The Gauntlet Episode 3: When Drama Mamas Attack

This is the beginning of a theme that would run heavily through The Inferno: Katie The Scrub. I can't say I was a fan of hers back then. She replaced Jisela on Road Rules: The Quest and added little to the drama. That was probably for the best, since most of the show was centered on Adam and Ellen's toxic relationship, with bits of goofiness from Blair and Steve sprinkled in. In the four seasons I recapped for RNO, The Inferno was the only one where I didn't feel close to any of the contenders. I crushed upon and met Melissa in 2001, interviewed Sophia a few months later for class at NYU, and had e-mail exchanges with Sarah during Campus Crawl. By the end of The Inferno, I was full-on Team Katie. At this point in the season? I was ambivalent about her on a good day, which you will see.

Airdate: October 6, 2003
Recap Published: October 12, 2003

After a brain teaser challenge, does the Road Rules selection for The Gauntlet really make any sense? Does the person sent take it well? Would we write about her if they did?

Just want to acknowledge those who wrote to me last week. Thanks for the support, and also to Laura, for telling me that people can tread water with their arms raised. I really didn’t know that. Thanks!

Previously on The Gauntlet, Elka braved the ice cold water to win Snake Soup, earning $10,000 for the Real World bank. Both teams had to sacrifice one of their own into the Gauntlet. Get used to the word “sacrifice,” since the players and Jonny will run it straight into the ground. Kind souls that they are, Darrell and Rachel R. decide to gun for ex-teammate Sarah, based on past experiences with her. Over on the other side, RW sends David. In the Gauntlet, David’s upper-body strength proved no match for gravity in Dead Man’s Drop, as he fell to his elimination.

Credits. There’s no rearrangement of the cast members, although a few seconds are clipped here and there to speed things up. Seeing David smile depresses me. David, if you’re reading this: don’t do another Challenge. Or if you do, at least learn to swim.

Whoa, Bunim and Murray chipped in for decent music this week! Junior Senior’s “Move Your Feet” plays as the RR gang has a good old time, carousing, hot-tubbing, and the like. Dave is pumped since they’re a complete team. Even Sarah’s laughing! In a sequence that might induce seizures, we flash between Bubble Bath Santa Theo (with Rachel, Darrell, and Tina) and Interview Pirate Theo. “I’m actually glad that we haven’t lost anyone,” he says. “I don’t want to see anyone go home.” BBSTheo: “This is the Road Rules soup! This is the soup of the day!” Dave sees Veronica in the shower. Theo asks her to write “Real World Sucks” on the door. She does, and they whoop it up. “I’m excited to be here,” Katie interviews, “and I think it’s gonna be a lot of fun.”

Outside, Elka and Montana share a hammock. Elka talks about getting to know people. Montana: “There’s not as much incentive when you have a real job and another life, and you’re not just making your money doing the Challenges.” Nice. Elka laughs, since this is only her second Challenge. Montana confesses that the others are younger, and she might be at a disadvantage. Cut to shots of the RR kids, including Katie flicking a lighter really close to Adam. Elka thinks she doesn’t have the gusto. Montana warns her to keep that to herself since the others could pick up on that.

Sunrise shot from the mountains. Game site. Jonny welcomes everybody to the next event, Masquerade. It’s a team challenge, where all of the players work together to solve a puzzle. In this case, it involves comedy and drama masks. The boards have seven frown faces and five smiles. The players must rearrange the pieces to form thirteen masks: nine frowns and four smiles. Elka expositions that only two people can work on the puzzle at a given time. Mike follows up, mentioning that everybody else directs. Jonny says that the team that completes the puzzle “to my satisfaction” wins $10,000 for the bank.

Both teams huddle to form strategies. Theo V. wears a “Where’s Timmy?” t-shirt. Aw, I miss him, too. I heard he was supposed to come to the show, but scheduling conflicts got in the way. Mike is still wearing his “Be Miz” tee. Abram, Mike, Cara, and Alton interview to say their teams have it nailed.

Jonny sounds the airhorn to start things off. On the RR side, Abram and Theo start reassembling the pieces. Make your own jokes. Over on RW, Coral calls Tonya to help her, and tells Matt to stand back. Rachel B. starts to direct from behind the line.

Back to RR, Steve is figuring out the puzzle. “I had no friends when I was little,” he interviews with a straight face. “I had puzzles. Puzzles were my friends, and I’d solve them. I’m great at these things.” The teammates up front also shout their advice. On the RW side, Rachel instructs Coral and Tonya to remove the top pieces. Elka interviews that she’s confident with those two, but they were taking time. Irulan interviews her concerns for the duo representing.

RR. Abram and Theo quickly move the pieces. Adam, donned in a different “Where’s Timmy?” t-shirt, tells the pair that they’re kicking ass. A graphic shows that RR has four out of four smiles, five of nine frowns. On the RW board? Zero smiles, zero frowns. Coral shushes encouragement from Matt. I guess he’s still on her list. “Let’s be honest,” Rachel B. interviews. “Anyone could figure out the puzzle. I had to look at it for two seconds, and I figured it out.” She asks if she and Matt could take over. Quickly, the blondes rush in, going at a faster clip.

RR. Abram and Theo are keeping the pace, getting feedback from their teammates. Meanwhile, Rachel and Matt have one smile and two frowns up. Matt puts up a piece, only to have it drop from the board. Nathan yells for Matt to listen to them. “We just got kind of jumbled up,” Nathan interviews. “Too many people talking at one time.” Elka doesn’t feel that they’ll win. Matt takes out a piece and another pops out.

Back from commercials, RR has five smiles (one over) and eight frowns. RW: two smiles, five frowns. Finally, Abram and Theo get the faces in. The others simultaneously count the masks, then they celebrate. The RW folks encourage Matt and Rachel to keep working, in case the RR solution isn’t done to Jonny’s satisfaction. They have three smiles and six frowns before Jonny blows his horn, ending the game. Abram tells us the obvious: RR won $10,000 for their bank. Nathan interviews that his team did well but “the Road Rules team was just a better team today. They got it done faster.”

Jonny awards the check to Theo and Abram. Theo says it’s just the beginning. Then he breaks out the Official Road Rules Cheer: “Hey Road Rules! Go Road Rules! Attaway! ATTAWAY!” That might just get on my nerves by the end of the month. Abram is wearing a “Where’s Timmy” shirt. So he didn’t know about Elka last episode when she won, but he knows Timmy? Jonny gives both teams a half hour to figure our who to sacrifice to the Gauntlet.

Norman: “The tough thing about voting somebody into the Gauntlet is that you don’t know what kind of asset they are, because it’s unproven.” Especially when a combined six people worked on Masquerade, out of 27. Irulan suggests that a woman be sent up this time. Coral agrees, taking some of the girls with her. She weeds out those who did well in Snake Soup, ending up with herself, Irulan, and Montana, the first three women out of the pool.

The guys have their own huddle. Nathan wonders which girl can be sacrificed without hurting the team. He immediately suggests Montana and the others agree. Mike interviews that the guys see her as the weakest. She did putter on the puzzle like an old lady. Oh, wait, that was Coral. Never mind.

Coral gathers everybody, bringing up the finalists. “We feel we need a fierce competitor in there,” Mike says. “We need someone that’s gonna step.” He tells Montana she is that person. Her face says that she is not that person. “You don’t want to be the second person to go to the Gauntlet,” she interviews, wiping a tear. “It’s embarrassing, and you can’t help but take it personal.”

Mansion. RW Gauntlet meeting. Montana agrees that the sacrifice should be a woman, but she hates the guys for blowing smoke up her ass. She plays the duck-duck-goose game the Inner Circle played before they took out Rachel R. last season: Coral is friends with Mike and Irulan is dating Alton. Hence, Montana = Goose. She interviews that it hurts to feel expendable. She tells her teammates that it’s tough for her to feel pumped up going into the Gauntlet. Mike apologizes to her for the blowing of smoke, interviewing that it’s hard to vote somebody off. The team does a quick cheer.

RR Gauntlet meeting. The check is fixed on the wall. Adam reminds us they’re using a 3-2-1 points systems. Steve’s t-shirt: “Courier New.” Katie interview that there’s supposed to be a performance policy, she’s expecting Laterrian, Theo, or Steve to go, and she was seventh out of the pool, so she’s in the clear. Rachel R. reads off the votes. Katie is mentioned first twice, and a crazed look slowly appears on her face. Sarah is “beyond shocked” that she’s still getting votes. Final results: Katie with 24 points, Sarah with 23 (exhale from me), and Roni with 17 (huge exhale). Needless to say, Katie is very not happy. “We have talked about doing it based on performance,” she interviews. “Apparently, the team doesn’t like to really do what they say.” Steve interviews that he’s known Katie for three years, that she’s a great person, “but I don’t really have that much trust in her.” Man. Doesn’t Steve like everybody?

Katie stalks up the stairs, wondering who has it in for her. I’m wondering that myself. She contemplates quitting, which Theo V. can’t seem to believe. She feels she can’t win in the Gauntlet. “These people are liars, and they’re not doing it based on performance,” she hisses, as we get shots of Steve, Rachel R., Tina, and Veronica. “If I win, I’ll play the game very differently than I have before, and I’m coming back like a bitch. If I lose? Go Real World! [going from fake smile to bitter look]. I don’t care.” I know that I’m going to defend Sarah until the episode she underachieves herself off the show, but you have to give me this: in the face of getting sacrificed, she did not turn into a vindictive little snot. I swear, I half-expect somebody to pull off the mask and reveal Katie as Emily. And it’s gonna get worse.

Speaking of getting worse, here’s the Real World: Paris commercial where Chris smacks the hell out of some blur-faced guy and almost jacks up Adam. I heard a rumor he’ll be on the next Challenge, and you know what? Bring him on. Seriously, if he tries that “ONEONONE!” crap on Coral, she’d have him on his knees, begging for mercy. Maybe Adam would fit in better, since he’s the love child of David (bad singing) and Matt (bad dancing). “Hey there Coral, don’t go bein’ irate, pretty please honey, don’t playa hate.”

Majestic mountains shot. Katie lies in the hammock with Adam (that’s Cowboy Adam, not Bowler Hat Adam). Katie bitches, saying she could tell who was writing her name down. Adam claims they’re going on yesterday’s performances. Katie insists she was the seventh person out of the pool. “I would rather go home,” she gripes. “I don’t feel like being embarrassed again. It’s not fun.” Go home. If you run into Ellen, Jisela, or Sophia, tell them to fill in for you. In his best soap opera voice, Adam tells Katie he doesn’t want her to go. He brings up leaving Cabo San Lucas during Battle of the Seasons, saying his feelings were hurt. He was paired with Jisela, so I’ll let him slide. Katie still thinks she’s not a good competitor on her own, and doesn’t want to be humiliated. “I absolutely hate every [bleeping] person outside of you,” she tells Adam. “I don’t care about any of them.” Honestly, she’s making me miss Ellen. That is not right. She rants some more, then leaves to pack her bags. Adam ineffectually calls to her.

Gauntlet Site. The players gather in slow-motion. “I will be the first to admit that I’m a sore loser,” Katie interviews. More slow-motion. “So it makes me very angry.” Jonny welcomes everybody to the Gauntlet. Same rules: winner stays, loser goes home. He chuckles a little and the others laugh at him. Even Katie smiles. Jonny sets up the match: Montana vs. Katie. Since the Road Rules team won the mission, Katie gets to roll the die to determine the mission. Oddly, Jonny makes her close her eyes. Katie rolls. Cut to an incredibly fake shot, as the oversized die lands on Ride ‘Em Cowboy. Everybody whoops, as if Urban Cowboy was still in theaters. Montana reveals that she has won a mechanical bull riding contest. “There’s no way I can lose,” she interviews. “This is my event.” Mike seconds her emotion, adding, “I know Katie. She’s pissed off right now. I would think Katie would lose just to get back at her team, because Katie is a little fireball.” So she would leave and allow the others to get a better split of the loot? Whatever, Mike.

Theo breaks out the Road Rules Cheer, slipping Katie’s name in. She is an unmoved cowgirl. “Road Rules is so damn fake,” she snipes, “but I’m trying to be mature about this. It’s really hard because I’m not a mature person.” You don’t say. Adam shouts out advice to her. Veronica figures Katie will lose on purpose.

Jonny goes over the rules: stay on the bull the longest, hold onto the bull with one hand, and you can’t touch the bull with the free hand. Last player standing (or sitting) wins. More RR cheering: “Here we go, Katie, here we go! (clap! clap!)”

Jonny blows the horn as the editors slip in some angry mooing. The bulls move rather slowly as both players try to hang on. Montana falls forward and both hands land on the bull. Katie hangs on while her teammates call for the disqualification, which Jonny grants. Airhorn. Game over. Montana is out, Katie stays, and we get a week or more of intense drama. Wait, we were going to get that no matter what. The RR team mobs a happy Katie while Montana looks upset as she gets consoled by her teammates. A graphic tells us that Real World has lost two people so far. Mike interviews about restrategizing, but he doesn’t know how. The RWs applaud Montana. “I had my best shot and I have no one to blame but myself for that,” Montana breaks down in her interview. “Honestly, I did the best that I could.” She hugs Elka, saying at least she got a four-day vacation out of it. And without fanfare, Montana packs up and leaves.

Digression: is it distressing that two formerly messed-up people from The Real World come back more whole than before, then find quick exits? I don’t know much about Montana and her season, save for the boyfriend thing and the giving wine to kids thing. But I did hear in the forums that she got her life on track and she isn’t anything like her televised self. She seems to be a cool person, I’m sorry that her Challenge experiences haven’t gone well (she was part of the RW team that won one mission back in the ‘99 season), and I wish her well.

Storm clouds gather and thunder rumbles. Either BMP shot this footage ahead of time or drama queens can control the weather. Katie is outside the mansion with Tina, having a substitute-to-substitute chat. Tina understands why Katie is pissed off. Katie goes on about the lack of trust. Tina notes she would base future votes on that. Katie brings up Sarah making the top three again. She goes into yet another rant: “As much as you pretend, because you can chant each other’s names during a mission, you’re not a team. It’s fake [bleep]. You’re kissing each other’s ass so you’re not the next one voted off, and I’m not down with that.”

Lightning strikes. In the RR bedroom, Sarah tells the others there has to be a better way to vote, since Katie wasn’t supported. She wants a way to inspire the sacrificial lamb to kick some ass. Katie walks into the room. Tina and Veronica question Sarah on what she just said. Veronica figures they have to make the best of the situation. “We’re sending our weakest players into the Gauntlet because we don’t want to sacrifice our strong players,” Veronica interviews. “Especially with their attitude, they’re not making us like them, so we don’t really feel attached to them.” Oh, Veronica. I guess all those axe wounds healed up a little too well.

Katie starts backing Sarah up, then Veronica says, “I’ve been sent home three times.” Time out. She’s been on three Challenges. One of them was Challenge 2000, which didn’t have the voting system. So either she’s lying and hoping everybody hasn’t watched all of the seasons or the poor girl has amnesia. Katie starts to curse out Veronica, and Veronica retorts that she’s “been there.” Katie: “The why the [bleep] would you do it now?” Forget Ellen; I’m starting to hope that Emily comes back. Sarah interview: “It’s like we got a bunch of hotheads causing all this stupid drama. This definitely has a strong possibility that Real World is gonna come back and bite us in the ass.”

Katie is still yelling. “You played the game dirty!” she hollers. “You’re one of the bitches that voted me the [bleep] off! I’m not dumb! I know you did!” Veronica: “Really?” Katie: “Yeah! Really!” The sad part is Katie’s head bobbing, trying to be all ghetto. Please. Belou was the only girl who could’ve pulled that off and not look stupid in the process. Roni and Adam stand by Katie, probably getting ready to grab her. As we fade to credits, the “Here We Go, Katie” chant plays slowly. Nice effect.

Next week: We got giant inflated balls in mud. Diving in the mud. A guy bounces off a ball. Tonya elbows Sarah running after a ball. Terrific... now the RWs are trying to get rid of Sarah. Matt: “Any time you put mud and balls together, it’s gonna get dirty!” Tonya insists she’s not performing poorly. Coral says they’ve been in the room for an hour and it’s not working. A guy voiceovers that Trishelle fell off her bike, Hospital. Trishelle’s face looks really banged up.

Reading the recap, I feel like a jerk. Later this season, somebody got eliminated, and viewers received no "pack up and leave" footage. I did not remember the same thing happened to Montana. She would last a lot longer a few years later on Gauntlet 2. The bad news? Beth.

Man, hard to believe The Real World: Paris was running at the same time as The Gauntlet. I know Chris/CT would be a veteran, though I probably would've thought he'd retire by now. I'm happy for CT, I'm rooting for him in Invasion Of The Champions, but I kinda dread him backsliding back into being a thug. On the up side, if he were to slug Johnny, I would probably have no problem with that. 

The Gauntlet Episodes 1 & 2: Back In The Saddle

Here we go again. I'll admit that I complained a lot during The Gauntlet, but compared to The Inferno and Battle Of The Sexes 2? I'll happily take it. Back when I was recapping, I didn't know that I'd end up "covering" lame Infernos, Julie's kindasorta attempted murder of Veronica, Eric Fucking Nies looking to legally marry his jump rope, and Sophia's many breakdowns on Elimination Hill . . . all of which contributed to my services no longer being required on Reality News Online paritily because I was so damn negative Even with Sarah getting scapegoated often, Coral breaking into tears, and a few of my favorite folks leaving (including one this episode), this season seem so nice in retrospect. It took Inferno II before I felt the show was good again. And then came Gauntlet 2, which not only wasn't as good as the original, but also Beth. For now, let's go back to 2003 and The Gauntlet.

Airdate: September 29, 2003
Recap Published: October 5, 2003 (hey, I worked best with 30-minute episodes. No way could I cover the current format)

They're baaaack. The Real Worlders and Road Rulers have come together to battle it out once again. Jason has all the details of the first hour!

First of all, I’d like to give shout outs to my friends at GuidoCon: T.J., Illeen, Kim, as well as the others who figured out that “Jason” is Greek for “Has Trouble With Names.” Of course, I can’t forget Joe and Bill, whose villainy on The Amazing Race set the standard, and whose niceness knows few limits. Also, special thanks to Clara for inviting me to her apartment to not only watch The Gauntlet, but also VH1 Goes Inside: The Real World afterwards. Here’s hoping this season goes on as you like it.

Secondly, I’ve been thinking about Bob Murphy. For those who aren’t Mets fans (and I can’t blame you), he was the radio voice of the team for 42 years, ending last week. His trademark was saying, “We’ll be back with the happy recap,” after every Mets win. I’ll say this now: not every recap will be pleasant. Some of these people tick me off. But I promise that I can make these recaps entertaining as possible. So saddle up, buckaroos. We got a long ride ahead.

Serene countryside shots intercut with a plane landing. People walking around, having no sense to run or hide from what’s about to come. A plane door pops open. Say, Mike, do you want the first line? “Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!” And we’re off.

Shots of American flags, where the stars have been replaced by team logos. More deplaning. Jonny Moseley voiceover: “The players: twenty-eight alumni of The Real World and Road Rules. The location: Telluride, Colorado.” Brief shot of Jonny on horseback. I wonder if the other moguls skiers give him grief for hosting this show. Jonny: “The stakes: $300,000.” The editors put in a heartbeat over that last part, it’s that dramatic. David and Theo G. whoop it up getting off the plane. Theo interviews that everybody is here to win the money. Jonny: “The challenge: survive the Gauntlet.” Rachel R. figures that her team has the edge. “Road Rulers are some very cocky people,” Coral quips. “I think they’re used to living in RVs, and they’re not used to hanging out with people that are normal.” Yeah, Coral is the epitome of the status quo. Matt: “This is the true story of what happens when you pick 28 freaks to live in a mansion.” Dude, you lived with Melissa. It’s “maaaaaannn-shun” Jonny: “This is the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet.”

Credits. Last time, we had Midtown’s “Let Go” with all the beach cheesiness. This time, we got somebody called Ill Kid and “Rock Star.” I don’t think it’s as catchy, but it’ll grow on you. Anyway, Darrell and Rachel R. pose with pitchforks, and Rachel jump into Darrell’s arms. Norman and Matt are on horseback, and Norman tips his cowboy hat. Steve gives Sarah a squeeze as they pose. She’s shocked at first, but looks like she liked it. If she didn’t already have a boyfriend, she’d do a lot worse than Steve. Tonya rides piggyback on Theo G. Adam and Katie pose in front of a stable. Mike makes the “call-me” gesture with his hand, while Coral puts up the fakest smile she can muster. Trishelle and Nathan pose near some hay. Tina and Roni sit on a car, lift a leg up, then hug. Ew! Keep your mitts off Roni.

Remember the dopey twirl Laterrian did last season? He’s all macho now, chopping some wood with a shirtless Abram. Irulan and Alton embrace and kiss. Montana and David smile with their heads out the window; David’s smile is the one that says, “I had sex with a woman ten minutes ago, and we never got to names.” Yes, I still remember that episode. Cara and Dave hold each other and smile. Elka and Rachel B. share a horse and smile. Veronica and Theo also share an equine, as he puts her hand near her stomach.

Climax. Both teams walk from opposite sides. Out steps Jonny. He looks at the RWs, and they’re making “Bring it, punk!” motions. He looks the other way, and the RRs make cutthroat gestures. Rumble time! Jonny shrugs. He’s just the host, people. Zoom shot away from the cabin.

Mountain shots, with the town near the base. Adam is amazed about the runway being on a cliff. He tells us that since Battle of the Seasons, he’s taken time off and trained for Eco-Challenge. Don’t remind me... not that Adam’s bad these days, but I miss Timmy. Mike’s wearing his own web site t-shirt:“The Miz Phenomena Has Begun.” This from a guy who can’t spell “Gauntlet” in his recaps. He tells us he’s been wrestling in the independent circuit. Immediately, he starts trash-talking Theo V. He interviews that he wants to prove that “Real World is the grandaddy of all realities.” Theo interviews that he’s been working as a tour manager, and he’s been looking for girls.

Sure enough, he waits in a doorway, kissing the cheeks of Tonya and Rachel B., and hugging and pecking Norman. Speaking of whom, Norman introduces himself. He claims the others are starstruck, since they saw him on the first season of The Real World when they were kids, which could work to his favor. “How can you get rid of George Washington?” he asks. “It would be like sacrilegious to get rid of him.” I hope that’s just Norman mocking David E’s “I am The Real World” intro from last season. He casually lifts Mike’s shirt up, declaring he wants to stay a week or two.

Cara and Dave get off the plane. We get clips of when Cara was voted off, where Dave was totally being dramatic about it. Anyway, he reunited with Cara in Los Angeles and “sparks ignited.” Cara adds that they’ve been hanging out in Chicago every second together. Veronica introduces herself. “I never really lasted the whole way through,” she interviews. “I’m so tired of going home with empty pockets.” I guess Emily’s bloody axe attack made her forget about Challenge 2000, where her team won over $60,000. Irulan and Alton intro: their relationship started after the show ended. Alton tells somebody that they’re sleeping together. That whole season skeeved me out. Alton: “The last thing I expected to do was fall in love.”

Oh, good. Tina’s bitching, since she expected somebody to grab her smaller bag while she hefted her suitcase. I hate her. Abram, looking to wipe his slate clean and maybe make a new friend, picks up her bag. Abram introduces himself. Naturally, there’s the clip of him fighting Donell. Abram is not worried about proving himself and he wants to chill and let things happen. Roni thinks she’s at a disadvantage, since nobody knows her. “As long as they know how I can compete,” she says, “then that’s all it’s gonna take.” Steve tells Roni and Tina it’s “big easy” to be half Asian and half white in the Midwest.

Nathan tells Theo V. he’s looking for a good time on this trip. He interviews that he’s been on Guiding Light, toured with the Dixie Chicks and Willie Nelson, and has done stand-up comedy. He adds to Theo that the money wouldn’t hurt. Theo: “Giddiyap, Buttercup.” Don’t resist the Theo quotes, let them come to you. The camera zooms on Theo’s butt as Elka and Coral look on. Elka: “Theo’s body is like a well-oiled machine.” Too much information. Elka interviews that she’s single, and she wants to “date around.” Coral’s introduction includes the final episode from Seasons, when her team won the $300,000 grand prize. She figures that her win gives her an advantage. “It allows me to just enjoy my time and be peaceful and make friends if I can,” she interviews. “But if not, steal their money.”

Coral teases Matt about him not having sex. He interviews that since his season, he’s been speaking in churches and the national Life Teen spokesman. Don’t worry: if you forget, he’ll remind you. He tells Coral he’d like the girls to keep their clothes on. Hoo, boy. Coral: “He’s annoying the hell out of me!”

Trishelle and Katie introduce themselves. Katie interviews that she’s living with Trishelle, she’s taking acting lessons and they posed for Playboy. Katie tells Rachel B. she didn’t recognize her. Rachel introduces herself, sans the heavy blonde dye she used to soak her hair. She has transferred schools and living in New York, which she can’t get enough of.

Country shots. A cow and her calf. The gang is traveling by bus. Tonya interviews that she is no longer with Justin. Who? Oh, the sugar-daddy boyfriend. Anyway, she’s transferred to UCLA to finish her nursing degree. Darrell interviews about winning his local Golden Gloves boxing tournament two months ago. He adds, “I’m here for the money, simple as that.”

More outdoors shots. Matt listens to Sarah as she feels like she did stuff for other people half-assed on her season. The editors break out the first “Sarah Sucks” clip, the one where she couldn’t stay on the pole at the University of Alabama. She interviews about how people saw her as “being very weak and lazy, and having a bad attitude.” I just write it off as “horribly miscast.” She’s trained for the Challenge, losing 20 pounds. Meanwhile, Mike is already having it out with Theo. “Last time,” he jaws, “we handed you an ass plate of whoop!” Was that in English? Coral’s sitting next to Theo, across from Mike, and she wants no part of this. Mike feels it’s his responsibility to hold the title of “Real World Champion.” Theo rebuts, “Dude, name the solar system, bro. I will [bleeping] run circles around it.” He interviews (in a Santa hat) that he needs to beat Real World for peace of mind.

Exterior shot of the Wyndham Peaks Resort and Golden Door Spa. Everybody cheers as they see “The Gauntlet” sign and some production guys, most of whom are not getting paid enough for this show. The kids start to sit in the stands, intercut with a slow pan up to a somewhat rugged Jonny Moseley. He welcomes everybody to the Resort and introduces himself. Applause. The cynical part of me thinks the applause is from where he announced that Emily wasn’t coming. He welcomes them to (brief pause) The Gauntlet. Everybody pretends to be scared. Jonny says they’ll be competing in various challenges. The Ghost of Episodes Future stops by to show us rappelling, a giant turntable, folks in sumo suits, the rotating ladder, rope-jumping, and a log roll. I assume they’ll have cute mission names when they air. Jonny continues: the first fourteen challenges won are worth $10,000 each. The final mission will be for $150,000. Immediately, everybody gets excited. Guys, pace yourselves! One of you isn’t even going to last through this episode! Alton doesn’t know what to say. Adam: “Pretty cool, huh? Where do I sign up?”

Of course, Jonny has a catch. Turns out the money won by the teams gets banked, and only those who make it to the end get access. Jonny continues, “Half of those assembled will be gone by then.” That’s not good. Think of a person you cannot stand in there. The odds of that person going away in the next few months currently stands at 50/50. After every round, each team selects one person to be “sacrificed” into the Gauntlet, a series of different challenges where only two people compete. The Ghost floats back to show us Dead Man’s Drop, some jousting, and mechanical bull riding. The winner of the Gauntlet returns to the team that kicked him off, while the loser goes home. “This game has serious potential to get ugly,” Cara interviews, “because nobody wants to go home and everybody wants to win the money.” Lots of crowd reaction shots. Cara: “It could get dirty.”

After some welcomed commercials, Jonny wishes everybody luck as they get back on the bus to their house. After another outdoors montage, they arrive at their new digs. Elka screams in joy at the six-story rustic log cabin. Theo: “It’s red, white, and blue-tiful in here!” There’s a reference in there, but I got enough to recap as it is. Elka expositions that this is the first time both teams will be sharing a house, but each side has its own sleeping quarters. Rachel R. introduces herself, mentioning her work with gay and lesbian organizations. Montana introduces herself, mentioning she’s stopped drinking and smoking. She doesn’t know what to expect with this Challenge.

More moving in. Tonya finds the communal shower with the transparent glass doors shipped in from the Las Vegas house. David runs up the stairs. He introduces himself, saying he expects great things. He digs through a bag, noting, “I don’t like swimming trunks, because that means we’re swimming.” Some of the ladies get excited over their free gear. Cara doesn’t think her breasts will fit in a bikini top. Tina gasps after seeing Steve’s “eggroll.” Steve has a huge smile on his face.

Dinner table. Theo G., David, and Laterrian chat. Laterrian introduces himself, mentioning he got “a little crazy, a little wild during Battle of the Sexes. Cut to the obligatory “Ride or [Oedipus Rexing] die!” clip. Only thing missing was Dan rolling his eyes. Laterrian claims he’s calmer and that the missions will be more mental than physical this time. The camera pans past the bulbed antlers overhead to the big table, where the players toast themselves.

Nighttime. Cara and Dave lie in a hammock. Alton and Irulan stand outside. Matt kisses a cross before he puts it on the wall over his bed. Meanwhile, everybody is having a good time, yelling, high-fiving, playing Jenga, and maybe partaking in alcohol. It’s a hunch. Montana interviews that everybody is used to being a leader and the center of attention.

Wrestling! Unlike some of the other writers here at RNO, I’m not grappler-inclined. It’s Mike, “a.k.a. The Miz,” versus Abram, “a.k.a. Mini Miz.” That’s the best name they could come up with? The guys wrestle and Abram is on top most of the time, winning the bout. Wow, the Miz is overrated. Mike admits he got his ass kicked, but that “there’ll be many rounds.” Abram: “But we're comin' back for round two!" So much for me thinking he wouldn’t fit in. More yelling and merriment.

Meanwhile, Rachel B. and Sarah sit at a table, away from the fun. “Everybody’s drinking themselves into an idiotic stupor,” Sarah snipes. “Woo-hoo! Beer bongs!” Yes, she does come off as condescending, but she makes me laugh. She adds that she’s concerned about splitting from the rest of the group, like she did in Campus Crawl. She adds, “I want to be in control more than I want to be part of the frat party.” Sorry, Sarah... that’s Phil Kural’s department, not mine.

Hot tub. Gratuitous shots of Tonya and Veronica’s breasts. Trishelle sucks on Adam’s side. Turns out they dated a while back. So Trishelle has dated Steven and Adam, while Adam went out with Ellen and Trishelle. I don’t know who I should feel more sorry for. “She has the ability to make you feel really special, like you’re the only person in the world,” Adam muses. “Then you find out she kind of does that to a lot of different people.” You know, I might not hate Adam anymore. That was funny.

In the hammock, Theo drawls to Elka about how he’ll throw rocks at her window. She is touched, but she tells him that he’d have to move to Manhattan. Theo goes on about his affection for “the lovely Miss Elka.” They joke about getting married.

Night shot gives way to morning shot. Breakfast time. For some reason, Trishelle and Coral compare and compliment each other’s breasts. Then Matt shows up, talking about how he’s been living in Phoenix and half the women there have implants. Yes, Matt is quite a goober. The look on Coral’s face translates into, “Oh, goody! I got a chew toy I can gnaw on!” As he continues, Tonya interviews about Matt not knowing her breasts are fake. She drops that bomb on him and the others laugh as it slowly dawns on Matt that he just put his foot in his mouth. Tonya interviews that he should be more respectful.

Later, as Matt reads his Bible, Coral and Tonya take turns ripping into him. Not that I blame them, but I got a soft spot for the New Orleans season. Tonya: “Now every time he walks by, he looks at my boobs.” Coral figures he wants to lick and suck them. That’s a mental image I did not need. Coral interviews that she’s prepared to send him into the Gauntlet. “I really like Matt,” she tells Tonya. “I really think he’s cool. And hopefully, they’ll give him a first class ticket.” She and Tonya have a good laugh. “That’s the least we can do.”

After commercials, Rachel R. huddles close to ex-teammate Darrell, thinking the guys will try to take the girls out first. He assures her she has her back. Guess who they both think is sacrifice-worthy? Once again, Sarah is in the crosshairs. Darrell bases this on her past experiences. The editors bring in “Sarah Sucks: Volume Two”; her struggling at the Citadel, barely able to get up a run and do push-ups. Thankfully, they leave out her falling down twice and hurting herself. Darrell insists this has nothing to do with her physically, only with her competitiveness. Boy, Darrell is all heart, isn’t he?

A sunset shot segues into team meetings. In the RR powwow, Theo asks everybody to explain why each of them is an asset to the team. Over at RW, Coral wants to figure out strategy. She’s wearing a Miz cap. So very sad. She asks what people won’t do in a mission. For some reason, Matt decides to inform everybody that he’s the Life Teen spokesman, and he can’t jeopardize that. The boy just isn’t that fast, is he? Coral interviews that he just put his head on the chopping back. “His church will be glad to have his ass back home,” she adds. Matt goes on, saying the organization would use the money he gets to rebuild a camp and help a Mexican orphanage. “If I’m called to be naked,” he adds, “then I’m just not going to do that. Throw me to the Gauntlet, it’s just not gonna happen.” If he ends up leaving, he’s going to get kicked in the shins by so many orphans.

Over at the RR meeting, Steve has developed a points system based on performance. Dave interviews that this would make things easy, especially where you have to choose between the girl whose heart isn’t in the game and the 245-pound albatross who isn’t contributing anything. Or maybe he’s just thinking that. Veronica doesn’t think that system could work. Rachel interviews that she and Darrell know Sarah the best, and they would be lying if they thought she didn’t have to prove herself. The multiple stab wounds in Rachel’s back from Emily, Ellen, and Ruthie have healed a little too well. Sarah: “It’s hard not to feel like everybody’s out to get you when it seems so deliberately pinpointing you.”

Mike talks to the RW squad about his time on Seasons, saying that RR was always arguing amongst itself. Cue the clip of the present-day RR, bickering. Mike continues how the old RR team couldn’t trust each other in the end. Mike? They got a clue after Chadwick and Piggy were booted. They all liked each other. Well, maybe not Holly, since she was hard to take. Mike interviews that his team is solid and will win.

RR meeting. They’re still squabbling. “This freakin’ voting idea is ridiculous,” says Theo, who is wearing a bandana and an eyepatch. “I mean, it all comes down to whatever you tell Jonny Mosely anyway.” Back to RW: Irulan feels people should be honest with each other. Nathan interviews that there is no backstabbing here. Everybody does a group cheer. Over at RR, there’s still arguing, and everybody there is exhausted. Darrell admits that there is no system.

Time-lapse to morning. Breakfast table. Matt is wearing an “I [Heart] L.T.” t-shirt. My brain sputters before I realize that stands for “Life Teen.” Can you imagine Laterrian’s reaction? “I’m flattered, but I don’t ride like that.” Matt reads the sponsor phone’s text message: Mission at 8:30 a.m., wear bathing suit with team colors and sunblock. Nathan expositions a few people on the RW team are afraid of water. David is already nervous. “Even if there’s this much water,” he asks Coral, “they still have to give you a life preserver, right?” They both have a good laugh over that. David interviews that everybody knows he can’t stand water. Theo G. points out that David should have learned how to swim. “It’s a little late now,” David replies.

Wyndham Peaks. The players walk to the stands. Nathan notices the giant pool. Jonny welcomes everybody to the first competition. The object: tread water in the pool. David’s head is in this hands. Jonny continues: last person left wins $10,000 for the team. The players cheer and I think Laterrian let out a “Hoo-RAH!” Jonny reveals the catch: the name of the game is Snake Soup, and they’ll be sharing the pool for hundreds of snakes. “This is like my worst nightmare,” Montana interviews. “Seriously, I can’t think of anything that would scare me more.”

Jonny continues with the rules: tread water in place, you can gently move the snakes away, and interference results in a disqualification. David interviews that treading water freaks him out. The RW team does a group cheer. Rachel B. thinks her team is more united. Theo V. tells his teammates to help each other out. Rachel R. feels her team has the edge. A few players decide to look in the snake bag. “I’m totally vulnerable to these snakes, and if aggravated, they can bite you,” Tina interviews. “Reality sets in and I am freaking out.”

Apparently, Jonny isn’t over his airhorn addiction, as he blows his to get everybody in the pool. He also neglects to tell them the water temperature is 48 degrees. The players scream as they gather around the edges. Coral looks like she’s in pain already, while David takes his time. Mike: “I jump into that water, and I’m telling you, my balls went up into my throat.” Always a pleasure, Mike.

Jonny blows the airhorn again, signaling the start. Everybody treads water, except for David, who proceeds to thrash and sink, eliminating himself. Before he can get out, Coral climbs out. David interviews that he nearly drowned. While this is going on, Nathan interviews that the snakes are coming, biting at their necks. Dave gets surrounded quickly. Cara interviews that she’s scared and she tries to clear her head.

Elapsed time: ten minutes. Rachel B. violently splashes, trying to shake the snakes. Irulan interviews that she saw the snakes around Trishelle’s neck and she freaked out. Cut to Irulan at poolside, sitting next to Coral. Roni grabs a rope to get out, but screams as a snake gets on her. Montana climbs out, complaining that her chest was seizing up. Theo G. climbs out, followed by Roni. Alton is in pain at poolside, his joints stiff and unable to breathe.

Steve climbs out. Laterrian gets out, kicking a snake away. Sarah climbs out, happy she wasn’t the first one out. “I feel like I stood in there longer than at least four or five people,” she says. A cluster of snakes float near Mike’s neck. Veronica gets helped out of the pool by Laterrian. “Snake Soup is a mess,” Matt interviews. “It is everything a human is not supposed to do. A human is supposed to get out of freezing water. A human is supposed to escape hundreds of snakes. But no, the humans stay in for ten grand.”

Veronica hugs Katie for warmth. Tonya is still in the water, yelling that the snakes are chasing her. Theo V. stands at poolside, eliminated. Abram gently shoves some snakes away, but the others yell at him, prompting Jonny to blow his horn. “You said we could move them gently!” Abram yells as he climbs out of the pool. Jonny says they were supposed to be on him. Abram gripes some more, clearly not upset. Well, he is upset, but not “get kicked off the show” upset.

Elapsed time: 25:23. Tina cries as she is surrounded by snakes. Yes, I laughed. “I realized that I am treading in a snake pit,” she interviews. “It’s an anxiety attack that chills me to the bone.” She gets out, followed by Matt. Rachel R. gets warmed by Laterrian and Theo V. Tonya climbs out, unable to stand. “I pretended that I was in a tanning bed!” she laughs. Nathan gets lifted out by his teammates. Rachel B. tries to warm herself up.

Elapsed time: 31:45. Jonny announces there are four members on each team still treading. Theo leads his buddies in a cheer, which gets shouted back to him: “Hey Road Rules! Go Road Rules! Attaway! ATTAWAY!” Norman’s treading, all “What the heck is that about?” Trishelle bails out, followed by Dave. Darrell sees Laterrian, Theo V., and Steve on the sidelines. “What’s with my team?” he interviews. “Do you want $10,000, dog? Do you want $300,000 in the end?”

Elapsed time: 52:05. Jonny announces Phase Two: everybody lifts their hands above the water while treading. I didn’t think that was possible to do. Elka interviews that she can’t feel her lips and she’s getting scared.

Jonny blows the horn and the remaining players lift their arms. Immediately, Darrell sinks, leaving two of his teammates in the pool. Adam grabs a rope. Elka reaches towards the sky. Mike? Out. Norman? Out. Cara grabs the rope, giving Elka the victory. Her teammates cheer, but they don’t jump in the pool. They’re clearly not that insane. Abram comes back in to drag Dave out. Alton and Montana hug Elka, warming her up. Steve and Roni lift Dave out. Elka can’t believe she won. Adam gets encouragement and towels. Abram is stunned that Elka won; he doesn’t even know who she is.

Aftermath. Jonny congratulates everybody, adding “that absolutely looked brutal.” The players are too cold to even think of shoving Jonny in the pool.He gives the slightly-oversized check to Elka, and he tells them to decide who gets sacrificed to the Gauntlet.

RR Gauntlet Meeting. I might miss the old Inner Circle debates. Less people to cover. Theo goes over the procedure: list the three people to send out in descending order, with three points for first place, two for second, one for third. Top three names get voted on again. “As a team, Road Rules decides to create a system not based on personality, [but] based on points,” Sarah expositions. “Based on performance in a mission.” Veronica announces the finalists: Sarah, Roni, and Laterrian. Laterrian explains the flaw in the system: with a secret vote, he wonders who voted for him. Veronica comes up with the final scores: Laterrian with twelve points, Roni with 23... and Sarah with 28. Guess who’s going to the Gauntlet? “Wait a second!” Sarah laughs in her interview. “I was sixth out! Why isn’t Roni in the Gauntlet? Why isn’t Laterrian? He sank like a stone!” The others wish poor, doomed Sarah luck. “My whole team is my fair-weather friend,” she says. “When it’s a choice between me and a Laterrian, they’re throwing me to the wolves.” Adam tells her not to come back bitter. Oh, shut up, Adam. Steve interviews that she doesn’t deserve to go, since the votes were based on her past experiences. Naturally, we see Rachel and Darrell. I think Steve feels guilty his name wasn’t brought up since he bailed right after Roni. Sarah laments that her reputation precedes her.

RW Gauntlet Meeting. Coral wants to figure out how to proceed, whether it’s best to send a strong person based on a mission, or somebody who might not be strong in the long run. David is wearing a “CCCP” shirt, as in the Soviet Union. I start to imagine David giving up womanizing for the joys of communism. It could happen. Coral feels David is a strong competitor and she doesn’t want to lose him in the Gauntlet. David knows that it’s nothing personal against him. Irulan says that he is awesome, but she’s voting for him. Tonya votes for “a person that has caused conflict already.” The irony being that I can’t remember Matt stirring up things in the Belfort back in the day, but he’s pissing people off right now. She tells him that he hasn’t been meshing well. “I really feel like Matt honestly believes that we’re kind of sinful and he’s here is to save us,” Tonya interviews. “We’re just here to play the game.” Where was he during Las Vegas? Matt says that his Christianity is important to him and he hopes the others are comfortable with that. He interviews that the process can be highly political, adding that “one strong personality can sway an entire group.” Nathan insists nobody is disrespecting Matt’s faith. Elka interviews that Matt offended Coral and Tonya and she doesn’t want to vote for David. More deliberation as the guys from New Orleans look pensive.

Commercial. Hey, BMP is looking for fodder for future editions of Real World and Road Rules! For those who wish to apply, keep this in mind: if you don’t leave well enough alone and decide to come back for a Challenge, I’ll be waiting for you. I won’t ask why they played “Stacy’s Mom,” the ultimate MILF anthem.

Back the the meeting. Coral and Tonya cast votes for Matt, followed by several tallies for David. Nathan votes for Matt. Rachel B. doesn’t want to vote on somebody strong, but David was the first out of the pool. Final vote: David 10, Matt 4. “I already had the feeling it was going to be me,” David interviews. “That’s just how it goes.” So to recap: either the reformed playa from one of my favorite editions is going home, or my favorite girl from one of the worst seasons will be. Either way, I won’t win.

Gauntlet. Jonny welcomes everybody, reminding them that the winner stays and the loser goes. “It’s a little nerve-wracking to hear your name called out,” Sarah interviews, “and realize you’re going up against the Hulk.” Irulan thinks David has a great shot at winning. “She’s a scapegoat,” Irulan voiceovers, as Sarah beats her chest. “Why should she want to win for a team that doesn’t consider her valuable?” Good question. Take that up with Rachel R. and Darrell.

Since his team won the mission, David gets to roll the opposite sex die to determine the game. It comes up Dead Man’s Drop. I think David rolls his eyes; he knows he’s boned. Here’s what I don’t get: forget that Sarah lasted longer than David in the pool. If David has an advantage, why limit it to rolling a die? Why not have him pick the mission? Or come up with several options to present to her? “Okay, here are your choices: weightlifting, freestyle scatting, and servicing a ho. What’s your pick, Sarah?”

David and Sarah sit on trapezes. David expositions that they have to hang upside-down ten feet above “some death-defying water.” First one to drop loses. Both sides cheer. “Sarah can’t deal with the pressure,” Darrell interviews. “She’s gonna bail out.”

Jonny blows his horn and both players get into position. The others cheer. Then David drops... but his ankles manage to hang on to the trapeze. This is where upper-body strength becomes a liability. Nathan yells that Sarah is breaking, where she totally is not. Finally, David drops into the water. Sigh. 

The RRs cheer their teammate. Laterrian interviews that her actions spoke louder than words, even though she was betrayed. Sarah vamps on the trapeze, and who can blame her? This is her moment, the first time I’ve ever seen her shine this bright. Darrell interviews that he didn’t think she would beat David. I hope that crow is tasty, Darrell. Sarah thanks her teammates for their encouragement. “I hate to admit it,” she laughs, “but I couldn’t have done it without my team. Their help, their previous experience, combined with my will to piss them off and prove them wrong, has created such a wonderful vibe between us.”

Jonny finishes things up by telling David to pack his bags, and he also congratulates Sarah. He adds, “Hopefully, you guys can work out your differences.” Yeah, good luck with that.

Cabin. Sarah feels bad for David, saying “It’s got to be the worst thing in the world to lose to me.” Actually, losing to Beth or the Morgan tribe would be more of a blow. She hopes her win changes things for her. She adds, “Maybe eventually, they’ll start to have faith in me.”

Outside. Okay, this is strictly for the New Orleans fans. Remember the time during Mardi Gras when David was having sex and Matt was trapped in the room? I found out this happened a lot. I say this to give you this irony: Matt is asking David for advice. Things have gotten that bad for Matt. David tells him that he’d have his back if he was staying. “Life Teen is not in there,” he tells his one-time housemate. “People don’t want to hear that.” In David’s mind, Matt has to win fans. Good luck with that.

David packs his stuff. Damn, it’s hard saying goodbye all over again. At least I don’t have to feel twice as bad, like I did for Ayanna last time when she lost her “road dog.” He wishes his team luck. “Get all those checks,” he voiceovers, as he hugs Elka, Mike, and Coral. “I’ll see you again sometime. You’ll all spend the money, break a brother off a little change.” Coral doesn’t think it was a good idea to send a strong person to the Gauntlet. “I just hope that my team members decide not to do that again,” she interviews, “because Mike could be next. I could be next.” David shows his “official David goes away” walk, as he walks to the door, looking over his shoulder. Farewell, Comrade Broom.

Season Highlights! Remember, the mileage might vary. Heck, I didn’t think Rachel had been eliminated when she went into her “this game is ugly!” rant.

Adam clicks his heels while in a flight suit. Mike screams in the cockpit. The giant turntable. Players getting sprayed with water while in their sumo/fat suits. Darrell: “Ten thousand dollars? C’mon, man. I’ll do anything.” Two girls fall off a log while Roni stays on. One girl jumps towards a rope, misses, and plunges into the water. Tonya wants to show how tough she is. Coral complains that the strategy ain’t working. Rachel B.: “We’re competing for the team, but in some ways, we’re competing against each other!” Katie thinks her team sucks.

Gauntlet footage, Jousting. Dead Man’s Drop, with the players hanging by their arms. Mechanical bull. Mike in a dark room: “The Gauntlet tears you apart.” Sarah cries. Darrell: “If you can’t take it, you might as well pack your bags early and go home.” Rachel B. comforts a crying female, telling her “they just keep [bleeping] us over.” Nathan snatches Adam’s cowboy hat. Adam thinks there are crybabies on the RW side. Nathan: “Road Rules is shaking in their [bleeping] boots.”

Theo V. tries to figure out how to fire up his team. Irulan: “I’m not intimated by Veronica or Rachel. I will put them both on their asses.” Has anybody seen Irulan and Emily in the same room? Just thought I’d ask. Tina yells. Coral cries at Mike. Cut to a clip of him dancing with Trishelle. Well, he would be a step up from Steven. Back to Coral weeping: “This is bigger than the game, Mike!” Irulan wants to punch somebody. Trishelle looks messed up. I mean, really messed up. Darrell voiceover: “It’s not personal. It’s just business.” Quick clips of hot tub and shower action. That’s it.

I'm happy to say that I'm still friends with Clara, and I wound up at her place for other Challenge season openers. She's grown out of the show. I am still stuck. If there's a program to get off reality shows that should have ended years ago, I'm all ears.

The funny thing about the episode(s) is that I'm okay with Darrell. Tonight, I saw him take out Zach on Invasion Of The Champions, and I was rooting for him. I think I made my peace with him during Inferno II. Then there was Rachel, whom I regard as perhaps the most overrated player in the show's history. You have to give me that she belongs in the top ten. All muscle, no muscle. Not unlike Zach, when you think about it. Sadly, there would be more people that would toss Sarah to the wolves, but you'll read about that down the line.

I couldn't find the credits online, so I can't post them here. The band was Ill Kid, and the song was "Rock Star." It was rather nice . .. mellow compared to "Let Go" by Midtown.

Showdown at the Real World/Road Rules Corral – Gauntlet Preview Episode

Here's the preview special for The Gauntlet. The one from MTV, not the one where I overthink things. Since tomorrow's forecast calls for a crap-ton of snow, I'll try to get the opening episodes covered tomorrow.

Airdate: September 22, 2003 (once again, I'm thinking this aired the week before the opener)
Recap Published: September 30, 2003

It’s the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet preview episode. Find out bits and pieces of what will be happening this season as Jason brings us all the details.

Last Sunday was a good day. I watched the repeat of Survivor and I witnessed The Amazing Race get an much-deserved Emmy, shocking the critics who didn't know better. Twenty-four hours later, I'm stuck watching the preview of a show that I'm probably going to loathe in about a month. Why do I do this? For the love.

By the way, you might want to read my preview first to find out about the competitors and my initial views on them. I think I was wrong on a few of them... and the show hasn't officially begun yet. Not a good sign for me.

Random shots. Jonny Moseley: "Welcome to the Gauntlet." Katie voiceover: "I think the Real World team sucks [bleep]!" Very classy. Games in the mud. Roni smears some brown stuff in Theo V's mouth. Cara: "This game has serious potential potential to get ugly." Mike yells at Darrell. Rappelling. Old-fashioned airplanes. Theo G: "We're the Real World. Keep it real." Mike gets off the plane. His first words? "Road Rules, kiss my ass, baby!" Delightful as always, Mike.

Credits. Techno-Western music plays as the faces flash on the screen. Irulan voiceover: "I feel like I just wanna [bleeping] punch somebody in the face." A female player rides a mechanical bull. Two guys wrestle. More faces. Guy cheering in the cockpit. Coral dances in the cockpit. More faces.

Cut to out hosts: Jonny Moseley and Coral. Nice choice. Jonny welcomes us to Telluride, Colorado, at the Wyndham Rocks Resort and Spa, where the show takes place. He introduces himself as the "debonair and most-talented host" from Battle of the Sexes. Debonair? Try "merely adequate." Cut to clip of his cell phone going off during Razor's Edge. [2017: The clip aired during the Reunion] He introduces Coral as "most lovely, talented and saucy." Clips of Coral during Battle of the Seasons. Coral talks about how she won $50,000 and how she's back for more. New rules, new missions, etc. Coral: "We got 28 of the most cash-strapped, drama-filled kids to compete for $300,000." She's blunt, but it's mostly good.

Introduction of Mike. Clips of Mike acting like an idiot during Seasons, including going into Miz-mode (his wrestling persona) and talking to Theo with his butt cheeks. Mike took the winnings and enrolled in wrestling school. Cut to the present: Mike rolls around on the floor with another guy, as Darrell handles referee and announcer duties. Mike tries to flip out of the pin, and Darrell gets a leg to his head. Mike to camera: "They'll be many rounds." Panning to his wrestling buddy... Abram: "But we're comin' back for round two!" Confession: in an early commercial of Abram flipping out, I thought he was Mike making a cameo in South Pacific

Introduction of Abram. Of course, we cut to his fight with Donell, which got him kicked off. I don't want to get started on that. "That was a really good experience for me," Abram interviews. "It was a reinforcement of my ideas and my character." Say what? He spewed out some questionable beliefs, alienated half the cast, and let the most obnoxious teammate goad him into a fight. And that was good for him? Whatever. Shot of Abram in a bubble bath with a girl.

Introduction of Elka. She tells us she won $50,000 in Seasons. She's single, and wants to figure out what she wants in a relationship. Shot of her in a hot tub with Theo V.

Introduction of Theo. Quick clip of him in Seasons, challenging people to knock the bottle off his head, only to get a ball to the chest for his troubles. Clip of him losing control of a scooter he just won as it smacks into the curb. Honestly, I missed Theo. You can keep James, dude. Theo admits to having a crush on Elka. Here's my theory: since it's been established he hooked up with Becky and Coral, I think he's working through the cast alphabetically. Theo and Elka chat, and she jokingly suggests marriage.

"Hoo-RAH!" Introduction of Laterrian. Clip of him lifting the guys during Sexes with "RIDE OR [Oedipus Rexing] DIE!" They don't show him getting eight points in two missions. Anyway, he interviews that he's a year older and more of an adult. Cut to a clip of him in a fat suit, struggling on the ice. Word of warning: I'll try to hold off on Donell jokes, but when I get to that episode, all bets are off.

Introduction of Montana. The editors decide not to air her getting reamed out over the phone by her boyfriend, but they do show her getting fired for letting kids taste wine. She insists that her life is "completely different" and that she's changed. For some reason, we get an old clip of her attacking Sean with a broom.

Introduction of Matt. He's wearing a funky cross around his neck. Old clip of him talking to Danny about how sexuality is given to people by God. There's Julie playing Spin the Bottle, grabbing it and trying to kiss Matt. "She's not playing by the rules," he says. "She was expecting a kiss, man!" Old analysis: he's too much of a pig. New analysis: he can see evil in all forms. Yeah, Julie's still on my list. Present day shot of Matt trying to grab a giant blue ball. He tells us he's been speaking in churches as the Life Teen spokesman. Well, better him than Chadwick. Shots of a bible, as Matt talks to the group about voting strategy.

Back to Jonny and Coral. Jonny asks Coral about Matt. "I hope the Lord is with Matt," she replies. "He's gonna need the Lord." She adds that he's one of the skinnier players out there. Well, so was Danny in Seasons, and he lasted until the finale. Coral moves on to Theo, calling him one of the stronger competitors, and suggesting that his loss in Seasons would make him go insane. Cut to a clip of Theo talking trash, "starting with you, Miz-erable." Well, he's not always witty. Jonny asks about Mike, and Coral says that she knows him as "Mike from Parma." She can't say too many bad things about him, since he helped her win the big money. She brings up Abram. Jonny: "I've seen his work." Quick clip of Abram pounding on Donell. It takes Coral a while to spit out that his bark is worse than his bite.

Quick introductions before commercials. First, there's Nathan. Old clip of him smacking Irene in the face with a boxing nun puppet. There's an unwritten law that says Irene has to be showed getting whacked during any preview special. This time, the editors held off on Stephen slapping her. Way to show restraint, MTV. He asks Roni about discussing something rather than talk behind people's backs. Introduction of Roni, or as I like to think of her, the anti-Anne. She says she came to the show because she had no job for the summer. Who wouldn't want to hire her? She's cute, smart, a great dancer, and she was part of the best Road Rules season ever. She gets hugged by her teammates.

Back from commercials. Introduction of Rachel B, with clips of her all big-eyed as she walks around New York. Honestly, she looks a lot more mature. She says that she loves the city, and she's never bored there.

Back to Jonny and Coral. Jonny pimps the show, which will be on "The 10 Spot." MTV still uses that term? I am so out of the loop. Coral goes on about how people watch the Challenges for the drama, and a big part of that is the elimination process, which is worse this year. Jonny agrees, as he brings up the Gauntlet. We get vague black-and-white clips: a variation of Dead Man's Drop, a stick battle, and mechanical bull riding. The hosts explain the new deal: the winning team gets $10,000 to bank, but both teams must vote a teammate into the Gauntlet. The loser goes home, while the winner reunites with the people who voted for that person. Coral thinks that's brutal. Let's see if the footage agrees with her.

Veronica suggests to some of her teammates that the girls have been voted on, while one of the guys hasn't been performing. Sarah feels everybody has something to offer and has screwed up in at least one mission. At the RW pad, Coral lectures about how the current strategy isn't working, and how things need to change. Adam in the hot tub: "I want to make sure I have the strongest balls in my court." Sounds like a double entendre Chuck would've said. Katie says that the "Real World idiots" are cocky. Irulan says that the team can't afford to lose anybody that isn't ready to go. Nathan says it's about winning money. Matt tells his teammates he's prepared to go into the Gauntlet, and he's taken criticism from the first day. While he's going on, Elka rolls her eyes. Now this is a shame: Mike, on the verge of tears, can't bring himself to vote for Coral. Alton and Irulan talk outside, and she's near tears. Katie yells at Veronica, and Laterrian tries to calm her down. Rachel R.: "I'm telling you, us women are taking down each other." She's been there and done that. Irulan says she can't do this. Adam tells Katie it's not about friendship. Laterrian feels like crap. Katie explodes at Veronica. "You're one of the bitches that voted me [bleeping] off!" she bellows. "I'm not dumb! I know you did!" Uh oh. Hide the axes!

Back to Jonny and Coral. Jonny thinks the players are a tough crowd. Coral responds, "We are some tough-ass bitches!" She wonders what ever happened to voting off the lowest score. Like you did with Stephen and Lindsay? I'm kidding... Stephen would have been dumped no matter what, contract or not. Jonny segues into the next contestant introductions.

Introduction of Adam. Montage of Adam acting like a jackass, attributed then to his ADD. Since his season, Adam has biked across the country, and he's now in Los Angeles to pursue acting. He's got a beard, but it's not as scraggly as Jamie's. Present-day shot of him climbing out of a car. He tells Katie that he's the strongest competitor. Her response? "He's gonna make the game ugly because you're being a [bleep]!"

Introduction of Katie: a freeze-frame of her, cigarette in one hand, flipping the bird with the other, saying "they can go [bleep] themselves!" Classy. Clip of her in Spain, during the meringue fight. Clip of her licking Steve's face. She has moved to Hollywood to take acting classes, and her roommate is Trishelle. Shot of them in the hot tub.

Introduction of Trishelle. Clips of the hot tub orgy and making out with Steven. I want the part where Frank, who was smitten with her, makes the gun-to-the-head gesture. Suddenly...topless women! Trishelle explains that she and Katie posed for Playboy. I guess Hef saw them as a package deal; who'd get hot and bothered over a substitute Roadie? Trishelle: "The photos look great. They're tasteful, and-" Katie interrupting: "No crotch shots!" I have no response.

Introduction of Steve. Hi, Steve! I'll try to keep the Television Without Pity references to a minimum. Anyway, there's Steve in Fes, getting his organ crushed in the narrow corridors. "Since I was on a reality TV show," he says, "I decided to move to L.A. and become an actor." Soundtrack grinds to a halt. "Wait, that's everybody else." Ha! Clip of him squirting a girl with meringue. He voiceovers that he taught second- and third-graders, and he's moved to New York. Clip of him running in a fat suit. He treads water. Cut to David getting out of the water. I hate these segue clips.

Introduction of David. Old-school clip of him scatting. I can't begin to sound it out and convert it to words. He's making a weird face, and that's not helping. Melissa and Danny get on his case as David gets angsty. Clip of him messing up Breath HoldBungee. "My Challenge before was good," he tells us, "but this one's gonna be better." That might be debatable: we get a clip of him throwing out a towel in disgust. Maybe him and water really don't get along.

Introduction of Sarah. Old clip of her crying about how her parents didn't know. The editors don't show any of her failures, opting for the nude painting and her grabbing a key in a case containing spiders. "Watching yourself on TV," she philosophizes, "you kind of start to realize maybe you're not exactly how you see yourself." Shot of her at a table, chatting up Rachel B.

Introduction of Norman. Old clips of him in New York. Clip of him preparing for Slam Dunk in Seasons without his partner Becky, who was scared of heights. I think I had more to say about him than MTV. That's sad.

Introduction of Rachel R., standing in the bubble bath, soap covering her chest. Highlights of her in Sexes. She interviews, "I decided to do another Challenge because I was so cheated out of my experience last time." Cut to the Inner Circle From Hell, where Emily and Ellen trash on her, and Ruthie lets them. "This game is ugly!" she tells the camera. "The Inner Circle is ugly!" She claims that she's better prepared now.

Back to Jonny and Coral. Jonny does the absolute worst Rachel impression ever. She should smack him for that, it's that bad. Coral laughs, urging Rachel to stay in her bikini. Jonny brings up Trishelle. Coral goes for the obvious path, thinking that there would be men here. "Dudes in the dude ranch," Jonny quips. Shut up, Jonny. Maybe Colin did take Jonny's place after all. Coral doesn't think Katie can control her temper.

Introduction of Theo G. Clip of him telling Tonya to shut up. He interviews that he's never been on television with a girlfriend before, and he might act differently than before. He adds, "I don't feel like I need to starve for attention like a lot of other people may be doing here."

Introduction of Tonya. Old clip of her feeling the need to throw a glass at Theo. It's hard to imagine that at one time, any interaction I wanted with her was with a crowbar. Anyway, she's enrolled at UCLA. She insists to others that she hasn't performed poorly.

Back to Jonny and Coral. They banter before commercials. Coral: "Don't go anywhere. I'll send the Miz after your ass." Big deal... I just throw a six-pack to the side, and I'd be safe.

Introduction of Darrell. He's changed his hair and lost the crazy sideburns. Clip of Shane smacking him in the face. One reason that I've softened on Campus Crawl is that those two eventually settled their beef in the same episode. And they beat South Pacific. Anyway, we see him paddling on an inflatable raft. "I'm here for the free trip," he interviews, "and I'm trying to win some more money."

Jonny and Coral are poolside, wearing robes. Coral takes a look at the rest of the contestants, "including a few romantic couples, which makes me physically sick."

Introduction of Dave. Clip of him in the stripping mission. Pardon me while I wash my eyeballs after getting another look at Donell in a thong. Introduction of Cara, who voiceovers that they started dating after the show. What happened between Dave and Mary-Beth? Not that I care, of course. Dave tells us that Cara dumped her boyfriend and he moved in with her. In the present, they lay in bed, and Cara wishes that Dave didn't want "alone time" right now. Cara in interview: "There might be some kind of drama along the way. It could be a little whiney." Cara and Coral argue, and Cara curses. "Don't say [bleep] you to me," Coral replies. "I don't know you like that. That's a little much." Messing with Coral? That's a rookie mistake.

Introduction of Coral. She dances the "I won money and I don't gotta share it with Holly" boogie in Seasons. She thinks that her previous experience as a "proven winner" gives her an advantage. "I will [bleep] somebody up for a car," she tells Tonya. "I will eat bull nuts. I will eat a cow's [bleep]. I'm talking about balls of hair soaked in [bleep]. Gimme the Saturn!" Who knew Coral had a Campus Crawl player within her?

Introduction of Tina, the discount Coral. She learned that she's very high-strung. "I don't give people chances," she interviews. "I am quick to judge." Cut to her shamelessly flirting with Dave, while Mary-Beth, Dave's squeeze at the time, concentrates on picking a lock. Tina insists she has mellowed out. Cut to her crying in a pool with floating snakes. Is it wrong that I find pleasure in that?

Introduction of Veronica. Brief clip of her parachuting in Challenge 2000. She rappels in Telluride. She interviews that she'd like to own her own business, since she can't work for anybody. In a competitions, she keeps grabbing Irulan. "You don't put your [bleeping] hands on me, period," Irulan snipes, "because you will get dropped." Oh, please. After dealing with Emily, Veronica probably isn't afraid of anybody.

Introduction of Irulan and Alton. Clip of them wrestling in Vegas. They're currently living together. Alton: "I would say my head, my heart, and my spirit have just been with Irulan." She says they've been trying their hand in the entertainment business. I guess not all reality alumni can be teachers. Alton roots a teammate on in rappelling. Irulan jumps towards a rope, but misses and falls in the water. She says that their ultimate goal is to win the money.

Back to Jonny and Coral. She thinks Irulan is "small and scrawny," but she might be one of the top competitors. After all, Irulan did outwrestle Rachel R. a while back. Coral continues: "There's this girl Coral on the Real World team. I heard she was a bitch." Clip from Seasons of Coral smacking Mike with an answer card. Jonny moves on to Veronica. He doesn't want to say anything, but he knows about one person taking part in a threesome, and how that could be used strategically. Shot of Veronica walking out of the shower. I can hear Emily cracking her knuckles. Jonny segues into how the cast members get "dirty" around water. "That's why I lock my shower door," Coral replies.

Montage of free love. I never guessed that was missing in Sexes. Darrell's in the bubble bath, and he's moaning as Adam gets naked, the Road Rules logo covering his butt. Roni takes a picture of Abram, Veronica and Rachel R. Mike drops his shorts on a dare. Veronica pecks Tonya's lips in the hot tub. I see Abram getting into the shower, and he's macking with somebody. I think it's Rachel R., but don't hold me to that. Off screen, his teammates urge him to write "Real World Sucks" on the steamed glass. Pan to Roadies in the bath. Theo's wearing a Santa cap. Once again, I missed Theo so much.

Back to Jonny and Coral. Jonny notes they haven't talked about the missions yet. Missions? So it's not just about the fighting, gossiping and casual sex? Color me shocked.

Players jump on a rope suspended by a helicopter. Dave paddles frantically on an inflated raft. The players whirl around on a giant turntable. Log rolling. Running an obstacle course in fat suits. Steve: "I'm engulfing the powers of the Yokazuna, the grand champion of the sumo, and combine it with the raw power of Donkey Kong." More running in the suits. Climbing on a rotating ladder. Theo G. climbs out the window of a car suspended a few hundred feet in the air, negotiates a horizontal ladder, climbs into another car, and honks the horn. Old airplanes flying. Jonny voiceover: "Your next challenge: Red Baron." Dogfighting. Awesome. Players trend snake-filled water. Roni holds onto a rope above the snakes. Rappelling. Adam: "That was an awesome effort! Way to not give up!" Team rowing. Adam again: "Hey, Real World, see you in Telluride!"

Back to Jonny and Coral one last time. Jonny pimps the start date (Monday at 10 pm) and the Fantasy Challenge (on mtv.com). Coral guarantees she'll be in front of her television set, finding out who's been talking smack about her. I will also be in front of a set that day, fearing for those who disrespect Coral. See you next week! Hoo-RAH!

Not much I can add. Keep warm and safe tomorrow.