I watch television. A lot of it. Perhaps too much to be healthy. Some of it sucks and I'm all right with that. Sometimes, I watch a show that isn't good for me, yet I watch because I want to stick with it as long as I can. Smallville is a prime example; the premise of Clark Kent growing up without calling himself "Superboy" lost its appeal years ago. I can go on about it, but I want to talk about another show where all hope has been abandoned: Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Specifically, the current season: The Ruins.
I know that show is supposed to be trashy. It was trashy in the days of Challenge 2000 and Extreme Challenge. It was trashy while I was recapping it for six seasons. But now, it's gotten VH1 reality show trashy. True, there hasn't been a deuce dropped on stairs -- at least none that has made it on air -- and the biggest would-be candidate for Tool Academy is currently on The Amazing Race. But thanks to several bad apples, the Challenge has gotten to be downright unbearable . . . and we're only two episodes into the current season.
The usual suspects have stepped up to rise as this season's Axis of Ass: Evan, Johnny and Kenny. These three have been trying to run Challenges for years, and they're all punks. Worse, they're punks who won big money in the past two seasons (The Island for Johnny and Kenny, Duel 2 for Evan). Joining the Axis this season is Darrell. I've had mixed feeling about him; he started his Challenge career by trying to throw Sarah -- my favorite player -- under the bus in The Gauntlet. Yes, Sarah was a competitive underachiever back then, but I didn't need her ex-castmates from Road Rules: Campus Crawl Darrell and Rachel looking to boot her off right away. Over time, I mellowed on Darrell as he lost his attitude and steered clear of drama, winning a record four Challenges in as many tries.
So where did Darrell go wrong? In an obvious attempt to get Wes kicked off the show, he openly talked shit about his girlfriend Kelly Anne. He kept saying that Wes couldn't "turn the ho into a housewife" in order to get punched by Wes, thereby getting him booted. Not that Wes's action would be tragic to his Champions team (those who have won Challenges in the past); Bunim-Murray Productions probably has MJ on speed-dial, after he was brought into Gauntlet 3 and Duel 2 in similar circumstances. Also, I suffered a flashback of my own. Back in the days when I was attending talk shows for article fodder, I made the mistake of going to a taping of Sally Jesse. There were newlyweds whose marriages were already on the rocks, an there was this one guy decked out in a blue suit, insisting over and over, "You can't turn that freak into a housewife!" It was so bad, I bailed out of a subsequent taping right away. Anyway, Darrell made me remember that, and he sucks for it.
Getting back to Wes . . . at this point, he's the closest thing to a protagonist this season has. For those new to the show, he was one of the worse things about The Real World Austin, which was one of the ugliest seasons in the history of the show, Real World Awards results be damned. He's not a team player . . . in fact, he's never been on a team before, having played for himself (The Duel) and partnered with Casey (Fresh Meat). So he gets put on the Champions team, and he has this idea of pulling names out of a hat to determine who would be up for a potential sacrifice. Really quick: three men and three women from each side step up before the mission, and the winning team's sextet determine the male and female matchups for the endgame known as The Ruins, where the winner stays in the game while the loser goes home. Anyway, Wes is obsessed with the hat, and while the Axis were justified in shooting him down, they did it in the douchiest way possible. So Wes decided to out-douche the Axis by scheming to throw missions whenever possible.
Onto the second episode. A plan is hatched to put the screws to Wes. The scheme: get the Challengers to put up Kelly Anne, then bring in Evelyn from the Champions to take her out in The Ruins. Of course, Kelly Anne and Evelyn are best friends, and they're the only people in the game -- along with Wes -- who don't know the plan is coming. And when the Champions majority -- Derrick, Johnny, Susie and Katie -- take Evelyn's Ruins choice out of her hands, she exploded. Apparently, she learned nothing about how Johnny put the screws to her in The Island. She probably thought everything was cool after she won the final mission along with Johnny, Kenny and Derrick. It never occured to her that Johnny could still be a scumbag. And shame on Derrick for rolling over like the 5-foot-6 dog that he is. Way to set an example to your wife and kid, Wee D.
Anyway, Wes and Evelyn had their Hulk-outs, while the Axis were shocked -- SHOCKED! -- that Evelyn would have reservation about fighting her BFF instead of a weak Casey. Evelyn threatened to throw missions down the line, while Wes got up in Johnny's fugly grill. When the two strongest members of your team are openly rebelling, it's not a good thing.
Cut to The Ruins: Evelyn and Kelly Anne are pitted against each other, and Evelyn decides the best way to screw her team . . . was to throw the game. Instead of making the Champions' lives a living hell, she took the easy way out, and this came three seasons after she crapped on Coral for doing something similar. And that's why I can't like Evelyn, ever.
There's so much other bullshit to sift through, like Johanna threatening to sell Wes's house from under him, Tonya being a human trainwreck, and the next episode, where Veronica snuggles up to Evan, making one of the fugliest couples in reality show history. There doesn't seem to be any genuinely feel-good moments on the horizon; even if all three main Axis members are taken out, you still have a lot of idiots who don't deserve the money to be won. In fact, there are only three people worth rooting for without guilt: Cohutta (no drama, good sense of humor), Syrus (fun older guy) and Brad (guy who has gotten screwed in every Challenge he's been in to date). Worse, BMP is bringing back the "Fresh Meat" edition for next season, where reality headaches old (Wes, Evelyn, Kenny) and new (CJ from RW: Cancun, Katelynn from RW: Brooklyn) are paired up with newcomers . . . and if you think the company would bring in a few stable people like last time (Aviv, Linette, Ryan), you're sadly mistaken.
I wish I could quit this show with all these mental midgets. It would be nice to see South Park at 10 p.m. instead of waiting for the midnight repeat. But I'm stuck with this show, for better or for far, far worse. And unlike actual marriages, I don't think I'd get alimony if I break it off.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Reality Rants: Host With The Least
A funny thing happened when I was contemplating recapping the latest season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Namely, I got a job. While it's a part-time position, it's important enough where I can't waste extra brain cells searching for quotes, picking out moments, and telling people to shut up like they can hear me. But I'm willing to compromise. So here's my plan: whenever I feel like it, I will engage in a "Reality Rant," going off on whatever's bugging me in the genre. And what better way to start than with the Emmys . . . specifically, the "Best Host" category.
The thing you have to understand about me is that I'm a devoted fan to The Amazing Race. I don't think it was an accident that it won Best Competitive Program seven years in a row. Sure, you'd think the Emmy voters might be lazy, and there have been off years for the show (Family Edition, anybody?), but I firmly believe that even at its lowest point, it still kicks ass. And a big part of that success lies with its host, Phil Keoghan.
In case you're new, I'll be brief. Phil comes from New Zealand, finishing runner-up for the Survivor hosting gig. He acts as the show's narrator, guiding the audience to the exotic locales the Racers run through. He greats the teams at the end of each episode, often eliminating the last pair to arrive. And perhaps most importantly, there isn't a time where he makes himself more important than the show.
Cut to Emmy night. Phil is nominated for Best Host after getting snubbed last year. It seems like a slam dunk; since TAR is the only winner of its category, why wouldn't Phil win his? Wrong. Instead, it goes to Jeff Probst. Again. Cut to me yelling "BULLSHIT!" at the television screen.
What was my problem? Jeff Probst was the right guy at the right time, hosting Survivor as it led the reality television boom of 2000. But that was then, and this is now: Probst has become more of a factor on the show than he should be these days. His running commentary affects challenges. At Tribal Council, he once shamed a tribe into picking a leader on the spot. And he loves alpha males in such an unhealthy way, it makes him disdain almost any other competitor. Sure, he dated one-time contestant Julie Berry (from Vanuatu), but you have to wonder about him at times. Clearly, this is not the guy who should be given an award for being a dick.
Order was restored a few minutes later, when TAR won its seventh straight Emmy. You can say that Phil sharing a stage with the production people is a metaphor for how the show is a team effort, but it still felt hollow. Clearly, there had to be a way to stop Emmy voters from making the same mistake next year. My solution: open up the category by renaming it Best Permanant Cast Member. This way, judges and other personalities can be elligible. I don't want Project Runway, but I've heard enough about Tim Gunn to know he could wipe with Probst. At this point, I don't care who does it, as long as it gets done.
Attention, Emmy voters! You guaranteed a scene in Season 20 of Survivor where Probst, clearly thinking he's in the right, will snuggle in the lap of JT and/or James. And guess what? It's your fault that it'll happen.
The thing you have to understand about me is that I'm a devoted fan to The Amazing Race. I don't think it was an accident that it won Best Competitive Program seven years in a row. Sure, you'd think the Emmy voters might be lazy, and there have been off years for the show (Family Edition, anybody?), but I firmly believe that even at its lowest point, it still kicks ass. And a big part of that success lies with its host, Phil Keoghan.
In case you're new, I'll be brief. Phil comes from New Zealand, finishing runner-up for the Survivor hosting gig. He acts as the show's narrator, guiding the audience to the exotic locales the Racers run through. He greats the teams at the end of each episode, often eliminating the last pair to arrive. And perhaps most importantly, there isn't a time where he makes himself more important than the show.
Cut to Emmy night. Phil is nominated for Best Host after getting snubbed last year. It seems like a slam dunk; since TAR is the only winner of its category, why wouldn't Phil win his? Wrong. Instead, it goes to Jeff Probst. Again. Cut to me yelling "BULLSHIT!" at the television screen.
What was my problem? Jeff Probst was the right guy at the right time, hosting Survivor as it led the reality television boom of 2000. But that was then, and this is now: Probst has become more of a factor on the show than he should be these days. His running commentary affects challenges. At Tribal Council, he once shamed a tribe into picking a leader on the spot. And he loves alpha males in such an unhealthy way, it makes him disdain almost any other competitor. Sure, he dated one-time contestant Julie Berry (from Vanuatu), but you have to wonder about him at times. Clearly, this is not the guy who should be given an award for being a dick.
Order was restored a few minutes later, when TAR won its seventh straight Emmy. You can say that Phil sharing a stage with the production people is a metaphor for how the show is a team effort, but it still felt hollow. Clearly, there had to be a way to stop Emmy voters from making the same mistake next year. My solution: open up the category by renaming it Best Permanant Cast Member. This way, judges and other personalities can be elligible. I don't want Project Runway, but I've heard enough about Tim Gunn to know he could wipe with Probst. At this point, I don't care who does it, as long as it gets done.
Attention, Emmy voters! You guaranteed a scene in Season 20 of Survivor where Probst, clearly thinking he's in the right, will snuggle in the lap of JT and/or James. And guess what? It's your fault that it'll happen.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Battle of the Sexes (2003)
Once upon a time, I considered Rachel, Veronica and Eric Nies to be human beings, I thought Emily was the biggest bitch out there, and that Puck was the biggest douche alive. Guess which two I've reconsidered since my time recapping Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle Of The Sexes?
After my stint on Dog Days, I picked up where Television Without Pity left off, recapping Bunim-Murray Production's band of money-hungry misfits and their monkeyshines. In retrospect, I think I did a good job, even if I was easily irritated and in the proverbial bag for Melissa. You'll see lots of quotes, requests to shut up, and the feeling that I could be doing something else. And that's what I called "fun."
The Good, the Bad & the Notorious Host Jonny "Big Air" Moseley and contestant Ruthie preview the newest season of the Challenge.
Guide to the Fantasy Game Remember the fantasy game on MTV.com, where you picked players and got points for all the stuff they did? I give advise here. Oh, and I didn't pick Puck during the whole season, because I would have felt dirty.
Episodes 1 & 2: Jamaica Me Crazy The season starts strong, with a fierce battle between David from Los Angeles and Puck, Melissa ranking on her roommate-turned-enemy Julie, and one of the biggest upsets in Challenge history.
Episode 3: Riding (and Dying) in Cars with Boys Laterrian's gung ho attitude gets him nowhere with a pitiful score, while Beth gets booted over a pregnant Gladys. Also: Ruthie reveals herself as Superwoman for the first time.
Episode 4: Log Cabin Fever Puck celebrates his birthday by picking on Ellen. Meanwhile, the teams try their hand at log cabin building, and Jisela contemplates killing Jonny.
Episode 5: Will You Be My Baby Tonight? The sweet romance between one of the most egocentric characters in BMP history and crazy Ayanna fizzles as David is voted out of the game. Also: Puck's relatively sane fiance and baby son come to Jamaica, and he apparently threatens to kick Ellen's ass.
Episode 6: My Big Fat Puck Wedding If you ever hated Puck as much as I do, this is not the episode for you. I suffer through it so you don't have to. Also: Aneesa walks around topless.
Episode 7: Everybody Loathes Ellen Ellen works everybody's nerves, including mine. Puck wins a mission with Theo. Bonus: my somewhat flawed Survivor: The Amazon predictions.
Episode 8: Cold-Butted Snakes The drama peaks as Emily convinces Ellen and Ruthie to screw team protocol and vote off Rachel. Also: an ice-cold mission turns Melissa into a Melissicle.
Episode 9: Life Goes On, Puck makes a dramatic exit from the game. Dan's welcomed back with open arms, only to depart yet again.
Sharing the Blame: An Analysis of Puck’s Departure from ‘Battle of the Sexes’ I put a little too much thought into Puck leaving and BMP's less-than-stellar efforts.
Episode 10: Shirks and Skins A mission involving trivia and stripping splinters the girls' team, even though THE STRIPPING IS STRICTLY OPTIONAL. In other news, Veronica fails to get Emily booted, and Jake leaves on his own. Jake who? Exactly.
A Midseason Review With an off-week, I take a look at the season thus far. Also: my conspiracy theory centering on the David/Puck fight.
Men’s Midterm Review A look at the men's highlights so far.
Women’s Midterm Review A look at the women's highlights so far.
Episode 11: The Ancient Jungle Monkey (And Other Jamaican Folk Tales) While Emily's clique bashes Veronica, Eric climbs like the eldery simian that he is.
Episode 12: True Colors Emily (and her bloody axe) strikes again, convincing Ellen and Ruthie to dump Veronica and her ton of makeup. Also: Jamie is sexual chocolate, while Melissa makes like a poor man's Peter Pan.
Episode 13: Ayanna Get Your Gun It's Ayanna vs. the underfed Anne, as the girls are overmatched by the guys (with a Warriors-invoking Jamie) and their laser guns.
Episode 14: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Shane contemplates leaving the game, stays on, wins the mission, and finally puts the Ion Lifesaver to good use.
Episode 15: Passing the Franc At long last, the men are forced to make a decision as to who should get sent packing, and their choice has a major effect for the women.
Episode 16: Everybody Sucks Don't mind me . . . I'm just mad at everybody and everything, including MTV for a technical glitch.
Episode 17: Penultimate Plunge, A harrowing mission gives Ruthie the best stage to show off her superhuman skills. In other news, two of the most entertaining players are eliminated, and Lori finally gets some camera time.
Episode 18: Finale The guys and girls fight it out for the $150,000 grand prize, and the boys kind of cheat to win it all.
Hot & Bothered: The RW/RR Challenge Battle of the Sexes Reunion Cast members reunite to look back at BOTS.
After my stint on Dog Days, I picked up where Television Without Pity left off, recapping Bunim-Murray Production's band of money-hungry misfits and their monkeyshines. In retrospect, I think I did a good job, even if I was easily irritated and in the proverbial bag for Melissa. You'll see lots of quotes, requests to shut up, and the feeling that I could be doing something else. And that's what I called "fun."
Prelude: Once Upon A Time In Jamaica A brief history of the franchise prior to Battle Of The Sexes. (posted on Augst 29, 2016)
The Good, the Bad & the Notorious Host Jonny "Big Air" Moseley and contestant Ruthie preview the newest season of the Challenge.
Guide to the Fantasy Game Remember the fantasy game on MTV.com, where you picked players and got points for all the stuff they did? I give advise here. Oh, and I didn't pick Puck during the whole season, because I would have felt dirty.
Episodes 1 & 2: Jamaica Me Crazy The season starts strong, with a fierce battle between David from Los Angeles and Puck, Melissa ranking on her roommate-turned-enemy Julie, and one of the biggest upsets in Challenge history.
Episode 3: Riding (and Dying) in Cars with Boys Laterrian's gung ho attitude gets him nowhere with a pitiful score, while Beth gets booted over a pregnant Gladys. Also: Ruthie reveals herself as Superwoman for the first time.
Episode 4: Log Cabin Fever Puck celebrates his birthday by picking on Ellen. Meanwhile, the teams try their hand at log cabin building, and Jisela contemplates killing Jonny.
Episode 5: Will You Be My Baby Tonight? The sweet romance between one of the most egocentric characters in BMP history and crazy Ayanna fizzles as David is voted out of the game. Also: Puck's relatively sane fiance and baby son come to Jamaica, and he apparently threatens to kick Ellen's ass.
Episode 6: My Big Fat Puck Wedding If you ever hated Puck as much as I do, this is not the episode for you. I suffer through it so you don't have to. Also: Aneesa walks around topless.
Episode 7: Everybody Loathes Ellen Ellen works everybody's nerves, including mine. Puck wins a mission with Theo. Bonus: my somewhat flawed Survivor: The Amazon predictions.
Episode 8: Cold-Butted Snakes The drama peaks as Emily convinces Ellen and Ruthie to screw team protocol and vote off Rachel. Also: an ice-cold mission turns Melissa into a Melissicle.
Episode 9: Life Goes On, Puck makes a dramatic exit from the game. Dan's welcomed back with open arms, only to depart yet again.
Sharing the Blame: An Analysis of Puck’s Departure from ‘Battle of the Sexes’ I put a little too much thought into Puck leaving and BMP's less-than-stellar efforts.
Episode 10: Shirks and Skins A mission involving trivia and stripping splinters the girls' team, even though THE STRIPPING IS STRICTLY OPTIONAL. In other news, Veronica fails to get Emily booted, and Jake leaves on his own. Jake who? Exactly.
A Midseason Review With an off-week, I take a look at the season thus far. Also: my conspiracy theory centering on the David/Puck fight.
Men’s Midterm Review A look at the men's highlights so far.
Women’s Midterm Review A look at the women's highlights so far.
Episode 11: The Ancient Jungle Monkey (And Other Jamaican Folk Tales) While Emily's clique bashes Veronica, Eric climbs like the eldery simian that he is.
Episode 12: True Colors Emily (and her bloody axe) strikes again, convincing Ellen and Ruthie to dump Veronica and her ton of makeup. Also: Jamie is sexual chocolate, while Melissa makes like a poor man's Peter Pan.
Episode 13: Ayanna Get Your Gun It's Ayanna vs. the underfed Anne, as the girls are overmatched by the guys (with a Warriors-invoking Jamie) and their laser guns.
Episode 14: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Shane contemplates leaving the game, stays on, wins the mission, and finally puts the Ion Lifesaver to good use.
Episode 15: Passing the Franc At long last, the men are forced to make a decision as to who should get sent packing, and their choice has a major effect for the women.
Episode 16: Everybody Sucks Don't mind me . . . I'm just mad at everybody and everything, including MTV for a technical glitch.
Episode 17: Penultimate Plunge, A harrowing mission gives Ruthie the best stage to show off her superhuman skills. In other news, two of the most entertaining players are eliminated, and Lori finally gets some camera time.
Episode 18: Finale The guys and girls fight it out for the $150,000 grand prize, and the boys kind of cheat to win it all.
Hot & Bothered: The RW/RR Challenge Battle of the Sexes Reunion Cast members reunite to look back at BOTS.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Gauntlet 2 (2005-2006)
Gauntlet 2: An Overview: A preview of the horror that is to come.
Rookie Guys Preview: A quick look at Adam K., Alton, Danny, Jamie, Jeremy, Landon, MJ and Randy.
Rookie Girls Preview: A brief insight into Cameran, Cara, Ibis, Jillian, Jo, Jodie, Kina and Susie.
Veteran Guys Preview: A peek into Ace, Adam L., Brad, David, Derrick, Mark, Syrus and Timmy.
Veteran Girls Preview: Analysis of Aneesa, Jisela, Julie, Katie, Montana, Robin and Ruthie. And Beth. Boo, hiss.
Rough Seas Ahead: The Gauntlet 2 Preview Special: Host TJ Lavin takes a look at the upcoming season.
Episode 1: Debacle Of Madness: The gang gets adjusted to their new digs and Jo freaks the hell out.
Episode 2: Delayed Karma: Jo quits, Derrick starts kicking ass, and Adam Larson gets kicked in the teeth four seasons too late.
Episode 3: Succumb All Ye Faithful: A boring episode is saved with Cameran quitting and Aneesa trying to cut Cara with words.
Episode 4: Earmuffed: The kids take part in pyramid scheming, Danny gets pissy, and Alton humilates him in the Gauntlet.
Episode 5: Mark Smash! Nice guy Mark finally explodes like the douche that he is. In other news, the season's token erotic mission is unveiled, and Jisela takes her usual departure.
Episode 6: Brokeback Meatheads: Brad and Derrick get into it, overshadowing a Speedo mission and Adam King going home.
Episode 7: Horror & Disbelief: The season takes a turn for the worse when Beth beats Ruthie in the Gauntlet. Plus: Alton is Superman, and Montana gets in some choice shots at Beth.
Episode 8: Clutch Performance: Cara and Susie come under suspicion, both teams struggle with a truck-pushing mission, and Ace's screw-up costs him a shot at the finish.
Episode 9: The Eighth Sign: Beth runs her mouth, underachieves in the mission . . . then chucks rival Montana out of the game. Clearly, karma has given this show a pass.
Episode 10: Broken Bull: Jodi and Alton get closer to each other. Syrus picks a bad time to fail, and an overmatched Derrick chucks him out of the game, causing Beth to cry.
Episode 11: Resistance Is Futile: The teams engage in rope-holding. Beth somehow doesn't go to the Gauntlet, but Cara does.
Episode 12: Tired And Sick: Beth underachieves yet again, but Ibis and simple mathematics defeat the Rookies, who wind up sacrificing Jeremy to Mt. Alton.
Episode 13: Beth Ruins Everything: Good news: Beth is finally gone. Bad news: she does it in the most self-pleasing way possible, avoiding a predestined and deserved beating from Aneesa.
Episode 14: Television With Pit: The teams improvise to climb out of a hole. Derrick and Brad finally have it out in the Gauntlet. Plus: more Alton/Jodi canoodling.
Episode 15: Blind Faith: After a mission of blind trust, Kina goes mental before taking out Jillian in the Gauntlet.
Episode 16: Penulitmate Pitfall: Derrick rips his indecisive team, and a poor table pays the price for his anger.
Episode 17: Whimper: After a dramatic Gauntlet, the Veterans let themselves and everybody else down, bringing a crappy season to a crappier end.
Rookie Guys Preview: A quick look at Adam K., Alton, Danny, Jamie, Jeremy, Landon, MJ and Randy.
Rookie Girls Preview: A brief insight into Cameran, Cara, Ibis, Jillian, Jo, Jodie, Kina and Susie.
Veteran Guys Preview: A peek into Ace, Adam L., Brad, David, Derrick, Mark, Syrus and Timmy.
Veteran Girls Preview: Analysis of Aneesa, Jisela, Julie, Katie, Montana, Robin and Ruthie. And Beth. Boo, hiss.
Rough Seas Ahead: The Gauntlet 2 Preview Special: Host TJ Lavin takes a look at the upcoming season.
Episode 1: Debacle Of Madness: The gang gets adjusted to their new digs and Jo freaks the hell out.
Episode 2: Delayed Karma: Jo quits, Derrick starts kicking ass, and Adam Larson gets kicked in the teeth four seasons too late.
Episode 3: Succumb All Ye Faithful: A boring episode is saved with Cameran quitting and Aneesa trying to cut Cara with words.
Episode 4: Earmuffed: The kids take part in pyramid scheming, Danny gets pissy, and Alton humilates him in the Gauntlet.
Episode 5: Mark Smash! Nice guy Mark finally explodes like the douche that he is. In other news, the season's token erotic mission is unveiled, and Jisela takes her usual departure.
Episode 6: Brokeback Meatheads: Brad and Derrick get into it, overshadowing a Speedo mission and Adam King going home.
Episode 7: Horror & Disbelief: The season takes a turn for the worse when Beth beats Ruthie in the Gauntlet. Plus: Alton is Superman, and Montana gets in some choice shots at Beth.
Episode 8: Clutch Performance: Cara and Susie come under suspicion, both teams struggle with a truck-pushing mission, and Ace's screw-up costs him a shot at the finish.
Episode 9: The Eighth Sign: Beth runs her mouth, underachieves in the mission . . . then chucks rival Montana out of the game. Clearly, karma has given this show a pass.
Episode 10: Broken Bull: Jodi and Alton get closer to each other. Syrus picks a bad time to fail, and an overmatched Derrick chucks him out of the game, causing Beth to cry.
Episode 11: Resistance Is Futile: The teams engage in rope-holding. Beth somehow doesn't go to the Gauntlet, but Cara does.
Episode 12: Tired And Sick: Beth underachieves yet again, but Ibis and simple mathematics defeat the Rookies, who wind up sacrificing Jeremy to Mt. Alton.
Episode 13: Beth Ruins Everything: Good news: Beth is finally gone. Bad news: she does it in the most self-pleasing way possible, avoiding a predestined and deserved beating from Aneesa.
Episode 14: Television With Pit: The teams improvise to climb out of a hole. Derrick and Brad finally have it out in the Gauntlet. Plus: more Alton/Jodi canoodling.
Episode 15: Blind Faith: After a mission of blind trust, Kina goes mental before taking out Jillian in the Gauntlet.
Episode 16: Penulitmate Pitfall: Derrick rips his indecisive team, and a poor table pays the price for his anger.
Episode 17: Whimper: After a dramatic Gauntlet, the Veterans let themselves and everybody else down, bringing a crappy season to a crappier end.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Who Wants To Be A Superhero? (2006)
Back when I was recapping for a reality site, there was one show that I wanted to recap. Who Wants To Be A Superhero? was in developmental limbo for years; I wound up picking up an application back at Comic Con International in 2003. I was told that I'd get to recap the show once it came out, but then it got promised to another. By the time the show came out on Sci Fi (now SyFy) in 2006, I was independent and a few months removed from quitting recapping The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
You'll notice that I only recapped the first half of the season. What happened? I got the first three episodes covered, but then I dawdled on the fourth. In the mess in my room, I still have the notes from that episode. I just fell behind, and I decided to pull the plug without any fanfare. Aside from the elimination of fan favorite Major Victory, there weren't any real surprises, as superfan Feedback triumphed over Fat Momma to win a mediocre one-shot comic from Dark Horse.
It's not that I stopped caring about the show. Not only did I watch the second (and final) season, I wound up getting -- to date -- ten sketches based on the contestants from both editions. Really, how many other reality shows can you do that with and not feel weird about it afterward? And I hope for a revival down the line. Even with the misfits (Ms. Limelight and Mr. Mitzvah from the second season), plants (Rotiart and Iron Enforcer) and questionable decisions made by sole judge Stan Lee (the eliminations of Tyveculus and Major Victory), it was a great show. While other summer reality shows featured backstabbers, media whores and all-around losers, WWTBAS? had people trying to reach a higher standard, attempting to be better people in the process. Looking back, it's a miracle the show got two seasons.
So, for your reading pleasure . . .
Issue #1: Heroism 101: Stan Lee deals out harsh lessons for the assembled heroes. Levity learns that he can sell himself too much, Nitro G comes up a little short (in more ways than one), and Major Victory commences to chew scenery.
Issue #2: Mad Dogs & Makeovers: The heroes endure a test of bravery, then get costume makeovers. Cell Phone Girl gets disconnected, Stan makes Iron Enforcer an offer he can't refuse, and Monkey Woman becomes doggy chow.
Issue #3: Stan Never Promised A Rose Garden: After botching a hidden mission, Monkey Woman gets destroyed by Snarlin' Stan. In other news: Dark Enforcer is unleashed on the heroes, and Tyveculus fails to take himself down a peg, winding up running out on pegs in the process.
You'll notice that I only recapped the first half of the season. What happened? I got the first three episodes covered, but then I dawdled on the fourth. In the mess in my room, I still have the notes from that episode. I just fell behind, and I decided to pull the plug without any fanfare. Aside from the elimination of fan favorite Major Victory, there weren't any real surprises, as superfan Feedback triumphed over Fat Momma to win a mediocre one-shot comic from Dark Horse.
It's not that I stopped caring about the show. Not only did I watch the second (and final) season, I wound up getting -- to date -- ten sketches based on the contestants from both editions. Really, how many other reality shows can you do that with and not feel weird about it afterward? And I hope for a revival down the line. Even with the misfits (Ms. Limelight and Mr. Mitzvah from the second season), plants (Rotiart and Iron Enforcer) and questionable decisions made by sole judge Stan Lee (the eliminations of Tyveculus and Major Victory), it was a great show. While other summer reality shows featured backstabbers, media whores and all-around losers, WWTBAS? had people trying to reach a higher standard, attempting to be better people in the process. Looking back, it's a miracle the show got two seasons.
So, for your reading pleasure . . .
Issue #1: Heroism 101: Stan Lee deals out harsh lessons for the assembled heroes. Levity learns that he can sell himself too much, Nitro G comes up a little short (in more ways than one), and Major Victory commences to chew scenery.
Issue #2: Mad Dogs & Makeovers: The heroes endure a test of bravery, then get costume makeovers. Cell Phone Girl gets disconnected, Stan makes Iron Enforcer an offer he can't refuse, and Monkey Woman becomes doggy chow.
Issue #3: Stan Never Promised A Rose Garden: After botching a hidden mission, Monkey Woman gets destroyed by Snarlin' Stan. In other news: Dark Enforcer is unleashed on the heroes, and Tyveculus fails to take himself down a peg, winding up running out on pegs in the process.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
To Recap Or Not To Recap
I got the news a few days ago: Television Without Pity was no longer going to recap The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, and the forums were going to be eliminated. Some would view this as a good thing, since the recapping of the show had been mediocre over the past few years and the less TWoP has to do with MTV the better. But now there's this voice in my head, whispering, "It's time to step up again."
This isn't the first time this happened. Back in 2001, TWoP had stopped recapping the Challenge after Extreme Challenge aired. The move made sense, since the show only aired once a year at the time. I think it was that event which inspired me to contact another recapping site whose name I'm not going to say for reasons I'll get into later. They already had somebody recapping the show, but I carved out a niche as I wrote articles and opinion pieces, culminating with recaps of Dog Days from Animal Planet. And by the time Battle Of The Sexes rolled around in early 2003, I was ready.
In retrospect, the first year of recapping the Challenge was my salad days. With BOTS, I had to put up with a lot of bullshit from the show; specifically, the attention-grubbing antics of Puck from The Real World: San Francisco. It was clear that he never grew up, and the poster boy for media whores yet to come managed to make himself the center of attention before leaving midway through the season. There was also stuff like Emily (second season of Road Rules) and her two snotty friends (blah Christina, underfed Anne) and her vendetta with Veronica (RR: Semester At Sea), culminating with Veronica's dismissal from the game. But there were good times to be had: Jamie (RW: New Orelans), his Jesus-like beard and his overachieving; Antoine (RR: Europe) and his ambigious sexuality; playa David (RW: New Orleans) not only being on his best behavior, but also finding a love connection with crazy Ayanna (RR: Semester At Sea); and Melissa Howard in general. I adored the girl, and I enjoyed defending her, even when her heart wasn't in the game. Her getting rid of ex-friend Julie Stoffer in the first episode? That was a bonus. And I was recapping with both barrels. Sure, it took me longer to recap than the other writers, but I used the TWoP method: write down everything from the tape, put out the memorable quotes, and leave little out. I can't believe it's been almost seven years since I went over that season. I also can't believe I once treated Veronica, Rachel (RR: Campus Crawl) and Eric Nies as human beings back then.
Then came The Gauntlet in late 2003, which I consider to be the last truly great season. For one thing, I got to recap the dynamic duo from RW: Back To New York: aspiring wrestler/meathead Mike Mizanin and caustic bitch Coral Smith. But the real scene-stealer was Sarah Greyson. She had been the most identifiable to me during RR: Campus Crawl, and it broke my heart when she was voted off by her teammates, most of whom couldn't stand her. Two of said castmates -- Rachel and Darrell -- started off The Gauntlet by wanting to take Sarah out of the game. Half of the Road Rules team wanted Sarah gone, voting her into the Gauntlet five times. And all five times, she'd come back as the winner. That year, the website had its year-end awards, and we voted her as Most Courageous/Inspiring Moment on a Reality Show. Of course there was stuff to offset that, like Coral's breakdown after getting voted into the Gauntlet, the Abram/Rachel/Veronica threesome in the shower, and Coral getting bit by a spider and half her team thinking she was dogging it. All in all, The Gauntlet had drama, but it was fun drama.
Things went downhill throughout 2004 and early 2005. It wasn't just about writing about the Road Rules team bullying Katie during The Inferno or the guys destroying the girls throughout most of Battle Of The Sexes 2. Every now and then, I'd post something on the website's forum, something that wouldn't really offend anybody on TWoP, and I'd have other recappers looking to rip my head off. Suddenly, it was bad for me to have opinions. I swear, I never cracked my knuckles over a keyboard, hellbent to make other people mad. It was just a matter of my inability to feel the temperature of a room. Combined that with my increasingly negative recaps during BOTS2 and my inablity to produce in a timely manner, that was enough for the head honcho to boot me from the sight without me getting a chance to defend myself. I responded by making this blog and recapping the following two seasons: Inferno II and Gauntlet 2.
By the time Fresh Meat rolled around in 2006, I wondered, "Do I have to do this again?" Recapping a toxic Beth week after week during Gauntlet 2 had taken its toll, becoming one factor of many that led me to stop recapping. I had a brief fling with Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, a story that will be told at another time, but I lost the will halfway through the season.
So why start again now? Because the situation is similar to when I first got started. Because I still don't have much of a life. Because I need to work through the crappy season of The Real World: Cancun which precedes The Ruins. Because some of the folks entering The Ruins need to be reamed. For every person there that's halfway normal (Ibis, Darrell) or positively entertaining (Brad, Derrick), there are ugly mothers like Susie, Evelyn, Johnny, Evan and Kenny. Look through my posts on TWoP; people like them bring out the worst in me. And that's a reason for me not to recap. Why risk what little sanity I have left on the likes of Wes, Johanna and Shavoun? Is it funny for me to claim that Casey had "titty envy" of Coral, or is that anti-woman of me to say? Does saying "Shut UP, Veronica" and calling her "Verantula" every week really worth it? What do I have to prove?
Bottom line: I'm on the fence. The Ruins starts up in late September. I could go whole-hog and spend days going over an hour's worth of tape to bring the best recap I can. I could just half-ass it. Or I could not bother at all. It's nice to have choices, and I'd like to hear what anybody reading this has to say.
This isn't the first time this happened. Back in 2001, TWoP had stopped recapping the Challenge after Extreme Challenge aired. The move made sense, since the show only aired once a year at the time. I think it was that event which inspired me to contact another recapping site whose name I'm not going to say for reasons I'll get into later. They already had somebody recapping the show, but I carved out a niche as I wrote articles and opinion pieces, culminating with recaps of Dog Days from Animal Planet. And by the time Battle Of The Sexes rolled around in early 2003, I was ready.
In retrospect, the first year of recapping the Challenge was my salad days. With BOTS, I had to put up with a lot of bullshit from the show; specifically, the attention-grubbing antics of Puck from The Real World: San Francisco. It was clear that he never grew up, and the poster boy for media whores yet to come managed to make himself the center of attention before leaving midway through the season. There was also stuff like Emily (second season of Road Rules) and her two snotty friends (blah Christina, underfed Anne) and her vendetta with Veronica (RR: Semester At Sea), culminating with Veronica's dismissal from the game. But there were good times to be had: Jamie (RW: New Orelans), his Jesus-like beard and his overachieving; Antoine (RR: Europe) and his ambigious sexuality; playa David (RW: New Orleans) not only being on his best behavior, but also finding a love connection with crazy Ayanna (RR: Semester At Sea); and Melissa Howard in general. I adored the girl, and I enjoyed defending her, even when her heart wasn't in the game. Her getting rid of ex-friend Julie Stoffer in the first episode? That was a bonus. And I was recapping with both barrels. Sure, it took me longer to recap than the other writers, but I used the TWoP method: write down everything from the tape, put out the memorable quotes, and leave little out. I can't believe it's been almost seven years since I went over that season. I also can't believe I once treated Veronica, Rachel (RR: Campus Crawl) and Eric Nies as human beings back then.
Then came The Gauntlet in late 2003, which I consider to be the last truly great season. For one thing, I got to recap the dynamic duo from RW: Back To New York: aspiring wrestler/meathead Mike Mizanin and caustic bitch Coral Smith. But the real scene-stealer was Sarah Greyson. She had been the most identifiable to me during RR: Campus Crawl, and it broke my heart when she was voted off by her teammates, most of whom couldn't stand her. Two of said castmates -- Rachel and Darrell -- started off The Gauntlet by wanting to take Sarah out of the game. Half of the Road Rules team wanted Sarah gone, voting her into the Gauntlet five times. And all five times, she'd come back as the winner. That year, the website had its year-end awards, and we voted her as Most Courageous/Inspiring Moment on a Reality Show. Of course there was stuff to offset that, like Coral's breakdown after getting voted into the Gauntlet, the Abram/Rachel/Veronica threesome in the shower, and Coral getting bit by a spider and half her team thinking she was dogging it. All in all, The Gauntlet had drama, but it was fun drama.
Things went downhill throughout 2004 and early 2005. It wasn't just about writing about the Road Rules team bullying Katie during The Inferno or the guys destroying the girls throughout most of Battle Of The Sexes 2. Every now and then, I'd post something on the website's forum, something that wouldn't really offend anybody on TWoP, and I'd have other recappers looking to rip my head off. Suddenly, it was bad for me to have opinions. I swear, I never cracked my knuckles over a keyboard, hellbent to make other people mad. It was just a matter of my inability to feel the temperature of a room. Combined that with my increasingly negative recaps during BOTS2 and my inablity to produce in a timely manner, that was enough for the head honcho to boot me from the sight without me getting a chance to defend myself. I responded by making this blog and recapping the following two seasons: Inferno II and Gauntlet 2.
By the time Fresh Meat rolled around in 2006, I wondered, "Do I have to do this again?" Recapping a toxic Beth week after week during Gauntlet 2 had taken its toll, becoming one factor of many that led me to stop recapping. I had a brief fling with Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, a story that will be told at another time, but I lost the will halfway through the season.
So why start again now? Because the situation is similar to when I first got started. Because I still don't have much of a life. Because I need to work through the crappy season of The Real World: Cancun which precedes The Ruins. Because some of the folks entering The Ruins need to be reamed. For every person there that's halfway normal (Ibis, Darrell) or positively entertaining (Brad, Derrick), there are ugly mothers like Susie, Evelyn, Johnny, Evan and Kenny. Look through my posts on TWoP; people like them bring out the worst in me. And that's a reason for me not to recap. Why risk what little sanity I have left on the likes of Wes, Johanna and Shavoun? Is it funny for me to claim that Casey had "titty envy" of Coral, or is that anti-woman of me to say? Does saying "Shut UP, Veronica" and calling her "Verantula" every week really worth it? What do I have to prove?
Bottom line: I'm on the fence. The Ruins starts up in late September. I could go whole-hog and spend days going over an hour's worth of tape to bring the best recap I can. I could just half-ass it. Or I could not bother at all. It's nice to have choices, and I'd like to hear what anybody reading this has to say.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Night In The Citi
It had been a few weeks since the New York Mets opened their new stadium. Seeing how these are the Mets we're talking about, they sold the naming rights to Citi Bank, which ended up getting bailed out by the government. And naturally, the third pitch thrown in an official game (exhibition games against the Red Sox don't count) got launched into the stands by Jody Gerut of the Padres. When you're a Mets fan -- even a lapsed one such as myself -- you have to cope with this sort of stuff.
It had been four years since I had gone to Shea Stadium, which I documented on this blog. I had meant to come back before the last game was played, but I never got the chance. Today, the Mets play in Citi Field, a shiny new ballpark that owner Fred Wilpon has been dreaming about all his life; a park with the facade of old Ebbets Field and all the bells and whistles. Sure, Shea Stadium had been rendered an antique, but all it needed was some remodeling. But now, all traces of the park are gone. Some may have considered it a pit, but I reckon it was our pit.
So I decided to go see the Mets in action. This is tough for me, not just because the tickets are pricier than when I started seeing games in 1983, but also because the Mets have a ticketing plan wherein people pay more for certain dates. Click here to see what I'm talking about. It's okay . . . I'll be here when you're done.
Back? Yeah, it's insane, isn't it? Anyway, with "Value" dates few and far between, I decided to go to a Wednesday day game. But then I got saddled with taking my grandfather to a doctor's appointment. Then I had a realization: why not go the night before? It's not like I had anything worth getting up for the following morning.
Because I'm a dummy, I spent too long at home and got to the express bus stop at 4 p.m., three hours before game time. It took me over ninety minutes to get to the 7 train; I could've zipped on the 4 train downtown, but I wanted to nap on the bus. By the time I got to Citi Field, I didn't have much time to explore. Well, at least not as much time as I would have wanted.
I entered through the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, which is a huge exhibition space dedicated to baseball's first black player. In retrospect, you'd think there would be something representing the Mets, but instead there's space for a guy who retired five years before the Mets were born. In short: Jackie = Ebbets Field = Fred Wilpon in the owner's box, with a hand in his pants. In Wilpon's defense, Jackie's number getting retired by Major League Baseball did happen at Shea in 1997, so there is that. It is beautiful, though . . . lots of video footage of Robinson, quotations along the walls, and a big "42" for people to pose next to, not unlike the retired numbers of Orioles players outside of Camden Yards.
I bought a "baseline box" for $45, but I found myself in the outfield, a stone's throw away from the left field foul pole, with a good view of the retired numbers: Casey Stengel's 37, Gild Hodges' 14, Tom Seaver's 41 (I was there at the ceremony in 1987), Robinson's 42 and a circle honoring Shea Stadium. To be fair, the baseline was nearby, so it wasn't false advertising. After checking out my seat, I had to go exploring. I found myself at the Taste Of New York area, full of food stands. You want ribs? Go to Blue Smoke. Or maybe pick up something at the Shake Shack. Or play around at FanFest, maybe play the latest MLB video game. Only problem? The lines were unbelievably long, and time was short. I'm anal about baseball, in the sense that I always -- always -- have to keep score, meaning little to no movement from my seat. I ended up "settling" for a sweet sausage in a roll with onions and peppers.
Before the game, Gary Sheffield was honored for hitting his 500th home run about a week ago. This is messed up, given that a. Sheffield is a suspected steroid user, and b. His milestone homer was his first as a Met. He ended up getting a crystal bat for the occasion. Maybe that's why the Tigers cut up loose in spring training; not because he's a malcontent, but that they couldn't come up with the scratch to properly reward him. Even weirder was the montage on the video screen showing his homers for seven other teams. For a guy with Hall Of Fame numbers, he sure got around. Also, it turns out that he was the third guy in MLB history to homer in his teens and forties; the other two being Ty Cobb and Rusty Staub. That explains why "Le Grande Orange" was at the festivities.
After cellist Bianca Kovic played the national anthem, it was game time. The Mets were one game under .500, facing the slumping Florida Marlins. The starting pitchers were playing Who Wants To Remain In The Rotation?, with Livan Hernandez taking the stage. He did well; he only pitched five and a third innings and gave up three runs, but he struck out five. The Mets went out to a quick lead after Sheffield, the man of the hour, tripled in two runs in the first. By the time the seventh inning rolled around, the Mets were up, 4-3. I was comfy with my seat; one thing that I saw with the new park was that the vendors were always there. Sure, I'd have to get up to get ribs, burgers or fries. But if you want the staples -- beer, soda, franks, ice cream, peanuts, Cracker Jack, etc. -- all you needed was a loud voice and money. And with the Mets up, I knew what would happen; they'd turn to setup man J.J. Putz to hold the eighth inning (that's "Putz" as in "Puts 'em away"), followed by Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez saving the game at the ninth. Simple, right?
Enter reliever Sean Green. Top of the seventh inning. After walking Alfredo Amezaga, Green struck out pitch hitter Ross Gload for the first out. Emilio Bonifaco singled, followed by Amezaga stealing third. One ground ball from Cameron Maybin, the game was tied. John Baker walked, leading to Jorge Cantu coming up to bat. First of all, is it obvious that I'm writing all this off my scorecard? Secondly, Cantu had already homered in the fourth. Tied score, late in the game . . . you can probably guess what happened next.
Cantu homered to center. Marlins led, 7-4. And nothing really happened after that. The Mets only got one hit in the final three innings. This wasn't as ugly as the time I went to the Braves/Mets game in 2001 when Armando Benitez blew a big game, the Mets lost in extra innings, and I ended up spitting on a belligerent Braves fan after the last out . . . but it wasn't fun. I mean, the stadium makes me what to come back and spend more money, but a win would've been nice.
Epilogue: The Mets didn't fare well the following day, so I didn't miss out on anything. Johan Santana had trouble early, and his ERA swelled to 1.10, but the Mets supported him. Then Putz blew the game, and the Mets couldn't make up the difference. New park, same Mets. At least they haven't been forced to slash prices on their pricier seats, unlike the Yankees.
It had been four years since I had gone to Shea Stadium, which I documented on this blog. I had meant to come back before the last game was played, but I never got the chance. Today, the Mets play in Citi Field, a shiny new ballpark that owner Fred Wilpon has been dreaming about all his life; a park with the facade of old Ebbets Field and all the bells and whistles. Sure, Shea Stadium had been rendered an antique, but all it needed was some remodeling. But now, all traces of the park are gone. Some may have considered it a pit, but I reckon it was our pit.
So I decided to go see the Mets in action. This is tough for me, not just because the tickets are pricier than when I started seeing games in 1983, but also because the Mets have a ticketing plan wherein people pay more for certain dates. Click here to see what I'm talking about. It's okay . . . I'll be here when you're done.
Back? Yeah, it's insane, isn't it? Anyway, with "Value" dates few and far between, I decided to go to a Wednesday day game. But then I got saddled with taking my grandfather to a doctor's appointment. Then I had a realization: why not go the night before? It's not like I had anything worth getting up for the following morning.
Because I'm a dummy, I spent too long at home and got to the express bus stop at 4 p.m., three hours before game time. It took me over ninety minutes to get to the 7 train; I could've zipped on the 4 train downtown, but I wanted to nap on the bus. By the time I got to Citi Field, I didn't have much time to explore. Well, at least not as much time as I would have wanted.
I entered through the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, which is a huge exhibition space dedicated to baseball's first black player. In retrospect, you'd think there would be something representing the Mets, but instead there's space for a guy who retired five years before the Mets were born. In short: Jackie = Ebbets Field = Fred Wilpon in the owner's box, with a hand in his pants. In Wilpon's defense, Jackie's number getting retired by Major League Baseball did happen at Shea in 1997, so there is that. It is beautiful, though . . . lots of video footage of Robinson, quotations along the walls, and a big "42" for people to pose next to, not unlike the retired numbers of Orioles players outside of Camden Yards.
I bought a "baseline box" for $45, but I found myself in the outfield, a stone's throw away from the left field foul pole, with a good view of the retired numbers: Casey Stengel's 37, Gild Hodges' 14, Tom Seaver's 41 (I was there at the ceremony in 1987), Robinson's 42 and a circle honoring Shea Stadium. To be fair, the baseline was nearby, so it wasn't false advertising. After checking out my seat, I had to go exploring. I found myself at the Taste Of New York area, full of food stands. You want ribs? Go to Blue Smoke. Or maybe pick up something at the Shake Shack. Or play around at FanFest, maybe play the latest MLB video game. Only problem? The lines were unbelievably long, and time was short. I'm anal about baseball, in the sense that I always -- always -- have to keep score, meaning little to no movement from my seat. I ended up "settling" for a sweet sausage in a roll with onions and peppers.
Before the game, Gary Sheffield was honored for hitting his 500th home run about a week ago. This is messed up, given that a. Sheffield is a suspected steroid user, and b. His milestone homer was his first as a Met. He ended up getting a crystal bat for the occasion. Maybe that's why the Tigers cut up loose in spring training; not because he's a malcontent, but that they couldn't come up with the scratch to properly reward him. Even weirder was the montage on the video screen showing his homers for seven other teams. For a guy with Hall Of Fame numbers, he sure got around. Also, it turns out that he was the third guy in MLB history to homer in his teens and forties; the other two being Ty Cobb and Rusty Staub. That explains why "Le Grande Orange" was at the festivities.
After cellist Bianca Kovic played the national anthem, it was game time. The Mets were one game under .500, facing the slumping Florida Marlins. The starting pitchers were playing Who Wants To Remain In The Rotation?, with Livan Hernandez taking the stage. He did well; he only pitched five and a third innings and gave up three runs, but he struck out five. The Mets went out to a quick lead after Sheffield, the man of the hour, tripled in two runs in the first. By the time the seventh inning rolled around, the Mets were up, 4-3. I was comfy with my seat; one thing that I saw with the new park was that the vendors were always there. Sure, I'd have to get up to get ribs, burgers or fries. But if you want the staples -- beer, soda, franks, ice cream, peanuts, Cracker Jack, etc. -- all you needed was a loud voice and money. And with the Mets up, I knew what would happen; they'd turn to setup man J.J. Putz to hold the eighth inning (that's "Putz" as in "Puts 'em away"), followed by Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez saving the game at the ninth. Simple, right?
Enter reliever Sean Green. Top of the seventh inning. After walking Alfredo Amezaga, Green struck out pitch hitter Ross Gload for the first out. Emilio Bonifaco singled, followed by Amezaga stealing third. One ground ball from Cameron Maybin, the game was tied. John Baker walked, leading to Jorge Cantu coming up to bat. First of all, is it obvious that I'm writing all this off my scorecard? Secondly, Cantu had already homered in the fourth. Tied score, late in the game . . . you can probably guess what happened next.
Cantu homered to center. Marlins led, 7-4. And nothing really happened after that. The Mets only got one hit in the final three innings. This wasn't as ugly as the time I went to the Braves/Mets game in 2001 when Armando Benitez blew a big game, the Mets lost in extra innings, and I ended up spitting on a belligerent Braves fan after the last out . . . but it wasn't fun. I mean, the stadium makes me what to come back and spend more money, but a win would've been nice.
Epilogue: The Mets didn't fare well the following day, so I didn't miss out on anything. Johan Santana had trouble early, and his ERA swelled to 1.10, but the Mets supported him. Then Putz blew the game, and the Mets couldn't make up the difference. New park, same Mets. At least they haven't been forced to slash prices on their pricier seats, unlike the Yankees.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Graphic Novel Reviews
Beyond Race Magazine was founded in 2006, a quarterly magazine geared towards progressive thinkers. And since its inception, I have been writing feature stories for BRM. In 2008, I decided to fill a niche. Other writers reviewed new albums; I decided to cover graphic novels. Here are the links to my reviews:
Incognegro (DC Comics/Vertigo)
Shortcomings (Drawn & Quarterly)
Fox Bunny Funny (Top Shelf Publishing)
Life Sucks (First Second)
Water Baby (DC Comics/Minx)
Jessica Farm Volume One (Fantagraphics)
Too Cool To Be Forgotten (Top Shelf Publishing)
Shmobots (BOOM! Studios)
Pocket Full Of Rain And Other Stories (Fantagraphics)
Burnout (DC Comics/Minx)
The New York Four (DC Comics/Minx)
Bottomless Belly Button (Fantagraphics)
Prince Of Persia (First Second)
Essex County Volume Three: The Country Nurse (Top Shelf Publishing)
Breakdowns: Portrait of the Artist as a Young %@?*! (Pantheon Press)
Joker (DC Comics)
Bat-Manga! The Secret History Of Batman In Japan (Pantheon Press)
Deitch's Pictorama (Fantagraphics)
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe (Oni Press)
The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Century -- 1910
(Top Shelf Publishing)
The Color Of Earth (First Second)
Connective Tissue (Fantagraphics)
The Color Of Water (First Second)
The Eternal Smile (First Second)
Incognegro (DC Comics/Vertigo)
Shortcomings (Drawn & Quarterly)
Fox Bunny Funny (Top Shelf Publishing)
Life Sucks (First Second)
Water Baby (DC Comics/Minx)
Jessica Farm Volume One (Fantagraphics)
Too Cool To Be Forgotten (Top Shelf Publishing)
Shmobots (BOOM! Studios)
Pocket Full Of Rain And Other Stories (Fantagraphics)
Burnout (DC Comics/Minx)
The New York Four (DC Comics/Minx)
Bottomless Belly Button (Fantagraphics)
Prince Of Persia (First Second)
Essex County Volume Three: The Country Nurse (Top Shelf Publishing)
Breakdowns: Portrait of the Artist as a Young %@?*! (Pantheon Press)
Joker (DC Comics)
Bat-Manga! The Secret History Of Batman In Japan (Pantheon Press)
Deitch's Pictorama (Fantagraphics)
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe (Oni Press)
The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Century -- 1910
(Top Shelf Publishing)
The Color Of Earth (First Second)
Connective Tissue (Fantagraphics)
The Color Of Water (First Second)
The Eternal Smile (First Second)
Sunday, January 04, 2009
30 Second Recap Contest: What I Learned From Comics In 2008
Once again, Chris Sims has asked for entries to his 30 Second Recap Contest. Once again, I answer the call, even though I have no business drawing anything, ever.
Last year, I covered almost a year's worth of one of my favorite books, The All-New Atom. I didn't win anything, though Sims thought I ought to deserve an award for having Adolf Hitler getting kicked in the face. On the bright side, I got a laugh from Gail Simone, an online acquaintance of mine who also wrote the book at that time. Surprisingly enough, that was an award in itself.
This time, I'm showing off what I've learned from comic books in the past twelve months. Once again: I can't draw for spit. Expect characters with round heads and near-symmetrical, undefined bodies staring blankly at you while they give off what I hope are humorous lines. Due to my getting off to a late start, you won't be seeing Gorilla Grodd actually throwing The Brain at Monsieur Mallah, let alone hitting him (as awesomely depicted here), one of the snarky white gorillas from Wonder Woman lifting his own car battery, the exposed dong shot from the consistently-delayed War Heroes getting censored by Felony from Special Forces telling us about her consistently-delayed series, and -- most tragically -- the scene from Final Crisis: Requiem where Batman friggin' catches on psychic fire while driving the Batmobile, calmly telling Alfred that he'll check it out once he deals with the hoods he's pursuing. Frank Miller can go over-the-top with his non-satire satire All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder all he wants, he can keep using the word "goddamn" like a comma, he can make all the other heroes look like total bozos (except Black Canary, whom he makes Irish . . . seriously, I don't know), and yet there's Batman. In DC continuity proper. On fire. While driving. If I had the chops, I would've drawn it. For that, I'm sorry.
Okay, I've kvetched long enough. Enjoy!
Last year, I covered almost a year's worth of one of my favorite books, The All-New Atom. I didn't win anything, though Sims thought I ought to deserve an award for having Adolf Hitler getting kicked in the face. On the bright side, I got a laugh from Gail Simone, an online acquaintance of mine who also wrote the book at that time. Surprisingly enough, that was an award in itself.
This time, I'm showing off what I've learned from comic books in the past twelve months. Once again: I can't draw for spit. Expect characters with round heads and near-symmetrical, undefined bodies staring blankly at you while they give off what I hope are humorous lines. Due to my getting off to a late start, you won't be seeing Gorilla Grodd actually throwing The Brain at Monsieur Mallah, let alone hitting him (as awesomely depicted here), one of the snarky white gorillas from Wonder Woman lifting his own car battery, the exposed dong shot from the consistently-delayed War Heroes getting censored by Felony from Special Forces telling us about her consistently-delayed series, and -- most tragically -- the scene from Final Crisis: Requiem where Batman friggin' catches on psychic fire while driving the Batmobile, calmly telling Alfred that he'll check it out once he deals with the hoods he's pursuing. Frank Miller can go over-the-top with his non-satire satire All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder all he wants, he can keep using the word "goddamn" like a comma, he can make all the other heroes look like total bozos (except Black Canary, whom he makes Irish . . . seriously, I don't know), and yet there's Batman. In DC continuity proper. On fire. While driving. If I had the chops, I would've drawn it. For that, I'm sorry.
Okay, I've kvetched long enough. Enjoy!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Eighty Reasons Why I Love Comics
I'm not much of a meme guy. Hell, I barely post here nowadays. But a blog called seebelow unveiled a meme based on Fred Hembeck's list of 100 things he loved about comic books. Soon, the meme infiltrated comic blogs I frequented, including Christopher Bird (of MightyGodKing.com) posting forty sets of panels as evidence that he'll love comics forever.
I sat down and I listed stuff that I've liked reading over the years. And I kept writing. And since I stink at writing lists, I came up with eighty reasons in total. There's probably a lot more that I can think of, but a. there would be more overlap of reasons that I have right now, and b. I need to stop while I'm still relatively sane. If I included cartoons and manga, the list would be even long, so I stuck with comics. Most of the links are from my Flickr account, where I've posted sketches that I've been getting since 2000. If I ever get back to blogging on a regular basis, I might explain some of my picks. But in the meantime, enjoy the list and leave a comment if you'd like.
1. Kingdom Come
2. Marvels
3. Impulse (by Mark Waid & Humberto Ramos)
4. Young Justice (Peter David & Todd Nauck)
5. Top Ten (Alan Moore, Gene Ha, Zander Cannon)
6. Black Panther (by Christopher Priest)
7. Quantum & Woody (Priest & MD Bright)
8. Gail Simone
9. Evan Dorkin
10. Pedro & Me
11. The Adventures of Barry Ween
12. "Do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago." (Ozymandias, Watchmen #11)
13. No, I was a failure. If I were a real hero . . . I would have been here in time to stop the first plane." (Mayor Mitchell Hundred, Ex Macchina #1)
14. Adam Warren
15. Deadpool (by Joe Kelly)
16. Danny the Street (Doom Patrol)
17. Kemlo "Hyperdog" Caesar (Top Ten)
18. Joe Pi (Top Ten)
19. "The Intervention" (Dork! #9)
20. Kyle Rayner: The Last Green Lantern (as written by Ron Marz and Judd Winick)
21. "Maybe Next Year" (Peter Parker: Spider-Man #33)
22. Mogo and Rot Lop Fan (introduced by Alan Moore, Green Lantern #188 and Tales of the Green Lantern Corps Annual #3, respectively)
23. All-Star Superman (Grant Morrison & Frank Quietly)
24. Tommy Monaghan (Hitman)
25. "Mad About The Boy" (Wonder Woman #153)
26. "She's A Wonder" (Wonder Woman #170)
27. "So there was only one Green Lantern . . . and I'm it. Everybody better get used to the idea." (Kyle Rayner, Green Lantern #0
28. "How To Win Friends And Influence People" (Impulse #3)
29. Spider Jerusalem (Transmetropolitan)
30. Everett K. Ross (Black Panther)
31. Vincent Van Goat, aka H.A.E.D.U.S (Heavily Armored Espionage Deadly Uber-Sheep) (Quantum & Woody)
32. "Captain Traynor, sir? All due respect sir . . . Permission to use extreme force." " Break her &$%!ing neck, son." "Yessir." (Jeff Smax and Steve "Jetman" Traynor, after Commissioner Ultima killed Girl One, Top Ten #10)
33. Empowered (by Adam Warren)
34. "Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow?" (Superman #423 & Action Comics #583)
35. "What's So Funny About Truth, Justice, & the American Way?" (Action Comics #775)
36. Deadpool kicks a possessed Captain America in the balls before saving the world (Deadpool #25)
37. Nextwave
38. Transmetropolitan: Lust For Life trade paperback
39. Ghost Rider 2099 #1-12
40. Ryan Choi (The All-New Atom, by Gail Simone)
41. Secret Six (Gail Simone)
42. 7 Guys Of Justice (Brian Joines)
43. Action Philosophers
44. Starman (by James Robinson)
45. The Shade (as written by James Robinson)
46. Couch-bound ex-baddies: Caged Demonwolf (Empowered) and Head (The All-New Atom)
47. Barbara Gordon wiggles her toes (Birds Of Prey #85)
48. Reverend Doctor Michael ibn al-Hajj Achebe (and Daki the handpuppet) (Black Panther)
49. "Kiss Me" (Hitman #21)
50. Steve Englehart's contributions to the Ultraverse: The Strangers and The Night Man
51. "Beginning's End" (Green Lantern #150)
52. The Shift/Indigo romance (Outsiders)
53. The short-lived Ragdoll/Mad Hatter friendship (Secret Six #6)
54. Grunge & Twenty-Man Tommy settling a dispute through ferretlegging (Gen13 #65)
55. Bizarro Comics and Bizarro World
56. "Uptown" (Black Panther #17)
57. Superman/Batman: World's Funnest (written by Evan Dorkin)
58. "The Santa Contract" (Hitman #22)
59. Easter Eggs in Top Ten from Gene Ha
60. Joker, Green Lantern, and Superman from Tangent Comics (pre-Superman's Reign)
61. Spider-Boy (Amalgam Comics)
62. Livewires
63. Spider Man/Human Torch: I'm With Stupid
64. The Golden Age
65. T'Challa sucker-punches Mephisto, sells his soul for the safety of his people, and walks away victorious (Black Panther #4-5)
66. "Cluttered Like My Head" (Dork! #7)
67. Milk & Cheese
68. "Failed Universes" (Gen 13 #69-70)
69. Wally West makes Reverse-Flash his bitch, finally comes into his own as Flash (Flash #80)
70. The William/Josh "trivia-off" ("Bring Me The Head Of Boba Fett" by Evan Dorkin)
71. "Running From The Past" (Impulse #16)
72. "Stop Me if You've Heard This One..." (Superman/Batman Annual #1)
73. Supergirl/Batgirl: World's Finest
74. Wildguard
75. Amish Kal-El vs. Kryptonian DNA-infused Jimmy Olsen (JLA: The Nail #3)
76. Dr. Thirteen: Architects Of Morality trade paperback
77. "With Great Powers Comes Great Coincidence" (Deadpool #11)
78. "Switch" (Quantum & Woody #10)
79. "Shazam! SHAZAM! SHAZAM!" (Captain Marvel, Kingdom Come #4)
And finally . . .
80. "Spinach and cottage cheese? That's a Spectre Platter?" "Look at it this way. It's flattering to be remembered somehow." (Jim Corrigan and Norman McKay, Kingdom Come)
I sat down and I listed stuff that I've liked reading over the years. And I kept writing. And since I stink at writing lists, I came up with eighty reasons in total. There's probably a lot more that I can think of, but a. there would be more overlap of reasons that I have right now, and b. I need to stop while I'm still relatively sane. If I included cartoons and manga, the list would be even long, so I stuck with comics. Most of the links are from my Flickr account, where I've posted sketches that I've been getting since 2000. If I ever get back to blogging on a regular basis, I might explain some of my picks. But in the meantime, enjoy the list and leave a comment if you'd like.
1. Kingdom Come
2. Marvels
3. Impulse (by Mark Waid & Humberto Ramos)
4. Young Justice (Peter David & Todd Nauck)
5. Top Ten (Alan Moore, Gene Ha, Zander Cannon)
6. Black Panther (by Christopher Priest)
7. Quantum & Woody (Priest & MD Bright)
8. Gail Simone
9. Evan Dorkin
10. Pedro & Me
11. The Adventures of Barry Ween
12. "Do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago." (Ozymandias, Watchmen #11)
13. No, I was a failure. If I were a real hero . . . I would have been here in time to stop the first plane." (Mayor Mitchell Hundred, Ex Macchina #1)
14. Adam Warren
15. Deadpool (by Joe Kelly)
16. Danny the Street (Doom Patrol)
17. Kemlo "Hyperdog" Caesar (Top Ten)
18. Joe Pi (Top Ten)
19. "The Intervention" (Dork! #9)
20. Kyle Rayner: The Last Green Lantern (as written by Ron Marz and Judd Winick)
21. "Maybe Next Year" (Peter Parker: Spider-Man #33)
22. Mogo and Rot Lop Fan (introduced by Alan Moore, Green Lantern #188 and Tales of the Green Lantern Corps Annual #3, respectively)
23. All-Star Superman (Grant Morrison & Frank Quietly)
24. Tommy Monaghan (Hitman)
25. "Mad About The Boy" (Wonder Woman #153)
26. "She's A Wonder" (Wonder Woman #170)
27. "So there was only one Green Lantern . . . and I'm it. Everybody better get used to the idea." (Kyle Rayner, Green Lantern #0
28. "How To Win Friends And Influence People" (Impulse #3)
29. Spider Jerusalem (Transmetropolitan)
30. Everett K. Ross (Black Panther)
31. Vincent Van Goat, aka H.A.E.D.U.S (Heavily Armored Espionage Deadly Uber-Sheep) (Quantum & Woody)
32. "Captain Traynor, sir? All due respect sir . . . Permission to use extreme force." " Break her &$%!ing neck, son." "Yessir." (Jeff Smax and Steve "Jetman" Traynor, after Commissioner Ultima killed Girl One, Top Ten #10)
33. Empowered (by Adam Warren)
34. "Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow?" (Superman #423 & Action Comics #583)
35. "What's So Funny About Truth, Justice, & the American Way?" (Action Comics #775)
36. Deadpool kicks a possessed Captain America in the balls before saving the world (Deadpool #25)
37. Nextwave
38. Transmetropolitan: Lust For Life trade paperback
39. Ghost Rider 2099 #1-12
40. Ryan Choi (The All-New Atom, by Gail Simone)
41. Secret Six (Gail Simone)
42. 7 Guys Of Justice (Brian Joines)
43. Action Philosophers
44. Starman (by James Robinson)
45. The Shade (as written by James Robinson)
46. Couch-bound ex-baddies: Caged Demonwolf (Empowered) and Head (The All-New Atom)
47. Barbara Gordon wiggles her toes (Birds Of Prey #85)
48. Reverend Doctor Michael ibn al-Hajj Achebe (and Daki the handpuppet) (Black Panther)
49. "Kiss Me" (Hitman #21)
50. Steve Englehart's contributions to the Ultraverse: The Strangers and The Night Man
51. "Beginning's End" (Green Lantern #150)
52. The Shift/Indigo romance (Outsiders)
53. The short-lived Ragdoll/Mad Hatter friendship (Secret Six #6)
54. Grunge & Twenty-Man Tommy settling a dispute through ferretlegging (Gen13 #65)
55. Bizarro Comics and Bizarro World
56. "Uptown" (Black Panther #17)
57. Superman/Batman: World's Funnest (written by Evan Dorkin)
58. "The Santa Contract" (Hitman #22)
59. Easter Eggs in Top Ten from Gene Ha
60. Joker, Green Lantern, and Superman from Tangent Comics (pre-Superman's Reign)
61. Spider-Boy (Amalgam Comics)
62. Livewires
63. Spider Man/Human Torch: I'm With Stupid
64. The Golden Age
65. T'Challa sucker-punches Mephisto, sells his soul for the safety of his people, and walks away victorious (Black Panther #4-5)
66. "Cluttered Like My Head" (Dork! #7)
67. Milk & Cheese
68. "Failed Universes" (Gen 13 #69-70)
69. Wally West makes Reverse-Flash his bitch, finally comes into his own as Flash (Flash #80)
70. The William/Josh "trivia-off" ("Bring Me The Head Of Boba Fett" by Evan Dorkin)
71. "Running From The Past" (Impulse #16)
72. "Stop Me if You've Heard This One..." (Superman/Batman Annual #1)
73. Supergirl/Batgirl: World's Finest
74. Wildguard
75. Amish Kal-El vs. Kryptonian DNA-infused Jimmy Olsen (JLA: The Nail #3)
76. Dr. Thirteen: Architects Of Morality trade paperback
77. "With Great Powers Comes Great Coincidence" (Deadpool #11)
78. "Switch" (Quantum & Woody #10)
79. "Shazam! SHAZAM! SHAZAM!" (Captain Marvel, Kingdom Come #4)
And finally . . .
80. "Spinach and cottage cheese? That's a Spectre Platter?" "Look at it this way. It's flattering to be remembered somehow." (Jim Corrigan and Norman McKay, Kingdom Come)
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Building a Better Gauntlet
I have come to accept that Bunim-Murray Productions doesn’t care about Real World/Road Rules Challenge in the sense that fair gameplay doesn’t facilitate drama, so it takes a back seat. I know that the players will be cast for maximum entertainment; any chances of halfway normal people – Roni, Steve, Dave, Jacquese, Lori, etc. – coming back are practically nil. I’m resigned to the realization that a story as involving as Sarah winning five Gauntlets will never be told again because the engine that drives the show needs very little sympathy to run. Even worse, not only do I hear that Beth – pushing 40, by the way – is open to doing more Challenges, but Mark Long might be coming back as well. This former good guy turned cradle-robber, fit-thrower, and giver of $60,000 to an undeserving prick like Eric Nies, actually swore he was done with Challenges at the reunion special for Gauntlet 2. What, Reality Remix isn’t good enough for you, Marky Mark?
Yes, I do wonder why the hell I should care about this show, especially since it brings out the vilest emotions from my soul. The road to each season’s “handsome reward” has been riddled with potholes, and BMP does little to fill them. This season on Gauntlet 3, we have the team losing a mission forced to watch as the victors pick one of their own to go into the Gauntlet, as well as protect a prospective “easy pick” from going in. Then the losers would deliberate as to who else would have to fight in the Gauntlet to stay in the game. Great ides, especially the part when the captain system from Gauntlet 2 gets dumped. So what went wrong to make Gauntlet 3 the absolute worst season in Challenge history?
First, the Gauntlet still alternated between men and women, which means at any given time, that one gender isn’t at risk, and they can throw a mission to send somebody into the Gauntlet that they don’t like. This has led to countless interviews with Evan, Kenny, CT and Danny bitching about how the women on their team don’t pull their own weight, even though their side hasn’t lost that many missions outright. The unspoken second problem is that there are no bank accounts in play this time; instead, we have an all-or-nothing system where only the winning team gets paid, and the losers walk away with little more than sponsor prizes. Also, most seasons end on a long distance mission, where more people could be a problem. This is probably one of the bigger bugs up CT’s ass, since he was a part of the Bad Ass team in Inferno II that only lost one player (Dan) to the Inferno (Beth took a powder, Karamo had a prior obligation and threw his Inferno against Landon), only to helplessly watch as Tonya (fatigued from a night out) and Tina (more mouth than leg muscles) dragged them down for a loss. Being a better team in missions or in endgames doesn’t seem to benefit winning teams directly, leading to the ugliness of Gauntlet 3 and Coral’s departure.
Well, I’m here to help. I’ve recapped six seasons of the show, and I’ve devoted too much time and too many brain cells to it. I’ve figured out how to organize teams, how success in missions and Gauntlets would pay off (I prefer Gauntlets to Duels, Infernos and Pits, so that’s the format I’ll be using), how one person can stand head and shoulders above a team and win the most money in Challenge history . . . and how anybody can be motivated by the ultimate threat.
The Teams
In the beginning, there was Real World and Road Rules. Then it was men against women, but that was brutal to watch at times. With the death of the Road Rules franchise, BMP found new ways to divide the players, first with “Good Guys” and “Bad Asses" starting in Inferno II, followed by “Veterans” (those who had done two or more Challenges) and “Rookies” (comprised of newbies, second-timers, and Jamie, who had won two prior Challenges. Don’t ask) in Gauntlet 2. There were teams of two on two separate occasions (Battle of the Seasons, Fresh Meat), and players going solo with The Duel . . . but since freakin' Wes won $150,000, we’ll pretend that never happened. I’m ignoring all that for a new notion: Red vs. Blue.
Here’s how it starts: the 24 or 28 contestants are hustled to either a clearing with woods surrounding it or the 50-yard-line on a football field. The host does the welcome speech, when goes on about how things are different this time. Cue the helicopter hovering about a half-mile away. From there, $5,000 of fake money in single bill form is dropped, a nod to how All-Star Challenge kicked off. The twelve or fourteen guys are told that 4,998 bills are green, but they have to look for a red and a blue bill, then bring it back. Oh, and tackling others to get those bills would be permitted. A few minutes later, while the guys are scrambling, another 5,000 bills are dropped, and the girls get to make their run.
At the end of this mission, one guy and one girl will have blue bills, and another pair will be holding red bills. They will helping to form the teams. As a reward, these four get to split the traditional $10,000 prize money for a mission win, and immunity from the first Gauntlet. After a quick session of rock-paper-scissors, one team picks one of the 20 or 24 remaining players. The other team follows with a pick from a different gender. The teams rotate, either male-female-female-male-male, etc., or female-male-male-female-female, etc. To make things interesting, a “scapegoat prevention clause” would give immunity to the last guy and girl picked for each team, so they can “step up,” “redeem themselves,” and whatever other cliche phrases you can think up. Oh, and there are no twists in terms of belonging on a team. Once the teams are formed, they will be no trades or defections.
The House
In my head, there would be three main areas: the center would be a “free” area for both sides to mingle, ans two “wings” would be attached to either side. Before Gauntlet deliberations, both sides would be sequestered away from each other in their respective wings. After making their decisions, the teams would call the house on a private hotline before proceeding to the Gauntlet. Speaking of which, the Gauntlet will be right outside the house, just like back in Telluride, Col., in the original Gauntlet.
The Missions
I wouldn’t change much by way of actual missions, as long as not an emphasis on the icky and the excruciating (like forcing players into freezers and submerge themselves in ice water). Any timed missions would be averaged out per person as opposed to cumulative, especially in the case of a numbers advantage. The team that wins a mission gets $10,000 for their bank account, the final one pays out at least $150,000, and only those that make it to the finale get to share in the riches. Also, I’d put in time limit missions; if both teams don’t succeed in the allotted period, neither side gets money, and that amount gets added to the final mission jackpot.
The Gauntlet: Spiel
“Take a look around, people. Anybody here could face anybody else. Your best friend may have to take you out in order to stay in the game. You might have to battle your worst enemy, somebody you’ve barely met, maybe even the one you’re hooking up with. Just remember . . . all roads lead to the Gauntlet.”
The Gauntlet: Deliberation
As stated earlier, both teams would be sequestered in their respective wings, with no interteam conversation before the Gauntlet. Regardless of winning or losing, both teams would nomination one of their number to go to the Gauntlet, then call the host on the hotline with the decision. They can vote any way they'd like . . . privately, publicly, the 3-2-1 system Steve came up with that his own team used to send him to his doom by Trishelle's hands, etc.
The Gauntlet: Restrictions
For the first time since The Gauntlet, there would be no same-sex endgames. However, the same gender cannot be sent into the Gauntlet more than twice in a row. For instance, a side that has sent two females must pick a male afterwards. In addition, any player that wins a Gauntlet is immune from the next vote. This shall be known as the “Grayson Rule,” at least for myself and any other hardcore fan of Sarah. Also, Most Valuable Player (MVP) awards would be given to the top players in every other mission in the first half of the season and every mission in the second half. Instead of rewarding the best player from each team, the MVP honors would be given to the top male and female competitors, who would be immune from the Gauntlet.
The Gauntlet: Game Selection
In the beginning, there was the oversized single die rolled by the player from that week’s winning team. Now we have a spinning wheel, which doesn’t work as well, and there’s the potential for rigging by production. I mean, Beth got to choose Reverse Tug-Of-War twice. That’s the definition of “shenanigans,” right? For this edition, I’m going old-school: lottery machine.
Here’s how it would work: three balls would represent each game. Just press a button, watch the ball pop up . . . boom, there’s your game. After the draw, that ball would be taken out for good, in order to minimize games coming up again and again. In addition, there would be three “winner’s choice” balls, where the competitor from that episode’s winning team would choose the game, and a single “loser’s choice" ball would be mixed in to make things interesting.
The Gauntlet: The Twist
I came up with what I thought was a great idea. It’s hard to explain, so I’ll have to go with an example.
In this simulation, the Red team has won the mission and $10,000. After both sides call in their Gauntlet choices, Red gets ten red balls put into the machine. They can replace one red ball for a blue one for $1,000 per ball, which comes from that episode’s winnings. That money would be added to the $150,000 awarded in the final mission.
The Red side decides to spend $7,000 to replace seven red balls. One ball pops out. If a red ball comes out, nothing changes. If a blue ball comes out, Red can pick anybody from Blue that is not immune from the vote. However, if they pick Blue’s Gauntlet representative, Blue can turn around and pick somebody from Red to replace their doomed player. If they choose the player picked by Red, then nothing changes, and the Gauntlet goes on as originally scheduled.
I know . . . it’s a bit complicated, and I can’t imagine some veterans wrapping their minds around it. The main goal is to set up a stage where anybody could face anybody else in the Gauntlet, regardless of team affiliations. Imagine this playing out in the original Gauntlet. We could’ve had a battle between polar opposites from RR: The Quest: alpha douche and poster boy for ADD-riddled assholes Adam versus underexposed smart guy Steve. Coral might have been forced to fight her best girl friend on her team (Elka) or her worst enemies (Trishelle and Matt). Even scarier: a one-on-one rumble between Coral and Mike. Or how about lovebirds Mike and Trishelle? Here’s one that would have been fun: the allegedly weak Sarah taking on Rachel, who’s been all muscle and little hustle in her entire Challenge career. Rachel vs. Veronica, Matt vs. David, Theo vs. Adam, Abram vs. Tina . . . the possibilities wouldn’t have been endless, but the fun could have been.
Gauntlet: The Games
One major caveat is that endurance contests would be scaled back, if not eliminated altogether. I’d like to see some more action, not two people hanging upside down from trapeze bars. Also, I’d bring back the different-gender policy from Gauntlet – where only half the games were used – but I’d make things a little more fair. In other words, there wouldn’t be a repeat of the final Gauntlet, where Theo struggled on a mechanical bull, while Cara got a simulated ride on a sedated cow, as then-boyfriend Dave smirked about how she’s so used to it.
As for actual games, I’d import Balls In from Inferno II, with players alternating turns. I’d also bring back Perfect Fit (players dive into pool, fish out puzzle pieces, then assemble puzzle in a tray) and Knock Your Block Off (the jousting game), and I’d alter previous games from the past.
Trivial Brawl: Both players start at opposite ends of a field. The host asks a trivia question relating to any of the other Challengers. The players rush past each other to separate pits, each filled with balls with players’ names on them. For fun, throw in black balls (a layer covering the top of the pit), balls with names of non-Challengers, and balls with misspelled names. Once the players get balls with what they feel is the correct answer, they have to rush back to where they started . . . and contact is highly encouraged. First player back to his/her starting point wins a point. To make things more interesting, the players have to get ten points to win, with questions ranging from one to five points – the more points, the tougher and more obscure the question – chosen by the player winning the prior point. Also, some questions would require multiple answers, and contact would be allowed only when players get all the balls they need. (Same Gender Only)
Trivial Chase: It’s the same setup as Trivial Brawl, only no contact can be made between players. Instead, they are given seven trivia questions that have to be answered in order. Both players go back and forth, collecting the corresponding balls for each question and putting them on a stand. Once all the balls are retrieved, a judge checks to make sure they’re correct. If not, the player is given the number of correct answers, and the player has to figure out what questions were answered wrong. Repeat as necessary until somebody wins. (Both Genders)
Turntable: This is adapted from a Gauntlet mission. Instead of putting the opponents on the same turntable and eliminating whoever flies off first, each player gets their own turntable. The mission: stay on for a designated number of revolutions. The twist: each player has the ability to control how fast the turntable moves. Have it turn too slow, you risk getting burned by your opponent. If it turns too fast, you fly off, whatever revolutions you’ve already made are wiped away, and you have to wait until the turntable stops before getting back on and starting over. Puking is not grounds for disqualification, even if it’s on the opponent . . . but let’s hope it never comes to that. (Both Genders)
The Finale: Prelude
This season, the Axis Of Ass has horrific visions of the girls slowing them down in a long distance run, with Coral faking an allergic reaction to cover for fatigue. Hey, I believe that happened to her back in the day, but Kenny pissed on that in the preview special. Anyway, who knows what the mission will be? So here’s what I’m thinking: the winner of each mission gets a set of puzzle pieces. Collect five sets, you can read what the final mission will entail. If they get the gist in less than five sets? Whatever.
Finale: Rules
Originally, I was going to keep the long distance run with a twist: the results from the Gauntlet would factor far greater. In the original Gauntlet, Road Rules would’ve had a five-minute head start for each Gauntlet won by players on their team still in the game. With Sarah’s five Gauntlet wins and Cara’s two, the team would’ve had 35 minutes on Real World. However, fifteen minutes would’ve been deducted by the three RW players that won Gauntlets (Alton, Coral, Mike). This way, RR could’ve benefited directly from Sarah’s victories instead of Adam contemplate smothering her while she slept.
But then I got a better idea: why should some Challengers be deprived of going into the Gauntlet? There were underachievers who skipped out the endgames (Veronica, Rachel), supporting role players (Roni, Dave), and alpha dogs (Adam, Darrell, Theo) who never had a chance to go in. So the final mission for a Gauntlet edition? The Gauntlet.
Here how it would work: both teams make a list of players in order of when they’d like to be sent into the Gauntlet. Those on the top of each list face off. After that, each team sends their players in order. Once a team reaches the bottom of the lineup, they go back to the top. Each player gets one life, plus one more life per MVP and/or Gauntlet won. Once a player loses his/her lives, they are out of the game. Once a team reaches 3-4 players, the time between Gauntlets is extended to allow for rest. And we go on and on and on until one team runs out of players . . . then the other side wins the game. Simple as that.
I have three additional ideas, all of which would be optional. Let’s see if you like them.
1. Team Shares
Instead of spilting team bank accounts equally, how about by the amount of work done when it counts? For every MVP honor and Gauntlet win, a player receives one additional share. I came up with this idea near the end of The Gauntlet, where Sarah would have walked away with six figures easily. That would’ve been better than my other fantasy: Sarah getting into her prize car and trying to mow down Adam, Rachel and Veronica.
2. Last Person Standing
The Duel abandoned the pretense of teamwork, letting individual players go at it for $150,000. And the results were good . . . unless you remember dickhead Wes beat Brad in the final mission. I don’t care that Wes swore off Challenges . . . he’s still a dick. But I did figure out how to make my game into an individual contest at the end.
After the final mission, the losing team goes away, and the winners get 24-48 hours to celebrate before coming back to the Gauntlet. They pick up where they left off, going in two at a time to face each other. Figure for each win in the finale, they get an additional life for this bonus stage. And the last person standing in the end doesn’t get a share of the team’s bank account . . . that person gets the same total as the team. That means if the team wins $250,000, then the one who survives the ultimate mission wins a separate $250,000 jackpot. Of course, I’m not sure BMP has that much money to give out. Also . . . can you imagine if the winner was, say, CT? How much muscle mass formula and prostitutes can a man get for a quarter million bucks? I don’t think we’re ready for something worse than Wes with $150,000.
3. The Ultimate Incentive
Now this one might be my best idea, and possibly my most evil. Go to the first episode, where the host (Rob Dyrdek in fantasy, T.J. Lavin in harsh reality) goes over the rules. The he drops the bomb: “The team that loses the final mission . . . all team members either there or at home will be barred from competing in future Challenges. FOREVER!” Cut to everybody freaking the hell out. One or two veteran players interview how shaken they are. A newbie can’t believe his first time on a Challenge could be his last. And the editors subtly drop in “Never Again” by Kelly Clarkson.
Is it mean? Hell, yes. Could decent players be screwed over? For sure. But it would be the ultimate incentive to win . . . to keep yourself, your teammates, and those unfortunate to have lost in the Gauntlet to keep suckling on that Challenge teet. I’d be unfair enough to spare anybody that had been on the winning team, up to and including a case like CT getting kicked off Inferno III for hitting Davis before a single game was played. You lose, you’re barred from Challenges and any other BMP show.
Here’s another idea which might be even more horrific: you lose, no Challenges for three years or five seasons, whichever comes first. Let’s say this was in effect during Inferno II. Out of the ten members of the losing Bad Ass team, only three have not come back to the Challenge (Dan, Karamo and Rachel), and a fourth (Veronica) only came back for Road Rules: Viewers’ Revenge. Imagine the fates of the other six: Abram, Beth, CT, Derrick, Tina and Tonya. Out of that group, only Abram has appeared in just one more Challenge (Inferno III). Tonya would’ve had to find a new way to pay off debts, which I believe was her reason for coming back every few seasons. Speaking of Tonya, she wouldn’t have done Fresh Meat, and neither would Derrick and Tina, meaning Johnny (remember him? Not the “Bananas” guy), Diem and Kenny would’ve had different partners, and maybe Diem could’ve found somebody else to get cuddly with for a longer time so she never hooks up with CT, and Kenny gets somebody as a partner who wouldn’t enable his constant need to be funny on camera. And while the ten exiled players would’ve been trapped in their own private Phantom Zone, mental midgets from The Real World, Fresh Meat and Viewers’ Revenge would be recruited to fill the void, and those excluded would be praying that there would be a place for their drama when they’d come back. Otherwise, it’s actual 9-to-5 jobs for them. I’m thinking guys like CT and Danny would resort to armed robbery if they had my 7-to-3 schedule.
So that’s my plan. If you have an opinion, like I’m missing something obvious, let me know. I’m also contemplating mailing out this essay to actual Challengers for their feedback. That would mean they’d wind up with my address, and the idea of people like Beth and Evelyn having a way to contact me upsets my stomach. The bottom line is that I don’t want to feel like an idiot for watching this crap every week. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, I do wonder why the hell I should care about this show, especially since it brings out the vilest emotions from my soul. The road to each season’s “handsome reward” has been riddled with potholes, and BMP does little to fill them. This season on Gauntlet 3, we have the team losing a mission forced to watch as the victors pick one of their own to go into the Gauntlet, as well as protect a prospective “easy pick” from going in. Then the losers would deliberate as to who else would have to fight in the Gauntlet to stay in the game. Great ides, especially the part when the captain system from Gauntlet 2 gets dumped. So what went wrong to make Gauntlet 3 the absolute worst season in Challenge history?
First, the Gauntlet still alternated between men and women, which means at any given time, that one gender isn’t at risk, and they can throw a mission to send somebody into the Gauntlet that they don’t like. This has led to countless interviews with Evan, Kenny, CT and Danny bitching about how the women on their team don’t pull their own weight, even though their side hasn’t lost that many missions outright. The unspoken second problem is that there are no bank accounts in play this time; instead, we have an all-or-nothing system where only the winning team gets paid, and the losers walk away with little more than sponsor prizes. Also, most seasons end on a long distance mission, where more people could be a problem. This is probably one of the bigger bugs up CT’s ass, since he was a part of the Bad Ass team in Inferno II that only lost one player (Dan) to the Inferno (Beth took a powder, Karamo had a prior obligation and threw his Inferno against Landon), only to helplessly watch as Tonya (fatigued from a night out) and Tina (more mouth than leg muscles) dragged them down for a loss. Being a better team in missions or in endgames doesn’t seem to benefit winning teams directly, leading to the ugliness of Gauntlet 3 and Coral’s departure.
Well, I’m here to help. I’ve recapped six seasons of the show, and I’ve devoted too much time and too many brain cells to it. I’ve figured out how to organize teams, how success in missions and Gauntlets would pay off (I prefer Gauntlets to Duels, Infernos and Pits, so that’s the format I’ll be using), how one person can stand head and shoulders above a team and win the most money in Challenge history . . . and how anybody can be motivated by the ultimate threat.
The Teams
In the beginning, there was Real World and Road Rules. Then it was men against women, but that was brutal to watch at times. With the death of the Road Rules franchise, BMP found new ways to divide the players, first with “Good Guys” and “Bad Asses" starting in Inferno II, followed by “Veterans” (those who had done two or more Challenges) and “Rookies” (comprised of newbies, second-timers, and Jamie, who had won two prior Challenges. Don’t ask) in Gauntlet 2. There were teams of two on two separate occasions (Battle of the Seasons, Fresh Meat), and players going solo with The Duel . . . but since freakin' Wes won $150,000, we’ll pretend that never happened. I’m ignoring all that for a new notion: Red vs. Blue.
Here’s how it starts: the 24 or 28 contestants are hustled to either a clearing with woods surrounding it or the 50-yard-line on a football field. The host does the welcome speech, when goes on about how things are different this time. Cue the helicopter hovering about a half-mile away. From there, $5,000 of fake money in single bill form is dropped, a nod to how All-Star Challenge kicked off. The twelve or fourteen guys are told that 4,998 bills are green, but they have to look for a red and a blue bill, then bring it back. Oh, and tackling others to get those bills would be permitted. A few minutes later, while the guys are scrambling, another 5,000 bills are dropped, and the girls get to make their run.
At the end of this mission, one guy and one girl will have blue bills, and another pair will be holding red bills. They will helping to form the teams. As a reward, these four get to split the traditional $10,000 prize money for a mission win, and immunity from the first Gauntlet. After a quick session of rock-paper-scissors, one team picks one of the 20 or 24 remaining players. The other team follows with a pick from a different gender. The teams rotate, either male-female-female-male-male, etc., or female-male-male-female-female, etc. To make things interesting, a “scapegoat prevention clause” would give immunity to the last guy and girl picked for each team, so they can “step up,” “redeem themselves,” and whatever other cliche phrases you can think up. Oh, and there are no twists in terms of belonging on a team. Once the teams are formed, they will be no trades or defections.
The House
In my head, there would be three main areas: the center would be a “free” area for both sides to mingle, ans two “wings” would be attached to either side. Before Gauntlet deliberations, both sides would be sequestered away from each other in their respective wings. After making their decisions, the teams would call the house on a private hotline before proceeding to the Gauntlet. Speaking of which, the Gauntlet will be right outside the house, just like back in Telluride, Col., in the original Gauntlet.
The Missions
I wouldn’t change much by way of actual missions, as long as not an emphasis on the icky and the excruciating (like forcing players into freezers and submerge themselves in ice water). Any timed missions would be averaged out per person as opposed to cumulative, especially in the case of a numbers advantage. The team that wins a mission gets $10,000 for their bank account, the final one pays out at least $150,000, and only those that make it to the finale get to share in the riches. Also, I’d put in time limit missions; if both teams don’t succeed in the allotted period, neither side gets money, and that amount gets added to the final mission jackpot.
The Gauntlet: Spiel
“Take a look around, people. Anybody here could face anybody else. Your best friend may have to take you out in order to stay in the game. You might have to battle your worst enemy, somebody you’ve barely met, maybe even the one you’re hooking up with. Just remember . . . all roads lead to the Gauntlet.”
The Gauntlet: Deliberation
As stated earlier, both teams would be sequestered in their respective wings, with no interteam conversation before the Gauntlet. Regardless of winning or losing, both teams would nomination one of their number to go to the Gauntlet, then call the host on the hotline with the decision. They can vote any way they'd like . . . privately, publicly, the 3-2-1 system Steve came up with that his own team used to send him to his doom by Trishelle's hands, etc.
The Gauntlet: Restrictions
For the first time since The Gauntlet, there would be no same-sex endgames. However, the same gender cannot be sent into the Gauntlet more than twice in a row. For instance, a side that has sent two females must pick a male afterwards. In addition, any player that wins a Gauntlet is immune from the next vote. This shall be known as the “Grayson Rule,” at least for myself and any other hardcore fan of Sarah. Also, Most Valuable Player (MVP) awards would be given to the top players in every other mission in the first half of the season and every mission in the second half. Instead of rewarding the best player from each team, the MVP honors would be given to the top male and female competitors, who would be immune from the Gauntlet.
The Gauntlet: Game Selection
In the beginning, there was the oversized single die rolled by the player from that week’s winning team. Now we have a spinning wheel, which doesn’t work as well, and there’s the potential for rigging by production. I mean, Beth got to choose Reverse Tug-Of-War twice. That’s the definition of “shenanigans,” right? For this edition, I’m going old-school: lottery machine.
Here’s how it would work: three balls would represent each game. Just press a button, watch the ball pop up . . . boom, there’s your game. After the draw, that ball would be taken out for good, in order to minimize games coming up again and again. In addition, there would be three “winner’s choice” balls, where the competitor from that episode’s winning team would choose the game, and a single “loser’s choice" ball would be mixed in to make things interesting.
The Gauntlet: The Twist
I came up with what I thought was a great idea. It’s hard to explain, so I’ll have to go with an example.
In this simulation, the Red team has won the mission and $10,000. After both sides call in their Gauntlet choices, Red gets ten red balls put into the machine. They can replace one red ball for a blue one for $1,000 per ball, which comes from that episode’s winnings. That money would be added to the $150,000 awarded in the final mission.
The Red side decides to spend $7,000 to replace seven red balls. One ball pops out. If a red ball comes out, nothing changes. If a blue ball comes out, Red can pick anybody from Blue that is not immune from the vote. However, if they pick Blue’s Gauntlet representative, Blue can turn around and pick somebody from Red to replace their doomed player. If they choose the player picked by Red, then nothing changes, and the Gauntlet goes on as originally scheduled.
I know . . . it’s a bit complicated, and I can’t imagine some veterans wrapping their minds around it. The main goal is to set up a stage where anybody could face anybody else in the Gauntlet, regardless of team affiliations. Imagine this playing out in the original Gauntlet. We could’ve had a battle between polar opposites from RR: The Quest: alpha douche and poster boy for ADD-riddled assholes Adam versus underexposed smart guy Steve. Coral might have been forced to fight her best girl friend on her team (Elka) or her worst enemies (Trishelle and Matt). Even scarier: a one-on-one rumble between Coral and Mike. Or how about lovebirds Mike and Trishelle? Here’s one that would have been fun: the allegedly weak Sarah taking on Rachel, who’s been all muscle and little hustle in her entire Challenge career. Rachel vs. Veronica, Matt vs. David, Theo vs. Adam, Abram vs. Tina . . . the possibilities wouldn’t have been endless, but the fun could have been.
Gauntlet: The Games
One major caveat is that endurance contests would be scaled back, if not eliminated altogether. I’d like to see some more action, not two people hanging upside down from trapeze bars. Also, I’d bring back the different-gender policy from Gauntlet – where only half the games were used – but I’d make things a little more fair. In other words, there wouldn’t be a repeat of the final Gauntlet, where Theo struggled on a mechanical bull, while Cara got a simulated ride on a sedated cow, as then-boyfriend Dave smirked about how she’s so used to it.
As for actual games, I’d import Balls In from Inferno II, with players alternating turns. I’d also bring back Perfect Fit (players dive into pool, fish out puzzle pieces, then assemble puzzle in a tray) and Knock Your Block Off (the jousting game), and I’d alter previous games from the past.
Trivial Brawl: Both players start at opposite ends of a field. The host asks a trivia question relating to any of the other Challengers. The players rush past each other to separate pits, each filled with balls with players’ names on them. For fun, throw in black balls (a layer covering the top of the pit), balls with names of non-Challengers, and balls with misspelled names. Once the players get balls with what they feel is the correct answer, they have to rush back to where they started . . . and contact is highly encouraged. First player back to his/her starting point wins a point. To make things more interesting, the players have to get ten points to win, with questions ranging from one to five points – the more points, the tougher and more obscure the question – chosen by the player winning the prior point. Also, some questions would require multiple answers, and contact would be allowed only when players get all the balls they need. (Same Gender Only)
Trivial Chase: It’s the same setup as Trivial Brawl, only no contact can be made between players. Instead, they are given seven trivia questions that have to be answered in order. Both players go back and forth, collecting the corresponding balls for each question and putting them on a stand. Once all the balls are retrieved, a judge checks to make sure they’re correct. If not, the player is given the number of correct answers, and the player has to figure out what questions were answered wrong. Repeat as necessary until somebody wins. (Both Genders)
Turntable: This is adapted from a Gauntlet mission. Instead of putting the opponents on the same turntable and eliminating whoever flies off first, each player gets their own turntable. The mission: stay on for a designated number of revolutions. The twist: each player has the ability to control how fast the turntable moves. Have it turn too slow, you risk getting burned by your opponent. If it turns too fast, you fly off, whatever revolutions you’ve already made are wiped away, and you have to wait until the turntable stops before getting back on and starting over. Puking is not grounds for disqualification, even if it’s on the opponent . . . but let’s hope it never comes to that. (Both Genders)
The Finale: Prelude
This season, the Axis Of Ass has horrific visions of the girls slowing them down in a long distance run, with Coral faking an allergic reaction to cover for fatigue. Hey, I believe that happened to her back in the day, but Kenny pissed on that in the preview special. Anyway, who knows what the mission will be? So here’s what I’m thinking: the winner of each mission gets a set of puzzle pieces. Collect five sets, you can read what the final mission will entail. If they get the gist in less than five sets? Whatever.
Finale: Rules
Originally, I was going to keep the long distance run with a twist: the results from the Gauntlet would factor far greater. In the original Gauntlet, Road Rules would’ve had a five-minute head start for each Gauntlet won by players on their team still in the game. With Sarah’s five Gauntlet wins and Cara’s two, the team would’ve had 35 minutes on Real World. However, fifteen minutes would’ve been deducted by the three RW players that won Gauntlets (Alton, Coral, Mike). This way, RR could’ve benefited directly from Sarah’s victories instead of Adam contemplate smothering her while she slept.
But then I got a better idea: why should some Challengers be deprived of going into the Gauntlet? There were underachievers who skipped out the endgames (Veronica, Rachel), supporting role players (Roni, Dave), and alpha dogs (Adam, Darrell, Theo) who never had a chance to go in. So the final mission for a Gauntlet edition? The Gauntlet.
Here how it would work: both teams make a list of players in order of when they’d like to be sent into the Gauntlet. Those on the top of each list face off. After that, each team sends their players in order. Once a team reaches the bottom of the lineup, they go back to the top. Each player gets one life, plus one more life per MVP and/or Gauntlet won. Once a player loses his/her lives, they are out of the game. Once a team reaches 3-4 players, the time between Gauntlets is extended to allow for rest. And we go on and on and on until one team runs out of players . . . then the other side wins the game. Simple as that.
I have three additional ideas, all of which would be optional. Let’s see if you like them.
1. Team Shares
Instead of spilting team bank accounts equally, how about by the amount of work done when it counts? For every MVP honor and Gauntlet win, a player receives one additional share. I came up with this idea near the end of The Gauntlet, where Sarah would have walked away with six figures easily. That would’ve been better than my other fantasy: Sarah getting into her prize car and trying to mow down Adam, Rachel and Veronica.
2. Last Person Standing
The Duel abandoned the pretense of teamwork, letting individual players go at it for $150,000. And the results were good . . . unless you remember dickhead Wes beat Brad in the final mission. I don’t care that Wes swore off Challenges . . . he’s still a dick. But I did figure out how to make my game into an individual contest at the end.
After the final mission, the losing team goes away, and the winners get 24-48 hours to celebrate before coming back to the Gauntlet. They pick up where they left off, going in two at a time to face each other. Figure for each win in the finale, they get an additional life for this bonus stage. And the last person standing in the end doesn’t get a share of the team’s bank account . . . that person gets the same total as the team. That means if the team wins $250,000, then the one who survives the ultimate mission wins a separate $250,000 jackpot. Of course, I’m not sure BMP has that much money to give out. Also . . . can you imagine if the winner was, say, CT? How much muscle mass formula and prostitutes can a man get for a quarter million bucks? I don’t think we’re ready for something worse than Wes with $150,000.
3. The Ultimate Incentive
Now this one might be my best idea, and possibly my most evil. Go to the first episode, where the host (Rob Dyrdek in fantasy, T.J. Lavin in harsh reality) goes over the rules. The he drops the bomb: “The team that loses the final mission . . . all team members either there or at home will be barred from competing in future Challenges. FOREVER!” Cut to everybody freaking the hell out. One or two veteran players interview how shaken they are. A newbie can’t believe his first time on a Challenge could be his last. And the editors subtly drop in “Never Again” by Kelly Clarkson.
Is it mean? Hell, yes. Could decent players be screwed over? For sure. But it would be the ultimate incentive to win . . . to keep yourself, your teammates, and those unfortunate to have lost in the Gauntlet to keep suckling on that Challenge teet. I’d be unfair enough to spare anybody that had been on the winning team, up to and including a case like CT getting kicked off Inferno III for hitting Davis before a single game was played. You lose, you’re barred from Challenges and any other BMP show.
Here’s another idea which might be even more horrific: you lose, no Challenges for three years or five seasons, whichever comes first. Let’s say this was in effect during Inferno II. Out of the ten members of the losing Bad Ass team, only three have not come back to the Challenge (Dan, Karamo and Rachel), and a fourth (Veronica) only came back for Road Rules: Viewers’ Revenge. Imagine the fates of the other six: Abram, Beth, CT, Derrick, Tina and Tonya. Out of that group, only Abram has appeared in just one more Challenge (Inferno III). Tonya would’ve had to find a new way to pay off debts, which I believe was her reason for coming back every few seasons. Speaking of Tonya, she wouldn’t have done Fresh Meat, and neither would Derrick and Tina, meaning Johnny (remember him? Not the “Bananas” guy), Diem and Kenny would’ve had different partners, and maybe Diem could’ve found somebody else to get cuddly with for a longer time so she never hooks up with CT, and Kenny gets somebody as a partner who wouldn’t enable his constant need to be funny on camera. And while the ten exiled players would’ve been trapped in their own private Phantom Zone, mental midgets from The Real World, Fresh Meat and Viewers’ Revenge would be recruited to fill the void, and those excluded would be praying that there would be a place for their drama when they’d come back. Otherwise, it’s actual 9-to-5 jobs for them. I’m thinking guys like CT and Danny would resort to armed robbery if they had my 7-to-3 schedule.
So that’s my plan. If you have an opinion, like I’m missing something obvious, let me know. I’m also contemplating mailing out this essay to actual Challengers for their feedback. That would mean they’d wind up with my address, and the idea of people like Beth and Evelyn having a way to contact me upsets my stomach. The bottom line is that I don’t want to feel like an idiot for watching this crap every week. Is that too much to ask?
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Gauntlet 3: Walking Away
On the Television Without Pity forums, there’s a thread where posters put up motivational posters based on various shows. One running topic compares programs to drugs. After this past Wednesday, I ha an apt parallel for Real World/Road Rules Challenge: PCP. All I know is I usually wind up extremely mad, bordering on foaming at the mouth, ready to tear people in half with my bare hands.
In my rage over Gauntlet 3, which has eclipsed Battle Of The Sexes 2 as the worst season ever – no small feat with me getting fired from a recapping gig in part to increasingly negative reviews, as well as Eric Fucking Nies – I was left to examine the legacy of one Coral Smith, who looked at her team members trying to screw her over, saw a nasty bitch itching to destroy her, and said “fuck this shit” and left. Coral went into Gauntlet 3 having won only one Challenge, but she had never been eliminated from the game except when injured. She would scheme and scam, but she’d never try to run anybody over with the malicious intent as this season’s Axis Of Ass. In The Inferno, when the Real World team sought to throw a mission to shove Leah into the Inferno, Coral tried to play the mission honestly. Nine times out of ten, the subjects of barbs as jagged as her name had it coming. But when she walked away, she hurt her legacy. I am happy to note that when I logged off about 30 minutes after the episode aired, there had been only two posts negative towards Coral. The rest that I read before going to bed either praised her, ripped the Veterans, and/or declared that they were done watching the show. Since then, there has been more haters taking shots at Coral, but there’s little proof of a backlash against her,
It’s one thing for me to be an apologist for Coral, but less than twelve hours later, as I originally wrote this essay at work, I still had not changed my mind, and I don’t think I will. Yes, I did come down hard on Beth when she quit in Gauntlet 2, but I see differences between the two incidents. Beth was unquestionably the worst player on the Veterans team, but she had a captain’s position thanks to two lucky spins of the Gauntlet wheel. Beth also has rarely shown the capacity for caring the way Coral has in the past, like when she comforted Sarah following the Gauntlet Queen’s heartbreaking win over good friend (and onetime roommate of Coral) Rachel, or riding in an ambulance with Leah after a massive freak-out. Beth was a nasty shit-stirring bitch, and when she fled a Gauntlet date with Aneesa, tailed tucked between her legs, I was livid. I had to listen to Beth badmouthing people left and right, I had to watch her blow mission after mission for her teammates, and she denied me a potential bloodbath. That’s why Coral’s victory over her two weeks prior was so important for me . . . there were no disqualifications, no walking away. Good stared down evil and won.
As for Coral, she had enough. She had spoken to Evan, trying to come to grips with the prospect that he had helped throw missions. They had been partners during Fresh Meat, and they had gotten along while crushing the competition (winning the first three missions and five out of the first seven) before they both bowed out due to injuries. She found herself walking down the same round as in The Gauntlet, when Mike cast the deciding vote to send her to the Gauntlet, and she cried about how he was her homie. The difference? Even though Mike acted like a butthead throughout his times on the Challenges, even though he aspired to become a professional wrestler and get employed by scumbag supreme Vince McMahon, Mike wasn’t a total asshole. On the other hand, Evan went from being a somewhat funny guy into being one of those idiots who has to say stuff, not to mention get into a relationship with Kenny that’s more than likely sexual. Fuck it, I can speculate all I want on those two. When Coral had declared to win at all costs in the Challenges – up to and including eating babies – but she wanted to balance friendship in the process. Once again, she never schemed to underperform to hurt somebody else, even though her team had more than enough male muscle to spare. So with her back against the wall, blindfold over her eyes and a cigarette pressed between her lips, Coral elected to walk away. When Beth pulled that four seasons ago, her team celebrated. When Coral left, the Veterans still had to pick somebody to face Evelyn.
(This seems about as good a time as any to acknowledge the Challenge Rules Committee, or whomever makes up how the show works. Gone are the days where Bunim-Murray Productions could at least pretend to make things fair. You have a sizable advantage over your opponents? Fuck you, here’s a mission where combined times are measured, as opposed to averaged out. Tyrie has to leave the game to tend to his ailing girlfriend? Not only do the Rookies get a replacement in MJ, he’s enough of an upgrade to make a difference on paper. And if Coral walks off in a huff? Fuck it . . . Evelyn needs to tear into somebody, so no default win for her like Aneesa had with Beth. Honestly, I’d love to run the competition portion of this show. Let 'em fight, screw and drink, but at least I’d make things fair and interesting.)
I’ve seen indecision before in deliberations, most notably the Great James/Shane Debate from Battle of the Sexes. But I’ve never seen people look as if though they had forgotten how to wipe their own asses . . . and with Neanderthals like CT and Danny, that was a distinct possibility The only thing missing was a shot of Coral watching a live feed on the bus ride to the airport, cackling at her team’s indecision. Eventually, Casey stepped up to be the sacrificial lamb, and nearly everybody made a huge deal about how good a teammate she was. I understood Casey’s rant against Coral . . . but when she bitched about how Coral had been screwing teammates for about eighteen years (which she did, like, once) and how she should get a job, I hit the ceiling. While Coral took two Challenges off after Fresh Meat, Casey rushed to do The Duel. When was the last time Casey updated her resume? And where did she get the money for her breast enhancements? Working a 9-to-5 job, or using the $5,000 she won on Fresh Meat? Casey should shut the fuck up, like, forever.
So the Axis of Ass is still in effect, and they might use the final female Gauntlet to screw Katie, who is the biggest victim of Coral’s departure. I would not have blamed her had she grabbed onto Coral’s legs and refused to let go. With Casey gone, Katie is now the de facto weakest Veteran, and the Rookies can’t save her again like they did in the latest episode. Here’s the thing about Katie: Yes, she’s weak, but she’s also a human being. After witnessing her team repeatedly throw her under the bus in Inferno, including Abram openly humiliating her while throwing a mission, I feel for her. I’d be honest to her about sending her off to an endgame, but I wouldn’t actually attempt to lose in order to make it happen. The only bright side is that Katie might reach critical meltdown like she did with Veronica, but that probably won’t happen.
While I’m thinking about it, here’s more stuff I’d like to happen, even though I know it’s a waste: Evan & Kenny come out as a couple; Frank succeeds in baiting CT to punch him, sending the Masshole home; Adam responds to CT pouring beer on him by kicking the Masshole in the cannoli; Jillian gets beat in the Gauntlet, killing any comparisons anybody would make between her and Sarah; and Frank and Nehemiah injure each other in the Gauntlet, taking them both out of the game.
Things that more than likely with happen: Veteran males scheme to “trim the fat” yet again; Kenny and/or CT will “quip” about how they can’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die; Brad gets defeated in the Gauntlet, making him 0-for-5 in Challenges; Diem staying with CT, making it obvious that whatever cancer she had in her ovaries has traveled to her brain and affected judgment of boyfriends (totally nonfatal . . . I’m not hoping for anybody to croak just yet); the Veterans win the Challenge, even though most of the team doesn’t deserve a single cent of prize money; and nobody – and I mean NOBODY – gets booed at the reunion or completely called on their callous actions.
There is one ending that I could live with. In teasers pimping the season, we saw Eric on the ground, obviously out of breath, in serious peril. While I don’t hate the one they call “Big Easy,” how funny would it be if he costs the Veterans their all-but-guaranteed win in the final mission? I’m ashamed to admit that the thought didn’t occur to me until I read somebody suggesting it on the forums. Really, all this talk of “trim of fat,” and nobody even considers Eric’s overt obesity as a problem? Really?!?
Two weeks ago, I said that the prospects of comeuppance and schadenfreude were good enough to keep watching Gauntlet 3. Apparently, I was wrong. Now I just want to see this crap through to the bitter end, because I’m masochistic enough to do it. And this makes Coral a more stable person than me, because when she saw nothing but assholes, bitches and scrubs in front of her, she walked away. If only I could do the same.
In my rage over Gauntlet 3, which has eclipsed Battle Of The Sexes 2 as the worst season ever – no small feat with me getting fired from a recapping gig in part to increasingly negative reviews, as well as Eric Fucking Nies – I was left to examine the legacy of one Coral Smith, who looked at her team members trying to screw her over, saw a nasty bitch itching to destroy her, and said “fuck this shit” and left. Coral went into Gauntlet 3 having won only one Challenge, but she had never been eliminated from the game except when injured. She would scheme and scam, but she’d never try to run anybody over with the malicious intent as this season’s Axis Of Ass. In The Inferno, when the Real World team sought to throw a mission to shove Leah into the Inferno, Coral tried to play the mission honestly. Nine times out of ten, the subjects of barbs as jagged as her name had it coming. But when she walked away, she hurt her legacy. I am happy to note that when I logged off about 30 minutes after the episode aired, there had been only two posts negative towards Coral. The rest that I read before going to bed either praised her, ripped the Veterans, and/or declared that they were done watching the show. Since then, there has been more haters taking shots at Coral, but there’s little proof of a backlash against her,
It’s one thing for me to be an apologist for Coral, but less than twelve hours later, as I originally wrote this essay at work, I still had not changed my mind, and I don’t think I will. Yes, I did come down hard on Beth when she quit in Gauntlet 2, but I see differences between the two incidents. Beth was unquestionably the worst player on the Veterans team, but she had a captain’s position thanks to two lucky spins of the Gauntlet wheel. Beth also has rarely shown the capacity for caring the way Coral has in the past, like when she comforted Sarah following the Gauntlet Queen’s heartbreaking win over good friend (and onetime roommate of Coral) Rachel, or riding in an ambulance with Leah after a massive freak-out. Beth was a nasty shit-stirring bitch, and when she fled a Gauntlet date with Aneesa, tailed tucked between her legs, I was livid. I had to listen to Beth badmouthing people left and right, I had to watch her blow mission after mission for her teammates, and she denied me a potential bloodbath. That’s why Coral’s victory over her two weeks prior was so important for me . . . there were no disqualifications, no walking away. Good stared down evil and won.
As for Coral, she had enough. She had spoken to Evan, trying to come to grips with the prospect that he had helped throw missions. They had been partners during Fresh Meat, and they had gotten along while crushing the competition (winning the first three missions and five out of the first seven) before they both bowed out due to injuries. She found herself walking down the same round as in The Gauntlet, when Mike cast the deciding vote to send her to the Gauntlet, and she cried about how he was her homie. The difference? Even though Mike acted like a butthead throughout his times on the Challenges, even though he aspired to become a professional wrestler and get employed by scumbag supreme Vince McMahon, Mike wasn’t a total asshole. On the other hand, Evan went from being a somewhat funny guy into being one of those idiots who has to say stuff, not to mention get into a relationship with Kenny that’s more than likely sexual. Fuck it, I can speculate all I want on those two. When Coral had declared to win at all costs in the Challenges – up to and including eating babies – but she wanted to balance friendship in the process. Once again, she never schemed to underperform to hurt somebody else, even though her team had more than enough male muscle to spare. So with her back against the wall, blindfold over her eyes and a cigarette pressed between her lips, Coral elected to walk away. When Beth pulled that four seasons ago, her team celebrated. When Coral left, the Veterans still had to pick somebody to face Evelyn.
(This seems about as good a time as any to acknowledge the Challenge Rules Committee, or whomever makes up how the show works. Gone are the days where Bunim-Murray Productions could at least pretend to make things fair. You have a sizable advantage over your opponents? Fuck you, here’s a mission where combined times are measured, as opposed to averaged out. Tyrie has to leave the game to tend to his ailing girlfriend? Not only do the Rookies get a replacement in MJ, he’s enough of an upgrade to make a difference on paper. And if Coral walks off in a huff? Fuck it . . . Evelyn needs to tear into somebody, so no default win for her like Aneesa had with Beth. Honestly, I’d love to run the competition portion of this show. Let 'em fight, screw and drink, but at least I’d make things fair and interesting.)
I’ve seen indecision before in deliberations, most notably the Great James/Shane Debate from Battle of the Sexes. But I’ve never seen people look as if though they had forgotten how to wipe their own asses . . . and with Neanderthals like CT and Danny, that was a distinct possibility The only thing missing was a shot of Coral watching a live feed on the bus ride to the airport, cackling at her team’s indecision. Eventually, Casey stepped up to be the sacrificial lamb, and nearly everybody made a huge deal about how good a teammate she was. I understood Casey’s rant against Coral . . . but when she bitched about how Coral had been screwing teammates for about eighteen years (which she did, like, once) and how she should get a job, I hit the ceiling. While Coral took two Challenges off after Fresh Meat, Casey rushed to do The Duel. When was the last time Casey updated her resume? And where did she get the money for her breast enhancements? Working a 9-to-5 job, or using the $5,000 she won on Fresh Meat? Casey should shut the fuck up, like, forever.
So the Axis of Ass is still in effect, and they might use the final female Gauntlet to screw Katie, who is the biggest victim of Coral’s departure. I would not have blamed her had she grabbed onto Coral’s legs and refused to let go. With Casey gone, Katie is now the de facto weakest Veteran, and the Rookies can’t save her again like they did in the latest episode. Here’s the thing about Katie: Yes, she’s weak, but she’s also a human being. After witnessing her team repeatedly throw her under the bus in Inferno, including Abram openly humiliating her while throwing a mission, I feel for her. I’d be honest to her about sending her off to an endgame, but I wouldn’t actually attempt to lose in order to make it happen. The only bright side is that Katie might reach critical meltdown like she did with Veronica, but that probably won’t happen.
While I’m thinking about it, here’s more stuff I’d like to happen, even though I know it’s a waste: Evan & Kenny come out as a couple; Frank succeeds in baiting CT to punch him, sending the Masshole home; Adam responds to CT pouring beer on him by kicking the Masshole in the cannoli; Jillian gets beat in the Gauntlet, killing any comparisons anybody would make between her and Sarah; and Frank and Nehemiah injure each other in the Gauntlet, taking them both out of the game.
Things that more than likely with happen: Veteran males scheme to “trim the fat” yet again; Kenny and/or CT will “quip” about how they can’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die; Brad gets defeated in the Gauntlet, making him 0-for-5 in Challenges; Diem staying with CT, making it obvious that whatever cancer she had in her ovaries has traveled to her brain and affected judgment of boyfriends (totally nonfatal . . . I’m not hoping for anybody to croak just yet); the Veterans win the Challenge, even though most of the team doesn’t deserve a single cent of prize money; and nobody – and I mean NOBODY – gets booed at the reunion or completely called on their callous actions.
There is one ending that I could live with. In teasers pimping the season, we saw Eric on the ground, obviously out of breath, in serious peril. While I don’t hate the one they call “Big Easy,” how funny would it be if he costs the Veterans their all-but-guaranteed win in the final mission? I’m ashamed to admit that the thought didn’t occur to me until I read somebody suggesting it on the forums. Really, all this talk of “trim of fat,” and nobody even considers Eric’s overt obesity as a problem? Really?!?
Two weeks ago, I said that the prospects of comeuppance and schadenfreude were good enough to keep watching Gauntlet 3. Apparently, I was wrong. Now I just want to see this crap through to the bitter end, because I’m masochistic enough to do it. And this makes Coral a more stable person than me, because when she saw nothing but assholes, bitches and scrubs in front of her, she walked away. If only I could do the same.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)