The following is the rough, incomplete draft of my recap of the first episode of The Challenge: All Stars. It is long. It is detailed. I wound up stopping right when the mission started. I'm working on shorter recaps because that's how things are done these days. Who knows? Maybe I'll have this season recapped right before the second onestarts streaming.
Special thanks to Shannon Healy for her feedback.
I am so
weak.
I had a
plan. I was going to recap the “O.G.” edition of The Challenge, because
I covered a lot of the names involved. Then it was announced that the series
(now titled All Stars) would be streaming on Paramount+. And so, here I
am, subscribing to a service just for the one series. I’m on the 30-day free
trial, but I know that I’ll probably watch long after that. It’s a testament to
the reality television model of Bunim-Murray Productions: keep bringing back
the same people season after season, weaving an ongoing tapestry for those who
don’t go for soap operas or professional wrestling. I keep saying that I wish I
could quit the franchise, but, once again, I am so weak. Well, at least I’m
writing again. Mostly because I crave validation too much.
Right.
Moving on . . .
Title
card: “MTV Entertainment Studios.” Audio: The “MTV” from “Money for Nothing” by
Dire Straits. Make your own comment about how MTV hasn’t been about music in
forever,
Mountains. Majestic music. Voice of TJ Lavin: “The
Challenge is the most thrilling competition series ever created.” Not bad
for a show that started with putting kids on a pair of RVs. Cue the highlights
from the series’ history. There’s Derrick and Joss playing Pole Wrestle in Vendettas.
I still think Derrick won because Joss wound up getting distracted by departed
love ones beckoning him towards a bright light. It was that brutal. Teege: “The
victories are monumental.” There’s
the Road Rules team getting their check for $150,000 in The Inferno.
Teege congratulates Darrell and Aviv for winning Fresh Meat. “And the
defeats are devasting.” Cut to Eric Banks, aka “Big Easy,” gasping for breath
in the finale of Gauntlet III. I think the bright light was there for
Easy that day. As for context: Just do a search for “Challenge, Gauntlet, trim
the fat.” It was that messed up. I’m just thankful they didn’t go for Coral
almost dying of a
spider bite in The Gauntlet.
TJ: “We
have chosen the best of the best. The all-stars of the game.” Uh huh. That
would’ve been debatable before the pandemic and protective quarantine measures.
Teege goes on about testing these all stars like they never have before. Yadda
yadda, yadda, more historical highlights. “The time has come to see who is the
greatest amongst all these legends, and who still has what it takes . . . because
in order to be the best, you’ve got to beat the best.” Ah, yes. The Tao of Ric
Flair. More highlights lead to a CGI mountain and the title card: “MTV THE
CHALLENGE: ALL STARS.”
Mountains.
Clouds swirling around mountains. According to Wikipedia, these are the Andes
Mountains in Argentina. I don’t think that’s mentioned in this episode.
Overhead shot of a bus going down a dirt road. It’s time for some
introductions. Names will be put in bold during each person’s first interview.
The
door opens up, and we get one of my favorite highlights from my “tenure”: the
episode from The Inferno where Katie curses out Veronica and comes close
to killing her. In Katie’s defense, Veronica had been asking for it for
most of that season. Cut to present day Katie Cooley (nee Doyle). She tells us about how she got two black eyes
in Cutthroat the last time we saw her. Cue the clip of her trying to
dive to a platform, only to smack her face against it. “Back then, I was known
to be a little feisty.” There she is, going nuts with a plunger that was left
on her bed in The Ruins (easily one of the most awful seasons you can watch).
She interviews about being married with a kid. We get a picture of her family.
It’s always going to be weird imagining Challengers – either long-time veterans
or one-shots – getting hitched and reproducing. At least for me. She wraps up,
telling us she’s got a social game ready.
Next
up: Mark Long. In case you didn’t know, he was the one pushing for an
“O.G.” version of The Challenge for years. I wound up turning on him
from Battle
of the Sexes 2 onward, but I’m glad that his dream came true. Highlight
of him holding court over the men’s team in the first Battle of the Sexes.
Highlight from the original All-Stars that aired in 1999. Hey, that’s Neil
from RW: London! You know, the guy that got his tongue bit off! Past and
present, Mark flexes. He’s still good at that. “I don’t care if it’s the 1990’s
or if it’s 2021,” he interviews. “I am still coming in at six-foot-three-and-a
half, 220 pounds of twisted steel.” Montage of present-day Mark working out.
People made rank on him for wanting to compete even though he’s probably older
than the preferred demographic, but I’m sure he could have come into Double
Agents to whup the asses of guys less than half his age. “I have a size 15
shoe, and I’m ready to jam it up someone’s ass!” Thanks for sharing!
Highlight
from the Gauntlet 2 finale where Alton Williams finds out that
his team had won. Tangent: worst final mission EVER. The present-day
version notes that he’s made it to three finals. Cut
to a highlight of him handling Danny Dias with ease in Beach Brawl. This
would be funnier If Danny hadn’t died recently. Turns out Alton has a
seven-year-old daughter and five-year-old son. “This season,” he adds, “I’m on
a mission with no permission.” Huh?
Slipping
on the bus steps and laughing about it: Jisela Delgado. Given that she
was the first person voted off from Road Rules (The Quest) and
that she’s only done four missions in each of the three seasons she’s done, I’m
not expecting much from her. As Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time” kicks
in, she interviews that she’s now 40. Characters making me feel old is probably
going to be a running gag played on me with this show. Jisela: “Do we . . . do
we do that? Let’s not even do that. Back to me being 25!” I forgot to mention
that during interview segments, each player have graphics showing past titles
and finals appearances. For Jisela: “6 Daily Challenge Wins.” No. No, she does
not, at least by my definitions. Cut to her basically giving Ruthie her win in
Reverse Tug-of-War in Gauntlet 2, and TJ being very disappointed
in her. In the present-day, she tells us that she’s a mom now, but she’s come
to win “this damn money.” We get a slow-motion shot of her walking. She still
has it. So very hot. That’s all I gotta say for now.
Here
comes an old favorite of mine: Syrus Yarbrough. He’s done five seasons,
and he won Extreme Challenge. That was before eliminations were brought
in, but I can vouch that he was good there. Clips of him struggling on ropes
and wrestling Laterrian. He interviews that people will think he used to be a
beast. “I’m here to show people that-” he adds, looking to the side for effect.
“I just don’t want to win. I expect to win.”
Walking
on the path in a fancy dress is Trishelle Cannatella. This one annoyed me
back in the day. She interviews how she walked off her last season, Rivals
II. I imagine Sarah Rice (the partner that had to go home because there wasn’t
a replacement available) throwing a brick at her TV, or whatever device she’s
watching on. If she watches it. Which I doubt. Back to Trishelle: “I would say
that I’m about 50/50 Challenge badass and Challenge quitter.”
More
shots from people we’ll get to see soon. Another shot of the mountains. The
players walk into a clearing to find TJ Lavin waiting for them. I’m
happy to report his title here is “Host.” This is opposed to Double Agents,
where he’s a “Handler,” because spy theme. Everyone sits down on stumps. Behind
them: what look to be wood carvings of each player. Maybe they come with
whatever “swag bag” they get for showing up. It just feels like a bit of
“extra,” though I like it.
Teege
welcomes everyone back to The Challenge. Everyone cheers. Teck is
wearing a striking red hat he looks to have bought just for this occasion. Or it
could be an everyday hat. He always went for style points. “You all are the
best of the best,” TJ adds. “The legends, and the all-stars of this game.” Cut
to Mark grinning, his vision finally being realized. Cut to Ruthie. I saw her in
person with the short hair a few years ago, and it really works for her.
“You started this. You made The Challenge what it is today.” TJ piles on
the hype, giving this season the title “All Stars.” I don’t know why there’s no
hyphen. The players whoop it up. Cut to a shot of Laterrian not smiling. The editors
have decided this will be a thing this episode. TJ tells them they have no idea
what’s in store for them. Cue the montage of future highlights of the players
doing the usual hardcore stuff that’s inflicted in the “regular” Challenge.
TJ
continues: “Those past relationships that you’ve had will either help you or
hurt you in this game.” We pan up to Nehemiah looking shook. Maybe he’s seeing
the future with Beth making him want to die? TJ specifies that this will be an
individual game, though there will be missions (they’re called “challenges” on
the show these days; I might be too old-school) where they will be put on teams
or partnered with each other. And then TJ lays out the giant carrot: only one
player will be walking away with $500,000. The players love this; even though
it’s not near the $1 million currently hyped on Double Agents, it’s far
from chump change. Cut to interview with Darrell Taylor, four-time
winner and awesome commentator. “This ain’t no damn jolly reunion,” he tells
us. “I think everyone gonna be ready to cut anybody and everybody at any time.”
TJ tells the players to get moved in, and that he’ll see them soon. Jemmye
Carroll interviews that you don’t have to be a champ to be legendary, and
she is one of those players. “The Challenge started out as adult summer
camp,” she continues, “but that is not The Challenge anymore. A lot of
these ‘legends’ have never played for $500,000. This is a whole new game, and I
don’t think they’re ready for it.”
Cut to
one of the most time-honored tropes in The Challenge: moving into an
unbelievably awesome pad. It’s a feeling that goes all the way back to the
original Real World in 1992. Because BMP has stepped up their soundtrack
game in the past few years, they bring out “The Boys Are Back in Town” by Thin
Lizzy. Naturally, everyone is excited, even if they’ve done this so many times
before. Gold-colored helmets hang on the wall with each player’s name on them.
Derrick dusts his helmet off. Crests are mounted, each representing a prior
season. Mark giddily goes over some of them with Nehemiah. Teck: “Oh, shit, my
name’s on the wall!” Sure enough, their names are bolted to the wall. I’m
thinking that once this season wraps up, the house could be moved to the U.S.
and be used as a museum. Oh, and there’s no bleeping on streamed television.
I’ll need time to get used to that.
We move
on to Beth Stolarczyk, someone I don’t want to get used to. Turns out
she’s got a quote of hers on the wall: “I don’t kiss ass I kick ass and if you
don’t watch it, I’ll kick your ass.” First: this quote from Gauntlet 3
(wasn’t that in Roman numerals?) could have used a few more commas. Secondly,
Beth has never been a kicker of ass. So much bark, so little bite. “I’ll have
to live up to my quote,” she tells Syrus, one of the few people I’ve seen that
can stand her for long periods. She interviews about her last appearance being Gauntlet
III. Cut to her in the Gauntlet wrestling Coral in the sand, where she lost.
“I’m known for being the underdog,” she continues, keeping a straight face.
“For some reason, the women never like me.” I could probably devote 2-3
paragraphs to why she grates, but I’m running long as it is. Here are links to
my Inferno
II and Gauntlet
2 recaps. She adds that she has two allies: Syrus (a guy who’s chill
enough to like everyone) and her “Tenderoni.”
Cut to
her calling out for her “Tenderoni” from the balcony. She means Nehemiah
Clark, who genuinely looks shook being reminded of that. “Oh, my Lord,” he
mutters as he comically looks away. Basically, they flirted with each other in The
Duel, and I questioned his sanity because of that. He tells her that he’s
got a new cuddle buddy, which I take is his new roommate, Laterrian. They
confirm what I’ve known for a while: Beth is married. “I’m irresistible,”
Nehemiah concludes, and he and Laterrian share a laugh. Nehemiah interviews
about The Duel, and we get to see them fool around a little. “Out of all
that I’ve done,” he continues, “In my whole history of The Challenge,
that’s the one thing that everybody remembers!”
Night.
Here’s a fan favorite that hasn’t been around in forever: Yes. Yes, “Yes” is
his name. His parents loved the band. He’s talking to Ace Amerson and
Kendal about being “strong for the old people.” They compare birth years. Once
again, I feel so old. Kendal says she was born in 1980, leading Ace to call her
“about the hottest 40-year-old ever.” She hugs him on the bed for being a giant
ball of cheese to her. “I’m just curious to see how much evil comes out for
[$500,000],” he drawls. “There’s going to be some shady shit going on here.” He
adds, “You can never underestimate the power of greed.” This is going to be a
theme for him in this episode. He interviews about his last appearance being Inferno
3, and that his team came in second place. The joke is that the season had
only had two teams, and he was a part of the Good Guys squad that fell to the
Bad Asses. Given the rest of his “career” leading up to that season, that
counted as going out on a high note. “Back in my day,” he adds, “the stakes
weren’t as high. These people before could kill each other for a scooter. I
don’t know what they’re gonna do for half-a-million dollars.” Ah, memories.
Mental note: check to see which seasons offered scooters as prizes.
Elsewhere,
Nehemiah and Syrus are shooting the shit with Laterrian Wallace. Syrus
assures Nehemiah that he isn’t nervous about what is to come. “This is normal
shit.” Laterrian also denies being nervous. Cut to his introduction: he is a
personal trainer in Southern California. “Some of these people,” he continues,
“might think of me as a silent assassin.” No, man. No, you are not. At least
not to me. Flashback to The Gauntlet, where
Alton smoked him in Pole Climb. To be fair, Alton could – and probably
still can – climb mountains using his bare hands. “I’m here for redemption,” he
adds. “I’m not here to lose. I’m not here to go home. I’m here to bust ass and
win.” Nehemiah tells Syrus that the individual competitions – as opposed to
team-based seasons that Syrus competed in – are “a different world.” “This
game,” he continues, “is a political game jut as much as anything.” Laterrian
claims not to have thought of that. He lightly snaps at Nehemiah. “I’m not
worried about that,” he concludes. #Foreshadowing
Lightning
effects! New day! Players outside meditating, exercising and yoga posing. Ace
adjusts his socks on a bench. There’s a stray cat nearby. I like seeing random
stuff like that.
Cut to
the players walking down a path. Jisela confesses that doing her first mission
in fifteen years is scary. She asks, “What if it has absolutely nothing to do
with anything that I know?” Looks like someone hasn’t been watching recent
seasons.
Mission
site. We got cubes being held down under water, each with a number on it, and
there are math questions posted on a long pedestal. That reminds me: if Cory
Wharton (from The Challenge and Teen Mom) ever comes at you with
intent to harm? Show him a math textbook. It’s almost guaranteed to ward him
off. Same goes for Nicole Zanatta, but you didn’t hear that from me. TJ sternly
stands by as the players get up on the platform.
Teege
welcomes everyone to their first All Stars mission: Deep Blue Dive. The
player will be split into two teams of eleven via random selection. Each get
their own colors: Copper and Silver. In the clear blue water (they don’t say if
this is a lake), there is a “mine field” of puzzle pieces, each one with a
number on it. Each piece is colored either copper or silver, corresponding with
the teams. On the back of the platform are equations. It’s along the lines of “34 x __ = 408”; not
tough if you’re doing it at home, but a pain if you throw in swimming in cold
water. The teams are to solve the equations, and then go out and retrieve the
appropriate-numbered pieces, one player at a time. The bigger the number, the
further out and deeper they are. Each person must go out to retrieve at least
once. If a player fails to get a puzzle piece, that person must tag someone
else in to do the job, and a five-minute penalty is incurred. Sign that I am
“Old School”: I got excited about that. Brings me back to the time where
screw-ups meant the slowest time in a mission, with minutes added on to that.
Once all the numbers are retrieved and lined up, teams will have to solve the
final equation. First team to solve the equation (“properly,” TJ adds) wins.
Cue the production team plugging in Teege saying lines after the fact: “This
challenge is unlike any other diving challenge you’ve done before. The water is
colder, the dive is deeper, and the blocks are heavier.”
Cut
back to on-site TJ, as he adds that each team with have two captains. The
captains on the winning team will have power. The captains on the losing team?
“Well, let’s just say don’t lose,” TJ snarks.
The
teams have been determined. The editors don’t tell us viewers how they were divided.
Luckily, Wikipedia has your back.
|
Copper
|
Silver
|
|
Ace
|
Arissa
|
|
Alton
|
Beth
|
|
Aneesa
|
Big Easy
|
|
Derrick
|
Darrell
|
|
Jonna
|
Jemmye
|
|
Katie
|
Jisela
|
|
KellyAnne
|
Kendal
|
|
Laterrian
|
Nehemiah
|
|
Mark
|
Teck
|
|
Ruthie
|
Trishelle
|
|
Syrus
|
Yes
|
On the
Copper side, Derrick figures that the captain on the winning team would get to
decide who goes into elimination, and that the losing captain would be forced
into that situation. Laterrian asks if anyone wants to step up. Long pause.
Laterrian decides that he does not give a fuck, and that he’ll take the role.
Mark
asks the women who will be captain from their number. Long pause. Ruthie
probably tried to repress the memory of her captaincy on the Veterans team in Gauntlet
2, which ended when she got dragged by Beth in Reverse Tug-Of-War. Aneesa
Ferreira interviews about having the most experience. “I’m not going to be
captain,” she tells us. If we win or lose? [shrugging] Not my problem.” KellyAnne
Judd declares that’s she’ll do it if the team has her back. They agree. She
interviews that she’s put up with a lot of crap in the past, and that she’s
done well making a name for herself, Flashbacks to her in past competitions
none of which are labeled. “I don’t think being 34 has changed that fire inside
of me,” she adds. “I am known for being a formable wild card.” Scene from Battle
of the Bloodlines, where she screeches while sticking her head in a box of
insects. She tells us that she’ll take a risk now rather than later on in the
game.
Silver
Team. Jisela is taking the lead in the group huddle. Apparently, she already
has ideas on how to do this mission, and she is good being captain. She asks
which guy will join her. Teck decides to step up. His last season was Challenge
2000, so you must figure he’s had two decades to rest up for this moment.
“I need you guys to remember,” she interviews, “that my Challenges were
us doing ‘sugar cookies’ in the sand!” No flashback to Sergeant
Says from Battle of the Sexes, but the reference makes me smile. She
adds that this mission is “so crazy and death-defying.” “All I keep telling
myself,” she tells us, “is that this can’t be real. This can’t be life.” Silver
does a group cheer.
Over on
Copper, Alton interviews that his team has strong players like Derrick, Ace,
Mark Long (it’s acceptable to use his full name), KellyAnne, and Jonna “This is
gonna be a good team.” On Silver, Eric “Big Easy” Banks forces a smile,
interviewing that Copper has “a stacked deck of cards,” while Silver resembles
the Bed News Bears. I’ll give Easy credit for dropping the weight he had during
his previous stints on The Challenge, but I’m surprised he’s here given
that he gave up in Battle Of The Seasons [2012]. “Thou Shalt Give Thy
All And Not Quit” would be high on Teege’s list of Commandments. Also, as seen
in earlier, he almost died in the Gauntlet III finale. If anyone needs
redemption, it’s Easy.
TJ
blows his airhorn (another fun tradition that seldom gets addressed), and the
teams start off by looking at the equations. First one we see: “247 ÷ 19 = __”
I have a B.S. in math, but I’m going to try and cut these people some slack.
Silver studies the numbers, with Yes Duffy scrutinizing the hardest. He
interviews that his last Challenge was eighteen years ago. That would be Battle
Of The Sexes. Flashback to Yes getting ready to skydive in the Challenge
2000 finale. He tells us that he’s now a career-driven architect. Photo of
him with wife and two sons. It looks like he’s barely aged at all. “I’m a state
math champion,” he adds. “Hopefully, I can help carry this team all the way to
the finish.”
Both
sides continue studying. Beth complains that they can’t write anything down, so
she’s trying to do the math in her head. “I feel like I’m losing my mind right
now!” Over at Copper, Alton goes out into the water to retrieve the first
piece. Quick cuts take us to the first commercial break. I know, this is a
streaming deal. I’m putting the commercial for 16 & Pregnant in
there with my mind.
Coming
back, Alton swims out, while Mark reviews the rules of Deep Blue Dive for those
. . . coming in late? Randomly streaming? On Silver, Beth solves the math
problem (13), and she goes off to get the puzzle piece. “Don’t Sweat the
Technique” by Eric B. & Rakim plays as she passes Alton carrying his piece.
Slow-motion shot of him majestically swimming Aneesa interviews about how Alton’s
physique screams “I can do anything.” Is that a new symptom of COVID?
While
Alton pulls his piece to shore, Beth . . . isn’t putting in much of an effort.
This is one of her many, many, MANY faults as a player. “I really don’t like
being cold,” she interviews, trying not to laugh. She swims back to shore,
floating on her back and kicking. That isn’t a backstroke. The soundtrack goes
whimsical as her teammates call out that she’s going the wrong way. Because
Beth. The sad thing is that her technique resembles that of Lolo Jones in her
last mission in Double Agents before she quit. I don’t know if you’ve
heard, but she’s an Olympic athlete. No, really. Check her Wikipedia entry.
She seldom brought it up on the show.
Meanwhile
on Copper, the players see that the answer from the puzzle piece Alton
retrieved can be plugged into the next equation. Beth returns, earning Silver a five-minute penalty. Darrell rushes
into the water to make up the difference. Further out, Derrick Kosinski
dive for a piece, but he rushes back to the surface. He interviews: “If you
thought TJ and the Challenge Gods were just gonna bring a bunch of
35-plus-year-olds and take it easy on us?” Cut to him running with his piece.
“You are sadly mistaken!” For those new to the series: “Challenge Gods” are a
thing on this show. I think they’re like the “Survivor Gods,” only they’re
awesome with drinking and hooking up.
. . . . and that's when I wound up bailing. Keeping the Mighty Big TV/Television Without Pity style is tough, especially when I don't hve as much time to write as I did back in the old days. Once again: I'm working on making things shorter, punchier, and more readable.
