Castaways & Cuthroats

Guess what? Survivor is back! And I don't mean that the show itself has returned. It's more about talking about it over the watercooler and ridiculing the poor bastards who watched Joey.

After the lackluster Vanuatu season, Mark Burnett went back to his sinister ways for Palau. To wit:

1. Upon getting into a rowboat, Jeff Probst tells all twenty castaways that two immunities are up for grabs. The first man and woman to make it to shore and grab the trinkets is guarenteed saftey.
2. Oops, turns out the immunity is good for one night, as the lucky duo gets to start the team-picking process. Last two left standing? Out of the game. Sick, right? Frail ol' Sonja Christopher got three days in Borneo. Bossy Debb Eaton in the Outback? Three days. Jonathan and Wanda? Two days, one night. Sick.

Right away, there's tension and paranoia, and Coby the gay guy and Angie the tatted alternative are supposed to be BFF, except Coby doesn't pick her to join his tribe...and on and on and on. Also, there's Coby trying to convince people to exclude Jonathan (aka Random Caucasian Stud #5216). Sorry for the stock term...I'm not good with telling who's who in a crowd. Then again, I can tell all 36 players from Battle of the Sexes 2 apart.

As for Wanda? Okay, here's an important rule: THERE IS NO SINGING IN SURVIVOR!!! This wasn't Avi & Joe singing about how they were Jews in Iceland. This wasn't Todd Glass singing his "I Need Attention" song to get under Ant's skin. This lady had songs ready. She sang on the boat ride to the island. She sang on the boat ride from the island. She'll probably freakin' sing on The Early Show and at the reunion. Yes...cutting people that early in the game is sick, but isn't it worth it to avoid the debacle the likes of the Tambaqui men singing "You Lost That Loving Feeling"?

As for tribe names? I'm sorry...Ulong? So now I have to think of Oolong the pervert pig from Dragonball. Why not name the other tribe "Bulma" while we're at it? Sorry...anime geek moment. Was planning on holding that off until Saturday.

Anyway, Ulong loses to Koror in the first Immunity Challenge. I'll spare the details, save that Koror takes firemaking material to their new home. On the way, a wave tips their canoe, and the equipment goes under. Not a good omen. Meanwhile, Angie the tatted outsider gets teased with oblivion again, but Jolanda (who had won immunity earlier) gets the boot. I like Angie...even though I'm not into ink or those gross ear piercings, but I tend to identify with outsiders more often than not. That also explains why I never tore into Frankie from The Real World: San Diego with the gusto of my TWoP friends.

Right now, I'm liking Tom the most. He's a firefighter from Queens...did you see him blow through the obstacle course? Not bad for a 41-year-old. The white hair is a bonus...one poster compared him to Race Bannon.

The laptop's making me nervous, so I'll hold off on The Apprentice. Trump goes five-for-five and dumps another arrogant blowhard.