to lose one member, and two friends forced to fight each other. So why is it so boring?

Previously on The Inferno: Road Rules won Ultimate Saturn Road Trip, beefing up their bank account to $40,000. Voiceover Lady: "Leah sets her sights on Road Rules's bad boy Darrell." First of all, there never was a Leah/Darrell subplot, aside from her telling Julie and Trishelle that she liked him a lot. Secondly... bad boy? I think "incomprehensible boy" fits better. Anyway, she backed her thang up for him on the dance floor. Christena volunteered for the Inferno, but found herself slated to battle her best friend Mallory. Shot of the pier. Who will take the short boat home... tonight?

Credits. In case you've sworn off MTV videos altogether, Yellowcard has one in rotation. "Ocean Avenue" is a little weird, what with the Groundhog Day plot, nuns, and bums. But the song kicks butt, and I'm happy they're not totally dependent on reality "stars" for celebrity.

Villa. Christena and Mallory chat. Christena doesn't know if she'll be able to go back to school in Michigan due to out-of-state tuition costs. She interviews that she met Mallory at the MTV Video Music Awards. "We're unbelievably close because we're one and the same," Christena interviews. She goes on about how she feels on the same team as Mallory, and they playfully trash each other. "I really think it would be difficult to be here without her," Mallory interviews. "I'd rather not go up against my best friend." After enduring the Rachel/Sarah Gauntlet last season, I'm still not moved.

Elsewhere, Leah and Darrell cuddle on a couch. He wishes they were in Acapulco by themselves. Leah interviews that she's been spending a lot of time with Darrell, since he's really sweet and funny. "Leah's a beautiful girl," Darrell interviews. "She likes to come around, kiss, cuddle, hug. I had no idea me and Leah would be doin' what we do." Total segment time: 37 seconds. That was underwhelming.

Mission site. Buckets hang from rafters. Dave welcomes the players to Don't Yank My Chain. There's hooting and hollering, since it's a vaguely veiled self-pleasure reference. Dave lays down the exposition: each team will stand with their arms in the air. Timmy picks things up, explaining that one arm will be through a loop, which is attached to a bucket. Dave tells the players that the arm controls the bucket over the teammate on their right-hand side. The buckets are filled with nacho ingredients: cheese, guacamole, salsa, and sour cream. Very yummy. Veronica is disgusted. "None of the condiments are actually tasty," she interviews, "and you don't want this [bleep] all over yourself." Dave says that when the arm falls, the bucket dumps on a teammate. The team with the last player standing wins $10,000. Mike interviews the obvious, that RW needs to win. Dave adds that the last players from each side will receive the Aztec Lifesaver. Mallory interviews that she plans on getting the AL and staying for a long time.

RR skullduggery. Veronica tells a stretching Christena that she has to win. In fact, if RW loses, the RR members will let Christena win. Veronica interviews that Katie is RR's weakest player, and if Christena wins the AL, then she can put Katie in her place. Shady but effective, especially since RW would never want Katie to be eliminated. "Katie, we're tired of seeing you perform horribly at missions," Shane snots, as we get a flashback to her choking in Birdfeeder. "You solely have carried the team down and lost $10,000. I can't wait to get rid of you so [fake gasp] I can breathe easy at night." Is Katie a scrub? In my mind: yes. Worse than Sarah, even. But the way Shane rips into her... he's being a jerk about it. So shut up, Shane. Suck up to Adam on your own time. Christena: "I feel completely divided, because I know what's best for the team and what's best for my bank account, but Katie is a human being and a nice person."

While the kids’ table plots Katie's immediate demise, Aunt Holly and Uncle Timmy look on. She thinks it's shady, he figures it's strategy. "It's not shady," he jokes, "we're just money-grubbing whores." Looks like somebody's been reading the forums. Holly laughs, but admits she came to win. "The idea of throwing a mission doesn't sit well with me," she interviews. "But you're only as strong as your weakest player. So having Katie here in the end for the final mission could be a detriment to our team." Timmy tells Holly that they can't finish with their entire team intact. They seem to have forgotten about Jeremy already.

Christena pulls Katie aside and lets her in on the plan. Obviously, Christena didn't see Katie's meltdown with Veronica from last season. Katie tells Christena that she figured that out, and interviews that she's pissed. Christena figures that if Katie survives an Inferno, she'll be here for the long haul. Christena interviews that she wants to win the AL fairly. Katie interviews that her game plan is to keep her arms up longer than Christena.

 

Dave gets everybody in position and counts down before blowing the air horn. Coral's t-shirt says "Bitchcakes." Hey, it's better that Julie putting her band's name on her shirt. Everybody is concentrating on the task. David's body starts to blur, thanks to editing. He interviews that he has ligament damage in both elbows, and he injured it again in Climbing Wall. He yanks down the rope, covering Leah with a brown substance. David's time: 25 minutes. "I'm not a quitter," he interviews, "but I'm not gonna sit and fight something I know I'm not gonna win at." Timmy interviews about his "broken-up" elbows from years of football. He nails Kendal with the brown stuff, clocking out at 0:25. Suddenly, Timmy himself is covered in guacamole. He says that Holly pulled her cord at 0:26.

More shots. Darrell pulls his cord, splattering Christena (0:31). Mike yells for Julie to splash him, and she coats him in nasty sour cream (0:32). Shane interviews that his arms are getting weak and he can't hold it. He yanks, sour creaming Katie (0:47). Coral does the same to CT (1:07). Syrus pulls his cord, covering David's back with salsa (1:19). As CT flexes his fingers, he accidentally drenches Mallory in salsa (1:44), but she has enough presence of mind to stay focused.

Dave announces that two hours have gone by. Remaining RR players: Katie, Christena, Abram, Veronica, and Kendal. Remaining RW players: Mallory, Leah, and Mike. Katie interviews that the first five minutes are the hardest, and she's numb after that. Abram doesn't know how she's lasting so long. Veronica tells Christena to breathe and concentrate. Shot of Katie. Shot of Christena. And then... Christena yanks her cord, covering Abram in sour cream. Soundtrack: "Life is sweet, gooooooooood." Christena's time: 2:10. Suddenly, Veronica has guacamole dumped on her. Katie: "I knew that whoever was to my right was gonna get dumped on. I was pretty pleased to know it was Veronica." I don't like Katie, but I do dig the bitterness. Her time: 2:16. She interviews that she was concentrating on beating Christena, and she didn't care anymore. Christena: "Letting her know cost me, because Katie had fire in her eyes to stay, to keep her arms up. Otherwise, she would've been down taking a nap 20 minutes into the thing."

Remaining RR players: Abram, Veronica, Kendal. Remaining RW players: Mallory, Leah, Mike. Elapsed time: 2:30. Julie tells Mallory to focus. Soon, Mallory gives up, yanking her cord (2:42). Sadly, the sour cream doesn't even touch Julie. Mallory interviews that Christena is the last person she wanted to send home. Leah gives up, and Coral gets a torrent of guacamole on her butt (3:09).

Remaining RR players: Abram, Veronica, Kendal. Remaining RW player: Mike. "It's hot," Veronica complains, "I have guacamole dripping... it's like crusting in between my boobs." Thank you for sharing, Veronica. Mike taunts RR, saying he's making them suffer. He nonchalantly moves his hand. Somebody yells. Splash. Mike's eyes big out. Game over... and thank God, because I don't know how much more manufactured suspense I could have taken. Abram tugs his cord, soaking Holly in sour cream. Kendal nails Shane, and RR celebrates their win. Obviously, Mike is disappointed in the loss.

Dave awards $10,000 to RR, upping their bank to $50,000. Kendal says that RR is up, 5-3. Shane: "We're starting a streak here. It's really good." Dave awards the Aztec Lifesavers to Mike (4:24) and Veronica (4:40). He dismisses the players, telling them that he'll see them at nightfall.

The players hit the beach for frolicking. Katie walks and talks with Mike and Kendal. "They were all going to let Christena win so that she can send me into the Inferno," she interviews. "I had to step up, so I did, and I'm more proud of myself than I thought I could be." How long will this feeling last? Not long, I reckon.

Villa. Christena and Mallory get in some last-minute bonding. Mallory interviews that it will be difficult for either person to stay without the other. She tells Christena that there's nobody she'd rather lose to than her. Christena admits she's scared to go home. They agree that whoever wins will stay on and not go through another Inferno. Christena: "Going against your friend in the Inferno is probably the worst scenario possible, because one of you is going home." Gee, I didn't get the message. It's only been hammered into my skull about fifty times already.

Inferno site. Dave introduces the players to this week's Inferno: Noise Pollution. The objective: each player stands on a two-foot platform, listening to annoying sounds on headphones. The player that lasts the longest gets to stay. Dave: "The loser will pack his bags and leave tonight." Dave? It's Ladies Night – the loser will pack her bags. I miss Jonny Moseley. If there's a tie after two hours, the players will stand on four-inch blocks... while balancing on one leg. What's the point? I mean, what is the sense of making the girls listen to loud sounds when it really comes down to balance? Dave asks the two Aztec Lifesaver holders if they want to sacrifice themselves. Obviously, Mike and Veronica turn him down.

 

After Christena and Mallory strap on their headphones, Dave bangs the gong to gets things started. I like the gong. Immediately, the ladies are bombarded by noise and bright flashing lights. Christena jokes about not going to sleep afterwards. Mallory interviews that she doesn't like the loud ringing, but she'll stick with it. Elapsed time: 47 minutes. Neither player is too distressed. Timmy whips out a somewhat bad Howard Cossell impression. I'll let him slide, since you don't hear that impression anymore and because he's Timmy. Time elapsed: one hour, 32 minutes. Christena calls this "nerve-wracking." A baby cries, and it is driving Mallory insane. Abram: "It's like babies crying at the same time that a cat is being strangled while there's a chainsaw going. It's [bleeping] bizarre." Draw your own conclusions about Abram.

After two hours, the ladies take a break. Christena has a little drool coming from her mouth. Dave shows us the "sudden death block," which is small indeed, and cancels out the whole concept of noise tolerance. Mike reminds us that the players will be balancing on the block while listening to the noise.

Gong. Both players try to balance. Mallory: "This really is the worst feeling ever, because I'm focusing so hard on just trying to stay on top, and I really want to stay here." Just then, a siren goes off, and Mallory stumbles after 40 seconds of sudden-death time. Game over. Christena's victory sets off a huge RR celebration. "She hung in there like a champ," CT interviews of Mallory. "She did what she could. It's all we ask of her." Katie is glad that Christena won, since she had apologized for earlier events. Christena: "You feel bad for sending the person home, and you want to celebrate for winning, but the reason I was enjoying myself here was because of her." Mallory interviews that she wanted to stay, but she's excited that Christena gets to stay. A graphic shows that RW has lost three members, while RR has lost just one. David laments over losing players and missions.

Farewells. Mallory gets goodbye hugs from her teammates, and is escorted to the short boat by Leah, Christena, and Julie. I'm beginning to hate Julie popping up in the departures. "I'm gonna miss a lot of people on this challenge," Mallory interviews. "I couldn't say enough good things about everyone, and I just feel very lucky that I had the opportunity to meet all these people." Mallory sails away into the night. Christena: "To see her go home is sad, but this is about winning at the end."

So why did this episode bite? Too much emphasis on endurance, for one thing. The players went through a combined six hours of doing barely anything. For another thing, the mission was a rehash of the bucket challenge from Survivor: Africa. Also, I feel that the editors are trying too hard to sell Katie as this season's Sarah. Maybe it's the huge pro-Sarah bias, but Katie doesn't measure up in my eyes. Sarah tried her hardest, while Katie can't get it out of first gear. Also, Sarah never made a spectacle of herself protesting her team sending her into the Gauntlet time and time again. Whether Katie can survive her upcoming outburst remains to be seen.

Next week: The kids sell stuff to cruise ship passengers. Now they're ripping off The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, and The Mole. Anyway, while CT prances in a pink bikini and I seek to gouge out my eyeballs, a very cranky David threatens to smack everybody. 

I still wasn't Team Katie at this point. Also, notice that I'm not hating on Holly and Christena. Sadly, they would change in a few episodes. Also, we would get a much worse Inferno in four weeks' time. I mean, the stakes were greater and I loved the outcome, but it was so lame.

Mallory turned out to be a one-and-done Challenger. She wound up going into modeling for a few years, including appearances in Sports Illustrated's "Swimsuit Issue" in 2005-2006. I found this after searching online. While I'm thinking about it: why do readers get the prices of the swimsuit when the magazine knows damn well few women would be looking at it? I'm not bugged by that, just mildly bemused.

Finally . . . I mentioned "Ocean Avenue" early in the recap, so why not show it here? The story is a nice riff off Run, Lola, Run. "Way Away" resonated more for me, but this is pretty good.