Inferno II Episode 14: Got Crabs?

Previously on Inferno II: CT schemed to get rid on Dan in order to get a bigger cut of the Bad Ass bank. According to the voiceover artist, Dan led his team to defeat in the If Memory Serves mission. Come on, that was a team defeat. The Good Guys’ win upped their bank to $60,000. Landon and Dan were picked to go into the final men’s Inferno. Dan was sad, since he had a fifty percent chance of going home.

Daytime at the Villa. Dan tells Derrick that he’s not upset over recent developments, since he saw this coming from day one. “I’m not ready to slit someone’s throat to win $10,000,” Dan continues. “When I’m faced with people who are, I’m always at a disadvantage.” He interviews that his priorities are different, and he’s not out to prove himself. Derrick think it’s all about heart, and that Landon is a baby. I’m guessing Derrick secretly wants to fight Landon in an legalized setting. Dan is happy to face Landon in the Inferno. “I’ve already won one of these fair and square,” he interviews, “and I won pretty easy.” Once again...you beat Jon. Jon. Is that something you can honestly brag about?

Outside, Landon’s on the cell phone. Maybe he’s talking to Shavonda’s boyfriend. He interviews that everybody is afraid of the Inferno. But just for the hell of it, he tells Darrell that if he wins the Aztec Lifeshield, Darrell would go in his place. Darrell seems all right with this, as Landon tells us that he’d want Darrell ready just in case. But Darrell interviews that he’s not going to roll over for Landon.

Sponsor clue. Tina reads it off: catch the bus at 10:30 a.m., wear team colors and swimsuits. Oh, and “don’t get caught in a pinch.” Shavonda tells us that she thinks her team of five is strong.

Night turns to day. Dan packs up his stuff. CT asks him who he’d send should he win the Lifeshield.. “Your mother,” Dan retorts. “Think she’ll fly up?” CT threatens to put Dan in a headlock, then asks again. Dan: “Translation: ‘Dan, how does this affect me?’” CT still bugs Dan, thinking he’d go in since Dan doesn’t like him. Dan denies it, interviews that CT isn’t concerned about his faith in the game, but only about himself. Gee, you think?

Mission site. Dave welcomes everybody to today’s mission: Crab Grab. In this challenge, players will get buried up to their necks, while crabs run around them. Shavonda and Jamie scream in terror (or mock terror...it’s hard to tell with these people). Cut to crabs scuttling around, and one backing up, ready to pinch.

Back from commercials, Dave doles out the exposition: the players go into pits with their feet stretched out and sitting on their hands. The objective is to get out of the sand as quickly as possible, run to the shoreline, collect ten crabs from a bin (taking one trip at a time), then drop them off in crates. Teammates can assist each other getting out of the sand, but not with the crab collection. The players from each team that complete their mission the fastest receive Aztec Lifeshields. The team that finishes first wins $10,000 for their bank account.

The Good Guys figure out how to get out of the pits. Mike suggest that the first person out helps the others, and Landon likes the idea. He interviews that he wants the Lifeshield, but he thinks teammates will help each other. Darrell wants to play by ear, interviews that he knows he’ll be the first one out, since his butt is on the line.

We switch over to the Bad Asses. Veronica repeats the notion of helping others out. Tina adds that the team is only as fast as their slowest player, and this is not an individual competition. CT asks Dan what he will do. Dan snaps, telling CT to stop asking about the Lifeshield, and to stop being selfish. Both guys star to snipe at each other, as their teammates try to break it up. Tina doesn’t think this needs to happen now. CT barks that everything will be solved if Dan helps the girls. Once again, Dan denies the desire to go for the Lifeshield. CT repeats “Are you gonna help us or not?” three times. Dan accuses CT of picking a fight. More bickering, and the Good Guys look on. Jamie: “Awesome.” Dan claims he doesn’t need the money, he isn’t afraid of the Inferno, and he would be sad to leave. CT stomps around, bitching that Dan can’t beat him. Dan replies that CT is scared. And guess what? More arguing.

Meanwhile, Jamie and Shavonda snipe at each other playfully. How did those two get to be so funny? Especially Shavonda. They snap over pit placement, getting into their roles. Jamie: “What about ME, Shavonda?” Shavonda: “Nobody cares!” Ah, I bet the hatred will start in when MTV airs a Real World: Philadelphia marathon. But until then? Brava, Shavonda!

Back to the main event, Dan tries to reason with CT. Big mistake. CT tries to invoke the “two for flinching” move on Dan, but Dan doesn’t budge. Sorry, CT...Dan isn’t some random drunk guy in Paris you can intimidate. Once again, Dan claims not to have a problem. Rachel interviews that she can’t believe she’s seeing this before the mission. CT wipes his feet, muttering about how he had the game “unlocked” since the first day. “I don’t want you to be my fucking friend,” he grumbles. “Like, I’ll ever see you again. You kidding me?” Dan doesn’t respond, looking tired from the tongue-lashing. “Maybe if I get out of the hole faster,” he interviews, “I’ll run over to his hole, bury him under some more sand, and hope he smothers!”

Dave orders the players in their holes. The kids stretch their legs out in front while sitting on their hands. Referees come in to drop sand on them. Mike tells one to watch his face. Some of the girls freak out, and Shavonda gets nailed on her chest. More plopping. Now the players are buried up to their necks. Landon is happy. Derrick is not, since he feels claustrophobic. Landon tells us he’ll go for the Lifeshield, but he’ll get his team out first. Darrell: “I got bees flyin’ around my head. I got itches on my nose, ear, right eye, left eye. I can’t breathe, but I’m gonna bust through this shit like the Incredible Hulk.” Now the referees place crabs near the players’ heads. Tonya screams that this wasn’t part of the deal. Mike puckers up to his crab. A referee puts a crab closer to Tonya. The girl can’t win, can she? While she’s screaming, Dave makes a funny face to the camera. He’s so loving this, isn’t he?

Dave blows his whistle, starting the mission. The players struggle to get out. Darrell is the first to break out, while Landon pushing sand to the side. CT and Dan lift themselves out. Darrell gets out, going straight for the crabs. He deposits his first crab, interviewing that he’s not going to bow down and get sent to the Inferno. Landon gets free, seeking to get Jamie out. Darrell comes back to dig Mike out. CT gets free before working with Tonya. Dan interviews that he would want to make CT’s life more miserable, but Rachel isn’t moving at all. Of course not...because she stinks in missions. Anyway, Dan digs Rachel out, while CT and Abram double-team Tonya by her arms. The players run around. CT interviews that he’s going for the crabs and not wasting any time.

Dan is still trying to get Rachel out. Shavonda needs Mike and Landon’s help, Derrick and Dan work on Rachel. Darrell drops off another crab. Veronica grabs a crab. Derrick and Dan are still stuck with Rachel, and Abram joins them. Note to Good Guys...if Rachel isn’t nominated next week, I will be angry. That’s a guaranteed win right there. Dan interviews that if he doesn’t get Rachel out, the team won’t win the team, and that will be $10,000 less to share after he wins the Inferno. Finally, Rachel gets dug out.

The players grab crabs. Shavonda walks out to the bin. Mike is upset, interviews that none of the Bad Asses will be walking. More grabbing. Veronica tries to grab a crab, but she keeps hesitating. That’s right...Veronica cannot handle crabs. It’s the easiest joke of the day! She interviews about being scared of being pinched. Cut to one crab backing up with claws up, all, “Yeah, I know who you are! I dare you to grab me! Come on!” Veronica: “I really feel they’re staring me down and about to attack.”

More running. Darrell wins the Aztec Lifeshield for the Good Guys. Landon cusses, kicking sand in disgust. Shavonda walks before breaking into a jog. CT wins the Lifeshield for his team. Abram yells at Tina to run faster. Shavonda runs to the crabs. She interviews that she is not good with long distances and endurance. “This challenge,” she adds, “sucks my ass.” Veronica is still struggling with the crabs. Both girls run to the finish line. Can you feel the manufactured tension?

Getting back from commercials, Shavonda drops off the last crab, winning the mission for the Good Guys. Everybody exchanges tired high-fives. Landon asks Darrell about getting everybody out. Darrell responds that he didn’t want to go to the Inferno. On the other side, Veronica apologizes for lagging. “It sucks to realize,” she interviews, “that you should’ve done better, and if you did a little bit better, your team would have won.” Lord, let this be foreshadowing.

Landon is still bellyaching about possibly losing the mission thanks to Darrell. Mike adds that he didn’t think Darrell would bail on his team like that. Landon goes on about counting on others. The pair calm down, realizing that they are tied with the Bad Asses at $70,000 apiece. I’m loving the close competition this season. Landon interviews that he felt cheated by Darrell going for the crabs right away. Elsewhere, Derrick thinks it serves the Good Guys right for scheming to put Darrell in the Inferno. Darrell notes that Landon was being honest, but he still didn’t like it. He interviews that the team won the mission, and Landon should stop his crying. He adds, “You got to move forward and try to progress.” Not quote-worthy, until you realize he said it “prah-gress.” Not exactly “Infuorno” or “poorlest,” but it will do.

Dave awards the Aztec Lifeshield to Darrell, who gets a hand from his teammates except Landon. Dave notes that he will ask Darrell if he’ll save Landon tonight. Dave gives the second Lifeshield to CT, joking about him possibly helping Dan. Finally, Dave awards the $10,000 to the Good Guys, and Shavonda grabs the check. Dave has fun with the tied totals, while Derrick makes a gun motion to his head. Of course, Mike has to ruin it by interviewing, “Tie ball game, bitches!”

Sunset. Inferno. The players assemble on the second floor. Dave welcomes them to the last men’s Inferno. He brings out “Dan the Man.” He strikes a pose, as his teammates chant “Danimal! Danimal!” Dave calls out Landon, and he gets a round from his team. Darrell tries to counter “Danimal” with “Lando Commando,” but it ain’t as catchy. Dave asks CT if he’ll save Dan. Once again, CT refuses to help a guy out. Dave asks Darrell if he would bail Landon out. Darrell thinks that Landon has got it.

Dave tells the players about tonight’s event: Pegged. Remember the pegs when you were in junior high, where you used arm strength to pull yourself up? Well, I don’t, because I sucked in gym. But that’s the deal tonight, as the players have to take any route to the top. First player to the top gets to stay, while the loser not only goes home, but also gets no share of the money.

Preparations. Abram thinks Dan will do surprisingly well, adding, “Landon, we’re not too scared of you, buddy.” Shavonda interviews that Landon will have no problems at all. Speaking of Landon, he huffs and puffs at the start. Dan jokes about him pacing like a tiger. “Toss him a steak or something,” he interviews. “Here, gnaw on this!”

Dan bangs his gong to get things started. Both players climb up, sticking pegs in holes and pulling themselves up. Hands tremble as the competitors move to the side of the course. Darrell: “It’s like a damn tie. What the fuck? Come on, Landon, come on. I want you to come back.” Landon interviews that he knows he’s neck-and-neck with Dan, and he has to make a move. Sure enough, Landon propels himself onward, while Dan struggles with peg placement. In the end, Landon pulls himself up, grabbing the flag at the top. Game Over. The Good Guys applaud, while Dan can only smile as Abram gives him praise. Yeah...Abram didn’t crap on Dan. Go figure. The Bad Asses clap for Dan...even CT. Is this the Twilight Zone? “Dan is definitely a stronger, better player than some of the guys that are here in the end,” Tina interviews. “It’s a bad loss and it’s a sad loss. Dan deserves to be here in the end.”

Denouement. Dave congratulates Landon for his victory, sending him back to the Good Guys. Mike: “COME HERE, BIG BOY!” If it were me, I’d run to the exit. Landon interviews that he has a chance to win $150,000, and he’ll carry momentum to the final mission.

As the Good Guys head downstairs, Dave tells Dan that he can say his goodbyes. Part of me wishes that one of them would remember how Dan joined in on making Jodi cry, and smack his head against the cage. However, the Good Guys are good sports in the end. Or maybe they don’t care for Jodi. Shavonda tears up a little, and Dan tells her that he’ll cry if she does. “I’m one of those losers who cries on reality TV shows,” he quips. And I always look at them like, ‘What is wrong with them?’” The Bad Asses come down for their fallen comrade. Rachel brushes her eyes, telling Dan that he can walk out with his head held high. Yeah...unlike some people on this show. She interviews that Dan was a good team player, and he was fearless going into the Inferno. Derrick hugs Dan through the cage. “I’m not dying!” Dan exclaims. “I’m going home!” We get a close-up of CT, and he interviews about not having bad feelings. He adds that he can’t pretend to give a hug...so he gives a peace sign. Whatever.

Dave wraps things up, telling Dan he got so close to the money. Dan insists it wasn’t about the dough. Dave congratulates him, adding that it was nice to meet him. “I think I played a fair game,” Dan interviews. “I think in the end, that’s probably why I’m going home today. But everyone has something nice to say. It’s just very humbling.” His voice cracks near the end of the interview, as he heads to the door. “I’m Sally Field. You like me! You really like me!” The door closes behind him.

Looking back, I hated how Dan bullied Jodi. I hated how he sniped at the girls and set Tonya up for more ridicule. But the funny thing is that in the long run, I can’t sustain the level of hatred for Dan that I have for the likes of CT, Rachel and Veronica, among others. If you take away the offending three episodes, Dan comes off as a good egg. He’s not on my favorites list anymore, but I can’t stay mad at him. And if he and Karamo team up to give CT a whuppin’? I’d pay to watch.

Next time: Veronica messes with Tonya some more. Tonya: “I don’t need their friendship, and I definitely don’t need to fit in.” Dave tells up that each player has to perform a tandem bungee jump. Shavonda and Jamie scream at Tonya, and that freaks her out. Brutal stuff...but it’s still not making Tonya out to be a suffering heroine like Sarah or Katie.